Original subtitles

Hey, Daddy.

Ah, crap, you want money.

What? Please, that's the only time anybody in this house calls me Daddy,

including your mother.

You honestly think that people in this family are only nice to each other when

they want money?

Hey, Bri, Bri.

Dad, I don't have any money.

Fine.

But I am warning you, these old clothes are starting to get really tight, and

soon my shirts won't even cover my midriff.

What's a midriff?

Something private and shameful that should remain a secret forever.

Like the time you found a cake on the porch and ate it?

Exactly.

You won't give your little princess any money.

That's not the daddy that I used to know.

Oh, I can't resist.

Here you go.

Here's some money.

Wait, you're just going to pull it away.

Why would I do that?

Because that's what you always do.

Princess, I wouldn't do that to you.

You promise?

I promise.

You promise?

I promise.

Woo -hoo! Still the game.

Oh, two for two.

Bill's request for payment, invoice.

How come nothing good ever comes in the mail?

My teacher said his wife came in the mail.

On his salary, good for him.

The port cards are here. This is a very big day for you kids.

You know, your mom and I place a very high value on your education. Oh, my

Grand opening of Silvio's Italian beef.

Bill, what about the report card?

Oh, okay.

Brian, excellent work. Lauren, we're very disappointed in you.

That said, you've all earned yourselves one free beef when you buy one at

regular price.

Let me see here.

Lauren, I am impressed. You really brought up your grade.

Keep this up, Lauren. You might end up waiting tables at a place with

tablecloths.

Well, maybe one day you'll eat there with all of your friends.

So, Dad, since I got such good grades this semester, I thought maybe you could

toss me some money for some new clothes. I gave you 40 bucks last week. You

spent it all on that ratty T -shirt.

It's not ratty.

It's vintage.

Vintage? If that shirt's vintage, I should start making wine out of my

underwear.

I just puked a little.

Lauren, if you like vintage clothes, I got a box of old stuff in the attic.

Oh, great. I get to wear your moldy old clothes.

Maybe for dinner I can just pick through the garbage.

Try the neighbors first. They eat healthier than us.

And now for the easy kid.

Miller brought...

A in econ gentleman, A in English canarelli. Dead, dead. The second word

teacher's last name.

Ah, and that would explain French hoe.

Driver's ed? Why didn't you tell me you were taking driver's ed this semester?

I didn't think you really... Brian is a diligent student but needs more

confidence behind the wheel. We'll turn that around. I'm going to get you some

practice time.

Dad, I don't need to practice.

Are you kidding? This will be great. Miller men have been teaching their sons

how to drive for centuries.

Centuries? Well...

You know, chariots and crap.

I've been looking forward to this ever since we built that model Mustang and

blew it up with firecrackers.

You blew up my model Mustang?

I don't remember.

I'd rather wait till summer to get my license. I think it's a lot more

to focus on my studies than to go out joyriding. You take that back.

This is a once -in -a -lifetime opportunity here. You have an early

You're going to be 16 before most of your class.

It means for a few precious weeks, you'll be the guy who has what every

girl dreams of, a way to get away from her family.

A lot of middle -aged girls dream of that, too.

You start tonight.

I don't want to bother you, Dad. You've probably got a lot to do.

Let me take a look at my schedule.

We got nothing till Thanksgiving.

Keep dinner warm.

Tonight's the night my boy becomes a man.

Ow! Rub it out, son. Rub it out.

Okay, son, your lipstick's fine. Let's go.

But the book says... Brian, Brian, Brian, forget about the book.

There isn't a book in the world that can teach you how to drive.

Unless they made a book out of Cannonball Run, which I don't think they

because I would have heard about it. Put her in reverse.

Okay.

All right, there you go. Now, it's good to be cautious, but you don't want to be

too cautious.

There's a lot of people out there who aren't as patient as me. Now, the

changing. Gun it, gun it.

Just passing with your son.

Dad, cut it out. I'm trying to drive.

Well, if you drive any slower, we'll have to put roses on the car and enter

as a float.

Now, where should we go?

Okay, turn left up here. I'll show you where we used to go parking in high

school. What do you mean parking? Like parallel parking?

You can start off parallel, but the goal is to get horizontal.

Okay, turn left here.

Yeah, that was a very smooth turn. But when you're in a smaller car, you're

going to want to bank that left really hard so the little lady in the passenger

seat falls into your lap.

Actually, Dad, on a left turn, centrifugal force would act to lean the

away from the driver.

You know what would really lead him away? All that science talk.

Dad, would you just let me drive? Sure thing. You're the driver. I'm just here

to observe.

Oh, a young grandma.

secretly wrapping his birthday present when he just pushes open the bedroom

and ruins his surprise.

Now I have to get him a whole different sweater.

Do cats even like sweaters?

Nathaniel Pothorn does.

Lauren, you are in luck. I found my box of old clothes in the attic.

Oh. Why are you taking out your old clothes?

Well, I thought instead of Lauren paying a lot of money for fake stuff from the

70s, I'd give her a bunch of real stuff from the 70s.

Woo!

from the 70s.

What is that smell?

Incense.

Hey, this is actually cool.

Oh, cheap trick. My first concert. I can't believe I still have this.

Can I have it? Sure.

No.

Which ones can I have? Hang on, hang on. ACDC, gotta keep that one.

Carol Smith, not a chance.

Oh, REO Speedwagon.

Intensity, intensity.

Oh, man, intensity in ten cities. I never got that one before.

Must have been all that infant.

Hey,

we're back. Keep digging. If you come across anything that's glam, punk, or

& Oates, it's yours.

Oh, it was great. He was a little stiff at first, but we're working on that.

Right, champ?

You bet, Dad.

What'd you teach him?

Taught him how to cruise. We hit the drive -thru at Silvio's. Got an Italian

beef.

Then we worked on some donuts, powdered and lawn.

I gotta tell you, it felt great to pass on something to my son other than my

rugged good looks and these dainty little dancer's feet.

Good for you, honey.

Just think, one day our son's gonna be in the car with a girl making out and

he'll be thinking of me.

You know what I mean?

It sounds like you and your dad had a great time.

Yeah. Oh, I think it's wonderful when you guys, you know, bond. I hated it. I

had a feeling.

I mean, he's totally impatient. You know how he gets.

He didn't teach me anything.

Oh, Brian, I'm sure he taught you something.

Well, I did learn how to do the three -point turn, but that was only so we

go back to Silvio's for extra peppers.

Oh, goody, it should be a fun night for me.

I can't learn with him, Mom.

He barks orders and it makes me nervous.

Can you take me driving?

Well, can you just give him another chance? It means so much to him. I know,

I hate it.

I'm not getting in another car with Dad. So either you teach me how to drive or

drive me everywhere for the rest of my life.

Oh, that's a lot of listening to NPR.

Okay, fine.

You know, but I don't want to hurt your father's feelings. He can't find out

about this, which is going to be very difficult because your father's a very

astute man.

Honey, where's the remote?

Did you check under you?

Thank you.

I'm guessing we'll be okay.

Awesome. You are such a better teacher than Dad. Thank you so much. Oh, you

don't have to thank me. Just remember, when you're taking care of your father

and me when we're really old, I eat first.

Dear.

Ah, Brian.

My firstborn son, heir to all my estate, which consists of this watch.

Ah, son of a... Anyway, today is a very special day for you, my friend.

Put your driving pants on and follow me out back.

Oh, Bill, Brian's about to put his homework pants on. Yeah, maybe now's not

best time for a driving lesson. This isn't just any driving lesson.

Girl! Mom, you've got to get me out of this. Well, I'll try, but when your

father gets this worked up, it's every man for himself.

Come on out.

What's going on? I don't know. Your father brought home something he's

excited about.

Oh, great. The last time this happened, we ended up eating catfish for three

months.

Check it out, Brian.

I got us a sweet new ride.

And you're going to drive us to go see it in this crummy van?

Bill, you bought this? This is ours? Yeah. What do you think, Brian?

Wow. I... I... Wow.

Overwhelmed, huh? I know, I know. It's a lot to take in.

As soon as I saw it, I thought, this is the car. for my son. This is the car I'm

going to teach him how to drive in.

Very sweet, Bill, but how'd you pay for this?

I emptied out the new car fund.

Let me get this straight. You used the money we set aside for a new family car

and bought a used 1981 party van?

Yes.

You beautiful, beautiful man.

give me money to buy clothes, but Brian gets a van?

Lauren, honey, there is a difference.

I'm never going to want to cruise around in your clothes.

Dad, this is way too generous.

Well, this isn't just for you. This is a great family car.

We didn't have this much money in our account. How'd you swing this?

I had to kick in some of the money I was saving for a pool table, but I figured

this was more important.

I want Brian to have a good, reliable car.

So, uh... You ready for your next lesson?

Yeah, I guess.

Great.

Ow!

I've got to take the corkscrew off that chain.

What's this painting?

I don't know, but it rocks.

It's Icarus, Dad.

Everyone's a critic.

It smells like incense in here.

Pop, I don't want to drive with him. Can we please just tell him that you're

teaching me now?

Oh, Brian, I know this is tough, but this means a lot to your dad. You know,

let's not break his heart further by letting him know that he's not the

tremendous teacher that I am.

I didn't say tremendous.

You didn't need to.

But I didn't ask him to buy this.

Okay, here's the deal.

Either you get into this sweet, sweet new ride, or you be completely selfish

break that poor man's heart.

But I cannot make this decision for you.

I'll be in my room. Get in the van.

Hey, Linda, we're right outside your apartment. Come on down. We've got some

great news for you.

No, we're still married. Just come on down.

Oh, man, are these glow -in -the -dark star stickers on the ceiling?

Either that or it's rusted through.

Either way, it's really cool.

Really? Put on a jacket, because it's about to get way cooler.

You are never picking me up from school on this.

Honey, now we have to.

Hey, look what I found.

Look, Bill, it's a tear clip.

Can I wear it?

Sure, honey, but not to school. That's an at -home clip. Hey, come here, Linda.

This is your big surprise.

Yeah, hop on in. We'll take you for a ride in a new wheel.

Okay, so if you guys are driving this, what are Shaggy and Velma using to chase

ghosts?

All right, Captain, slap this baby into gear and take a left on 6.

What are you doing?

Signaling my turn.

Brian, 6th Street's not for three blocks.

The people on 3rd Street don't need to know our business. But Mom said I should

always... Listen to your father. You're darn right.

Okay, turn left.

Good job, Brian. Judy, Judy, please.

Good job, Brian.

Get into your left -hand lane.

Okay, David.

What was that?

A courtesy wave, Dad. That guy just let me in.

Courtesy wave?

Why don't you buy the guy some flowers?

It's like your mom's been teaching you to drive.

I'm sorry, Dad.

a stinky van while Bill and Judy argue. Hey, if you guys had ditched me in the

woods, it would have been just like high school.

Kids, go upstairs. Your mom and I need to talk.

Tina, honey, what's that clip in your hair?

Oh, my God.

Judy, Judy, why would you do this? I'm his father. I'm supposed to teach him

to drive. I know, and you are a very good father.

It's just that, well, maybe teaching isn't what you do best. What are you

talking about?

Well, It seems like every time you try to teach Brian something, you get a

little... What? Spit it out.

Impatient. You're crazy. That's just silly. And you tend to belittle.

And then Brian doesn't learn anything, and that's why he came to me.

Well, I taught Brian a million things.

I taught him how to ride a bike, tie his shoes, swim.

Uh, no, you didn't.

What are you saying?

Well, I may have taught him one or two of those things. Which one?

Uh, how to ride a bike, and...

How to tie his shoes.

And swim.

Now, now, I know I taught my son how to swim. Well, you started him off. You

taught him a healthy fear of the water.

So he's been learning all this stuff from you.

Well, at least that explains why he throws like a girl. That's all him.

Brian is very smart, but he gets rattled easily. If you're going to do this, you

can't jump all over him for every little mistake.

I just got excited. This was supposed to be a special thing.

Something he'd always have from me.

My dad taught me how to drive.

And you still can.

You just have to be patient.

Good.

I'd hate to think the only thing I taught my son was how to pee his name in

snow.

Oh, God!

Okay, pal, you're doing great. You are one heck of a driver, kiddo. Now, you

might want to get over to your right.

Dad, I know what I'm doing.

You're right, you're right. From now on, I'm going to keep my mouth shut and let

you do it your way.

Thanks, Dad.

Brian, you're, uh... What? Never mind.

I can't sleep. I totally blew it with Brian.

You didn't totally blow it. He's your son.

You just have to remember that... Where'd you get that pie?

In the second fridge.

We don't have a second fridge.

Oh, yeah.

I really wanted this, Judy. This was probably my last chance to teach Brian

anything. Bill, you're his father. A lot of who he is he got from you.

Like what? Look at what he's good at. Math, science, that checkery game with

horses.

Chess? Exactly. All of the stuff I have nothing to do with.

Did you really just forget the word for chess?

It's late and I've had a lot of pie.

All right, where is the second fridge?

Give me a break. Other men have a woman on the side. I have a second fridge.

What could that be? It's almost midnight.

Ryan, what is going on? I thought you were up in your bed sleeping.

I'm Bonnie Jackson's father. I just caught your son sneaking out with my

daughter in this big, disgusting van.

Ryan, is this true?

We weren't going to go anywhere. We were just going to sit in the car and talk

and stuff.

I think the kids call that.

Parking.

If you say so. We're not up on that lingo.

We are so sorry. We'll take it from here. You get upstairs, young man.

Okay, Dad.

I had no idea Brian was this kind of boy.

Neither did we.

Well, rest assured, we'll deal with this appropriately.

Good night.

Good night.

Did you hear that?

Son snuck out after curfew, picked up a girl, and was going to go parking.

See, you did teach him something.

I guess I did.

I wonder if he got a chance to try my hard left turn.

Excuse me?

That's physics. You wouldn't understand.

No. It seems almost a shame to punish him.

Oh, but, Bill, if we ground him, we get the van to ourselves for a couple of

weeks. Well, we do want to send the right message, which is, if the vans are

rockin', don't come a -knockin'. And if you're full of pie, you shouldn't even

try.

Hey, where'd you get all that money?

Oh, I sold some of Mom's old T -shirts.

Turns out your boring old memories are worth something after all.

You know, I'm a little light right now. Can I borrow ten bucks?

Sure, Dad.

Here you go.

So sweet that you think that you can trick... Oh, still the king!