Original subtitles

It comes with this 500ml cup if you're making

a smoothie or a milkshake for yourself, but

there's also an additional 2 litre glass jug for larger amounts.

It's a great option to have, isn't it Tony?

Absolutely Val, and with the crushed ice feature,

you could even knock yourself up a batch of margaritas.

Oh yes, and you do know how I love my 6 o'clock cocktail, don't you darling?

Now, blenders like this normally retail at

over £100, but today we're selling this for only

£59.99, £59.99.

Now Maria, I can tell this is going to be very popular.

Absolutely Valentina, we've already sold an

amazing 35 units, and that's before you've

demonstrated how quiet it is.

Yes, and I was just about to do that.

Listen to this.

SCREAMING

And stay tuned after the break for

more amazing bargains on the World Shopping Channel.

And we're clear.

Who did this?

WHO DID THIS?

- Oh my goodness. - Get that cursing rag away!

Tony!

I'm here, I'm here darling.

Valentina, I'm so sorry.

I was on the phone to the channel. What happened?

The snap lock seal is broken, but I checked it myself earlier.

I told you Andrew.

I told you someone's out to get me.

Now either you sort this out or you bring someone else that can.

Or else!

Oh God.

Come on, come on.

Oh my God.

We'll clean this.

Oh!

LAUGHTER

Come on, let's watch it again.

Just so that we can get a full picture of the incident.

Yeah.

It's been going on for a while now.

Items Valentina's been using for the live demos have been misbehaving.

Last week a massaging mattress topper went rogue.

A rogue massaging mattress?

Ah yeah, that's a best seller isn't it?

It's perfect for easing your aching muscles at the end of a working day.

Well this one nearly threw her to the floor and today's been the final straw.

- I come bearing tea. - Thank you.

So tell us, what is Valentino Orsino really like?

She always looks so fabulous.

Not so much there, but usually.

- You know who this is? - Yes!

It's Valentino Orsino and this is her husband, Tony.

They're the face of WSC.

The world's shopping channel.

Ovs.

They have shows every weekday, morning and lunchtime.

It's the network's primetime slots.

And your company?

Escalers Studios.

You make these shows?

For the past 20 years.

Oh right.

It's your big birthday bargain bonanza this week isn't it?

Yes. Which is why I could do without the headache.

Our contract with the channel's up for renewal.

We really need to smash our sales targets.

So who has access to the products before they're demonstrated?

Well.

I do perceive here a divided duty, I should get that.

Excuse me.

And you've really got no idea who might be

trying to humiliate Valentino like this?

She's my star talent but with any great talent comes high expectations.

Bit of a diva.

She just knows what she wants. Yeah.

I can't go back to her without real answers.

So I need results.

And fast.

Well we would need full access to the studios.

Yes, we'd probably need to meet Tony and Maria

and just like the whole team so yes, we'd love to take the job.

Thank you.

And I can count on you to be discreet.

You can't have Valentino any more disturbed than she already has been.

Discretion is my middle name.

- Right. Are our covers in place? - Yes.

I am called Coco.

I am makeup artist extraordinaire darlings

and I'm going to be doing Valentino's hair and makeup.

I'm so excited.

Alright my old Chinas.

I'm Simeon Bardolph.

Just moved down from Acne.

Starting today as a junior product fluffer.

Which I pray means that I'll be sorting out

the merchandise before it goes on screen.

I'm Frank, facilities maintenance

here to do a service on the alarms which are in fact cameras.

I think we've got all angles covered.

Couldn't have chosen a different name.

Excuse me, Frank is way more discreet than Simeon and Coco.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh darlings, you're so kind.

Oh yes, I can see why you like her.

Very Sophia Loren.

I know, right?

Sorry darlings.

We don't want Maria to be late, do we?

Oh you're beautiful, you're beautiful.

Right, come on, let's get to work.

Watcher, I was told to speak to Jane.

- I'm Simeon. - Oh, you're my new fluffer.

- Nice to meet you. - And you.

Hi, I'm Maria.

I know, I've seen you on screen.

Tucked away in my booth.

Not for much longer.

It's the 20th birthday Bonanza launch later

and we've just heard that Maria is going to

be with Valentina and Tony doing some proper presenting.

Oh yeah, congratulations, that's mint, that is.

Been asking Andrew for months.

Even offered to make a cake for the show.

Well that clearly swung it.

I don't know, he hasn't seen it yet.

Certainly didn't use anything as fancy as all this lot.

Oh, it'll be great and so will you.

Right, I need a top up.

I'm on the honey ginger and lemon.

For the old absence.

Your absence choice?

Your voice?

- Yes. - Yeah, I see.

Oh, I did a little bit of Andrew back home in Akne.

Well, I'll leave you in Jane's capable hands. She's a legend.

Been here since day one, knows literally everything about all our products.

Oh, get away with you.

Serious?

And remember what I said, you shouldn't let Valentina speak to you like that.

This is all seen as just stress, that's all.

Yeah, I saw that blender thing, that was mad.

Any idea what happened, yeah?

Oh, I wish I had.

I hate it when the products look bad on screen.

It reflects poorly on me.

Ah, Maria, we've managed to misplace the menopause expert for this morning's show.

Can you help me shut them down?

Just a little dusting on the T-zone there.

I know it's not very professional of me to say this, but I think you're amazing.

Do you know, a viewer once called me the Elizabeth Taylor of television shopping.

Who am I to argue?

Well, exactly, darling.

Shame, isn't it, about all these recent accidents on air?

They were not accidents, that was sabotage, and I think I know who's behind it.

Who?

Maria.

Maria Squire?

Yes, that jumped up admin girl has been angling

for my job, as if that's ever going to happen.

That's not argon oil, is it?

No, I was told no cosmetics containing nuts.

Tree nuts, specifically?

KNOCKING ON DOOR

We're ready for you.

You've done an OK job, I suppose.

Thanks.

- Val, darling. - Hello.

I'm the new make-up artist, Coco.

I was just admiring these beautiful flowers.

Yes, they were a gift from me.

Burton, that's a pet name, inside joke, you know.

Five Minutes!

Are you needed back on set?

Oh, no, no, Val's doing the morning show solo. It's a...

It's a special on...

the menopause, so I'm served its requirements.

Actually, while you're here, could I get a touch-up?

I want to look perfect for the 20th birthday bargain bonanza launch.

Yes, definitely.

I mean, maybe I could redo your base.

Do you have any breathtaking bronze?

That's my usual colour.

I was thinking of something a bit more neutral.

Oh, no, no, no, I always use that shade.

It gives such a subtle glow.

Not to worry. I'll find my usual girl.

OK.

Frankie?

Aaaah, yes.

Andrew asked me to find you.

Sorry, you're not quite what I expected.

Yeah, I get that a lot, but rest assured, I'm very good at what I do.

- Wouldn't have been booked otherwise. - Exactly.

Should we go to set?

Oh, does Andrew want me to set up there as well?

- Of course, that's where Valentina is. - OK.

Aren't you going to bring that with you?

Yeah, I guess so.

It's called the Femi Fan and it works a treat.

You just...

press the power button, decide on the power that you want

and voilà, you're good to go.

It eases all those hot flushes and it's a bargain at only £4.99.

So pick up the phone now because you do not want to miss out.

Watching her lying in the studio.

Did you find anything useful out?

Oh, well, apparently Valentina bullies all the

stars, especially Portia, you know, over there.

Maybe she's as lovely as she seems on screen.

What are they doing with Frank?

I think there's been a bit...

I'm delighted to welcome Frankie Cannon of Femi Change UK.

It's lovely to meet you, Frankie.

Please, take a seat.

That is not Frankie Cannon. That is not Frankie Cannon.

Frankie, a Femi Squeeze?

- A femi what? - Femi squeeze.

Oh, yes, yes.

Unfortunately, urinal incontinence is a reality for so many women

experiencing peri or menopausal changes.

But the unique pelvic floor muscle trainer, only £9.99,

is designed to combat that.

Why don't you show us how the Femi Squeeze works, Frankie?

Er...

There you go. Ah, yes.

Easy peasy.

Oh, hello.

Squeeze.

Squeeze.

So easy.

I think my pelvic floor must already be shot.

For every Femi Squeeze bought today...

- I'm really sorry, but... - For every femi squeeze bought today,

a donation will be made to Femi Change UK,

and with more exclusive offers after the break.

And we're out.

Valentina, I am so sorry.

Sorry?

- Who the hell is this oaf? - Hey!

It really wasn't that bad. Honestly, you were still great.

Who are you?

This is Frank and Lou.

They're the people I hired to find your saboteur.

I thought you'd engage experienced undercover investigators.

Not a second-rate make-up artist and an incompetent fool.

She had people spying on us.

You did this on purpose, didn't you?

No, it was a genuine mistake, I swear.

We just got our wires crossed.

If you think that you're going to help me with the

birthday bargain bonanza after that stunt, you can think again.

And you promised he'd give me a shot of presenting.

Did he now?

GASPS

I thought we'd spoken about that.

Perhaps you should stay in your booth, Maria, just for the time being.

I am so sick of being surrounded by talentless and dreary people.

Remind me again which one I think is actually the owner of the studio.

TELEPHONE RINGING

Darling, give me a moment to get away from all the riff-raff.

She's more worked up than ever,

and you were being lied to the nation as a menopause expert.

Is this what Shakespeare and Hathaway classes discrete?

Oh, here you are.

You feeling all right?

I'm getting there, thanks.

I shouldn't let it get to me.

- I mean, it's only TV, right? - Mm.

It's just my fiancée broke up with me a couple of months ago.

- Oh. - It's been really hard.

I just thought maybe this was my chance to, you know...

- show him what he's missing. - Hm.

- That's really sad, isn't it? - No.

Break-ups are rough.

Thanks, Simeon.

Come on, girl.

It's just, it's frustrating because there's loads of audience research

that shows that viewers like me almost as much as Valentina,

but every time Andrew says he'll give me a chance, she intervenes.

That's out of order.

So, you know, I'd understand if you wanted to cause a bit of Barney Rubble.

You know, get your own back.

What, the sabotage?

No, that's not me.

Today was a genuine mix-up.

I would like to buy whoever it is a drink though.

I'm really sorry about earlier.

I will find Valentina and I will try and smooth things over.

I think the best thing you can do is solve this case and fast.

Yes. Well...

I'm sorry, Mrs Lucina. I won't do it again, I promise.

No, I'm sorry, Jane, because I don't believe you.

And we're live in five, four...

And as part of our 20th birthday bargain, Bonanza,

we'll be giving you an additional 20% discount.

I'm going to write her a quote. Jane heard it, maybe it's her.

Well, however it is, the 120,000 will investigate the case, will there?

What are you doing?

Can you believe that we've been doing this for 20 years, darling?

I know, I know, it's just flown by, but I think we should celebrate properly.

Definitely. This is it, it's about to happen.

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

Oh, wow, this looks tasty.

- It really does. - Ooh.

Wanna get a slice of that.

I just want to thank all you loyal viewers for your support.

We really would be nothing without you.

Now, stick around as we're going to be showing you the latest tools and gadgets

to make baking five showstoppers like this a doddle,

starting with our deluxe icing bundle with 15

different nozzles for a professional finish.

I reckon she's having a bit of a reaction.

Where's her epi pen? Professional.

It should be in her bag.

Get him to go to adverts. Go to adverts.

So Val's not feeling well, so here are the ads.

It's not in here.

There's a spare one in her dressing room.

Quick!

I can't find it.

Just keep looking. I mean, what do they even look like?

Oh, look, I think I've got it!

Got it!

I've got it!

This, uh, is too late. She's dead.

Oh.

Yes. Can you get me the police, please?

Come on, Julian, this is not something we could have anticipated.

You lot. Again.

I might have to arrest you for obstruction.

I think they'll find we were here first.

Yeah, so actually, technically, you're the one that's obstructing us?

No, I'm doing my job.

Not that there's much to it.

Mrs Orsino had a known nut allergy.

Obviously, she went into anaphylaxis when she ate that cake.

Mm, what about the missing epi pen?

Yeah, we're looking into that.

But if I was her husband, I'd be suing the bakery that made that cake.

Actually, Maria made it for her.

Who's Maria?

Now, I understand you held Mrs Orsino responsible for thwarting your career?

I think that's a bit of an overstatement.

Still, maybe you deliberately gave her a cake with nuts

hoping she'd have a reaction.

No, I knew how serious her allergy was.

I cleaned my kitchen, like, three times to make sure it was safe.

Before I started baking.

There's no way that you'll find traces of nuts in that cake.

Well, we'll know soon enough.

Forensics are testing it as we speak.

Well, thanks so much for coming out.

It's quite busy out there.

You're not thinking of going on air again, are you?

The lunchtime show.

What?

But Valentina only died yesterday.

No fans might need a little bit more time to process things.

The channel are refusing to budge on sales targets. My hands are tied.

However, I'd also like to rehire you.

Why? No-one's going to sabotage Valentina now, are they?

I mean, he's right, though. Why would you still need us?

To find her killer?

Hi, Simeon.

Or should I say Sebastian?

Sorry.

Last night, I was called to the station for a formal interview.

Forensics found the cake had traces of nuts in it.

Why, they let you go?

They found it had been injected with a hand

cream that contained nut oil after I'd made it.

We think it might be the same person who

tampered with all Valentina's other items.

So you want us to find the saboteur and put Maria in the clear?

Please.

The channel are on my back to resolve this fast

and I can't have my new presenter under suspicion.

New presenter?

I know me and Valentina didn't see eye to eye, but Tony's given me his blessing.

Who's going to be in the booth?

Oh, how about Jane Foll?

The product fluffer.

Well, Maria, you said it, she really knows her staff.

Jane's great, it's just she's a bit ordinary.

I'm not sure she has that dynamic, capable flair we're looking for.

Hang on, you said that you did am-dram.

Me?

Or was that just part of your cover?

Oh, no, no, I have done some am-dram and three-year

classical training at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts.

And he's worked at the RAC.

Perfect.

How do you fancy resuming your undercover role only this time live on camera?

Own whatever the case requires.

Seven, nine, two.

Cheers. And tell Will at the Mallard that your next pint is on my tab.

So, my contact at the station reckons it's

not just the EpiPen that's gone missing.

Valentina's mobile's gone walkabout too.

Hello, your call cannot be taken at the moment.

It's turned off, which means we can't trace it.

Are we getting her with the footage?

Yeah, look at this.

Here comes Maria, she brings the cake, she pops it on the trolley there,

and then she wheels it out of sight.

You don't think she could have tampered with it?

Yeah, maybe.

I mean, with Valentina out of the picture,

she does become lead presenter, doesn't she?

But it's a bit risky, isn't it, poisoning her cake you made yourself?

Yeah, I suppose.

And it puts her right in Keila's line of sight.

- Everybody else come in. - Yeah.

Andrew.

Yeah.

Goes out of sight.

And then, a few minutes later, Tony.

Hmm.

And then, oh, yeah, it's Jane.

I saw they all could have had opportunity.

Hmm.

Stop it there.

She got something in her apron pocket.

So this gives you the latest sales figures,

and this shows you who's waiting on the phone.

But don't worry, they vet all the calls before they go on air.

Thank you.

And, um, I'm sorry again for lying about who I was.

I won't hold it against you.

Much.

So, how does it feel finally getting to present?

Well, I'd feel better if it wasn't under such horrible circumstances.

It doesn't feel real. I mean, me, a television presenter.

Marriage and kids with Fabian was all I ever wanted.

This was taken the day he opened his garage?

I was supposed to be head of admin and sales.

Funny how things change.

Well, it's his loss, because you are about to become the new star of shopping TV.

BEEPING

Lou, with an update.

You haven't seen Jane about, have you?

She didn't come in today. I think she's too upset.

- Hello. - Hello.

Well, you're the investigators, aren't you?

Yes, I am, Lu. This is Frank.

We just wanted to see how you were. We heard you weren't in work.

Yeah, I couldn't face it. No, not after.

You murdered Valentino Orsino.

Oh, no!

I got footage of you by the cake in the prep room,

and you definitely had something in your apron pocket.

That's not what you think.

You can't believe that...

...you'd better come in.

Oh! Wow! I bet you're a nightmare to buy for for Christmas, eh?

Once an item's been demoed on screen, it can't be sold.

They just sit, gathering dust in the storeroom.

So you thought you'd bring just a couple of things home?

I was only borrowing them. I was going to put it all back eventually.

I spent hours researching these products.

So the thing that was in your apron, is that

what you were round with Valentino about?

She saw me slipping it into my bag.

She said she'd tell Andrew I was a thief and get me sacked.

But she never got a chance.

I didn't kill Valentino, I swear.

So why didn't you go into work today, then?

Yeah, I mean, it did make you look a little bit guilty.

Well, look around you. I am guilty.

I didn't think it was stealing, not really, but...

When Valentino caught me like that, I realised I was lying to myself.

I'm going to have to quit.

Maybe not. It's never too late to make things right.

You've got the electric foot warmer with detachable firm off.

I really wanted one of these. I nearly got one, actually.

Sorry.

Oh! Is that the massage mat that Andrew said went rogue?

Yeah, I brought it back to try and figure out what went wrong with it.

And to give it a go, of course.

Vindaloo?

No, I recognise that shade.

That's breathtaking bronze.

I had a bit of a thing for Tony back in the day, you know...

when he was on Good Morning Stratford.

Spray on hair,

fake tan and...

Ooh, haemorrhoid cream.

- Yeah, I can see why you liked him. - Stop it.

Yeah, that's definitely a match.

Breathtaking bronze, that's what was on the mattress.

Do you think he was sabotaging his wife because she treated him like a doormat?

I don't know. I feel like it was something more than that.

What do you think you're doing?

We're doing our job, Mr Osino.

It was you, wasn't it?

You were the one that was meddling with Valentina.

Well, that's ridiculous. Why would I do that?

Because Burton isn't really your pet name, is it?

It's the name of her lover.

She was having an affair and you found out, didn't you?

You don't know what it's like.

We were married as such a vibrant and beautiful woman.

I mean, I've tried to hold the years back.

She's hardly aged since we were married.

I suspected she was seeing someone, so I bought some spyware for her phone.

I'm not proud, but I tracked her to a local hotel multiple times.

And did you confront her?

What, and risk her leaving me? No.

No, I decided to play some practical jokes, always childish and stupid.

I hate myself now.

So is that what the cake was about?

Maybe you didn't mean to kill her, but you

just wanted her to swell up on live TV.

That wasn't me. I'd never risked that.

I might have wanted to humiliate her, but I never wanted her to come to any harm.

Much less die.

This spyware, was it a location-sharing app?

No, it was more sophisticated than that.

I could track Val's phone to within centimetres, even when it was turned off.

14 calories.

Throat lozenge.

You've got to protect that voice now.

Thanks.

So do the viewers have to pay extra for the workouts

with this, or is there some kind of monthly fee?

I don't know. I wish Jane was here. She always knows this stuff.

There's a contents library of over 1,000 workouts.

Jane, you're back.

And with that model, you can connect your phone via

Bluetooth and exercise to all your favourite tunes.

Hey, you ever thought about presenting, Jane?

Oh, heavens, no. Who'd want to see me on screen?

I'm not exactly glamorous.

Now, I don't suppose you could help me put this lot back on the shelves?

Tony was the saboteur.

Wait, is he the killer, then?

We don't think so.

I know this is your studio,

but it seemed like you did everything that Valentina demanded.

Why?

I told you, she was our big star. We needed her.

But audience research showed that Maria was nearly as popular.

You could have replaced Valentina with her.

It made her life a lot easier.

Maybe there was another reason you didn't.

Maybe it's because you and Valentina were having an affair.

Are you crazy? She'd eat me alive.

Then why do you have her phone?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I turned it off.

State of the art spyware.

Concerned phone's on remotely now.

Did you murder Valentina?

No.

I took her phone after she died, yes, but that's it.

She had a video of me. I needed to make sure no-one saw it.

Over your corporate tax, this significantly reduces our liability.

That's right.

Then let's establish an analyses and get started.

OK.

You talk about dull.

Why was Andrew so desperate to get his hands on theirs?

Because they're discussing some dodgy tax avoidance scheme.

Apparently...

he got some massive end-of-year bill that he couldn't afford to pay,

so he hired a specialist to do a bit of

creative accounting, hoped he'd save the studio.

Valentina got wind of it, recorded one of the meetings.

Yeah, and then Valentina threatened to tell the tax man

if Andrew didn't do everything she asked of him.

So with her dead, he's free?

Yeah.

Was there anything else on there?

Oh, no, just lots and lots of messages from other men she'd been seeing.

No wonder Tony was upset.

She had, like, more than five of them on the go with proper racy stuff as well.

And all you showed me was some boring tax video.

I know we know about Burton, but there was also Hilton, Todd, Fisher... Wilding.

How do you know that?

Elizabeth Taylor's husband.

Valentina must have named her lovers after them.

She did. Icon.

We need to have another look on here. We must be missing something.

Actually, I need to go and prepare for my live television debut.

- Wish us some fryer. - Hah?

Fryer tuck.

- What? - Good luck.

Oh, very good.

Oh, er, I'm just getting a call from the chocolate factory.

One of the rumpa-lumpas gone missing.

Oh, Frank, can't let him go on telly like that.

He's supposed to be giving a tribute to Valentina.

Hey, Tony. Hi. Hello.

You ever heard a little word about your make-up?

Oh, do I need a bit more?

Many of you, like me, saw Valentina as a true friend.

She was an integral part of the WSC family, and we will all miss her terribly.

Looks much better. Well done.

As you know, my wife was extremely excited

about our 20th birthday Bonanza promotion.

Our best selling items with a whopping 20% off.

Valentina was passionate about bringing you the best possible deal.

So, in her memory, we're going to knock another 5% off all prices

and throw in one of these Valentina tribute candles with every purchase.

Really?

We've lost the whole morning, and we need to hit the channel's target.

Besides, it's what she would have wanted.

Now, in my ultimate way to take your calls is the lovely Simeon.

Say hello, Simeon.

Hello, Simeon.

He's going to do great, isn't he?

Absolutely.

First up is this state-of-the-art exercise bike.

Tony, would you like to do the honours?

Ooh.

Now, this model has access to an online library of over 1,000 workouts.

Or you can simply connect your phone via Bluetooth

so you can work out to your favourite tunes.

Tony, what do you fancy? Some soft rock?

Always, Maria.

Oh, that is so smooth.

Just like the music.

Now, this bike normally retails at £299, and we're offering it for £199.99.

- But today, with your £25,000 discount... - What is he doing?

I think Simeon wants them to go over.

No, no, you can't. We're live.

Okay, stay tight on Tony and Maria.

Just over £12 a month.

I mean, that's cheaper than a gym membership, isn't it?

A gym membership?

I'm sold. I've got to get one of these.

I think I know who the killer is.

We're also throwing in the passport wallet and matching luggage tags.

Is that a bargain or what?

Well, especially with that extra discount.

Now, our next item isn't just a razor.

It's a 15-in-1 total grooming system.

You're doing brilliantly.

Remember, it comes with all these attachable tools.

What are they doing now?

Uh, we need to talk to you about Valentina's death.

I'm about to be on camera.

What? You think I killed her?

Well, she did destroy your drain.

What, been a presenter on a low-budget shopping channel?

No, Maria. Look up the dream (?)

...and the tea are cool.

Shall we go somewhere quieter?

Over to another of our bestsellers and a favourite for all you campers out there.

Isn't that right, Maria?

Maria, you look very different. Have you changed your hair?

- We are. They all go in the... - I'm just having a joke with you.

Maria's had to step off for a moment, so joining us now for the next item

is my good friend, Lu.

Read it.

Oh, a bestseller for sure.

Let's talk about bearable, wearable sleeping bags.

What does Fabian have to do with Valentina's death?

He's the mysterious Burton she was having an affair with.

Yeah, at first we were having trouble making the connection,

but luckily, Sebastian here is as much a

fan of the silver screen as Valentina was.

She named her lovers after the husbands of Elizabeth Taylor

and Richard Burton famously starred in the film Cleopatra,

which is also the name of Fabian's garage.

I think that's a bit of a stretch.

Yeah, that's what I thought until...

we found this.

Valentina's phone?

Yeah, we called up Burton on it and guess who answered?

Fabian.

He had a lot to say about you, how he couldn't accept the fact he'd split up,

how you became obsessed with finding out why he left you,

and then you realised he was seeing Valentina, didn't you?

And you decided she needed to pay.

It's a great theory, but unless you have any hard evidence,

I really need to get back to that.

You know, for someone who takes such good care of their vocal chords,

I thought it was strange to see you in the smoking shed the other day.

So I asked Frank and Lu to take a look at the cigarette bin.

Yeah, they did, didn't they?

And it's not the nicest place to root around, but then we found these.

I wonder what the police will find when they check them for DNA and prints.

We've been planning our wedding since school, me and Fabian.

The only reason I took this job, so we could save more.

Then a few months ago, he just went cold,

called off the engagement, moved out.

Wouldn't even take my calls.

I knew it was another woman, but I never imagined...

It was after the menopause segment disaster.

I went to Valentina's dressing room

and I was going to beg her to let me help with the birthday bonanza launch.

I found her on the phone.

Fabian, you can look under my hood any day.

My Fabian. I couldn't believe it.

Ciao.

So you're the other woman?

How could you?

Well, you tried stealing my presenting job.

So I stole your man.

This is about work.

Do you even love him?

Of course not, darling. It's just a bit of fun.

You know what he meant to me. We were getting married.

Oh, no, no. I didn't tell him to leave you.

That was all him.

He realised he didn't want to be stuck with you for the rest of his life.

Not once he knew what he was missing.

I'm looking forward to trying your cake.

See you on set.

Valentina had a problem with her stupid cart

and I gave her Fabian's details just to be nice.

Valentina spotted my hand cream when I first started

and she went mad because it had almond oil in it.

Banned it from the building.

But I still had it in my car.

You knew someone at the studio was sabotaging Valentina.

You hoped they'd also be blamed for tampering with the cake.

Which is why you begged Andrew to keep us on the kiss.

I was going to retrieve it after we finished today.

Dispose of them properly.

So I will leave them back.

Oh, I don't think so.

GO!

That just looks so comfy.

And it's practical too, isn't it?

Yes, Tony. And it's actually very lightweight.

Tony.

So it doesn't just have to be for camping.

You could wear this around the house on the school run,

even for popping out the shops.

Well, I don't know about the shops, Tony.

It's a bit warm in here and can't actually move much.

But I love the colour.

Oh, Lu, you're a hoot.

I bet you can't wait to take one of these home, can you?

- Give me that bag! - Oh, my dead body.

- Can you give her ideas? - Maria?

You saw them, Maria.

No!

Valentina was an evil cow. She bullied everyone.

She slept with anything that moved.

She didn't care who she hurt.

I did the world a favour. My game's ruined.

Ah!

And, thank goodness, this model comes with an automatic shut-off.

It's actually much more practical than it looks, Tony.

Giving it a thumbs up.

Don't know if you can see that.

I honestly don't know how you lot do it.

It's a mixture of sheer stupidity and dumb luck.

I think you'll find it's called good old-fashioned detective work.

Isn't that right, Sebastian?

Yes.

And, actually, it was pretty obvious if you knew where to look.

You too now, is it?

Just what I need.

Hey, Keeler, need any pointers?

Just give us a call.

LAUGHTER

Oh, I'm so sorry about ruining your programme.

Are you kidding?

The sales figures have been off the chart.

The Channel are thrilled.

Hey, forget promotions.

That you just unveiled Keeler's live on air.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, guys?

Guys?

I'm going to need some help getting out of this...

I can't believe you've got it on again.

It's actually really comfy.

You just have to be a little bit thanked (?).

A bit creative if you need a wee, you know?

Mm.

Oh, oh, it's on.

Seb, turn it up.

Oh, it looks different.

Not just a make-up.

Yeah.

Did I tell you?

He sold Valentina's fancy car, gave the money to Andrew to pay the tax bill.

Here she comes.

Jane, this looks like a complicated bit of kit.

Oh, actually, Tony, it's so easy.

Even you could do it.

Oh, look, she's a natural.

I like you.

You know, we may nearly have been head-strimmed to death,

but I'm so glad Andrew finally recognised Jane's potential.

Yeah, according to the forums,

the viewers are really enjoying seeing

somebody like them on screen, somebody real.

Mm.

Still don't know where to stand in the booth, though, have they?

No.

It's, um, funny, you should say.

I've actually been offered that job full-time.

Oh.

Oh.

Well, we have been talking, and, um...

Yeah, but we were thinking maybe we could pay

for you to do the professional investigator course.

- Really? - Yeah.

You did really well on this case, we wouldn't have cracked it without you.

We just thought you might like the chance to hone your skills.

I mean, we can't pay you any more money,

but we can hire someone to cover the phones and that while you're studying.

Would I, um, get a new job title?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, executive, investigative, assistant.

Joven, my stars be praised, I'd be honoured.

You know, I think my place might always be

with Shakespeare and Hathaway and Brudenell.

Brudenell, Shakespeare and Hathaway, it's got a ring to it.

We don't need to talk about billing now.

I need to work out where I'll put my desk, switch that, buy some business cards.

Yes, inch.

I think we've created a monster.

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