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1
00:01:22,248 --> 00:01:25,285
So what do you think?
How we doing on time?
2
00:01:25,285 --> 00:01:27,320
About 15 minutes
till the game starts.
3
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:29,489
So, you think the Mets
are gonna choke this year?
4
00:01:29,489 --> 00:01:30,990
I don't know.
5
00:01:30,990 --> 00:01:33,560
Jeepers, these towels
are soft and fluffy.
6
00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:35,061
You can say that again.
7
00:01:35,061 --> 00:01:37,197
Jeepers, these towels
are soft and fluffy.
8
00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:38,565
What was the question?
9
00:01:42,402 --> 00:01:43,703
I'll get it.
10
00:01:43,703 --> 00:01:45,405
No, no, no, no, don't get up.
11
00:01:45,405 --> 00:01:47,073
Please don't disturb yourselves.
12
00:01:48,541 --> 00:01:50,343
Hey, birthday girl.
13
00:01:50,343 --> 00:01:52,712
T minus five days
and counting. Huh?
14
00:01:52,712 --> 00:01:55,115
Wow, it's that time again, huh?
15
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,751
Boy, they just keep coming,
don't they?
16
00:01:57,751 --> 00:01:59,319
Oh, yeah.
17
00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:02,222
Well, I came for my son
and my cappuccino maker.
18
00:02:02,222 --> 00:02:03,957
The baby prefers
his milk steamed,
19
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:05,592
you know, his ransom of Paris.
20
00:02:05,592 --> 00:02:06,793
No problem.
21
00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,029
So, where's your walker, grandma?
22
00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:14,467
Isn't he funny, Joe?
23
00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:15,935
Yeah, he's a riot.
24
00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:24,377
- Jude.
- I'm fine, I'm fine.
25
00:02:24,377 --> 00:02:27,847
Come on, come on,
birthdays are fun.
26
00:02:27,847 --> 00:02:30,016
Presents and cake,
and I'm sure Richard
27
00:02:30,016 --> 00:02:31,918
has something
spectacular planned, right?
28
00:02:31,918 --> 00:02:34,154
What's gonna be this year, huh?
Burgers at the Taj Mahal?
29
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,822
Maybe square dancing
with the Kennedys?
30
00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:38,124
He hasn't planned anything.
31
00:02:38,124 --> 00:02:39,826
Nice going, Dad.
32
00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:41,728
Why not? Where is he?
33
00:02:41,728 --> 00:02:43,897
Some Canadian snow geese,
34
00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:47,534
straight off their migratory
route and...
35
00:02:47,534 --> 00:02:50,503
...and the Audubon Society
asked him to reunite the flock.
36
00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:55,008
That's too bad.
37
00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:58,445
I'll tell you what
I'll take you out.
38
00:02:58,445 --> 00:03:00,613
Yeah, yeah,
we'll go to the movies
39
00:03:00,613 --> 00:03:02,649
or I'll take you to dinner.
40
00:03:02,649 --> 00:03:04,751
We figured you spoiled
our surprise party.
41
00:03:06,052 --> 00:03:07,721
Damn.
42
00:03:07,721 --> 00:03:09,689
Damn,
I just remembered I have this...
43
00:03:09,689 --> 00:03:12,659
- I'll think of something.
- ...the big
book convention and...
44
00:03:12,659 --> 00:03:14,794
- The big week on terror.
- ...Connecticut,
45
00:03:14,794 --> 00:03:16,629
the Connecticut Book Convention.
46
00:03:16,629 --> 00:03:18,298
What are you talking about?
47
00:03:18,298 --> 00:03:21,201
- I thought we were
supposed to get together.
- No, no, no.
48
00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:23,236
That was before I remembered
the book convention.
49
00:03:23,236 --> 00:03:26,172
Okay, we can reschedule.
50
00:03:26,172 --> 00:03:27,674
Hey, don't worry about me.
51
00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:29,843
Turning 39 is no big deal.
52
00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:31,611
Unless you live in Latvia.
53
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:34,514
Life expectancy's 40.
54
00:03:35,715 --> 00:03:37,117
They burn a lot of coal.
55
00:03:37,117 --> 00:03:39,119
If I could just have
my cappuccino maker now?
56
00:03:39,119 --> 00:03:40,920
Actually,
could I borrow it for...
57
00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:42,689
- Party.
- ...the weekend?
58
00:03:42,689 --> 00:03:45,125
I promise to give you,
I'd bring it
to the big book convention.
59
00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:47,093
You know, it's our year
to make cappuccino.
60
00:03:47,093 --> 00:03:49,229
Well, all right,
but I want it back Monday.
61
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,497
Have a nice weekend.
62
00:03:50,497 --> 00:03:51,998
- Jeremy.
- Take it easy.
63
00:03:51,998 --> 00:03:53,400
Bye-bye now. Watch that.
64
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:54,801
See ya.
65
00:03:57,370 --> 00:03:59,472
Big surprise party Friday night.
66
00:03:59,472 --> 00:04:01,007
Don't worry, Dad,
like I thought
you were gonna take
67
00:04:01,007 --> 00:04:03,343
the cappuccino maker
to Connecticut.
68
00:04:03,343 --> 00:04:05,245
Remember,
mom's the word, okay?
69
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:07,080
Just keep it under your hand.
70
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,748
This is gonna be fantastic.
71
00:04:08,748 --> 00:04:10,817
I can't believe
I thought of this.
I'm a genius.
72
00:04:10,817 --> 00:04:13,486
Will you relax?
It's just a surprise party.
73
00:04:13,486 --> 00:04:15,388
No, no, no, it's not.
You know why?
74
00:04:15,388 --> 00:04:17,557
Because at the end of the night,
there's gonna be a phone call.
75
00:04:17,557 --> 00:04:20,727
And it's not gonna be Judith
calling me about
some amazing thing Richard did.
76
00:04:20,727 --> 00:04:23,530
She's gonna be calling him
up in the Yukon someplace,
77
00:04:23,530 --> 00:04:25,799
telling him about
the amazing thing that I did.
78
00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:27,167
You see?
79
00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:28,535
Always thinking.
80
00:04:28,535 --> 00:04:30,804
Sounds great.
81
00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:33,673
But what are you gonna
do about the book convention?
82
00:04:45,552 --> 00:04:46,986
What are you doing?
83
00:04:46,986 --> 00:04:48,154
Nothing.
84
00:04:48,154 --> 00:04:50,724
Look, I need these notes
typed up ASAP.
85
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:54,894
We have to settle
for an ASAI, GBFL.
86
00:04:54,894 --> 00:04:57,530
- What?
- As soon as I get back
from lunch.
87
00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:01,067
WS with Sherman.
88
00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:02,202
Who's Sherman?
89
00:05:02,202 --> 00:05:03,737
That would be me.
90
00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:05,138
Sherman.
91
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:06,940
Hello, Toby Marie.
92
00:05:09,109 --> 00:05:11,611
Martin, I wanna present
Sherman McKigney,
93
00:05:11,611 --> 00:05:12,879
the love of my life.
94
00:05:12,879 --> 00:05:15,315
Sherman, this is Martin Tupper,
95
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,617
the boss of my life.
96
00:05:17,617 --> 00:05:18,718
Nice to meet you.
97
00:05:18,718 --> 00:05:20,620
You know,
anthropologists believe
98
00:05:20,620 --> 00:05:23,656
the handshake started as a way
to show you were unarmed.
99
00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:26,626
I like to think it grows out
of our need for human contact.
100
00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:30,997
]
He does magic tricks as well.
101
00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:33,933
That's terrific.
Do you do birthday parties?
102
00:05:33,933 --> 00:05:36,069
Actually,
you've just seen half my act.
103
00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:38,338
I'm gonna go freshen up.
104
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:40,073
Try not to say anything stupid.
105
00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:46,012
She's really something.
106
00:05:46,012 --> 00:05:48,581
It's like they took
the whole sun and wrapped it up
107
00:05:48,581 --> 00:05:51,084
in a beautiful
blue-eyed package.
108
00:05:51,084 --> 00:05:54,087
You're a lucky man to be around
so much sunshine all day long.
109
00:05:57,490 --> 00:05:59,025
I'm very fortunate.
110
00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:04,831
Oh, um, is there a phone
I can use somewhere private?
111
00:06:04,831 --> 00:06:07,267
- Use my office.
- You're a good man,
Charlie Brown.
112
00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:10,403
Just the take of time.
113
00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:18,244
Hi, it's me.
114
00:06:18,244 --> 00:06:19,746
Sweetheart, don't cry.
115
00:06:19,746 --> 00:06:22,215
Look, lots of people
have marital problems,
116
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:24,584
but we'll work it out,
it's going to be okay.
117
00:06:24,584 --> 00:06:26,720
We'll talk about it
as soon as I get there.
118
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,189
Take him
and hang him to a tree.
119
00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:32,492
And then sow the dead body
in the skin of a pig.
120
00:06:32,492 --> 00:06:34,227
Where's my love monster?
121
00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:37,864
- Your love monster is--
- Toby, I'm sorry,
122
00:06:37,864 --> 00:06:39,432
but I'm going to have to
cancel lunch.
123
00:06:39,432 --> 00:06:42,736
There's an emergency at the--
at the office.
124
00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,204
You dirty liar.
125
00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:47,040
Oh. Okay, maybe tomorrow?
126
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:49,376
I'll-- I'll call you.
127
00:06:51,611 --> 00:06:52,912
Nice to meet you, Martin.
128
00:06:55,315 --> 00:06:56,483
Bye, Toby.
129
00:07:00,553 --> 00:07:01,755
Isn't he dreamy?
130
00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:03,957
Well, he does seem very...
131
00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:05,258
Mary, Mary.
132
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:06,626
...nice.
133
00:07:06,626 --> 00:07:09,596
Toby, how well do you
actually know this guy?
134
00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:12,599
Well, not in the biblical sense,
if that's what
you're getting at.
135
00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:14,668
But I want to tell you,
when I'm around him,
136
00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:17,604
I feel like a baby
on a roller coaster.
137
00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:18,772
My heart goes...
138
00:07:20,740 --> 00:07:21,975
Here feel it.
139
00:07:25,845 --> 00:07:27,547
That's okay, it's okay,
I believe you.
140
00:07:27,547 --> 00:07:29,215
It's just...
141
00:07:29,215 --> 00:07:31,017
You know, I think he's--
142
00:07:31,017 --> 00:07:34,421
Funny, charming, sexy.
143
00:07:34,421 --> 00:07:35,922
- Married.
- Married,
144
00:07:35,922 --> 00:07:37,457
I think he's married, Toby.
145
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,325
Oh, my God,
146
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:41,795
You're jealous.
147
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,363
Excuse me?
148
00:07:43,363 --> 00:07:46,299
You can't stand the thought
of me being with another man.
149
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:49,402
You know, ever since
your wife dumped you,
you want me all to yourself.
150
00:07:49,402 --> 00:07:50,770
- Well, I'm sorry, Martin--
- Toby.
151
00:07:50,770 --> 00:07:53,306
I just heard him talking
to his wife on the phone.
152
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:55,108
He's on his way to meet her. I--
153
00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:58,478
I'm sorry, but I just--
thought you should know.
154
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,947
Where are you going?
Toby, where are you going?
155
00:08:00,947 --> 00:08:03,416
I'm going to
find out for myself.
156
00:08:03,416 --> 00:08:05,485
This, your immediate mission,
157
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:08,755
is one upon
which the very existence
158
00:08:08,755 --> 00:08:10,323
of our nation may depend.
159
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,158
Toby, Toby!
160
00:08:19,366 --> 00:08:21,701
Toby, I really don't think
we should be doing this.
You know what?
161
00:08:21,701 --> 00:08:25,005
Why don't we just go back
and get those notes
typed up, okay?
162
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,040
This is true.
I'm going to kill myself.
163
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,742
I'm going to put
a bullet to my head.
164
00:08:28,742 --> 00:08:31,745
I'm going to drink poison
and throw myself off a bridge.
165
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:37,584
I tell you, there are
certain necessary lies.
166
00:08:37,584 --> 00:08:39,885
I was probably wrong.
You know me.
167
00:08:39,885 --> 00:08:41,353
Gav, gav, gav, gav.
168
00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:43,690
After time, I don't even know
what I'm saying.
169
00:08:45,291 --> 00:08:47,794
Shh!
170
00:08:47,794 --> 00:08:49,429
He's over here.
171
00:08:55,635 --> 00:08:57,270
See? Did you see that?
172
00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:58,672
One apple. Just one.
173
00:08:58,672 --> 00:09:00,740
If he were married, he'd-- Two.
174
00:09:00,740 --> 00:09:02,542
It's six dollars.
175
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:04,010
Who are those folks?
176
00:09:09,015 --> 00:09:10,550
- Thanks a lot.
- Toby?
177
00:09:25,598 --> 00:09:27,400
- Where is he?
- I don't know.
178
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,402
I don't know. Come on, Toby.
Let's go back to the office.
179
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:32,372
Wait, wait, wait.
I'm trying
to prove a point here.
180
00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:35,842
Now, why would a man
come to a church
in the middle of the afternoon
181
00:09:35,842 --> 00:09:38,278
if he wasn't a perfectly
good Catholic man?
182
00:09:38,278 --> 00:09:39,946
You're right.
I'm sure he's a Saint.
183
00:09:39,946 --> 00:09:41,948
- A single Saint.
- Exactly.
184
00:09:41,948 --> 00:09:45,218
That'll teach you
to spread rumors about
a perfectly innocent
185
00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:46,386
priest.
186
00:09:47,620 --> 00:09:48,988
Hello, Margaret.
187
00:09:48,988 --> 00:09:51,024
I got here as soon as I could.
188
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:54,394
Let's go to my office
and talk about what's going on
with you and Frank.
189
00:09:56,196 --> 00:09:57,997
I told you he wasn't married.
190
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:02,702
- Toby, I'm sorry.
- You should be.
191
00:10:02,702 --> 00:10:05,538
I was going to have
a nice lunch with my boyfriend.
192
00:10:05,538 --> 00:10:08,842
- Now, thanks to you,
I'm dating a priest!
- Me?
193
00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:11,011
Hey, if you're going
to blame somebody,
blame the padre.
194
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:13,446
Don't lay blame
on a man of the cloth?
195
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:17,017
Even if he is a two-faced
apple buying no good grief!
196
00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:18,518
Are you going
to break up with him?
197
00:10:18,518 --> 00:10:21,421
You betcha.
Nobody lies to a Pedalbee.
198
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:24,257
No! No!
199
00:10:25,825 --> 00:10:26,993
No!
200
00:10:26,993 --> 00:10:29,029
I'll meet you
back at the office.
201
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,399
Just take
the rest of the day off.
202
00:10:39,939 --> 00:10:42,642
Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.
203
00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:46,913
- Toby.
- Sorry to bother you
at work, Father.
204
00:10:46,913 --> 00:10:48,548
Love, monster.
205
00:10:50,417 --> 00:10:52,686
I'm so sorry.
I really was going to tell you.
206
00:10:52,686 --> 00:10:54,287
When? When they made you poop?
207
00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:56,589
How could you do this to me?
208
00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:58,725
I had dreams of us
growing old together.
209
00:10:58,725 --> 00:11:01,661
I thought we could drive
cross-country in a Winnebago,
210
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,396
see that donut outside Butte.
211
00:11:03,396 --> 00:11:05,799
I never meant for it
to get this far.
212
00:11:05,799 --> 00:11:07,867
Well, it did. You kissed me.
213
00:11:07,867 --> 00:11:10,003
You're a priest
and you kissed me!
214
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:12,238
And I kissed you back.
215
00:11:12,238 --> 00:11:14,074
How many Hail Mary
should I say for that?
216
00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:15,909
- Infinity!
- Toby, please.
217
00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:18,211
I don't want to hear it.
You make me sin.
218
00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:22,148
I can't believe
I used to picture you.
219
00:11:22,148 --> 00:11:23,750
Without your underwear.
220
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:27,554
- Without my underwear?
- Four times!
221
00:11:27,554 --> 00:11:30,023
And now, thanks to you,
I'm going to be flipping burgers
222
00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,391
with the Prince of Darkness!
223
00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:33,526
I have to confess,
224
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:36,896
I had impure
thoughts of you as well.
225
00:11:36,896 --> 00:11:39,032
Don't tell me!
I don't want to know.
226
00:11:42,268 --> 00:11:43,370
How impure?
227
00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:46,272
God forgive me,
but we were alone
228
00:11:46,272 --> 00:11:47,574
in a moonlit meadow.
229
00:11:48,675 --> 00:11:50,377
As naked as Adam Eve.
230
00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:52,779
Are there snakes?
231
00:11:52,779 --> 00:11:55,882
Because I-- I am not
crazy about the snakes.
232
00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:57,884
Ah, no snakes.
233
00:11:57,884 --> 00:11:59,686
It's just you and me.
234
00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:03,390
And we lie back
235
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,158
in the cool grass.
236
00:12:06,593 --> 00:12:09,662
And look up to Heavens
and slowly...
237
00:12:11,498 --> 00:12:12,766
so slowly, I--
238
00:12:15,935 --> 00:12:18,471
Sherm, hurry up.
239
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:20,540
I'm lying naked
in a meadow here.
240
00:12:20,540 --> 00:12:23,176
I sweep you into my arms.
241
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:26,112
Your pecs are so ripply.
242
00:12:26,112 --> 00:12:30,316
Our bodies entwine like
the grapevine of the mighty oak.
243
00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:31,384
Oh, boy.
244
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:33,887
I can feel your heart beating.
245
00:12:33,887 --> 00:12:36,022
My head is going to explode.
246
00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:38,058
- This is wrong.
- I know!
247
00:12:38,058 --> 00:12:39,325
You're in the church.
248
00:12:39,325 --> 00:12:40,827
No, a Meadow.
249
00:12:40,827 --> 00:12:44,264
Oh, God.
250
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:45,632
Oh, God.
251
00:12:45,632 --> 00:12:47,434
Oh, God.
252
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:49,169
Oh, God.
253
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:52,072
Oh, God. Oh, God.
254
00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:55,508
Oh, God!
255
00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:58,378
Okay, so, you're taking
your mother to dinner.
256
00:12:58,378 --> 00:13:00,280
But you have to stop
at Dad's because?
257
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,949
- Because I need my suit.
- Because?
258
00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:04,517
Because I spilled
mustard on the other one.
259
00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:06,453
Right, then you'll buzz
to let me know when you're here.
260
00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:08,088
Now, buzzing is key,
and if she asks you
261
00:13:08,088 --> 00:13:09,756
why you're
buzzing, you'll say...
262
00:13:09,756 --> 00:13:11,925
Oh, no. I forgot.
263
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:13,760
Dad's at the
Connecticut Book Convention.
264
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,228
Perfect.
Okay. One more time.
265
00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:17,163
No, that's it.
I'm out of here.
266
00:13:19,432 --> 00:13:20,967
Remember, now, buzzing is key.
267
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:22,068
Buzzing.
268
00:13:23,870 --> 00:13:25,672
Hi, Toby.
269
00:13:25,672 --> 00:13:27,040
Are you okay?
270
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,341
Never better.
271
00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:30,810
I did the right thing,
and I feel terrific.
272
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,179
You know,
priests are a lot easier
273
00:13:33,179 --> 00:13:35,115
to get over than normal people.
274
00:13:35,115 --> 00:13:37,717
Really? Well, good. Good.
I'm going for you.
275
00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:39,619
Uh, are you up
to taking a few notes?
276
00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:41,354
I got a million things
to do for Judah's party.
277
00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:44,290
It would be my great pleasure
to help you in any way I can.
278
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,027
A doll. A living doll.
279
00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:48,695
I need 40 paper hats.
280
00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:50,830
Teenage of pirates, pilgrims,
leprechauns, and fire chiefs.
281
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:53,233
- Nice!
- I need streamers, balloons.
282
00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:54,968
A cake in the shape of a brain.
283
00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:56,336
She's a psychologist.
284
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:59,272
You know--
285
00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:03,343
Would you stop?
Would you just stop?
I can't take it anymore.
286
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:05,879
- Uh, Toby.
- God's punishing me.
287
00:14:05,879 --> 00:14:07,480
I feel so guilty.
288
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:10,116
12 years of Catholic school.
I should have known better.
289
00:14:10,116 --> 00:14:11,451
What are you talking about?
290
00:14:11,451 --> 00:14:13,019
I lied, okay?
291
00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:14,521
I didn't break it off
with Sherman.
292
00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:16,823
And now
God's showing me who's boss.
293
00:14:16,823 --> 00:14:19,459
Twice!
I slammed my finger
in the drawer.
294
00:14:19,459 --> 00:14:21,428
My side hurts.
I don't know why.
295
00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:23,530
The photocopier
just ran out of tuna.
296
00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:25,298
I just refilled it
eight months ago.
297
00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:26,833
And now this!
298
00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:29,602
Toby. Toby.
Take a deep breath, will you?
299
00:14:29,602 --> 00:14:31,237
I really don't think
God's punishing you.
300
00:14:31,237 --> 00:14:33,506
What was I thinking?
He sees me when I'm sleeping.
301
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:34,708
He knows when I'm awake.
302
00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:36,476
He knows when
I've been bad or good.
303
00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:37,877
Toby. Toby.
304
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,212
Aren't you thinking
of Santa Claus?
305
00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:42,048
Whoever.
Martin, you gotta help me.
306
00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:44,484
I wanna break it off
with Sherman, but I can't.
307
00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:46,653
I love him too much.
308
00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:48,221
He asked me
to meet him at a hotel.
309
00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:51,257
God forbid. I said yes.
310
00:14:51,257 --> 00:14:53,660
Pray with me, Martin!
Pray with me!
311
00:14:53,660 --> 00:14:55,628
Pray with me, Martin!
312
00:15:01,668 --> 00:15:05,138
I'm going to take up
a collection to fight the devil.
313
00:15:05,138 --> 00:15:08,575
And I want you all to show me
how much you hate him.
314
00:15:26,659 --> 00:15:28,695
I thought you boys
would practice and, uh...
315
00:15:29,996 --> 00:15:31,698
- Martin.
- Father.
316
00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:37,337
Why don't you boys go
light some candles?
317
00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:44,511
From the tone of your voice,
I'm guessing
you're not here for communion.
318
00:15:44,511 --> 00:15:47,313
Oh, no, I just had
a little question to ask you.
319
00:15:47,313 --> 00:15:49,315
As a matter of curiosity,
320
00:15:49,315 --> 00:15:51,851
what made you become a priest?
321
00:15:51,851 --> 00:15:53,353
Are you out of your mind?
322
00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:57,457
I must be.
323
00:15:58,692 --> 00:16:00,727
I'm not even sure
what I'm doing anymore.
324
00:16:02,896 --> 00:16:05,165
I wake up,
I look in the mirror,
325
00:16:05,165 --> 00:16:08,401
and all I see
are the hollow eyes,
a lost soul.
326
00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:10,170
Oh, really?
Let me tell you something.
327
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:12,339
If you look a little lower,
you might notice a collar
328
00:16:12,339 --> 00:16:13,640
with a white thing
in the middle of it.
329
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,408
And where I come from,
that means "priest."
330
00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:17,977
You're absolutely right,
and I'm not proud.
331
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,146
Good, good.
Okay, lesson number two.
332
00:16:21,247 --> 00:16:23,116
Priests do not date.
333
00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:25,251
I've seen about
a thousand episodes
of the dating game,
334
00:16:25,251 --> 00:16:26,953
and not one contestant
was a priest.
335
00:16:26,953 --> 00:16:29,289
Believe me, I know
what I'm doing is wrong.
336
00:16:30,724 --> 00:16:32,625
Every day
I pray to God for guidance,
337
00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:34,427
but nothing.
338
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:35,729
He's abandoned me.
339
00:16:35,729 --> 00:16:37,630
Of course he's abandoned you.
340
00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:38,732
You're being a dick.
341
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:42,635
Morning, sister.
342
00:16:46,806 --> 00:16:48,541
Now, look,
Toby is in love with you,
343
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:49,909
and she deserves
better than this.
344
00:16:49,909 --> 00:16:51,511
If you really care about her,
you'll break it off.
345
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:52,612
And if you don't, I'll...
346
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,447
I command you
in the name of God!
347
00:16:56,282 --> 00:16:59,152
...I'll tell the Pope on you,
and don't you think I can't.
348
00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:02,255
My ex-wife's husband
is his bridge partner.
349
00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:47,467
- Toby.
- Yes?
350
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:49,135
It's me. Sherman.
351
00:17:49,135 --> 00:17:50,537
Oh.
352
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:04,551
- You look nice.
- We match.
353
00:18:06,386 --> 00:18:09,556
- We, uh, We need to talk.
- Talk?
354
00:18:09,556 --> 00:18:11,958
Then why'd you tell me
to get a hotel room
if we wanted to talk?
355
00:18:11,958 --> 00:18:13,026
We could have
gone to the movies.
356
00:18:13,026 --> 00:18:15,061
No, I mean...
357
00:18:15,061 --> 00:18:16,629
we can't do this,
we can't...
358
00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:21,568
see each other anymore.
359
00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:26,373
You're right. You're right.
360
00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:30,510
Part of me was hoping
that you would say that.
361
00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:32,512
But not all of me.
362
00:18:32,512 --> 00:18:35,115
I'm sorry, Toby.
363
00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:37,417
Me too.
364
00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:48,228
No, I can't share you with him.
365
00:18:48,228 --> 00:18:50,163
Don't say that.
366
00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:53,833
When you leave me,
you go back to him,
367
00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:56,670
to his house,
and all his children.
368
00:18:56,670 --> 00:18:58,471
You spend your
holidays with him.
369
00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:00,340
I can't go on like this,
Sherman.
370
00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:02,075
You gotta choose.
371
00:19:02,075 --> 00:19:04,244
It's either me or him.
Him or me.
372
00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:06,613
I know. I know.
373
00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:21,828
- It's you.
- Okay.
374
00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:29,369
Joanne,
get away from the window.
375
00:19:29,369 --> 00:19:31,538
Get away.
I don't want Jude to see you.
376
00:19:31,538 --> 00:19:32,605
Get--
377
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,842
Eddie, stop crowding the cake,
will you?
378
00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:39,512
Shit!
379
00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:41,981
He didn't buzz.
Ten times I told him to buzz.
380
00:19:41,981 --> 00:19:43,049
Hats!
381
00:19:43,049 --> 00:19:44,484
Hats! Hats! Hats!
Hats! Hats! Hats!
382
00:19:44,484 --> 00:19:46,653
Come on. Come on, everybody.
Come on. Come on.
383
00:19:46,653 --> 00:19:48,788
- Come on. Come on.
- Dad, let me in!
384
00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:50,256
What the hell is he doing?
385
00:19:50,256 --> 00:19:51,691
I'm supposed to be
in Connecticut.
386
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:53,293
I hate this damn hat.
387
00:19:53,293 --> 00:19:54,661
Shh!
388
00:19:58,832 --> 00:20:00,166
Surprise!
389
00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:01,668
Thank you.
390
00:20:01,668 --> 00:20:03,403
Dad, can I talk with you
for a minute?
391
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:08,308
Okay, everybody.
Stay where you are.
392
00:20:08,308 --> 00:20:09,809
And keep those hats on.
393
00:20:13,113 --> 00:20:14,848
Where's your mother?
394
00:20:14,848 --> 00:20:18,218
She's downstairs in the limo.
We're on our way to the airport.
395
00:20:18,218 --> 00:20:21,054
The airport?
That's not part of the plan.
396
00:20:21,054 --> 00:20:23,323
Bad news.
Richard solved the geese thing.
397
00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:25,492
So, he's flying us up
to the Arctic Circle.
398
00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:28,862
He said something about
a houseboat in Northern Lights.
399
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:36,970
But tonight?
I mean, why does it
have to be tonight?
400
00:20:38,104 --> 00:20:39,305
Because it's her birthday.
401
00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:42,776
Can't we just bring her up
for a minute,
you know, so she can see...
402
00:20:42,776 --> 00:20:44,411
- My hat.
- ...her friends?
403
00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:46,413
And I got a guy
coming to draw caricatures.
404
00:20:46,413 --> 00:20:48,415
You know, Mom,
if she comes up here
405
00:20:48,415 --> 00:20:50,417
and see how much trouble
you run through,
406
00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:52,619
she'll just wind up
feeling guilty.
407
00:20:52,619 --> 00:20:55,588
Now, you don't want her feeling
guilty on her birthday, do you?
408
00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:57,957
And what about me?
What about the way I feel?
409
00:20:57,957 --> 00:20:59,826
I guess not.
410
00:20:59,826 --> 00:21:02,462
Look, if it makes
you feel any better,
411
00:21:02,462 --> 00:21:03,930
she never suspected a thing.
412
00:21:08,068 --> 00:21:09,102
Bye, Dad.
413
00:21:11,504 --> 00:21:12,539
Bye.
414
00:21:21,748 --> 00:21:23,316
Surprise!
415
00:21:34,427 --> 00:21:35,528
Toby.
416
00:21:37,731 --> 00:21:39,733
The most miraculous thing
just happened.
417
00:21:42,168 --> 00:21:43,803
Something I've only heard about.
418
00:21:45,271 --> 00:21:46,840
Never experienced until now.
419
00:21:47,741 --> 00:21:49,075
You're telling me.
420
00:21:49,075 --> 00:21:51,878
If loving you is wrong,
I don't want to be right.
421
00:21:51,878 --> 00:21:53,046
I had an epiphany.
422
00:21:53,046 --> 00:21:54,714
I think I had three of them.
423
00:21:54,714 --> 00:21:56,016
I saw God.
424
00:21:56,016 --> 00:21:58,251
- Well, I wouldn't go that far.
- No.
425
00:21:59,986 --> 00:22:01,187
I saw God.
426
00:22:03,890 --> 00:22:05,825
- He was here.
- God was here?
427
00:22:05,825 --> 00:22:07,761
In the room? With us?
428
00:22:10,130 --> 00:22:11,164
In a sense.
429
00:22:13,700 --> 00:22:14,834
He's calling me.
430
00:22:14,834 --> 00:22:17,537
Well, don't answer.
He'll go away.
431
00:22:19,773 --> 00:22:22,142
I thought we had a deal.
You picked me.
432
00:22:22,142 --> 00:22:24,277
I can't, Toby.
433
00:22:25,578 --> 00:22:29,282
I've given twenty-five years
of my life to him.
434
00:22:31,051 --> 00:22:32,686
And as tempting as this is...
435
00:22:34,521 --> 00:22:36,723
I can't just walk away.
436
00:22:37,924 --> 00:22:40,794
This isn't fair.
He has so much already.
437
00:22:40,794 --> 00:22:43,196
I mean,
he has the ocean and the skies.
438
00:22:43,196 --> 00:22:45,065
I know that land.
439
00:22:45,065 --> 00:22:46,700
Why does he have to
have you too?
440
00:22:46,700 --> 00:22:49,202
Toby, I know
this is hard for you.
441
00:22:49,202 --> 00:22:52,839
But in a way,
you've been part
of a small miracle.
442
00:22:55,408 --> 00:22:57,077
You brought me closer to God.
443
00:22:58,445 --> 00:22:59,879
I'll never forget you, Toby.
444
00:23:02,615 --> 00:23:04,918
You know, I suppose
I should be flattered.
445
00:23:04,918 --> 00:23:07,320
But instead,
I just want to smack you.
446
00:23:27,307 --> 00:23:30,143
Don't worry, Toby,
there'll be lots of other...
447
00:23:31,644 --> 00:23:32,812
guys.
448
00:23:32,812 --> 00:23:33,880
I don't get it.
449
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,116
You finally meet a person
450
00:23:36,116 --> 00:23:38,351
who makes everything seem right.
451
00:23:38,351 --> 00:23:42,088
And then some
supreme being comes along
452
00:23:42,088 --> 00:23:43,990
and takes that person
away from you.
453
00:23:43,990 --> 00:23:46,960
Believe me,
I know exactly how you feel.
454
00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:49,596
Well, as Sister Mary Herman
used to say,
455
00:23:49,596 --> 00:23:51,598
"The good Lord giveth,
456
00:23:51,598 --> 00:23:54,067
and the good Lord taketh away."
457
00:23:54,067 --> 00:23:55,502
Amen to that.
458
00:23:55,502 --> 00:23:57,170
Religion
doesn't have to be this.
459
00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:01,608
Taking all the fun
out of everything...
460
00:24:01,608 --> 00:24:03,643
...can be bright.
461
00:24:05,111 --> 00:24:06,780
Bring you closer to happiness.
462
00:24:08,081 --> 00:24:10,383
So nobody touched
the brain cake, huh?
463
00:24:17,424 --> 00:24:20,560
Any time you take
religion for a joke,
the laugh is on you.
33359
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