Original subtitles

Is it so?

Don't wanna let you go.

No, I never can say goodbye.

No,

no, no.

I never can say goodbye.

No, no, no. No, no, no. Who ever

thought you and I

were getting married?

Did you ever think? you'd live to see the day.

I wasn't even sure I'd live to brush my teeth this morning.

Did you brush them?

I'll get around to it.

I've still got so much planning to do.

Food, drinks, the ceremony.

Don't get carried away, Stuart. Remember, we're only spending that money

incontinent pad commercial.

Don't you have that audition tomorrow?

For the big crying drama?

We can use that money, too.

Yes, but I haven't got the part yet.

But it is for six episodes.

I play the owner of a bookshop who's attacked by teenagers with a crowbar.

I know that's something I'd like to see.

Thank you.

And I promise I won't get too carried away. We'll keep it a simple celebration

with all the people we love.

Yes, spending time with the people we love is the most important thing.

Oh, look, there's Violet.

Quick, hide.

I hope she didn't see us. I don't want her to think we're terrible people.

I think she already knows that.

I'll invite her over for tea later.

We can have a proper chat.

Yes, or we can send her an email.

Oh.

Oh, hello, Violet.

We were just talking about you.

Oh, that's never good.

Hello, Vi.

I'd get up and give you a kiss, but you're all the way over there.

It seems so odd, but I could have sworn I saw you both on the street just now.

No, no, we've been in all morning, I'm afraid.

But you're wearing your coat.

Are you calling us liars?

No, I'm sorry. How horrid of me.

To be accused of lying and in our own home.

Don't push it, Freddie.

So... how the wedding plan's coming.

Tell me everything.

Do you remember your wedding?

Yes, of course.

Well, just think the opposite of that.

But my wedding was lovely. It was just everything that followed that was so

unpleasant.

Wasn't my wedding lovely, Freddy? It was shit.

But I looked fabulous, didn't I? Maybe don't ask any more questions, don't you?

Bye.

Oh, hello, Ash. How are you feeling?

Not so great.

I guess it'll take a while to get over being dumped by the love of my life.

Well, of course it will take a while, Ash. I'll give you one more hour.

So here we are, Ash.

Both of us newly single.

What do you suppose Faith is trying to tell us?

That you should close your legs.

I think we should both start dating again, don't you?

I already met somebody online who I think I can get really serious with.

Do you know anything about him?

I know he owns a computer.

At this point, that's enough.

I don't think I'll be ready to date again for a long time.

Well, I have some news that might cheer you up, Ash. How would you like to be my

best man?

I'd love to, Freddy.

Oh, would you? I couldn't tell because you didn't say how honoured you were.

And that I could have picked anyone, but I chose you.

I'm really honoured.

Well, then act like it.

I'm going to throw you a wicked stag do. We can have it in my flat. It's a

little small. I hope that's OK.

Yes, anything's fine. Just make certain it's one of the best nights of my life.

The stag do's for both of us, right, Ash?

Oh, I just thought... You just thought what?

That you were the woman.

And I suppose you have something to ask me, Stuart.

Do you mean why do you smell of alcohol at ten o 'clock in the morning?

Would I be your maid of honour?

Oh, I suppose so.

I'm really touched that you would ask me, darling.

You actually ask you.

I believe it's matron of honour, dear, or if there's anything older than

then it would be that.

Well, my, I shall need some help planning this wedding.

Well, I heard my ex -girlfriend Chloe is an event planner now. Maybe I can talk

to her and she'll give you a discount. That would be wonderful.

So far, all the money we have to spend is from Freddy's adult nappy commercial.

I wet myself at my grandson's birthday party.

I went method on that one.

any other acting jobs coming in? Well, if we're lucky, Freddy is going to get

attacked with a crowbar.

Fingers crossed.

Freddy!

Shouldn't you be leaving for your audition?

We really need you to get that job.

Yes, all right, all right.

I was doing my vocal exercises and a tooth came out.

I shoved a peppermint in there instead. Can you tell?

Not at all.

It actually looks better.

You should do them all like that.

Hi. You remember Chloe?

Of course, yes. How are you, dear?

I'm on three types of medication since the last time you saw me, so I'm really

fantastic. Good, because you were a real arsehole.

So, congratulations.

I hear you're in the market for a wedding planner.

What are you staring at?

Nothing. I just forgot how pretty you are.

Oh.

And I forgot how handsome you are.

Knock it off. Sorry.

Now, we're looking to keep this very simple.

Not that simple, Freddie.

It is our wedding, after all. Well, I just don't want you dipping into our

savings. We don't have any savings.

Oh, Christ. We're really living right on the edge, aren't we?

Please, sit.

Since Chloe's just starting out, she's willing to do you a deal on her fee.

Well, what if instead I were to give you access to some of my celebrity friends?

Helen, Benedict, Mags, Maggie Smith.

Judy Dench and I are very close. In fact, I'm just off to an audition now.

Do you know the television programme Broadchurch?

Yes.

Well, this is a complete rip -off of that.

So it's bound to be just as successful.

Wow. If I could plan events for celebrities, that would be amazing.

OK. Yes, I'll do it for free.

We might actually need a small fee from you as well, dear.

From me?

Really? Really.

We're helping you to establish your business.

Fair's fair.

I guess.

And remember, Ash, I don't want you to go to a lot of trouble for my stag do.

Everything is fine. I was thinking punch and mini sausage rolls.

Keep thinking.

I'm off. Don't wait up.

But it's only midday.

I'd still prefer if you weren't conscious when I returned.

Alastair. Freddie.

Malcolm. Freddie. Colin.

Freddie. Rowan. Freddie.

Trevor. Freddie.

I thought you were dead.

I'm not.

Who's the other cheerful?

Benjamin.

He's dead.

I knew it was one of us.

Firstly, I want you to know how happy I am that you're planning our wedding.

And how easy I'm going to be to work with.

So, let's start with a hug.

Thank you, that... Such a relief.

I drew up some ideas.

Just tell me what you think and we'll take it from there. That sounds

dear.

I hate everything.

Even the paper it's written on.

Oh, OK.

It would be perfect if we were planning a crap wedding.

Can I have another glass of water? I think I need to double up on my

Yes, that's a good idea.

You can take more than they tell you, you know.

Have another one.

Can you maybe give me an idea of what you do like?

Do you remember Princess Di's wedding?

I like that.

That's a bit tricky on this budget.

Fred has an audition that he's perfect for. And once he gets the job, he'll

lots more money to spend on the wedding.

That would be really helpful, because right now it's... a bit tight.

You might need more money from you, then.

Hello, Stuart.

I just brought you a little something for your wedding.

Thank you, Penelope. I'm just so happy for you. Hello, sweetheart.

She's a little young, though, isn't she?

I'm not marrying her. I'm marrying Freddie.

Oh, that's weird.

I don't think you'll want this. gift, then it's a negligee. No, that's fine.

Just let me say again what an honour it has been to perform for you gentlemen,

and that it would be a privilege to be brutalised by teenagers on Murder Town.

And I tip my cap, and I take my leave.

Goodbye, and thank you.

And as I said before, I'd be happy to do it again if you'd like to give me any

other direction.

Still no?

Wonderful. Well, then, I'm off. And, uh, thank you.

And goodbye.

Trevor? Ready.

Rowan? Ready. Colin? Ready.

Malcolm? Ready.

What happened to Alistair?

Jesus.

How long was I in there?

How the preparation's coming for Freddy's stag do.

Need any help?

That'd be great.

Oh, I was kind of banking on you saying no.

Let's forget I asked.

You know, I was thinking of inviting Leonard to the party.

Who's Leonard?

My online boyfriend.

It's getting quite serious.

He even confided in me that Leonard was a fake name.

What's his real name?

I've no idea.

I didn't want to push.

You know, I was thinking of asking my ex -girlfriend Chloe to come too.

Well, I guess we are both ready to be dating again.

Yeah. I guess so.

Look, there's Stuart!

Stuart!

Stuart, darling!

Why, look!

Ash! I didn't even see you both!

What a happy surprise!

I must have started running errands for the wedding.

I expect you must be pretty busy yourself with your maid -of -honour

I've had no time, darling.

I've been swamped helping Ash with the stag do.

Where's Chloe? I thought she was going to be with you all day.

Oh, she had to go and see her doctor.

Apparently, she's developed a nervous tick that she needs to have addressed.

Oh, look, there's Freddy.

I bet he's on the road.

Freddy. Freddy.

It's true.

Violet. Ash.

I didn't even see you all there. What a happy surprise.

Oh, shut up.

I knew we did it to them. I didn't know we did it to each other. That's what we

do.

There's Penelope.

Penelope! Penelope!

Bollocks.

Mini sausage roll.

Mini sausage roll.

Sorry, they're still kind of frozen.

Are you having a good time, Freddy?

Not yet, no.

I've added some fruit to the punch. I think it makes it a bit more festive.

Corpses would make it more festive.

Yeah, by the way, Chloe, this is what you should be doing, thinking of ways to

enhance all our wedding events.

Isn't that what we're paying you for?

I'm paying you?

I'm really pushed right up against you, Ash.

I don't even know where to put my hands.

Not there.

Your flat is so charming, Ash.

we've never been up here before.

It's not too small.

No, I think it's the perfect amount of space.

You've just trodden on my foot. Why are you always on top of me? We're all

crammed in this tin like sardines.

Where the bloody hell am I supposed to be? The ceiling?

Just so you know, if anyone exhales, I go right out of the window.

I was wondering if there was any word on the budget for the wedding. So far, we

can only afford a very limited guest list.

How limited?

Just the two of you.

Well, Freddie's about to book a big job. He had a brilliant audition, didn't

you, Freddie?

Oh, they're all brilliant. Anyway, I'm sure I'll get it.

Unless they want to go with a bigger name.

Which would be any other name.

Freddie.

I hope this isn't a bad time and there's no rush at all, but I was wondering

when I might be getting some of those celebrity contacts.

You're very aggressive and it's making me uncomfortable.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to eat an hors d 'oeuvre off the bed to

this evening even more depressing.

You OK?

Yes, yes, fine. I'm not stressed at all.

What happened there?

That? I've been pulling my hair out in clumps.

Is it really noticeable?

Maybe just that one bit where you can see head.

You're going to do a great job. I'm certain of it.

Thanks.

Oh, I forgot how good you felt.

Oh, I forgot how good you felt.

Knock it off. Sorry.

This is what I imagine it would look like living inside a pair of underpants.

Well, Jeremy, I see.

Well, I'm disappointed too.

I don't understand.

I gave the writer such insightful notes.

Are you certain you told them, if necessary, they could really hit me with

crowbar?

All right.

Thank you.

You've done such a lovely job on the party, Ash.

Thanks, Stuart.

I hate all this. Remember?

I want you thinking summer meets evil in war meets Paris in the 20s. Is that

clear? Um...

Oh, is it me? Am I not speaking English?

Sounds as if he's speaking bitch.

Yes, yes, it's clear.

I think I'll try the punch.

Needs a little something.

Getting closer.

Stuart!

Can I have a talk with you?

Oh, please tell me you want to leave.

No, it's not that, although I am having a horrible time. What is it?

Well, I... You've got the job!

Yes, I've got the job. Oh, marvellous!

Oh, Chloe dear, our budget's gone up.

So, now we can talk about the fireworks display and the Freddie and Stuart Ice

statue.

So, Ash, it seems like you and Chloe are getting quite close this evening.

I think I really like a Violet.

Then do something about it.

Soon, before Stuart kills her.

You're right, I will.

And what about you, Violet? I thought, um,

not Leonard was coming tonight.

He just texted me. He'll be here in a minute.

Isn't it wonderful?

Isn't what wonderful?

He's got a mobile phone.

Between that and a computer, I think I've really hit the jackpot this time.

Well, here's to us. Here's to us, darling.

One more?

Sure. Actually, why don't we use these?

Everybody to know that Freddy has landed a big role where he gets almost

battered to death by teenagers.

And I couldn't be prouder.

And now that we finally have the money for a proper wedding, Chloe, I want you

to move forward on the 50 white dubs and Shirley Bassey. Stop, stop. I didn't

get the role.

What? I didn't get the part.

Why would you lie to me?

Oh, I don't know.

because I knew how important it was to you. Of course it's important.

We need the money. All right, calm down.

Don't you tell me to calm down. I'm not the one who lied.

I only lied because you made it impossible for me to tell the truth.

make this my fault. You two remind me so much of these guys that live

downstairs.

Excuse me. Are you Violet? Yes.

I'm Andrew.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm waiting for Leonard.

And also Leonard.

Oh, how wonderful.

This is kind of an awkward moment.

I'll fill you in as we go along.

Since when have I made it so impossible for you to tell the truth? Since you

started getting so carried away with the wedding. I mean, how much are we

paying, Chloe?

Nothing. I had to borrow money to take this job and I still don't have any

celebrity contacts.

He doesn't know any celebrities.

Every single person he knows is in this room.

How dare you.

I have an angry voicemail message from Dame Judi Dench which makes to differ.

You sticky turd.

That's Freddy. He's a sweetie.

I'll introduce you later.

Perfect. Because you lied. Now we can't have a proper wedding.

Well, maybe that's not the worst thing in the world. You have to ruin

everything, Freddy. So, of course, you ruin this. Better watch what you're

saying, Stuart, or there's no going back. I think I know what I'm saying,

Freddy. This punch is really fucking strong.

I don't know why we're racing into this anyway.

How long have we even known each other?

How old is Moses?

I'm tired of this. I'm done with you. You miserable old shit.

That Stuart is a real puppet.

I'll introduce you later.

Good, so no wedding. No wedding.

Oh, thank God.

We're through, Freddy.

We're through, and I say we're through.

And I say we're through.

There really was no good time for introductions.

In my defence, that's the first party I've ever hosted.

Who wants to dance with me?

I will!

Now

it's

actually fun.

Morning. Morning, darling.