Original subtitles

Well, it's been a long time since we did that.

I wasn't sure if it all still worked.

But it did.

It's like riding a bike.

It's been left out in the rain for 20 years.

For a second there, I thought I killed you.

Freddie, remember, no mentioning the inheritance my mother left me.

It's the first time we've ever had any savings, and I want us to be able to

it for ourselves.

I'm broke, darling.

I've got nothing.

Oh, that's too bad.

So, what else is new?

Don't you want to know what happened?

Not really.

I lost everything in the divorce.

I don't understand. How did you lose everything in the divorce?

You were only married a few months.

Well, actually, he stole it all.

But this way sounds more sophisticated.

You pull through, dear. You always do. That's one of the things we love about

you. Any sane person with your life would have killed themselves long ago.

Thank you, Freddy, but I don't think I will pull through this time.

I've really found myself on the brink of financial ruin.

If only we could help.

But we can't.

And I would never ask you for anything.

I'm still so surprised, Stuart, that your mother left you nothing in her

No, not a penny.

Spent it all.

What on earth on?

The last time she bought a dress, Hitler was in power.

Who knows?

Cocaine?

Rent boys?

She always had a bit of a dark side.

Yes, I suppose.

Are those new dressing gowns you're both wearing?

No. Really? Are you quite certain?

Pure questions.

More make -up.

Hi.

Why are you dressed like that, dear?

Oh, it's for my new job. I'm a lollipop man.

Jesus.

Between this and all the three jobs, I should be able to make April's rent.

It's May.

Oh, God.

Is it?

Do you remember how attractive we used to think he was?

If only you and I could find a way to make some extra cash, darling.

You know what I've heard can be quite lucrative?

A sex tape.

Yeah, I don't think... No, I have my reservations, too.

But it's something we should consider.

Do you think we could make much money?

Only if people had to pay not to see it.

We hate to give you short shifts, but we booked MacArthur's today and then lunch

at the Savoy, so goodbye.

I should go anyway.

If I'm late, the kids sing.

Ash, ash, has a rash, of his stupid head in mash.

Wonderful.

It's so good to hear you're doing so well.

Come on, you two, get up.

Massages and lunch at the Savoy? That all sounds very expensive.

It's a present.

From whom?

Adi -dadi -badi -wop.

Who? I'm sorry, dear, the phone's ringing. I have to get it. I don't hear

Oh, it's so

nice to try something on and actually buy it.

instead of telling the salesman I've left my wallet at home and then crying

the toilet.

Once you have money, you really notice how revolting everyone who doesn't have

it is.

Let's just make sure we don't get too out of control with the spending. Yes,

you're right.

So, shall we have some tea and caviar?

Yes. Oh, I do hope that there's our likely Tiffany Waterbow.

I'll go.

It's probably the lobsters.

Oh, what do you two want?

Oh, yes, I am fine after my triple bypass.

Thank you so much for asking.

I thought that was next week. It was last week.

Apparently, I died for one minute on the table.

Well, you're alive now.

Is this the man you were telling me about, the one you said was a total

Yes.

It's a little foie gras to me. Oh, hello.

Hello.

Is that the other fuckwit? Yes.

We weren't expecting company. I suppose that's because we didn't invite anybody

over. What's all that?

Oh, it's just some tea and stale biscuits.

Good, I'm starving. Oh, aye.

Two waters and a menu when you get a chance.

Hello, darling. I was just... I was just stopping by to see if I could borrow

something. What?

A sofa and a television.

It seems mine weren't completely paid for.

Hello, Violet. Why don't you join us for tea? That sounds lovely.

You know everyone at this place.

I feel there's something I've been meaning to ask you, Mason.

You mean, how am I after my triple bypass?

No, that's not it.

What are all those shopping bags, Stuart?

Is that from Burberry?

No.

It said Sainsbury. Your eyes are going.

Maybe now is a good time for everyone to start gathering their things.

What the bloody hell happened to you?

I got into a bit of a scrape.

Some of those kids are real wankers.

All right.

Yeah.

Got one of them back big time.

But now I need to find another job.

Apparently you're not allowed to hit seven -year -olds, even if they hit you

first. Did you get a menu yet?

I should go upstairs and eat that half a banana. I was seven.

Yes, off you go.

Ash, don't leave.

We're all about to have tea.

Oh.

You know, sometimes Stuart and I would like to be alone.

Did any of you ever think of that? No.

So he's right. We're not here just to serve you people.

It's an awful attitude to have if you're running a restaurant.

Is that caviar on those biscuits, Stuart?

Since when can you afford caviar? No, that's not caviar.

I, um, I sneezed.

It's snot.

We don't want to keep you by. You probably want to get back home so you

on the floor and watch the wall.

Are those bowls of champagne over there? Why, do you want to use one to smash

over the head of a toddler?

There are lots of expensive things here lately, darling.

I don't understand what both of you are saying. We have told you already we do

not have any money.

I've got two dozen lobsters, Mr Bixby.

Lobsters? Shit! This is going to cost a fortune.

We're going through this money very quickly.

Balthazar's hair implants might have been one expense too many.

The nice thing about Penelope thinking this was a restaurant was that she paid

for her own lobster.

And she left me a good tip.

That makes me rather like her.

Freddie... I have a confession to make, and please don't be angry.

I've put money into both Violet's and Ash's bank accounts.

You did what?

Well, I know we said we'd just spend it on ourselves, but they're family.

I only gave them half, though. We still have half left.

No, we don't.

What do you mean?

I did the same thing.

So how much does that leave us?

Minus £200.

So I suppose we're broke again.

You know what doesn't cost anything.

We are newlyweds.

Freddie! The post's here! You've got lots of birthday cards.

God knows why.

Everybody always makes such a big deal out of my birthday.

You know, sometimes I wish I wasn't so beloved.

Like you.

I think you're really going to like my present this year. Really? And what did

you buy me with my money?

You always love my presents.

I'm always good at birthday presents, just as you were always good at being an

arsehole.

What's this?

Happy birthday, Freddy.

With love from the cast and crew of Downton Abbey.

Oh, that was nice of them to remember you.

But of course they remember me.

I did appear in two episodes. I was practically a series regular.

Counting the second episode?

And why wouldn't we?

Well, they only showed one of your arms.

Yes, but I was carrying oranges, and in the first episode it was potatoes.

An observant bureau could deduce who was attached to that arm.

Attached is a pretty strong word, considering it comes out of its socket

six times a day.

Why do I expect you to understand what it's like being on television?

The most exciting thing you do each day is pick up dog crap.

Watch it, Freddy.

If it wasn't your birthday, I'd kick you so hard in the balls right now.

Hello, darling. I just popped by to wish Freddy a happy birthday and to tell you

my news.

Oh, what news?

I'm a lesbian.

Oh, you can't be any worse at it than being a heterosexual.

That was my thinking, too.

And I've already met the most fantastic woman on the tube.

Do you mind if I bring Carlotta round tonight for your party, Freddy?

No, why not? We don't have any other entertainment planned.

You wouldn't happen to know what it is that lesbians do, would you? I don't.

Nor do I want to.

I... Hello, Ash.

Happy birthday, Freddy.

Thank you, Ash. Why are you dressed as a total flop?

For my new job. I'm a lifeguard.

Do I look OK?

I can't tell any more, darling, since I'm a lesbian now.

See? Nothing.

When did you become a lesbian?

What time is it?

If you want to borrow anything, Vi, most of Stuart's clothes are appropriate for

an ageing lesbian.

Hello, Mason.

Hello, darling.

I'm a lesbian.

Oh, splendid.

Have any of you seen Penelope? She seems to have disappeared.

No, we haven't seen her, but we'll call if we do.

Aren't you going to invite me in? Yeah, it's really full in here already.

Looking pretty good, Ash.

Thanks a lot.

Really appreciate that.

All eyes are on you when you're struck by that pool. You own that pool.

You're right. You're damn right I'm right.

You're a stud.

Can I have a cup of tea?

Not sure exactly.

I was out with Mason and then I was here.

Can I tell you a secret?

OK.

Sometimes I forget little things.

But I'd be horrified if anybody ever noticed.

Yeah, don't worry, I don't think they have. Well, that's because I usually do

pretty good job of covering it up.

Listen, Penelope, I'd really appreciate if you kept what you just heard just

between us. Of course, sweetheart. You know I think you're a love.

Thank you.

But that bloke you were talking to sounded like a real tosser.

Let's see, what shall we do next?

How about a toast to Freddy?

Are there any other choices?

I'd like to make a toast.

What the hell is this going to be?

To our dear Freddy, a wonderful actor and even better friend. Happy birthday.

Oh, that was normal.

Wait till you see my present.

Stuart always gives Freddy the most incredible gifts.

Do you know how much I love you, babe?

You?

You better take care of my girl, or you'll have to answer to me.

I am a lifeguard, so... So?

Who is this little twerp?

Just someone I used to shag.

You know, I'm not sure how I feel about sharing you, Violet.

away from her.

Thank you, darling.

You are getting rather aggressive.

Ash, get up. Stop drawing attention to yourself.

Where's the hot stud now, eh?

Strutting round the pool all eyes on you. You should have heard him going on

before. You'd think the sun shone out of his arse.

It was tickling.

I'll go get your present now.

Ash, would you pass me that large card over there?

That hurt.

Oh, it's from the cast and crew of Downton Abbey. I was just about to tell

not to read it. Now everybody knows I am completely mortified.

They sent you a card for being on the show once. I was on the show twice. I

practically a series regular. Oh, yes, the oranges.

How could I forget?

Didn't your arm get nominated for a BAFTA?

Don't be such a dick.

Here it is.

Happy birthday, Freddy.

It's a photo album.

Oh, not any photo album. Each page is a photo of every birthday of yours that we

spent together.

I see. So, if I flip through this really fast, I can age 50 years in three

seconds.

How charming.

Oh, Stuart, what a thoughtful presence.

We should do something like that, babe.

Well, we've only known each other two hours, but all right, don't we?

The last page is blank. Yeah, well, that's for today. I want to get a

all of us together to put there.

He was somewhere.

He'll never leave me.

It's honour, darling.

Would you mind terribly popping out and getting me some ciggies?

I'm on it, babe.

You stay away from her or I'll rip your tiny arms off.

Okay.

Okay.

Like I'm scared of her.

Is she still there?

You're not such a big man without your mirror, are you?

Well, I think it's finally over with Carlotta.

I tried, but something's missing.

A penis?

I think she has one of those.

At least you gave it a good go.

Come on, let's all gather round for a photo.

Mason, why don't you take the picture?

But if I take the picture, then I won't be in it. That's OK.

You all look like shit.

Well, what do you think of my present?

It's very nice. On a scale of one... to ten? Oh, I don't know. If you had to

pick. But I don't have to pick. Oh, I don't like where this is heading. I do.

Come on, pick!

Three, four, some are in there.

Ash, what's your drink? It's very close to my Downton Abbey birthday card.

Maggie Smith picked that out for me.

Probably.

I spent months on that present.

All you can do is talk about that stupid card. I don't understand.

You always love... I love my presents. No, you always love your presents. Then

why have you always acted like you did?

Oh, I don't know. I suppose because I can see how much it means to you.

I think that could be the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.

Two men kissing.

It's unnatural.

But Mason, aren't you gay?

What's your point? Nothing.

Shall we have cake now?

I hope someone started lighting the candles yesterday.

That was nasty.

Sorry, I'm not having a great day.

Nobody answer that.

I've got you smoked, babe.

Babe?

How long are we going to stay like this?

As long as we have to.

Well, that was a wonderful evening.

Thank you for a lovely birthday, Stuart.

Edvine. Yes?

Why are you still here?

I'm giving Carlotta the evening to move her things out.

She was living with you.

Lesbians move quickly, darling.

Well, I'm going to turn in.

Night, all.

Good night, Balthazar.

Oh, and, Stuart, would you take my card to be framed tomorrow?

I want to hang it where I can see it every day.

Of course.

Well, I guess it turns out you don't get Freddy the perfect gift after all.

Oh, yes, I do.

I sent him that card.

I was thinking of getting a facelift.

What do you think, my lad? That's not my cup of tea.

Oh, well, excuse me.

For wanting to improve myself.

If anybody's going to get a facelift around here, it should be you.

I meant that's not my cup of tea, that is.

Oh.

You look great, by the way.

Oh, I'm worried about Balthazar.

He just sneezed and three teeth fell out.

That's perfectly normal. I did the same thing yesterday.

Do you know, boys, I was considering taking a trip to Italy.

What do you think?

Now's not a good time, Violet. There's so much coming up. Like what?

Well, I can't think of anything at the moment.

I need you for something.

Well, thanks for asking, Vi, but we prefer you to stay in town.

We'll check our diary and get back to you.

Oh, all right.

Hi. Hello.

I've got some really big news.

Oh, come in.

Sit down.

Can I get you a drink? We have water or tea?

Actually, only tea. The tap's just broken.

That's empty.

We have nothing.

I'm good, thanks.

So what's your news, darling?

I'm going to university.

Oh, that is fantastic.

Congratulations, Ash. I was wondering when you were going to do something with

your life.

I didn't want you to end up like... Please

tell me you're having a stroke.

I could even help you with your homework, darling. I've always been very

math.

That's the one with all the numbers, right?

Actually, I won't be going to uni nearby.

What do you mean?

Well, you remember how both my parents are in prison.

We remember.

That is something that tends to stick with you.

Well, I applied for a grant in this case, and I got it.

Apparently, I qualify as a special needs case because both my parents are

incarcerated for violent crimes. Isn't that great?

States? The United States?

That place over there?

Yeah. But it's filled with Americans.

I dated one once.

They can be quite peculiar.

They actually have sex. Sober.

I applied ages ago. I didn't even think I was going to get it, but... Luckily,

both my parents were selling sentences for manslaughter, so that helped a lot.

Where's the university, darling?

It's in New York. New York?

When I forget, is that supposed to have the best of the Americans or the worst?

I think both.

And the grant is for all four years. Four years?

Oh, I see.

If that's what you want to do.

Yes. It's your decision.

It's nothing to do with us.

I mean, I'm not definitely taking it yet. Oh, so it's not definite, then?

Well, no, I guess. You do whatever you want. It's really none of our business.

We're actually pretty busy today, so... Oh.

OK. I should go anyway.

Congratulations again, Ash.

Thanks, Violet.

You don't suppose he's ever given his parents our address, do you?

If he has, we're as good as dead.

Mum, sorry, I can't hear you. There's a lot of screaming in the background.

Is there a prison riot going on?

Oh, somebody's brought in some free chicken from KFC.

No, no, no, you go.

Enjoy.

I'll talk to you next month.

Violet. Hello, darling.

Come in. Sit.

Can I get you a drink?

I won't if you're having one.

Otherwise, nothing for me.

I'm not.

Oh, I still want one.

Darling, there's something I want to talk to you about.

This is about New York, isn't it?

Yeah.

Why is the bottle all the way over there?

Don't worry.

I've decided I'm not going.

What do you mean?

Well, that's not how... Both bottles, no?

Freddie and Stuart reacted when they found out how far away I was going to

and I... I realised I couldn't leave them.

Oh, Ash.

I wanted to be there for them, but... Besides, it was stupid to think that I

could make a life for myself in New York.

No, it wasn't.

But I thought you wanted to talk to me to get me to stay.

Quite the opposite.

I'm here to make sure you go.

I don't understand.

Listen, darling.

Don't you know how special you are?

No.

Nobody's ever said that I was special before.

Oh, but you are, Ash.

That's why we all love you so much.

That's why Freddie and Stuart don't want you to leave.

They want to keep the things they love the most closest to them.

That's why I've never moved further than a few streets away.

In over 50 years.

And I don't want you to end up like that.

Maybe I don't want to go.

Maybe I want to stay here with all of you. No, you can't stay with us.

You have your whole life waiting for you.

Oh, you're going to be something so marvellous, Ash.

Promise me you'll go.

You must promise me.

Sorry.

Good.

Very good.

Now, shall we get blind drunk?

Let's see. I packed him extra socks, a thick jumper because it gets cold over

there, and I baked him his favourite biscuits for the plane.

Perfect.

This way he can use them as weapons if he gets mugged.

Did you hide the extra cash in there for him, Stuart? Yes, I did. And the scarf

I knitted?

You only gave me a ball of wool.

I kept meaning to get round to it.

I don't know why you're both dithering about like two monkeys on crack.

Ash is moving.

It's not that big a deal. Oh, Freddie.

That's him.

Freddie, you know it's all right to... Bye.

Hi. Hello, Ash.

Hi, Freddie.

Hello.

All set, darling?

I think so.

Come, sit, have some tea.

I don't think I've got time. My flight leaves in a few hours.

Ah.

Well, we've...

packed you a small bag with some of the things we thought you might need, didn't

we, Freddie?

You didn't have to do that.

And I knitted you a scarf.

Oh, let me take a look at it. Oh, look at it in New York.

Well... OK, goodbye.

Violet, I don't know... Oh, come now.

see each other all the time.

Yeah.

I'll go to America.

You'll come visit.

It'll be just like always.

Right. So it's not really goodbye at all, is it?

No, I guess not.

Of course not.

Goodbye.

Have you got your passport?

And your tickets.

And papers for the university.

And you... Yes.

I've got everything.

Thank you, Stuart.

Ready?

Best of luck, Ash.

Well, that's it.

I'll see you soon, darling.

It'll be like you never left.

Yeah.

Like I never left.

What now?

I don't know about you two, but...

I've decided to go to Italy.

Oh?

Well, I'm glad.

Well, now that that's all over, it shall be...

Well? Ready!

How is it your voice is getting higher pitched?

Soon only dogs will be able to hear it.

I see you took your fucking bitch pills before going to school.

I'm sorry.

This Christmas radio drama I'm recording today with Dame Eileen Atkins has got

my nerves a bit frayed.

She has done so many extraordinary things.

None of which I can think of at the moment.

But of course you're nervous. You did get the part at the very last minute.

I found out from my agent that was... Because I wasn't their first choice.

You were their second choice.

Third.

36th.

I didn't even think there were 35 actors of your age still alive.

There aren't. Most of them turned it down because they're dead.

Hello, darling.

I've been out Christmas shopping all day.

Oh, who are all the peasants for?

Me.

Hello, Vi. You look... Hello, Vi.

So, darling, a radio drama with Eileen Atkins for Christmas. How thrilling.

What's the role?

An old man who has never made much of his life.

I didn't have to look far for inspiration.

He was their 36th choice.

So who's Eileen Atkin to play?

I don't know. I've just read my part.

Hi.

Hello. Can I help you?

I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Oliver. I'm renting the flat upstairs.

I'm Stuart. This is my husband, Freddie, and this is our friend, Violet. Hello,

darling.

Would you... Oh.

Pleasure meeting you. Thanks for stopping by, Oliver.

Oh, he seemed nice.

Yes.

I should be off.

Don't want to keep the day in waiting.

You know, I'm going to take my Downton Abbey blister card to show her.

Let her know that I'm somebody too.

Sometimes he breaks my heart.

My, you certainly love your rocking chair, Rosemary.

I do, Albert.

Almost as much as our cat.

Eddie?

I got so emotional, I knocked the vase that was on this table over.

That's what that sound was.

Open the door and see who it is.

Oh, Albert.

It's Lucas, our son, whom we haven't seen in years.

Lucas.

Give your mother a kiss.

I'm so happy, Albert. Listen.

Do you hear the church bells?

And they're playing.

Our son comes home.

It was all rather convincing.

As if we were there in the room with you.

Whether we wanted to be or not.

Yes, well done.

Now I'm about to cough.

That was the sound you just heard.

I must need glasses because I couldn't see a thing.

It sounded lovely.

I must check on dinner.

Oh, just so you all know, we had lots of yogurt that expired. tomorrow, so

that's going to be featured heavily.

Everything here is terrible.

There you go.

Merry Christmas, Balthazar.

Need any help, darling?

Oh, that would be terrific.

What is it you'd like to do?

Watch.

Fine.

Oh, that is adorable.

Are you certain he's still alive?

Not 100%. I thought I told you never to leave me alone with my

brother and that loony.

Sorry, you're divorced and have nobody this Christmas by.

Well, I have both of you.

And it's kind of like the three of us are married anyway.

No, it's not.

Nathan? Yes?

Is it Christmas?

Yes. I remember because my son called me. How lovely. Yes, he always calls me

Christmas Eve.

My memory hasn't been... well, you know.

Can I tell you something?

Certainly you can.

I'm frightened.

I'm here, my dear.

Don't worry.

Thank you.

Well, Stuart has almost finished murdering dinner.

What have you two been talking about?

What a marvellous time we've been having. Yes. Are you all right,

I'm wonderful, Violet. I've always loved Christmas. So have I.

Mason, do you remember when our mother used to sing carols to us?

Of course.

She had a beautiful voice.

Oh, yes.

And then she beat us.

She was a monster.

I really hope everybody likes yoghurt.

Who can that be?

Well, if it's someone collecting for charity, politely tell them to piss off.

Hi. Oh, hello, Oliver.

I just stopped by to wish you both a Merry Christmas.

Please, come in.

If you're sure it's all right. Of course.

You know Freddie, and this is Penelope and Mason.

Hello, sweetheart.

Hello. And you remember our friend Violet? Hello, darling.

Hi.

Well, join us.

Your hands on my thigh.

Is it?

Can I get you a drink?

I'm okay, thank you.

Silence! Oh, sorry.

I don't mean to... there but are you freddie thornhill from doctor who

guilty

as charged oliver

here i am just spending a quiet christmas with my family and

well i guess i've been discovered

By the one person who's ever recognised you.

I am a massive fan, but you must get that all the time.

I do.

But how kind of you to say.

So, you must tell us all about yourself, Oliver.

We want to know everything.

Merry Christmas, Balthazar.

Stuart, stop snoring.

That's not me.

Sorry, darling.

Jesus, I'd forgotten she was here.

See?

It is a little like we're all married.

You have to... to stop saying that.

Stress.

Yes.

so happy.