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Oh, hello there.

It's my absolute pleasure to welcome you

to the leafy North London suburb of Muswell Hill,

a pretty unremarkable place for the most part,

were it not for its curious inhabitants,

people of imagination and ingenuity

with a love of the past

and an unshakeable belief in the future.

But this little world was changed forever

by a sequence of extraordinary events.

And it all started six years ago

on a mews behind the high street

ah, yes, that one,

at this vintage shop,

run by best friends Ruth and Megan,

but I'll let them explain.

Uh, we sell vintage and, I, I don't really like

the word retro, but people like to say it.

But we just basically sell anything

that we can get our hands on, really, that's from the past.

There's no kind of particular period we stock and sell.

It's just anything that catches our eye.

So like, we'll put '50s, and '70s, and '80s together.

Business has really picked up lately.

Yeah, I think it was about, probably about a month ago.

- Yeah. - We found this thing outside.

It was literally by the bins.

We weren't sure whether to take it or not

'cause it just looked like some kind

of school project or something.

But we were just drawn to it, so we kind of dragged it in.

Yeah, and then I guess we were just messing about and...

And I went to 1945.

The machine enables us to go to that point in time.

So basically, to get from A, which is here, to go to B,

which is 1959, we put it in the machine,

and then it's like this vortex, this portal to--

It's undescribable, really.

Yeah.

- System? - Check.

And destination?

- Check. - And fuel cell one.

We're not kind of scientifically minded.

So I mean, I, I say it's a wormhole,

but I actually don't know what a wormhole is.

Maybe they've got some pewter.

-Oh. -People like pewter.

Since we found the machine,

we can pretty much get anything we want.

Wow.

Mm, the ceramics are quite good.

Ceramics.

Uh, and, uh, metalware always does quite well.

Uh, I mean, like, if somebody wanted, like,

a car from the '50s, that would be difficult.

We've never brought anything that big back.

But it's great for our business

because you know, we do clothing, homeware

You know, it, it's, it's portable stuff.

I don't think it's stealing.

I mean, because we don't stick around long enough

to know what happens afterwards,

I kind of, in my head, just imagine

that those things just reappear for those people.

Come on. Go, go, go.

The whole process has cut costs right down

because it's, it's a lot cheaper in the past.

Well it's free.

I mean, yeah, sometimes

we, we, we do take quite a lot of stuff.

We have got a storage issue now.

Yeah, upstairs is quite jam packed.

Mm.

We're, we're trying to get it sorted.

We just need to get more space.

It's just hard to sometimes hold back

because there's just so much good stuff.

Like, the other day, there was something at the back,

and I couldn't get it, so we just--

Went and got another one.

Went in the machine and just got it again.

We got a cat once, actually.

It sort of didn't stay in the machine,

which was really, it was quite sad.

Yeah, harrowing.

The machine's our secret, really.

Yeah, no one knows it's here.

Mm.

And no one knows we're using it.

Mm.

Apart from you guys, obviously.

Mm.

I think people just, uh,

they, they hanker for things they had,

and they, they have this nostalgia and--

You just can't put a price on nostalgia.

No. We, we do, though.

Yeah, we do.

-Pays the rent. -Yeah.

Uh, we, we sort of take care

of different sides of the business each.

So I guess you take care of all the customers, really.

They seem to really like Megan.

-Mm. - She's very good with people.

They just love me.

And I do like more the admin jobs,

like, um, paying bills, um--

Bookkeeping.

- Yeah, a bit of cleaning. - Yeah.

Could you, could you turn it off?

Yeah.

Yeah, so it's, um, it's measured by light years per year

at the precessing longitude of the progressive node.

Mm, and that's how you turn it on.

Uh, no, that's how you turn it on.

I know, I know, but that is, we do press that one.

That's, like, the seat adjustment.

Yeah, 'cause sometimes it's too,

it's a little bit low.

I do most of the driving.

Um--

You do all of the driving.

- I do all of the driving. - I'm fine with that.

I haven't got any problems with it.

I'm not even--

It's, Ruth gets quite anxious driving.

I'm quite anxious about a lot of things,

but mainly just the, all this is quite, like--

- Overwhelming. - Yeah.

Meegs, I don't think, I don't actually think

you should be doing this.

I think, fuck, fuck, fuck, it's on fire.

- Oh. - Meegs, it's on fire.

Uh, uh, spray then.

Can you just take that bit off, and then I can just do it?

'Cause it's equal.

It's still equal parts--

- Yeah, no, we all do-- - 'Cause I do--

We all do our bit.

Uh, been friends for a long time.

Uh, I just don't really like the term best friend.

We're definitely best friends.

- Um-- - Definitely.

Found all these tapes with the time machine.

They're of this old science show, totally hooked now.

Hello there, I'm Dr. Ralph Sheldrake.

And I'm Botty.

And welcome to "The Future, Today."

Today.

With the rapid advancement in artificial intelligence,

what we really want to know is, will computers ever be able

to destroy humans...

...at chess?

Your move.

What?

I think that's checkmate, mate.

It seems Botty still has a long way to go.

Uh, so we've got, we've come to America.

The Wild West. We've never been before.

I think a lot of the stuff here is handmade.

- Yeah, it's just really-- - Oh, that's nice.

Oh, hello.

It's nice, but there is a bit of a weird vibe, though.

There's a lot of toxic--

- Yeah. - Masculinity, I'd say.

Yeah.

Not somewhere that I would wanna--

Oh, it's kicking off.

He just shot him.

That's weird. Is he all right?

Surely there's better ways to resolve conflict.

Wow.

Do we, do we, should tell someone or?

Look at this. It's actually been hand-stitched.

Beautiful.

Um, I mean, the thing is, in Muswell Hill,

you get a lot of vegans, so I don't know

if they're gonna be into the leather,

but we could try sell it to, to people in Wood Green?

Um, but yeah, I mean...

- Shit. - That's bad.

That's, oh--

What a waste of life.

Did, did he, did he get the hat?

I think we can just take that because that'll just get,

you could probably get that dry cleaned.

I don't think there's blood on it.

-So what do you reckon? - I don't know how it's gonna--

Shh, Ruth, I'm talking to Dave. Dave?

It's a bit small, mate.

It's not small. It's, it's compact. It's modern.

It's luxury.

Yeah, so, um, I've been in the property development game

for the past four years now.

And key thing, must have vision.

I mean, imagine what this place would look like

without all this shit in here.

- Ruth. -Mm-hmm.

Move your head. I'm taking pictures.

You're spoiling it. You need luxury flats.

What you don't need are charity shops.

- It's not a charity shop. - Well it smells like one.

Hold that. Go to the back.

Go to the back and bring, over there.

Higher, Ruth.

Hold it up higher, Ruth.

My arms hurt.

Let go.

Where's that lovely Megan?

Uh, Megan is not here.

Oh, that's a shame.

She's the better one.

Rent.

I've got it all ready.

That's for you.

Bloody hell, where'd you get that from?

Did you rob a bank?

No, not a bank.

Lovely to see you.

Yeah.

-Ciao, ciao. -Bye, Rick.

Should I just put the ladder away?

Ciao, ciao.

-Is he gone? - Yeah, he's gone.

Oh, what a dick.

Coulda helped me.

Rick's kinda your department, you know, complaints, refunds.

Ah, Brenda, I've got that, um, antique letter opener

you were after.

Oh, never mind that anymore.

Um, listen, I've got just a thing for you.

Just not really buying anything at the moment, Brenda.

No, it's not for the shop.

It's for you.

Look at this. Look at this.

I mean, look, it's too young for Ruth and me,

but it would be absolutely perfect for you.

We're the same age.

I'm just, I just don't need anything, Brenda.

But it's great. It's great, but--

So, you know.

Can I help you?

Yes, I think you might be able to help, actually.

I'm very interested in, uh, where you get all these things.

Yeah, I mean it's, it's a bit of a trade secret,

to be honest, but we--

For 50 pence. 50 pence.

I don't want this.

No, well, I mean I spend a lot of my life in charity shops.

Oh, this isn't a charity shop.

Bric-a-brac stores, you know, full of rubbish.

Yeah, yeah. It's vintage actually.

- Uh. - But yeah.

But this, to my untutored eye, they seem obviously old

but also somehow new.

Okay, I'm losing money here.

One might almost say.

It's called dead stock, I think.

- That's what-- -Pardon?

Dead stock.

Brenda, I don't want it.

This really should be in the British Museum.

I know. It's amazing, isn't it?

We actually got it directly from Egypt.

Yeah, hi, are you actually interested in anything?

Yes, yes.

I have actually seen things I'm interested in.

Oh, sorry, we're not actually buying at the moment.

And we haven't really got the budget.

Why did you...

Must be hot.

If you're serious about vintage, come to Cha Cha Cha.

If it's '50s, '60s, '70s, '90s.

-'80s. -'90s.

We've got it all.

We mix periods.

Hello, Cha Cha Cha.

Yeah, our kind and courteous staff are on hand

to help you find any items from the past.

Um, we use cutting-edge techniques

and an expert knowledge of history.

No job's too small.

Sorry, none of these fucking pens work, Megan.

What the?

Cha Cha Cha.

Ralph, what have you got to say?

Well, yes, that is my time machine.

Mm.

But, but I destroyed it over 20 years ago.

Excuse me, Martin.

Is this a social meeting?

No, it's a meeting.

Well, you didn't send me an agenda,

so I didn't send one out.

No one knows the time or place of the meeting.

Well, yeah, except everyone's here,

and I'm explaining the agenda now.

Okay, but just, you wanna let me know

what the objectives of the meeting--

Oh, come on. Go take a hike.

Ralph has cocked up big time.

Now, I don't know, uh, who these two women are.

They're obviously bloody idiots, but they have got it.

It, it definitely doesn't work,

and it definitely doesn't go back in time.

Really, Ralph.

Stolen, purloined, thieved, nabbed from the past.

It's not possible.

I mean, this is really dangerous.

You are not wrong, Ralph.

This is a serious breach of our secrecy policy and this.

No, no, no, no.

I got rid of it because it lands you-- in the--

Okay, so-- one dash two, paragraph three, secrecy.

If unanimously agreed by members, the perpetrator,

that's Ralph, uh, shall be expelled from the society

and their research confiscated.

That means we take the time machine.

- It becomes mine. -Expulsion?

- Well the societies obviously. - Isn't that a bit harsh?

I mean, Ralph didn't know

these two idiots would find his machine.

You've already thrown out all of my friends.

Ralph's the only one left.

I'm your friend, Val.

Ralph, your time machine is in the hands of two

of the most stupid, most ignorant,

low-intelligence people in Muswell Hill.

What is this?

Is it, like, some sort of club?

No, it's not a club. It's a society.

The Technology Engineering Scientific Thought

and Innovation Society

was founded by Valerie Lancaster

and Ralph Sheldrake at the turn of the millennium

as a forum for local inventors to share their ideas.

In 2008, Martin Onions joined.

He quickly assumed control.

The committee also includes Peter Kiddler

and Secretary Alex Lemin.

The society has many rules,

the most important of which is secrecy.

I mean, do you not remember the society motto?

Well, it's inserere hic sententiam, inventing in secret.

It actually means, insert motto here,

a misunderstanding of the badge design website.

I mean, what do you think would happen,

I mean, if all the inventions got out there?

Well, I mean, it would probably be a much--

No, I, I'm, I haven't finished, Val.

If the government come knocking on that door--

I'm locking up.

To take your valuable work, that's the end of all this fun.

Secrecy is key.

You are never to use that machine again.

It's very important.

It's damaged in a way you wouldn't understand.

What, what, what's the problem with it?

I had a bad experience.

Okay, until we find a safe and secure location

for the machine, I think you two should attend

these meetings once a week.

- I can't do that. - What?

- I've got other commitments. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You might even learn a, a little bit

about the rudiments of science, not that Ralph's old TV show

hasn't furnished you with a formidable education.

- It was a good show, so-- - Oh, my God, it's Dr. Sheldrake.

"The Future, Today."

- Do you live in Muswell Hill? - We watch all your shows.

- We've got them on tape. - Oh, my God, love you.

Really enjoy them.

So all those in favour of giving Ralph another chance.

Oh.

And, um, giving honorary membership

to Ruth and Megan for the, for the time being.

- My job, my job, Alex. -Oh.

My job, Val.

Right, so all those in favour say aye.

Aye.

- Motion passed. -Thank you.

Oh, shit.

I think we should all start taking

this place more seriously.

Martin?

Shall I put this in the minutes, Martin?

'Cause it, it sounded like it was to yourself

but it, it could have also not been to yourself

So I'm just, I'm not exactly sure

I'm recording everything,

but I don't have to be recording anything.

I could just, I could just, I could focus on the loud stuff

as opposed to some of the more quieter stuff.

If I go open paragraph, that's the loud stuff.

Great, can we go now?

You can go when I've sworn you in as a member.

You're a member.

Yes, I, I'm a member, yes.

- Yeah, we're all members. - Yeah. Big one.

You're not a member yet till I've sworn you in as a member,

but that's how it works in this society.

All right?

- Oh, my God, that looks amazing. - I mean, why the fuck?

Rocket boots.

Um.

Right, so Peter is gonna show us his boots.

There is a pyrotechnical element to his footwear,

so I think safety first.

- That's one of my mantra. -Motto.

So we're in the science club now.

They took our details.

I fake numbered them.

- Oh, I gave 'em your number. - Oh, what?

- I don't know my number. - What's the point of that?

- I don't know my number. - Hi, I'm just wondering.

-Hi. -Mr. Sheldrake, hi.

I'm wondering if I could come over and inspect the machine.

Oh, my God, yes. Anytime.

Amazing.

Give me, like--

Could I get your autograph? Like, is that okay?

I know that's a bit weird thing to say.

Come along, come along. Gather around.

Nearly, ready.

No, uh, no, no, no, no.

No, get off me.

- Get it off me. -Have you got a Meegs.

Why no one helping me?

- Has anyone got a pen? -It's not safe.

Get it off me.

No, no.

Valerie and I, we met on the show,

and we thought it'd be fun

to share ideas with like-minded people.

So we set up a club.

Then, one night,

- Martin shows up. -Help me.

Before you know it, he installs himself as,

as chairman.

Valerie blames herself for losing control, yeah.

But Martin is unstoppable.

There appears to be a slight fire.

Point and relax.

You realize you're very lucky.

Time travel is dangerous.

The entire universe is held in thin strands of a--

Yeah, of course, of course.

It's hot.

Ralph gave us his autograph.

Look.

What does it say?

It says, it says Ralph Sheldrake.

That's his name.

Oh, it says, it says time travel is dangerous or something.

Something about--

- Danger. - Danger.

Two significant things have changed since the beginning

of the month.

For starters, rain has arrived,

unusual for this time of the year,

and we have seen some weird

in the cloud patterns as of recently.

- Where have you been? -Got dinner.

Lower pressure circling London, so do watch out

for those dark clouds and those high winds

if you're planning on going out.

Where did you get that?

Well, I didn't get it from China if that's what you mean.

Megan, Pat's Choi shut down about three years ago.

They just don't make it this tasty anymore.

I just don't think we should be using the machine

to do this kinda thing anymore, you know?

Like, I just keep thinking about what Dr. Sheldrake said

and, like, how it's really dangerous,

and, like, what if that's

why I'm getting all these headaches, and nosebleeds,

and, like, why I'm being sick all the time.

Well, to be fair, you are a bit of a hypochondriac.

I just feel like we need to try and stop.

Well, where do you suggest we find all of these, like,

authentic historical objects d'art then?

We could go to charity shops again or bin diving.

Are you joking?

Well, but we did it before.

Like, you can't run a vintage shop

without a time machine these days, Ruth.

The other day, I went to the toilet,

and I did the weirdest poo, like, almost had,

like, tones of blue in it.

Like, I've never seen anything like it.

I was gonna call you and show you, but I don't know.

All these things have been happening to me.

I kinda feel like maybe it's related.

It's not something that we've, we, we're, we're,

we're clued up about and are scientists,

and they're telling us to stop doing it.

So we need to stop doing it.

I don't wanna risk my health for something, you know.

Mm. Yeah.

I wanna try a different way.

Sure, okay, we'll do it your way.

Don't how that's gonna work out, but yeah.

So we'll just, we're not gonna time travel anymore.

Yeah, we'll, we'll find our stuff in bins.

Well, I just feel like we could at least--

I just don't wanna talk about time travel anymore, okay?

Okay, God.

Did you know that time travel is actually possible?

Did you know that, Botty?

Yes, I did know that.

Well, that's because we all travel forward in time.

Yeah, I even knew you were going to say that.

And with us today is Professor Valerie Lancaster.

Hi, Valerie.

Hi, Valerie.

Welcome to "The Future, Today."

- Hello, Ralph. - Hello, Botty. I mean--

-So Valerie-- - What, am I invisible or what?

What can you tell us about time travel in the real world?

Amazingly enough, calculations by physicists show

that we can travel backwards in time as well as forwards.

So, in theory, you could make a time machine.

Unfortunately not, this is all theoretical.

Um, time travel is completely impossible.

Yes.

I mean, near a wormhole,

all the laws of physics are warped.

Who are you to say what's possible?

Well, if a time machine had been invented,

then surely, time travellers

from the future would've come back to visit us.

She's got you there.

-How's she got me? - Yeah.

Thank you for visiting, Valerie.

I said, how has she got me?

Thank you, Ralph.

- Cheers - And, uh--

I said, how's she got me?

- Next, on "The Future, Today." -How's she got me?

No, no, that's not for sale.

I don't understand.

No, but it's our,

it's the Hoover that we used to clean the shop.

Ah, that's disappointing.

This used to be my favourite charity shop.

Ah, fuck.

What is it?

- Final demand. - Shit.

Final demand.

Oh, fuck.

- What is it? - What do they want?

Hi, everyone, I'm Max.

Let me tell you about my invention.

I call it the resizer.

This was a chair.

Invisibility is a, is a, something

that a lotta people could find useful in their daily lives.

You could listen in and find out

what people honestly think about you.

I call this the hat controller.

It is designed to make the wearer do things

that they don't want to do.

Would you like to have a go?

It's a dream recorder.

And now, we should be recording.

Oh, hang on.

I'm over here, but you can't see me.

I'm throwing my voice so you don't know where I am.

Is I can use it to communicate with fish.

A robot dentist.

Now, you don't wanna check the fridge,

and you want to see if there's

something gone off in the fridge.

It is, it's obviously, um, whoops.

It's in its teething stages, you know, really.

- Um. - Point, push the button.

Point, push the button, very simple.

It's just not working.

Max is here.

Get rid of him, charlatan.

You're not in the club anymore. You're not a member.

- We're just gonna-- - Really, I'm telling the truth.

Clear the, the sofa, obviously, a doll's house.

There's a, there's a--

We're going through the bins trying to find stock.

Trying to find things that we can sell.

Mm.

Oh, look, Meegs, that's quite nice.

Is that Royal Doulton?

- Put a plant in it. - Put a plant in it.

That's nice for kids, though, to do something plain,

and they can write their name on it or--

-Mm, mm. - But that's quite nice.

Um, I mean, it's not ideal, to be honest.

- It's not really what-- - It's shit, Ruth.

It's not really what we wanna be doing.

- But it's a way to-- - Shit.

It's a way to make ends meet.

I don't really, we can't use the machine, so.

- I could tape it there. -Yeah.

I don't think I could actually do that 'cause it's got,

in my mind, these very much go together as a pair.

Ruth, found the other shoe.

Oh, brilliant, that's great.

They're actually really nice.

No laces, but here's the other one.

That just needs a new wire and a bulb,

and, uh, maybe take the rust.

-So-- - Look at that.

That's a bottle of piss.

We've done quite well today.

-We've done really well. - What'd you get?

Oh, shit.

Well.

Just, just leave the tea pot.

Leave the tea pot.

I don't know. I think you can still fix it.

-Oh, there's a poo there. -Oh, no.

That's a, that is not a dog poo either.

I mean, genuine vintage toy that, um.

What about this vintage grill?

It's got, um, beautiful patina, um, and airflow control and,

oh, my God, there goes another customer.

These are my predicto goggles.

They allow the wearer to see about a minute

into the future, give or take.

Um, maybe I could have a volunteer to help me.

Anyone, anyone?

Any volunteers?

Anyone at all?

Yes, please, Ruth, up you come.

Up you pop, Ruth.

Fuck's sake.

My lovely, glamorous assistant will put these on.

Yeah, you're putting them on.

There you go.

What can you see, Ruth?

Whoa.

I don't really see the point of these, to be honest.

What, what's, what am I supposed to be looking at?

It's just all the same.

Oh, you're holding your face.

Are they frozen?

-Actually-- - I think they're broken.

They must have gone wrong.

- Now, give it-- - I think they're working.

Look, look, you just need to turn it off.

Turn it back on again, okay?

Peter, I'm looking at them.

You don't, they're my goggles.

- Why have you got-- - Give me back my--

What's that weird thing on the top?

Give me back my predicto goggles.

Don't snatch.

Oh, they're good.

no, they're good.

They actually work.

Bill, bill, oh, this one's from Rick.

Dear Ruth and Megan.

Megan.

It has come to my attention

that your rent is seriously overdue.

Shit.

But I've had an idea.

I thought, "Why don't I cut Ruth and Megan some slack

on their rent?

Because they're good girls and I like 'em."

- Oh, that's nice. - Really?

Well, that's good.

But then I thought,

"Fuck that."

That was really weird.

I want my rent.

We, we're gonna get it to you as soon as we can.

We've just had to change up our business model a bit because--

Yeah, yeah, I don't care.

If you don't pay by the end of the month, you're both out.

Oh, no, Rick, please, we will get it to you.

It is the law.

In fact, if you fuck up again, you'd be doing me a favour.

So fuck away, you fuckwits.

Oh, say hi to Megan for me.

- Megan, she's here. -Ciao, ciao.

Guess your business model doesn't work.

Oh, it's awful.

In this structure, the vice chair is

right adjacent to the chairman, whereas in this structure

that I prefer, all the other positions are, in fact,

subordinate to, uh, me or the, the, the chairman,

which I think is a much more manageable system, don't you?

Fire.

Oh.

You have some new stock in there?

-Yep. -Yep.

Uh, I hope that's not from the past.

We got some stuff when we were doing--

Everything's from past.

- Okay, well, that's not-- -Idiot.

- Where's that chair from? -Oh, my God.

Let's see what's in here, oh, jackpot.

Who was looking for Bermudas?

-Genuine '80s. - Yeah.

I also would like to suggest that the current two-year tenure

for a chairman should be increased to three years.

Why not five?

Well, very good idea.

Have a mint.

Hmm.

Meegs.

Meegs.

Meegs, come in.

I've go other eggs. Run.

You know, I'm just glad I got them back in one piece.

If these hatch, I don't know you.

Einstein's equations allow for things called wormholes.

Uh, if you have a wormhole, you can enter in at the mouth,

travel through, and then exit out at, at the other end

at an earlier point in time.

Does that make sense, Ralph?

- Do you want some macaroni? -Hmm?

- Do you want some macaroni? -Mm.

Goodbye, Ian, take care.

Right.

Well, that's strange for this time of year.

Ruth, it's the pub quiz tonight if you fancy popping along.

-Come on, Ruth, come on. - Um.

Probably just gonna have an early one, to be honest.

Oh, next Thursday?

Next Thursday maybe?

Every Thursday, Ruth.

Ruth, every Thursday.

-Hi. -Hi.

Can we, can we have a quick look around?

- All right? - Look, look?

Yeah, looks like a hog.

But it's a bit broken. Can we, can we have a look at it?

Yeah, no, they don't really have many possessions,

these people, um, which seems like a

sort of silly move to come this far.

But it's just, we just, you know,

it's good to realize how far we've come.

He just coughed in my mouth.

-Ruth, Megan. - Other way around.

Ruth, Megan.

Ruth.

Just say yes. It's not even worth it.

Yeah, I think that's really sellable.

Can we have this?

-I'm very excited? - Oh.

Just you wait. There'll be a boom.

-Amazing. - Thank you so much.

- Bye, Tracy. - See you soon.

What is the universe made of?

We can't be sure, but we do know

it's all held together in perfect equilibrium.

So we've, uh, had a bit of an incident.

Yeah, there was this thing.

Shh.

I don't know what it is, but it's scary.

She was pissing around with things she knows nothing about,

and now she's a kid.

Teenager, actually.

Come on, what the?

This thing just opened up, and something came out,

and it, it grabbed me.

Geez.

Uh.

And the next thing you know, I'm young again.

My hair is just so much silkier than before,

my skin so smooth.

My life is so much better now.

I have no responsibilities.

Wow, slow down.

Uh, can you just sit down?

She just can't sit still.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

How much is this?

I don't care.

This place is so boring.

That's why I gotta change up the shop a bit.

- So? - Yeah?

- You like it? - Oh, that looks great.

You know, get rid of the old farts.

Oh, I like this jacket.

I'm in a band, so it kind of--

-You're in a band? - Uh-Huh.

Wow, I can sing, you know.

How long have you been working here anyway?

Um, about 20 years.

20?

School, I'm smashing it,

working a bit harder this time round, you know.

Not everyone gets a second chance.

Keeps having friends round.

Like, uh, this isn't, like, a party hangout.

Uh, it's ridiculous.

Yeah, meet at the bench, dude, yeah,

then swing over to the swings.

So it's changed the dynamic completely.

Um, it's not the Ruth I'm used to, you know.

Uh, okay, I've gotta go to work now.

Just don't feel like her heart's in it anymore.

Thinking about getting out of here anyway.

That suits you.

Do you really think?

Yeah, it brings out the eyes.

Yeah, my girlfriend's really gonna like me wearing this,

I reckon.

-Who? - My girlfriend, yeah.

Like, I dunno, dinner.

Megan get this loser out of here.

The music's really starting to get to me.

Um, I mean, you just

just reach this point

where you just can't listen to that shit anymore.

It's been a difficult transition for the both of us, really.

I didn't ask for this to happen, but I love the new me.

Or is it the old me?

The young me.

Megan does need to chill, though.

She's getting a couple of grey hairs, more than a couple.

She tried to get involved in my sleepover.

I mean, but none of the other mums were there.

Take the suit off.

I can't remember being such a douchebag when I was a kid.

Kids are different today.

Ow, oh, ooh, ah, mm.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Trying to get young like me, aren't you?

You know what? Go clean up that mess you made.

And take that makeup off. You look ridiculous.

What?

Did you pay the rent?

Ciao, ciao.

- Ruth, that's your job. - No, I'm 16.

It's definitely your job.

We pay the rent first of the month.

It's in the calendar.

- Calendar? - Look, there.

And these are all my dates.

I've literally never seen this before.

We need to sort this out.

No, Meegs, I've got bigger problems than this.

What?

Hello, book exams mean anything to you?

What are you on about?

If I don't get good grades, what kind of future

am I gonna have?

Uh, this is your future.

This is your shop.

Nah, Meegs, this is your future, your shop, your landlord,

your bills.

I haven't got to deal with all the crap, not anymore.

If you don't like your life, you can't just start over.

You said it yourself. The customers love you.

Oh, my God, your need to be liked is so pathetic.

You're just a jealous old hag

who can't even use a credit card machine.

You're a bratty teenager, and you're gonna get

the same shit marks you got the first time around.

You're useless. I'm better off without you.

I'm going for a walk.

No, I have to go meet my friends at the park.

So desperate, trying to be all street.

Pay the rent and watch the shop.

Not my problem.

Go upstairs, and do your paperwork.

You're not my mother.

Meegs.

Oh, yeah, cool, just leave then.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Fuck, no.

Oh, my back.

Yo, yo, yo, it's little Babe Ruth.

Yeah, it is Ruth.

Yeah, what are you doing?

I thought we were gonna meet at the park.

I've been waiting for, like, half an hour.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, man, it's wicked. They're so fun.

Like, they're so, like, it's much nicer hanging out

with people, like, your own age because you just, like,

you, I don't know, like, just got a lot of energy and...

Who's party?

Oh, okay.

Yeah, no, I didn't get invited either.

Fuck that, yeah.

Oh, are you?

Oh, okay.

Do you think maybe, like, I can come with you or?

Why is it creepy?

I just didn't quite get it together today.

Like, I thought they went one place.

They thought I went somewhere else.

It's, like, it's fine.

It doesn't really matter anyway.

It's not like,

I don't even think Amber's a very nice person, to be honest.

I think she's actually quite a bitch.

Ella.

Ella.

Why they just didn't even let me know.

It's kind of, like, uh what's the point in having phone.

This is our store room where we keep everything.

Unfortunately, there's quite a complicated system in place,

which only Megan seems to know.

Meegs?

Meegs, is that you?

Meegs, if you are there, Mr. Dixon came in today.

He was asking about that wooden bear.

Oh, wait, I found it.

There's a lot of stuff.

That's 1812, that is.

That's really valuable.

I should put that somewhere safe.

Uh, my favourite item,

I guess this.

I've got this. Can you see that?

Just reminds me of Megan.

- Sign here, here, and here. - I don't understand.

Finally getting rid. Where's Megan? She out in back there?

I don't know where she is.

In ya come, Dave.

Yeah, there you go. That's it, all signed, close enough.

Oh, I don't like the look of that.

That's coming out your deposit.

Have I seen that? Seen it.

Unreason.

Is it rolling?

It's rolling.

Uh, after initial trials,

Robert and I think the machine is ready

for its first human test.

Come on.

Right, ready?

Here we go.

Okay.

Hope this is recording.

I don't know what happened.

Uh, the power cut halfway through the jump.

Okay.

Oh, air's breathable.

Ground seems stable.

Yeah, I, hang on what? What's that over there I heard?

Look, I'm, I'm, I'm sure I heard something.

Ah, what's that?

Eight legs!

It's got a beak.

Meegs, I'm sorry.

Where, where are you?

- Gonna do time in time jail. - Time jail.

Meegs

Ruth?!

Meegs.

Megan.

Ruth, help.

What's the word for a type of particle accelerator,

also applies to a type of electromagnetic radiation made

by charged particles moving in magnetic fields?

And I'll give you a clue here, guys.

It is not a cyclotron.

Which apparatus with culinary applications would you use

to maintain the temperature of water

below 100 degrees Centigrade at sea level?

Come on. Get on with it. When is the bloody game?

Don't wanna watch the nerd show.

Used to maintain the temperature of water.

Guys, guys, something really bad's happen.

I need your help.

Megan's gone.

I don't know where she is. I can't find her.

- It's a Marie's flask. - Deuce. It's a deuce.

Please, listen to me.

She's gone. Something really bad's happened.

Just shush. Come on, dear. We're very, very busy.

Valerie, please listen to me please.

Could we please have the question again?

Megan's gone.

Sorry, darling, it's just the question

it's a kitcheny one.

Which apparatus with cautery applications would you use

to maintain the temperature of water--

It's a fucking bain-Marie.

- Bain-Marie - Yes, bain-Marie.

She just said so. The whole bloody pub heard it.

- All right. - Right.

Why is no one listening to me?

It's the time machine.

Something really bad has happened.

Stop talking at once.

Toilets.

- Oh, look here they come. Look. - Geeks.

- Go on. - Yeah, ya geeks.

Ah.

- We're clean. - Right, so, okay,

yeah, so I've called this extraordinary meeting--

Hey, the machine, I think there's something wrong with it.

It's, like, making all this weird shit happen.

Like, I was 16 but not when I was 16, like recently.

And I thought that's why Megan had gone

because I can't find her.

And there's also, like, this massive hole.

There's, like, this weird, white, glowing, floaty thing,

and there's, like, this shit coming out of it.

And I don't know.

I think maybe she's been sucked off.

I mean, I'm not a scientist or anything, but--

All right, okay, okay, okay, so first of all,

is anything she just said remotely possible?

Have you used the machine at all?

Okay, don't be annoyed.

We did actually use it a few times

because we had a massive electricity bill, and it was--

-How much? - Like six grand.

No, no, how much did you use the machine?

Like, I wanna say it was, it was quite

a high number, actually.

Um, no, I'm really sorry.

It's just really difficult for us at the moment.

Megan's idea anyway, to be honest.

Which radioisotope?

I'll give you a clue here, guys.

It has the atomic number 43 and mass number 99.

Can we just establish what exactly happened to Megan?

Well, I don't actually know,

but there's a hole in the shop, and I think there's

a good chance she went in the hole.

I mean, I'm not exactly sure if she went in the hole.

There's definitely a good chance she's in the hole.

-Into the hole? - The hole.

Like, big hole, little hole?

It's a big hole. It's quite big.

Well, it's kind of medium.

Okay, medium, I'm gonna put medium for now.

Idiots, they've broken through.

Broken through, what do you mean?

- They've damned us. - No, Ralph, Ralph.

- They've damned us all to hell. - Ralph.

God, he's lost it again.

Again?

You know, Ralph had a bit of a difficult time a few years ago.

Difficult?

He went completely nuts, completely batshit.

He was all over the shop like a mad woman's piss.

- That's offensive. -It's all right.

I know what to do.

So first of all, we have to expel

Ruth and Megan from the society.

Point of order.

Uh, since Ralph has left,

we don't actually have a quorum anymore.

So we cannot take a vote.

Oh, shut up.

Could I please have the return of your society pin?

Oh, my God, Martin, are you actually joking?

No, I'm not joking, thank you.

And could I please now have Megan's pin?

Martin, Megan's not on the fucking planet anymore.

I don't know where she is.

I came to you guys for help, and Megan was right.

You're a bunch of freaks with some stupid club,

and you just sit around talking

about inventions that you didn't even make.

The universe is coming apart in my shop,

and I don't know where my best friend is.

And I, I just wanna get her back,

and I don't wanna go to fucking time jail,

because I don't know what's in there.

All right, all right, now first of all,

we need to find out what damage the time machine has done.

Okay, we will leave here as quietly as we can.

We will go to secret meeting point D.

And remember the society's motto.

Oh, well, you keep changing it, Martin.

No, oh, come on.

Fuck me.

Fuck right off.

Do not make me be that person.

Cock off.

Inventing in secret.

- Just squeeze through. - Yes.

You know, for 20 seconds there,

we actually did have a, a quorum,

so we could have taken a vote if we...

Oh, my God, on and on.

Actually, never mind 'cause he's not,

he's not in the club.

Well, I'm terribly sorry.

We seem to be having a bit

of a technical difficulty at the moment.

We'll try and restore things as soon as we can.

And please do bear with us.

Robert, it's Ralph.

The only Ralph I know betrayed me

and ruined my life

It's Ralph Sheldrake.

Fuck off.

We need to talk, Robert.

It's about the accident.

Rob.

What do you want?

What?

- What the fuck? - No, no, no, no, it's okay.

They're, they're, they're just, uh, filming me.

Oh, yeah, course they are

'cause the camera always loved you.

I need your help, mate.

Mate?

You've got some nerve after all this time.

It's about the machine we built.

It's back.

What are you talking about?

It's been here all the time.

Uh, the other machine.

But you destroyed that time machine over 20 years ago.

Yes, you're right.

I put it out with the bins.

Ralph, that is not a sufficient means of disposal.

You better come in.

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, come on, come on.

Maybe it will be a good idea if Peter drove.

-No. -Yeah I know a short cut.

Yeah, well, Alex, the chair doesn't recognize you

at this time.

And I'm a qualified coach driver, all right?

Actually, I could drive if you like.

Okay, Peter, you drive, quick, right, go around.

You squidge over. There we are.

Hold tight, Ruth.

♪ Hold on

♪ Won't be long

♪ No no there...

♪ The only way is up

♪ Baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ The only way is up

♪ Baby, for you and me now

♪ The only way is up, baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ The only way is up, baby

Welcome to the bot cave.

That's all the stuff I managed to salvage from the show.

It was the golden age of home learning.

We didn't know how good we'd had it,

presenting science to the masses.

But I don't know why they chose Ralph to be the presenter.

I was meant to be the bloody robot.

God, can't believe you kept all this.

And just like that, it was gone.

You didn't put up a fight, did ya?

Nah, you just walked away.

They woulda listened to you.

Come on, mate, we had a good run.

Yeah, but at least I fought for it.

I wrote and submitted 15 seasons worth of new material,

not one response.

Crushing blow to my creativity.

I mean, look at us.

I was a different person.

You and I, we coulda been rich

off of what we achieved together...

but they just cancelled us and threw us on the shit heap.

Well, after what happened live on air, can you blame them?

Yeah, that's what that wall's about.

Got everything you need?

There was a, an accident with a machine.

Robert and I were stranded in a lost dimension.

We were gone for three years, or so we thought.

This is the octopus monster that used to stalk us.

Here.

This here is the captain.

He was there, too.

These are photographs we took for scientific evidence.

And then the, and then the press just had a field day.

We were shunned by everyone.

Well, that's it in a nutshell.

We went to hell and back.

Now, that's a quote.

Potty Botty is just a dangerous slur

on our scientific knowledge and our bowel-care capacities.

That's why my podcast is vital.

People need to know about this

hellish alternative place out there.

And, uh, when we finally escaped and returned home,

we found that, uh, no time had passed at all.

We weren't missed, and we had to go live on air.

The creatures, fowl mosters of hell!

Spread the word.

None of this is real.

It's all lies.

Hell is real.

We've been there.

It wasn't one of our best shows.

- Okay, come on this way. - I almost had the...

Come along, come along.

So, so, what we're doing is this.

What? Peter, fuck's sake.

Ralph kindly agreed for the society

to use this facility as a secret base of operations

for just such an emergency as this.

Yeah, we can't get into the school on Thursday nights.

It's Pilates on the ball.

- Yeah. - You're just sat on a ball.

Yeah.

First 10 minutes is pumping it up.

Shut up.

Anyway, this is the place where Ralph originally developed

the time machine, apparently.

How did you lot get keys to my bloody shop?

Botty? Oh, my God, it's Botty, oh.

He's barking mad.

You know who I am?

Yeah, I watched every episode.

You're the one who's been using our time machine.

Big fan of yours, both of yours.

It's a great show.

It's really good.

You've actually travelled in time?

It was great for our business 'cause we've,

we've got a vintage shop in Muswell Hill, actually.

You should come check it out.

I've got a card.

You haven't got a shop.

You have a swirling gateway to hell.

Good luck.

10:15?

Acute radiation sickness.

Oh, God.

The machine is damaging the universe

in ways that we could never have foreseen

like a shitty '80s car.

We think your friend's fallen out of this dimension,

the one that we're all currently inhabiting,

and she's landed somewhere else.

Where's she landed?

Um, let me show you.

Excuse me.

What, she's in there?

Well, I didn't even know this place existed.

He didn't declare it to the society, did he?

Went to your birthday, didn't we Val?

Yeah, that was brilliant.

- I loved that cake. - Great fun.

- It was amazing. - Yeah.

Let's see, shall we?

Oh.

The time machine's trajectory passes through

to another point in time,

but it has to pass this dimension.

We call it the Unreason.

Unfortunately, uh, all our experiments,

we never made it all the way, didn't we, Robert?

- No, no. - No, no, we,

no, we, we, we broke down here.

Uh, now, we believe that Megan has fallen

into a, a temporal sinkhole, uh,

caused by you guys punching through history several times

in the same point in your shop.

She's probably ended up here

like me and Robert did.

The Unreason?

You know, when people and things,

they vanish in the Bermuda triangle,

down the back of the couch?

Well, in fact, anything in history...

that disappears without a trace,

it, it all ends up here.

It was a nightmare.

Oh, Megan.

Look, here, we've got drawings and pictures.

Yeah, look at that.

And they breed a lot.

And they are not gentle lovers.

The horrors, yeah,

of that place,

imagine waking up to that.

Does that look natural to you?

If anybody touches any of these things,

wash your hands afterwards please.

We've, we've seen things, monsters,

weird animals,

a unicorn with dicks for legs.

It's true.

I saw them, too, well, not the dicks.

Okay, so say this place even exists.

Is mounting a rescue even possible?

Theoretically, we could get there

with some pretty profound modifications

to the fairground bumper car.

And bring Megan back?

No, no, no, we shouldn't be using that machine anymore.

Well, we can't just leave Megan there forever.

Hey, Val, what about this microwave?

We could, we could use this shielding

to reinforce the singularity chamber.

Yeah, this should do the trick,

allowing safe and reliable time travel

without damaging space-time.

-And the microwave? - Oh, it'll be knackered.

Damn.

No, no, hang on a minute, hang on a minute.

We are a society. We should take a vote.

Well, I think it feels pretty unanimous, Martin.

Oh, does it?

Well, Ralph and Robert can postulate the correct course

of the hidden dimension of the universe.

Alex and I will fix the machine so it's less polluting

to space-time and less damaging to humans

and so that Ruth can travel up and down

or wherever it is, to the Unreason,

and rescue Megan and hopefully bring her back.

Um, so, uh, yes, uh,

and I, I could just, um,

there's lots of things here I could probably help with,

you know, cups,

It could be used for telephonic communication

with a bit of string, and then there's this thing.

Bang, you're dead.

Or on the other hand,

I suppose I'm just completely fucking useless.

Actually, Martin, you know what?

You could do the most important job of all.

You could, um, do the, the risk assessment.

He could do the risk assessment.

- Yes, yes. - Yes.

What, I could do the risk assessment?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, I, I could,

Yes I could do the risk assessment.

Let's do it.

Let's get Ruth in that time machine.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm not going. I can't go.

I can't drive. Megan drives.

I thought Ralph was gonna go.

You, you've been there. You do it.

No, no, no, no. I'm not going.

I don't even drive a real car, so how am I gonna drive

a fucking time machine?

Please, but I get really bad headaches, migraines.

I'm like, I'm probably gonna be sick.

There's weird stuff there.

Botty said there's dicks in there, and I can't do it, Val.

I can't do it. I don't wanna go.

- I really don't wanna go. - It's okay, breathe.

Calm down, Megan, Megan is relying on us.

She's counting on you.

You can do it.

You can do it.

Okay.

You can do it.

I'll go with you, if you want Ruth.

-Oh, Peter, no, fuck. - Fair enough.

1984 Reverchon Privilege,

she's a beauty.

You can travel through time, can't ya?

Cheeky.

What is this?

And just follow those in the same, it's very easy.

No, this, that, that'll twist and...

When you find Megan, uh, remember,

we don't know how long she's been down there.

It could have been years.

She coulda lost her mind.

Not everybody has the same mental fortitude as we did.

We had an argument before she went.

So she, she could have been stewing for years.

Don't worry about that. I'm sure she's forgotten.

Time heals all wounds.

Fuck that.

I've been stewing for years.

Was, was, was that about me?

Sorry, Rob, I, I just thought you'd lost it.

I mean, this time machine broke up our friendship.

It's got nothing to do with the machine.

This was all about you.

You didn't think you needed me.

That was utter bullshit.

You'd have been nothing without me.

Of course.

Robert

I can't dispute that.

I always knew that.

Megan needs me.

Ah, well, best crack on.

These are all your chargers.

- This is your, your thrust. - Like that?

Yeah.

Here until the sequence over here--

- Okay. - On the left.

- Okay. -Wow.

Here, careful.

Okay, sure.

More careful than that.

Okay.

And I've installed an electromagnetic shield

in the machine, which should solve

the radiation sickness and nosebleeds.

Oh, thank God, and the headaches,

and the hair loss,

and the bloating, and the insomnia,

and the dizziness, and the tiredness, and that,

those awful sweats, and the hair on my face,

and the lethargy,

and the dryness?

I think that might be the menopause.

Oh, okay.

Never mind.

Risk assessment, Ruth, and a gold badge for you.

Thank you, Martin.

Good luck, Ruth.

I'll never forget you.

Goodbye Valerie.

- Good luck, Ruth. - Goodbye, Peter.

Goodbye.

What is happening to the world, Val?

The universe knows we're about to break the rules.

Nothing escapes the Unreason.

Are they gonna make it?

History, the future, time,

they're all level-two chaotic systems,

systems that react to predictions about themselves,

so I'd rather not say.

Valerie, you deserve to be running the society, not me.

Oh, God, come on Ruth!

Oh.

Meegs.

Meegs.

Okay, okay.

Anything in history that disappears,

it all ends up here.

Listen, mate I've got a gun, yeah.

Megan?

Megan, Meegs.

Yeah, I'm getting huge spikes. Look at this, here.

I mean, it's off the charts.

Ralph, not too far.

So Rick, the landlord, has arranged access for us

so that we can seal the fracture

or interdimensional fissure, as we're calling it.

But before we do that,

we thought we would use a robotic drone to study it.

Uh, go left a bit please, Peter, no left.

- Right. - Right, well, left that way.

Yes.

Can you be a bit more careful, Peter?

Sorry, it's fighting me.

- Steady. - Steady, easy.

To the right, to the right.

That's it, that's it.

Zoom in, zoom in.

- Uh, no, zoom, go push-- - I'm zooming.

Don't touch it.

- I'll touch it if I want to. - Don't touch it.

- Push it. - No.

Otherwise you'll never zoom in.

Ah, ah.

-Go left. - Guys.

Forward, zoom, zoom.

That's it. Now, what is that?

Ah, that's the event horizon, the point of no return.

It's beautiful.

Really, really gently, Peter,

'cause that gravitational force looks super strong.

Yeah, I've got it.

- Don't worry. - Wow.

- Shit, lost it, sorry. - Oh.

Yeah, it's all right. Don't worry.

- You did really quite well. - Not your fault.

No, right, it's not my fault. Good job, Peter, good job,

'cause we're going to learn such a lot from this footage.

I mean, it's just, it's amazing.

All these images, you see,

they will be very useful

because it's the first-ever recording

of spatial distortion ever.

I can't wait to review it all.

Peter did so well.

He did.

That was my fault.

Megan?

Ah, you breathed, you breathed.

That's 536 and a half points to me.

You go down to level, um, 4,336.

Sucks to be you.

That round always beats me.

I mean, it's fun.

Fun.

What a game, what a game, what a game.

Isn't this fun?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing, love?

I have this, so I collect these, right?

No, no, no, no, no, fuck's sake.

Listen, everyone, this is important.

You cannot show this card on this round.

Hold on, hold on.

Let's look at the rules, shall we?

Ah, here we are, in the event of a level-five stalemate--

What?

where the rap battle round does not apply--

And I have--

And the player is wearing the appropriate

multiplier medallion, in that instance,

the game is no longer live, stroke, in play.

It is paused.

So Laika decides the outcome using...

here we are, method four.

Okay, okay, these are the rules.

Two barks, I win. Write it down.

Two barks, I win.

Laika, if you please.

- Yes. - No, hold, hold, hold.

Ah, two barks, woof, woof, I win.

Oh, well, better luck next time, Trace.

In some ways, the game is too simple,

but that's what makes it so perfect.

Thanks, loser.

Place your bets for the next round.

I love the next round.

Fuck.

A new player.

If you've come to join the game, my dear,

you need to buy in.

You may have heard of the game.

It was my idea.

It's become famous across the Expanse.

Many have come in search of it, all of them wishing to play.

Uh, no, actually.

This is the only thing to do in the Expanse.

Sorry, I thought this was the Unreason.

Is this not the Unreason?

Ignore her. Let's play.

Oh, come on. You must play.

You'll love it.

The rules are quite simple.

Basically, the game came about as a way to pass the time.

It currently has 94,332 rounds with unique multiplayer

and single-player subsections, skill-Based specialism,

chance modifiers and forfeits.

The aim is to exchange game progress for game tokens,

swap game tokens for game cards,

trade game cards for game progress.

All wagers are final, the rules are the rules,

and what a game, what a game.

You'll pick it up in no time.

Just be careful not to get into hock.

Otherwise, you might end up in the slammer like Megan.

Are we playing or chatting?

Megan!

Megan, you're alive. You're okay.

I could trade you 15 tokens for a black triangle card.

What?

A black triangle.

- Are you okay, Meegs? - She lost everything.

She's been down over 100 points for 10 years.

I came as quickly as I could.

I can't see things getting better for her, sadly.

Oh, nice.

You like it?

- You remember? -Mm.

It's vintage.

Trade you 15 tokens for it.

You don't normally buy stuff, Meegs.

Ruth?

Yes, that's right. It's me.

Remember me.

- Ruth? - Yeah?

- Listen. - Yes.

Do you have a black triangle card?

I need to get back in the game.

I, I had one, but this octopus guy called Gavin,

he took, took it off me and--

I'm getting you out of here. This place is hell.

But it, but it's, it's a really good game.

No, we're going.

Oh, no you don't. She's in timeout.

The rules say so.

Oh, a gun.

She's got a gun.

She's got a gun, everyone.

Shoot me. Shoot me first.

Shoot, shoot, shoot me.

- Shoot me. - No, shoot me.

- No, shoot me. - Shoot me.

- Shoot me. - Shoot me.

A bullet in the head, shoot me, please.

- Please. - Shoot me first.

- Please, please shoot me. - Please, please.

Shush, shush, shush, shush, shush.

Not getting out of the game that easily.

What's going on?

Okay, uh, okay, I've got it.

Put the gun in as a wager.

That can be your buy-in.

I don't wanna play.

I just want to get Megan.

The game has winners as well as losers.

Captain got to drink the poison a few round ago.

Sadly, it wasn't enough.

What sort of sick game is this?

It's immersive.

No, no, Ruth, it's a trick.

Shall I put you down for a cheeky little round, Ruth?

No, Ruth, shoot me first.

This round, we'll release the dice from the tower.

If there's a total odd dice score, she goes free.

However, if there's an even score, I get the gun,

and you join her in lockup.

Um.

They allow the wearer

to see about a minute into the future, give or take.

Can I just, can I just check something quickly,

and then I'll, um, uh?

I'm just gonna have a look.

What's going on?

Five, six, seven.

- What is she doing? - I don't really know.

And then 10, and hang on, so can you not count?

'Cause I can't concentrate.

Sorry, sorry.

53, oh, okay.

-What are you doing? - Oh, sorry, one second.

I just need to check something, um.

What is she checking?

- I don't know. -Oh, there they are, that.

Okay, yeah, okay, okay, let's do it.

Let's play.

Let's play.

Let's play. We have a new player.

She's called Ruth.

We have a new player, everyone.

Here we go Place your bets, place your bets.

The game, the game

The game, what a game

Everyone, uh, we are about to release the dice.

No more bets, release the dice.

Stop playing.

- 17. - 17.

- 32. - 32.

- 87. - 87.

- 32. - 32.

- 15. - 15.

11.

- 84. - 84.

86.

Shoot me!

Hello.

23, thank you.

How are things your end of the table?

Excellent, well done, well done.

Yes, yes, yes, gotta go

Gotta to go, yes Stephan, bye-bye, au revoir.

Hi, Rosamund.

Oh, that's so crazy.

Oh.

One.

One, the result is

even, yes, even.

Sorry, Ruth.

- No, no, no, no, that's-- - Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Doesn't make sense

This is where you go and get locked up

with those other losers.

- No, but sorry. - Leave now.

I didn't actually understand how to play this game,

so I don't think it's very fair that you can just do that

to somebody.

Oh, hang on. What?

Oh, what is that?

Oh, it's a 3. Does that count?

Okay.

Nobody panic.

Let's just look at the rules, shall we?

I win, I win.

- I always win. - I'll get ya.

You're not listening, you're not listening.

There's chaos.

Chaos, all is chaos.

Where's Megan? Where's Megan gone?

Leave it now, haven't got time for this.

I think it's around here somewhere.

This is a 1984 Reverchon Privilege.

This is our time machine.

You came to save me.

Meegs, I'm so sorry I was a dick to you before.

I mean, I was 16, you know.

I thought you were you just, like, in a 16-year-old's body.

Yeah, but I know it's a bit weird.

The thing is, I just was on a high, you know.

Like, I, I felt like people were interested in me,

and I had energy, and I wanted to stay up late and do stuff.

And, like, I just felt like I had confidence, you know?

And I didn't wanna think about all the stuff

I normally worry about, which I do.

I worry all the time.

I mean, fucking look at me.

Megan, you're the one who does stuff.

You can stand up on a surfboard.

Like, I can't do that stuff.

And I'm just the one in the background

fucking sorting out the bills and--

Ruth, what you do is really important.

We're a team.

You crossed the whole intermenstrual diaphragm

to come and save me.

You've got this.

I'm proud and--

Well, I mean, I wasn't gonna leave you there.

Proud and surprised.

I did do it, though, didn't I?

I did. I did it.

I know

- Okay, let's go. - Go, go, go.

- Why's it not going? - Why's it not working?

- What? - Hang on.

Maybe I have to put the, no, I've done that.

- I don't understand. - Ruth, Ruth.

- Oh, my God. This isn't-- - Ruth.

- The time for it to not work. - Ruth.

-Ruth. - What?

If it all goes wrong, all you need to do is turn it off,

turn it back on again.

I think we need to turn it off and back on again.

Would you like to go for a drink with me sometime?

Ruth.

What the fuck is that?

Bugger me

Ruth, you forgot your winnings.

That was just part of the game

where we fight each other, Ruth.

Shit, they've gone.

Gavin, could you not run any faster with all those legs?

More legs does not equal more speed.

I think I remember where we were in the game.

They all get tangled it's a nightmare.

A new player.

Oh we're going to be such good friends.

Welcome to the Unreason.

You're stuck here forever.

But you're in luck.

I've devised an excellent way to pass the time.

What a game, what a game, what a game.

We're back. We did it. We did it. We're back.

We're in the mews.

Yes.

Megan, perfect timing.

Wait till you see what I've found for ya, Venetian mask.

These are really rare.

It's yours for a pound.

I, Brenda, I don't want the mask.

You don't find these every day.

- No, Brenda. - 75 pence.

♪ Woooooow

♪ Oh baby I don't care

♪ Oh baby I don't care

♪ Well you can give me all your love ♪

♪ And anything else you got too ♪

♪ But don't pay it any mind

Will the peasants please stop going mad on the buffet?

♪ You don't have to say you love me ♪

♪ And you don't have to say any prayers ♪

Thank you for all your help, Robert.

I'm sorry I, I sort of ignored you on,

on the show all those years ago.

But I, I think I, I, I was a bit nervous,

you know, a bit in awe...

of all that you'd achieved.

It's all right.

Botty was always my favourite.

♪ But there's just one thing

♪ You don't have to say

♪ You don't have to say you love me ♪

♪ And you don't have to say any prayers ♪

♪ No you don't have to say you love me ♪

Like those, um, future vision things

and the, the flying shoes.

It's amazing, really brilliant, actually, brilliant stuff.

Could I just, uh, have the microphone for a sec?

Thank you very much.

Uh, um, sorry, this, this will only take a minute.

Um, uh, I just wanted to thank you all

for coming to the meeting.

Technically, it's not a meeting.

It's a party.

Um, for those of you who don't know me,

I've been chairman of this august society for a while.

But it's time for me to hand over the reins.

I will, in fact, still be a member.

Um, but Valerie will be your new chairperson.

But before I go, I did just want to say...

thank you for having me.

And it has been...

it has been a pleasure...

and an honour.

So thank you very much and good luck, Valerie.

Hooray.

♪ Let's travel back in time

Big round of applause for that guy.

We have a horse and chariot parked

on double yellows outside.

Can we please get it shifted from the venue?

What have you got?

Uh, I think, well, you could take them away for a free try.

Is this one minute into the future?

I do accept American USD,

American dollars or pounds, no euros.

Then, this one gathers your noodles.

Wow.

It says what it does on the tin.

Well, we're just selling,

they're selling some of their inventions.

We're just selling some of our things we've found, um--

To raise money.

Yeah, we're raising money for--

For our new headquarters.

And I declare our new headquarters open.

Whoo.

Shut up.

Well, emotionally, I couldn't afford to part with it,

and financially, you couldn't afford it.

So it's kind of like a rebranding.

It's now the British Research Engineering

and Scientific Thought Society.

It's a little bit more inclusive. Um--

It's a lot more inclusive.

There's more women, for starters.

-Yeah. -Much more balanced.

There, don't smudge it. That's right.

Too much testosterone before.

- Yeah, much too much. - Yeah.

A powerful jet engine.

I mean, they're good fun, but they're, you might die.

But you might die crossing the road.

What do you think?

Would you like to purchase one, uh?

Uh.

-Do you? - I can't see you, so.

'Cause I can still see it.

I can still--

Uh. Any sort of particular branch of engineering

and scientific research interests?

Well, Val's in charge now, which is brilliant.

We have more fun.

Uh, these are the new members.

Oh, great, thank you.

Oh, no, Max is on here, though.

Well, yes, it turns out his machine does work.

They let me in the club. I'm in.

Wonders will never cease, very good.

Sometime later, we checked back in with Ruth and Megan

to see how they were getting on.

I was really scared because they were saying, like,

"You've got, like, a 90% chance of dying,"

but at the end of the day, it was either gonna happen

or it wasn't, so--

- Mm, mm. - It's always 50-50, isn't it?

You could say that you getting stuck in the asshole of time

actually has brought everyone closer together.

- Mm-Hmm, um. - And it gave

Ralph and Botty happy endings.

- Mm. - Uh.

They finally got to travel back in time.

They just went down memory lane.

This is all theoretical.

Um, time travel is completely impossible.

I mean, who are you to say what's possible?

Well, if a time machine had been invented,

then surely, time travellers from the future would've come

back to visit us.

Well, she's got you there.

-How's she got me? -Yes.

Well, thank you for coming to talk to us today, Valerie.

Valerie?

I said how's she got me?

Um, uh, no, thank you, uh, uh, of course, no problem.

Yes, thank you, Ralph.

And, and thank you, Botty.

Thank you.

See you next time on "The Future, Today."

- Thank you. - Good night.

The fracture still opens up.

We've got this system now where we've actually used it

to our advantage.

Yeah.

So we've, we've got this wardrobe in front of it.

Which basically houses the portal to the storage,

you know, just a little bit more

health and safety conscious.

- Brilliant. -Really handy.

- It's brilliant. -Yeah.

And we're able to chuck stuff in there.

Yes.

Aisle 65 lamps, Mr. Entrepreneur.

Don't look at me, my arms are full mate!

- It's free. - Yeah.

- It's free storage. - Yeah.

And they've got a really good system down there, so--

Yeah, we've, uh, essentially created a new game for them.

Bing bong!

Rick to the manager's office. Rick to the manager's office.

Oh you're in trouble.

Oh, what a game, what a game, what a game.

Rick disappeared.

We don't know where he is, which is bloody brilliant

because now, obviously, we're not gonna be evicted.

No.

I think he's met someone, or he's gone away.

If you're out there, Rick, we just wish you all the best.

Best of luck.

Hope it works out.

No, business has been great.

Loads of people coming from all over now.

- Yeah. - Since the documentary, like--

Yeah, it really put us on the map.

Yeah, and Muswell Hill.

- Yeah. - Which is nice.

We don't need to take stuff from the past anymore.

We just use it for a laugh.

- Yeah. - Just use it to have fun.

Mm.

What's better than exploring time and space?

With your best friend.

And that's the end, I think.

Uh, uh, let me just check here, yep, yeah, mm-hmm.