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A Big DickUs Production

Spaces added, ♫♫♫. better for old TVs

NOTICE: PAYMENTS 30 DAYS LATE WILL RESULT IN LOCKOUT AND EVICTION OF YOUR BELONGINGS. NO EXCEPTIONS! (Spanish)

Tape 20.000 G (guaraníes Paraguay) Padlocks 25.000 G To all of our customers:

Management was obligated to open your units.

Restitution will be made. Apologies.

Hola, señor.

Me llamo...

Hola, yo soy Carol sturka.

Estoy de los... United States...

leave me alone, you sons of bitches!

Fuck your mother, asshole!

Hi, Carol.

Can you hear us?

If you feel like responding,

all you have to do is pick up the handset and speak into it.

It's got a push-to-talk button on the side.

Hey, Carol!

Works just like on Adam-12. Remember how you used to love that show?

What?

Hi, Carol.

You left the hospital kind of quickly. Is everything okay?

Yep. yes. - Hey, Carol!

Just... just headed home.

Would you be more comfortable in your range rover?

We can deliver it to you.

Also, we're happy to remove the alcohol interlock device.

No.

Hey, Carol.

What are you doing here?

You're in my house? What the hell are you doing inside my house?

Patching shrapnel holes.

Plus, there was a lot of broken glass to clean up.

Well, who gave you permission to be in my house?

You did.

Remember? When you were riding with us in the ambulance

and we were applying a pressure bandage to zosia's back.

And we asked you if you'd like us to tidy up your house a little bit

and you sort of nodded absently.

Okay. Jesus, fine. Whatever. Is everyone out now?

Yes. And we're almost done here, Carol.

But we could leave the finishing touches for later and clear out now if you'd like.

Give you some space.

Do I know you?

Hi.

You're the fucking mayor.

Thank you for your vote.

I need a volunteer.

Not a politician.

You. Shorty.

Rest of you just take a... coffee break, or whatever floats your boat.

Come with me.

Happy to.

Have a seat... what's your name?

Your name?

Well...

This individual went by Lawrence j. Kless.

Or Larry to his friends, of which he had many.

Whatever. Just... have a seat.

Do you like my books?

We love your books.

What do you love about them?

Everything. Your books are an expression of you. And we love you.

Need you to be more specific. Character arcs. Plot turns.

Yes. Yes. We love the character arcs and the plot turns.

Which ones?

All of them.

No offense, Larry, but I think you're bullshitting me.

Sounds to me like you haven't even actually read my work.

But we have.

Gosh, where do we even begin?

In your first novel,

we greatly admire the description of lucasia's gown on page two.

Gossamer threads of the finest shang silk shimmered like spun gold,

as if the sun itself were showering lucasia's shoulders

with resplendent kisses.'

That made quite a few of us tingle.

Okay.

Ha.

How would you say my work compares to... Shakespeare?

Equally. Equally wonderful.

You love my books as much as...

Macbeth?

Or much ado?

Yes. And Henry vi, parts one, two and three.

Well, I mean, what about a crowd-pleaser? Romeo and Juliet?

Wonderful. Have you read the first quarto of 1597?

No, you haven't, but you must. We'll bring you the original.

So, Larry, you are telling me that you love the wycaro series

as much as the most famous English language play of all time?

Carol.

When we think about a passage from one of your wonderful...

stop using that word.

From one of your books.

We experience it through many eyes. Many hearts.

Do you remember a woman named moira McAllister?

Crazy moira from Kansas City that sends me these dumb crocheted hats?

Right, of course. She's one of you now.

Yes.

Before she found your books, moira was deeply depressed.

In fact, she was going to...

You gave her something to live for.

You made her life better.

That's how we see your work, and you. Through moira's eyes.

What did Helen think of my books?

Tell me.

Helen loved you very much.

Not what I asked, Larry.

Spit it out. What did Helen think of the wycaro books?

Carol, you expressly told us that Helen is off-limits.

Yeah, but you know what? Special dispensation this one time.

What did Helen think of my wycaro books?

Larry?

She thought they were... harmless.

Harmless?

Cotton candy was the phrase she used in her mind. Mostly.

Cotton candy.

Yes.

And as you know, Helen loved cotton candy.

I don't actually recall Helen ever eating cotton candy.

No. She consumed it four times in her life, and each ti...

Yeah. You weren't there. But really...

Helen thought you knew how to please your audience.

And she was so grateful for the beautiful life the two of you shared,

that wycaro provided.

She was so proud of you.

What did Helen think of my unpublished novel?

Bitter chrysalis.

What did she think?

Carol. This line of inquiry isn't...

Can we talk about something else? I wanna know.

If you tell me, it'll make me happy.

Helen thought it was fine.

Fine as in good?

Or fine as in...

Meh?

Yeah, 'meh.'

What about the last 200 pages?

Helen stopped on page 137, paragraph three.

It's 489 pages long.

She read the last two pages. Thought it wrapped up nice.

If she hated it so much... - she didn't hate it.

If she hated it so much, why did she tell me to publish it?

Because she talked to Val, and they agreed that it wouldn't hurt your career.

And it would make you happy.

Out.

Hi, Carol.

Here.

Thank you.

You want this?

Do you like your police car?

Sure.

Fun fact, the police officer who drove that vehicle,

his son's third-grade teacher's husband's sister

was a chartered member of the wycaro fan club.

Wow. Chills.

Listen, about the...

It wouldn't have happened if I had had the foresight to understand that

you people are... generous enough to give me actual explosives, and I regret it.

Please don't.

Well, I'm sorry you got hurt.

Are you up for answering some questions?

Certainly.

About a week ago, the undersecretary of ag...

Well, I mean you. I know you're all one. I get the basics.

Anyway, all of you, in the form of the undersecretary of...

You told me that you don't really understand how all this works.

This joining. So my question is, do you understand it now?

We have quite a bit more insight into it now, yes.

So... is there a way to reverse it?

The joining?

Is there not a way to reverse it?

Zosia?

We want so much to please you, Carol, but we...

We can't answer questions like that.

Right. Except your non answer is my answer.

'Cause I don't think you can lie to me. I don't think it's something you can do.

But you would definitely tell me if the answer was no.

- We're sorry you're so troubled by this. do I seem troubled?

This is me happy.

I mean, congratulations. You did it.

Soon enough you'll understand everything.

And you will feel so much better.

Freedom falls.

You know what that means, don't you?

Of course you do. You know everything.

Tell me about it. Tell me about camp fucking freedom falls.

You were sixteen. Beginning to understand yourself. And your mother, she sent...

Yeah, go on. What'd she do?

She sent you to... a conversion therapy camp in Covington, Tennessee.

Camp freedom falls. You never forgave her.

Well... it was a terrible experience for you.

The counselors there were some...

some of the worst people I have ever known.

And they smiled all the time. Just like you.

We're sorry, Carol. As for us, we love and accept all beings equally.

Okay. If you're so accepting, then what about what you're trying to do to me now?

Make me just like you. Even though you know I do not want that.

You want to change us too, don't you?

Didn't you just ask if it's possible?

There is something else to consider.

We know what it feels like to be you.

To be alone. To suffer. We've been you.

But you've never been us.

Everything all right, Carol? Yeah.

Can we help you find something?

Do you have any heroin?

Are you sure that's a good idea? Remember last time?

What can I say? Sophomore year was tough.

Course it doesn't hold a candle to this shit.

Carol, you should know. We have a whole wing of bodies here

recovering from physical addiction.

Some might not make it.

Just... food for thought.

What are you, my Nana?

Yesterday, you people gave me a hand grenade.

Are you seriously gonna begrudge me some h?

Unfortunately, this hospital doesn't stock heroin.

We have other opioids.

Ones that were manufactured under more regulated conditions.

Would oxycodone suffice?

The closest unadulterated heroin is eight miles from here.

It's on its way.

See? Put your mind to it, and you guys are better than domino's.

Where are the hypodermic needles?

Might we suggest snorting the heroin instead?

It's been quite a number of years since you've injected.

No. In for a penny, in for a pound.

I'm gonna sid vicious this shit like it's the Chelsea fucking hotel.

It's just...

It's absolutely ineffectious.

Ineffecti... what?

This just... this shit does not work.

I'm on my own.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

'Don't', it said.

Dark slips and falling from his clothing, a shadowy figure.

I think this could be a movie.

She slowly turned to face the raspy voice.

Listen. I'm not that bad.

And that fuckin'...

lady... lady pirate they sent?

Raban. I'm... I'm sorry. I mean zosia.

It's zosia. You didn't catch her name because I knew her name. Zosia.

You're a fucking idiot.

Whatever.

How annoying is that chick.

Very, very fucking annoying. All smiley.

Hey. Hi. Hey, Carol, we just... we just wanna make you happy.

Blah, blah, blah.

She's like. 'We're the whole wide world, and we're stoked.'

It's just life is one big, long sunshiny walk in the park

when you're one of us. Whoo.

No way. Nobody sane is that happy. I call bullshit on that.

And why she gotta be so goddamn fuckable?

We have a winner.

Hey, Carol.

Carol.

Hey.

You look...

Yeah.

Got a lot more color in your face.

Thank you.

We feel much better today.

Good. That's good. How about some fresh air?

How was the heroin?

I threw it away.

Yeah. I wasn't in the mood.

Well, chickened out, actually.

Maybe for the best.

So...

When do they let you out of here?

I mean, when do you let you out of here?

Probably in a day or two. Sooner if we need an extra bed.

That's great.

Hey, you know everything.

Whatever happened to music in elevators?

when Did they stop doing that? would you like some?

Sure.

Nice day.

It is. Thank you for bringing us outside.

Well, I know how much it sucks being in hospitals.

Better out here, right? Little...

little sunshine?

Really, really nice.

What do you think the temperature is? About...

80?

Well, it's currently 27.778 degrees celsius,

or 82 degrees fahrenheit.

The winds are three kilometers per hour from...

From where?

From south... south-east...

Any chance of precipitation?

Percec...

Zosia, you with me? I need you to answer some more questions, okay?

How do I reverse all this? How do I reverse the joining?

No.

Zosia, how do I end this thing? You... you already told me it's possible.

We... no. yes.

yes. yes. you did. you pretty much did. no. no.

So, the hard part's over, right?

Now, all you have to do is tell me how to put things back the way they used to be.

Come on. Tell me, tell me. Come on, zosia.

Is it making you sad not giving me what I want?

Is this making you sad? Don't be sad.

Tell me what I want to know.

Yeah.

Zosia, zosia.

Is there something I can do? Is it something one person can do?

No, stop! Stop! Let go of her.

You can't touch me.

I have agency!

I have agency, and you can not interfere!

Back away from us!

Zosia, zosia. What is it?

Zosia, tell me what it... is it... is it some kind of chemical?

Some kind of medicine? Zosia, tell me what it is!

Please, Carol. Please, Carol. Please, Carol. Please...

Zosia, tell me.

Tell me!

What is it? Tell me.

Tell me what it is.

Tell me. Tell me!

What... what's happening?

She's dying, Carol. She's in cardiac arrest.

May we save her?

Yeah.

Excuse us, Carol.

Analyzing. Analyzing.

Shock advised. Stay clear of pa...