Original subtitles

*phone ringing*

Downloaded from YTS.LT

*phone ringing*

[Dad] Yes, Kanan beta.

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.LT

[Dad] I'm calling you, I'm calling you.

[Kanan] No, no. It's fine. No I already called you, it's fine.

[Kanan] Listen, I was just getting ready for the show.

I just wanted to know if it was okay if I did jokes about you guys.

I need your permission.

Don't sue me later then saying I didn't ask you.

[Mom] Ease your conscience, you got to ease your conscience.

[Kanan] Give me some tips before I go on stage tomorrow.

Like, what kind of stuff should I keep in mind?

[Mom] Talk slow, don't go so fast.

[Kanan] Hmm, talk slow. I'll remember that. Talk slow, not too fast.

[Mom] Remember, take your time.

[Kanan] Was it last week or two weeks ago

you were wearing two pairs of glasses on your head

and were looking for glasses?

[Mom] I was looking for my glasses when I had two on my head already.

[Kanan] Ah, okay. Did you find the third one?

Were you wearing all pairs of glasses at the same time?

[Mom] I didn't have a third one.

[laughs]

[Dad] I just now read a joke on WhatsApp about ladies, you know.

There's a lady beggar,

who's asking... that, "Please give me one rupee."

from a passer-by.

[Mom] She says, "I haven't eaten for three days."

Passer-by says, "What will you do with one rupee?

You haven't eaten for three days! What will you do with one rupee?"

She says, "I'll check my weight, I haven't eaten for three days,

how much have I lost?"

[Kanan laughs]

Alright guys, I got to go now.

[Mom] All the best.

[Kanan] Thank you.

[Mom] God bless.

Keep it real.

[Kanan] Keep it real, yes.

Alright, see you.

[Mom] Bye.

[Kanan] Bye.

Ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together

for Kanan Gill.

*audience cheering*

Good evening.

Hi.

Oh my God, thank you so much for coming out.

This is amazing.

Welcome to the Royal Opera House.

Established in 1912, did you know?

Yeah!

Same year the Titanic sank, coincidence?

Yes!

Some of these are just facts

before we start the show.

Also Naveen mention cameras, yeah don t worry about the cameras

but I do want to point out one interesting fact I learnt about one camera.

That camera right back there, it's called Nitin.

I don't know why.

The guy who is operating the camera, his name is Nitin.

Nitin is waving.

Nitin's camera, that is a RED Stormtrooper

and it was used to shoot two Michael Bay movies.

Yeah!

It's seen two Transformer movies and zero acting.

Isn't that insane?

Very well equipped for tonight's show.

I have also come with zero acting.

Ready to do it.

But I'm glad you guys have come out.

Let's start the show.

I hope you're having a good day also because I'm having a slightly weird day.

Because earlier today my dad called me

to tell me that he has sent me a WhatsApp.

He's just like, "Hi Kanan. I've sent you a photo.

Please look at the photo and call me back. Regards, Colonel Charanjeet."

All this is fine but the photo that he sent me is of my mother

who is holding an iPad...

on which is the actual photo...

that they wanted to send.

Mom and dad, looking at photos on the iPad,

"Uh! Hilarious!

Oh, we should send this to Kanan.

Alright, go stand over there."

By the way, these are two devices that can take pictures on their own.

Being used to cancel each other out.

It's like taking paint to make a painting of paint.

We've come full circle.

Now when this shit happens, you shouldn't say anything.

But I made a mistake. I was like, "Oh, you could've taken a screenshot."

Bad idea.

Because what is the next question,

"Really? How do you take a screenshot?"

You can't be impatient with your parents if you go like *tch*, they're like,

"We used to clean your potty, remember that?"

I'll explain.

So I told my mom, "You want to take a screenshot from the iPad, it's simple.

You press the home button and the lock button

at the same time and it takes a screenshot."

My mom is also proud.

She won't say she doesn't understand right away.

She'll say 'yeah' and then bring it back.

Like it's a new thing in the conversation.

I was like, "Home button, lock button."

She was like, "Yeah, obviously. I have an M. A."

After five minutes she'll be like, "Okay Kanan, this home button...

is which button?"

I'm like, "Ma, common mistake. There is only one button on the iPad.

It is that one."

She's like, "Yeah, obviously."

Five minutes later she's like,

"But I'm pressing this home button, but the screen is going off."

I was like, "Okay, my mistake.

There are two buttons on the iPad.

You press them at the same time, it takes a screenshot."

Then she asks something amazing.

"At the same time?

How does it know?"

I'm like, "I don't know how to answer

what you've just asked."

I don't think people working at Apple are like,

"Do we know how the iPad knows?

No? We should have faith?" - "Okay ma, please.

The iPad knows. It's a device that works on buttons.

It knows when you press them."

She's like, "Yeah, yeah! Obviously."

Five minutes later she's like,

"So now Kanan, I'm pressing this home button but the volume is going down."

I'm like, "Okay, there are many buttons on the iPad."

You know how they took the screenshot in the end?

My mom is holding one end of the iPad and my dad is holding the other end

and they go one, two, three...

Screenshot! Perfect.

I have a bad throat also.

And I was talking to my mom and I went...

*clears throat*

And that's the biggest mistake.

She was like, "Oho! Oho!"

Because only Indian mothers are like, health problems...

Sarcasm. I don't know why.

"Oh, drink more cold drinks."

I'm like, "First of all, cold drinks? That's what you think?

It's not 11 beers I had this morning?"

Because if your throat is bad, your mom is like, "Oh! Your throat is bad.

Simple. Take some turmeric and you rub it."

It doesn't matter where. You just rub it anywhere.

Call some friend and just rub some turmeric on them.

Just...

*blows*

Blow it into the area.

My mom is a little big on home remedies.

This is the best one she's given me.

My house is full of mosquitoes, she's like, "Ah! Super easy.

Just take one lemon.

Cut it in half then put clove inside the lemon, obviously.

And then leave it outside your house.

So when mosquitoes come to your house, they're like, "Oh, this guy is insane.

Let's just leave.

If this is outside his house...

what is inside his house?"

Inside I am on a chair with an open robe and chest hair like,

"Oh mosquito! You have come.

Rooh Afza? What can I get you?"

Now anytime it gets too much, I tell them to talk to my sister.

Yeah, I have an older sister who studied so I didn't have to.

It's just how it works.

No because most Indian families have one extra child.

And you know who you are.

Don't pretend.

Every family has one child that they like.

But one more, incase of emergencies.

I just want to do a little test here,

who are the first kids in the audience, first children make some noise.

*audience cheers*

Couple of you, alright.

Everyone else, look at these people.

Look at the lines in their face and the white in their hair.

Hopelessness in their eyes.

Because of all the pressure that's been put on them.

Because the first child

is the project.

They'll have their first kid and they're like,

"Oh my God. I will make you the best kid.

You must study medicine, engineering, Indian classical,

Western classical, Kathak, horse-riding...

You will play Casio keyboard with one finger, when guests come.

Ting ting ting, learn a new song."

First kids are always like this when people come to our house.

"Dance for uncle, dance for uncle."

"Why does uncle want to see me dancing?"

"Shut up. Don't ask questions, dance for uncle."

Then, people have one more kid.

And they'll tell the second kid...

"You do whatever you want.

See we tried this pressure thing, it doesn't work.

Now your sister is crazy."

And the sister is in the back with a textbook in her mouth going...

"Okay beta, okay.

No biting. We discussed.

Follow your dreams."

Some people have only one kid though. Who are the only children in the audience?

*audience cheers*

There are a few of you.

Well if you're the only child it's because your parents had you

and then realised that they don't like children.

"Can we give it back? No?

Alright, do arts.

Take some turmeric, take some...

Keep you in good health."

I was the second kid, so engineering.

Medicine, engineering, eh!

Order of kids.

Medicine and engineering were the popular professions

while I was growing up

and I know how we got through engineering.

I just really hope medicine is not done in the same way.

Final year, computer science practicals.

My friend asked me, "Psst! Kanan. How do you print?"

"How did you get to fourth year?"

Just hope that's not happening in medical colleges like,

"Yo! What is this?

It's a kidney?

Oh! There are two? That's very thoughtful."

Engineering college was alright because we had placement.

Companies used to come and give you jobs and take you to their companies.

It was like the arranged marriage of college. It was amazing.

First you got to go to the hostel, take someone's blazer, one black shoe,

one brown shoe and kind of stumble in.

You know how they show in soap operas,

they take that tray of tea and you take your resume like that,

"Hello sir.

I love you.

It's always been my passion to earn money."

And then they make you prepare for interviews.

"What is your biggest weakness?"

"Ha-ha! I work too hard. Obviously."

"Where do you see yourself in five years?"

"Here only. Why? Why would I leave?

At this spot I will stand."

"Why should we hire you?" - "You should know, I feel."

But they will always ask you that one question that comes out of nowhere.

Like I studied as much as I could for my exam, then I sat down.

And they were like, "Okay Kanan, looking at your resume. Very impressive.

Some turmeric here, weird.

So Kanan, our first question to you is what do you like to do in your free time?"

Because that's the moment you realise,

you don't do anything in your free time.

So you have to make up some cool activity on the spot.

"Sir, I? Mountain climbing.

Sir, I primarily climb mountains and play piano

and help black and white children.

As you can see from my cover photo on Facebook."

Because you can't tell them what you actually do in your free time.

"Actually sir, when Saturday comes, I lie on my bed

and I put a laptop on my chest and open it like this.

And one entire season of something I don't even want to see.

I keep chips here and I ply my face with chips,

watching episode after episode of some garbage.

And if the battery dies and I can't reach the charger, I'll just lie there.

Covered in chips.

Until I wake up on Monday and dust off the chips

and then lie on Facebook about my amazing weekend."

I did computer science and now I must fix computers.

I don't know why.

That's a logical conclusion.

My mom is like, "Someone's trying to hack my email."

I'm like, "No. Who wants Gulab Jamun recipes and baby pictures of me?

I'm not sure."

She's like, "The government."

I'm like, "Probably not."

But I make a lot of fun of my parents for being bad with technology.

I shouldn't because I don't even know how to drive.

It's true.

Last year at 27, I had to go to driving school.

Which is like regular school, except people teaching you, also not educated.

The driving instructors just burp dal in your face

which is supposed to teach you...

"Oh, that dal smell. Oh, wow!

Oh I have to..."

No, I went to a particularly hardcore driving school because

we had a mock test for a learner's license.

I'll tell you some of their questions.

Question one.

If a policeman stops you,

how... should you feel?

Multiple choice.

A, proud.

B, humiliated.

Or C, to correct behaviour in future.

How should you feel? To correct behaviour.

There is a feeling that starts with to.

"Kanan, how do you feel?"

"Sir, I am feeling to correct behaviour in future.

I to am feeling in future behaviour correct.

Future feeling in behaviour to I won't drive, I'm sorry."

This is only question one. It gets way better.

Because question two, I swear is...

There is a cow... Not if there is.

There is.

There was one when we wrote this question.

Still there.

Same cow.

There is a cow, how do you cross?

Full question.

At no point does it mention 'where' you are.

Or 'where' the cow is.

It was just, 'There is a cow'. How do you...you are in your office.

From your window you see.

There is a cow.

How do you... At night you are sleeping in your bed.

You feel some movement

next to you when suddenly...

Ah! There is a cow.

How do you cross?

If I had to come up with a tagline for India, that would be it.

You are on one side of the road, on the other side is progress.

But in the middle, there is a cow.

How do you cross?

Also multiple choice, by the way.

Front of cow, behind the cow, U-turn.

I wrote option D. Worship cow, escape.

People tell me all the time that,

"Kanan, don't make fun of cow. Cow gives milk."

I don't think so.

I think we take milk, slightly more accurate.

Will a cow show up to your house, "Hi. Nandini.

I just checked your fridge and you are out of milk. So can I help you out?

A little bit?

I put some turmeric in it?

Good for your throat."

One of my friends actually hit a cow with his bike

and then had to run for his own life.

Because hitting a cow in India is super illegal in most places.

However, I don't know if you know.

Eating beef is not illegal.

Yeah! Killing a cow, illegal.

Eating beef, not illegal.

So if you want to legally eat beef,

you have to somehow convince a cow

to kill itself

which is easier said than done.

How do you do this? Well, first make sure there is a cow.

Do not cross.

Gingerly approach cow.

Say negative existential shit to the cow.

"Hey man.

You think people are just using you?

You know these guys only want one thing, right?

Dairy products.

Anyway bye."

The reason that cow slaughter can actually be banned

is that it's in the constitution and I just found out about this.

There is actually something in the constitution called the

Directive Principles of State Policy.

It has things that the government should keep in mind

while framing new laws and also recipes for Gulab Jamun.

Taken from Kanan's mom. Oh my God, she was right.

The Directive Principles have stuff that the state is supposed to keep in mind

while framing new laws but we've been kind of selective

about which ones we've kind of implemented.

Because if the people who wrote the Directive Principles came back now.

They'll be like,

"Hey! Government, how are you doing with the Directive Principles?"

"Fucking great, dude."

"Alright, have you uplifted scheduled caste

and scheduled tribes so they don't need reservation anymore?"

"Pass."

"Well, have you solved social inequality? People aren't so poor anymore?"

"Well, we've actually changed the definition of poverty.

Got you there."

"Okay well, what have you done?"

"Dude, someone kills a cow, we'll fuck them.

Priorities."

One of the Directive Principles actually states that

the state shall endeavour to provide agriculture,

animal husbandry and also stop cow slaughter.

The cow slaughter part seems to come from nowhere.

So the only way that makes sense to me is that

when they were writing it, there was a cow in the meeting.

Now obviously, everybody's very tired at this point,

they just wrote a constitution, they're like,

"Guys, we got agriculture, animal husbandry, any ideas, any one?"

"Hi.

Nandini.

From the previous joke.

How about you stop cow slaughter also?"

"Yeah fine Nandini, whatever."

There are some animals that we are not okay with killing anywhere.

Like there is a thing called Yulin dog festival which happened in China.

Which everybody was super mad about it for one week, two years ago.

Never again after that. Still happens every year. But thanks.

What they do in the Yulin dog festival is that they eat dogs

and everybody's outraged,

"How can you eat dogs? But we eat everything else."

So how does it make sense?

Well, I've figured it out audience. Thanks for asking.

You only feel bad when you kill animals that can do shake hands.

This is the rule.

Animal comes and introduces himself, can't kill you now.

You are an acquaintance.

If you want to stop animal slaughter just teach other animals

how to do shake hands.

"Did you kill that chicken?"

"Actually his name is Rakesh. And I have invited him for dinner."

Rakesh is like, "Hi, nice to meet you. Hi. Lovely place you have.

Oh my God."

The only reason I know any of that law stuff is because

my girlfriend is a lawyer and she tells me.

[audience] Whoo! Thanks.

[audience] Aww!

She also tells me that she loves me.

She also tells me that I love her.

Interesting.

Before I met my girlfriend, I didn't even know what love was.

And I still don't.

But I'm beginning to get it slightly

because I feel like every relationship

is like a delicately balanced game of Jenga.

And the longer you've been dating, the higher that pile is.

But when you fight, you start pulling stuff out.

That's a dangerous game because when a fight starts,

it's always about what has just happened.

Like, "Hey, how could you just say that?"

"Umm, well because two weeks ago, remember this statement?"

"Oh! We're playing the remembering game?

Six months ago, in front of your friends."

"Well, how about eight years ago, sixteen years ago, before you were born."

And when you run out of logic, "You know what? Fuck you."

Because fights start with logic and reason but end with fuck you.

That's what is left.

When my friends fight with me, that's always step one.

They're like, "Kanan, we have a problem with you."

And I'm like, "Hey, fuck you then."

"Why don't you fuck you, right there?"

But when I fight with my girlfriend, it's different.

Because she is saying stuff to me, she is mad at me, I feel that fuck you.

Coming from deep inside.

Like acidity.

Burning.

She is saying stuff and I'm like, "You wait...

You wait for this fuck you."

And she'll be like...

Rises slowly in my throat...

It comes till here but then sorry comes out.

Which is weird. No, I mean fuck you.

I mean fuck you but I'm saying sorry

because that's what love is.

It's a series of sorrys that mean fuck you.

Then you die.

She tells me all the time, she's like,

"Kanan, why can't you just tell me what you think?"

Because then you would leave me.

You have no idea.

Let's just keep it that way.

When you start getting in a relationship that's the worry.

Don't leave me, don't leave me.

But real love is,

where will you go?

Come back here, what?

You date for long enough, you become co-dependent.

You go from two separate interesting people and you become one boring person.

Because your personalities cancel out.

Loves to travel, plus hates to travel, equals...

travels sometimes angrily.

"I love Morocco. Thanks for bringing me."

But still we have different interests and I respect that.

She loves travelling, I hate it. I love metal, love metal.

Grew up listening to metal.

She won't listen.

Two years, I've been trying to show her one metal documentary.

It's 55 minutes long. She won't fucking watch it.

Tried setting up situations like, "Hey, you want to watch it?"

She's like, "No, I am sleepy."

Some bullshit.

So we have decided.

We need to take an interest in each other's things

and the way we do that is if one person has to make the other person

do something they don't want, it must be a trap.

I'll give you an example of a really good trap.

One day she was like, "You want to come for my friend's wedding in a month?"

I was like, "Of course. Why not?"

No, radio silence on that for one month.

The day before the wedding, she's like, "Hey, by the way

it's in Nepal."

"Well played."

It's not like we don't do anything together.

We recently went out for something called handwriting analysis.

That guy looked at my handwriting, he's like,

"Oh, sir. You're very gullible."

I was like, "How do you know that?"

"Because you came here."

You learn stuff also when you're in a relationship.

Like I learnt I had blackheads.

Didn't even know what blackheads were but now I know.

They exist, I have them.

If you don't know what blackheads are,

they are small black things on your nose

that only women can see.

And depending on how much they like you, they'll put you in a headlock and...

Remove them.

This is basically an act of marking territory.

Some other girl sees you in a bar and she's like, "Hey! What a cute guy!

Oh, shit. Smooth nose.

This guy is in a relationship."

And I've been fighting with her too much I think.

You realise you're fighting with someone too much,

when you start getting auto-corrected to Caps Lock.

I send her a text message, "Why did you, did you mean... WHY DID YOU?"

Really important. Not to fuck up on text message

because our whole personalities have to be expressed through text now.

It's important.

Typos have huge consequences.

Have you ever sent someone, 'Hahahahgaga'?

'Hahahajhaghajhaaj.'

Then you have to be like, "Wow! I just misspelled laughing.

I need to start a new life."

I was not good with girls at all though when I was in school

because I used to be a fat kid with low self esteem.

I only got into one fight, it was a weird one

because I got called to the fight by saying,

"If you've had your mother's milk, come outside."

Very filmy.

"If you've had your mother's milk, come outside."

I was like first of all, we're already outside.

And secondly, have you had your mother's milk?

Yes of course.

But the real question is, how recently?

Kind of changes the dynamics of the fight.

When you're fighting with someone, "Have you had your mother's milk?"

Yes of course. And just this morning in fact.

Have you? You should try, it's great."

Like, "No thanks. I don't want to fight with you."

I also did some really dumb shit when I was in school.

I was in sixth, I remember the September eleventh attacks happened.

Everybody's like 9/11, you know about 9/11?

And September eleventh is 11/9.

So I thought 9/11 must mean something else.

So I thought it was a fraction.

No, on a scale of terrorist attacks,

with zero being the lowest and eleven the highest,

this got nine.

That's pretty harsh.

Feel like they tried.

10/11, let's compromise. 10/11.

Same year, July seventh attacks in London.

They were like 7/7 attacks, I was like, "Good, full marks. Well done.

But for me this is a 4/7 at best."

But then later in India, we had 26/11.

I was like, "This is much worse. There is a remainder."

You guys can probably guess why I wasn't very popular.

Wasn't just me, though.

I was part of the whole group of unpopularity.

Like I was short and fat, one guy was like tall and skinny.

One guy had like no eye or three eyes,

something was weird with his eyes.

One guy was attractive though.

But everyday we told him he was ugly.

So he wouldn't leave the group.

Every morning, "You know you're ugly, right?

Just checking with you."

Give you an example, all of us had this same middle parting.

Together we looked like eagles in a sunset.

We had dreams though.

One day in eighth standard, one of my friends, that eye guy...

came up to me and he was like, "Guys, we've got condoms for all of us."

We were like, "Why?"

"For protection."

"Against what?"

We were not having sex in school.

The only way we would've got laid in school

is if we all fucked each other.

I'd be lying to you if I said we didn't seriously consider it.

At some point, one of those lonely video game nights...

Times are tough.

I was also very scared in school.

I had only one fear as a child that has lasted with me till adulthood.

That is the fear of monkeys.

Because when I was a kid, I was at a wedding and I saw a monkey slap a child.

There was this kid eating ice-cream,

there was a monkey on a tree, he was like...

Monkey came down, took the ice-cream,

slapped the kid and then just walked away.

Two of the worst things that can happen to a kid...

were introduced to him conceptually.

By a monkey.

They're fucking terrible.

And mom told me, how to get to rid of monkeys.

She was like, "Don't try it on your own.

Monkeys are not scared of kids, monkeys are scared of men."

My dad used to come home in the evening and be like, "Hey, monkey!

Hatt!"

Monkeys would freak out. They'll be like, "Oh, shit he's back."

Always remembered that.

Fast forward.

One day, when I was 16.

Now 16 is a tough age for boys.

Because 16 is when girls become women

but boys just become larger boys.

With deep voices, muscles and the ability to damage public property.

No intelligence but full enthusiasm.

Sixteen year old boys are just standing on the road going...

Just hoping someone...

Gives you some activity...

This is why I love metal because you know other people are also angry.

"Yeah? Oh amazing!"

Sixteen year old boys are a dangerous group of people.

They are going out in public and these guys are showing their dicks to people.

Because they think the reason women aren't having sex with them

is that they don't know that they have one.

A girl will be walking by, "Oh, shit. Why didn't you tell me earlier?

Come, come. Let's save us both some time."

Idiots.

Stupid 16 year old boys, I'm trying to say.

This is the dumbest shit I have ever done in my life as a 16 year old boy.

Standing on the road...

One of my friend comes to me, he's like, "Hey, Kanan. You want to do drugs?"

And I had never done drugs.

I had no idea what drugs were also.

My only understanding of drugs was from Bollywood movies

where they have this one plastic packet with two disprins and talcum powder.

"Drugs! This is drugs."

And policemen in movies are always tasting drugs.

They're always opening...

"Ah heroin.

Cocaine.

What's this? Turmeric? Weird.

Wow, my throat feels better."

I don't know, they always know immediately what it is also.

It takes me two minutes to figure out what Maggi flavour I am eating.

But cops are like, "Ah! Opium. Obviously."

"What is this one? Poison?

Maybe we shouldn't taste everything."

I was standing on the road...

He's like, "You want to do drugs?"

I was like, "Of course."

We go, he takes me to a chemist.

And he buys muscle relaxants

for menstrual cramps.

Now neither me nor that guy

were having our period that day.

But what happens when you eat muscle relaxants

and there are no muscles to relax.

You just generally become loose.

I can't tell you the value of this feeling for someone who is just...

Fuhhh!

Both of us are just enjoying blowing like tumbleweeds like aah!

This is the best.

So then we Hrithik Roshaned around town for a while.

This was first mistake.

Second mistake, that same friend was like,

"Hey, you want to do some more drugs?"

And this is a critical error.

Because if you are ever high, never make new plans.

Always stick with existing plans.

Because your new plans are just going to be ways of dying.

Because he was like, "You want to do more drugs?"

I was like, "Of course, bro."

Took me to some guy's house, we went over.

That guy gave me a pipe, he was like, "Smoke this."

I was like, "Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening.

Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening."

You know I wish someone had told me that

before something happens, you have to wait.

Because after taking nine thousand drags, I was like,

"You are wasting my time."

And I gave it back to him.

And then I turned my head but the world was still here.

Now reality is catching up slightly after my vision.

I'm turning, ah here.

Ah, here.

And I am freaking out. I was like, "Is this bad graphics?

Is this not for PS4?"

And now I am freaking out but we are relaxed at the same time.

It's a very difficult emotion.

"Is this normal?

Is this what drugs is?"

And when you freak out, that much paranoia begins to set in.

And the three of us with the three different kinds of paranoid.

One guy was like, "My mom knows. I think my mom knows."

One guy was like, "The police knows? I think the police knows."

And I was the worst kind of paranoia which is...

[Whispers] Everybody knows.

Knows what?

Something.

Everybody knows.

So I'll be like, "No man. We can't stay here.

Everybody knows, we have to leave.

We have to go somewhere else.

Come to my house, nobody knows there."

We went there.

And to calm everybody down, I was like, "Sit down."

So I sat in the couch here, my friend sat next to me.

The third guy was standing

because he's forgotten how to sit.

"How are you guys doing this?"

"Just sit, man."

"No, there are too many muscles involved.

I never realised how complicated his was.

Until now."

We're just trying to be calm.

Then I heard a weird noise.

Coming from the kitchen.

I was like, "Did you guys hear that?"

They were like...

I will investigate independently.

This noise is coming from...

I went to the kitchen and it's coming from the centre of my kitchen

where is seated a 'child slapping, ice-cream stealing monkey'.

Eating dal.

Like raw dal.

I didn't even know you could do that.

Dude I've wasted so much time cooking dal.

I saw it first and I started panicking.

But then I remembered my mom told me, monkeys are scared of men.

At 16 I was like, what a coincidence.

Guess who's a man?

So I tried my dad's strategy.

I was like, "Monkey!

Hatt!

I guess."

Monkey continued to sit there, did not even move.

Turned his head to me and then raised an eyebrow.

As if to say, "Seriously?"

Then I'm just standing there.

Because this was my whole plan.

My mom never said what to do if the monkey does not think you're a man.

So then I burst into tears.

Thinking if the monkey becomes uncomfortable.

Maybe he leaves, "Yuck!"

It wouldn't go. Just kept sitting there.

So I was like I have to pull out the real guns.

My maid.

Went into the other room where she was. I was like,

"Didi, there's a monkey."

I just went to sleep.

Woke up six hours later.

Monkey's gone, friends gone, maid gone.

And I was like, this situation got sorted.

But I decided that day, I'm never doing drugs again in my life.

But I felt like I needed to apologise to my maid.

So when she came the next day, I was like,

"Didi, sorry about yesterday.

And thanks for getting rid of the monkey."

And she's like, "What monkey?"

"There was a monkey right?"

She was like, "There was no monkey.

Were you high or something?"

I was like, "Everybody knows. Everybody knows."

"Knows what?"

"Something. Doesn't matter what."

That actually was the last time that I cried.

Yeah, eleven years ago.

I've only cried once since then

but that's because someone kicked me in the balls.

It doesn't really count.

I feel and I want to cry because crying is important.

It's like taking a shit for you heart, right.

Ah!

It's a reset button for your emotions. It's important.

And if you can't cry,

just fucking keep penting it up

and then one day you have an aneurysm and you die.

I don't want to go like that.

So this year, I was like, I am going to cry.

2017, year of crying.

So one week I took out my phone and I was like,

"Bro this week open Google Calendar, Friday.

Crying.

All day event."

People call me up and, "Hey, you can do a show on Friday?"

"No bro, crying that day."

When Friday came, I was excited.

Because finally I get to do the thing.

I kept an entire day apart.

So I was like Friday came, how do you do this.

Then I went to my bathroom.

I've seen movies, people cry in bathrooms.

I took out my clothes also.

Extra sad.

if you're naked on your bathroom floor.

I am trying to think of sad stuff

but all the sad stuff I'm thinking about is just making me happy.

I'm like, "What if I died?

Then everyone would be sad.

Yeah!"

I did this for eight hours.

And then I realised I've just been sitting naked on my floor

thinking about my death for eight hours and I'm feeling happy.

What an idiot you are Kanan.

I went out in the evening and I was extra mad at myself

I was like... piece of shit.

Can't do anything, can't even cry. You loser.

One of my friend saw me, he was like, "Kanan, what's wrong?"

"Dude, I've been trying to cry. I can't cry."

He's like, "Why didn't you ask me? I'm a theatre actor.

I can cry anytime.

See?"

I was like, "Can you teach me?"

He was like, "Of course. Come to my house next Friday.

I'll teach you how to cry."

"Okay.

Next Friday. Crying.

Ten to six."

"Are you doing an event this Friday?"

"Yeah, after six o'clock."

"Why not before?" - "I'm crying."

"How much do you cry?" - "Why don't you shut the fuck up?"

Next Friday came, excited.

Go to that guy's house, I was like, "I'm ready to cry, man."

He's like, "This is how this will work.

I'm going to tell you a sad story from my life.

And saying the story, I'm going to cry.

And then because of empathy, you will also cry."

And that day I learnt,

that I am a horrible person.

Because he is telling me the story,

it's the funniest story I've ever heard.

In my life.

It starts like, "So my grand mom, okay."

I was like, "Okay."

"She was 97. Okay."

Can you not do the breathing thing.

"Then she got cancer. Okay."

I was like, "That's pretty rough, dude. Cancer at 97."

"Then they cured her cancer."

Where is this story going?

"Then outside she got hit by a car."

[bursts out laughing]

Problem was, I wanted to do... Inside.

When instead on my face I did...

And then he kicked me in the balls and I cried.

I don't know man.

There's all this stuff in society about how boys are not supposed to cry.

Men don't cry, real men have no pain.

I don't get it.

But the thing we're trying to hold on to an outdated idea of what being a man is.

Because... I am sorry I have to wipe my face.

This is a subtle cue we have.

I'll wipe my hair? I can't wipe my hair dude.

It's okay, the jig is up. They know you're there, Vipul.

What do you have to do.

Here's the thing, when you shoot on Michael Bay cameras,

if you look slightly fuck all, you look extremely fuck all.

Is this continuity right?

Where was I standing?

Is this the position I was in?

Thanks bro. I love you too.

What the fuck was I saying?

This other stuff.

The stuff in society about how boys don't cry.

I think you're trying to hold on to an outdated idea of masculinity.

That's what I think.

Because men are supposed to fight wars and kill animals.

Now we just kind of hangout.

"I go for MMA class, you want to come?

Lot of wrestling. No?"

Because as men, we feel manliest when we are helping women.

Problem is, women don't need help with shit anymore.

And it's really pissing me off.

You know I go to my kitchen and I close all the jars extra tight.

So only I can open them.

She comes, she's like, "Can you open this?"

I'm like, "Of course.

I'm going to take a nap."

I don't know.

There is something that makes all men think.

That we have a vigilante inside us.

Every time guys read an article about some crime that happened,

they'll be like, "If I was there.

None of this shit would've happened.

You think would've been there,

your friends in a conveniently situated nearby

Scorpio with hockey sticks like this,

"Any trouble?"

"No trouble guys, I got this.

I will handle this with my tube light."

And because Bollywood movies have told us

that there will be a time in every man's life

where some woman will be in trouble,

you will get to save her and then she will fall in love with you.

Movies I watched when I was growing up had this one scene.

A girl walking home from college with her books and she's like...

"Oh no street lights, I'll walk there.

What is this? Murder road? Interesting name."

That's when some rowdy comes and he starts pulling her books.

She's like, "No, no. Rowdy brother, please. I just got this xeroxed.

He took my xerox."

That's when you happen to be passing by on your motorcycle like, "What's this?

Is there some respect problems?

In the house?"

And you get off your bike with one foot because you're cool.

You're like, "Hey, rowdy!

Hatt!"

And he freaks out and runs away.

Go up to the lady who's got one hair in front of her face and I'm like,

"Sssh! Sssh!

Sssh! Sssh!

Sssh! Sssh!"

Sssh! Sssh!"

She's like, "I'm not saying anything."

"Sssh! Sssh!

Sssh!

Come, come with me."

"Where are we going?" - "My house."

"Where?" - "We're getting married, what you thought?"

What is the moral?

It's a horrible reason to do good things?

Look I had a chance to be a vigilante once in my life.

It just didn't work out the way I thought.

This happened in Bangalore, a little while ago.

It was two o'clock in the morning, I was riding my bike.

I have an Activa by the way.

I know it's cool, you can calm down.

It's white.

I don't have any stickers on it like God's gift.

No fear, chinnu.

I'm on my bike, 2 am, blazing through the streets, okay?

35-36 kmph.

People are like, "Slow down."

Then from the other side of the road, I heard someone saying,

"Oye!

Stop!"

And I'm so dumb.

I was like, "Yes?"

That's like if you go on a hunting trip

and you're hunting pigeons, you say, "Excuse me."

Pigeons are like, "Yes?

Oh! You shot me, what a clever strategy asking politely."

I turn around and I see two men on a bike.

The guy in the front is wearing a mask and the guy in the back is swinging a sword.

I looked, I was like, "Guess I should not stop."

So then I accelerated on my Activa.

Hitting mind-blowing speeds of 39, 40, 41, bro!

How fast!

They caught up with me in two seconds.

Stopped the bike in front of mine.

Guy was like,

"We're going to murder you. We're going to murder you.

We will murder you today."

I was like, "Sir, you have not asked for anything.

Is it just a casual murder?

You guys just murder people? What's the deal?"

And he was like, "Take out everything. Take out everything.

Give me everything."

I was like okay.

This is the point when my friends should've come with a Scorpio.

Or I should've shown them how amazing drop kick I've been practising.

Nope.

I was like, "Of course. All these stuff is for you to steal.

Please take it."

Then something weird happened

because the guy was riding the bike, turns out to be nice.

Because he turns back and says, "Hey listen.

Take out his money but give him back the wallet."

Is this some good robber, bad robber strategy I don't know about?

But the guy in the back was not even listening

because he is going through my wallet.

In my wallet he finds a condom.

And he starts making fun of me.

"You stud."

I was like, "You remember you're robbing me, right?"

He's like...

And the condom is only there in my wallet because

I found it the day before that in a first-aid kit.

And I was like what a funny thing to have in a first-aid kit?

No, like what injury?

Oh, his arm is bleeding?

Well, let's just put a condom on it.

Beta, come here.

Full body protection.

I'll put turmeric on you.

And they took all my stuff and they went.

But they left my Activa.

I was like, "You come back and take this bike.

This is good enough to be robbed, sir."

No but they just left and took my keys.

So then I'm left with nothing except one Activa, 3 am.

Standing on the road.

So then I have to push my Activa,

by the way, the only thing lamer than riding an Activa.

Pushing one.

To the police station

and this happened in Bangalore,

language they speak in Bangalore, Kannada.

My Kannada, not so hot.

Language at this police station, none I was ever familiar with.

Because I'm trying every language I know, the guy is not understanding.

I was like, "Sir, I've just been robbed."

He's like, "Eh?"

"Sir, I've just been mugged."

"Eh?"

"Sir, my things were stolen."

"Eh?"

And nothing worked until I said

'rabbery'.

Which is the word 'robbery' in a racist South Indian accent.

Because I said rabbery, he's like, "Rabbery?

Hey, why you didn't say before, man?

Wasting my time talking about mugs."

And he was like, "Come, let's go back to the scene of the crime."

I was like, "This will be fun."

Because we get to the scene of the crime, still don't have a common language.

So then I'm acting out.

What has just happened.

"Okay sir, come tomorrow so we can identify criminals."

Now this part was exciting.

Because I have seen CSI: Miami.

I know how it works.

You have a glass box, criminals are in a height order.

Not so.

At this police station.

Because I went there, they gave me three books.

Labelled, 'rabbery, extortion, kidnapping'.

2006, 2007, 2008.

After which no crimes have taken place.

Just those three years were bad, after that...

And he was like, "What does the suspect look like?"

I was like, "Sir, I don't remember."

He was like, "Tell no."

"It's not a fucking romantic comedy.

I'm not hiding it from you.

Tell no, oh okay fine."

And also what did he looked like?

He looked like the sharp blade he was about to kill me with.

I'm not going to stop the robbery, "Sir, please stop one second.

Okay, he has brown eyes. Black shirt. Look of wanton desperation."

So he's just like try to find someone in these books.

I was like, okay fine.

I am going through these books.

This is like Facebook for criminals, by the way.

Everybody has like profile pic.

Name, crimes, accomplices.

And my big game is I try to find people who know each other in the book.

So I find like Mohan, commonly associates with Vijay.

Alright. Couple of pages later.

Vijay known associates. Mohan. Oh my God.

And what is their crime?

Rabbery of lonely walkers.

Not people walking alone.

Lonely.

Mohan and Vijay, get on a bike.

They go around streets of Bangalore.

They find a group of people and they're like, "Excuse me.

You group of people.

Have you heard Boulevard of Broken dreams?

Give me your chain lonely.

More lonely walkers rabbed.

It's what we live for, Vijay." - "Thanks, Mohan."

I didn't tell my parents about this.

Look, if you're worried about something and you tell your parents,

they will worry more than you about the same thing.

So then you are consoling them and then what is even happening.

This is the primary reason it's difficult to talk to your parents

because you have to present them an alternate version of your life.

When they ask you, "Beta, what's happening?"

You're like okay, let's take out drinking,

let's take out partying, let's take out relationships.

"Beta, what's happening?"

"It's raining."

Mostly rains.

So I didn't tell my mom about...

I didn't tell my parents that I got mugged.

But an article came in the newspaper.

It said, "Rabbery in M.G. Road.

Kanan Gill, rabbed.

Terrible tragedy."

They didn't ask my profession.

So they wrote, he is a software engineer

because backpack, Activa, what else.

He is a software engineer.

This article came out in the newspaper, somebody uploaded it on the internet.

My mom saw it.

Then she called me. She was like, "Kanan, what is happening? "

I was like, "It's raining."

"Shut up."

I can't believe you didn't tell me."

I was like, "Yeah. I am sorry."

She was like, "You know we can talk about some stuff, right?"

I was like, "Okay. I'm sorry."

She's like, "Are you okay?"

I'm like, "Yes I am."

"You sure?" - "Yes."

"Are you in software again?" - "No."

"What else is happening?" - "It's raining."

"Okay beta, so this article...

that came out in the newspaper.

I want to take a printout.

How do you take a printout?"

The only other person that concerned about me was my girlfriend,

who was like, "You must have trauma."

I was like, "No."

She was like, "No, you must.

I can cure your trauma."

I was like, "Okay, what should we do?"

She's like, "We should really go on a trip."

"Okay."

"Is that okay?"

"Yeah, okay.

But I will plan the trip."

She's like, "Yeah! That's fine."

Found a place, romantic place.

Middle of the forest, no pucca roads, no electricity, no cellphone reception.

No activities, no clubhouse, no pool.

Just the place.

And we go there and she's like, "Wow! What a lovely place.

I love this place."

I was like, "What's the view like?"

She's like,

"Wow! There is a cow."

I was like, "Don't worry, we don't have to cross."

"Should I close the windows? There are mosquitoes."

"No, just take this lemon."

So she's like, "Kanan, what do you want to do now?"

I was like, "Why don't you decide?"

She said, "Okay. Want to go to the pool?"

"No pool."

"We'll go to the spa?"

"There's no spa."

"Should we go for a walk?"

"No, there are snakes."

She's like, "Okay so what should we do?"

I was like, "Well, here is a metal documentary."

Ladies and gentlemen, that was the show.

Thank you guys so much.

You've been amazing.

Please give yourselves a round of applause.

Thank you so much.

[Audience] Once more.

[Audience] More.

*crowd cheering*

Okay one more story I'll tell you.

This is an earlier story.

I used to do a lot of comedy here in Bombay,

I used to live in Bangalore that time.

And I had to come from Bangalore to Bombay a lot.

And I didn't have any money, so I had to take a bus.

The bus I used to travel by was called, I swear, GP travels.

The name of the bus, but it was spelt 'G-E-E-P-E-E'.

Travels. Like they first made a short form then they were like,

"This might be too short.

People will say GP travels.

Unless we add vowels."

And on the bus it says, recognised by the Indian government.

Wow!

I don't know what value this has for a bus.

The bus is going, the government is like, "I think that's a bus."

"Very well recognised government. Thank you.

Some turmeric too."

Now bus travel is hard because before you get on the bus,

you have to have a conversation with your stomach.

Because you're like, "Listen bro.

I know we don't always get along

but do not let me down."

Because no one wants to be the person who makes the bus stop for them alone.

No one wants to be that person.

Because first you have to do your walk of shame from the back of the bus.

"Excuse me, excuse me.

Can you move your child? Thank you."

You get up to the front of the bus.

And you want to be cool, you don't want to anyone to know.

So you whisper.

[Whispers] Sir, I want to go to the bathroom.

Bus driver, not savvy with your plans.

He's like, "There's no bathroom here.

[Whispers] Latrine.

[Whispers] Sandas, which word?

"Alright, number one or number two?"

[Whispers] Just fucking stop the bus.

Then you get out of the bus.

As a guy there is one more obstacle.

Because you're on a two-way highway.

So which way...

do you face?

Who gets to see...

the family jewels?

Oncoming traffic?

Or do you face a forest?

Where there is a cow.

Not like this.

Not like this.

Women don't have this problem because you get off the bus

with eight other girls and do this formation from the movie 300.

No one can see.

But if you can hold it, the bus will stop every 100 kilometres or so.

In a place called something Sagar.

Is the name of this place.

Here they have an Indian style toilet.

All of you are smart, you know how Indian style toilets work. I'll still explain.

It's basically a hole in the ground.

You shit inside it.

See this is the part most people get wrong.

Because when I go to a bathroom, I don't want to see failed attempts.

I want to see people who nailed it.

Who have aim and accuracy both.

Because sometimes you just walk into the bathroom and you wonder what happened here?

Why is there stuff on the walls?

Do I have to solve this? Are these puzzle pieces?

Oh numbers.

So you shit inside it.

And you pull a flush.

Then it disappears.

And no one knows you were ever there.

But in something Sagar, Indian style toilet, no running water.

So there if you shit, it stays.

Like a Hershey's kiss chocolate.

It remains.

That's not the worst part.

Worst part, when someone comes after you, they have to go on top of that.

So by the end of the day you have like this

cassata ice cream of different colours and textures.

Gradually rising in height... piece of almond?

And you have to navigate around it

when you go with one foot on either wall like Jet Li.

Core muscles.

I believe in me.

I was travelling with a friend once.

She came out of the bathroom and she was crying.

Now this only happens to women.

I can say conclusively.

Because as a man, I can enter every bathroom with complete confidence.

Whatever is inside, I can pee on it.

Walk inside, dead body, no problem.

Let's go.

But girls are always asking the girl who just came out before them,

"Excuse me, is it clean?

I can't go if it's not clean.

Is it clean?

It's clean right?

It's clean?"

It's clean?"

The girl coming out is like, "It used to be."

So my friend came out of the bathroom,

she's crying and I asked her, "What happened?"

She's like, "I dropped my phone."

Yeah and then she looks at me like I'm supposed to handle this somehow.

She's like, "I've dropped my phone, Kanan."

Okay Kanan, wanted to help women so badly?

This is your shot man.

I was like, "Okay, step aside."

Walked into the bathroom...

to see the biggest cassatta I'd ever seen in my life

with a Blackberry on top.

No no, the phone.

I am looking at this thing at eye level.

It spoke to me, it was like, "Good evening.

I have been here for many years.

Hatt!"

That's my time guys.

Thank you so much.

Have a good night.

You guys have been fantastic.

This was the special.

The special is over.