Original subtitles

Later on, Tunesmith Neil Sadaka

will be dropping by to share his recipe

for delicious potato latkes, a traditional Hanukkah treat.

Cuz you know, it's not just Christmas.

No, it's not, is it?

Oh, and there's more holiday hijinks to come.

You know, Kristy, the holidays seem

to bring out the best in everyone.

Excuse me. Do you think you could move in, sir?

Because I certainly can't, this is a solid mass here.

Thank you.

Thar she blows.

Hey, Jude, Merry Christmas.

Don't even try to pull that cheery shit with me.

I've got an eight pound baby dancing on my bladder.

Well, you look great.

- You're actually glowing. - You know why?

Because I'm hot.

It's two degrees out and I'm hot.

I am like a fucking toaster oven.

And the baby isn't even due for three more weeks.

Three weeks until the arrival of the amazing Richard Stone baby.

That's what they're all calling it, you know that?

The Richard Stone baby. What am I, a fleece?

Are you allowed to drink yet?

I'm sorry, I'm just... huge and hormonal.

I don't suppose you'd like to take a drive to the country with me tomorrow.

I think not.

I'll be good, I promise. Come on.

It'll be great to spend some time together before the baby comes.

You know, just the two of us.

That does sound kind of nice. What's in the country?

Oh, some Amish village is supposed to present Richard

with this giant quilt they made for the baby.

- And where's Richard? - He's stuck in Rome.

Apparently his buddy, the Pope, wants him to do

a Christmas Mass with him this year.

You know, sort of like a-- a co-host.

And so you thought of me. Well, I'm afraid I can't.

I have a lot of work to do before the holiday.

Okay. No problem.

- I'll just go alone. - Fine.

Excuse me. Could we have some bread, please?

Some of us are here to eat. Thank you.

What do you think the woman of today needs most

in dealing with the problems of motherhood?

A bottle of whiskey and a psychiatrist.

[dramatic action music plays

Hang on. We're going to hit.

Bullseye!

What the hell?

Isn't it great?

I got it as a stocking stuffer for my nephew, Pete.

It was either this or a little tank

that shoots plastic pellets that could take your eye out.

But Petey's only got one eye, so I thought, "Ooh, better not."

What a lovely Christmas story.

Speaking of which, I got this great idea for a Christmas book for kids.

It's the story of the birth of Christ, only it's all told with cows.

- Cows? - It's "udderly" mad.

Sure. Kids love cows. It's the same story.

Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the whole schmear.

Only in a cow kind of way.

Believe me, after 12 years of Catholic school,

anything you could do to spice up the material couldn't hurt.

- Oh, that sounds... - Moo.

...fascinating.

I just have a couple of questions

about the whole cow concept.

Such as?

Well, when they say, "no room for them" at the inn,

won't it seem like maybe it's because of their cows?

When they have to sleep in a manger, doesn't that sort of make sense?

Considering that they're cows and the wise men,

- how wise can a bunch of-- - Okay, okay. I hear you.

You know, I get so few ideas.

You can at least pretend to be interested.

Great!

That is just great.

- I hope you're happy. - Shh.

Don't move.

- What, what, what is it? - It's Mary.

- Mary who? - The Virgin Mary.

In the cracks.

Have you seen it? Have you seen it?

- Seen what? - It's marvelous.

It's marvelous. I can't believe it.

I sort of see a rabbit.

You know what I heard?

After Lyle Schwartz's party,

Ashley Clinger and Brian Sericino did it.

No way.

They've only been going out for like three weeks.

That's totally pathetic.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought.

So, do you think you could ever see us...

- Doing it? - No.

No, it's not what I was thinking.

But it is an interesting question, though.

Well, actually, it was supposed to be a surprise,

but that was going to be your Christmas present.

Wow.

- Yeah. - I only got you a sweater.

I've kind of wanted to for a long time,

but then I thought, you know, Christmas would be more special.

Sure, sure. We're talking this Christmas, right?

Yeah, I was thinking maybe Christmas Eve,

like tomorrow night?

I'm free.

Oh, yummy, yummy.

These potato latkes are so delicious.

They almost make you wish that you were Jewish.

Join us tomorrow for more holiday fun and surprises.

- Bye-bye, everybody. - Bye-bye. We'll see you tomorrow.

And we're clear.

If anybody cares,

I have got latke grease all over my fingers.

Come and get Kristy a towel.

- Hello? - Hey, bud.

How would you like to go out with an incredibly attractive dental technician?

Who you're not going out with because...

I subsequently made a date

with an even more attractive lingerie model.

Trading up again, huh, Eddie? How do you sleep at night?

Not alone. I'll tell you that.

Come on, man. Help me out here.

- Hey, it's tomorrow. - Well, see, there you go.

- I already have a date tomorrow night. - With?

Remember I told you about that wrong number from Texas?

Who, the phone sex lady?

Well, I like to think it's gone a bit beyond that,

but yes, Marybeth is coming to New York tomorrow night.

Okay, so you haven't actually seen this woman then, right?

And so for all, you know, she could have a hump.

And I know mine doesn't.

Goodbye, Eddie.

Oh, come on, man. A hump and a lazy eye.

A hump and a leg she drags behind.

- Morning. - Morning.

Listen, do you know when you're going out tonight

and where you're going and what time you'll be back?

Seven-ish probably after dinner. And I really have no idea. Why?

No reason, just curious about you and your life.

- Boom. - Boom.

- You okay? - Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

It's just Christmas Eve day. It's a special time of year.

- You, uh-- You sure you're okay? - Yeah.

You just poured orange juice in your cereal.

Oh. Oh, yeah, I know.

It's the '90s, Dad.

All the kids eat it this way.

It's gratifying for a man

to see his own brains coming out in his son.

Line up and get your presents.

Plenty of presents for everyone.

So I was talking to my boss, Martin Tupper,

about this great Christmas story idea I had about cows.

That's fascinating, Miss Pedalbee. And then what happened?

I turned and I looked, and there she was.

Her hair was a little shorter than I remember from Catechism,

- but it was Mary, no doubt about it. - There you have it.

Not since Jesus was spotted in a Campbell's soup billboard in Pittsburgh

have we seen such religious fervor?

This is Susan Saladul,

live at the site of the Pedalbee Madonna.

The Post-it thingies are five bucks.

The pencils are 10 bucks.

Take a pencil.

It's like owning a piece of the true cross.

And you can write with it.

Martin Tupper's office.

Please come to Pennsylvania with me.

- Who is this? - It's me.

You remember, Pennsylvania Dutch country?

Oh, please, please. I'm just-- I'm feeling so happy today.

I don't know. I have a date tonight.

Come on. You'll be home by 6:00, 5:00.

4:30 at the latest.

- I don't think so. - I can see.

Not clearly, but I can see.

Get me out of here now to where I see anything.

Happy Christmas.

Hey!

I didn't recognize the car.

Oh, it's a loaner. I had a little fender bender.

Thank you so much for coming with me.

I mean, it really-- it really means a lot.

Oh, no. I'm happy to do it.

Just don't tell Rudolph.

Oh, and there's a lot more holiday hijinks to come.

So don't go away.

And we're clear.

Sheryl, hey, it's Eddie.

Listen, are we definitely on for tonight?

Excellent. Why don't you come by the studio around 6:00?

All right. See you then.

Cynthia, hi, it's Eddie.

Listen, I don't think tonight's going to be good.

Food poisoning. Yeah.

Mussels marinara.

You know, I just feel so bad about tonight.

- Back in ten. - Uh-oh, going to be sick again.

Got to go. Bye.

Back, guys, back.

- You disgust me. - Like I care.

Fuck you.

Welcome back, everyone.

Well, Mr. Weatherman tells us it looks like

we're going to have a white Christmas after all.

I said let's just take the Pennsylvania turnpike.

No, no, you had to save money on tolls.

Excuse me. I'm just a little bit busy right now, okay?

I said I'd pay the tolls, but no.

Okay, look, why don't you stop talking and watch the road.

Hey, hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Oh, look here. Damn.

Damn, there's a sign. What did it say?

I couldn't see it.

I was too busy watching the road.

Just keep your hands on the wheel, will you?

- Don't you tell me how to drive. - Excuse me.

Stop humming.

I have to pee again.

I warned you about getting that big gulp.

Well, I was thirsty.

If you have to, you can always use the souvenir cup.

Oh, you'd really like that, wouldn't you?

To watch you pee in a cup? Oh, more than anything.

I mean, who cares if I miss my date,

as long as I get to see that.

Eddie Charles.

Dee-Anne. Hey, when did you get back?

Fantastic.

Listen, I saw your movie.

You were unbelievable. Yeah.

So, when can I see you?

Tonight?

No, no, tonight is great. Say around 07:00?

Well, all right. See you there.

Yes.

- Hi. - Hey, Sheryl.

I'm sorry I'm late. The shoot ran long.

- Oh. - So, what do you want to do?

Um...

What I want to do is take you out to dinner,

but I just found out that my mother is really sick,

and I really should go see her.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

Oh, God, no. I hope she feels better.

Thanks.

Come here.

Oh, you are so good.

By the way, are we still on for New Year's?

Um.

Why don't we wait to see how my mom's doing?

Oh, okay, sure.

Are you actually blaming an unborn child

because you couldn't read a map?

No, no, no, no.

I'm blaming him because we're stuck

in this Pennsylvania Dutch nightmare in the first place.

It is not his fault if people want to give him a quilt.

Oh, please.

What is the big deal about this kid anyway?

I'm sorry. I know he's yours.

Jesus Christ. He's just a baby.

Look, a sign.

Just a coincidence.

- Hey. - Hey.

- How's it going? - Great.

You, uh, want a drink?

I'd love one.

I have Yoo-Hoo, orange juice,

- pineapple juice and Seltzer. - Seltzer would be good.

Here, this is for you.

Thanks.

It's really pretty.

Is that the thank you for your present

or the beginning of mine?

- Hello? - Jeremy?

This is Dad.

Your mother and I are stuck in Pennsylvania.

All the highways are closed.

We're gonna have to spend the night.

Now, are you, are you gonna be okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine. No big deal.

We're at the Bethlehem Bedtime Inn, okay?

- We don't have any room numbers yet. - Great. Have a nice night.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, Jeremy.

I'm expecting a friend of mine around eight o'clock now.

Her name is Marybeth, and, and, and just--

just tell her what happened and apologize for me.

Mm-hmm.

Jeremy?

I'm sorry. There is nothing I can do.

That's ridiculous. You must have something.

I'm telling you, ma'am, we're all booked up.

Everyone's here for the Putz.

What?

The Christmas Putz.

Who's the Christmas Putz?

Hello, anybody home?

The Putz isn't a "who". It's our live pageant.

The Moravian Christmas Putz.

You see, the city of Bethlehem

was founded by Moravian missionaries in 1741.

Thank you for that fascinating bit of local history, Mr. Quinn,

but I have a pregnant woman here.

Well, I'm sorry. There is nothing I can do.

There is just no room at the inn.

Just a coincidence.

Don't be ridiculous.

You don't know who I am, do you?

Come on, Judith, he's not gonna give us any money.

You happen to be talking to Mrs. Richard Stone.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I thought I recognized you.

Life magazine. Oh, my God.

Helene, isn't the woman that's carrying the Richard Stone baby?

Smile!

It is. Oh, Mrs. Richard Stone.

No, may we have a room?

No.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Quinn.

It's really festive.

Yeah, I thought so.

- We don't have to do this if you don't want to. - No, I do.

- I really do. - I don't know.

Let's...

No vacancies. Hm? Six motels and no vacancies.

Maybe we should try one of these side roads.

I hate this Putz. I hate it.

- Is it on? - Yeah, it's on.

- Are you sure it's on? - I'm positive.

- Okay, I'm just gonna... - Okay.

Ow! You're on my hair.

- Sorry. - Okay.

Oh, my God.

Um, Jeremy?

- What? - You're not.

What?

- You're not. - Yeah, I am.

No, you're really not.

Oh.

- Okay, that's it. - That feels right?

Feels right, that definitely feels right.

Okay, here we go.

I, uh...

I think I already went.

Why would the Almighty show this to me?

I haven't been to church in years.

It's a mind-boggler.

Unless that's why I was chosen.

Maybe He's calling me back to the flock.

Maybe he wants to use me for some larger purpose.

Like what? Like typing his letters?

Like answering his phones?

You know what your problem is?

You would think that the world revolves around you.

Just because you're cracked some glass

to the shape of the Blessed Virgin, you think that you can't stop.

Let me tell you something.

I am still nine months older than you.

I know now what I must do.

For you, Mr. Charles.

Oh, thank you.

Eddie Charles, hello.

Dee-Ann, hey, where are you?

Uh-huh.

No, no, no, I understand.

Uh, maybe next week then.

Oh, well.

Merry Christmas.

Her mother's sick.

Food poisoning.

Great, great, great, great, great, just great!

Maybe they'll find our bodies in the spring.

What am I doing here? I shouldn't be here.

I should be home with Marybeth.

Richard should be stuck in the fucking snow with you.

If Richard were here, we probably wouldn't be stuck.

But Richard's never here, and I'm sick of being the one you call

when he's too busy saving the fucking world.

I'm sick of being the fucking surrogate husband.

Oh, all right.

All right. That's just fine with me.

And I promise you something.

If I ever get out of this fucking car alive,

I promise I will never, ever ask you to do

anything for me ever again.

Thank you, thank you very, very much.

Come on.

- Martin. - What?

I think my water just broke.

She's going to have a baby.

So, uh...

have fun in Barbados.

Thanks.

Anyway, I should go.

Uh, Shannon.

Yeah?

Enjoy the sweater.

Why? Why do we have to get out of the car?

I like it here. It's warm and there's maps.

Judith.

Jude. I'm sorry, but...

you cannot have the baby in the car.

It's okay, I'm fine.

Okay, okay, that doesn't-- You see that light?

See there, way off there.

Now we're gonna go get help while you can still walk.

No, but maybe they're mean farm people who don't like strangers.

That's crazy.

I'm sure they're very nice farm people.

I'm sure there's a very nice farmer and his very nice wife.

And while we wait for the ambulance,

you can sit in a chair by the fire

and she'll hold your hand and give you herb tea.

So we won't have to have the baby in this fucking car.

You wash his mouth out with soap?

- Martin? - No, I'm Jeremy.

Phew, I mean, he sounded young on the phone,

but not that young.

- I'm Marybeth, who are you? - I'm his son.

- Oh, my God, he must be old. - Yeah, yeah, he really is.

He said to tell you he's sorry, but he won't be able to see you tonight.

He's stuck somewhere in Pennsylvania.

Well, shit.

Shitty, shit, shit.

What's he doing in Pennsylvania?

Get out of the car! Get out, get out of the car, get out of it!

I don't know, sightseeing or something?

Well, this is just tremendous.

My very first night in New York City

and I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do with myself.

You got a paper?

I guess so.

So, Jeremy, what's a good looking kid

like yourself doing home on Christmas Eve?

Waiting for Santa?

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

Ever seen Cats?

Yeah, kinda sucked. A lot.

Well, already I can tell, you're just a wellspring of enthusiasm.

- You got anything to drink? - My dad's got some scotch or something.

You got any Yoo-hoo?

Okay, Martin.

Where's the nice farmer?

Hm? Where is the nice farmer's wife?

Where is my herbal tea?

I'm sorry, I thought it was a house.

Oh, and yet, I see sheep.

It didn't--

Jude, Jude!

I am not having my baby here, I'm not.

No, no, no, no, not with that cow staring at me.

Okay, okay, fine, let's go.

Go, you crazy! Go where?

What, you wanna stay here?

Hello, I believe we have already

discussed that opportunity.

All right. Okay.

Look, you-- you stay here

and I'll go for help, okay?

Don't leave me!

Please, please, don't leave me.

Stop it!

I don't wanna have my baby in a barn.

Another scotch.

You wanna make this one a double.

Save you the trip later.

You sure you wouldn't like some dinner, Mr. Charles?

All right, all right. Hey, hey.

Bring me that bowl of maraschino cherries.

Bon app

Hey.

Cheer up.

'Tis the season to be jolly.

Oh man, just leave me alone.

Come on, come on, where's the mirth?

Just Christmas, you know?

Christmas sucks.

What'd you say?

I said Christmas sucks.

Nobody...

nobody talks that way

about Christmas to Santa Claus.

Come on, step outside.

Hey, hey, hey, all right, man. Just chill out.

You just had too many little kids sitting on your lap.

Just sit down.

Oh, you think that I'm one of those

phony department store Santas.

Well, I'll have you know

that you were looking at the genuine article.

Well, I hate to break this to you, Virginia,

but there is no Santa Claus.

Well, then I guess that you won't feel it

when I do this.

Yeah, and that's when I heard this voice in my head.

This voice?

Yeah.

Yeah, it was a very calm, sincere voice.

Kind of like Harry Smith on the CBS morning news.

And what did this voice tell you?

The voice said...

"Toby, it's time to have a new life.

"Take a new road. Become a nun."

- You're not Santa Claus, - How the hell do you know?

First of all, you're Black.

What fucked up racist ghost of the Christmas that you grew up with?

Aha, Santa would have never said "fucked."

Yo, Mr. Charles, Mr. Kringle.

You guys knock it off or I'm calling the cops.

I don't care if it is Christmas.

I don't know if you know any of the sisters

over at St. Margaret's, but I wanna tell you,

this was a tough bunch of nuns.

I mean, these were definitely

not your Dominique-nique kind of nuns.

If that's the way you feel,

why do you want to become one yourself?

Oh, don't get me wrong.

I love some nuns.

Like Maria,

and how to solve a problem like Maria.

Or Sister Betru, I loved her.

Miss Pedalbee, the decision to devote oneself

to Christ's work is a terribly serious one.

Ideally, it should be based on something more

than the hope of someday being able to fly.

I'm sorry, I'm afraid we have no place for you here.

Oh no, please, you gotta let me.

Look, I know I'm not your regular nun type kind of person,

but believe me, Sister, this is what God wants for me.

Sister, you don't wanna start up with God.

Did I mention that I happen to be intermittently psychic?

For instance, I know why you're all twisted up inside yourself tonight.

- You do? - Mm-hmm.

It's about S-E-X, right?

Maybe.

You think you might be gay, right?

No, no. If anything it's the opposite.

Uh-huh. I'm sure in time

we'll understand exactly what that might mean.

No, no, no, forget it, all right?

Why don't you go see Cats. They sing memories. You'll like it.

Shimmy Hawk, the little town that I'm from,

has a population approximately less than this apartment building.

Sometimes it gets so crazy, I just pick up the phone,

dial me a number and start talking.

That's how I met your daddy, in fact.

I found in my vast life experience,

it's easier to talk to a stranger.

And frequently more rewarding.

Richard was supposed to deliver the baby in warm water

with music playing that he composed himself.

Now I have to have my baby on hay.

Shh.

We're gonna be okay, I mean, I'm here,

you know, and all your little barnyard friends,

I mean, really, we're-- we're gonna be fine.

- Help! - Oh!

Help!

- God! - Okay!

Okay, I lied, we're not gonna be fine.

I'm not a doctor. I can't handle this.

- I can't, I can't. - Try, try relax.

Just breathe.

Are we kidding? We can't have a baby in a barn?

Help!

- I'm sorry I slapped you. - Totally justified.

Not to worry.

Look, we just have to remember everything we learned in birthing class.

First off, we get you in shape

you skip rope till you think you're becoming a school girl.

Then you start bouncing a rubber ball

till you bounce like one yourself.

There you go, it's gonna be a snap.

Just leave me alone.

Oh, come on, take it.

Look, I'm sorry

that I got so pissed.

This is a really stressful time of year for me.

You know, with all of the...

presents to deliver.

So now, for the rest of my life,

whenever I think back in my first time,

all I'm gonna see is that expression on Shannon's face, like, huh?

Oh, and forget Christmas. Christmas is fucked forever.

First time I ever left Shimmy Hill, I was 15 years old.

My Aunt Jolene took me down to Dallas,

see that fancy On Ice show?

I used to look just like cartoon characters

more than real people.

Anyway, after the show, I snuck backstage

and I met Jimmy Buckets.

Starred as Woofy the dog in the show.

Got drunk on orange Nehi and Southern Comfort.

And I ended up having sex for the very first time

pressed up against one of those Zamboni machines.

The whole time, all I kept thinking was...

I wish you'd take off that stupid head.

What?

Believe me.

I know how important your first time is.

Remember when Jeremy was born?

God, I was such a nutcase.

Oh no!

No, no, no, you weren't so bad.

Martin, you had to get stitches.

Well, it wasn't your finest hour.

You know, it's funny when I think back on that,

I actually don't even remember the pain.

It is funny, I do.

- Thank you for being here. - Oh.

No, I mean, you were right before.

I am always dragging you back into my life and it's not fair.

Shh.

I am really glad you're here.

Me too.

- Oh, God! - God!

- God! - Ow!

Oh, God!

Jeremy, honey,

you've had one life-altering experience this evening.

Maybe that's enough for one night.

I appreciate your concern.

You're not just doing this on a pity or something.

I mean, that would be okay. I was just wondering.

Mm, I think you're cute as hell.

Besides, I just hate the thought of Christmas being ruined for you forever.

Breathe. Breathe.

Breathe. Breathe.

I am breathing.

Listen very closely.

This is the sound of me breathing.

- Uh-huh. - Oh, God!

Now we're gonna take this real slow.

I'll never have sex again. I'll never have sex again.

No, no, fight the pain, Jude, conquer the pain.

What does that mean, conquer the pain?

You fucking conquer the pain!

When you were having Jeremy, it wasn't about now they started giving you drugs?

Oh.

Jude, Jude.

That was--

That was much better than last time.

Oh, boy.

Jeremy, honey, I'd tell you.

There's a certain improvisational nature to your technique.

You've got some natural talent that is most impressive.

What you're thinking?

Can we do it again?

How could he have forgotten what this was like?

I don't know.

So, how come you're not at home

setting out to stockings with the wife and kids?

Divorced.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no, no, man, don't be.

I'm just not the married guy type.

You know, I do much better with the single thing.

Getting drunk on Christmas Eve,

eating cherries for dinner.

What a life.

Hey, hey.

Why the hell aren't you at home with...

Mrs. Claus?

There is no Mrs. Claus.

Some PR guy made her up.

You know how people get when you work with kids.

Mm, yep.

It gets real lonely up at the pole.

Of course, there are the elves, but we ain't close.

Uh-huh.

I'm getting too old, man, to be alone.

There comes a time in a man's life

when he just wants to be sure that somebody is gonna be there.

Somebody to curl up under the covers.

Somebody to laugh at your jokes.

And...

- not take any of your crap. - Yeah.

- I guess. - Don't guess.

You don't wanna end up like me.

So what do I do?

I don't know, man.

I just make the toys.

I fell off my stool.

Yeah, I must be shit-faced.

And you understand in becoming the bride of Christ,

you would have to take a vow of celibacy.

Not a big change in my lifestyle, if you know what I mean.

And you'll be called on to relinquish all worldly possessions as well.

Not a problem. Although there is this armchair

that Mr. Snuffles likes to sleep in.

And Mr. Snuffles would be?

My cat.

Don't worry, he only yells when Entertainment Tonight is on.

Oh, we don't allow animals in the convent.

Wait a minute. You don't? Or He doesn't.

It's...

our policy.

It's crazy. I--

I can't give up my babies.

I-- I can't.

I just can't.

Forget it.

I don't wanna be part of any religion that doesn't allow pets.

Forget it.

I'm not gonna do it.

Forget it, I'm not gonna cut the umbilical cord with my teeth.

Martin, we were awfully close here.

What do you propose we use?

Well, I don't know.

You can raise that baby still connected

to your vagina for all I--

I'm not gonna do it.

What the hell are you doing in my barn?

Thank God. We need a doctor right away.

You're Richard Stone's wife, aren't you?

Oh, well, yes. Yes, I am.

Everybody's looking for you. It's all over the news and here you are in my barn.

Oh, this is so exciting.

Now would you please get us a doctor before I hit you with that bucket?

Well, that was uncalled for.

Marybeth.

Marybeth?

One more time?

Come on, come on.

It'll probably be years before I get a chance to do it again.

Oh, Martin, it's coming.

Oh.

No, no, no, no, no, no, wait.

Wait? SheI'll be back with the doctor any second, you know.

- Just hold it in. - Oh.

I don't think I can do this. This is birth.

I don't care. I don't care.

Just stop that baby.

Lord, I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I want to serve you and bask in your holy light,

but not if it means giving up Mr. Snuffles.

Please, speak to me.

I don't know what to do.

Just give me a sign.

Well, it looks like a rabbit.

That's it.

I'm supposed to buy a rabbit.

Come on, Judith, hang in there. Hang in there, you can do it.

Martin, this is not the end I need you at.

I'm the plumber, I'm just hanging around

in case something goes wrong with her pipes.

Right, right.

Go. Go, I see something.

I think I really see something.

What, what do you see?

- Oh, my God. - What, what is it?

What is it?

Oh, no, no, it's okay. It's just a foot.

I thought it was a horrible little head, you know, but it's just a foot.

A foot? It's not supposed to be a foot.

It's breach.

Oh, God, Martin, it's breach.

Mayday, mayday.

It's breach, it's breach. What do we do?

- I don't know, I don't know. - What the shush?

- Should I pull it? - No, don't pull it.

- Should I push it back in? - No, just--

- Oh, God. - What do you want me to do?

I don't know. Just do something!

I'm an amateur magician, how about a magic show?

Oh, my God!

Oh, Richard!

Hold this for me, will you, Martin?

I knew you'd come.

You're ready to push.

Good. Now push.

Oh.

We have a son.

It's a miracle.

He's beautiful.

He is.

He looks just like you.

This is a private conversation, but no extras in the scene, run along will you?

Peace on Earth, good will to men.

Uh, Marybeth.

I'm never gonna forget this night.

Well, I should hope not.

I'll send you a card every Christmas.

I'd like that.

Marybeth?

Is seven times really that much?

Let's just say men have died from less.

Take care, honey.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Merry Christmas. - Same to you.

Jeremy?

Dad.

Come here.

Merry Christmas.

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

I'm happy too.

This was the most amazing night.

- You have a brother. - Cool, all right.

Hey.

Come here.

What are you doing up so early?

Uh.

Oh. Oh.

Just couldn't wait to get under that Christmas tree and open those presents, huh?

Yeah, yeah, that's it, the presents.

Oh.

All right, so he's cute.

He's not cute, he's perfect.

He looks just like Richard, only younger.

I love babies.

Wow, look at this.

This kid's making out like a bandit.

Oh, well, you know the Wisemans.

I mean, they never know when to stop.

Just a coincidence.

Judith, he's gorgeous.

Could you ever see yourself having one?

Maybe.

What? What? It could happen.

You never know.

So, how were all your Christmases?

Well?

Yeah.

Uh, this is...

Uh, merry.

Jeremy, you look taller somehow.

I got him new sneakers.

Oh, are you precious?

Excuse me, but shouldn't we take a moment

to remember another person born today?

Barbara Mandrell.

Maybe we should let the new mother get some sleep.

Martin,

I just wanted to thank you for...

...well, for everything.

I couldn't have gotten through it without you.

No, no, no, really, it was Richard.

No, no, you were terrific.

And, well,

we would really like you to do us the honor

of being the baby's godfather.

- Really? - Yeah.

You can count on me.

I'd be honored. I mean, to do the honor.

Excuse me for interrupting,

but have you ever noticed that the water stain in your bathtub

looks an awful lot like Moses?