Original subtitles

You sure I can't help?

Dad, I'm making dinner for you tonight, so relax.

I just don't want you to...

think I'm not willing.

I'll get it.

Hmm.

- I had my sonogram today. - Mm-hmm?

It's a boy. I'm having a boy!

There's gonna be a little Richard!

I want all the young ladies to say "Woo!"

- Congratulations. - Jeremy?

Jeremy, guess what?

You're going to have a little brother.

Oh, cool, Mom. That's great.

Do we have any tongs?

Uh no, no, we don't.

Look, isn't he handsome?

Oh. Oh, he's a fine-looking boy.

What's this over his head? It looks like a...

A halo.

A god.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That must be a scratch on the film or something.

Don't worry, I've got it. No problem.

Martin, I need to ask you a favor.

Uh-huh?

Could you sub for Richard at my birthing class?

It's only until he comes back from Estonia.

What's he doing in Estonia?

Well, they just had their first free elections,

and it seems they voted him president.

It's gonna take a while to sort things out.

They've shot King Richard!

I can see how it would.

Anyway, it's only one night a week,

and it'll be fun, really, please?

Uh... I don't know, you know? I'm very busy with work, and I--

Martin, I'm pregnant. I'll cry.

- Okay! - Oh, good.

Thanks.

Dinner's up.

Ah!

I kinda scorched some of your pans,

but it was worth it.

- Hope you're hungry. - Muffins?

Five kinds.

Well, that's...

- Terrific. - It's great.

There's nothing I love more than...

- Muffins for dinner. - Ha!

Hello, mothers and others.

I'm Martha Buck,

your tour guide through the glorious odyssey of birth.

Now, as you know, we'll be using the Richard Stone method.

What happened to Lamaze?

What happened to the horse and buggy?

Birth is like a rich, melodic song.

Once you give yourself over to the song, you feel no pain.

Uh, excuse me, would that be before or after the epidural?

Who said that?

That voice is familiar.

Dr. Stone doesn't believe

in the use of painkillers during labor.

Well, it's easy for him to say.

If she's so smart, then why doesn't she just come up

with her own technique?

Today's lesson is relaxation.

- Do you, er, uh, know her name? - Of course I know her name.

Kat?

You know that woman?

We went to high school together.

...explore the joy of giving life.

Let's close our eyes,

and listen to the music.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Let the music wash...

You're the cat's meow.

...like a tide,

or the gentle breeze on a summer's day.

- Martin? - Yeah.

Martin Tupper? Oh my God!

Let it soothe you.

Excuse me. You look exactly the same.

Yeah, but with bigger boobs. Look, huh?

- I see, I see. - Martin!

- Huh? - Do you mind?

Oh.

Your wife's pretty.

She's pissed off, but pretty.

She's not my wife.

She used to be my wife, now she's somebody else's wife.

I... I don't have a wife.

You're doing this for your ex?

Oh, that is so you.

And you, and-- where's yours?

Gone.

Yeah, I know. That's so me.

Okay, now, let's all concentrate.

Of course, that's not so easy to do with all this chitchat.

And a-one, and a-two, and a-teacher wants a-quiet.

What are you doing after this? You wanna come over for a beer?

- Might be poison. - I'm sorry, I mean a cup of coffee?

You got any poison?

Why don't I just take you on a roller coaster?

Oh, sounds great. I'll bring the heroin.

You look so stoned.

No! No, no, this is normal me.

No, wait. Okay, here, I'm stoned.

Yeah.

Look, Derek Hanes.

You remember when he broke up with me?

Uh, and we went under the bleachers,

and we drank all those little bottles

of Southern Comfort until I threw up.

No, no, no, no, no, no. That was after Jimmy Norton.

Derek Hanes is when we went to Playland and we rode the Wild Mouse 32 times.

- And then I threw up. - Right.

Ah.

Well...

here we are again, huh?

Yeah.

You know, I really thought this one was different.

And, I mean...

he was this musician, and...

I don't know, things were really working out until...

about seven months ago.

What an asshole.

Love must be fostered with gentle words

and sweet attentions.

You're not gonna throw up, are you?

No, he's not worth it.

Hmm.

Mm! Look, it's Kevin Carlton.

Yeah, yeah. I always hated that guy.

Mm... he was my first real love.

I know, I know.

That's why I hated him.

Miss Pedalbee is a highly emotional girl

and with kind of a weird sense of humor.

- Hey, buddy-- - Help, help!

It's me, it's me.

- Don't do that to me! - Okay, I'm sorry, man.

Listen, what do you say you and me,

two babes tonight, huh?

- Sounding good? - I can't.

No, no, no, man, I'm saying I got us dates.

You know, two single guys out on the town.

I know what you're saying, I'm just, I'm busy.

Uh-huh.

I see.

Yeah, Martin, man, you gotta help me out.

I made two dates for the same night.

I fucked up.

Oh, Martin, we've gotta do something.

You're on your own. I already have plans for tonight.

Oh yeah, well, the babe I got for you models underwear, huh?

Who's yours?

Yeoooow!

Katherine Kennedy.

- No shit? - Yeah.

Who'd she break up with this time?

- Some asshole. - Oh, well, what a surprise.

So, you're finally gonna fuck her, huh?

No, I'm not going to fuck her.

- We're just friends. - Yeah, sure, man.

You've been after her since she broke up with Skipper Bensley.

Now, come on. Which way you gonna do it first?

- Doggy style. - Ah.

What the fuck's the matter with you?

You're sick. I told you, I am not going to sleep with her.

Okay, fine, fine.

So where'd you run into her?

Judith's birthing class.

Oh, please.

Tell me she's the teacher.

I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Aw, man, you're gonna sleep with a pregnant woman?

I am not going to sleep with her!

Okay, but if you do, just don't get involved.

Unless you wanna find yourself up to your butt in dirty diapers.

Is there a plate in your head?

Did I tell you I wasn't gonna sleep with her? I am not.

I am not going to sleep with her.

Good.

You wanna bet?

Here you go.

I'm sorry about dinner.

You hated it, didn't you?

No, no, no, no.

Really, there's nothing I love more than...

Tofu.

Well.

Thank you.

Well, I...

I-I should probably go.

You know you don't have to.

Well, it-it's just that you're...

Too wild to tame?

That must be it.

I'd like you to stay.

If you want to.

As it happens, I don't have any other plans.

The baby kicked.

You're... beautiful.

- Oh! - Oh!

Ah, bananas are yellow, the leaves are green, there we go.

Why does the tiger have a yarmulke?

Well, I messed up the head, so I just sorta went with it.

- Yeah. - Where's my little kitty cat?

Oh, there she is.

Oh, not so little anymore.

Bobby, what the fuck are you doing here?

I'm back, and here I am.

Hah!

This is him? This is the guy?

You asshole. What could possibly be going through your mind?

Oh, I'll tell you.

I'm sittin' in this bar in Freeport,

slamming vodkas with Rico and Sticks,

and I ask the bartender what's his name.

He says, "It's Kid."

I start weeping like a schoolgirl. I don't know why.

Three days later, I'm on stage,

in the middle of beating off the band.

Suddenly, it hits me.

I'm gonna have a kid.

Not Kid, the bartender, but a little baby.

Oh, please.

Excuse me, you can't just walk in here--

Oh, I'm sorry, where are my manners?

Bobby Krull, MCA recording artist.

Martin Tupper.

Editor of books. And just for your information, Kat and I are an item.

Well, I'm back now.

So, off you go.

Oh, and there's a little parting gift for you.

My latest CD, "Krull and Crossbone."

It's a play on words. Do you get it?

Yeah, yeah, I get it.

Who the hell do you think you are?

Oh. You know, it's me, Bobby Krull.

- See? - I see the guy who walked out on me seven months ago.

Now, how about a repeat performance?

Oh, come on, Kat.

I'm sorry. I was stupid.

You've gotta give me another chance.

I'm the father of your baby.

You are not a father.

You are just some creep who got me pregnant.

Bye-bye, now.

I'm sorry I don't have a parting gift for you.

No, please, Kat, without you, I'm like--

I'm like a helmet without a head.

Empty.

- You okay? - Yeah.

Sort of.

Not really.

I'm-- I'm just glad you're here.

What do you say we give three cheers to the champion, huh? Come on.

Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!

This woman is having a wonderful,

glorious experience.

The baby's head has just entered the cervix,

and its feet are pressing against the mummy's backbone.

Forget this. Where's the cesarean class?

Martin, this isn't the drive-in.

- Kat. - Hey!

Kat!

Kat, you out there?

- Oi! Hey, lookit! - Oh, no.

I've got a baby holder to hold our baby.

Look, Bobby, this isn't the time or the place, you know?

Hey, book fellow, how you doing? Hey, hold this.

See, it's got the-- it's got the alphabet on it.

Babies love to spell.

Oh, that is really sweet.

Oh, Mrs. Stone.

- Hi, Bobby. - You know him?

Richard produced his solo album.

I'll have to pick it up.

I got this little leather jacket just like mine.

Hey, Mommy, are you ready to rock and roll?

I'm trying, Kat.

I'm really trying hard.

Bobby...

I love you.

Can we talk about this another time?

Ding dong. Hello there.

We have a lot to cover today.

That's right.

Oh, oh, it's no problem for me.

Rico and Sticks are outside.

We're gonna go up to FAO Schwartz.

I've got me eye on a big, fuzzy duck.

Thanks, Martin.

- Cheers, everyone. - Bye.

- Enjoy the film. - Yeah, thanks.

What am I gonna do about him?

- Two words-- "Restraining order." - Yeah.

Now, let's take a look at our friend the vagina.

Watch as it flexes its mighty walls

and pushes the baby's head into the light of day.

Surprise!

It's gorgeous out. Let's go for a picnic.

Oh, Martin, that's so sweet, but I--

Oh, come on, come on. Look, I got grape juice.

I got cheese, I got those little forks, you know?

Wow. What's this?

I need to talk to you.

That is-- it's huge.

Yeah, yeah, I think you do have to talk to me.

Martin, I'm sorry,

but I've decided to give Bobby another chance.

What about us?

Oh God, you are the last person in the world

I'd ever want to hurt.

Then don't. Hurt him.

He... He walked out on you.

He came back!

He's changed.

And he's the father of my child.

- He's-- -

He's an idiot. Listen to him!

Oh, well, then I'm the idiot, because I love him.

I can take a hint.

Look, honey, my next single.

Well, well, well, Daddy's here.

Oh, and look, he can't even keep his pants zipped.

Oops.

Thanks, Martin.

Okay, all right, you win. You win.

Okay, but you better take care of this woman.

And you'd better take care of this baby.

I'm doing it. Did you see the duck?

I think it's gonna take more than a big duck

to get the job done.

No, let me-- let me just give you a wake up call, okay?

No more cigarettes for you.

And you'd better get used to vomit

on those nice leather pants of yours.

Ah, already am.

Okay, Martin. Thank you.

And you have to be there 24 hours a day, okay?

Forget about sleep. Forget about free time.

You're on the baby's time now.

You know, you feel like jumping on your bike,

and riding cross-country, right?

Or partying all night with Rico and Sticks?

Well, forget about it!

You ready to give all that up, are you? Huh?

- I-I don't know. - Well, you better know!

Because being a father is fucking hard, and it's forever.

Jesus.

I'm sorry, Kat. He's-- he's right.

I can't do this.

I'm no dad.

Sorry, hon.

Okay. Okay, take care now.

Yeah, yeah, bye-bye.

Don't forget to write. Uh-huh.

See? Well, there you go.

If you rescue me once more, I'll be in your debt for life.

You asshole.

Who, me?

Who gave you the right to do that?

What do you mean, who gave me the right?

I care about you.

I'm trying to do what's best for you and the baby.

Hey, I get to decide what's best for me and my baby.

Well, isn't it better if he walks out now,

instead of three months from now?

He didn't walk out, you chased him out!

Come on, Kat.

There's no way that he is ready to be a father.

Oh, and when you had Jeremy, you were?

You weren't scared shitless? You didn't have any doubts?

Well, yeah, yeah. Come on. I mean, everybody does.

Then why didn't you tell him that?

Just-- just go.

Kat?

Kat?

I'm sorry.

About face, forward march.

Fuck.

Hah! Saved it!

Jeremy, Jeremy, come here.

- Dad! - Ahoy, there.

Hi, Bobby.

Look, uh, about the other day.

Oh, yeah, I meant to thank you.

Oh, you gave me a real biscuit to chew on.

This daddyhood sounds like a holy nightmare.

- Oh, no, Bobby, look-- - Bloody hell.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Look, look, Bobby, everybody feels that way.

But I thought I should show you some of the other side, you know?

Some of the really great stuff about being a dad.

Now, this is my son, Jeremy.

Oh. Hello, son Jeremy.

Yeah, nice to meet you. Dad, I was supposed to be at Shannon's 15 minutes ago.

So you'll be a little late.

This is Bobby Krull. You remember that CD I gave you?

Yeah, I got a buck for it at Discs and Things.

Really? I got a whole box of 'em!

You know what my son here did for me a few weeks ago, huh?

He made me muffins. Five kinds, wasn't it?

Yeah, Dad. Can we be cool about this?

- No, tell Bobby about school. Go ahead. - I go to school.

Tell him about that report you did on Bolivia. This is great.

I did a report on Bolivia. Who cares?

I'll send him a copy. Can we get outta here?

Let go!

This never happens.

You know, he's just a little moody today.

Jeremy, put the guitar down.

But you have to believe me when I tell you

that there is no greater joy than watching them grow up.

You know, becoming their own people with their own little ideas.

Fuck me!

Give me that!

- Get outta here! - Oh gee, do we have to?

Sorry about that!

Thanks for stopping by!

Little bastard.

Get me a blue one.

Kat, Kat, look, I'm--

- I'm really sorry about what I did. - No, you don't have to be.

No, yes, yes, yes, I do. Now look, I want you to know,

whatever happens, you know, whatever you need,

I'm... I'm here for you, you know?

No strings attached.

No, you really don't have to.

Say that slow and strap me in.

Oh my God. That-- it's Bobby?

He showed up at my door last night

saying something about the joy

of forming the baby's little ideas.

I--

Thank you, thank you very much. You're all my fans.

Mm, I love you madly.

- I'm very happy for you. - Thanks.

Here I am.

Gotta know what to do when the head pops out.

Hey, Martin.

Well, what's the drill?

You did it, huh?

Your words moved me, strangely.

But my son, I mean, you know, he was such a...

Prick.

I like that.

Spunky little fucker. Reminds me of me.

- Uh... - Martin?

The mat? I want to sit.

Coming.

Right there.

- Do you feel that? - Yeah.

That's really cool.

It's nice, isn't it?

And they were married and lived happily ever after.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, basically.

Yeah.

Listen, after class tonight, let me take you out to dinner.

Sure, sure.

- You know what I'm in the mood for? - Hmm?

How about a salad?

I've studied up on vegetables,

so we'll have a lot to talk about.