Original subtitles

- I hate all these parties. - Oh, come on, it's fun.

Making small talk with your coworkers,

sucking up to Gibby,

seeing all your favorite writers,

where else could you do that?

- Tomorrow would work. - You know, you're right.

I'm putting in for overtime.

Mmm, not bad.

Marty! Bubbe, you got two minutes?

I got a new Lillian book for you.

Libby, this really isn't the good time.

It's called Lillian Has Sex for the Very First Time.

It's about this young girl, Lillian--

- Who has sex for the first time. - Bingo!

Listen, why don't I think about it, and I'll, uh--

I'll get back to it sometimes, excuse me.

Marty, you can't bugger me till you bought me a drink.

What's funny about that? Will you tell me?

- I'll try to keep that in mind. - Why don't you join us?

- We're swapping bed-wetting stories. - You don't say?

So anyway...

Hi.

I've been wanting to talk to you all night.

You have?

We're meant for each other.

You have a blue sock stuck to the back of your jacket.

Thanks. I guess a party like this really shows you who your friends are, huh?

Yeah, I'm Alannah.

Hi, I'm Martin.

When did you find it?

About two minutes ago.

Damn. Zeta won the pool.

- Would you like to... - Get some!

...go for a walk?

Sure.

Mmm, yeah.

Marty, there you are.

Here we go again.

Excuse us, cookie.

Come on, Marty, buy the book.

I got a goddamn wedding to pay for.

My son Josh knocked up the waitress from the Waffle Village.

I'm sorry about that, you know, but I--

Please, Marty, don't make me beg.

Okay.

Ha! Fabulous! Marty!

I've been kissed by a [indistinct].

Bless you! Ooh, babe. Oh, I owe you, baby.

Libby! Libby, no, I didn't mean to--

What are you waiting for?

Over here, we have an office.

And over here, we have another office.

Any questions so far?

No. No, I'm with you.

- And, uh, well, over here-- - I'm guessing, office.

Hey, who's the tour guide around here?

So that's where all my brooms went.

Next to the Parrot Jungle,

this is the best tour I've ever been on.

Too bad you never kissed her.

Would you rather go to my place?

Or not.

It's coming up!

I fill up the porcelain pits,

and give ladies terrible fits.

Yes, Bab-O's power-packed suds

work down into those porcelain pits.

At home, we use it all the time.

Oh, Martin.

Damn.

My skirt's on backwards.

- Cover me. - Okay.

I think I have Ajax in my shoe.

Alannah, darling, there you are.

Time to go home, and play Barry the Bishop.

Ah, hello, Marty. Look what I've got.

Meet Alannah. Easy on the eyeballs, eh?

She danced in that musical with the roller skates.

Hi. Hi, uh, Martin Tupper.

We met earlier.

Right.

Well, time's up. Nighty-night.

What a revolting development this is.

- Good morning. - Shh, please.

- What happened to you? - I had kind of a rough night last night.

- Tell me about it. - Now, listen, I'll be in my office.

If Gibby calls or comes by, tell him I'm not here.

Tell him I'm out for the day, you don't know where I am,

- and you don't know when I'll get back, got it? - No problem.

Good morning, Marty.

If there's one thing in this world I hate, it's a double-crossing dame.

Well, well, well...

Apparently, you had a busy evening last night.

What do you mean?

Oh, I think you know what I mean.

I think you know exactly what I mean.

Who the fuck do you think you are, going behind my back like that?

Don't kill me! Let me live, please!

Punish me, talk to me, but let me live.

I'm sorry. Gibby, I'm sorry.

You know, we-- we had a few drinks, and one thing led to another.

I don't give a glass of shit.

You don't pull a stunt like that without asking me first.

Asking you?

Yes, I'm the one

who buys the bloody books around here, not you.

- What? - The Libby Friedman job.

The book you bought last night,

our agent's been pulling my ferret all morning.

Right, right, right, right, right, right.

Big mistake. No, I should have asked you.

Damn right.

That was a close call, my friend.

So, uh, what did you think of Alannah, huh?

I knew things were going too smooth.

- Who? - Don't be thick, Marty. My lady friend.

Bet you'd like to push that one across the floor a bit, huh?

No! I mean, no, no, she's not really my type.

- Ah, I see. - Uh, I guess, you guys are pretty serious, though, huh?

No, not really. But you can't poke the pillow every night, now can you? Am I right?

Bye, Marty.

Chivalry is not only dead, it's decomposed.

Wait, you slept with Gibby's girlfriend?

Are you out of your mind?

Come on, it's not like I slept with Gibby.

What? Were those the two choices?

Fuck, I-- I know it's fucked, you know, but I really like her.

- And I-- - And nothing, man.

Forget about her, and don't see her again.

- A little late for that now. - Aw, shit.

She showed up at my door last night.

- Does Gibby know you're here? - No.

And you sent her away.

Tell me you sent her away.

I did.

Do-- do you really have to go?

Oh, yeah, I'm late for rehearsal.

Bye.

Oh, man, you are hopeless. Ever heard the expression, "Don't shit where you eat"?

Come on, you've slept with people you work with.

No, no, I slept with people who work for me.

- That's harassment. It's different. - What about your producer?

Also different. I was using her.

What about that network executive's daughter, huh? What about her?

Okay, so I'm not a good example. Look, the thing about these situations is

they always find out, and it always ends bad.

I'm not going to leave her alone.

I won't. I won't.

Hello.

Alannah, hi. Look, we need to talk.

God, your voice is so sexy.

I could get turned on just listening to you.

Well, don't. Don't.

Well, if you keep talking, I'm gonna have to touch myself.

Ah.

Is it supposed to do that?

I don't know, but it's doing it.

- I just don't think this is gonna work. - Keep talking.

I'm reaching under my dress.

You wanna?

I'm slipping off my panties.

Well, what do we do?

Martin.

Oh, Martin.

Alannah, we're getting dinner, or aren't we?

He's there?

Hold on!

I'm coming.

Your hand is still wet, Alannah.

Alannah, I can't keep doing this, okay?

I mean, as long as you're still seeing Gibby, I can't. We can't. I'm sorry.

- I understand. I better go. - What are you doing?

Put your panties on, we're late.

You can let go now, Abigail.

"And as young Lillian sat atop the washing machine,

waiting for her band uniform to finish,

the Maytag began to vibrate,

a strange sensation stirred in her loins."

Um, go on, Marty.

"'Wow,' she thought. 'I feel tingly,' just then--"

Is everything all right?

She left me, Marty.

Alannah left me.

Hit me. I think I'm dreaming.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, you probably wanna be alone.

Will you drink with me, Marty?

Drink with me.

Uh, I'd love to, you know, but I think we're having some birthday cake for Zeta.

Don't you forget that he's also a human being.

Do you have any sour mix?

I know why she left me, Marty.

I know the real reason.

You do?

I confess my sin. I ask your forgiveness.

I'm in the dust at your feet.

It's the testicle.

Excuse me?

I've only got one.

Really?

And that's why she left you? I mean, she told you that?

Oh, no, she didn't say it.

No, she told me some crap about how she didn't love me,

and they all say that, but I know.

I know, it makes the ill, you see.

The thought of a man with only one plum in his lunch is heck.

Come on, Gibby.

It just doesn't seem like it would be,

you know, that big a deal.

Well, of course it doesn't to you.

You've got a full set.

You've never had to endure the schoolboy taunts,

the locker room jeers.

"Oh, look, here comes Johnny One-Nut."

- Kids can be cruel. - You know, it'd be one thing

if I'd lost it to a shark or something.

Then I'd have a story.

But no.

My little fella just never dropped in to say hello.

I'm sorry.

Look, Marty, I want you to see the root of all my suffering.

No, no. Thank you.

Why? Is my deformity too ghastly for you to contemplate?

No, no, no, I just don't think I really need to see it.

Yes, turn away.

Avert your eyes from the abomination between my legs.

Okay, fine, fine, if it means that much to you, then I--

I'll look at it.

So you can gawk

like I'm some sort of sideshow freak?

Sure, put me up there between the bearded lady

and the man with the kangaroo head.

Oh, is that so?

I don't know what I was thinking.

You've got to help me, Marty.

Maybe a doctor would be a better person.

No, no, no, I mean with Alannah.

She won't listen to me, but maybe she'll listen to you.

She took a shine to you at the party the other night.

Please, Marty, tell her to come back.

I really, really don't think I'm the right--

Please, Marty. Please, help me.

I'm a man with one ball.

I'll see what I can do.

Bless you.

I didn't sleep all night.

I was haunted, not by ghosts,

but by a horrible guilt that somehow

all that's happened is my fault.

I'm gonna go Xerox Gibby's contracts.

Try not to steal anything from my desk while I'm gone.

I'll see if I can restrain myself.

Alannah, Alannah, what are you doing here?

- I broke up with Gibby. - I know, I know.

So, how do you wanna celebrate?

- Alannah, look, I really think-- - Marty, I--

Alannah.

There, there. Everything's gonna be all right.

Marty, may I speak to you for a moment?

Martin, do you have a tissue?

- In my office. - Oh.

Well, how's it going?

Is she gonna take me back, do you think?

I don't know, Gibby. She seems a little...

Yahoo!

...emotional right now.

Did she mention the nut?

No, no, that hasn't come up yet.

You keep at it, Marty. I'm counting on you.

What happened?

Well, he kind of hugged me.

So he doesn't know?

Oh, no, thank God.

Alannah, he's not taking this break up too well.

I know, we were up all last night.

I feel so bad for him.

I do.

But when you think about it,

don't you think he's sort of a pig?

Baby, that's the understatement of the year.

I wouldn't say that.

I mean, he wasn't always like that.

I mean, when we first met, he was this charming Australian guy

with terrific suits and funny little songs.

- You sang you songs? - Yeah.

But then after a while, I found out how insensitive

and-- and obnoxious he could be, and--

Can we not talk about this now?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Alannah, maybe we should hold off until Gibby...

Dies.

...cools down just a little.

You're right.

You're right.

How long do you think?

I don't know.

Like, two weeks?

Two weeks starting tomorrow.

Yeah.

- Marty! - Yes?

It's Gibby. Why did you answer him?

I didn't mean, too. There's a reflex.

Hide, hide, hide, hide, hide. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

- Ow! - Sorry.

Hold on, I just have to rinse the spaghetti.

Come on, Marty. I haven't gone all night.

Gibby. Gibby, jeez.

- What a surprise. - Where's the spaghetti?

I ate it.

- Oh. - What's up?

How did it go with Alannah?

Um...

basically well.

Any good news?

I'm afraid not.

You know, Gibby, maybe--

maybe it's just time to accept it.

It's over.

Not that I could, Marty.

Whenever I go, I think of her.

I see her face. I smell her perfume.

In fact, I can smell it right now.

Oh, Marty. Oh, Marty.

It's amazing, the tricks the mind will play on you.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Marty?

I had no idea you were funny that way.

Yeah.

Yeah, sure, sure, bras, panties, garter belts.

The works.

That's strange, the things you learn

about a person when you visit--

You bastard.

This is Alannah's.

Yes. Yes, it is.

I asked her to lend me a little something to go with this blue slip that I have.

Bullshit. Where the hell is she?

Gibby, I have absolutely no idea.

I'm right here, Gibby.

Alannah, what are you doing here?

Oh, Martin. Let's just tell him.

Gibby, I--

I'm sorry.

Et tu, Marty.

Et fucking tu, Marty!

Gibby! Gibby!

Gibby! Gibby, wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry.

You will rue the day you crossed Johnny One-Nut.

What I did was wrong, okay? But I really like Alannah.

You know, and I think she likes me.

Of course she does. But only because you've got two joeys in your pouch.

No, Gibby, no, it's not the testicles. This has nothing to do with the testicles.

She left you because you're a creep.

What?

You're a rude,

insensitive, obnoxious pig.

She thinks.

She said all that.

Yes. Gibby, yes, I'm--

I'm sorry.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my fucking God.

Do you understand what this means?

This means it's not the nut!

- Of course it's not the nut. - So I've suffered needlessly all these years

thinking it was the nut, and it's really not the nut?

No, no, it's not.

So she hates me for me,

for who I am inside.

Pretty much.

Martin, fuck her! Fuck them all!

I'm free!

Thank you, Marty.

Short of a second testicle,

this is the greatest gift you could've given me.

Hasta ma

Oh, thank God that's over.

- Thank you. - Oh, no, no, not that.

That was wonderful.

I mean, that whole thing with Gibby.

Oh, what was I thinking?

You got me.

You know what the worst part about it was?

What?

He had only one testicle.

Ugh.

God bless the oddballs of this world.

Each and every odd one.

Good night.