Original subtitles

Ah, come on, you wouldn't be doing something illegal, per se,

all you have to do is drive the car.

Ma, I said forget it. I got a job.

Yeah, some job. You don't even have an office.

I have an office, I just don't have walls.

Admit it, Tobe, you're a pencil sharpener.

Look, I'm important here, I got responsibilities.

I make creative decisions.

Toby, could you give me some paperclips?

And I need the regular metal ones, okay,

not the little plastic ones like last time.

- I'll get right on it. - Thanks.

- Hello, Mrs. Pedalbee. - How's it hanging, Martin?

Oh, it is so exciting watching you work.

Oh, my-- You're at the top of your game.

Ma, will you stop it already?

- What do you know? - Excuse me.

- Can I help you? - I'm looking for Martin Tupper.

Oh, really? Do you have an appointment?

- Not really. - Does he know you?

- I'm afraid not. - Go right in.

Ma, I said forget it.

Mr. Tupper?

- A bevy of beauty. - Yes.

I know you're probably very busy, but I--

I was wondering if you could take a look at this manuscript.

Begone!

I'm sorry, we really don't accept unsolicited material yet.

- Toby? - Please, I have already been

to 22 publishers, and you're the last one on the list.

Thank you. That's quite an honor.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that.

Just-- Just take a look at the first page.

I think you're going to like this.

Look, our roster is pretty full right now.

Just have your agent give us a call.

Okay, look, I wasn't going to tell anyone this,

but it was--

it was written by Theodore Dreikoff.

Chicolini here may talk like an idiot

and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you.

Look, lady, I'm not an idiot, okay?

Dreikoff died two years ago.

Yes, I know, I'm Ina Dreikoff, his widow.

He really is an idiot.

Oh, my God.

I'm-- I'm very, very sorry.

My condolences, please, sit down.

So-- so then you're interested.

Interested?

My God, I'd kill to edit a postcard by Theodore Dreikoff.

Well, that's good.

Because

this isn't your usual Dreikoff book.

Oh, no?

Ted wrote it as sort of

a love letter to me.

- Oh. - It's very...

very special.

Uh...

Great, great, you know, I can't wait to read it.

I just-- Uh, can I?

Oh, yes, of course.

Oh, all I'm saying is do yourself a favor,

don't have children.

That way you won't have to watch

your daughter flush her life down the toilet.

Ma.

Isn't there some place you gotta be?

Well, yeah. I've got my parole guy at 3:00.

Well, I suppose I could walk slow.

Why don't you?

All right, I'll call you later, sweetie.

It's been fun.

This is really special.

I-- Is the tone consistent?

Yes. They have sex on every page.

Wow.

First time I ever saw steam heat in print.

A new Dreikoff book, I mean,

do you realize the press this will get?

Press? No, no, no, wait. You don't understand.

I can't have Ted's name on this.

If we don't put his name on it, no one's gonna know he wrote it.

Exactly.

I don't want people knowing Ted wrote anything like this.

I wouldn't even be doing this if I didn't need the money.

I have to be honest with you now, you know,

if it's the money you want,

then the name is the way to go.

No, I'm sorry.

I had a feeling this wasn't going to work out.

Don't you want to say something?

All right, all right.

Uh, I'll tell you what, we'll just make up a name.

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

Okay, I'll just clear this with my publisher.

Oh, no, no one else can know about this.

No one.

I don't know. Now you're asking me to lie to my boss.

He's not a big fan of that sort of thing.

But you'll do it?

A lie is the same as the truth if the result is all right.

Sure.

Oh, thank you.

You don't know how much this means to me.

Bye-bye now.

This is the chance of a lifetime.

Toby, I need a copy of this right away.

What do you think of the name Toby Pedalbee?

It's very nice. Now look--

I think it would look good in print

on a book like this one.

You know what I mean?

Oh, no.

- No, no, no, no, no. - Why not?

I always wanted to write a book. This way I could skip a step.

Absolutely not.

- End of discussion. - Gee, that's too bad.

I hope I can keep your little secret.

Well, hello, partner.

I haven't been this excited since I got a hum job from that soprano

behind the Sydney Opera House.

So, do-- do you like it?

Like it? Marty, you should get down on your knobby knees

and kiss our little wombat's feet.

Toby, my love, you've just sold yourself a book.

Oh, this is a dream come true.

When I think of all the hours

I spent in my little room typing,

never dreaming I'd get to share my vision with the whole world.

Zip it.

Anyway, it's nice.

Well, back pats all around.

Ciao now.

So, when do we get to the feet kissing?

Blow me.

The Milkmaid by Toby Pedalbee.

- There it is. - Oh, give me that.

Well, I'll tell you, you know, the advanced publicity has been just great.

Oh.

Wow.

This was Theodore Dreikoff's study?

I can't believe I'm actually here, you know?

I haven't touched a thing since the day he died.

Sort of a little shrine to Ted.

So it is.

It's a little weird, isn't it?

Get me out of here.

No, no, no, no, no, don't be silly.

Wow.

So this was his desk, huh?

And his typewriter.

Oh, you know, his telephone, and this...

dead pig thing.

Oh, but wait till you see this.

It's Ted's Harley.

Really?

It's hard to picture Theodore Dreikoff riding a motorcycle.

Oh, we used to ride together a lot.

He loved it so much.

I'd sit behind him...

my arms wrapped around him...

and...

Anyway.

Well, I thought you might want a copy of this.

Oh, straight to paperback.

Sorry, baby.

And here's a little bookmark for you.

Ooh.

Thank you, oh.

You don't know how good this makes me...

feel.

Um...

Great. Thanks.

Well, I-- I guess I should be going.

Wait, um...

I wanna give you these.

They were Ted's.

Oh, no, no, no, really. I--

Oh, please, you've been so wonderful,

it would really mean a lot to me.

They're Ted's balls.

You'd save them?

He liked to roll them around in his hand when he was thinking.

Oh.

Oh, boy.

Are-- Are you okay?

Uh-huh.

I'm sorry.

It's just that I-- I miss him so much.

It's been almost two years

and seeing you there by the desk...

hearing the sound.

It's all right.

Yippee! I'm gonna make it! Yippee!

Oh, you feel so good.

So do you.

- What is your name? - Robert.

To Robert.

Ah, now let me see.

"Roses are red, violets are blue.

I wrote a book and sold it to you."

Oh, this is exciting.

Feel my nipples, Marty, you could cut glass with them.

No, no, thanks, I'll-- I'll pass.

I'm starting to get writer's cramp in my derriere.

Marty, be a good little editor

and get our Miss Pedalbee a new chair.

- Thank you. - That chair is perfectly fine.

You wouldn't make Jackie Collins sit in a chair like this.

Yes, well, there's one very big difference

between Toby Pedalbee and Jackie Collins.

Yeah, Jackie Collins couldn't keep a secret to save her life.

That red one over there on the display looks comfy.

- Fine. - There's a good lad.

Well, interested in , are we?

- Yes. - Hey, hot stuff, coming through, that's it.

Hey, out of the way, buddy. Watch it, just a minute.

Hey, oh, look at this.

My daughter, the famous writer.

Ma, these people are standing in line.

I know, isn't it wonderful?

Here, sweetheart, sign this for Grandma.

The girls in her cell are gonna be so jealous.

"To Nana,

see you in five to ten, love Toby."

Could you move that please?

Oh, look at that.

You got Martin working for you now.

Much better.

Oh, honey,

I'm so proud of you.

Really?

Oh, yeah, I knew you'd amount to something

if you just put your head to it.

Thanks, Ma.

Oh, I love you too.

I love you too, Ma.

See you later, munchkin.

It's very touching. Munchkin, huh?

Don't even think about it.

What the hell is this?

Ma!

What are you doing? I'm gonna call my lawyer.

- Yeah, I don't wanna hear it. - Who put these in my purse?

This is a frame up. Hey, be careful.

- Tell it to the judge, lady. - Hey, watch it.

While you're standing there,

would you get me a cool glass of water?

Put me down now.

Let me tell you something.

And I'd like a Fresca in a bar bottle

with a wedge of lime.

- Anyone else want anything? - New York seltzer.

This is one of the most wonderful sensations I've ever experienced.

I feel like a bird.

Huh?

I feel the presence of spirits in the room.

Ina, wouldn't we be a little more comfortable in the bedroom?

Oh, no, it's-- it's so nice right here.

- Wait. - Is something wrong?

I'll be right back.

There's something I need you to wear.

There's something screwy going on around here.

Try this on.

A smoking jacket.

Okay.

Was it--

He won't mind.

No, no, no, it wouldn't be a mini-series.

It would just be me on TV,

sitting in a chair, reading from my book.

Oh, please.

- I would watch it. - Yeah, you'd be the only one.

Hi, you've reached the offices

of the Toby Pedalbee Fan Club.

All our representatives are busy,

so please leave a message--

- What the hell is this? - An answering machine.

If you're looking for Martin Tupper,

you can reach him at home at 828-5--

Hello?

Okay, that's it. That's it.

Enough with the goddamn book.

Now look, I gave you letters three weeks ago

that are still sitting on your desk.

Nothing's getting done around here,

so keep up the good work.

You're fantastic.

Yeah, that's right, she is.

That's what I'm doing here to talk sequel.

- What? - Oh, yeah, gotta strike while the bloomers are moist.

Come, come, little kittens. Let's have a chat.

Where are you going? Are you insane?

- You can't write a sequel. - Why not?

Well, for one thing, you can't write.

Oh, that. Yeah.

All right, then.

I'll be expecting pages by Monday.

No problem. Monday's good for me.

Well...

...you've finally snapped, haven't you?

You've snapped.

Come on. The man offered me $100,000.

For $100,000, I'd let him test shampoo on my head.

Let me say it real slow.

You and I are fucked.

I can do this. You'll see. How hard could it be?

It's like a big memo with sex in it.

Fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine.

Once more, girls. And with more life.

Fine.

Another Milkmaid by Toby Pedalbee.

"All rights reserved."

Okay, that's it.

That's it. That's enough. I've had it.

What? What's wrong?

What's wrong is I'm not Ted.

You're right. Maybe you could grow a mustache.

I think you're missing the point here, Ina.

Okay? Ted's dead.

He's-- he's dead.

- And? - And you have to get on with your life.

I mean, keeping him on a pedestal

is not going to bring him back.

You-- You're beautiful, you're young.

Please, Ina, please.

You've got to get out of the past.

Take off the jacket.

See? There you go.

And get the hell out of here.

Nice going, Casanova.

Ina.

Get out.

- I-- I just-- - Get out!

Okay. Okay.

Well, Toby, if this is half as good as your last one,

they'll be coming in their cornflakes.

A big breakfast. Oh, that's wonderful.

So, Peaches, this is for you.

Oh, my God.

I never got a check with a comma in it before.

Hi, Martin.

I'm really sorry about what happened the other night.

I don't know what I've been thinking.

You were absolutely right.

Great. Great. Great, great.

That's very big of you to come by and tell me that.

Why don't I call you later?

No, no, I really need to do this now.

No, no, you don't.

- Um-- - Ow.

Uh, Gibby, I got something in my eye.

- Could you help me out here? - Yeah, later maybe.

Marty, you've got the manners of a Viking.

So who is La Belle Rouge?

I'm sorry.

Ina, this is Gibby Fiske.

He's my publisher.

Oh, well, then maybe you should hear this as well.

I didn't want to put my late husband's name on the book

because I was trying to protect his reputation.

But Martin made me realize I should start living for me.

And you have. Congratulations.

Bye-bye now.

But-- What book are we talking about?

- I don't know. - The Milkmaid.

Theodore Dreikoff, my husband, wrote The Milkmaid.

So you're telling me that our Miss Pedalbee here

did not write The Milkmaid?

I had no choice. He threatened my cats.

So this whole thing is one giant charade?

No, Gibby, that's-- that's an interesting question.

- Is it? - Gibby.

I don't know what to say.

Well, I'd say bugger me blue, and hat's off to you.

With Teddy Dreikoff's name on the cover,

this book is gonna sell faster than cucumbers in a women's prison.

No, doubt about it.

As Mrs. Dreikoff, I believe that you and I have

a press conference to call.

Um, Toby.

Two coffees, please. And the check.

Oh, and, Marty, lucky for you I'm in a good mood.

Otherwise, I'd rip off your lips and feed them to the woodchucks.

My office in five minutes.

I guess I'll go change the answering machine back.

I'm really sorry I put you through all this.

It's okay.

I-- I was wondering if I could see you tonight.

Maybe we could sort of start over.

Uh, Ina, I don't know.

- You know-- - We could have dinner at your place.

My place?

- Are you okay? - Oh, yeah.

Easy come, easy go.

Toby, look at it this way.

At least you had your 15 minutes of fame.

I mean, some people never do.

You, for example.

The next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you, will you?

Yoo-hoo! Where's my little star?

- Martin, do me one more favor? - What?

Don't tell her.

Maybe I can squeeze another hour or two

out of the 15 minutes.

There she is.

Oh, there--

Oh, this lousy coat.

Damn.

Supposed to be a surprise.

Oh, well.

Here, honey. Congratulations.

Thanks, Ma.