Original subtitles

Oh!

Ah!

Oh.

I am a rich man!

Your bar mitzvah bonds?

Wow, what are you gonna do with the money?

I'm just kicking around some investment strategies.

I figure I'll put my money to work for me.

Yeah? You have any ideas?

$5,000, hmm.

I could buy myself a farm,

get a couple of chickens, and lay my own eggs.

Well, actually, I was wondering if you had any ideas.

Me? Oh!

Well, in my opinion--

When I say "you," I mean you, or you and Richard.

Or uh, or just Richard.

Martin, if you wanna know what Richard does with his money,

- why don't you just ask me? - I don't.

But now that you bring it up, what stocks does Richard own? Just out of curiosity.

No, Richard doesn't invest in the stock market anymore.

Back when he was raising money for his hospital,

he had sort of a bad experience.

- Took a beating, huh? - No.

When he sold his portfolio,

he inadvertently triggered the '87 crash.

I should've known better.

Well, that was informative.

Well, I hope I've been helpful.

Oh, very, yeah. Thanks a million, okay.

And bye-bye, now.

- So long, Judith. - Toby.

I know just how you feel.

- About what? - This whole investment thing.

You got awful big ears for a small guy.

- Makes your head spin, don't it? - Like a top.

What if I told you there was a number you could call

for investment advice that would double your money like that.

- Really? What's the number? - There is no number.

- That's my point. - What are you talking about?

There is no number yet. That's where I come in.

1-900-555-TIPS.

Home of the hottest stock tips in town.

Extra, extra, read all about it!

Has the mail come in yet?

Look, Martin, I'm telling you,

these numbers are like gold mines.

If I charge a dollar a minute,

I'll be a millionaire in like, a million minutes.

Toby, you can't just start a business.

First of all, where are you gonna get the money?

- That's where you come in. - Pardon me?

Well, I hear you're looking for an investment,

and since you're a good friend,

I'll let you in on the ground floor for say, 5,000?

That's very generous, but no thanks.

Hey, come on, Martin.

In 11 years, have I ever asked you for anything?

Yes, all the time.

Well, then this is my chance to do somethin' for you.

Thank you, but I'm not interested.

Toby, could we just drop this, please?

You know what the trouble with you is? You got no vision.

If you had invested that quarter in my business,

it'd be worth 50 cents in no time.

Instead of a pack of gum, you could be buying M&M's.

Or... potato sticks.

Hey! I took a seminar.

I got my business plans, my budget.

I even got an expert from the Columbia Business School

to work the phones.

No, that's not what I mean.

It's not a bad idea, actually. It's...

It's a matter of business sense.

Some people have it, and some people don't.

I just don't think this is right for you, and--

Oh, why not? Come on, Martin, give me a chance.

For just pennies a day, you could make a difference in my life.

I could be someone, walk tall, and proud.

Please, won't you help?

- Look into my eyes. - I'm afraid to.

- Toby, I-- - Please, Martin.

Look. Deeper.

You won't regret this.

And don't worry, from now on you're out of the loop.

I'll make all the decisions. You'll be the silent partner.

You just sit back, relax, leave the driving to Toby.

Actually, you know, just feel free to keep me informed.

After all, I have a little more experience in the business world,

- and I'd hate to see you... - Run us all into bankruptcy.

...struggle unnecessarily.

Okay, we'll see.

I really appreciate this.

Thanks for believing in me, Martin.

As I always say, fellas,

doin' a good deed is reward in itself.

Hey, I like that.

This isn't gonna bounce, is it?

What do you think you're doing?

- Making a phone call. - Not on my time.

I don't pay you to make personal calls.

Pay me? You haven't paid me in two weeks!

Hey, look, I told you I'm having a little cash flow trouble, that's all.

You know what? Fuck this.

- I'm outta here. - Hey, wait.

How about instead of a salary I'll give you 5% of the profits?

I can make more money selling my blood.

Oh, fine! Leave. Hey, who needs you?

See if I give you any references!

Ohh!

555-TIPS. Hottest tips in town.

Toby, hi, it's Judith.

I heard about your service, and I thought I'd try it out.

Oh, so, did Martin put you up to this?

No, no, no. Uh...

Anyway, I have some money I'd like to invest.

So is there someone that I could speak to?

Uh, well, that would be me.

Okay...

I'm interested in a low-risk stock

with high growth potential.

How much money we talking about?

$300,000.

Oh.

Oh, did I say 100,000? Wishful thinking.

I- I meant 3,000.

Well, would that be in big bills or fives and tens?

It's-- It's in the bank.

Well, that sounds uh, good to me.

Of course, that's just my opinion.

- Get more specifics. - Yeah.

Any specific stocks or um...

companies you could recommend?

Hello?

I'm thinking!

Uh, uh...

$3,000, uh, you know, if you're interested,

I am always looking for investors.

Ah--

whoops, there's the door, I gotta go.

Thanks so much, and good night.

Well, easy come, easy go.

Well, that oughta clear everything up.

You asked for it.

Morning, Toby.

- How's the business going? - You spoke to Judith, didn't you?

Yes. Yes, I did.

What are you doing giving investment advice?

It was a one-time thing.

The phone was ringing off the hooks. It was bedlam.

Oh yeah? What happened to your expert from Columbia?

He was at lunch.

Lunch? Really? At 08:15 p.m.?

Who are you? Dragnet?

- Yes, ma'am. - No.

Don't worry. I got it under control.

- How many calls have you had? - Oh, scads.

- Pin it down. - Can you give me a number?

- I mean, 100? - Ah...

- 20? - Uh...

- Six? - 126!

You're a liar.

Okay, you're obviously having some problems.

I'm gonna go down there tonight and straighten things out.

- No, forget it! - Toby.

I put $5,000 in this business.

You're the silent partner. Why am I still hearing you?

I think I have the right to protect my investment.

- No, you don't. - Why not?

Let me explain with a hypothetical analogy.

Pretend that instead of investing in my business,

you invested in a button company.

We make all kinds of buttons-- big buttons, small buttons,

red buttons, green buttons, round buttons--

I got it, it's a button company.

Okay, now pretend that this button company,

instead of making buttons,

is a small telephone business like mine.

Uh-huh.

Is that making it any clearer to you?

What the hell are you talking about?

What does this have to do with buttons?

I think you're missing the point.

- Which is? - Which is, get off my back!

I am perfectly capable of running my business myself.

- Look-- - No, I don't want to hear it.

At 555-TIPS, I'm the boss. You got it?

Now, at Whitestone, you're the boss.

So if you want me to make copies or get your coffee,

that is my job, and I will do it gladly.

Okay, fine.

Fine.

Could you make me a copy of the Levine file?

Do it yourself.

Oh! Ah! Oh.

555-TIPS.

Home of the hottest tips in town.

What are you wearing?

What do you care what I'm wearing?

Are you wearing rubber panties?

No, what are you, some kind of freak?

Yeah, yeah, I'm a freak.

Well, stick your head in the oven.

Maybe I should. Should I take my underpants off first?

That does it, I'm calling the cops.

Wait a minute. Isn't this the S&M chat line?

S&M chat line?

Oh, I'm sorry. Wrong number.

Wait, wait, wait! Don't hang up.

Yes, this is the S&M chat line.

Oh.

So, uh... Where were we?

Well...

You want some pain?

Yes, oh, yes.

Okay.

Bend your fingers back. Hard!

Ohhh!

Now bang your funny bone on the table.

- Ow! - Again!

- Ooh! - Not so funny, is it?

Oh, hurt me.

Hurt me, hurt me, hurt me, hurt me, oh, yes!

Oh, I love you, Mommy. Oh!

Should I keep going?

No, I'm finished. Thank you.

Okay, nice talking to you.

Gina? It's Toby.

Your sister, Toby.

Look, I got an idea.

We're live, by the way. The numbers are 475-1550.

- Hi, what's your question? - Hi! Hi!

Hi, I'm Janko from Queens.

I would like Virginia to please reveal

her secrets for acting success.

Oh, sure, delightful.

De-lovely, delicious.

Okay, so here's where your interview techniques differ.

You never lick your guests' nipples.

At least, not on the air.

Bye! Bye!

Ooh, another smiling face.

Hey, look, man, your mom's on TV.

What are you, 12?

I'm Lola.

Call me, and I'll teach you a lesson.

- Ow! - Hit him, hit him!

Ooh!

Wait a minute, look. Who's your sister?

I'm Ginger, and I'll get you so hot your head'll explode.

- Oh, really? - Aah!

Just call.

I'm Toby, and I got an attitude.

I got the kinkiest phone sex line...

Holy shit!

Call 1-900-555-WIPS.

You'll be sorry you did. Dial now, or else.

$4.95 a minute, Se habla espa

You asshole. You didn't tell me it was a phone sex business.

Shut up.

Wow!

- Hello? - A phone sex line?

Now you're running a phone sex line?

- No, I'm not running-- - Oh, don't give me that.

I just saw Toby on TV. How can you support that?

That smut! Have you no morals? No decency?

Judith, what are you doing watching The Naked Channel?

Hmm?

I- I um...

I wasn't watching, I was just you know,

flipping through the channels, and... uh-oh!

Call waiting, gotta go.

I--

- What are you doing? - Just a second.

Yeah, hi, um, my name is Martin,

and I've been very naughty.

Gimme that. Eddie, hang up.

Yeah, well, it seems like I can't stop touching myself.

- Eddie! - Yeah, what?

You're gonna do what?

Really, well, I could really get into that.

Hey, what's that bulge in your pocket?

Give me that.

I wanna talk to Toby.

Why? I'm not gettin' you hot?

Gina, is-- is that you?

I'll be anybody you want me to be.

This is Martin, Martin Tupper. I wanna talk to Toby right now.

- Well, she's busy. - Why, I oughta...

But I'd be happy to finish you off.

No, no, no. I don't wanna be finished off.

Okay, have it your way. Spank you for calling.

555-WIPS, home of the hottest whips in town.

Toby, what the hell is going on?

I do not approve of this.

Tough noogies!

Fuck!

555-WIPS!

No, wait, wait, wait! Do not hang up, Toby.

- You and I need to talk. - Sorry, wrong number.

Never trust a telephone. Come yourself.

I'm going down there. Lock up for me, will you?

Hey, no problem. Martin, Martin!

- What?! - Ah, the phone.

Yeah, hi.

I'm naked.

Yeah, bite the inside of your cheek, you know,

like you was chewing something.

- Atta boy! - So bad...

- Yeah, I'm six feet tall. - How's that?

I'm gonna fuck you so hard, I'll get you pregnant.

I'm 5'7", 110 pounds, long blonde hair,

and I'm a cheerleader.

You want some head?

Oh, Martin, what's another word for penis?

- Rex the Wonder Horse. - The Golden Shrimp.

It's my persuader.

- Excuse me. Toby. - So did you like my commercial?

- Do you have a minute, please? - I'm on with a customer.

I don't care. Hang up that phone right now!

Oh, Martin, please. Give me a break.

I'm trying to create a mood here.

Take over on line two, would you, Ma?

Ooh! Ooh, yeah!

That's all right. She didn't bark.

What are you doing here?

What am I doing? What are you doing?

I'm trying to run a company here.

Yes, yes, I know-- a phone sex company.

Oh, and you got some kinda problem with that?

As a matter of fact, I do, yes.

I refuse to support this or any other kind of pornography.

Oh, really? Then why were you watching The Naked Channel?

I wasn't watching, I was just flipping through the channels.

Oh, so now since you're a crusader,

should I get rid of the Penthouse in your desk?

Look, morality aside, you had no right to change the format.

I gave you that money for an investment hotline, not this.

We tried your method, and it went down the toilet.

What do you mean, my method? It was your idea.

Hey To, I got a guy in a diaper on three, can you take it?

Ga, ga! Ga, ga! Ga-ga-ga-ga...

Ah, give it to Aunt Vera.

How's that?

Why can't you give me any credit?

You should be thanking me. We're finally making money.

I don't care. I don't care how much money we're making.

Well then, you're not a very smart businessman, are you?

Look, either you give me back my money or you do what I say.

You know what the trouble with you is?

You can't take it that I'm in charge.

- No, no, that's not it at all. - Oh, yeah? Then, what is, huh?

- Well, it's... it's... - Just answer the questions.

It's a matter of corporate accountability.

As an investor, I have certain rights,

and you have certain fiduciary obligations.

Baloney! Admit it, Martin. You think I'm dumb as a stump.

Yes, ma'am.

All right, you wanna know what I think?

I think that occasionally,

you lose sight of your limitations.

- My limitations? - Yes, yes, that's right.

Oh, I see.

Well, let me tell you something.

How smart am I supposed to look when all I do

is type and file and make coffee?

You know, just because that's all you see me do,

that doesn't mean that's all I can do.

And if you don't understand that,

you're the one with the limitations.

Tobe, Tobe, listen, I'm sorry to interrupt you,

but I got a shoe fetish emergency on five.

I'll get right to it, Ma. See yourself out.

This is gonna be one movie without a happy ending.

What do you want, Shoe Boy?

You're a heel.

I'm gonna make you wear clogs that are three sizes too small.

Oh, you don't think I will?

Morning, Toby.

- How was your weekend? - Fine.

Okay, look, I want to talk to you about the other night.

Okay, I underestimated you, and I was way out of line, and I just...

I'm sorry.

Oh, and, uh, these are for you.

No, I have something for you.

Your money.

No, no, I didn't mean all that.

You know, I was just upset about everything,

and just give it to me whenever.

I have the cash right here.

But if you wanna stick it out, see what happens, choice is yours.

Don't you think you've had enough of that?

Well, maybe it's for the best.

It's not worth risking our relationship

over a few thousand dollars.

Okay then, I accept your apology.

Thank you.

And as a gesture of gratitude and goodwill,

here's an extra hundred.

No, really, that's not necessary.

Consider it a return on your investment.

No, absolutely not, look, I'll take the 5,000,

but whatever profit you made, really, you deserve.

Okay, if you insist.

Well, we got the whole enchilada.

Guess it's back to work, huh?

- Oh, good morning. - Morning.

- Can I help you? - I don't think so.

Miss Pedalbee, did you sign all the necessary papers?

- Sure did, here you go. - Thank you.

And here is your $25,000.

Pleasure doing business with you.

And I mean, real pleasure.

- Who's that? - The diaper guy.

He liked the phone sex so much, he bought the company.

What?

I told you, you should've stuck it out a little longer.

Ten seconds?

Hey, business sense is all timing.

Some people have it. Some people don't.

Why does the law always work for the guilty?

Oh, by the way, Martin,

you know of any good investment tips?

All right, we're through.