Original subtitles

Oh! Thank God you're here. What? W... What's wrong?

I got a caraway seed stuck in my teeth. It's driving me nuts.

D... Do you have some floss or some kind of dental pick?

No. No, I don't.

I'm sorry. Any messages? Production called.

They need your approval on the Landsdale galleys.

Fenniman needs to change his appointment to three o'clock,

and some professor person called.

Something about a TV show. Oh, my God.

It's working its way into my gum.

Wait a minute. That... that last thing. What professor?

Is this a TV show I'm supposed to watch, or... or what?

No, he wants you to be on it.

A guest on a TV show?

No, he wants you to host it.

Who? Toby...

What are you talking about?

Gotcha.

I wrote it all down. Here.

Thank you.

It's called Book Beat. You know, it's kind of a talk show.

This is amazing! How did it happen?

It's in conjunction with Columbia University.

You know, my old English professor asked me if I'd do it,

and I really, uh...

They're from American Chemist magazine.

The swimsuit issue.

Anyway, I start tonight. Tonight?

Yeah. I'm a little nervous, you know?

Oh, don't be, man. If anybody knows books, you do.

And Robin here can tell you what you can do about that shine on your nose.

I can't wait to see it. What channel?

Well, Q.

Q? It's public access.

It's either 26 or 58, depending on your cable system.

That's... great.

I think so.

I see it as a chance to be... On television.

Sort of a spokesperson for literacy.

And I'll be... On television.

Talking to authors and exploring their work

five nights a week.

Prime time? Midnight.

Midnight's good. Yeah.

You know, all my life I've wanted to be...

On television. In a position to share

my love of books and reading.

Bullshit, Martin.

You just want to be on television.

Well, I suppose that plays a part in it.

All clear! Later.

In five, four,

three, two...

It's The Eddie Charles Show,

with your host, Eddie Charles!

It's Book Beat,

with your host, Martin Tupper.

Okay, Wally, you can go. Show's over.

Oh, okay. We're next.

Uh, thanks for coming on such short notice. You know, I'm really...

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry I'm late. Mr. Tupper?

I'm Terri Milton, your producer.

Hi.

You seem awfully y... young.

Oh, not for a sophomore.

You're a sophomore? Yeah.

And you're my independent study project.

This is Duane.

He's our stage manager and cameraman.

Hi. And he's also my boyfriend.

Oh. How cozy.

Twenty seconds. Oh, shit, shit, shit!

Um, here. Go sit over there.

Oh, sorry.

I'll sit... Uh, no, I think... Oh, okay.

Terri, uh,

where's our makeup person?

I have a... a shine problem.

Ten seconds.

In five, four,

three, two...

Cue music.

It's Book Beat!

Hi. I'm...

With your host, Martin Tupper.

Well, go on, boy. 'Tain't every day you get a chance like this.

Go on out there. Show 'em how you can kill 'em dead.

My first guest

is an author with whom I've just started working.

Meet Albert Tarver,

author of Don't Be Shy.

Mr. Tarver,

shyness is a problem for many people.

In fact, you, yourself, overcame it.

What was that like? Hard!

Relax. It's first-night fever. That can happen to an author.

Yet you wrote a book about it.

Why?

The money!

Ah.

I... I think we should take some calls.

Uh, Terri, could you put the number up on the screen?

Great.

We don't have to talk about this book.

We could talk about any book.

And in the eighth grade, I read all of Hermann Hesse.

Um, you know, Steppenwolf, Siddhartha.

But think my love of books started even earlier...

with an elephant named Babar.

An elephant named Babar?

Yeah, well, uh, thanks for watching.

Oh, not just me. I had friends over.

We taped it.

Third, fourth, fifth time we saw it,

soda still came out of my sister Gina's nose.

Yo, Mr. Television!

Your ex-wife's on one.

Jude. Martin, hi.

Can you take Jeremy for dinner Thursday?

Sure, sure. Listen.

Did you send me flowers?

No. Why would I?

Oh.

Well, I just thought, you know,

because of the show last night that, uh...

Martin, I'm sorry.

Uh, Richard was on Nightline.

Oh. Again?

Well, uh, try and catch me tonight.

Yeah, I will. I promise.

Bye. Bye.

Did... did you see these? Somebody sent me flowers!

Well, you did die last night.

Who they from?

An angel from heaven.

A fan.

I have a fan.

Welcome to Book Beat.

As you can see, I have no guest tonight.

I planned on having one,

but my producer Terri wasn't able to call him

because she had a psych midterm.

Sociology.

So...

we'll go straight to the phone.

Wow. Hey, uh...

We have a call!

Hello. You're on Book Beat.

Hi.

I just called to say

that this is my favorite show on television.

Uh, Book Beat?

Yeah. Well, I'm gonna hang up now.

No, no! Don't hang up!

Uh, don't... don't you want to talk about books?

Really?

Could I, with you?

Well, that's what I'm here for.

Wow. I can't believe it.

I can't believe I'm sitting here in my apartment

about to discuss books with Martin Tupper...

Who? The host of Book Beat.

Oh, believe it.

Uh, what would you like to talk about?

Read me a poem.

Read you a poem?

Uh...

I don't have any books of poetry here.

Oh!

Best-Loved American Poetry.

Thank you, Terri.

That... that was fortunate.

And heavy.

Let's see what we've got here.

By the way...

did you like the flowers?

I hope it was okay if I sent them.

Sometimes I get a little...

impulsive.

That was you?

Oh, no, it was a very nice thing to do.

I love flowers. Thank you, uh...

Nora. Nora.

Well, Nora, here's one that's always been a favorite of mine.

"By the shore of Gitche Gumee,

by the shining Big-Sea-Water,

at the doorway of his wigwam,

in the pleasant summer morning."

"Hi..."

What is that?

Oh, I... I think we're having a problem with... with the connection.

Don't worry, Martin.

The connection's just fine.

Go on.

"Hiawatha stood and waited."

This is incredible. You know, last night

a viewer just mentioned she sent me flowers,

and now look at this!

Talk about the power of television.

How 'bout the power of Allerest?

Next time, why don't they cut out the middleman?

Just send pollen.

"Before I found you, I was blushing unseen,

wasting my sweetness on the desert air.

Love...

"Nora."

Oh, well, I guess she's an avid fan.

Crazy kid. Aw.

"Come live with me and be my love,

and we will all the pleasures prove.

Yours forever, Nora."

Uh...

Nora!

Nora?

Who is this Nora? A florist?

I'm mad!

Well, I have a head full of phlegm,

but I wouldn't announce it.

Mr. Tarver, what's the matter?

Read this.

"Dear Mr. Tarver, Martin Tupper is far too talented

to waste his time on your pedestrian books."

"We suggest you find another editor.

Sincerely..."

Nora. Mr. Tarver,

this is somebody's idea of a sick joke.

I mean, I don't even know the woman.

This just came. It was marked urgent.

From Nora.

Nora, huh?

Uh, Mr. Tarver, I...

Thank you.

Uh...

Do not open that box.

"Pink is not your color. Love..."

Oh, not again!

She's obviously been following me. Yeah.

But she's right about that tie.

Eddie, the woman is fixated on me.

Hey, will you get over yourself, pal?

I mean, we are talking Book Beat here.

I know, but the fact is I'm being stalked.

The woman is stalking me!

Calm down. Excuse me.

What? What? What do you want? Ketchup.

I promise, I'll bring it right back.

Okay, okay.

I guess I'm a little paranoid.

Hey, it's rough being famous.

You know, Dad, I think it's so neat

that you're on television.

I mean, Scotty Fenniman's mom saw you last night.

Yeah? And my science teacher.

And Bobby's twin sister. They thought it was the best.

Really? I...

Oh, my God.

So, tell me exactly what's missing, Mr. Tupper.

That's what I'm trying to explain to you.

Nothing is missing.

Everything's just been,

you know, moved around.

I mean, that bed should be in the bedroom.

And this bookcase should be right... right here.

I kinda like it better this way.

It does open the place up, to tell you the truth.

Wait a minute. That's not all. Look at this.

See, someone's been sleeping in my bed.

Well, if she's been sitting in your chair and eating your porridge,

I think we've got a description.

I hate soldiers and policemen

and everyone who's mean to somebody else.

Very funny. Well, I...

Hey, Dad. Look at this.

What... what is this? Romeo and Juliet.

It's a play.

"To Martin, my star-crossed lover."

I pledge thee my troth.

Your beloved Nora.

Who's Nora, Dad?

She's a manic depressive

with a pronounced homicidal drive.

She's just a fan,

a fan who's obsessed with me because I host a TV show.

Aha! Book Beat.

It's on Channel Q.

It's either 26 or 58,

depending on your cable system.

Mr. Tupper, n... nothing personal.

I'm sure you have a lot of on-screen charisma.

Now, why is she stalking you

instead of, like, Jerry Van Dyke?

I...

I don't know why! She just is.

Mr. Tupper, I'll be honest with you.

Uh, redecorating is not yet a crime in New York.

Some people have been known to pay for this service.

So unless we can prove that she's a danger to you,

there's nothing we can do.

I've got to stop her.

Okay.

Let's take another call.

Hello. You're on Book Beat.

Darling, it's me.

I'm sorry to bother you,

but you have a little piece of lint fuzz

on your left shoulder.

I thought I should let you know.

There.

Now, Nora, please, just...

just stop it.

Leave me alone.

You seem awfully tense. Is anything wrong?

You're crazy, lady.

Yeah, something's wrong!

What is it, darling? You're crazy.

Stop calling me darling! Just stop calling me, period.

Now, goodbye.

Hello. You're on Book Beat.

Darling, we were meant to be together like Romeo and Juliet,

Heathcliff and Catherine, Caesar and Cleopatra.

Those were not the healthiest of relationships.

Nora, I don't love you!

Of course you do. We have so much in common.

We both love literature.

We've shared a bed. What?

Okay, your apartment is a little messy,

but I can live with that.

Stop it, Nora! Just stop it!

Don't do this, Martin!

Don't throw our love away.

Leave me alone!

This concludes the audience participation segment

of our program.

Thank you.

I don't think you should do the show anymore.

Not do the show?

You must go on

because you have a talent,

and you will never be happy

unless you express that talent.

Don't you think you're overreacting here?

Martin, this woman obviously has a fragile connection to the real world.

She confuses it with the images she sees on television.

It could happen to anyone.

Bit by bit, she's insinuating herself

into your life, and she's getting closer.

Well, hey, I could give up the show, I could.

But I'm not gonna let one slightly overenthusiastic fan

ruin it for all my other viewers.

Oh!

It's your ego that's suffering.

Here, look at this.

"Rump roast, $1.99 at Shop Time."

No. Here.

"Book Beat host, Martin Tupper is a good guide

"to the world of books," you see?

It's not about me. It's about...

Guiding people to the world of books.

Exactly!

Good evening, and welcome to Book Beat.

Our guest this evening is security expert

Randall Crew,

author of Get the Other Guy First.

Randall...

tell us a little something about the book.

The premise, as such, is very simple.

There's no situation, no matter how threatening,

that you, the individual, cannot handle.

Nobody move! I got a bomb!

Theoretically.

You must be Nora. Uh-huh.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, come on!

You don't really have a bomb.

Oh, no? Get a load of this!

Looks pretty good to me.

Thank you. I made it myself.

Okay. Okay. Everybody just... just stay calm!

If it was me, I'd just want to get out of there fast.

Just take it easy.

One more step,

and I'll blow us all to kingdom come!

That's a literary term. This is an emergency.

Look, you've got to get someone down there right away.

Q. Channel Q.

I... it's either 26 or... or 58,

depending on your... your cable system.

Wait! Hurry!

Okay, in 27 minutes,

we'll be history.

But if you try anything funny,

all I have to do is push this button.

No, no, no, no. No.

Okay, Nora, just stay calm.

Tell me what you want.

I want you to nibble on my neck

while you read the collected works of Herman Melville.

I want to make desperate love to you

on top of the remaindered copies of Sidney Sheldon's latest novel.

No, please, don't.

Don't make me do that. I want you to be my boyfriend!

You two look pretty good together.

You make a nice couple. Absolutely.

Okay.

I'm your boyfriend. No, you're not!

Sweetheart, how can you say that?

I mean, you're... you're important to me,

and I... I care about you.

Oh, sure, now that I got a bomb! You don't love me.

You said it on TV last night. I got it on videotape.

Why don't we just close our eyes to the facts

and nobody'll know the difference. Now what do you say?

But that was before I met you.

You see, now we can get to know each other.

Uh...

do you have any hobbies?

I mean, other than explosives?

Hold it, lady! I'm his wife.

Was his wife. Ex-wife.

Look, I'm a trained psychologist.

We've only got 19 minutes.

Listen to me, Nora. This is between you and me.

If... if you set this bomb off,

you'll be killing innocent people.

He's got a point there. He's right.

Absolutely.

Okay. Then get out.

Now! Not you!

Just sit there!

Nora.

Do you really want to blow us both up?

Oh, yeah, if I can't have you, then nobody can.

And if you die, I have nothing to live for.

I can't argue with you on that.

But there are lots of other guys out there.

I mean you'll... you'll find someone else.

I don't want someone else.

I want you. You're important.

You're on television.

Well... well, sure, I'm on television,

but I... it's really no big deal.

I mean, look, you're on TV right now too.

That's only because I'm gonna blow you up.

You're the one with the TV show.

I'm just like a special guest star or something.

But you could have your own show,

and then someone wonderful might obsess about you.

Well, I wouldn't know how to host a television show.

Oh, sure, you could.

I'll help you.

How 'bout that, Nora?

Just... just look at the camera.

See?

Yeah. That's it.

Hello, I'm Martin Tupper...

and, uh...

And...

Oh, and I'm Nora Abramowitz.

I can shorten it for the listings.

And this is the Nora Abramowitz Show.

Tell us a little something about yourself, Nora.

Okay.

Well, I've worked at Dellman Books

for the last 15 years.

I saw Martin Tupper on television.

I fell in love with him,

he ignored me, and my life turned to shit.

Okay.

And, uh, I'm Martin Tupper,

and I'm basically being held hostage here.

Why don't we go to a call?

One moment, please.

Please.

Is the caller there? Nora, my name is Judith.

I know what you're feeling. You're carrying around a lot of anger toward this man.

Out of the way! Yeah, what's the point, caller?

Oh, good, I thought he'd be toast by now. Shh!

Nora, I know what it is to have your hopes shattered.

I was married to Martin.

At first, I thought he was wonderful.

And when I discovered most of that was fantasy,

I... I harbored great anger

and, yes, even thoughts of revenge.

Thank you for your enthusiasm and your help.

But I worked through my anger, Nora,

and today I'm in a much healthier relationship,

and you can be too.

Now, your first step to recovery

is to disconnect the bomb.

Well,

that's certainly one point of view.

Thanks for calling. Let's take another caller.

Coming through. Excuse me.

Go ahead, caller. You're on the air.

I heard about it on the news.

There's two minutes to go.

Oh, my God.

Well,

Judith, Toby, this is Corinne.

You brought a date to a hostage crisis?

Well, caller,

it sounds like you're in a bad relationship too,

but you don't have to make a bomb.

There are lots of other ways to eliminate your partner.

You can read about most of them at your local public library.

Just ask your librarian for help.

Oh, yeah. And don't let them pull that card catalogue shit either.

'Cause that's what they're there for.

Nora, please. We've got 30 seconds left.

Oh. Right.

I'm sorry. That's all the time we have.

I'm Nora Abramowitz saying

good night and good reading.

No, wait! Wait.

Nora.

You know, you were wonderful.

And I've... I've got some... some great ideas

for tomorrow night's show.

Martin, tomorrow night

they'll still be scraping us off the walls.

But... I'm sorry, but nothing's changed.

You still don't love me.

I mean, we had a good time tonight,

but come on, it was just television.

Say good night, Martin.

In ten, nine,

eight, seven,

six, five,

four, three,

two...

Good night. Goodbye.

Goodbye, darling. Goodbye, Hanky.

One.

Hmm.

Red goes to red.

I'm experiencing technical difficulties.

Please stand by.

I will not die.

I got the button! I got the button!

Martin! Oh, thank God you're all right! Oh, you had us worried, pal!

For a minute there, I thought I was gonna have to pick you up with a DustBuster.

Mr. Tupper! Mr. Tupper!

Whoa, whoa! Give the man a break!

He's just been through a terrible ordeal.

Martin, man, if you need to talk about it, I'm right here for you.

Is tomorrow's show okay? Martin. We're a hit!

Channel 9 just called. They want to pick up the show.

Channel 9, Martin! That's a number!

I'll be watching.

I'm sorry, Terri, you're gonna have to find another host.

But I'm sure there are millions of people

who would kill to be... On television.

Terrorized for your viewing pleasure.

Let... let's get out of here.