Original subtitles

Hi there. At the North Hollywood DMV,

we are driven to please.

(reverse beeping)

* *

We go the extra mile.

Three, two, one.

And every turn is a you turn. (chuckles)

Drive safely, teen.

Ooh, that's a nice shot.

Because at the NoHo branch,

-it's not just the DMV... -(horn honks)

...it's the DM-We.

Smack my puppy, he's beautiful.

Do not drop me.

VIC: Yo, Barb.

Stall three's clogged up again

in el baño.

Real Chernobyl sitch.

-I'd grab a mop. -(exhaling heavily)

* *

Good morning, East Hollywood!

I know I brought you guys in early, but not for work,

for fun. We're doing

a team-building exercise!

So, work.

BARB: If this branch is gonna survive,

we need to do better. Like North Hollywood.

-(groans) -Really?

Which means improving communication.

It's happening. We're finally getting real Wi-Fi.

-We're getting trust. -Oh.

So, we're gonna blindfold up.

Eh?

Then we're gonna guide each other

through the maze that I stayed up

all night working on with my cats.

The goal is to figure out how to reach the suspended...

GREGG: I figured it out.

I'm sorry, Tanya won't let me

eat junk food at home.

She's worried about my heart.

That's not fair. I want a doughnut.

-Yeah, go splitsies? -GREGG: Mm-mm.

BARB: Okay, we can still learn about teamwork,

even if there's no reward at the end.

-'Cause the real prize? -COLETTE AND VIC: Mm-hmm?

Is being a team.

(laughs)

Hard pass.

COLETTE: I'm fasting anyway.

Come on.

What's the dealio, bro?

Well, I think it might be dying.

(whispers): Come on, old girl.

-Yeah. -(laughs)

GREGG: You said that the copier would be delivered this morning.

We can't pretend to work without it.

Get 'em, Greggory. Threaten their children.

COLETTE: Oh, hey.

How was your weekend?

Yeah, good. Uh, Mary and I, we went to the beach.

-We walked by this wedding... -Mm-hmm.

...and she snuck up and snagged this bottle of champagne.

-(laughs) -Ugh, a felon.

Maybe an alcoholic.

Red flag city, bruh.

No, I mean, she's a rebel.

And she's always taking risks, and I love that about her,

-you know? -Oh, yeah.

Same. Me, too.

I've done tons of bad stuff.

Oh, really? Like what?

Oh, God, there are so many.

Uh, hold on, let me get you a good one.

-Okay. -Um,

just so many I could just throw out there.

Oh, nope.

-Don't tell him that one. -(both chuckle)

Hey, how about you keep thinking?

I'm just gonna go do this, yeah?

-Yeah. -Okay, look, you can keep saying

that it was delivered at 8:12 a.m.

in a big blue box. It doesn't mean that it's true.

Okay? Oh, you want a picture of it?

A picture of it not delivered? Okay.

-It's not here and it's not here. -(camera clicking)

-(scoffs) They hung up. -(groans)

Would you guys say that I'm a rebel?

I could say it.

'Twould be a lie.

Yeah, you're goody-goody.

You don't even double-dip a chip.

That is about hygiene.

VIC: Face it.

You're a teacher's pet, Colette.

(both gasp)

BOTH: Teacher's Co-Pette.

That is not fair.

Just last week, this Teacher's Co-Pette

did not return the shopping cart

all the way back to the stand.

-Mm-hmm. -Woof.

Did you give it to another customer?

I did.

-Mm-hmm. -Mm.

Yeah. Bye.

Watch out. I'm off to break something.

BOTH: Okay, Co-Pette.

(both laugh)

* *

This is why we need to work on team-building.

North Hollywood is on the cover of 10 and 2,

third year in a row.

The DMV has a magazine?

Yes, and an internal TV network.

They love to spend money on "not us."

Beau Young.

His employees work so well together,

they're literally lifting him up on their shoulders.

When was the last time you guys did that for your Barb?

I'm so sick of hearing about North Hollywood.

NoHo blows.

They're like the golden child who cleans his room

and does his homework

and gets to climb into bed with Mike and Nancy

because he's their biological son

and it's thunder and lightning outside and it's scary.

I heard NoHo has working locks

on their bathroom stalls. We use tape.

I heard they have a soft serve machine

-in their break room. -No.

Tanya hasn't let me have soft serve in nine years.

BARB: These are all just tall tales,

like Paul Bunyan or blood pressure.

Okay? What is real

is their average processing time.

In there, it says people are only waiting

five minutes at the window.

Our APT? A pathetic 12.

-The difference? -Seven.

It's seven minutes.

I mean... math is for losers.

Who wants to help me kill a nerd?

You're bad at this.

-Yeah. -If NoHo is so fast,

maybe I should register my van there.

Wait a minute, Noa.

That is a great idea.

We're all going over there during lunch.

Oh, my God! Shotgun!

And I'm gonna wait till the last second

to buckle my seatbelt.

Great. I just got to hit the boom boom room.

May I have the bathroom tape?

Yeah. I got you.

Thank you.

The connect-a-dot is a real brain-buster this month.

There goes my afternoon.

COLETTE: Good luck, buddy.

(car horns honking)

AUTOMATED VOICE: Now serving...

Whoa.

...at window number eight.

Welcome to North Hollywood.

* *

Take it all in. (inhales)

The smell of success.

That is vomit.

And it looks an awful lot like our DMV.

Yeah, but they're twice as productive.

We're going to see how they do it.

Now, I want us to stick together as a team.

Here are your assignments-- oh.

And you're gone.

Beverly Cleary!

-(beeps) -(inhales sharply)

Sweet zippy-nippy.

Four minutes and 32 seconds.

Oh.

What sorcery are you up to?

BEAU: Hi there.

(gasping)

Bye. I mean Beau. I mean hi.

Did you come over here 'cause you recognized me

-like I recognized you? -Well,

I came because we've had complaints

of a woman dressed like a movie theater usher

timing customers.

Guilty as charged.

Barb Berry,

Department of Motor Vehicles.

Manager at East Hollywood.

Oh. "Least Hollywood."

-(laughing) -(weak chuckle)

-Oh... -Oh. I'm kidding.

Sorry, little comedy joke.

But, uh, I heard they shut that place down.

Something about a fire or a flood,

or was it rats?

That was actually all one incident,

but, nope, we're still kickin'.

Congrats on the 10 and 2 article, by the way.

Riveting stuff.

Oh, this is out. (laughs)

How cool.

And there's copies out front? What?

(laughs) Yeah, I don't know how they saw this,

but some firemen asked me

to be in their calendar. I said no.

But, sure, I'll sign this for you.

Aw, thanks.

I really just wanted to pick your brain.

I brought my team here to see how your branch

is so daggone efficient.

Ah. A field trip, huh?

Yeah. I took my team to a Dave & Buster's.

They all used their tickets to get me thank-you prizes.

I didn't even ask. (chuckles)

That is so cool.

Well... here you go, friend.

Keep driving.

See ya.

BARB: Whoa.

Even his shoes can drive.

-(laughs): Hey, boss. -Hey, Paulo.

Hey, finally watched E.T.

Plot hole city. (chuckles)

"Keep driving, Borb"?

Oh, I guess I'll just change that "O" to an "A"

and get it to the frame shop.

There you go.

What? You want me to sign it?

Sure.

A sprinkle.

Clear evidence that there is soft serve in this building.

Uh, I don't think that's a sprinkle.

Let me see.

Hmm.

Could be rat bait.

-It is a sprinkle. -I knew it.

You thought it wasn't and you still ate it.

Look, if you're gonna

-join us on this mission... -Yeah.

...you better be cool with eating stuff off the ground.

No problem. Yum, yum in my rebel tum-tum.

All right, baddie, prove yourself.

Figure out how to get past security over there.

(scoffs)

I can get back there easy.

Easy-peasy for a rebel like measy.

-I'm gonna stop rhyming. -Mm. Mm-hmm.

Watch and learn.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Now serving...

(chuffing)

Hey, hello. (chuckles)

If I, uh, if I gave you $20,

would you be able to let me in the back?

Boss, we got a briber.

-No. No, no, no. -BEAU: What?

-Oh, no. No. -No, no, no. I'm not a briber.

-That's not true. Why'd you do that? -Ma'am...

I'm not a briber.

Okay. Everybody has to wait

until their number is called, ma'am.

Yeah. I work here. Not here here.

But, uh, just east of here.

-Okay, you know what? -(feedback squeals)

Attention, everyone!

This lady was cutting the line.

Apparently, she thinks her time

is more valuable than yours.

-(booing) -COLETTE: Uh...

-Oh, oh, no. -Boo!

No, no, no. No, no. Not cutting.

Although I would in another context.

-'Cause I'm a baddie. -Mm-hmm. Sure.

Let me guess, you have to catch a flight.

I've heard it all before.

A flight to catch? Think again.

I actually hate flying because I get motion sickness.

I scream when the little wheels come down

and I don't understand the science of flight.

(booing)

Oh, boo. Like you do.

It's just lift and thrust overcoming gravity and drag.

-Yeah, but the wheels on the plane are... -Security!

They're not gonna come. It's the DMV.

-BEAU: They are gonna come. -Th-They never come.

Can you let go? You're embarrassing yourself.

-This is the North Hollywood DMV. -Oh, wow, they came.

They're really fast here. Oh.

She's strong.

BEAU: All right, everybody.

Back to work.

Sorry about that.

* *

Hello.

Hey, I-I know you're used to dealing with angry cust...

-First name? -Uh, Kanoa.

K-A-N-O-A.

-(typing) -AUTOMATED VOICE: Now serving F27

at window number eight.

(continues typing)

-Hey, what are-- what are you...? -Window five.

Really?

(stammers) Wind...

But that's-that's a bit weird.

I thought you could do registrations

from any window. It's...

All right, I will...

go get another ticket.

And, hey, um...

don't let anyone take your sparkle.

Keep it in your pants, horndog.

Okay.

* *

Hey, Keith. Nice shirt.

See you at softball tonight.

Be cool. You're gonna get us busted.

I'm as cool as they come, bro.

Sup, nerds? I got juiced.

VIC: What are you still doing here?

Thought you'd be getting fitted for an orange jumpsuit

-right now. -I just snuck out.

-Pretty badass. -GREGG: Hmm.

What's the deal with the juice box?

I got so nervous, they thought I was gonna pass out,

so they gave me one. (chuckles)

-(shushes) -(low mechanical humming)

Do you hear that hum?

That's no ordinary refrigerator.

That's the sound of an Electro Freeze 15RMT.

-Soft serve? -(Colette gasps)

-We're close. -(exhales)

Come on.

Hey. Look.

-Soft serve machine? -No.

A.m. delivery, big blue box.

VIC: Those punks.

This is our copy machine

that they got and didn't tell us.

NoHo, they didn't.

(slurping)

-Let's steal it. -Ah.

-As if. -You would never.

Oh, really?

Then why am I picking it up?

(groans)

Then why am I trying to pick it up?

Are you two just gonna stand there

like a couple of soft serves, or are you gonna help me?

-Let's do this. -Thelma and Louise.

On three. One, two, three.

-Whoa. -Oh.

That is...

-VIC: Oh... -I shouldn't have

worn heels today.

-(knock at door) -Guess who-oo?

Don't, actually. It's me, Borb, from earlier.

What are you doing back here?

Helena! You're supposed to be my moat!

I was wondering if we could talk, manager to manager?

Yeah, I-I'm very busy. Helena!

Helena!

God, what, is she finally having her baby?

Look, whatever you want to know, it's in the article.

Rodge did a great job.

There's talk of a biopic.

That's not why I'm here, but title pitch: Run DMV.

Yeah, I already thought of that.

And, uh, why are you here?

Our branches run the same,

but you have a five-minute average processing time.

Your team's so good.

What's your secret?

(sighs) Okay, grab a pen.

-(gasps) -Uh, no, not that one.

(chuckles) Gift from Mariah.

-We register all her rides. -She's stunning.

-Okay, you ready? -Yeah.

Here's the secret.

There is no secret.

A team is only as good as its manager.

So you're saying that if my team's not...

good at working together, that it's my fault?

If the shoe fits.

Y-You're wrong, Beau Young.

I've honed my team into a dedicated group of...

Oh. (chuckles)

The picture of me and LL Cool J?

Of course I call him Todd.

That's a screengrab from security footage,

but we're tight.

That is cool, sir.

And check this out.

-(exhales) -(opens drawer)

It's the feather from the opening of Forrest Gump.

Yeah, I have to go to the boom boom room.

Immediately. Sorry. See ya.

Run DMV. Freakin' genius.

* It's like that *

* It's like that. *

Keep the weight on your back,

-not on your knees. -BARB: Hey!

What in the Raiders of the Lost Ark are you guys doing?

Stealing.

It was my idea.

Yeah, there was a mix-up.

This is ours.

Also, there is definitely soft serve in there,

but, um, this took precedent.

Okay, this needs to go back inside right now.

-That's an order. -No.

-VIC: You gonna come help? -Come on.

What about all that teamwork you talk about?

This is not the teamwork that I wanted.

Barb, a little less talky-talky,

a little more chippy-inny?

Oh, okay.

Yeah, you got to go to window eight.

Really?

Dude, I...

I literally just came from window eight. What are...?

Is this guy giving you guff?

No! No. (chuckles)

No guff given.

Guff is what you would get from a problem customer.

Whereas I'm... I'm...

headed to window eight.

Window eight.

* *

Hey, everybody.

We're home! (laughs)

Oh, no.

-Look. -Oh...

Oh. Oh, no.

Oh, no.

VIC: Why is this suddenly so heavy?

-(clattering sharply) -D'oh.

Oh, gosh.

-Aw, that's busted. -Oh.

Hey, why are there two copiers?

BARB: Oh, I'm the worst manager ever.

Oh, no.

So we-we stole? We committed a crime?

I'm a felon? (giggles nervously)

Well, if it's any consolation, they'll still let you work here.

VIC: Hold on.

Where's the new guy? Let's blame him.

(gasps) Noa.

-We left him at NoHo. -Oh, calm down.

Oh, my God. I stole a copier and abandoned an angel.

Noa is chill. He won't be mad.

It's like you guys are trying to be bad at your jobs!

Really!

Five, eight, five, eight, five, eight!

Make up your mind, Brenda!

I can't live with this.

I'm not a rule breaker. I'm a rule follower.

I would marry the rules if it were allowed, rules-wise.

And she's back, our little Co-Pette.

BARB: There's only one person to blame here.

Barbara Jason Berry. (groans)

I'm never gonna be like Beau.

COLETTE: Well, c-come on. Don't say that.

You know, you're-you're a great manager.

You guys never even call me "boss."

GREGG: That's not true. Just this morning

I told Tanya my boss was making me

come in early to do something stupid.

See?

I meant from a place of respect.

Oh, yeah.

Then no.

(all grunting, murmuring)

Okay, down, down, down, down, down.

-(Barb groans) -Yo no comprendo.

Why are we giving them our working copier?

Because we broke theirs.

It's the right thing to do.

So I don't go to jail.

Well, the door's locked, so we can't sneak it in.

Wait, guys, this building is

basically a mirror of ours, which means...

That everyone inside is happy and fulfilled.

No, that that's the window to the women's restroom.

-Where Colette got stuck? -Oh.

I don't think people remember that.

-We remember. -Never forget.

We just need to get one of us through

so we can go open the door.

COLETTE: But how? I mean, it's too high.

We need to work together as a team...

a pyramid team.

Okay, easy.

Easy. Barb, you good?

Oh, I was born to be a bottom.

If this kills me, that would be good.

COLETTE: Okay, I'm going up.

Nobody look at my feet.

What?

Well, now that you've said that, I've got to see 'em.

-Don't. Please don't. -Ow.

You guys, we're doing it.

The window is the doughnut!

Oh, wow. No rusty nails.

NoHo really has it going on.

Okay.

(grunts) Oh, wow.

Yeah. This is a men's room.

Guess now's a good time to admit

I was a male cheerleader.

Go Comets.

Dismount.

Okay.

Good job, guys.

-Heyo! Come on! -Yes!

-Yes, sir, yes, sir, yes, sir. -Whoo!

(gasps) No, no, no, no, no,

-no, no, no. -VIC: Ah...

(groaning)

Hey. We're gonna take it from the top. Come on.

* *

(groans)

(exhales) I can't believe we pulled that off.

Same.

Did you?

Well, well, well, looks like

somebody didn't make it to their flight.

-I never had a flight. -Yeah, I know.

Because you were too busy stealing my copier.

Yeah, that's right, I saw everything on my cameras.

I was hoping your pyramid would collapse

so I could post it on my very successful

-TikTok fails account. -BARB: Beau, please.

This is all just a huge misunderstanding.

Well, have fun explaining that to Sac-town.

Sac-town? (snorts)

-Does he hear himself? -"Sac-town."

Say goodbye to your branch, Least Ho.

There you guys are! I thought you'd left me!

-No. We'd never. -Uh, no.

-Literally never. -What?

Man, this place is the worst!

It's the devil's merry-go-round!

I knew there was a rugby player in there somewhere.

Wow, I'm scared, but I like it.

Wait, this guy's one of yours, too?

Is anyone working at your branch?

Is anyone working

-at your branch?! -Oh, my God.

They have a low average processing time

because they've rigged the system.

If they can't solve your problem in five minutes,

they send you to another window

and then they close your ticket.

-Five, eight, five, eight, five, eight. -What?

That's the most evil thing I've ever heard.

Oh, yeah. They finally told me that to register my van,

I had to go back to East Hollywood.

Oh. That place sucks.

Wait. So the secret is...

you cheat?

(scoffs)

(scoffs twice)

I'll take that triple scoff as a yes.

BARB: I looked up to you, Beau.

But you know what?

You don't deserve the cover of 10 and 2.

You're just a snake in wheelie shoes.

Yeah, man, you deserve the cover of 6 and 9.

I'd rather work for Barb any day.

Really?

You know what? Let's get out of here...

boss.

-You called me "boss." -Wait, hold on,

you still stole my copier.

Hey, hey. You got something on us,

we got something on you.

No need to tattle.

'Kay?

-Hmm? -All right, then.

Are we done here?

-(scoffs) -BARB: Yeah.

Nah.

-Psych. (chuckles) -Loser.

One more thing.

Do you or do you not...

have a soft serve machine?

I stole it from the McDonald's I used to manage.

I knew it!

Here are the terms I'm prepared to offer:

one cone, no toppings.

(Gregg chuckles)

(Gregg and Vic laughing)

(whispering)

Here's our counter:

two cups, one topping.

(whispers)

Maraschino cherry.

(chuckles)

Nice try. "Cups"?

(scoffs) I say yes, you're filling up buckets.

I once got banned

for bringing a duffel bag to unlimited breadstick night.

That's genius.

One cone.

-One non-cherry topping. -What?

Deal...

Least Ho.

More like Most Ho. Vic, our cone?

-(laughs) -Oh, drats.

(Gregg laughs)

-(Vic grunts) -You got a lot to learn, kid.

VIC (laughs): Traffic cone.

Did you wash that cone?

We didn't think of it.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org