Original subtitles

That's a big one.

I never forget a cough, and I don't believe I've met George before.

My name's Joy.

It's yours.

Don't tell me.

Better if I don't know.

It's better if we just don't know each other.

Let's just be strangers.

Oh.

I can't see what I'm doing.

Hello.

It's as much of a mystery to me as it is to all of you.

Yes, I was the first to arrive, but all I found was this note here on the front

door.

So you told us.

You went into the house, the door was unlocked, the house was empty, and our

host, apparently missing.

Yeah, and then you came, and then the others.

What the hell did the note say?

Well, the note simply says, To all my distinguished guests, please come in and

make yourselves at home.

Rooms have been prepared for all of you.

You will find your names noted on the doors.

Please stay the night. I will arrive in the morning to discuss the business

which links all of us together.

And it's simply signed J .M.

That's it?

Nothing about the business involved?

That's it.

Look, all I know is that I got half a thousand dollar bill in the mail. And

promise that if I showed up... I would make the cover of Glamour magazine.

Hey, hubba hubba ding dong.

Well, you should, in case the rest of you don't recognize this beautiful young

thing. Her name is Prissy Priscilla Vogt, a very, very famous fashion model.

Well, I guess we're all here for the same business.

If you don't recognize me, my name is Trevor Fairbanks, the actor.

Thank you.

But I also received half a thousand dollar bill in the mail with half a

with a letter attached to it that said that the script would be mine if I would

meet with you all here tonight.

And it was signed JM.

However, this woman is a doctor.

Yes, they call me Dr. Rhythm Eater. I got the same half a thousand dollar bill

and an invitation to a golf tournament.

Hey, Doc, I got this little prostate problem here you might be able to help

with. Stop by and check it out a little later, huh?

Well, none of you will recognize me by my name, but I'm Inspector Number Six.

I inspect clothing for a living.

I'm sure you've seen my little tag with my number in your suit pockets or even

sometimes ladies' underwear.

The letter I got said that I would, dare I even say it, become Inspector Number

One.

honeys. Sugar white's the name, and making rich boys smile is my game.

I received half a thousand dollar bills, and honey child, that's all I needed.

Whoa, double hop -bop -bop -bop -bop, mama.

Left the road, dear. My friends call me slick.

I sell.

And I got me a new product line that's gonna make me filthy rich.

But even if it don't...

If I can just go home with the other half of this thousand dollar bill, I'm

still going to be a happy motherfucker.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. What are we all doing here? We're all strangers.

We don't have anything in common.

I want to go home.

I sold you water, number eight, huh?

Number six, number six.

Six, eight, whatever.

I was going to suggest we're all a bunch of human beings here, but now I'm not

so sure.

Well...

I think our host's intentions will come out in the morning, and I suggest you

show a little patience, number nine.

That's number six, Mr.

Fairbanks. The inspector does have a point.

Yeah, right on top of his little head.

What could this J .M. want from all of us? An actor?

A model?

A clothing inspector?

A woman who has obviously sucked her way to the bottom.

And a man with no apparent taste in clothing.

Hey, I think we all got something in common here.

Fairbanks here, Sugar, Prissy, they're all entertainers.

In fact, I happen to be an entertainer myself.

So what happens when I got a little something here?

Just might interest you.

You see, it seems like there's some people here that just don't know when

time to laugh at a good joke.

Just so happens I got the official Slick Rose rim shot on a belt by Whamco.

That's right, you just take this little baby here, stick it on the old belt, hit

the button, glamour.

Class stuff, huh, baby?

Hey, uh, got something for you, Prissy.

I'm sure you can use it.

The official Slick Rose dick on a stick.

Oh, my God.

Runs on 120 volts, plays the theme song from 12 adult movie classics at the same

time.

Maybe you want to use it for a, uh, layout.

1995, no ups, no downs, no extras.

I'll think of you every time I use it.

Hey, doll, why think of me when you can have me?

Oh, what are you, cop, the doll of 98?

No ups, no downs, no extras, honey.

I like your style, doll face.

Listen here, slick honey, you got anything in that bag for little sugar

Tell you what, why don't you come over later and see if I can find a little

something for you?

Not so little, huh?

Go away, then.

Holy hot pants.

Another beautiful doll.

Old Slick must have died and gone to heaven.

Oh, yes, I forgot to mention, this young lady arrived last night after I did.

Joy was your name, wasn't it?

That's right.

Is everyone here because of the hunting?

Contine. Is that what this is all about?

Hey, isn't that the investment club the mild man belongs to? Right. A group of

people get together and pool all their investments.

Then, the last living man gets all the money.

Or a woman.

Or a woman. Whatever. It's a statistically known fact that women live

years longer than men.

Oh, yes, but you're talking about death of natural causes. Why, everyone in the

original canteen died from a hotel fire at their annual meeting.

It's hard to say.

So we must all be the heirs.

Hey, you didn't know you were in lines for some bill, huh?

It had to be my crazy aunt Gladys.

Well, honey, I think you're going to be getting some big bucks.

If she lives.

Well, on that cheery note, I think I'm going to... Retire and lock myself in my

room. Sounds like a good idea.

Hey, don't forget to take my little gift with you so you don't get lonely.

I'll keep my ears open for the sound of music.

I don't believe I've had the pleasure of an introduction.

I'm Joy.

Hi, Joy. My name is... No, don't tell me.

good to see you again.

Oh, Priscilla, why, what a pleasant surprise.

You're as lovely as you were that moonlit night in Rio.

Oh, take me, Trevor.

Take me and use me the way you did that night.

The camera!

What? I set it up earlier.

I always take pictures of myself in bed.

After all, I am a model.

Well, what do I do?

Just flip this way.

He takes a photo every 30 seconds.

This camera?

That camera.

But this one?

That switch.

Right here? Right there.

Oh.

I can't wait any longer.

I love that.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my.

Joy. I just thought you might want some company.

Joy, really, I can explain.

No, please don't.

No, really, I can explain. I do this for a living. I'm an inspector.

Say no more.

Just let me think of you as you are.

I'm sure you know how to do it, don't you?

Oh, yeah.

I bet you have one of your own.

out to run.

Rude.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, sit down.

Wait, wait.

So you got me.

I don't know what the fuck is going on.

Just wait here. I'll find out.

Thank you, Trevor.

Oh, well.

Why not?

I still have film in the camera.

Where's number three?

I thought you had him, Fairbanks. Don't look at me. I'm not going to do manual

labor. I'm an actor, not a coroner.

Never mind. I'll go carry in the little guy.

What happened?

Well, number four is dead.

Oh, no.

How?

Well, Doc here says it looked like he tripped and broke his neck coming down

stairs.

Except I don't think he tripped. I think he was pushed.

Which means one of us did it.

This is awful.

I thought I'd known number nine all my life.

It's number six, sweetie.

But he's number zero now because he ain't there.

What do you mean?

I mean he ain't there.

Well, that's impossible. The doctor just said he was dead.

At least I thought he was dead.

Well, look, I ain't staying no place where dead guys get up and walk around,

right? I'm going up to my room to pack.

I'll help you.

Well, hey, my last two movies were bombs.

I'm sticking around to see if I can make some money on this Tontine thing.

Yeah, and I'm going to stay around for this meeting with this mysterious J .M.

I like seeing new people. I think I'll stay, too.

He's really going to leave.

No way, baby.

There's money to be made in this place.

I ain't going nowhere until I get my share.

So why don't we just stay in this room and close the door and lock it up?

What makes you think you can trust me?

Well, we're kind of in the same business, sugar cakes.

I mean, how many customers do you think I fucked?

So, uh, besides, we can just trust each other and have a little fun while we're

at it.

I tell you what, you better get out of them panties real quick.

Why? What's the hurry?

Well, can't you hear?

Help me. Get me out of here.

Get slick.

Get slick and get me out of here. Hurry up, honey. Come on.

Come on, honey. Fuck me. I want that bitch's little dick now. Come on, honey.

Fuck me. Fuck me now.

Why, you nasty little shit. How'd you do that?

Why, it's right here in this little book.

How to get chicks naked with ventriloquism on 895.

No ups, no downs, no extras.

Speaking of down, why don't you let me go down on a little of that?

Don't need a book for that.

Yeah, whack that on a lipstick.

Wow.

That's not the item I got, baby.

There, Carmen.

Oh, dear.

I had my own day. Thank you.

You didn't do it.

By the way, I'm a professional.

Don't project at all.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh.

Wait a minute, can't you hear her? Come on, you haven't played that trick one

time too many times. No, no, she's screaming at me fast, can't you hear

You can talk to us, can't you?

I can't even see.

That's a great joke, Daddy.

She must have got electrocuted with the vibrator stuck in her pussy.

Doctor, doctor, can you take a look?

Sure, if you want me to.

Looks like the vibrator shorted out and electrocuted her.

Must have been some orgasm.

Slick, you gave her that vibrator, didn't you?

Hey, don't look at me. I don't make them, I just sell them.

Besides, honey, Sniffles... me when it happened yeah no no she was alone when i

left her if anyone did this it would be recorded on the camera

too bad we can't get that film developed i know how to develop film honey you

see some of my customers like to have their pitches taken yeah but you need a

dark room and a developer well look here now slick honey we can use one of the

bathrooms for a dark room and Honey, you'd be surprised at some of the shit

Sugar Baby has in her purse.

Well, listen, Sugar, why don't we go down to the bathroom and see what

developed?

Well, I need another drink.

What are we going to do with the body?

I guess we should leave it here till morning because there's no funk here and

there's no use leaving until tomorrow.

Well...

Two down and four to go.

Right, Doc?

And the one that's left gets all the money.

Yeah. And so far, both deaths have been made to look like accidents.

Mr. Fairbanks?

Mr.

Fairbanks, what's wrong?

The wine.

It's poison.

poison another accident only three more to go we're in the

house with a very shrewd killer

suddenly I don't feel too

well can I get you something to drink um no thank you

you don't feel hot oh yes I do

really know you.

You're like a stranger.

um

Thank you.

Sounds like bad plumbing.

I don't think it was coming from you.

No?

Sounds like a woman screaming while her head is being held under a sink full of

the Philippine solution.

It's sugar.

She's been drowned.

Then Slick did it. He killed all of them.

is the killer.

That's ridiculous.

We were together when Slick and Sugar were murdered.

Well, everyone else is dead.

Not everyone, my good doctor.

He's alive.

That's right.

I used this as a little trick to flush out the real killer.

But I smelled the wine.

It smelled like rat poison.

Oh, that was a store -bought brand, my dear.

Plain rats.

Don't you know?

But we still don't know who the killer is.

Well, we know it's not one of us because we were all together when Sugar

gurgled. It wasn't me either.

Priscilla, you're alive.

As you can see, I decided to play it safe.

You can't kill someone who's already dead.

But your hair, you were electrocuted.

Hardly, Trevor.

It was a wig.

I fooled even you.

Yes, and I fooled you.

I didn't break my neck. He only broke my heel.

The doctor, he said you were dead.

I said he looked dead.

I'm no expert.

But you said you were a doctor.

A PhD.

In poetry, not medicine. You misunderstood.

No, doc.

You misunderstood.

I was never drowned.

But I saw your head in the sink.

I was washing my hair while Slick went to get the developer.

Well, it looks like he found something else.

Yeah, but it's only a novelty item.

See, I didn't want anybody to think that I was knocking anybody else off.

But since nobody is really killed... What's going on here?

Well, who are you?

My name is Jacob Myers. I'm the attorney handling the Taunting case.

I take it you seven are the heirs?

Well, I've got some bad news for you. All that's left of the tontine is the

thousand dollars that I cut up to lure you all here.

Then why did you bring it here in the first place?

How else is anyone supposed to get seven bimbos like you all in one place at one

time?

Boy, I thought a tontine was worth millions and millions.

It was until some moron invested the whole thing in liquid prophylactics.

Hey, hey, wait a minute. I heard about that.

You take your dick and you stick it in this liquid, and next thing you know,

you've got a form -fitting rubber, right?

Only problem is, every guy who tried using it, the hole was plugged, and they

blew their brains out the first time they came.

Now that you all know that, I'll go to bed.

You're all welcome to spend the night.

Thank you for coming.

Um, excuse me, stranger.

Mind if I walk you to your room?

Not at all.

Care to see my brief?

Sure.

Well, now what do we do?

It's not going to be daylight for hours.

Well, why don't you let the old doc here examine you?

I told you, I'm not a medical doctor.

Hey, Doc, cool it.

The less we know about you, the better, you know what I mean?

Yeah. Come on, number eight, let's swap panties.

Number six.

Honey,

if that ain't an eight, I ain't never seen one.

Oh.

You know, that's some crazy clothes anyway, remember?

Yeah.

Is it daylight yet? Mm -hmm. Hey,

daylight to the cock crows. Don't you know that, number 12?

Yeah.

Good night, number 12.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh!

The following movies are available exclusively from Excalibur Films.

To order now, call 1 -800 -BUY -MOVIES.

That's 1 -800 -B -U -Y -M -O -V -I -E -S.

You Joe Thursday?

How's that?

Thursday. Joe Thursday.

That's right.

Candy. Candy Monday.

Monday. No.

Mon -di.

Then what kind of name is Monday?

That's Mon -di.

It's fresh.

Well, what can I do for you, Monday?

You got something against lady cops?

It's just when the heat's on, I want a man behind me.

A lot of men in San Francisco feel that way.

Look, I'm not asking you to marry me.

Just work with me. Show me the ropes.

Yo, yo.

Little virgin girl, you have such a sweet mouth.

Oh, this is your salvation.

Oh, praise Reverend Swipwell.

You preach inner peace through inner chorus.

That's right, officer.

Do you know a better way?

I'll ask the questions around here, Buster.