All language subtitles for S02E10 China-Curious

Previously on "Splitting Up Together"...

I had this erotic dream
about my ex-husband

wherein he reached down
and unsnapped my bodysuit.

Are you making a pass at me?

One snap left.

Maybe we revisit that third snap.

Mm, you gonna pack that bodysuit?

Why do I tell you anything?

Do you get depressed, every other week?

When you have to leave
this really comfortable bed

and go sleep in a dusty, old garage?

Are you kidding me?
I am not complaining.

I just got Martin back
on board with cohabiting.

I am happy as a clam.

But I do miss having all
my clothes in one place.

And the bar from that
pull-out sofa is murder.

But other than those two things

and the fact that I saw a
scorpion in there last week,

the garage is pretty much perfect.

Well, perfect.

I also don't love feeling
shut out of the kids' lives...

Gotcha. So it's just that
excruciating back pain

and being shut out of the kids' lives,

scorpions...

Maybe I am complaining. Sorry.

What's new with you?

Oh, thank you for asking.

I got the results back
from my amnio and...

- I also can hear street traffic.
- It's a boy!

Oh, my gosh!

- Oh!
- Mm.

♪ Keep giving me hope for a better day ♪

♪ Keep giving me love to find a way ♪

♪ Through this heaviness
I feel I just need ♪

- ♪ Someone to say everything's okay ♪
- Sync/Corrections PetaG - addic7ed.com

♪ Everything's okay ♪

These are really good
with chocolate chips.

Oh, we should do that next time.

'Sup, Sad Boys?

What's good in the hood?

What's Gucci?

China made coconut fat
bombs. Want one, Lena?

Did you just call me by my name?

They're kind, raw, and vegan.

Oh, I didn't know you were vegan, China.

That's so admirable.

So, to call China a
"vegan" is reductive.

Reductive?

It's fine. It's just,

you know, I only eat
what's granted me consent.

So sometimes I do eat animals...

But only if they're suicidal?

The chicken has to be like,

"I swear to God, I'll do it!"

Um, hi... Bae watch.

So bae. Way bae.

Sittin' on the dock of the bae.

I can't tell if I want
her or if I want to be her.

No, I do. I want her.

I didn't realize you were into girls.

China! That is so cool.

Lena, why do you feel the
need to label everything?

It's okay. She probably doesn't realize

that labels, by definition,
are attached to objects.

- So when you label, you objecti...
- Objectify, right!

Guess I've been objectifying
my spice rack all these years.

Forgive me, Cream of Tartar!

No, but seriously, I get it.

Okay, well, if you're desperate
for a marker, I identify as "queer."

What?! Are you kidding
me? That's my favorite.

"L," "G," "B," "T" are great
letters. But "Q"? Oh, my God.

"Q" is the best one.

- Do you want to go upstairs, Mae?
- Yeah, we can, uh,

do a two-person massage train

- and call our senators.
- Uh-huh.

I'll stand by "Q"!

♪ I'll stand by "Q" ♪

♪ Won't let nobody hurt "Q" ♪

♪ I'll stand by "Q" ♪

♪ I'll stand by "Q" ♪

I don't know if I'm all the
way ready for you to leave yet.

Well, that's because
you're obsessed with me.

Well, that's not not true.

- Text me the second you're home?
- Duh.

- Quick pic before you go.
- Okay.

Oh... geez, Dad. Lurk much?

Same here. My parents are
full-blown stalking me.

- I gotta go.
- Okay.

- ILY.
- ILY-SM.

Hey.

So, how long you guys been official?

Uh, 3 1/2 gratifying, joy-filled weeks.

Wow. And you're already ILY'ing?

Uh, privately, yeah.

Bron wants to wait a few
months before we take it public

so people root for us.

I'm worried about you, bud.

I'm worried that you're re-creating
Hazel-gate all over again.

Hazel and Bronwyn are
very different women.

Understood. But your game's the same.

Listen, Mace. You're a
heart-on-your-sleeve type of guy,

and that's admirable,
it is. But this time,

I think you need to
show a little restraint.

I just can't, Dad. I love love.

And guys like me, Arthur,
Elon Musk, Kelsey Grammer...

we can't live without it.

I-I appreciate that, son,

but you have to leave
yourself somewhere to go.

I guess I probably shouldn't
have hid those love letters

in her PSAT-prep materials...

Hey, maybe they fell out.

But if not,

try to have some chill,
going forward, hmm?

A little aloof goes a long way.

- ♪ Yeah ♪
- Mmm.

♪ Yeah ♪

- I can't.
- It's kind of cute.

- I double dare you.
- Knock, knock!

Lena! I thought we'd been
over the "knock-knock-enter."

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

What are you sorry for?

Mom, can China sleep
over? No school tomorrow.

Oh, honey. We'd...

have to ask your dad
since it's almost his week.

But since you asked during mine,

I guess I can answer.

- No.
- No? Why?

Because I got an e-mail from
the school about strep throat.

It's going around. So I
think, for health reasons,

it would be better for you
girls to sleep separately.

And also, remember to wash your throats.

Wash our throats?

You also may want to un-pretzel.

Um, just 'cause I'm worried
about your circulation.

Appears that your mom is
uncomfortable with intimacy.

No, no. Not uncomfortable with intimacy.

Just a little confused.

I'm confused, too. Because you
said that you "Stand by 'Q'."

Remember? You were...
you were singing it.

- Really loudly.
- While we were walking upstairs.

I did. And I still do.

In my defense, I don't know
the verses of that song,

so it may have seemed like more
of an anthem than I intended...

- Lena?
- Mae.

I guess I'm wondering
what the status is here.

Should I mark you two as
BFFs? Or something more?

I feel like we shouldn't have
to embrace a norm-core narrative

just to make it easier for
you to comprehend, you know?

Totally. Totally.

It's just, as a parent,
it's my job to have rules.

And the rules may change

if there are feelings involved.

Well, of course there
are feelings involved.

♪ I don't want to be your friend ♪

♪ I want to kiss your lips ♪

Did we answer all your questions?

- ♪ I want to kiss you ♪
- If so, please leave.

♪ Until I lose my breath ♪

And close the door on your way out.

♪ I don't want to be your friend ♪

♪ I want to kiss your lips ♪

I think Mae has a girlfriend.

Also, what are you still doing in here?

I think I fell asleep.

Seriously? Gay Mae?

Ooh.

This is the most interested
I've ever been in her.

Well, I'm all for it, but it's
like Spoon-Plantation in there.

And now she wants her
girlfriend to sleep over.

I fully expect my baby to be a QUILTBAG.

- A what?
- A QUILTBAG...

Queer or questioning,
undecided, intersex,

lesbian, transsexual, bisexual,

allied/asexual, genderqueer.

Okay, I don't know which
one of those Mae is or isn't,

but I need to go talk to Martin.

You know, you have to
leave at some point!

- Hey.
- Hey.

I'm making dinner, if you're interested.

"Nachos Del Martino."

The secret is the tomatillos.
They really level it up.

No, thanks. Listen, Mae has China over.

Oh, that's fine. There's plenty.

Yeah, Martin, this isn't nacho-related.

I don't think China
should sleep over anymore.

No school tomorrow.

That's not the point.

We wouldn't let Mason have
Bronwyn sleep over, right?

Yeah, right, but that's
boy/girl. Mason's dating Bronwyn.

- Martin, what I'm trying to tell you is...
- Dad, can China sleep over?

Wait, he's still "Dad"?

Please? Neither of us have strep.

- Ahh.
- All right.

- I...
- Well, I think it's... It's okay with me.

Thank you, Daddy. Love you.

Cool system.

You get a no, and then you just
take it to the higher court.

Oh, I see. You girls don't
have a problem with male power

when it works in your favor.

- Why can't you just back me up?
- What are you worried about?

I think that the two of
them are more than friends.

And it makes sleeping
over more complicated.

Why? They're both girls.
No one's getting pregnant.

- Okay, that's not my only concern.
- Oh.

Also, it's a huge double standard.

If we won't let Mason's
girlfriend sleep over,

then the same boundaries
should apply to Mae.

Boundaries, huh?

If I recall, someone's boundaries

got a little bit blurry
the other night...

Snaps were unsnapped.

- Or don't you remember?
- I remember...

- a portion of the events.
- Mm.

This is not about us, Martin,
all right? This is a big deal.

And I know I'm supposed to
just disappear into the garage

and let you tell me all
about it later, but...

no, I don't want to
do that. Not this week.

Okay. So what are you proposing exactly?

I wanna stay in the house,

and I want to navigate this whole
thing together, for better or worse.

That's called marriage.

- You just proposed marriage.
- No...

Just admit it. Don't
hide behind the kids.

You made a huge mistake.
You want me back. Bad.

- You are delusional.
- Am I?

You need to be more honest
about your feelings, Lena.

And if you are gonna propose,

I'm gonna need you to
get down on one knee.

I did it for you.

You make your jokes, fine, yeah.

And then when this
whole Hormonal Chernobyl

blows up in your face,
don't come crying to me.

Hormonal Chernobyl? That is
some highly adept wordplay.

I gotta clap you out for that one.

Whoo!

- ♪ Baby, don't make me spell it out for you ♪
- You have a psychotic

amount of nail polish.

I feel like if we acknowledge
self-care as a privilege,

then maybe it's okay?

These pedicures are a response to
our institutional lack of empathy.

And your mother.

Either of you got a hot plate?

- Milo, get out.
- Okay, okay.

It's almost impressive
how little your family

respects the contract of a closed door.

I'm getting a dead bolt.

I'm telling you, man.
The tides are turning.

The second they sense
you're not interested,

they just start throwing
themselves at you.

Hell-o! Sex with the
ex who wears specs?

No, no, no. No sex. No specs.

But the other night, she
put on her bad-girl overalls.

You know the ones where you
can almost see something...

- OshKosh m'gosh!
- Lena tried to seduce me.

And then tonight, she tells me

that she wants to move
into the house together

to deal with some "parenting issues."

What parenting issues?

- Bronwyn. Everything okay?
- _

No. Everything not okay.

Mason wasn't returning my texts,
so I took a screenshot of my texts,

three dots and then nothing.

What can I tell you? He's
a hard man to pin down.

He's like the wind...

- Mason? The middle boy?
- Mm-hmm.

You see that? What'd I say?

I told Mason to gently
apply the cold shoulder,

and here she is. Moth to flame.

It's more like moth to
your teenage son's bedroom.

Is that even allowed?

Ma-Mason won't even get
undressed in front of me.

He showers in board shorts. He
shares a room with his little brother.

I think we're safe.

You know what?

I used to be a shy guy.

I shared a room with my
grandparents, "Willy Wonka" style.

And let me just say, I made it work.

What are you doing down here, huh?

You're supposed to be upstairs
protecting your brother's virginity.

I mean, do you want to break up?

- Like, if so, just say it.
- No.

That's the very last
thing on Earth I want.

It's just, my dad thought

that if I didn't have more
chill, I would scare you off.

If I wanted chill, I'd
be dating Jake Tapper.

But you? You're ardent and unbolted.

It's why ILY.

You are seriously gonna slay the PSATs.

And I'd marry you right
now if it were legal.

I'd marry you, too.

I was saving myself,

but since we're theoretically engaged...

Okay, let's get some fresh
air in here, shall we?

Bronwyn, loving your
level of investment here,

but you need to harness all
that energy into leaving.

- Hit the bricks, kid.
- Yeah.

So, my girlfriend has to leave

while Mae is on a field trip to China?

- It's not the same thing, Mason.
- I know!

Because Bronwyn and I
don't take baths together.

Oh!

Gotta bounce, China. That's
it. Towel off and go home.

What's wrong with you?

I want every door on this floor open.

I want all of you to towel off.

I'm not "toweling off"
with the door open.

And I'm completely dry.

- Towel off! All of you!
- You towel off!

Your macho '90s advice
almost ruined my relationship

- with Bronwyn.
- Okay, slow down!

There is no need to take
this out on the '90s.

She doesn't like mind games, Dad.

You and I? We are due for "the talk."

And what about me?

Exactly.

That's what we want to know.

Hey, no, no, no, no. D-Don't close
it. Don't close it. Don't close it!

Mason. Mason. Mason!

You were right. It's crazy up there.

There were closed doors,
there were locked lips,

and kids in kimonos, and Milo is...

Do you have Milo?

Oh, you know what? I think I
saw him earlier. Never mind.

I told you. They're really
teenagers now, Martin. It's scary.

I know, but I thought
we were gonna side-step

- all this stuff.
- Me, too.

I thought it was gonna be all, you know,

fan-fic and Reddit
threads until college.

- But we're here.
- Oh, we're here.

- And if we're too strict, they'll rebel.
- Yeah, and if we're too loose,

they're gonna group bathe and
start trash-talking the '90s.

I'm still so steamed.

I'd always had such confidence
in our parenting skills...

well, mine. But now according to Mae,

I am labeling, objectifying,
and afraid of intimacy.

Look, I don't wanna go
back up there alone, okay?

Will you take my hand in
parenting our horny children?

I will.

I'd feel a little more comfortable...

talking privately...

- with Mom.
- _

And I'm not loving either of
my options, but I prefer Dad.

- W...
- No.

Well, Th-Th-that's not how we're
doing this. You both have us both.

From now on, you're not
going to get different answers

on Mom Week or Dad Week.

- We are going to have house rules.
- And we're sticking to 'em.

No more playing both
sides against the middle.

That said, we are very interested
in hearing what is working

- and not working for you.
- Yes.

Okay, the floor is now open.

I am sick of sharing a room with Milo.

I want privacy like Mae has.

Me? I don't have privacy.
I want a lock on my door.

I want a new mattress in the garage.

Please. I can't sleep
on the sofa bed anymore.

Well, I want you to try my
nachos the next time I make them.

They're really good, and
I think you'd be impressed.

Well, I think this is all doable.

Especially the nachos thing.

- Were you being serious?
- Yes, I was.

Look, you guys are clearly at the
age where you need your privacy,

and we want you to have to have it.

Because we trust you.

So, on Mom and Dad Weeks,

your doors can be closed.

As long as the communication is open.

And Bronwyn's parents are okay with it.

And what about China?
Can she still sleep over?

Unless she's your girlfriend,
and then she cannot.

But we trust that you will let us know

when or if that "label" applies.

♪ Yeah ♪

- Nope.
- What about my lock?

No locks.

Well, what about Milo?

Oh, uh, your mom and
I talked about this.

We're getting rid of him.

- Seriously though, where is Milo?
- No.

I don't...

Milo?

Milo?

Milo? Are you in here?

_

Oh, hello.

Welcome to Milo Town. Population one.

We have universal healthcare,
free speech, and no education.

Pork and beans, anyone?

Um... yeah, I'll do a cup.

Milo, what is all this?

Since everybody kept telling
me to get out of their rooms,

I decided to strike out on my own.

Well, this is wildly impressive.
And these beans are...

better than they should be.

Uh, but your mom and I were thinking

that the laundry room
holds a lot of potential

for a young developer like yourself.

Let me take that to the Mayor.

Do you wanna move on down...

He's on board!

Great.

Okay, let's go, Buttercup.

- Hey.
- Whoa!

They weren't kidding about
that knock-knock-enter thing.

You can't wait for a "come in"?

Sorry.

Come in.

Ha, ha.

Could've grown old and died out
there waiting for that "come in."

What's up?

I'm proud of us.

Yeah.

What we did tonight, that felt right.

Safety in numbers, I guess.

I think it's more than that.

We're a good team.

- We are.
- Yeah.

Can I ask you a question?

Do you think I'm afraid of intimacy?

Well, there's only one
way to know for sure...

- Stop it.
- To be clear,

I'm not suggesting we sleep together.

I'm suggesting we sleep together.

You're suggesting slumber.

Correct.

And I know how much you've been
nursing that heating pad, so come on.

- This is intimate.
- Mm-hm.

- 'Night.
- 'Night.

You know what?

I shouldn't have eaten those
bathroom beans. It's a big mistake.

Oh, god... the bed's all yours.
I'm gonna sleep in the garage.

Well, there's, uh, ginger
ale in the mini-fridge.

Take tiny sips!

Oh.

Feel better.

Well, old boy. Take it sleazy.

Quit being weird.

I think I got everything.

Although, I was unable
to locate my booger box.

Yeah, it is what it sounds like.

Basically just an old shoe
box full of my boogers.

Anyway, if you find it, it's yours.

Thanks.

Oh, speaking of boxes,

I figured out a joint-custody
arrangement for our Xbox.

So every other week, we switch off.

So the Xbox goes between
my room and your room.

And that way, even though
we don't live together,

we can still get quality
time with our console.

And on your off weeks,

you're still free to
play whatever you want.

Works for Mom and Dad.

Yeah, you're right. It's a stupid idea.

I have a girlfriend now.
You can just have it.

- Yes!
- Sync/Corrections PetaG - addic7ed.com