Original subtitles

Morning, Toby. I need the Petroff contracts right away.

Already on your desk.

In triplicate. Really?

Some mighty funny goings-on going on around here.

Anything for you.

And may I say you're looking particularly sharp today.

Yeah, well, I have my Aunt Minnie's wake tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Isn't it a glorious morning?

I hoped not to have to say this, but you've forced me to.

I'm afraid you're going out of your mind.

It's okay.

Have a nice hot cup of coffee.

I just made it.

Thank you, Toby.

Did you buzz me?

No.

I could have sworn I heard you buzz.

No, no, no.

My finger never left my hand.

Well, I'll be right out here

sitting in my office

in case you decide to buzz me.

Toby, are...

are you okay?

Fine, I'm just feeling happy.

It's just kind of a happy day

to me, dear Toby.

Oh!

I know it's your birthday.

You lie.

I just...

Think.

Thought you might be happy for some reason...

Concentrate.

Besides your birthday.

Uh-huh, well, in case you,

uh, left my present at home,

I took the liberty of narrowing down your shopping choices.

Not that I didn't appreciate that stapler you got me last year.

Well, it was electric.

It certainly was.

Now, the ones with the red stars

are your low-end gifts, low in price, low in thanks.

Green means mid-priced, something that'll get

your phone calls answered every now and then.

And these are your gold stars.

The kind of gifts that would cause your secretary

to overlook the fact that you forgot her birthday,

and prevent her

from taking the rest of the screws out of your chair.

Thank you, Toby, this is, uh...

This is very helpful.

Look, I need you to take notes on my 11:30 with Josephson.

Oh, I'm sorry. 11:30 is not good for me.

Oh, really?

And why is that?

Because at 11:30, I'll be leaving

for my twelve o'clock birthday lunch

with June and Marie.

And I should warn you,

the festivities may last till 5:00,

after which there's going to be

an impromptu office surprise party in my honor.

Anything else? Yes.

I've got to be out of here at 6:00 on the dot

to be uptown at my sister Gina's

for the best Swedish meatballs this side of Malmö.

So then basically you have no time for me all day.

No, no, no.

I still have my 10:30 coffee break open

in case you wanna spring for a bagel.

Toby, I can't find the Pivon contracts.

Did you look under the...

Good morning. Martin Tupper's office.

Sure, we sent those out yesterday.

They didn't?

Well, hold on.

Hello, Martin Tupper's office.

Yes, he is.

Just a second.

It's going crazy here.

Martin Tupp... Eleanor, stop screaming!

Hold on!

What time is it? 11:30.

I'm out of here. Toby!

Ta-da!

Happy birthday, Toby. Here. Uh, Martin Tupper's office.

It's from all of us.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

But it's good you did.

You ready to go? What's our fax number?

It's in the Rolodex. I'm at lunch.

Guess what! Guess what! You won't believe it.

Alan asked me to marry him.

Please!

And guess what? We're gonna do it today!

I'm meeting him in half an hour.

City Hall. I want you all to be my bridesmaids.

Hello!

Oh, Toby, I'm sorry.

But I have to do this before he changes his mind.

Hey, I have birthdays every year.

But you only get married, what, three, four times?

Here, it's from all of us.

Congratulations. Oh, you shouldn't have.

I'll say. Well, come on, everybody.

We'll pick up flowers on the way.

Aren't you coming? I have responsibilities here.

Okay, don't forget you owe $12 for Marie's present. Ciao.

Hold the elevator!

What happened to your lunch? It eloped.

You got a guy still holding on three.

Martin, help me, they're gonna be here any minute.

Give me something to do, so can act surprised.

Here, you can type the Feldman notes.

No, not real work. This is just pretend.

Surprise! Where's everybody else?

The secretaries went out for drinks after Marie's wedding.

Um, Eileen's husband's taking her to the opera,

and Zita went into labor.

She couldn't wait?

Well, hey, we're here.

Uh, actually, I'm not. I've got a date with Robin.

It's our six month anniversary.

Um, here's the cake.

Um, here's a card.

Happy birthday.

That's it? That's my party?

Well...

What a wretched experience for her.

Why don't you open the card?

"You're not getting older,

you're getting much older."

That's very funny. Don't you think that's funny, Martin?

You've gotta make her believe there's nothing to worry about. She's gotta stay calm.

But, hey, that... that cake sure looks great.

Yeah, what the hell. Let's have some cake.

"Happy Birthday, Tuby."

I don't believe this.

Ooh, murder!

No.

No. That's... that's an "O."

See? Look, forget the cake.

Why don't you knock off early, okay?

I mean, after all, it is your birthday.

Thank you, Mr. Generosity.

Why didn't you say that at 2:30 instead of ten after five?

But then, hey, I might have missed my party.

Come on, you... you still have that great dinner with your sister Gina.

But wait, it gets worse.

Come on, Toby. Kids get measles, you know.

I mean, it just... It happens.

She could have at least made the meatballs!

I really have to get going. You...

You gonna be okay?

I'll be fine, I'll be fine. I'll go home, I got my cats.

I got my cake that you touched. Don't worry about me.

What are you doing tonight?

Well, you know, I've... I've got that wake.

Right. Right. Right.

You think there'll be any drinks?

I don't know, I... I suppose so, I mean, it's a wake.

Well, you know there are wakes, and there are wakes.

Sometimes, you know, it's, uh, "Here's the body and goodbye."

And other times, there's a festive mood. You know,

you get a piece of pastry, put a candle in it...

Wait a minute, wait a minute. You... you wanna come to Aunt Minnie's wake?

Great! I'll get my purse. I...

God, I haven't been in here in years.

Neither has fresh air.

Toby, are you sure you wanna be here?

Sure, sure, sure.

Look, there's food, there's drinks, there's people.

And only one of them is dead.

Martin, Martin, Martin.

I think.

Hi, Uncle Pat.

God, can you believe about Aunt Minnie?

Martin, Martin.

You were always her favorite.

Yeah. Yeah, I... I remember.

I will fix you once and for all!

First Uncle Lou, now Minnie.

These things always happen in threes.

Makes you wonder who's gonna be next.

What about Aunt Sylvia last year?

No, she was the end of the previous three

with Jack and Louise.

Although there was Mickey.

But he wasn't really family.

But if he was, that would make Lou number three,

and Minnie the start of a whole new three.

Which means there are two more still to go.

Unless they happen in nines, then you're all doomed.

Toby, why don't we get something to eat? Excuse me.

Don't do this to me. What? What?

Hi, Martin. Hi, Frankie. How you doing?

Okay. I made the deviled eggs. Oh, really?

I think we found the cause of death.

Give me that.

Frankie. Frankie.

Whoa. Tough wake.

Martin. Oh, hey, Dewey.

Poor Aunt Minnie, huh? I know, it's sad.

You know, I hadn't seen her in 15 years.

Too late now.

Will you stop it? This is Toby Pedalbee. Toby, this is my cousin Dewey.

How do you do, Dewey? Nice to meet you.

Steer clear of the eggs.

So, Martin, are your folks here?

No, no, they're in Brussels visiting my sister. Yours?

No, they couldn't make it. They send their love.

Here we go.

I, uh... I'm not a member of the family.

Well, he's safe.

But, uh, Minnie was my secretary for over 36 years.

She was a secretary? Yeah.

She wasn't always pleasant.

In fact, she was never hardly pleasant.

She, uh, hated to give me coffee.

She rarely answered my phone calls.

Hmm, can you imagine that? Huh.

But she had a good heart. I mean, as far as I could tell.

Anyway, to Minnie.

To Minnie.

Go easy there, will you? Hey, it's respect for the dead.

Minnie was really something, all right.

It always amazed me that they could put a mouth that big

on a woman that only came up to here on me.

I wonder if she has any clothes I could borrow.

Toby, Minnie was nothing like you.

But I think the person who probably knew her best was her sister.

Tina?

I can't believe she's gone.

It was only last Thursday

she was at the house for dinner.

I made her her favorite.

Meatballs?

Chicken Parmesan.

She was such a kidder.

But we always felt bad for her,

because we knew that there was

just her and those cats.

Oh, God!

I knew she'd die alone!

Maybe we should go.

I think Minnie would have wanted me to stay.

No more drinks for table 26.

To Minnie.

To Minnie.

To Minnie.

Toby.

Toby, look, I know how it sounds,

but... but Minnie had a rich, full life.

Right up until she died alone.

Okay, okay, maybe she did die alone.

But... but look at all these people.

She had an impact on each and every one of their lives.

I remember she always had gum.

Or if not gum, at least some kind of mint.

Shut up, you. Gum and mints.

There's a legacy.

I wanna look at the body.

Oh, no, Toby. Wait. Wait. Wait.

I'd like to propose a toast to Aunt Minnie.

To Aunt Minnie.

Uh...

Okay, maybe she was a...

Miserable witch.

A loner, and maybe she was a little...

Insane! Hard to get close to,

but she was just Aunt Minnie.

And she was one of a kind, you know?

She's the one who taught me how to drive.

I was eight years old, and she had this big old Ford.

And I couldn't reach the pedals, so she tied these coffee cans to my feet.

And it went okay until one of the cans fell off

and I was going 40 miles an hour down the West Side highway.

Minnie just kept laughing.

All us kids knew she hated children.

And I suppose it's possible she was trying to kill me.

But I had the time of my life.

I remember when she tried to kill me.

Oh, God, Minnie. Oh, God.

She decked him.

I swear to you, she decked him right there in the office.

Broke the man's nose.

Everything's under control.

I don't believe I've ever loved a woman

as much as I did at that moment.

Remember, at weddings and christenings,

how she used to get behind the piano,

and sing all those old songs

like, "Roll out the Barrel" and, uh, "Camptown Races"?

Are you nuts or something?

Toby, this is not the time...

It's the grief.

Are there any more words to this?

What a hell of a time I'm having.

We're going to eat and sing and celebrate and eat until we all burst and die.

Everybody sing!

This is great. I'm really glad you came.

Yeah, I wish more of your relatives would die.

I gotta tell you,

this is one of the best birthdays I've ever had.

To Minnie!

A woman after my own heart!

To Minnie! To Minnie!

And wherever she is,

at least we know she won't be alone.

You hear that, Toby?

She won't be alone.

Why? Why?

Why won't she be alone?

'Cause she'll be with Herman.

Oh, Herman.

She'll be with Herman.

Good old Herman.

Who the hell is Herman?

He's over there.

He was a very little guy.

Herman was her cat.

Herman was her cat? It's a sad story, really.

The day after Minnie died, he was very despondent.

The next morning, we found him hanging

on the pull cord on the Venetian blinds.

You could call it an accident, but...

She's being buried with her cat?

Uh...

This was such a happy house.

Now it's as if the spirit of doom has entered it.

The woman is being buried with her cat!

Shh!

Nice place.

I'll give you my decorator's number.

You want a drink?

I think we've both had enough.

Speak for yourself.

You didn't lead a conga line on your own grave tonight.

I saw the next 50 years of my life go "Pfft"!

I type some letters. I take some dictation.

I end up buried in a pet cemetery.

She's not gonna be buried in a pet cemetery.

I asked.

Nadine, listen to me.

If anything ever happens to me, please do me a favor,

don't do anything stupid.

Well, I guess I'll go now.

Oh, wait. Don't go yet. Have another drink.

No, no, really, it's late. We...

We have to go to work tomorrow.

Oh, come on. It's my birthday.

Stay a little. We'll play some Scrabble.

No, no, no, thanks, but I can't...

Hey, look, don't do this to me. It's been a rough day.

Don't leave me alone with the frigging cat.

Look, Toby, I'm... I'm sorry, but I can't...

If you're trying to get me to play Scrabble...

it's not gonna work.

I'm going to go now.

And we can just pretend that this never happened.

Seems to me if we're gonna pretend nothing ever happened,

maybe we should do something that's worth pretending about.

Do you mean that... that I... that... that... that...

Oh, you wouldn't do that!

Martin, I don't wanna be alone tonight.

No, no, no, no, no.

It'll be our little secret.

No, no, no.

Come on. Come on.

You go out with all those gorgeous women

with legs up to here.

Don't you ever get tired of that?

Toby, you're drunk.

So are you.

I don't think we can be held responsible for our actions.

Now, listen...

No, don't... don't do that.

Martin, I've got to start living for today.

Well, can't you start living for today tomorrow?

Don't... don't... don't do that either.

Toby, I'm sorry. It's not a good idea, you know?

We... we have a professional relationship.

Okay, I quit. There.

Take off your pants. Toby, this... this is wrong.

You're right. It's wrong. It's terribly wrong.

Almost forbidden.

I'm going.

Toby, put it down.

Just put it down. Don't rub it, don't play with it, don't roll it around.

Just... just let it go.

Thank you.

I mean it.

Thank you. I'm going now.

Good night.

So, it's all over.

Wait! Wait.

I can't get out.

If we're not gonna do it...

And we're not gonna do it.

There's something I want you to know.

What?

Something I have never said

to anyone in my entire life.

I'm a leprechaun.

I want you to know...

What is it?

Toby?

Happy birthday, Toby.

Martin...

Martin Tupper's office.

El... Eleanor! Eleanor, don't... don't yell.

I... I don't know. I don't know, I don't know.

Toby handles that.

You'll have to ask her when she gets in.

If she gets in.

Okay, I'll... I'll tell her.

Thank you for not yelling.

Let's not talk about it. We've got to talk about it.

It's your life, my life.

Eleanor called. She wants a purchase order number.

It's in the file.

I didn't know.

Oh, please, don't make me talk about it. We've got to talk about it.

Anyway...

I'll make some coffee.

Yeah, coffee... coffee would be good.

We've got to talk about it.

I'm gonna go into my office now.

That would be good. Yeah.

Listen, about last night...

Toby, please. No. I want you to know.

You don't have to say it. I'm not attracted to you.

You didn't have to say it.

And if I ever feel like having

meaningless, casual sex again,

I don't wanna have it with you.

I understand.

And it's not because you're my boss.

Okay.

It's because you're my...

You're my...

Friend?

Hey, I wouldn't go that far.

Surprise!

Happy Day-After-Your-Birthday!

I don't wanna have to hurt you.

You shouldn't have.

No, it's... it's too much.