Original subtitles

Oh, my God. This is such great news, Eddie.

Thank you so much.

Well, it's nothing, really. I just like helping people.

Here, let me help you. Oh, wait, wait!

You're caught on my comb.

Knock, knock.

Oops.

What a pair of beauties.

Sorry. Oh, God. Wait, Eddie.

This is a new sweater.

Martin, could you step out?

Oh, is that Martin?

I am so embarrassed.

This is not how I wanted to meet you.

Hi. I'm Marsha. I just wanted to thank you.

Thank me? Mm-hmm.

Uh, you know Marsha, my production assistant.

Marsha? Oh! Oh, sure! Marsha.

The one with the sister I told you about.

The sister with the book you said you would read?

Right, right! Marsha with the sister with the book, yes, yes.

Well, she's stopping by your office tomorrow.

Of course. The sister with the book.

Eddie, could I... Strangle you. see you a moment?

Chloe went wild when I told her you'd see her.

Well, as wild as she ever gets. You know, she's sort of a book nerd.

Great. My kind of people. I was hoping I could get my nails clipped

and out of the way before you got here.

It's funny, we all thought she'd become a librarian.

That is funny. Eddie, just a moment of your time, please. I can't thank you enough.

This is really gonna mean a lot to her.

And I can't thank you enough, Eddie.

Well, that won't stop you from trying now, will it?

No, I don't think it will.

Eddie! Uh.

Uh, yeah. Sorry to spring this on you.

You were great. I owe you one.

You're disgusting. Dinner's on you.

I owe you two. I have to cancel.

Something's come up.

No kidding.

You're a pal. And you're a dead man.

Okay, when she gets here, just give us a couple of minutes,

like 90 seconds, tops, then interrupt us,

say it's an emergency, and you need me right away.

What kind of emergency? I don't care. Just make something up.

Okay. Uh...

Jeremy's dead. He was thrown from a train.

No, that's horrible. No, it's...

You know, something a little less severe.

Okay. He was thrown from a chair.

Make it an office thing, will you? I don't care what.

Just do what you have to do to get me out of there. Thank you.

Marty, Marty, Marty.

You're bringing me literature again.

This is a very powerful biography.

Gibby, the woman's a modern-day saint.

Yeah, right, and she's done some wonderful things with the poor in Calcutta.

But the book's only going to appeal to other nuns.

Now we need to get some spice, some sizzle.

Sizzle? Yeah.

Maybe if we knew what drove her to the convent to begin with.

Uh, something lurid in her past.

A demon lover perhaps.

Perhaps an unexpected bun in the oven.

Make another crack like that, I just might get sick.

I'll see what I can dig up.

That's my boy.

Yes?

A Chloe Kimball to see you.

Send her in.

Hi. Mr. Tupper?

I'm Chloe.

You're Chloe?

Look at that.

Hi. Hi. Oops.

Thanks for seeing me.

Wow. What a mess.

Well, it's just when things get busy, I get a little...

Oh, no, no, no. Don't apologize. I love clutter.

I live for clutter.

Clutter's great.

Can I say "clutter" again?

If you need to.

I'm sorry. I'm just a little nervous.

No one's read my book except my thesis advisor.

I got an "A," but I think that's just 'cause he wanted to sleep with me.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Oh, God.

That's awful. Yeah.

So that doesn't really count.

But this counts.

New York, Whitestone Publishing,

clutter, you.

You're my first real book editor person.

I'm your first?

'Fraid so.

I'll be gentle.

God, where were you in 11th grade?

Martin, come quickly.

It's an emergency. You will bungle everything!

What is it? What is it?

It's a thing. It's an office thing.

Uh, Toby, I know the problem you're talking about, and it's okay.

I'll deal with it later.

No, no. It's not that thing. It's a new thing.

A terrible, terrible thing.

Jeremy's fine, but you need to go now!

Why don't I go? No, no, no, no. You don't have to go.

You do have to go. Don't listen to this woman!

You don't have to go. You do!

They're evacuating the building.

Women under 27 are particularly at risk.

Oh, my God!

I... Wait!

You can't leave me now. I must. Good night.

Wait, wait, wait, wait! Your book! Your book!

Oh, here. We'll have dinner.

Really? Go! Go!

How'd I do?

What? What?

"My eyes, my lips, your sex between my legs."

You plow me under, reaching, reaching

into your pubic jungles of delight.

And, oh, my smell of sea

as I stand beside myself dripping.

It is new, it is new,

it is only new.

"The end."

The end?

Junk. Garbage. Rotten.

Hey, buddy. How's it going?

Great. Just great.

Yeah, uh, listen, uh,

I'm sorry about standing you up the other night.

I know it was lousy.

Of course, Marsha did turn out to be pretty, um,

imaginative, so I don't really regret that,

but, uh, I feel bad.

Eddie... No, I do. And I'm sorry about dumping the ugly sister on you.

I just did it because I thought it might score points with Marsha,

and it did.

So I don't really regret that. But, you know, it wasn't very nice of me, and, uh...

I apologize.

Eddie, Marsha doesn't have an ugly sister.

Marsha has a great-looking, sexy, funny sister.

Really? Yeah.

Well, great! So fuck the apology.

Unfortunately, she also has a sister

who can't write to save her life.

Oh, the book. It's no good, huh?

Who knows?

Who can tell? Is it fiction or nonfiction?

I don't know. There's no plot, no paragraphs.

There aren't even...

There are no sentences.

No punctuation.

Italics everywhere. Why?

I don't know. They're just there.

And flowers, trees, the universe.

Explicit descriptions of every imaginable part of the female body,

and, look, some that are not that imaginable. Really?

Eddie. I'm meeting Chloe for dinner in 45 minutes.

So?

I... I hate her book.

I like her, but I just... I hate her book.

Oh!

Martin, do you wanna sleep with this woman?

Why, of course.

Well, it's crossed my mind.

It's an option I don't exactly wanna eliminate.

But I do think there might be other options,

some of which might include sleeping with her.

Lie to her about her book.

Thank you, Eddie.

I can always count on you to take the moral high ground.

So don't sleep with her. That's not the point.

Chloe considers herself a writer, and if she's gonna be a writer,

she's gonna have to learn to face rejection.

So... so I'm gonna tell her the truth because...

because that's what she deserves.

Okay, tell me what you think, 'cause if you hate it,

I'm going straight for the chocolate cake.

Chloe.

There's no point in my lying to you.

The plot is artificial.

Completely impossible.

The characterizations are phony.

I love this book. How could you do a thing like that?

How could you stoop to it?

You do?

It's the most extraordinary...

thing I've read in years.

Really? Oh.

There are no words.

This is-I... I can't believe it.

Thank you. Thank you.

Can you tell me what parts you found

particularly effective?

Oh. Oh, it was all so...

effective.

Well, I mean, because if there were sections

that didn't work for you, I'm not afraid of revisions. Gee.

You know...

I don't really wanna get into any specifics right now...

after just one read.

And besides, I... I want to, uh...

pass it on to my publisher.

Really?

Well, do you think he'll like it?

He wouldn't even consider it.

We'll, hope for the best. Oh, yeah.

But you should know,

Gibby's tastes aren't as sophisticated as ours.

And, I mean...

He might not even understand the book.

I know, I know. But he might.

Oh, Martin, this...

Oh.

This just means so much to me.

You are so wonderful. No, no.

I don't know how to thank you.

Oh! Oh, God.

What did you just do?

What? You mean this?

Oh, yes! Yes!

What the hell is that?

Come on, you know.

I describe the whole thing in chapter 23.

Chapter 23?

Oh. Oh, right, right. Chapter 23.

Yeah.

That's one of my... Oh!

Oh!

Favorites. Read away.

Wow.

This is gonna change my life.

It was really great for me too.

No. The sex was terrific, but I meant my book.

Oh, sure, sure.

So did I.

So what...

But whatever happens with the book, I'm just...

I'm just glad it brought us together.

Me too.

Although I've got to tell you,

I'm kind of scared.

Aw, don't worry, we'll...

we'll take it slow.

I meant the book.

Right, right. The book.

I mean, what if this Gibby guy doesn't like it?

Well...

I'll never have to worry again.

That's always a possibility.

I love...

this book.

What? You do?

The Feminine Manifesto?

You... you love The Feminine Manifesto?

Gotta tell you, when Marty brought me the book, he said, "Gibby, you're gonna hate it."

You've always got to lower his expectations.

"You're gonna think this is nothing but a formless mess

of pretentious postmodern feminist claptrap."

I don't know that those were my exact words.

And then I started to read.

And what a read it was.

Feel this. The pages are still moist. No, thanks.

Maybe some other time. All right.

I'll show you my favorite bit.

"I wade within your pearly bulbous masses,

in the jungles of the misty earth

we dip and slide in the jungles of the,

oh, my heart's desire and my vulva's delight."

How can you not love that?

You can...

not.

Oh, this book is going to be big.

Well, it's already big. It's gonna sell a lot of copies too though.

And I wanna publish this book.

Oh, my God. I wanna publish this book now.

Oh, my God. It doesn't need a lot.

You know, just a nudge here and a poke there.

I'm sure Marty will know what to do. I have some ideas.

Great. Well, let's get on it then.

Do it.

Wow!

You're gonna get your book published!

And you're going to edit it.

There are times when we all need an opportunity to talk to somebody else

about problems that have been bothering us. Thanks for taking a look at it.

Did you manage to get all the way through it?

I just can't believe that you guys are really gonna publish this.

I can't believe it myself.

I mean, you usually publish such trash.

No offense. None taken.

But this... this is so...

powerful, so profound.

I...

You liked it.

Richard and I were up all night talking about it.

Richard liked it? Yeah.

He read sections of it to me aloud.

Oh, God, Martin, it's just filled with so many wonderful truths.

I wish I knew what they were talking about.

Okay.

All right.

Could you tell me which was your favorite truth?

Martin, thank you.

Thank you for bringing this book into our lives.

Don't mention it.

It's a good idea to get someone else's opinion.

You like the book.

It's just so beautiful.

Tell me. What? What did you like about it?

She writes about these things that I've always felt,

but I didn't know I was feeling them.

What? What things?

Things about being a woman.

My sexuality.

How I'm like a tree and earth

and sap.

Oh You liked the sap.

Martin, there are no words to describe this book.

May I?

What the hell is this? Finally!

I mean, are there pages missing or something?

I don't know. Who knows? I mean, who can tell?

What is this bullshit about the moon?

The moon is talking. The moon is walking around the garden.

The moon has a penis?

Hey, don't look at me. I didn't write it.

I just have to edit it.

Edit number one, lose the goddamn moon.

Thanks. Eddie, what the fuck am I gonna tell her?

I have to meet her for our first session in an hour.

I don't know where to begin. I don't know where the beginning is.

Eddie, Larry needs to go over this production booking schedule.

Hi, Martin. How are you? Hi, Marsha.

You're gonna publish Chloe's book, huh? Wow! Yeah, wow.

Who would've thought, huh? Life is strange.

Yeah, but still, I mean, I've been in New York for three years,

and I'm still a production assistant.

I mean, I'm happy for her. I'm just saying it's weird, huh?

Yeah. Weird, weird, weird.

Yeah, tell Larry these are fine. Except forget the girl who gave birth to the 100-year-old man.

I saw her on Oprah.

Okay, you got it.

See you guys later. Yeah.

I gotta get back to the office. She's gonna be waiting for me.

So we all on for dinner tonight?

Uh, yeah. I'll see you then.

What are you gonna do about it?

What the fuck am I gonna do?

I can't spend three hours telling her to lose the moon.

Why not? What do you mean, why not?

Well, think about it. This is Chloe's first book, right?

Yeah. So what does she know?

Anything you say is gonna seem brilliant.

Uh...

Ah! Yeah. I see what you got in mind.

How can you lose it? The moon's the heart of the novel.

Uh... well, I don't mean lose everything about the moon.

Just... sections.

Well...

maybe if you could just point out

what sections you were thinking about.

Uh, sure.

This section, for instance.

Martin, that's chapter 23.

As I recall, last week you were rather fond of chapter 23.

Oh.

Right.

This isn't the section I was thinking of.

It was, um...

Ah. It was this section. What about it?

Well, I think we should tighten it by cutting the character of the little girl.

You wanna cut the character of the little girl? Mm-hmm.

But the little girl is me.

Here's to love, friendship and to Chloe's book.

I'll drink to that.

I'm gonna shred some lettuce.

So, how's the editing coming? Shut up!

Great. Great.

We're just working through some of the rough spots.

Nothing serious, of course.

Just coming to an agreement about what works.

Okay, Martin. Okay. I'm waiting.

Tell me. What works?

Well...

Well, it's all so interesting and unusual that... Interesting? Unusual?

What are you trying to say, Martin?

Excuse me, I think you dropped a chickpea. I'm trying to say

I think your book is interesting and unusual.

I'm a writer, Martin. I know what "interesting" means.

"Interesting" means you hate it.

I'm going to tell her.

I don't hate it. Oops. Piece of broccoli.

Chloe, this is your first experience with an editor.

Oh! Oh, and what an interesting

and unusual experience it's been.

Why don't you just admit it, Martin?

You hate my book.

All right.

All right. I hate your book!

I loathe it! I detest it. The parts I understand, at least.

Most of it makes so little sense, I don't even know if I hate it or not.

How about some more champagne? And why don't I finish the salad?

Well.

Why didn't you tell me this right from the start?

Because I like you. Oh. Oh, I see.

So what you're saying is you lied to me about the book so you could sleep with me.

No, no, that's not what I'm saying at all.

That's what it sounds like. That's not how it happened.

Eddie, just explain it to her. Uh, Martin...

uh, that is how it happened.

Shut up! Yeah?

The only reason I agreed to meet with Chloe in the first place is

so you could sleep with Marsha!

What? Wait a minute!

Marsha! You went to bed with Eddie just to get me an interview with this asshole?

Chloe, that is not how it happened. Eddie, tell her.

Uh, Marsha...

that is how it happened.

It is not! I can't believe you.

Oh, please, Chloe. Get off your high horse.

You slept with this jerk just to get your stupid book published.

I did not! Wait a minute. Would you have slept with me if I told you

I hated your book? That's different. That was after the fact,

so that doesn't count. Oh, I'm sorry. I never got the rule book.

Al right, fine. So I wanted to get my book published.

At least I never lied.

Yeah, and I never slept with Eddie to get you an interview.

I slept with Eddie because he promised to make me a producer. Right?

I might have mentioned it...

in passing.

Well,

I hope we're all hungry.

Forgot your umbrella.

Thank you.

Any messages?

Do you mean are there any messages,

or do you mean did she call?

I...

Did she call? No.

Martin Tupper's office.

One moment, please.

It's Sherman Singer's agent.

I can't deal with her today. Could you just get rid of her?

No problem.

He can't come to the phone right now.

Uh, there's been a thing.

A terrible, terrible thing.

I'll have him call you when he gets out of the coma.

Hey, I'm getting pretty good at this.

Hi.

No, no, no, no. Come on in. Would you like me to take care of those?

Would you? In another life!

I just, uh...

Look, Martin, I just came by to pick up my manuscript.

I need to start looking for another publisher.

Can we talk about this?

I don't think so, Martin.

I've done things I'm ashamed of,

but I'm not as bad as they say. You believe that, don't you?

All right.

Hello, hello. Aha!

There she is, the incomparable Chloe Kimball.

Lovely to see you again. Sorry for the interrupt.

Do you often work in your bare feet, Martin?

Intriguing. How's our book coming along?

Actually, Gibby, Chloe's decided to... to pull the book.

What? Won't hear of it.

Martin thinks my book is bullshit.

I don't know that I used the exact word.

Well, darling, it is bullshit.

I thought you understood it.

Didn't comprehend a bloody word.

But it's got sex on every page. It'll sell millions.

Your book will be in every bathroom in America.

Oh, my God. This is appalling.

Yeah, I suppose so, but let's be realistic, my dear.

Your first book is being published.

Who cares if we understand it or not?

Aren't you getting what you wanted?

Are we still gonna have to lose the moon?

How could you lose the moon?

That's... that's the heart of the book.

Well, now that that's settled,

Chloe, get your shoes and socks off.

Let's get back to work.

So... I mean, what...

Where do we go from here?

I guess we get to work.

No, I mean where do we go from here?

Well, our whole relationship was based on lies and deceit.

That's true.

But that's all over now.

I don't see why we can't just, you know...

have a nice time.

That's true.

Now everybody's happy.

So, I guess, uh... I guess we should get to work.

Right.

So...

why don't we start with chapter 23?

Ah! Yes.

Chapter 23.

You know, I'd...

I'd like to go through that one just...

word for word.

Read away.