Original subtitles

"To Olivia.

Keep watching, love you,

Eddie Charles."

There you go, honey.

And make sure you catch tomorrow's show,

People Who Think They're Jesus Christ.

Any guests or just you? Oh, give me a break.

No, it's gonna be a great show, we found this guy in Cleveland,

does this thing with loaves and fishes.

How do you get away with this stuff?

What can I say? The people love me.

Hey, mister, you have the time?

He seems like a nice young man.

11:30.

Nice watch. Can I have it?

We don't want any trouble.

Hey. It's Eddie Charles.

Yeah.

Well, now that that's settled...

Give us your fuckin' money.

Okay, okay.

What's your problem, man?

Maybe we don't like his fuckin' show.

So much for the people. Shh. Under control.

Yo, bro, how about coppin' a chill pill,

and lettin' me and homeboy slide?

William, did you notice that Eddie Charles is a Black man?

My goodness, Porter, you're right.

Get his fuckin' ring! Well, that worked well.

Run!

Go, go, go.

Down here! Down here!

Down here! Down here! Down here!

Oh, this is much better.

Now, listen, stranger. This is a peaceful town.

All right, now you're really in trouble.

Yeah, we know.

Look, man, I... I did a show on street crime.

I understand how you feel.

This is just a desperate cry for...

help!

I can't believe this.

Eighteen years in New York,

and I've never been mugged.

Oh. I'm sorry.

But you are too kind.

I just...

Maybe you should get the whole experience.

Come on, man. Let's go!

You make me so mad, I...

I could just sit right down here and cry my fool head off.

Fuck!

Okay, you got your screamers over here,

and you got your mace over here.

Anything else?

Uh, you got any of those stick-jobbies

with the chain and the balls?

Yeah, or maybe one of those brass-knuckle things.

Yeah, with really big spikes. Yeah.

Listen, gentlemen, you wanna keep the creeps out of your face?

Let me show you something in a nice. 45 automatic.

No, forget it. No guns.

Except for maybe those, uh, electrical zapper-things.

Do you carry any of those?

Yeah, or something that maybe makes a big flash,

you know, like, to... to create a diversion, how about that?

Snub-nosed. 38 makes a good flash.

Also leaves a hole about yea big.

No. No guns. I don't want a gun.

I don't like guns. People get hurt.

Maybe a really big stick, you know?

You just mash!

All right, class, mugging situation.

What should Mr. Tepler have done?

Tupper. Waste the scumbag.

Good. Now, Mr. Tuber. Tupper.

Please explain just how you were attacked.

About 500 yards further on toward the knob,

we started getting mortar and plenty of it.

We turned around to head back,

we ran smack into a Gooney combat unit.

He sort of came at me... Wait.

Class? What should I do?

Rip his balls off!

Possibly, or I can reach over, grab the pinkie,

and twist with a swift outward motion.

This is your first lesson, class.

"P" is for "pinkie." "P" for "pain."

Get to the pinkie, cause pain.

Thank you, Mr. Tobler. No problem.

Now, Mr. Charles, let's review your situation.

Uh... Um, you know, I think you pretty much

covered it with Mr. Tingler.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Ah, okay, then hand-to-hand drills, class.

Everybody find a partner.

Geez, you're still limping?

You ever been kicked with orthopedic shoes?

Excuse me, do you have the time?

No!

See? Just don't talk to anybody.

Absolutely. Yeah.

Excuse me. Aren't you Eddie Charles?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.

God, that's so cool. Hey.

It can't be starting again.

Okay, assholes. Money!

Oh, money? Sure. No problem.

What the fuck are you doing? Nothing. Nothing.

You, uh... You guys like music?

Hey! What the fuck are you doing?

Going for the pinkie!

Giving him my wallet.

Thank you.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry about the pinkie thing.

Now, don't worry.

The chances of being hit on the head

by one of them are pretty remote.

It's okay.

Whoa! Whoa! Not the nose.

Thank you.

Goddamn it!

I want the biggest fucking gun you've got.

Let me see the second biggest.

If I were in your place, I'd be scared to death too.

Oh, put that thing away.

You... you can't go around shooting people.

It isn't civilized.

A man's gotta know how to protect himself.

I think they're real works of art,

full of ingenious little devices.

You got a gun.

Use it.

Oh, the time?

Yeah. It's about, um, 11:30.

I might have to deputize him to help out.

He's so handy with a gun.

He sure is.

Hey, Dad.

Ah, Jeremy.

Hey, where'd you get the gun?

Uh... Gun store.

Is it for you? No. No, not really.

Well, yeah, uh... It...

Jeremy, we have to talk.

Sit down.

Jeremy, I want you to listen to me

very carefully.

This gun is not a toy.

You never let me play with toy guns anyway.

Right. You hate guns.

Right, so... so you are never, ever, ever to touch this gun.

Okay. Ever.

Because this is a very dangerous weapon.

Dad, I know.

Scotty Fenniman's dad had a gun,

and Scotty and his little sister were playing with it one day,

and they had an accident, they shot their dog.

I'm really glad we don't have a dog, Dad.

Well, okay, just... just so you understand.

So, are you gonna shoot it?

No. No. This is not for shooting.

It's for protection. Oh.

You know, Richard says that guns cut off any possibility for a meaningful dialogue.

Well, you know, Richard's

a very bright guy, let's see what he has to say

after he's been mugged a couple of times, okay?

Dad, he was mugged.

Oh.

Well, actually, it was more of a hostage crisis.

But Richard was able to convince the gunmen

to let go of the tour group

and not to blow up the Parthenon.

When did this happen?

When Mom and Richard were in Greece.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. He did this in Greek?

Well, he had to, after they killed the translator.

But Jeremy, not every situation is solved that easily, okay?

This is an extremely dangerous city,

and I've decided that having a gun is...

is the right thing for me to do.

I feel better knowing I have it,

and I'm comfortable with my decision.

Okay. So just do me one favor.

Sure.

Don't tell your mother.

If that's the way you want it, Mr. Collins.

Don't go out there.

Danger waits outside.

Sit down, young man.

You're face-to-face with an enemy now.

It's no longer a question of who's right or wrong,

but who'll survive.

TV repair?

Okay, freeze!

I'm holding a 65-pound TV.

What do you think I'm gonna do? Mambo?

Okay, put up your hands, and... and, uh, put down the TV.

Can I do it in the other order, man?

'Cause if I do it in the way you say,

you're not gonna like what happen to your set.

You know what I mean.

Okay to unfreeze?

Ah, ah, back on the stand, back on the stand.

I am not your maid.

I put the TV back on the stand, the next thing,

you're gonna have me rearranging chairs.

If I feel like it, yeah.

I hate home owners with guns.

It really takes the fun out of my work, you know?

I think I better go.

No, no, no. Put your hands on your head.

Put your hands on your head!

Wow.

This is like a really bad game of Simon Says.

You know, Miranda told me not to go out tonight.

Ramon, she said...

All right, All right!

What the fuck are you doing in my apartment?

I'm the spot inspector for the electric company.

You know, you got far too many appliances around here.

Don't give me that shit. You're a burglar.

So it was a trick question?

You know, I had teachers like you, man.

It's not a good idea to pull a gun on a burglar, mm-mm.

Don't you watch TV? What if I have a bigger gun?

Do you?

Do you think I'm gonna tell you?

I mean, you shouldn't even have one of those in your house.

Oh, spare me, will ya?

Put them up! Put them up!

I'm not kidding, man.

Shit happens.

Like, uh...

Like you get in a little fight with your woman.

You know how it is.

She's really getting under your skin.

So you pull out a gun, and blammo! Ha!

You got a wife?

Used to.

Ah, so you know what I'm talking about.

Do you, uh...

Do you mind if I, uh, sit down?

Sit down!

Thank you.

Or what if your kid picks it up, eh?

He's playing with his friends, a little RoboCop.

"Surrender your weapon," and blammo!

You know, good-looking kid.

Stay away from my kid!

You want my advice? No.

In situations like these, you lie down on the floor,

and you let me take what I want.

The TV, a little silverware.

You got homeowners?

Yeah, I got homeowners.

You see? No problem.

Look, I'll tell you what.

I'm just gonna go.

It was really nice talking to you, man.

Oh, no, no, no. No, you're not going anywhere.

I'm calling the cops. I've been mugged twice.

Ah, no wonder you're so moody. Sheesh.

Hello. There's a murderer here.

Oh, please, hurry.

What?

Oh, okay, well, never mind.

I dialed information.

You were tense, you know, it's a stressful situation.

Yeah.

Hello, police?

Hey, Marty, how about something to eat, eh?

I'm not gonna feed you.

Okay. Up to you.

I could get a little faint, pass out, maybe hit my head on the table.

You could have a nasty lawsuit.

I got a pretty slick uptown lawyer.

I'll bet.

Maybe just a saltine?

No.

And what a silly thing to ask.

You like peanut butter? I'm afraid all I got is smooth.

What am I gonna do, hold out for chunky?

Hey, hey, hey! Watch it, man.

That's dangerous, you know?

You make the sandwiches.

What a night, eh?

You got a knife?

Whoa, whoa. No. No knives. No knives.

What do you want me to use, my fingers?

Use the spoon.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey!

Not too much jelly on mine.

Anyway, that... that was about a year ago.

And she married Richard Stone? Hmm.

You know him?

Runs a clinic uptown. Saved my baby brother's life.

He ate a bunch of those, uh... those kitchen magnets,

you know, the ones that look like little fruits?

Mm-hmm.

Well, later, man. Thanks for the snack, eh?

W... wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Where are you going?

Home. Miranda will be worried.

No, you're not. Sit down.

Look,

I... I thought we shared something.

We made sandwiches.

A... and now you're gonna send your friend Ramon to jail.

I'm getting a guilt trip from a burglar.

I don't believe this shit. Now just sit down.

Marty.

You're really starting to bum me out here.

Now, I'm just gonna go...

before I get really depressed, okay?

Hey. Hey! Get away from that door!

Marty, please.

Get over here...

Shit!

Ah, you shot me!

Oh, Jesus.

I didn't know what I was doing.

Help me, I can't believe you shot me, man.

I didn't even pull the trigger. It just went off!

Bullshit, it just went off, you shot me.

Well, you were moving around and everything.

Oh, yeah, like I'm some dangerous guy?

Ow! Fuck! Ow! Is it bad?

Oh, God, man!

Ow! Oh, man!

Oh, let me... Let me get you a towel or something.

Just don't go anywhere.

You wanna shoot me in the leg just to be sure?

Oh, G... Oh, God.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It... it was an accident.

It's not a fucking accident, I told you something like this was gonna happen.

Tupper, NYPD.

Uh, well...

Mr. Tupper, I'm Sergeant Vanzetti, this is...

Gun! Freeze! Get your hands up!

Don't shoot!

Don't!

Thank God you're here,

this... this man is a menace to society.

No, no, no!

This... this guy broke into my apartment,

and we had sandwiches, and the gun just went off.

It was an accident, I never meant to shoot him.

See, he... he wouldn't stand still.

Now, just calm down, calm down, let me have this.

Thank you.

Nice gun. New?

Ouch! Could you help him?

I mean, look at... He's in bad shape.

Oh, no. That's not bad shape.

The other day, there was a guy, took a slug from a. 45,

hole in his chest this big around.

That's bad shape.

Guys, could you do something for him?

Look at him, he's bleeding all over the place.

Oh, no, I'll give you "all over the place."

Remember the Korean deli on Third?

Two guys with shotguns, the owner's got an Uzi.

We were there six, seven hours with the forensic boys,

pulling little chunks of guys out from the canned goods.

Ooh, now, that is "all over the place."

It's gonna be okay.

Ow! Ow! You know what was really gross?

Port Authority, New Year's Eve. Ooh.

Fingers hanging all over the place, body parts, the stench?

Ah, I wanted to get home.

Okay, guys, move him out.

You're gonna be okay?

Maybe next time you come to my house.

Bring the TV, eh?

Don't do this anymore. You too.

Come on, let's go.

Well, Mr. Tupper, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to confiscate your weapon.

Oh, just take it, really, it's okay.

You know, you might wanna pick up a new one.

No, no, one was enough.

You sure? See, the other night on the "D" train, this guy...

Good night.

Hey, it's a tough world out there.

Yeah. Yeah, I... I know.

All right, sleep well.

Think about that gun.

Now, look, you hammerhead, it ain't the gun that matters.

It's the man that counts.