Original subtitles

A child's world is his own sacred domain,

and his privacy must at all times be respected.

You snooper!

Youth.

I think we have a small problem on our hands.

Or we'll send him to boarding school.

One of those ones with nuns or armed guards or both.

Martin, I am sure there's a better way to handle this.

Let me go! Quit it! Let me go!

Well, yeah, maybe.

All we have to do is talk to him.

You're right. You're right.

So when he gets home from school, you and I can go in there...

You can do it. I can?

Well, we don't want to look like we're ganging up on him.

But why me? Well, you found it.

That... that's a great reason.

Look...

What if you talk to him and I just nod?

You know, firmly.

With... with my arms crossed.

Judith, come on. What am I supposed to say? What am I gonna tell him?

I don't know how to do this, Judith.

Please.

Well, we could ask Richard about it.

I mean, he does have the drug clinic,

and he did write that best-selling book.

I'd rather die.

Never mind. I'll think of something.

Excuse me. I couldn't help but overhear.

Maybe that's because you were listening on the intercom.

Right, so I couldn't help but overhear.

You want my advice?

Buy the kid a pony.

A pony? No, no. Don't. Don't. Don't.

My friend Mary Elizabeth always wanted a pony,

but her parents wouldn't spring for one.

By the time she was 16, she was smoking so much dope,

Panama named a highway after her.

They caught her in a hot Maserati,

sent her up for a couple of years.

Now she's got a file with the FBI

and a tattoo on her butt that says "Marge."

Toby, why are you telling us this?

Because I think you still have time!

Consider the pony.

Thank you, Toby.

I don't know why we don't come to her first.

Now, Jeremy...

I know we've always said that your room is your private place.

And believe me, I would never intentionally go looking through your stuff.

Oh, God. You found it. Yes.

Yes, I did.

Now, what have you got to say for yourself? Hmm?

Um...

I only read it for the articles?

What?

No, Jeremy! I'm talking about this.

Now, what...

What are you... what are you doing with this?

Nothing. I mean, Bobby gave it to me.

Oh. Hmm. Bobby.

They say he smuggles gems,

opium, all sorts of things.

Dad, I'm sorry. Sorry's not gonna cut it.

I want you to look me in the eye,

and I want you to answer me honestly.

Have you ever smoked pot?

No! I wasn't gonna smoke it.

I just have it. Yeah. Well, now you don't have it.

And you are never ever to play with Bobby again. Do you understand me?

But, Dad... No buts, young man.

I mean, you know what to do when someone offers you drugs.

Just say no.

Good for you.

All right.

Okay.

Dad, did you ever smoke pot?

If I tell ya, son, it's gonna ruin your day.

Yes.

Yes, but not for many, many years.

Hmm. Did you do it more than once?

Yes. Uh, more than once.

Well, like how many times?

50 million.

A figure to stagger the imagination.

Jeremy, that's not the point.

We're not discussing my history here.

Well, how come if you used to smoke pot,

then I'm not allowed to try it?

Do I have to answer? Well, this is very important.

Because I'm the dad and I say so.

What?

All right. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to pull the dad thing on you.

Uh...

Let's just talk about this like friends.

Okay? Okay.

Was it fun? Go to your room!

I told ya it'd ruin your day.

It was so easy when he was little, you know? The issues were black and white.

Don't play with matches. Don't stick your tongue in the socket.

Don't date sisters on the same night. Yeah.

Well, you were always more advanced than most kids.

So, how'd you end it with him?

I sent him to his room.

I know. I know. But he was grilling me.

You really are a dad, aren't ya?

Not just a dad, my dad.

You know, I could practically feel my hairline receding,

and I had a sudden urge to complain about the Knicks.

Yeah. It's easier being a kid.

At least you know who the enemy is. No kidding.

I just kept picturing dad with this giant martini glass in his hand,

lecturing me on the dangers of reefer.

My father always gave me the "in my day" speech.

I was gonna do that, but in my day I was smoking dope with you.

Hey, hey, hey.

Remember when you and Cheryl Castorini

smoked that Thai stick at the prom,

and she was freaked out

and thought the Moon was attacking you?

Marco! Marco, stop it! Make it stop!

God. That was a long time ago.

Yeah.

I can't remember much, but...

I was very happy.

A long time.

Where'd he get it? His friend Bobby.

Kid does nice work.

Not as good as I used to...

Yeah. Right.

Okay. That's it. Let's just throw it away.

Hold it! Hold it!

Here. Smell it.

What does it remind you of?

Days gone by.

Jeannie Dillon's basement. Yeah.

Yeah, that old pool table with the orange felt, right?

Santana on the 8-track. Yes! And your house.

Remember this sound?

"Boys, what are you doing in there?"

"Studying, Dad."

And you'd start pulling at that stuck window.

And you would fan the smoke out with the closet door.

And spray Right Guard everywhere, right?

I used to go through three cans a month.

My parents probably thought I had a glandular problem.

And you would always worry what would happen if you died

and they found your stash.

Yeah, but your thing was always the cops.

Remember that time we spent 45 minutes

hiding from the meter maid?

Oh, God.

Man, those sure were some great times.

Yeah.

What are you doing? Let's fire it up.

No, no, no. Oh, come on, man.

We haven't gotten high in, what, like, 15 years? It'll be fun.

All the cool kids are doing it.

Okay. Enough. Let's just throw it away.

What? What? Are you chicken?

Give me that! Give me that.

I'm warning you. What are you doing with that match?

Don't you light that up in here! Do you hear me?

You forgot to say "young man."

Do you want a hit? No.

Good for you.

Ah, come on. You know you want to.

I don't.

I don't.

I don't know how much longer I can hold out.

No! No. I can't.

I can't...

see the harm in one little hit.

Let's have ourselves a high old time!

Good shit.

The brain remains wide awake and alert in all its functions,

but all muscular activity of the body ceases.

Is this stuff stronger than it used to be?

Yeah.

The stuff did have a real big kick.

You're stoned!

No, I'm not.

You don't exist, you know.

Yeah, I'm stoned.

Eddie, Eddie.

Did you ever think about how...

What?

What?

You must prepare yourself for delirium,

hallucinations, almost anything.

I'm on television.

I'm on television.

My flesh feels like glass still hot from the furnace.

Ow! Ow. Oh! Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

My body is weightless.

I can move with no effort,

as if I were bodiless.

I fell all the way down.

So, you wanna do something?

Nah.

Hungry!

Come on, man! You're not catching it.

I'll get it.

Martin.

Shh.

Shh.

Hello? Hi. It's me.

Oh. Judith.

Hi.

So, how are you?

I, um...

You're still pretty high.

I'm normal.

Normal?

You know, like, fine. Like, uh, normally fine.

Well, I just called to see how things went with Jeremy.

Who? Oh. Oh, yeah.

Well, we had... uh, we had a good talk.

And, uh, it was a little tough, but, uh...

I think he understands where we're coming from.

Oh. Well... well, good. And you're okay?

Uh... Martin.

Martin.

Martin.

This isn't really a good time. Can we talk later?

Yeah. Sure. I just... I'll call you tomorrow.

Hey.

You're an asshole.

Beef with broccoli. Kung pao chicken.

Uh, garlic shrimp. Beef with broccoli!

Beef with broccoli! Beef with broccoli!

Three beef with broccoli.

And appetizers. Get appetizers. Uh, and egg rolls.

You can always get more.

Two orders.

Get more. Four orders.

And, uh, extra mustard.

Yeah. Thanks.

We did it.

Wow. That was fast.

Who is it? Hi, Dad. It's me.

The party's over.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Uh, no, no, no.

Come on up. Get... get... get...

Oh, shit. The window! Get... get...

Get the deodorant!

Where is it?

Got it.

What?

Hi, Dad.

Something wrong with the door? No. It works just fine.

I thought you were staying, at Franklin's.

Oh, I am. I just came up to pick up my Game Boy.

Oh. Go right ahead.

It smells funny in here.

No, no. I don't think so. I don't smell anything.

Yeah, yeah. It smells like...

school.

I think we're okay.

You got any gum? No.

Just one stick. Shh!

Hey, Dad.

Have you seen my Tetris cartridge?

Uh, no. No, no.

I'm sure I left it around here somewhere.

Mm.

What's there?

If I tell ya, son, it's gonna ruin your day.

What's where? There.

Oh.

Jeremy.

Dad, I'm not gonna yell at you.

I just want you to know

I am really, really disappointed.

Boy, he's good.

Uh, Jeremy.

Morning! Morning, Toby.

What? No flowers? Flowers? Why?

What'd you get me? Candy?

Toby, what are you talking about?

Oh, come on, Mr. Sly Guy. You know.

It's Secretary's Day!

Oh, my God. Toby, I'm sorry.

Okay? I... I forgot.

You can't fool me. Where'd you hide it?

Toby, really. There's no gift, okay?

I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you.

I can't believe this. You forgot Secretary's Day?

Tomorrow I'll take you out to lunch, okay?

Some place nice.

Tomorrow's not Secretary's Day. Tomorrow's just Tuesday.

What kind of boss are you?

I remember every single birthday of every member of your family,

and you can't even remember one lousy day!

Okay. I'm sorry. I forgot.

I'm just... I'm not myself today.

I'm a disgrace and a discredit.

Look.

Take the rest of the morning off

and buy yourself something nice.

And have a nice Secretary's Day.

It's not the same.

Okay.

Thank you.

Zita? Let's go. He fell for it again!

Meet the Possum family.

This is Mr. Possum. He's the daddy.

Dad, I had you investigated.

Mr. Possum is driving his steamroller to work.

Mr. Possum is very strong,

but he also

cooks and cleans

and takes care of the children.

Dad.

You need help. Maybe a psychiatrist.

And here are the children, Timmy and Tammy.

They like to run and play,

but do all of their homework.

Dad, in heaven's name, why?

The Possum family was happy.

Happy, happy, happy.

Until one day,

Mr. Possum did a terrible, terrible thing.

And when Sheriff Badger left the house,

the Possum children were very, very, very disappointed

in their father.

And Mr. Possum knew that what he had done

was very, very, very bad.

Yes. Yes. Go on. Go on.

Well, so, Mr. Possum knew that what he had to do

was make it all better

to win back the love of his children.

Yes!

Exactly! Great! It's great.

So he came to the door,

and he opened the door,

and there were his children

looking up at him.

What did he do?

What did he say? You know, how... how did he make it better?

He didn't have to say anything.

The children just understood.

They what?

They just understood.

Oh.

Oh!

They just understood.

Do you have any children, Miss Tittlewood?

Hmm? Do you? Have you ever even met a child? Have you?

Well, I... well...

These obviously weren't teenage possums!

I have a book about three bumblebees on a trip...

Get the fuck out of my office!

What are you looking at?

You.

You are lost.

But maybe not too late to save boy.

Hey, mister. Hey, mister.

This was a great idea, Dad. Can I go now?

What? Don't you want to swing?

I don't think you're the sort of person

you want me playing with anymore.

Jeremy, sit down.

I'll sit, but I won't swing.

That's up to you.

Okay, look.

About yesterday...

I'm sorry. Sorry's not gonna cut it!

This isn't going to be as simple as I thought.

Okay, look, I screwed up, I'm a jerk, a schmuck.

Whatever you wanna call me. Try hypocrite.

We are most cruelly hurt by those we love.

You know what, I used to call my dad that.

But I'll tell you something he never told me.

You're right. I know.

Oops. Caught you swinging.

So, was it fun?

That's not the point. Fine!

All right.

All right. It was fun. But it was dumb.

If it was dumb, then why'd you do it?

Because I remembered doing it as a kid,

you know, and I wanted to feel like a kid again.

Why did you do it when you were a kid?

Because I thought it was cool, you know?

And it made me feel grown-up. Dad, make up your mind.

Come on, Jeremy. What do you want me to say? I mean, I'm sorry.

I don't have any answers, you know? I'm just scared.

I'm just scared about you trying drugs. Why?

You used to get stoned, and you're okay.

Yeah, I'm okay. But you're my kid.

You know, what if you try them and you're not okay, huh?

What if you wind up like your Aunt Millie?

Look, I can't control you.

That's true.

Don't agree so fast. Wait a minute.

I'm just never gonna be okay with you trying drugs.

Ever.

So you call me a hypocrite if you want.

Nah. Once a day's enough.

Thanks.

Okay. I'll tell you what.

I promise you I'll never get high again.

Ever.

Okay? Okay.

And?

Oh, that's a good promise, Dad.

So, you hungry? Yeah. I'm starving.

How do you feel about beef and broccoli?

Yeah. Yeah?

That's all. There's no finish to this.