Original subtitles

"Rebecca wanted him."

She wanted him more than any man

she had ever known.

She wanted to feel his hot breath on her neck

"and his eager hands caressing her body."

What's the matter, kid? The heat getting you?

Uh-huh. "She wanted him to take her,

cruelly, body and soul."

She did?

"And he knew she wanted him.

All he had to do was

say the word."

Would you like to go out sometime?

Maybe now?

I don't think so.

Oh, okay.

Uh...

Well, the art is great, and the, uh...

the copy is solid and...

Are you seeing somebody? No.

Oh.

Well, the only thing we might reconsider is the typeface.

Maybe something a little bolder. You don't date coworkers, is that it?

No, at my last job,

I went out with one of the editors,

and that wasn't a problem.

Oh, I see.

Well, m... maybe, uh...

May... Maybe... Maybe she doesn't like you.

That one.

That one I could put a bullet through real easy.

Thank you, Toby!

Hey, hey.

Phil!

Hey, Martin, how are you?

God, look at you. You... You haven't changed a bit.

You obviously haven't seen me naked.

Hey, I thought... I thought for sure I was gonna see you

at Uncle Lou's funeral, well, what happened? I couldn't make it.

Can you believe he's dead? What a shock.

Hey, remember the game he used to play with us as kids?

Huh? "Who am I?"

Who am I?

The first captain of Israel, who...

whose services have been greater than his rewards.

Who am I?

God, I hated him. Me too.

So ho... how's it going with the, um...

Oh, oh, so-so.

We finally signed the papers.

She got the house, both cars, and 50% of the business.

What did you get? Satisfaction of firing my lawyer.

I really miss her.

So, you, uh... you started dating yet, huh?

No, no, no. She's a tough act to follow.

Phil, she was a tough act, period.

I mean, now that it's over, I got to tell you. Gloria was...

For heaven's sake, be diplomatic with him.

She was such a bitch. I know.

I like that in a woman.

She had character.

It's 4:59, the highlight of my day was finding

one of Zita's press-on nails floating in my coffee.

Color me nauseous. I'm outta here! Toby,

if it's not too much to ask, I need a copy of the Oberman file. Please. Thank you.

Of course you can't copy it yourself,

what with being paralyzed from the waist down

as a result of your war wound.

What the hell are you looking at?

Toby, this is my cousin, Phil, from Miami.

Phil, this is Toby.

Nice to meet you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, is he from the lazy side of the family?

She's fabulous.

Excuse me? That fire, that passion!

What, Toby? Yeah.

What's her story? Is she married? You think she'll go out with me?

Toby? Well, come on, what can you tell me about her?

She's a wonderful battleship of a woman.

Far as I know, she's not married, she lives in the Village,

she's got a dog and couple of cats. Is she a temp?

No. She's worked for me for eight years.

And all you know is she has a few pets?

Well, yeah. Well, my secretary and I know all about each other.

Uh, well, actually, she does know a lot about me.

I just... I just don't know much about her.

Well, could you find out?

I'd rather be executed.

So I'm really glad you and I could get together like this.

Yeah, it's... it's lovely.

Am I getting fired? No.

Actually, I asked you out because I was sitting in my office

and... and it occurred to me that I...

I don't know very much about you.

So?

So...

I'd like to know more.

Like what? Um...

After you put lipstick on, you always blot your lips?

Are you seeing anybody?

Oh, my God! Are you asking me out? No!

Good. 'Cause you're not exactly what my mother's been

lighting a candle for all these years.

Look, my cousin, Phil, thinks you're great, and he wants to know

if he can ask you out on a date, so...

what do you say?

Oh, marvelous. Just splendid.

Listen, Cupid, you can tell your cousin

the next time he has a question for me,

he can ask me himself.

Toby?

Toby?

Do you wanna go out with me tonight?

No. No?

No? You sure?

I've got two tickets to the Met.

Opera?

Strike one!

Okay, how about two tickets to the Mets?

Yankee fan.

Strike two!

You know, uh, when you do that...

you look just like a little kitten licking its paw or something.

I look like a kitten? To me, yeah, you do.

What baseline? You're gonna go?

No, I'm just curious what baseline.

Third, they're playing the Dodgers,

and it's Bat Night.

Bat Night, huh?

Base hit! He's made it to first.

Oh, yeah!

Boy, you really scared those kids.

Thanks for all the bats. Ah, don't mention it.

This is me. Oh.

You know, uh,

I had a really nice time tonight.

Yeah, it was better than losing an eye.

You think maybe I could see you tomorrow?

You could call me. You could find out.

I gotta go!

So Phil tells me you're getting together again.

Sounds like it's going pretty well with you guys.

You gonna bring him to the office party, huh?

Get a life!

Okay, I'm gonna finish these reports.

Hold my calls.

I don't want any interruptions.

Hi, Toby, here are those proofs that you needed.

Monica!

Again we meet. I'm telling you, it's... it's fate.

Toby, could you go in my office and, uh,

take care of those things I was... I was telling you about?

What's with your head? Thank you.

All right, all right.

Monica...

Maybe it would help if you thought of me as... as someone else.

You know, someone you like. Someone you'd go out with.

Because... because I could be that person. You don't know.

You've never been out with me.

But, uh... I have a meeting.

Guess I made quite a hit with her.

Think about it!

Who do you like?

Whoa.

Nice technique.

Oh, sure, uh, I liked to play with pipes and faucets

when I was a kid,

but I never imagined that one day

I would own my own plumbing and heating supply business.

Do you have a dream? No.

Oh, come on. I said no.

Yes, you do. Come on.

Tell anybody, and I'll break your lips.

I always dreamed of becoming

a tap dancer.

A tap dancer?

Right, left, right, right.

Left, right, left, left.

The Shimsham. Great.

Now let's try that other step I taught you.

Five, six, seven, eight,

shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.

Hey, you're dancing!

That was great!

God, I have fun with you.

Let's not call it a night yet.

Come on, what do you say? Do you wanna get some coffee?

Maybe dance around the block one more time?

It's getting kind of late. What?

Hey, you're right.

Big hand's on 12, and the little hand's on love.

I think your watch is a little fast.

I'm sorry, Toby.

I'm just so crazy about you.

Do you think maybe I could come up?

Wait a minute.

Come here in the light.

Is that a paisley tie?

Yeah, I guess. I hate paisleys.

What is a paisley anyway?

I... it's not a check, it's not a stripe.

I mean, it... it's just a thing.

It's not like you just have one of them.

Your tie is crawling with them!

I'll take it off. Forget it.

We're through. I... it's not gonna work.

Here.

Thank you, but I needed this on three-hole paper.

How the hell was I supposed to know that?

We always do this on three-hole.

Oh, I guess 'cause we always do them on three-hole,

I'm supposed to be the Amazing Kreskin

and know this one is done on three-hole?

Well, I... Fine!

You want three holes?

I'll give you three holes.

There's three holes.

But hey, why stop at three?

Why not five?

Why not seven?

Why don't I make it into an origami duck!

Never seen her act so strange.

Wonder what's come over her.

Thank you, Toby. That'll... that'll be fine.

Mm, and now she's completely out of control.

You know, I mean, she's... she's like Aunt Rita.

Help! Help! There's a man in the wall.

Help me get him out!

Yeah, well, it's over between us.

I'm really sorry, Phil. I mean, what... what happened?

I don't know. I don't know.

She's sensitive.

She's like a delicate little bird.

Are we talking about the same Toby?

She's short and hostile. Threw a coffee mug at me this morning.

You don't know her, Martin. I blew it. I blew it.

I'm going home tomorrow, and I'm never gonna see her again.

No, no, no. Thank you.

We're having an office party tonight. Why don't you come?

Maybe you can talk to her there. Mmm.

"Your love life will take a surprising turn."

What does yours say?

"Your love life will take a surprising turn."

God, she's beautiful.

She really is.

I can't.

She's just gonna break my heart again.

No, no, no, she won't. Come on, Phil.

I'll bet she'll be thrilled to see you, just go, go.

Hi.

What the hell are you doing here?

I just came by to show off my new tie.

You wanna dance?

I'm pretty good.

I learned from the best.

Oh, all right.

Scotch and water, please.

Hold the rejection.

When Gloria kicked down that door and walked out of my life,

I thought, "That's it.

I'll eat, I'll sleep,

I'll sell a few sinks,

but I'll never be happy again."

And then you came into my life.

Kicked down the door, huh?

Toby...

come back to Florida with me.

Florida? Are you kidding? What am I, a flamingo?

Phil, you've known me one week!

Martin,

I promise after today, I won't reject you anymore.

Really?

Yeah, today's my last day. I'm moving to London.

Skycoff & Cudwell are making me head of production.

Oh.

Congratulations.

Uh, don't get misty on me.

Look, you know you'll come visit again.

We'll go bowling. You'll be okay.

Yeah. Maybe every once in a while

you can call me and shoot me down long distance.

What? Whenever you look at your feet,

I know there's something else.

Well...

it's my last night in town and, uh...

I wondered if you'd go back to the hotel with me.

I wanna make love to you, Toby Pedalbee.

You do? Yeah.

I wanna kiss your neck and smell your hair.

Huh.

I wanna feel you in my arms

and hold you tight.

Okay.

I wanna suck on your toes.

Oh, boy.

What do you say?

I... I...

I hate this song!

Toby?

Oh, Martin.

Martin, Martin. I am so drunk.

And I am so horny.

And you

are so attracted to me.

I don't want a relationship.

I don't even want a date.

But if you're up for it,

I could be naked and in your office

in five minutes.

Oh, he'd never do that now.

We've made great progress in control.

I could work with that.

Martin, Martin, you've got to help me. I don't know what happened.

I said the wrong thing, I did the wrong thing,

but now she won't even speak to me.

Maybe you could talk to her.

Phil, I'm sorry.

But it's really none of my business.

Wait, how long have we been talking?

I just can't believe I made her cry.

Who? Toby.

Toby cried? What do you think, Jim?

Could be.

Seems hard to believe though.

Oh, my God.

Um...

w... w... where is she?

What the hell are you doing here?

I wanna talk to you. What, you couldn't use your own bathroom? I'm sure

you can find someone nice to chat with by the urinals. I just...

Hey. You guys get a couch.

Our secret is out. What do you want?

I want...

You look fine. Really.

What's going on between you and Phil?

What is going on between me and Phil is between me and Phil!

Toby, is there something about Phil?

Is he a lousy kisser?

Or are his hands clammy? What?

Do you hate his toupee? Phil wears a toupee?

You never heard me say that.

Martin, we have known each other for eight years,

and in all that time, there is one thing

I have never said to you, "Please."

Please leave me alone!

I don't want to. Why?

Because I care about you.

Martin, I'm your secretary.

You care that your coffee's hot.

You care that your reports have the right number of holes in them.

Jesus, Toby, is... is that all you think you are to me?

No, I'm also the person who ignores your memos and steals your paper clips.

You're also the person who, for the last eight years, has been a constant in my life.

A constant pain in the ass, yeah, but

you... you've always been there for me.

When I almost got fired that time, and... and when

Jeremy was in the hospital. How about when your wife dumped you?

Yeah, then too.

Just once, Toby,

let me be there for you.

You know what it was like to make love for the very first time?

Yeah.

I don't. What do you...

Toby.

You mean you're... Say that word, and it'll be your last!

Look, it's not like I never did anything.

It's just that I didn't do everything.

I waited too long.

I wanted to...

I don't know what. Meet Mr. Right?

Well, after a couple of years,

you're lucky if you can find Mr. Not-So-Hot,

and before you know it, you're stuck with

Mr. Well-He-Doesn't- Have-Hair-In-His-Ears.

But Phil's such a great guy.

You're right. He is.

But after a while, it's...

it's not about the guy so much.

It's about that you never did it in the first place.

And, uh... ah, you wouldn't understand!

You've made love, what, how many times?

Twenty-eight and a half, if you count the one over the shower door.

Enough. You probably wouldn't even remember your first time.

Oh, yeah? In Sandusky, Ohio.

April 19, 1953.

Candice McNally. It was in her family's rec room.

We had her old Yogi Bear sleeping bag spread out on the linoleum.

Her little brother was upstairs somewhere

playing "It's a Small World" over and over and over again.

And she... she had this... this tiny little cat

that... that kept attacking my feet.

She was so pretty.

And I was so scared.

It wasn't the best sex I ever had,

but it was probably the most wonderful.

My first time was in a '57 Pontiac, Benny Levine.

Who said that? It was one of those starry nights, you know?

Oh, God. It was beautiful. We were on a hill overlooking the entire city.

Well, then his foot got caught in the clutch.

We rolled down the hill. I got these three stitches across my nose.

You know, I never heard from him again.

Thank you for sharing that. Oh, no, thank you.

Toby, listen.

If you don't wanna do this, you don't have to do it.

But if you do want to,

just look at it this way.

Once you've made love for the first time...

you'll never have to make love for the first time again.

Don't argue. Let's go.

Don't forget me.

Hey!

You're late.

I almost started without you.

I'm sorry.

I was just... Okay, let's do this.

Standing, sitting, what?

I don't care. What's good for you?

Is that what you want?

More than anything else in the world, is that what you want?

You know what?

I think I'll just pass.

Martin.

You want me.

Is that true?

Sure, it's true. Ask my mother.

No.

I mean, yes, but not...

Not like this. Well, what do you want?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Maybe a little cat attacking my feet.

What?

Thanks anyway.

Could you hit the lights on your way out?

Has to be a first time for everything.

Oh.

Ow.

Hello? Well, we did it.

And? That was it?

That was the whole thing?

That's what I waited 37 years for?

Honey?

You want a little champagne from room service?

I gotta go.

Hello?

Never mind that last phone call.

I figured something out.

Hooray!

So?

What "so?"

What, do you want details?

You want pictures?

Look, let's not let this caring thing go to your head.

Well, if that's the case,

I think I need the Franzblau contracts.

And if you could, get me a cup of coffee.

I could,

but look, so could you!

Quite a change. Not in spirit, I think.

What's with the face? What, do you think 'cause of last night

I'm supposed to be a different person?

You think that's what I really needed, huh?

Well, let me tell you something!

Good morning, Toby.