Original subtitles

Kathleen.

Kathleen.

People break up.

It's really nobody's fault.

This is my yogurt.

I paid for these Pop-Tarts.

I paid for half of this lettuce.

Please just take the whole thing.

No, no.

Oh, Martin, how am I ever going to live without you?

Kathleen, we've only been going out for three weeks.

Please just try to get some perspective.

You're glad it's over, aren't you?

How can you say that?

I feel as bad about this as you do.

Really?

Of course, I feel bad,

but I think we're doing the right thing, don't you?

Oh, good one.

What do you expect me to say?

I think we should just say it's over.

It's hard, but we have to do it.

Wait.

My cheese.

Goodbye.

I swear to you,

my last thought before I went under the knife was,

if I don't survive this operation, my one regret

is that I never got to spend a night

with my beautiful nurse, Irene.

Mr. Charles, you had your eyes done.

Cosmetic surgery is generally not considered

a life-or-death operation.

All right. How about drinks then?

Here's a wild one, all right?

Please remove your hand from my behind.

Oh, is it on your behind?

I can't see.

Dr. Falco will be in in a few minutes.

Smooth.

Hey, pal.

How do you feel?

Like I got hit by two little trucks.

But believe me, it's worth it.

Sure, sure.

Who isn't going to want to watch a 37-year-old talk show host

with a 31-year-old eyes?

So how are you doing?

I broke up with Kathleen.

Bud, you've been grasping at straws ever since Judith left.

What the hell are you looking for anyway?

I'm looking for what every guy is looking for.

Judith.

Someone who's bright and funny.

Judith.

I just want...

Judith.

You are not going to find another Judith, you know.

I know that.

So, Mr. Charles.

How are we feeling?

Nervous. No need to be nervous.

Doctor, do you want me to just...

No, no, stay, stay.

I'm really good at this.

Oh my God. What?

What is it? I'm kidding.

I'm a kidder.

It really looks good.

Remarkably, a little swelling or bruising.

Very funny, doctor.

Here.

Take a look.

Martin, do I look different to you?

No, not really. You look good.

I don't look changed somehow.

Well, a little younger, maybe.

Hmm.

Oh, are we on Pacific time today?

It's been a tough morning.

Perfect, because it's going to be a tougher afternoon.

There was a slight problem at the printers.

Again?

The computer accidentally merged the pages of a woman

called Desire with the Fruzzle family picnic.

Oh, no.

Hey, it actually holds together until Binky Fruzzle gets

defloured by the stable boy.

It's peculiar and different, and I think I like it.

Bring me both sets of galleys and get production

on the phone for me, okay?

By the way, I don't know if you saw this little item

in the newspaper, but they start filming tomorrow

on the Richard Stone story.

Yeah, yeah, I saw it.

You know, it's bad enough your wife of 10 years dumps you,

then marries a man they're calling, what do they say here?

A Gandhi for our time.

All right, all right. Shut up, you.

But now you got to pay $7 just to watch it.

Yeah, well, Richard's done some amazing things,

and I think he deserves whatever he's got coming.

Here's what we're going to do. What is it?

Make a loop or slip it right over his head like this.

Wow.

Nick Spencer's starring in it.

Oh, my God.

They got Julia Montana to play Judith.

Really?

So, Judith.

Julia Montana, huh? Hmm.

Didn't you hate her in that whale movie?

Did I?

You were the only one in the audience who cheered

when she got eaten.

Well, maybe.

So when do they start shooting?

Tomorrow morning.

They're only going to be in New York for a few days, and

then they're off to Brazil to do those scenes where Richard

fights to save the rain forest.

Tell me something.

How much is Richard making off of this little adventure?

Nothing.

All the money is going to the Romanian orphan babies.

What was I thinking?

So you're going to go watch?

I'll probably stop by.

You want to come?

I'd rather be dead.

It's tempting, but I've got a really crazy

schedule this week, so.

Hi.

Hey, Dad. Hey.

Did Mom tell you? I'm going to be in the movie.

Okay. Yeah, I play myself.

I even have a line.

Jeremy, I don't- Do you want to hear it?

I don't think your father needs to-

No, no, no. Go ahead.

I say, Richard, you're incredible.

I'm so glad you're going to be my new dad.

Your new dad?

His new dad.

Well, you know that they've taken

a little dramatic license.

What time do they start shooting?

They're about ready to start shooting, so let's go in.

Quiet! Roll it!

Feed! Mark it!

Marking.

And action.

Can't remember looking forward to his classes more

than anyone's. Yeah.

Wasn't he just the most brilliant professor

you ever had? He sure was.

Not only did he change the way I look at molecules,

but also the way I see myself as a woman.

You know, I heard a rumor that he wasn't really

killed in that lab explosion.

What do you mean?

I heard there was an accident with one his experiments,

and now he lives on as a horrible mutation.

Half man, half fungus.

That's ridiculous.

Cut! Goddamn it.

Who is that?

Is this the Richard Stone story?

No, that's Studio B.

Sorry.

It's Leon Karp.

I'm holding for Karen, still.

Hey, you're the guy from that scientist commercial, right?

Yeah.

You know, that nasal spray really works.

Oh, I'm so glad.

Karen, this is Leon again.

Look, I'm not blaming you.

I'm not blaming... All right, I'm blaming you.

I know it's the Richard Stone story,

but it's the same damn part, whiny and pathetic.

Look, have you read the script? Have you?

I have played My last putz, Karen, goodbye.

Geez, agents.

Yeah, lousy part, huh? The worst.

I play the idiot ex-husband, Marvin.

It's not a dream.

It's a nightmare.

Martin, isn't this exciting?

That's the guy from the sinus commercial.

Jude, how much of this movie are we in?

Well, just a couple of scenes.

They felt that between Richard helping the Ethiopian

famine victims and going to save the rain forest, they just

needed some romantic subplot.

Oh, so I'm a subplot?

No, Martin, I'm the subplot.

You're just an obstacle.

Is not a nightmare, is a daymare.

That makes me feel much better. Thank you.

It's not really us.

It's fiction, really.

I mean, it bears very little resemblance to our...

Oh, my God.

This just ain't a-happenin'.

Okay, I gave them some pictures to use as research, but

it's not exactly our apartment.

Look, look at this upholstery.

And we would never, never subscribe to this magazine.

Right, right.

And of course, we would have a wall right about here.

Okay, that's it. That's it.

I'm out of here. You think I'm going to...

I'm going to just stand by and...

And watch...

Would you excuse me for a second?

Judith.

Julia Montana. Yes.

Nice to meet you.

Judith.

It's always so weird to meet the actual person you're playing.

Sometimes it really fucks up your process,

but I did want to say hello.

Well, hello.

This is a most remarkable resemblance.

This is Martin Tupper, my ex-husband.

You probably know me as the obstacle.

Oh, this must be very hard for you.

No, no, not really.

What's past is past.

Wow.

Good for you.

Is Richard here?

No, he wishes he could be, but he's in Washington today.

What are they making him, Surgeon General or something?

Well, it's still in the talking stages.

Anyway, we're about to rehearse.

I hope you'll be staying to watch.

Well, I have patients, and Martin has-

Has a very light schedule, and I'd be happy to stay.

Well, great.

See you around.

I don't know why they hired her.

She looks nothing like me.

He's coming.

Sir Roland is coming.

It's Sir Roland Moorecock.

That blouse is a disease.

What?

Oh, I just thought it went with the skirt.

Indeed, it does.

This is not what we discussed at all.

This is not the wife of Richard Stone.

This is the wife of a civil servant

from Bayonne, New Jersey.

There's no style, no witz, not a trace of sexuality.

And that blouse makes one wonder whether the woman

has a vagina or a snap purse.

Hey. And you, sweetie, what is this?

You did not have this when I hired you.

This is the worst toupee I have ever seen.

It's not a toupee.

Excuse me, sir Roland, sir.

These are not the actors.

The actors are over there.

Thank God.

Fabulous.

I love the blouse.

Well, I'm late. Are you staying?

I think one of us should stay to make sure

they get the story right.

Quiet for rehearsal, God damn it.

Success and glamor and- Quiet!

They're ready for you, sir.

Now, boys and girls, we must remember that these

are ordinary people, so it's up

to us to breathe a little magic

into their sad little lives.

And action.

I want your signature, Marvin.

I want a divorce.

Martin, I want you to sign those papers.

Now?

Why now?

I want to marry Richard.

I want to marry Richard.

He's the doctor, right?

Oh, come on, Martin, don't do this.

I love him, Marvin.

I love the way his eyes seem to catch the moonlight.

And I...

I love the way he saved those schoolchildren

in Oklahoma during that tornado when he carried all 27

of them to safety in 120-mile-an-hour winds.

Judith, what are you trying to say?

I want those papers signed by next week.

Sign those papers.

Well, okay.

Cut.

Well, that was 30 seconds of my life completely wasted.

Let's hope it gets better by the time we shoot it.

Let's hope so.

Okay, second team in.

Let's light this, fucker.

Yes?

This is really none of my business, but...

when this really happened, never mind.

No, please.

Anything you could give me would be great.

Well, it's just that when this really happened,

Judith, my Judith,

she wasn't so emotional.

She was much calmer, almost...

I'm sorry, I'm way out of a line here.

You just do your work.

I want your signature, Marvin.

I want a divorce.

That was...

Judith.

Definitely closer.

There are a couple of scenes in particular where...

Like here, I was wondering.

I mean, I don't get it.

What am I supposed to be feeling when

I stand here looking at you?

I think you're probably feeling a lot of guilt.

Because I think you know that if you'd worked a little

harder, we might not have lost this great thing that we had.

What about you?

Are you still in love with me?

Yay.

More than I'll ever be able to tell you.

Really?

So then you're not just a schmuck?

No.

No.

I'm actually the tragic hero in this story.

You are? Sure.

I let the woman I love just walk out of my life so

she could find her happiness.

That's very moving.

I know.

You think I want to just sit here and watch you go?

It's all I can do, not to...

What?

What is it that you want to do?

What do I want to do?

Jump on her.

Do this.

Interesting.

I can use that.

Good.

Good.

Just trying to help.

What's it like when we make love?

Pardon me?

I mean, just so I know his background.

What's it like when we make love?

It's okay.

Unbelievable.

Really?

I've spoiled you for other men.

That's good to know.

I've been waiting a long time, Judith.

Look, I'm sorry, this is not a tornado.

I felt more wind from my grandmother's ass.

Maybe we should go.

Better.

Getting a little dangerous.

Would you like to come back to my place?

I think I would.

Now at the hail.

Next time on Dream On.

If anybody needs me, I'll be at the studio.

At the studio? Certainly, Mr. DeMille.

It hurts.

I'm so glad you're going to be my new dad.

All right. It's perfect.

I actually think I'm starting to inhabit this woman.

You're the one who said she's nothing like you.

I don't know, Freud would approve.

Thank you.

I'm going to invite you all to my little shack

in the country this weekend.

You see, I envision a scene in which Richard Stone saves

the lives of three, no, four.

I like to hear all about you.

You think we look like we just had sex?

Why should anything come between us?

Julia?

Nick Spencer.

Oh, God.

Nick Spencer.

Martin, you're not getting jealous, are you?

She's right on the button.

Please stop it.

They're Hollywood people.

I'm real people.

Really?