Original subtitles

This is the city. New York.

I work here. I'm a secretary.

But I got better things to do.

And you heard about Claudia in payroll?

Twins. Not identical.

They think different fathers.

This is the nerve center.

And no piece of gossip, no matter how unfounded,

gets past this desk.

Hello.

I knew it! I told you they weren't real.

Real ones don't point up.

Tonight's story is about the juiciest bit of office smarm

ever to wash up on this lady's blotter.

My name's Pedalbee.

It is Monday, 10:45.

"And then Zack's hand found Marilyn's left tit

and squeezed it hard.

'More! More!' she cried.

So he pounded into her.

Her soft body indistinguishable

"from the tons of whale meat lying beneath them."

Pretty great, huh?

That was beautiful.

Just beautiful.

I gotta tell you, Vernon, uh,

for a romance novel,

it's not very,

you know, romantic.

Why?

Well... well, first of all,

th... there's the title.

Eat My Giant Love.

Yeah?

Let me come at you a different way, Vernon.

There's a certain kind of language one uses

in writing romance.

Like what?

Like... like on page 25 here.

You know, maybe you could use a word like,

uh, oh, I don't know, like, "womanhood."

Instead of this animal reference.

Okay.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. All right.

"He freed his bulging power tool

and stuck it into her womanhood

again and again and again."

It's closer.

Or, uh, maybe something like, uh...

"Her pliant lips found his

in a lingering kiss

that throbbed like the ho of beats

of a thousand wild horses.

He felt the fullness of her bosom

"pressing against his manly chest."

And then?

And then she screams, "Oh, my God!

14 inches of hot, pulsating man meat!"

It's, uh,

sort of a work in progress.

I think we're off to a terrific start,

and I can't wait to dig in again on Thursday.

Sure. Thanks, Marty.

How can you touch him?

Hello, Betty.

God, I hate this job!

Thanks for the rescue.

I'm Valerie Knox.

Well, hello, Valerie Knox. I'm...

Joe Handsome.

And if you've got any cracks

about my last name, keep it to yourself.

I'm Martin Tupper.

Valerie Knox.

Why do I know that name?

I'm your new managing editor.

D... did I say I hate this job?

Because I didn't mean this job.

It was a... a different job. A summer job.

You know, there was a lot of fried foods involved, and... Can we start over again?

Yeah. Would you like to sit down?

Martin, I've been looking over your work,

and you're a very good editor.

Oh, you think so?

Well, I could be wrong.

No, no, no. No, I'm sure you're not.

Please, go ahead.

There's this project I brought over from the Haymarket Press.

The author is dead, and I'm looking for someone

to work with me on it.

It's a little out of your area, but... Sold.

Don't you even wanna hear what it is?

I already know what it is.

If it's out of my area, that means it's not a diet book

or something with a severed head on the cover.

And so, please, whatever it is, I'll take it.

Great. I'm looking forward to working together.

That's the most promising statement

anybody's made to me in years.

Okay.

9:37 p.m.

While most of us are home eating raw cookie dough,

the lights are still burning at Whitestone Publishing.

I don't understand. How can you do that?

It's easy, you... you just flip chapters 30 and 31.

That way you don't have all this first-person narration back to back.

Right. Right!

But that still doesn't solve the problem

with the last chapter.

Just cut it.

You can't, it...

Oh, yes, you can.

That works!

Martin, you're brilliant.

You know my motto? Never get excited.

Okay, uh, I like this part here where you find the nun's ear imprint...

What happens if we kill the blind girl?

Oh, that's awful.

I like it.

Now, who does it?

Uh, who does it? I don't know.

Um, maybe...

She kills herself!

That's it.

Martin, you're fabulous.

That's enough. Plenty.

So, we, uh... we leave the convent.

So the doctor doesn't know. No, he doesn't know.

And Helga's not talking. Right, right, right.

So... what about the maid?

Uh...

Fuck her!

Now we've had our little joke, let us get on with the work.

I don't think this is such a great idea.

You know, I mean, you're my boss, and...

It's fine. No problem. Really.

Oh. Okay.

Then, uh,

why don't I make a copy of these notes,

and we can review it in the morning.

I'll walk out with you. Okay.

Talk to me about chapter three. Uh, well, I think there's some problems,

but I... I know how to fix them.

The section where she relives

her mother's death...

Open with it. Yes!

So then she... Right.

Because she doesn't... Right.

Oh! That's incredible!

It makes her so pathetic!

Right!

Yes!

We've just been given an important award

for our work.

All right, people,

I have a very specific way of working.

Tuesday, 9:11 a.m.

The usual crew.

Linnea Wise.

The only thing worse than her taste in men,

is her taste in hats.

Carter Stevenson.

Currently having an affair with his secretary.

An Asian woman named Donna who, unbeknownst to him,

is also playing "hide the spring roll"

with this man, Drew Barnett.

If her husband ever finds out,

they're both dead meat.

Finally, Cindy Monroe.

The total professional.

The only sheets she gets between are vellum and bond.

But she'll crack. They always do.

A meeting is in progress. The plot thickens.

Carter, I'd like you on The Codependency Cookbook.

Okey-dokey.

And Drew and Linnea,

you two split up the next four cotillion novels.

Oh, great. I have so much in common with debutantes.

Join the club. Mm.

And Martin, I'm taking you off Eat My Giant Love.

Oh, but why?

He's this close to turning Vernon

into the next Barbara Cartland.

If she had crabs.

Cindy, I want you to take him on.

What?

I'm supposed to go from an Eisenhower biography

to a book that comes with a Wet-Nap?

I'm sorry, Cindy, but I need to clear Martin's schedule.

He's going to be handling the next Angus Macnie novel.

Really?

I can't believe it.

Neither can I.

All right, people, that's it.

Status reports by four o'clock.

Way to cozy up to your new staff.

I hate her. What's with her hair? Bitch.

Boy, is she strict.

Cindy, I'm really sorry about the Vernon thing.

No, really, I'm... I'm sure I'll love him.

I've had my shots.

Ooh, I'm getting off of your street, buster.

Valerie.

Thank you so much.

Angus Macnie!

My whole career,

this is the kind of thing I've been waiting for.

I'm not gonna let you down. I know you won't.

You're extremely talented.

Mm!

Valerie, uh,

last night was really...

Explosive.

Involuntary. Delicious.

Nice.

You know, but I'm... I'm just a little concerned about

this affecting our, you know, working relationship.

Oh, I think this can only enhance our working relationship.

In the early days of our nation, barter was a customary method of trade.

Martin,

you and I are going to make great books together.

We are?

I feel like a shower.

Care to join me?

Uh, well, I... I just took one really.

Uh.

Valerie.

I wouldn't want people to get the wrong idea.

Martin, nobody ever has to know.

It's practically impossible

to commit any act in a large city

without being noticed by someone.

11:32 a.m.

Yours truly enters the story.

So, I was in the Xerox room this morning

copying your expense report,

and look what I found collated in the bin.

A couple of sex-crazed employees

playing tushy tag!

I didn't do it. I'm innocent!

Mm, y... you don't say.

Talk about photoreproduction.

You want a set? Everybody's got them.

Look, if you do this,

it kinda like makes a movie.

D... don't you have any work to do?

Who would do such a thing?

What kind of twisted, oversexed pervert?

Hmm, I... I wouldn't know.

Maybe the kind who wears this watch!

Shh!

Slut!

Toby. How could you, Martin?

On an office product, no less!

Toby, shut up!

And we don't even own it. It's leased!

Who is she, Martin?

Is it the one in the typing pool?

With the big sweater?

No! I know she's someone in the office.

It is not someone from this office! You're lying!

If I'm lying, may my Aunt Edna drop dead!

I'm gonna find her, Martin.

And if it means I have to work late,

well, you'll just pay the overtime.

Martin! Have you seen these?

It's hysterical. Check it out.

Is she double-jointed or what? And when you flip 'em,

it's like watching a movie or something, it's just...

Carter, you slay me!

Here, take one. Everybody's got one.

I reckon by now they've heard your name 50, 60 miles in every direction.

Scotty! Scotty, come here!

People know!

You want a plum?

No, I don't want a plum!

Look, there's even a commemorative photo album!

I've seen it.

It's kind of cute, don't you think?

Did you notice that if you flip them...

Valerie, th... this has gotten way out of hand.

You sure you don't want a plum? It's from New Zealand.

Martin, we are fine.

Guess what I have decided to do.

What? Fax copies to your friends?

No.

Nominate you for the Hubner Award.

Oh, my God.

The Hubner Award?

A responsible person

doesn't take things he hasn't earned.

Thank you.

I was thinking we'd do some more chapters tonight.

We still have to figure out

how that priest loses his leg.

Uh, I sort of made plans for this evening.

Sort of cancel them.

If you're trying to get out of this now,

then it's time to do something more than just talk.

When for the first time you have to give

instead of only taking.

Then go on. Walk out the door.

Only, don't come back.

Five o'clock okay for you?

Mm-hmm.

And that's when things

really begin to change for our Mr. Tupper.

Morning, Toby.

Morning, Mr. Tupper.

Didn't you ever dream that you'd be something when you grew up?

Excuse me.

Meanwhile, I continue my investigation.

Thursday, 11:35 am.

The lineup.

Friday, 1:15 p.m.

Subject's son comes to visit.

Strange behavior is noted.

So, uh, what exactly does an editor do?

Anybody know? Just tell them, Dad.

Oh, okay.

Well, uh, an editor works with agents,

and we acquire properties.

And we work with writers on their books.

Most of all...

We, uh... we have lunch!

Who wants hot dogs? You coming, Toby?

Monday, 4:38 p.m.

Elevator troubles put a crimp in my investigations.

This damn thing never works.

I'm gonna take the stairs.

Come on!

Are we ever gonna do this in a bed?

Oh, Martin, doesn't this excite you?

Just the idea that at any moment we might be discovered.

I'm not excited, I'm annoyed.

And that bell doesn't bother you at all?

Martin!

Chapter 26?

Keep it right before 27. My thoughts exactly.

Wow!

I pulled a few strings.

I don't know what to say.

Well, don't say anything. Just take off your pants.

I have to be downtown in a meeting in 15 minutes.

What are you waiting for?

Uh...

What you will yourself to do,

you can will not to do.

You know, actually,

I have an appointment too.

With whom?

Uh, my ear, nose and throat guy.

Oh, what's wrong? Gee, I'm not sure.

It could be my ear, it could be my nose, it could even be my throat.

That's... that's why I have to see the guy. But, uh, this is great. Thanks.

I... I really appreciate it. And watch out for that downtown traffic.

Okay? Bye.

Hey, Vernon. Hey, Marty. How are you?

How you doing? Great.

Hey, I gotta tell you, Cindy here's got much better legs than you do.

It's so nice to be appreciated.

Martin, congratulations on the cover.

Thanks.

You earned it.

Horizontally.

I'm not a bad boy!

I'm not a bad boy!

Friday, 11:47 am.

I have narrowed the field down to two suspects.

Janine from marketing

who looks like she was in a bad henna accident,

and Ronda, the tramp receptionist

with the trick hip.

My investigation is on hold

while I attend to some clerical duties.

No, no. No. Come on.

Come on. Valerie, please. Please, not here.

Not in front of the folders.

Martin, what is the matter?

You don't seem to be having much time for me lately.

I'm sorry, it's just that there's all this new work,

you know, and I never know when you're gonna strike next.

If you're complaining,

I could arrange for you to have a lot less work.

What?

Or if you'd rather,

there are plenty of algebra books

that need editing.

A handshake will be binding.

Now what is it you want?

Kiss me. Your soul.

Come on. Kiss me.

Hey, uh, somebody's watching.

What is it?

No, it's nothing. It's nothing.

It's just... it's just an envelope.

Excuse me.

I'm going to lunch.

We don't want that woman here when I get back.

Fire her.

No, no. No. No. Valerie.

Please, I... I can't do that.

Oh, I think you can.

Martin, maybe it's time

that you reevaluate your priorities.

Things are moving, Martin.

I see tremendous possibilities for you.

But I need to know that you're on my team.

I can't bring myself to bite and claw and kick the way you have to if you want success.

That's one price I won't pay.

Okay.

Sit down.

Toby...

You're fired! that's the worst place you could've been.

Oh, I don't know. I think I had pretty good seats.

Valerie Knox. I'm very impressed.

We have to talk.

You're telling me.

Shall we discuss my list of demands?

Toby...

You're fired!

Get out of here!

This is very hard for me.

Well, it's about to get harder.

Longer lunch hours.

More sick days, say, 20.

Extra coffee breaks.

Number to be negotiated later.

And, uh, three weeks paid vacation.

What do you say?

You're fired.

The negotiations take an unexpected turn.

I'm sorry, but I've...

I've recently had to reevaluate my priorities.

It seems like you've been reevaluating

all over the building.

It's her, isn't it?

I... I really am sorry.

I see.

Okay.

Wait a minute. What do you mean "Okay"?

I mean, okay.

Martin, I'm a good secretary. I'll get another job.

But you, you've got a career.

Things are really happening for you.

So, if you gotta piss on a few people

to make your garden grow...

Don't you knock?

Let's just get a few things straight here!

There comes a time when a man must stop being afraid!

I'm not firing Toby.

I didn't think you would.

She's too important to me. Fine.

And if you wanna fire me, that's okay, because I don't care!

You're not fired.

Y... you're goddamn right I'm not fired!

Because I'm good at what I do! I deserve the breaks I've gotten!

That's true.

And as for you and me, it's over.

I'm sorry, but it's over.

I know.

You know?

I saw it coming.

Cindy. Martin.

Hello, there. Welcome to the party.

Oh.

I see you two are working.

Well, I'll be going.

Have a nice meeting.

Chapter 13.

Now, let's focus on character.

Toby, I need the status of the Albrecht galleys,

a cup of coffee, and could you, uh, unpack this please?

No problem.

Thanks.

Uh, welcome back.

We'll discuss my raise later.

Things happen pretty quick around here.

Excuse me.

Well, you can't win them all.

Marty.

Vernon?

So, I hear we're gonna be working together again.

Are we?

Uh, I guess we are.

What are you all standing around like idiots for?

Get back to work!

Now, about my new book,

Lick Me, Lucy.

The story you have just seen is true.

The names were kept the same

so you'd know exactly who the sleazeballs were.