Original subtitles

Tonight our story comes from the Bible.

A story that men have read and found comforting

and told to their children since the beginnings of our civilization.

And so long as men are stirred

by acts of simple courage and faith in God,

this story will endure.

We'll be back with the weather right after this.

Wall Street witches.

When E. F. Hutton talks, is the Antichrist listening?

Find out today on The Eddie Charles Show.

Morning, Toby.

I'm leaving early today. Okay.

How early?

In about six minutes. Oh.

That girl in my office has gotta go.

Well, thanks for stopping by.

Hey, there's gonna be a long line.

I wanna get there first.

Please, please, we've only got six minutes.

Don't make me guess. Death Walks by Night,

Death Pays the Check,

Death Rinses Out a Few Things.

Dame Margo Woodhouse, huh? She's my favorite.

She's gonna be at Doubleday today,

and I'm gonna get her to sign something personal

in every last one of 'em. Terrific.

Uh, well, with our last four minutes,

is there anything I need to know?

Jeremy called to say he can't sleep over Friday night.

He's going to a Mets game with Richard.

No, no, don't tell me.

Richard's pitching. No.

They're just gonna watch the game.

After he sings the national anthem.

He's not.

He is.

I could kill him!

There are only three minutes left.

Okay if I leave early?

So, how about you, Sheila?

We've got 20 seconds. Which is it?

Well, I really don't see this

as an either/or proposition.

I'm a sorceress and I'm a commodities broker.

Hey, who's the filly? She looks like class.

I'm just like any other broker

except I take Halloweens off.

Well, you heard it here.

They've traded in their broomsticks for BMW's.

Wall Street witches.

I'm Eddie Charles. Take care, everybody.

Martin!

Eddie, you okay?

Ah, it's my damn back again.

I should really be home in bed.

I think that's where all this started.

Actually, no.

It was the wet bar.

But it looks like I'm gonna have to have a little operation.

Eddie, is there anything I can do?

I mean, can I wheel you somewhere?

Thanks. I'm fine.

Excuse me, Eddie,

I just wanted to thank you.

I had a wonderful time on your show.

Terrific.

Now see if you can conjure up some ratings.

Sheila,

I want you to meet my good friend, Martin.

How do you do?

Zongola-hon go la!

You have an incredible aura.

What, this old thing?

Sorry about dinner tonight, pal.

Nah, nah, don't worry about it.

You just take care of yourself.

Somebody?

Ta! See you, Eddie.

You're a Capricorn. Aries.

You work with numbers. Books.

You're very hungry.

Starving.

Dinner was delicious. Yeah.

I'm kinda surprised you eat garlic.

I'm not a vampire. I'm a pagan.

Ah. Oh.

Well, I'm... I'm sure your family's relieved.

Martin...

do you even know what a pagan is?

Well, sure.

Sure, but I'd... I'd love to hear it in your own words.

We marshal the forces of good on the planet.

Sort of like the... The Camp Fire Girls.

Exactly.

I've been wearing this crystal for seven years.

It has incredible energy.

Wanna feel it?

Go ahead.

Touch it.

Feel its power.

Uh...

Now, Martin,

make a wish.

A wish? Go ahead.

Let go of yourself.

Make a wish.

Come on, boy. Remember everything I said.

You and I are gonna bring this in.

We're coming down now, nice and easy.

Don't talk! Just hang on to that stick.

Hang on. Hold it and pull it...

Pull it all the way towards you.

You can let go of the wheel now.

How do you feel?

The pain of my headache is suddenly gone.

Martin, can I ask you a personal question?

Do you believe in the existence of a higher power?

I do now.

No, really.

Look, Sheila...

I'm sorry, I'm not real big on this "higher power" stuff.

You know? I mean, maybe if there was some proof, but...

we'd have to be talking about some serious evidence here.

Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,

as when you find a trout in the milk.

Martin, you want proof?

Touch my crystal.

Already? I'm... I'm pretty tired.

This crystal has the power to grant wishes, Martin.

I got my job with this crystal.

I got a rent-controlled apartment with this crystal.

I got you with this crystal.

Sheila, you could've gotten me with a bone.

Go ahead.

Make three wishes.

You don't think I take seriously

the abracadabra of an ignorant savage?

Three wishes, huh?

Anything your heart desires.

Go.

Three wishes. Mm.

Okay. Um.

I... I wish I'd win the lottery.

Very original. Come on. Another one.

Okay. Um, I, uh...

I wish I could find my 1966 Sandy Koufax baseball card.

Ooh, Sandy Koufax.

Excellent. Very spiritual, Martin.

Thank you.

Okay. Go ahead. One more.

Make it a good one.

Okay.

Um.

I could kill him!

I wish my ex-wife's fianc

Just once, you know,

in a big, big, big way.

It is done.

I knew it.

We've been tricked, swindled and sharked,

cheated, cozened and juggled,

faked, foxed, four-flushed and flimflammed.

Guess who got 27 personal inscriptions

from Dame Margo Woodhouse?

Congratulations.

Wait.

Guess who had lunch with Dame Margo Woodhouse?

You're kidding me? Papaya King.

She loved it.

Oh, my God.

Now guess whose new best friend

is very unhappy with her publisher?

No.

No, come on. She's been with Schloff and Kovitch for years.

She's shopping around.

And guess who's got a meeting with her

tomorrow at 9:00 a.m.?

Great Scott!

Toby, I love you! Wait a minute.

Before you start slobbering all over me,

guess who wants her Christmas bonus now?

You got it.

God. Dame Margo Woodhouse, huh?

Oh. I almost forgot. This is for you.

What is it? You were right.

Hillary Fleckman's kid was nine pounds, six ounces,

born at 6:32 this morning.

Toby, there's money in here. That's right, genius.

The office pool, remember? You won the 57 bucks.

I won?

I won.

Aw.

I can't believe this, you know?

It was right here this morning and now it's...

Don't tell me. Let me guess.

It's gone.

Amazing how that happens.

Okay.

There you go. Great.

When can I expect to get my set back?

Oh, very soon, Mr. Tupper.

We'll set up roadblocks

and close the airports right away.

Ha-ha. Comedian. Very funny.

Do what you can.

That must be worth a mint. What?

What?

A '66 Sandy Koufax.

My kid's been savin' for one of these for two years.

In good shape too. You trade?

My Sandy Koufax.

Oh, my God.

Hey, buddy.

Ooh.

How are you doing? Fine.

I'm really fine.

I am so fucked up.

That's great.

You okay?

They gave me some pills.

Three pills, this big.

I hope they gave you some water.

Hey, you're not gonna believe this, man.

Sheila is a witch.

Is she a good witch, or is she a bad witch?

No, no, no. I'm serious. She gave me three wishes.

So far two of them have come true.

I don't know about you, pal,

but if Sheila gave me three wishes,

I'd still be at her place

doing wish number one.

Ah, no, no. First, I won a lottery.

Second, I found my Sandy Koufax baseball card.

You don't believe this shit, do you?

Well, of course I do.

Too many things have happened

to pass it off as coincidence.

Well, no, but, I mean,

you know, it's... it's pretty amazing.

Okay, okay. So...

what was wish number three?

You know how Richard is always so goddamn perfect?

So, how are we doing, Mr. Charles?

Our next guest is a nurse with a needle.

Yes, now, I want you to try to get some sleep.

You've got a big morning tomorrow.

And don't you worry about a thing.

Dr. Stone is one of the finest surgeons in the country.

You're in very good hands.

I... I don't suppose you're talking about Dr. Phyllis Stone?

No. Dr. Richard Stone.

Oh!

Oh, my God. Oh, you know him.

He's wonderful, isn't he?

Richard Stone is... is...

is operating on Eddie? Yes.

And he has got a perfect track record in the operating room.

Good night.

Ah.

Eddie, Eddie!

I don't think you should have this operation.

Operation.

Eddie, Eddie, come on. Please, try to focus.

We'll be back right after this message.

No, no, no. No, no, Eddie.

Eddie! Eddie!

His life is in your hands.

Excuse me.

Sheila!

Lenny, you son of a bitch!

Do you know where Sheila is? No.

Do you find me attractive? Uh, sure.

I don't have fish lips, do I?

Uh, no. No. Your lips are very un-fish like.

I...

And I'm not a lousy kisser, am I? No.

Someday you're gonna do that to somebody that ain't a gentleman,

and he's gonna blow that pretty head of yours

right off of your neck.

Do you know where Sheila is?

Fuck Sheila. She's got great lips.

Do you know where I can find them?

I think she's at that voodoo place.

Voodoo place? Round the corner.

Fuck men.

Thank you!

Frieda, have you seen my bag of bats' tongues?

What? My bats' tongues.

Have you seen them?

I think I sold them.

You sold my bats' tongues?

Someone came in and asked for bat tongues.

How was I supposed to know?

Those were mail-order tongues.

I waited six weeks for those.

So sue me.

Hello.

We're closed. Look, this will only take a minute.

I'm looking for Sheila Nichols. She's not here. Good night.

It... it's kind of an emergency. Are you a friend of Sheila's?

Such a lovely girl.

Look, she cast some sort of a spell.

You hear that, Max?

Sheila's casting spells now.

How time flies. Get your coat.

Do you know where she is? No, but maybe we can help.

She had me make these three wishes, okay?

And then there was this crystal.

And the first two wishes came true, and the third wish...

May hurt someone very close to you.

Oh, yes.

Lucky guess. And I've only got...

Oh, God, eight hours to stop it.

Lemme ask you something.

Are you a believer?

Well, I guess that's the $64 question, all right.

Not personally, no. Well, then forget about it.

Come on, Frieda. Let's get the snake and go.

Okay.

Then let him die. No! Wait, wait, wait!

I may not be a believer, but I am a worrier.

And I... I just can't take the chance.

All right, all right.

But we'll need a few things.

Of course, if we had a few bats' tongues,

this would be a piece of cake.

What, what? Tell me. What do you need?

Well, some candles.

Well, we have those. We'll make you a price.

And we need a picture of the friend in peril.

I can get that. And a lock of his hair.

Will that be a problem?

Just be careful.

Hello.

Martin.

Shh.

Go back to sleep.

What are you doing here?

Nothing.

It's a dream.

I'm not here.

And I'm not doing anything to your hair.

Doesn't feel like a dream.

They never do.

Goodbye, Eddie.

Goodbye.

Don't worry, Eddie. We'll make it.

Max! Frieda!

Over here.

Here. I got everything.

Ah, come on. We haven't a moment to lose. Okay.

Munghara.

Munghara.

Munghara.

Munghara.

Munghara.

Munghara.

Well? Anything?

It's too soon to tell.

Here. Hold this.

In your mouth!

Munghara.

Munghara.

Munghara.

Water heat and water boil.

Make the mill of magic toil.

Work the will for which we pray,

"Io dia, ha-he-yay."

What was that last part?

"Io dia, ha-he-yay."

The incantation of the undead.

From where? From always.

Frieda, we'll do this later.

We're running low on hair.

Look, you guys, I can't tell you how much I appreciate your help,

but Eddie goes into surgery

in two minutes.

Frieda, open up the store.

Has any of this worked?

Ask Mr. "Io dia, ha-he-yay."

To be honest, Martin, it's hard to tell.

Unless we know exactly which spell she cast,

we're just pissing in the wind here.

Oh, my God!

Max, Frieda, thank you.

Sheila!

Sheila!

Sheila!

Oh, God. No! No! No! Not yet.

You all right?

And where does a man go for courage

if he hasn't got any?

To his God, if he's got one.

Okay. All right.

I don't know who you are, and I don't know where you are.

I don't even know if you believe in this crystal thing.

And if you don't, then neither do I,

because this doesn't even belong to me.

I know I haven't called or written in a long time, but...

what can I tell you?

You know, it's been a hectic 36 years.

I just have the one little favor to ask,

okay, and it's about Eddie.

I know he's probably not on your A-list,

but he's very important to me.

So please, please just let him get through this operation,

and if you do, I'll...

I'll never steal another packet of Sweet'N Low.

And I... I'll give to Jerry's Kids

and not just on Labor Day, okay?

And I... I'll... I'll never, ever, ever

be jealous of Richard again.

How... Shh.

How'd the operation go?

Oh, flawless.

He came through like a real trouper.

And there's no... no problems or...

With Dr. Stone operating? Mm-mm.

Is... is he still here? I'd... I'd like to thank him.

No, he left early.

He's singing the national anthem at Shea Stadium tonight.

Yeah. I've heard.

Isn't he incredible?

He certainly is.

Yes, Your "Dameness."

One more refill coming up.

Is she still here? Did she leave?

She's on her third cup of tea.

The woman is starting to bloat.

Don't worry, Toby. I'm gonna land this one.

Sure, and my dog is gonna sing

on the stage of the Metropolitan Opera.

You know what your problem is, Toby?

You have no faith.

Hello. So nice of you to come.

How little we know.

"Munghara"?

And now, Dr. Richard Stone

will sing our national anthem.

Can we start again?