Original subtitles

Unbelievable.

Did you read this?

They beat up this poor woman,

then they hacked up her veterinarian husband,

then they hacked up his 78-year-old mother,

and then they took their four miniature poodles

and hacked them up all over the place.

Can you believe that?

How could anybody kill a dog?

Well, I couldn't.

Imagine just coming home one day, right?

And finding a little bit of poodle here,

a little bit of poodle there.

Ooh. How the hell did they clean up that mess?

I... I wouldn't have a clue.

Could you help me? Oh, sure.

How can I help you? I need to go away.

I haven't been on a real vacation in, like, I don't know, maybe four years.

Where'd you go? Well, it was... it was with my wife.

Someplace up in the Poconos.

God, we couldn't wait to get out of there.

Well, let me ask you a question. Shoot.

What exactly do you want to get out of this vacation?

Kiss me.

Just want to get away.

How soon? The sooner the better.

Got it.

This is for you and your wife, right?

No, no, we're... we're divorced right now.

I'll just be... be going by myself.

Hey, there's nothing wrong with that.

I know plenty of guys who go on vacation alone.

Let's see what we got here.

Ooh. How about Thailand?

You got Bangkok, you got your Buddhas,

you got your sex palaces.

You can't touch the water, but the food is great.

Two weeks will run you about $5,000.

Or I can get you the south of France.

It's a little expensive, but nobody there has a tan line,

if you know what I mean.

And that'll run you about $4,000 with airfare.

Uh, look, uh...

Nicki. With an I.

Nicki, uh,

I wasn't really looking to spend all that much money.

Say no more.

I was just shooting for the stars.

Look, um...

Martin. With an N.

Martin.

How about if we just stick to something you can afford?

Okay. How about if we do, like, the outdoor scene?

You know, back to nature.

How about if we do something exotic?

You know...

I don't really need very much.

Just some sun, some food,

maybe a small waiting pond or something.

Have you ever been to Bermuda?

It's beautiful, it's cheap,

and you're just in time for the Conch Festival.

I'll take it.

Took you long enough.

Where'd you decide to go? Bermuda.

Oh, my cousin, Mona, went there. God rest her soul.

Stay away from the clams.

What?

Nothing.

You got a visitor.

Hiya, Sid. What's up?

You believe this, Marty?

What kind of a world are we living in?

This poor woman was beaten.

I know. It's incredible.

Her entire household,

pets and all, just murdered.

It's a tragedy.

It's a gold mine.

What?

What we're looking at here is a bestseller.

What a story, huh?

Grieving widow.

The poodles. I love the poodles.

Sid, you never cease to disgust me.

Yeah, huh? Okay?

Here's the widow's number.

Name is, uh, Lyla Murphy.

We give her a nice call. Wait, wait, wait a minute.

We?

All right, let me rephrase that. You.

What happened to Francis? He's the one who does this kind of stuff.

You know, it's not me. Not anymore.

The guy had a nervous breakdown.

What? Couldn't stand the pressure. Never could.

His wife came home, sees him standing on the bed,

nailing his socks to the wall.

Jesus, Sid. Yeah.

They got him up in some bin in Rochester.

I'm sorry, one doesn't do one's most inspired work in an asylum.

Can't believe it. I feel terrible.

You should have seen his wife.

Having to take down all those socks.

I mean, that's... that's all in the past.

What's important, Marty,

is that you nail this book deal.

No, no, no, no, no.

Forget it, Sid. I'm going to Bermuda on Friday.

And I'm not gonna cancel.

Okay, Marty.

You want to go?

Fine. Thank you.

But I can't promise you

that your desk will be waiting for you when you get back.

Now, look, Sid. What?

Get used to the idea, I'm not gonna be running my head off anymore.

Every once in a while, a man has to take inventory of himself

to see what he's really running about.

You don't even know it.

But there are other things in life than just selling goods.

Okay, Sid.

Look, Marty, it's no big deal.

You schmooze a little, you take her to dinner,

you get her to sign,

and then you're free to go anywhere you want, capiche?

Sid, the woman's probably out of her mind with grief.

Bingo.

That's the perfect time to talk to her.

Do it.

You know, if I were you,

I'd walk into Sid's office right now and say,

"Sid, you're bald, you're fat,

and you're about as charming as a hair plug."

I can't do that.

And you know why?

Because you haven't got the guts.

See if you can get her on the phone, will you?

Oh, I get to talk to the poodle widow.

Come on, Toby, please.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Mr. Tupper. I'm Lyla Murphy.

Hello. Please.

Thank you.

I really appreciate you seeing me like this.

I hope you like French food. Ah.

You're staring at my dress.

No, I'm not. Yes, you were.

You're wondering why I'm not wearing black.

Well, you're wearing some black.

I mean, your necklace is black and...

your wristwatch is black, I mean, the face is white,

but the numbers, they're... they're black.

Bennett never liked me in black.

So, you think I should write a book

about what happened to me?

Well, it's a very compelling story.

To tell you the truth, I'm kind of surprised

that no one else has approached you yet.

I guess that's why I agreed to meet you.

My husband always admired a man with balls.

Actually, he admired anything

that still had balls.

He was a veterinarian, you know.

Here you are.

I miss him very much.

Must be very hard for you.

I mean, you know, since your husband was...

Butchered.

I didn't mean it that way.

Oh, it's quite all right, Mr. Tupper.

It's been in all the papers.

Bennett,

my mother-in-law

and the dogs.

You know, I had a dog who died once.

I mean, he didn't die once. He's still dead.

He was killed by a car.

It was pretty horrible.

That's not to say that your dogs weren't killed better.

I... I mean, in a... in a more horrible way.

You... you know what I mean.

Mr. Tupper.

Look, Mrs. Murphy, I... I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm just not used to doing this sort of thing.

And please, please believe me,

I... I don't want to exploit your tragedy.

Mr. Tupper, it's not that I'm unwilling to discuss it,

it's just that these last three days

I have spent in police stations and hospitals

and the coroners.

This is my first night out.

Would it be all right if,

for tonight...

we just have dinner?

Okay. Sure.

Mr. Tupper, please.

Who shall I say is calling? Jackie O?

Tell him it's Mrs. Bennett Murphy.

Martin, there's someone here to see you.

It's...

You can go in.

Mrs. Murphy.

Please, call me Lyla.

Okay, Lyla.

Would you like a cup of coffee? Thank you.

Uh, Toby, would you mind getting Mrs. Murphy a cup of coffee?

Thank you.

How are you today? Better, I guess.

I just wish everybody would leave me alone.

Here you go, Mrs. Murphy. Thank you.

That's nice of you to bring the coffee in, Howie.

Who's running the Xerox machine?

It's uh... self-feeding.

It was nice, uh, meeting you, Mrs. Murphy.

Sorry about that.

Where were we?

Excuse me, Martin. Yes, Zita?

I... I was wondering if, um,

maybe I could borrow some manila folders?

You're welcome, Zita.

I'm really sorry about all this.

Look, I've been thinking about our meeting last night

and what you said,

and I've decided

that I really do need my privacy.

So, if you don't mind, Martin...

I've decided not to do the book.

Are you sure this is what you want?

Mm-hmm.

I understand.

You've gone through so much,

you shouldn't have to talk to me

or anybody else, you know?

There are some people who go through something like this,

and they have to share it with the world.

You know, and there are other people who have to just...

just work through it themselves.

And I... I guess you're just one of those people.

Oh, I don't know.

Well, sure you do.

No. Maybe you're right.

Maybe I need to get it out.

But what? What about your privacy?

Oh, you are so sweet.

You're always thinking of me.

Pardon me.

I'll be back. No, no, that's all right.

It's so difficult to talk about this here.

Martin, why don't we talk about the book tonight

at your place?

My place?

I would say my place,

but there's always reporters around.

And... and as I said, it's...

so hard to get any privacy these days.

Thank you.

Goddamn, Martin. You're good.

Sid, I'm having a real problem here.

Tell me, what's wrong with my favorite boy?

What the fuck is wrong now?

Well, you saw with the hand,

and she wants to come to my apartment.

That's your big problem? Let me tell you something.

Whatever you have to do

to close this book deal, you do it, capiche?

Now, look, Sid. What?

You haven't got the guts.

Forget it. Let me tell you something.

You get a signature,

and you are looking at a, uh...

three week vacation.

My treat.

Huh?

Ah, shut up.

I decided to wear black.

Ooh, this is a wonderful place you have here.

It's very warm.

Well, I... I could turn down the heat if you like.

I meant it's cozy.

Thank you.

Oh, it's quite a library you have here.

Oh, well, I... I love to read.

I like to read in bed.

Dip?

So, what did you do today?

Well...

I was chopping chives.

What for? The cheese dip.

I was making cheese dip for the night.

I was reviewing the contract for your book, actually.

Martin, do you want to know what I did today?

I thought about you, and I thought about this book.

And I've decided to...

Hello?

So, did you sign it yet?

No, no.

Did you shtup her yet?

No, goddammit.

I already have that subscription.

Martin, come here.

I think we ought to do it.

Martin, my story needs to be told.

I want to do the book.

That's terrific.

Lyla, I'm so glad you made this decision.

And I promise you, if I have to watch every word go to print,

I'm gonna make sure that your story is told tastefully and honestly

and, you know.

I'm sure you will.

That's the door.

Hi, Dad. Hi, buddy.

Wha... what are you doing here? Is today Thursday?

Mm-hmm. Wha... what happened to Wednesday?

The rest of us did it yesterday.

Martin?

Is there a problem?

Uh, Lyla, this is my son, Jeremy.

Hi. Hi.

Well, it seems I must be going.

Uh, we will certainly keep in touch, Martin,

and it was nice meeting you, Jeremy.

I did it.

It's all over. Already?

Oh, that's wonderful.

How's the little mother feeling?

She had three?

Oh, doctor.

What do you mean they're not poodles?

Dad! Dad, wake up! You gotta see this.

It's the lady last night, Dad. She's a murderer.

Lyla did it, Police nab wife in poodle...

Jesus Christ!

I touched her, Dad.

I shook hands with a murderer.

Can't wait to tell Mom.

Is it okay if I call Joey,

and tell him she was over here last night,

and she didn't try to kill you?

I can't believe this. She lied to me.

She... she killed all those people.

She ate my dip.

Hello? Jeremy, it's your Uncle Eddie.

Is your dad there? You mean the next victim?

Hold on. It's Uncle Eddie.

Eddie, thank God it's you.

Calm down. Are you okay?

She was here. I was sitting right next to her.

She hacks her husband to death, and I'm sitting right next to her.

Listen, I want to get her on the show,

and I want to know if it's okay if I use your name.

Are you out of your mind? She's a murderer!

No, Martin, she's more than a murderer. She killed her pets, too.

Every show in town is gonna want this lady. You're my in.

I... I can't believe you.

You want to make this woman into some kind of goddamn folk hero?

No, I don't want to. It's my job.

Eddie, she touched my son.

Great! I think I can get him on too.

Dad, Dad.

Do you think we could get her to come to my school

for career day?

You've got a visitor.

Hi, Sid. Tell me she signed, Marty.

Tell me you got her. Sid.

Because if you didn't get her, Marty,

after this, I don't think we can afford her.

I didn't get the contract, Sid.

What? I'm sorry.

I did what you told me, I came on to her,

but I... I pissed her off.

So, so, so,

you piss her back on again.

Come on, Marty, she liked you.

You were so close. So close.

You do this for me,

and we're not talking about fucking vacation.

We're talking a bigger office

with windows, huh?

I already have a window, Sid. More windows.

You do this for me, you could name your own price.

I'm sorry, Sid, we lost her.

Lyla Murphy on two.

Put her on the speaker.

Martin, it's Lyla.

Lyla, could you call back later, please?

Well, no, they only allow me one phone call.

I guess you read the papers. Yes, I did.

Well, I hope this doesn't change anything.

I mean, I've been getting a lot of offers,

but I really like you,

so I hope our contract is still good.

Look, Lyla, uh, I gotta go.

I'll talk to you soon, say in ten to 20.

I want it! You can't have it, Sid.

Sid, don't do that. Sid, that's my desk.

Sid, stop it! Sid.

It's not in there.

Oh, this is nice.

Give me that. I can't.

I'm not gonna help you turn a killer into a celebrity.

I've done a lot of shit for you, Sid, but I'm not gonna do this.

Oh, God!

Martin. Martin.

Don't, don't, don't! Don't, please! Please!

You haven't got the guts.

Tupper, you're fucking fired!

I want you out of this office by five o'clock.

And you have yourself a nice fucking vacation.

You were great.

What did I just do?

What the hell was that?

Sid Newman just dropped dead of a heart attack.

Jesus Christ.

You are the luckiest son of a bitch I know.

That was a beautiful service.

This place isn't gonna be the same without him.

He was like a grandfather to me.

Yeah. I hope they lock the casket.

You got a plane to catch.

Martin, you were the last one to see him.

Did he have any final words?

Not really.

He just... wished me a nice vacation.

Well.

I'll see you all in a couple of weeks.

Well, bon voyage.