Original subtitles

I asked Laura to stay a day or two.

I've got so many house guests coming this weekend, I'm going to need the

help.

Well, I'm afraid that's partially my fault.

I think Blair misunderstood when I invited her for racquetball.

She decided to make an entire weekend out of it.

Rick, I've got news for you.

Your little law clerk friend Blair has got a mighty big crush on you.

And that is the only reason she's coming down this weekend.

Yeah. Well, according to that theory, your stepsister must have a really,

big crush on me because she seems to come over just about every weekend.

Uh -huh.

Look, Rick, it is not you that Dee is in love with. It's the ocean.

She's always wanted to live at Cape Lust.

And to top everything else off, your cousin Martin, he called. He's coming

weekend, too.

I don't remember having a cousin Martin.

Any last name or anything like that?

Nope. He just said you guys go way back.

Well, since we are going to be completely overrun with all these

relatives, may I suggest that we take advantage, full advantage, of what

time we have remaining?

Oh, you do, do you? What did you have in mind?

This.

My exact sentiment.

Don't expect me to read my magazine if you keep doing this. I'm afraid you're

going to have to catch up on next week's news.

Next week?

Well, maybe I won't take a whole week.

Just a couple days.

Rick, you know, Blair is...

Right next door in the guest room. That's right behind that wall right

you better be quiet, okay?

Fuck Blair.

I am sure she would love for you to fuck her.

I'm busy.

Silly disclaimer.

All playing the fish routine, are you?

What do you mean, fish? I thought you were going to be the silly, stupid,

panting plaything.

Aren't you going to get to do that one?

Okay.

From past experience, you're a very good panting person.

Should I just be the language sex kitten?

That's not a bad role, too. You do that one fairly well.

Yeah, why don't you go? Hold on.

You've got plenty of places to confide in my community.

Did I tell you to talk about this to me?

I've had you cross my mind. I've crossed.

It's been very long.

You know how it works.

Awesome.

Oh, my

God.

Thank you.

Yeah, but I want to see the job.

Hello. Hello. Hello.

How long have you had him now?

Alright,

it's just this one.

Grrr.

Thank you.

Oh, no.

Get out of here!

Such a mess.

Such a mess.

Did you bring a towel, honey?

Towel? It's women's work.

Then lick it off.

Maybe I'll get a towel.

Sounds to me like this fella needs to be taken care of, Rick.

Just give me the word and I'll call a few of my boys and pay him a visit and

bust him up a little.

He is the prosecuting attorney, Joe Don.

Just because he won a case against me does not mean that I want to see him

beaten up.

Well, how about if I just scare him a little? Drag him out to my trunk?

Drive him out to the swamp?

Leave him there stark naked.

Here's your check for undercover services.

And I'm going to have to hand it to you.

Yeah, I could not have managed to solve this case unless you'd gotten those

photographs of my client's wife sucking off the entire college football team.

But you've got to admit, the woman has talent.

What is it?

Honey, I hate to interrupt your meeting with Mr. Riker, but I just wanted to

inform you that your cousin Martin has arrived.

Really?

Yeah.

Why don't I take a peek?

See if the fellow rings any bells.

Well, hello, counselor.

You look like you've just seen someone you planned it along.

Uh, I may have. Take a look.

Whoa, counselor.

You know, you never told me your last sister was so purdy.

You never mind her.

The fellow she's talking to, the one that claims to be family, he looks a

bit more like this client I once represented.

who killed an entire neighborhood.

Did you get him off?

No, he's not my type.

Didn't even keep him out of prison.

Well, I could have gotten him off on a technicality, but actually he was about

as guilty as Jimmy Swaggart is horny.

Remind me to never let you be my defense attorney.

But if you want to, I could go bust him up a little.

Oh. Oh, I couldn't ask you to do that, Joe Don.

What if it turns out he's not the killer?

What if it turns out he actually is my cousin Martin?

Then I'll apologize for busting his kneecaps and call him a cab.

No.

I'm going to have to be sure.

I could just see him with his pants down.

Whoa, now, Counselor.

You're not turning faggy on me now, are you?

It's not that.

You see, my client had a tattoo of a heart on his ass.

If it turns out he's got one, it means he's the killer.

Well, maybe I should stick around until you find out.

Well, Joe Don...

think he cared.

Hell no, counselor.

Just that I'm a little sweet on that housekeeper of yours. What's her name?

Laura?

He

will

show you where the guest room is, and if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go see

about lunch.

Cousin Rick sure picked himself a pretty wife.

His wife also has a mighty pretty sister.

You are pretty.

Don't you know that?

Well, yeah, I guess. I just wish I had half as much money as they do.

Lawyers do have a lot of money, but I wouldn't want to be a lawyer.

Why not?

I make too many enemies. I prefer making friends.

Do you like to make friends?

Well, I guess.

I'd like you to be my friend.

Can I put my arm around you?

Did that bother you?

No.

This new one we met, we were gonna be good friends, you know that?

You

happy?

Oh. Oh.

That was it.

Thank you.

No. No.

Hi!

Oh, God.

Wow. Wow.

Thank you.

Ah!

UGH!

You're my friend now?

Yes.

Laura,

did you, by chance, get to the grocery store today?

Yes, Mrs. Holmes.

Sit. My husband told me that Detective Riker is going to be joining us

for lunch.

So you sit six places instead of five, okay? Okay, no problem.

Very good. All right.

I'm going to make some tea. I'll be right back.

There's that for you, Laura.

Glad to see me. Oh, yes.

Guess what? What?

Mr. Holt thinks someone's trying to kill him again.

So I may be sticking around a while.

Oh, that's wonderful, Zodon.

So who does he think is trying to kill him now?

Not another former client.

Who else?

But the guy's been screwing so many people for so long, that kind of thing's

bound to catch up to him.

You don't think there's any real danger, do you?

Not with me around, baby.

But just stay away from that cousin Martin. He may be a homicidal maniac.

And I hate homicidal maniacs more than I hate rap musicians.

Well, I'll be sticking real close to you, Joe Bellum.

You know what can you do?

Bad habits never die.

No.

I hope no one comes in.

Sit down.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Look, mister, I think it's time you left this house.

Matter of fact, I think it's time you left Cape Lust altogether.

Not until I see my cousin Rick.

They have a lot of old times to discuss.

Good job.

Blair, what are you doing? What do you think I'm doing?

No. No, no, no, no, you can't. My wife, she could come in at any second. She's

not going to come in. She's downstairs taking care of lunch. This might be the

only time we can fool around.

And besides, you didn't bring me all the way out here just to play racquetball,

did you?

Actually, I did, yeah.

Why don't we just be friends? Yeah, friends.

That's the line that the girl's supposed to use.

Shut up and get ready to fuck, okay?

Follow me, Chris. You're doing good.

I don't want to do this. I don't want to

do

this.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh,

God.

You...

Oh!

You can tell me you didn't enjoy that.

But don't expect me to believe it.

And don't expect me to believe it either.

Jessica, this was not my idea. This woman, she forced me.

Rick, you have such a big imagination. You know that? You always think somebody

is trying to do something to you.

Funny that you should mention that. My cousin, Martin, he is not my cousin.

He's actually the mass murderer, Jack.

De Niro.

Rick, you are paranoid.

And the only person you have to watch out for is me. Because I am going to get

even.

God, Jessica, are you upset?

Yeah, I'm upset.

I thought the only thing that's going to make me feel any better is a good old

fashion revenge fuck.

Do you know anybody who can make it past that?

Yeah, there's Rick's cousin Martin. He's a lot of fun.

I heard my name mentioned.

A good life.

Yeah, that's much better.

And my cousin Richard, a generous fellow, gives me you and Alan's life.

I must thank him for that.

Thank him later.

My wife is hiring a lawyer.

You've got to sue me for everything I've got.

Phony baloney cousin, Martin.

Justin, kill me first.

Why would I do that?

What do you mean, phony baloney cousin?

I'm your cousin, Martin. We used to play together as kids.

No, but I saw this tattoo on your bed when you were in my wife in the bed

with... Huh?

Like you didn't kill her death in your head, huh?

What tattoo? That's not a tattoo. Your wife put it on with a pen when I was

fucking her. She says she does it to everyone she's fucked.

I was coming off. I was fucking her sweating so much.

Yeah, but... That means you are my cousin, Martin.

Now I remember!

Marty! Marty, you should have put me in a mug and kicked me in the shins and

steal my candy.

Marty! Yeah, that's right. You do remember. I remember you.

You should.

You're making me sick to my stomach. You're standing there naked after you

fucked my wife.

Just found something to bash that Martin skull in, huh?

I mean, he's not your cousin, right?

Um... Right.

We'll consider him hamburger.