Original subtitles

The story you're about to see is real.

The names have been changed to protect the sexually dysfunctional.

After all, that's what Madonna thinks we are.

I'm Dr. Linda Lovelace, author and special agent of the DTIA, the Deep

Intelligence Agency.

This is my story.

Enjoy it firsthand before it's made into a new book.

What an ordeal that would be.

But anyway, it began one year ago in this very office.

Oh, Miss Lovely.

What was that?

I can't understand you.

It's Dr.

Lovely. Oh, Mary, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't talk when I'm eating.

I can't believe I got into number one sex therapist in America. I loved your

last book.

It was an ordeal to read, especially the chapter on the Arab men.

being bisexual, unable to choose between camels or sheep.

Larry, stop talking and try and concentrate on your therapy.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Is it true you've got a clitoris in your throat?

Yes. I was born with two clitorises, actually.

One in my pussy and one in my throat.

Linda Linda lovely

I

Can't

believe I'm not I must be the luckiest guy in the world

I'm the luckiest guy in the world.

I just can't believe my life.

a surprise for you.

You have?

What is it?

Guilty.

Okay, what is it?

Are you ready?

I'm ready.

You sure you're ready?

Yeah, whatever you're gonna do.

Six, I think. Yeah.

You broke six.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Larry, how do you feel?

I feel better.

I took a little longer to come this time.

I held back better.

And how do you feel about that, Larry?

Well, I feel my self -esteem coming back. I feel like I'm becoming a man

What were you before, chopped liver?

Pay the receptionist on the way out. And I'll see you next week, okay, Larry?

Hmm.

Subject J shows improvement.

His therapy is really coming along.

But watch out for signs of danger.

Cross -reference under sheep or camel.

So, ma 'am.

Excuse me, Dr. Lovelace?

You must be the man that swallowed the Today sponge.

I'll be right with you, okay?

No, ma 'am. I'm not a patient.

I'm with the government.

Yes.

I see your ID checked out.

Look, I'm a legitimate sex therapist. I mean, I have a license and everything.

Oh, we know that, ma 'am. As a matter of fact, you have a little bit of sperm on

your nose.

And we down at the branch are big fans of yours.

The branch?

Yes, ma 'am, that's the secret arm of the agency.

The agency?

Yes, we handle all covert operations and anything too hot for the regular

channels.

Oh, you're the Fox Network.

No, ma 'am, not TV channels.

Jeez, you mean you're spies?

Um, we're specialists.

Then what do you want with me?

Linda.

And I feel I can call you Linda.

We have launched a new squad of top secret operatives.

And we'd like you to give head to the division.

I mean, sorry about that. We'd like you to head the division.

Me?

I don't know anything about espionage.

Dr. Lovelace, Linda, your country needs you.

Boy, I sure hope our new commander is a nice lady.

Yeah, I hope she's not a real cunt.

Chelsea, how's your throat feeling?

Is the third year okay?

Yeah, it's okay.

Right.

Okay.

Listen, girls, let's liven it up. Everybody line up. The boss is coming

Come on. Look alive. Come on.

What's wrong with you guys?

God.

Come on, girls.

Tuck in that stomach.

Stick out that chest.

Come on. Stick it out further.

That's it. That's what I like to see. Proper form.

Let me check out the back end here.

Come on, girls.

Tighten it up. Tighten it up.

Come on. Arch that back. Stick that butt out.

Proper form.

Looking pretty good.

Now, listen up.

Oh, I think the boss is coming right now.

These are our secret weapons. We call them our Deep Throat Squad.

Here, check them out.

Each girl is a top secret agent who has volunteered for this assignment.

They each have had part of their clitoris surgically transplanted to

throat, so they love to give head.

I can see why they call them the Deep Throat Squad.

Wow, that looks familiar.

Though surgery wasn't necessary for me. I was born that way.

Oh, very nice.

It will be sent to retrieve information from various people, especially those

stubborn foreign dignitaries.

Well, I guess it's there.

Hmm.

I'll check it out.

This is your new commander, girl.

Orders will be forthcoming.

Salute and dismiss.

What the fuck is that?

Don't worry. You'll get it.

Ah.

So these are the people that we're extracting information from.

Well, this is your president, Agent KY, to see you.

Send her in.

Agent Orange.

That's Agent KY, ma 'am.

You're very fortunate.

You're being given the very first assignment of the Deep Throat Squad.

I will live up to your confidence.

His name is General Norman Shortcock. We believe that he's leaking military

secrets to the other side.

However, that happens to be these days.

We need you to get into his bedroom and investigate his drawers.

Do you think you can handle that? I can handle anything inside his drawers.

Good. You're dismissed.

Fuck.

Okay.

Prime target is in view.

And I think if we just head around the right flank...

My heat -seeking missile ought to penetrate momentarily.

Right face.

Squat and eat.

Target is softening.

Vents are lowering.

I set a plan for an amphibious landing. Things are getting very rough.

Oh, yeah.

God, I love that finger in me. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. It's hurting me so much.

You're so wet I should have planned for an insidious landing.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Feel that.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah.

What's that?

oh yeah oh

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

I have to withdraw.

I have to regroup.

Thanks for stopping me.

Wow, my god, it's now down to the Pentagon and all its secret entrances.

This could be worth millions to the other side.

Wherever it is these days.

Jenny, what are you doing in my drawer?

Oh, nothing. I just love the smell of men's underwear.

Mmm, that's great.

That's kinky.

Ah,

there she is.

Good work, Agent KY.

You saved the Pentagon from certain infiltration.

Thank you.

I feel sorry for the General, though.

He was a sweet old coot.

Well, he can do all of his military planning from a cell block from now on.

You're dismissed.

Agent 34C? Agent 34C reporting for duty.

Military intelligence.

Thinks the embassy, if Darth is there, is hiding a secret transmitter.

Oh, the Ambassador Iliotza and I are old acquaintances.

Oh, tell me about it.

Well, we had a cocktail party once in the Rose Garden, and I was the only one

who spoke a native language.

In college, I used to be a linguist.

And the government hired you because you're cunning.

That's right, I'm a cunning linguist.

Well, good.

Because you must get into that embassy and find that transmitter.

And destroy it? No.

Idiota's army is waiting for a signal to attack one of our ships off the coast.

We want you to go in and put in a fake signal that the coast is clear and our

defenses are down.

But in reality, we're waiting for them.

I understand.

Right.

You're dismissed.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

No, no.

No.

No. What?

No sex?

No, no, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

You must speak English now because I've been in America far too long.

What about these lumps?

Those are the shifting sands of Kadatha.

The serpent is rearing its hungry head.

I can feel it rearing right now.

Your loins are as hot as the desert sun.

I always thought I had extra hot loins.

And your breath.

Oh, your breath.

It's like the tints of a mighty army standing proudly in the sand.

I always thought they were just boobs.

Are you enjoying this, or are you checking for breast cancer?

I'd love to.

Mr. Dawson, all the women are black -chested.

As a matter of fact, I told my ex -wife.

She'd put some clear cell on them and they'd be gone by morning.

Fascinating.

Listen, listen, listen.

Why don't you sit over there with your head towards the wall and I have a

surprise for you.

Over there?

Yeah, right there.

A surprise?

Yeah. Face the wall, though.

Oh. Okay.

Now don't look now.

No!

Oh, I just love surprises.

How do you want it?

Oh.

What's that?

Oh,

yeah.

Oh.

Coast

is clear.

Coast is clear.

Oh.

What are you doing?

Say what?

She's vulnerable and ready.

She's vulnerable and ready.

Oh, and that's a nut.

Full steam ahead. Let's go.

Say it again.

Tonight's tonight. Full steam ahead. Let's go. And again.

Tonight's tonight. Full steam ahead. Let's go.

Turn over.

Turning over.

Turning over.

That's it.

You really enjoyed living, huh?

There's a surgical reason for that.

But I can't tell you right now.

Surgical reason?

What do you mean surgical reason?

Were you a guy?

Oh, you.

Oh.

Thank you.

Wow.

Great work, Agent 34C.

The Siddharthic Navy bombed our ship at 0300 hours.

We were ready for them.

Thank them?

Not only that, but it gave us the excuse we needed to bomb their country back to

the Stone Age.

It'll be a few years before they can mount another military assault.

Well, don't thank me. Thank my mouth and my pussy.

You're dismissed.

Send in Agent Orange, please.

Sure.

Agent Orange, we're in need of your unique talents.

That's Special Agent K .Y. And this is the Swedish stewardess, huh?

Yes, she's acting as a courier for the Chinese.

She's sneaking microfilm out in her panties.

And these are the replacements, I take it? Yes, these panties are lined with

misinformation.

Now all you need to do is get her panties off her and make the switch.

Well, getting panties off stewardess is my specialty.

Great. You're dismissed.

Who are you?

What are you doing here?

I gotta go catch a plane in two hours. I can't do this.

Good. You have some time then.

Damn. Why not?

You're gonna run off so quickly, huh?

Yeah.

Not before having a really good time.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

oh oh

Oh, I like

that.

Let's pick

it up.

um um

um um

Thank you.

um um

Look at all you've come.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no.

Thank you for the good times.

I hope I didn't make you too amazed.

It's so pretty.

I hope I do not get in trouble.

I'll just stick this in my pocket. Yeah, you can hide it.

Well,

good luck.

Good girl.

Smell good? Oh, oh, I was just checking for traces of microfilm residue.

Listen, are you going to lunch now?

Yes, I need to get these to the director.

Listen, my boss needs to use your office for a field training session.

Yeah, sure, it's fine. I'll be back in an hour.

Hey guys.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, come on, knock it off, knock it off.

Jeez, listen, look at me, listen, listen up. Listen, things are kind of slow

right now, so why don't you guys take an hour off.

I'll walk you out.

Nice big happy family.

This place is deserted.

Yeah, just sit up.

Put your hands behind your back like you're captured by the enemy.

I thought your boss was supposed to be training me.

He's busy right now.

Now listen, first thing that our field officer needs to remember is that you

always need to maintain your cover at all times, no matter what.

Okay?

Now, we transplanted a part of your clitoris into your throat, and this

you highly charged, erotically and emotionally.

And you must learn to control this at all times, no matter what, even if

captured. I understand. Very good.

Now, listen.

No matter how excited you get,

you can't divulge any information.

I understand.

Oh, God.

You like that?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah? You really like that? Oh, yeah.

Who are the people up on the third floor?

I won't talk.

Then I'll stop.

Are you sure?

I still won't talk.

How's that feel?

Um, do you mind if I take notes while you eat?

No, there's going to be time for that later. Just pay attention, all right?

Okay.

You like that? Oh, yeah.

Go under.

Mm -mm. Please?

Mm -mm. Please?

Mm -mm. Please? You gotta tell me what's in that fog camera over there.

No, I won't talk.

Then I'll stop.

Fuck it, I'll talk. I'll tell you anything you want to know. This is very

dangerous in the field. You need to control this, okay?

Fuck the field. I'll control it later. Right now. I'm a horny bitch.

I shouldn't be doing this.

Damn. Uh,

yeah.

Real bad.

I want that real bad.

No bad You

know

we shouldn't even be doing this you know that right

Yeah

Yeah. I have a surprise for you. You do?

Mm -hmm.

What is it?

Ready for your surprise?

Uh, you know what? I heard you girls could do something.

What is it? Uh,

yeah, sure, if you want.

Oh, shit!

You're deep -throating.

God loves us.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah. Fuck me. That's right. Don't forget that.

We have to help him.

Wow. Senator was a pretty handsome man when he was younger.

Your assignment?

Senator Barnaby Handjob has a thing for fucking sweet young pages in his Senate

office. He's supposedly a happily married man.

You can understand why we want him out of office.

And please, get me pictures.

You're dismissed.

Thanks, Senator.

so excited to be working for the U .S. Congress.

Yes, that's right.

You now have your hands on the throbbing pulse of democracy.

Well, nothing's throbbing.

That's the corridor of the power showing change in the ever -flowing tides of

our government.

No, I think it's your nuts.

Engulf your rights as a citizen and enjoy that which is united.

There you go.

Oh,

yes.

You're right. You do have something to show me.

Oh.

Got a bit?

By far, you're the best page I've ever had.

I may have something I want to show you too.

I'm just going to have a look.

You want to be sure I see it all?

Oh.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

I have a prize for you.

What prize?

Do you want it? Oh, yeah, I want it. What prize?

I'm sure.

It's yours.

Okay.

Okay,

give it to me.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I just feel good.

I feel good, yeah.

election very very nice well

it's great work girls your medical tests have all come back

you girls are all in perfect health you know we do believe in constant

checkups and blood tests save sex

You can all be dismissed.

There will be more envelopes and assignments for you tomorrow.

And you can have the rest of the day off.

Very proud of you.

Oh, fuck it!

Hello, it's me again, Linda Lovelace.

And there you have it.

Now, aren't you glad you thought here first, instead of going through the

of reading it later?

And isn't it nice to know that if our country is ever threatened, or our

ever compromised,

Or if your wet dreams ever get too sticky, you can always count on the

the Deep Brook Squad.

Oh, my God, I got it right this time!