Original subtitles

[♪ light music playing on speakers]

-There he is, the yellow sticker boy. -[machine clicks]

Remember, girls, show no mercy.

[assistant] Please be gentle.

[Deb] Tonight, we feast.

See? At five minutes to 10:00, they do the double yellow reduced labels.

A fantastic haul.

One hundred pounds worth of food for 20 pounds.

-What a saving. -Yeah, but half of it's off.

Well, your figure could do with the food poisoning,

so it's win-win.

And I got chocolate rolls for 29p.

A bit stale, just how I like it.

This is your fault, Josie.

We'd be driving home if you hadn't totaled the car

trying to escape your own wedding.

Ah, walking's much better.

We're lionesses dragging home a fresh kill.

-It's feminist. -I'm not a feminist.

All that campaigning and for what?

To work and vote? Sounds like a lot of fucking effort.

No, I'm not feminist either.

I like a man to take care of me.

So why isn't Dev picking us up?

[Deb] He's got a more important job.

He's getting rid of the fucking boxes

and moving the fucking boat.

That man in there is on strike three.

Strike three out of what?

Darling, I can't help but notice

that all the boxes are still here.

Yeah, sorry.

I've been working.

Have you heard about love languages?

It's fascinating.

Ooh, what's in the bag?

[Dev laughs]

Oh, no, no. They're a bit stale.

Where is your car, and why is your boat still on the drive?

-Sold it. -You sold your car?

Oh, yeah. To pay for the counseling course.

Why the fuck didn't you sell the boat?

Now, that's not very loving language, Deb.

Sorry.

Why didn't you sell the fucking boat?

Sell The Lovely Lisa when she brings us so much joy?

Wouldn't do that to you, sexy bum.

Oh ho!

We need that car.

I'm sorry, dear. I thought you'd be happy for me.

As they say in counseling, probably,

it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission.

-[tablet chimes] -Oh, back in a minute.

Time for my mindfulness.

[bag thumps]

[Dev humming]

[tablet clatters]

Forgive me.

[♪ bright, upbeat music playing]

Can I please ask you to use nonviolent communication?

[Deb] I'll give you nonviolent communication!

Ow! Not the chocolate rolls.

Stop it. They're hard. I thought you'd be supportive, Deb.

This is giving me flashbacks to when Dad left.

At least Dev can't take all the Blu-rays this time.

Or Daddy the cat.

[Josie] RIP. Forever in our hearts.

Selfish penny-pinching miserly asshole!

Don't say that. You love him, really.

The man downstairs isn't Dev.

He's a leech from hell who was sent to bleed us dry!

Come on, Mum. You don't mean that.

We need to get rid of the drains on this family.

Well, there's no need to bring my wife into this.

Why the fuck is the bathroom door locked?

There are no secrets in this house!

Nicky.

Deb.

The drain's clogged again.

[door slams shut]

They're not going to break up.

You'll all feel so silly for worrying.

[sobbing]

[Dev] It's just a little, tiny break.

We love you all very much.

Oh, for God's sake.

All of you just need to grow up.

Captain Cheapskate's going to move his fucking boxes tonight!

You know, I can't believe you're kicking me out.

Right when I was about to fix the hole in the bathroom floor.

Absolutely. The same day you pay for dinner

and we all feast on a flying fucking pig!

-[Seb sobs] -[door slams shut]

Because you're cheap!

I swear to God,

I will not have any more dead weight in this house.

Especially you two.

No more of this conceiving a son nonsense.

I mean it.

[bed creaking]

Get in there, my son!

Yeah, he loves it.

You're definitely pregnant now.

Yep.

[urine splashing]

Okay. I think I've pissed most of it out.

That's the last time I'm picking up the morning-after pill for you.

The woman in there thinks I have a fetish for unprotected sex.

You do.

Just tell him you don't want to have his baby.

I don't want to make things awkward.

Maybe having a baby wouldn't be so bad.

Seb promised he'd take me away from here.

Having a baby just feels like a small price to pay for freedom.

Shit, you're right.

You should probably have his baby.

But everyone who has a baby is insufferable.

The worst. I've spent nine months constipated,

but I'm not forcing everyone to look at pictures of my shit.

Why is Seb so desperate to procreate?

Maybe he's bored.

Men need multisensory stimulation.

That's why Nicky watches porn while he's fucking me.

Babies scare me.

What if someone asks me to hold it?

What if I hold it wrong and everyone thinks I'm a pedophile?

I don't want people to think I'm a pedophile.

Listen to me. You don't need to have his baby.

Stop letting him enter you.

I have to. I'm stuck.

Plus he looks so sad, which you know turns me on.

He thinks Deb and Dev breaking up means true love isn't real.

Me and Nicky have true love.

Yeah, how long is he going to be here for?

As long as it takes.

Until we get the money for Billie's Cabaret Bar

and live happily ever after.

But what happened to the last money you gave him?

And why is he back from Manchester?

Josie, I don't know how many times I need to say this.

He's got an avoidant attachment style.

He was avoiding me. Now he's attached.

Honestly, it's not rocket science.

The point is he's here now, and I know exactly where he is.

[doorbell rings]

Have you seen Nicky?

No.

Weird. Who?

Hmm... Yeah, no idea actually.

He's been gone for weeks. I hacked his emails.

He bought a one-way ticket on Trainline to Crawley.

Well, he's definitely not here. We should go out and look for him.

Fucking hell. It's looking right at me.

Hello, mister. What's your name?

Seb, it's a fucking baby. It can't even speak.

How the fuck's it supposed to know its name?

-Can I hold him? -Yes, please. I'm exhausted.

[Seb sighs]

You could watch him actually. Me and Bianca have an errand to run.

-Uh, no, thank you. -Yes, please.

Oh, uh...

I will fight with every fiber of my being

to protect this precious new life.

Come on, Bianca. Let's go quick.

Mum's upstairs. Trust me. It's fine. We'll be gone for 10 minutes tops.

Give yourself a break.

You look so, so tired and old.

Bye.

[door slams shut]

-[Bianca sighs] -It's so weird seeing you with a baby.

Whose is it?

It's mine.

Artificial insemination?

What? No, it's mine and Nicky's.

Oh right, that's weird. Two boyfriends called Nicky.

What are the chances?

Uh, no, there's just one Nicky. He's the father.

I don't understand.

Nicky, the one that chose me, we went to Manchester together.

He's the dad. I'm the mum.

It's our baby.

Oh. Alright.

One second please.

[retching]

[Bianca] You ready?

I'm just so happy for you.

Is it trained? I feel like it's going to bite me.

Honestly, Josie, trust me. Hold it and you'll see.

No, I'm too scared.

[baby coos]

Its eyes are following me around the room.

Don't point that thing at me.

Where the fuck has it come from? Send it back.

It's Bianca's baby. We're just watching him.

Look at it. All it does is eat and shit and cry.

I've got a house full of people who already do that.

Honestly, 18 years of that.

You think it's over,

and then it decides it might be an artist but never does anything.

Do I look fantastic?

-Why? Where are you going? -[Deb] Girls' night.

I thought I'd try and feel better about myself

by visiting a woman whose life is sadder

than all of ours put together.

[both] Aunt Wendy.

Well, I'm off out too.

What? Where?

Book club.

You've not been in ages. Can't you miss this one?

This is exactly what I said would happen.

We have this baby and you expect me to give up my social life.

You just want me trapped at home cooking your dinner

and putting your jumpers in the washing machine.

No, thank you.

[door opens]

-Those are hand wash only. -[door slams shut]

Girls' night!

A casino?

Yes, just like in the movies.

It's fun.

You need some of that.

[sighs] Oh, darling.

How utterly terrible.

We all said this would happen.

How awful.

I just wanted to come for a pep talk, you know?

Single woman to single woman.

Obviously, you've been single for years, so I knew you'd understand.

It's so lovely of you to seek comfort from your sister in your hour of need,

just as the tables have turned.

I'm happily in a relationship.

-You are? -Yes. And you're not.

Gosh, what a strange turn of events. [chuckles]

I'm experiencing life in your shoes.

Well, your old shoes. My new shoes.

[laughs]

It's funny, isn't it?

Back to being little old Debbie Downer.

What was all that shit about not needing a man?

Oh, turns out I got that completely wrong.

It's much easier with a man. What was I thinking?

He's coming tonight. I hope you don't mind.

It's supposed to be girls' night.

See, it might be because I'm a little bit of an empath,

but I can't help but feel you're annoyed with me.

You're a fucking Judas on HRT.

-Here he is. -[partner] Ah.

[Wendy giggles]

Hello, Debbie.

You remember James, don't you?

I bumped into him in Morrisons.

Not seen him in years.

Scrubs up good, doesn't he?

I happen to think he looks a little bit like James Bond.

[both laughing]

Can't see it myself.

Martinis, ladies?

My treat, obviously.

That's how a real man treats a woman.

Dev's probably halfway to Timbuktu by now.

[♪ light music playing]

See what I mean?

There's absolutely no chat, and it stinks of shit.

-How long was I gone? -He's Nicky's.

Oh, right.

Don't mind me, Deb. I'm just here to clear my boxes.

It's just us.

Oh, thank God.

Stocking up on toilet roll.

Does Deb really think I'm cheap?

Well, when was the last time you paid for anything?

I wouldn't want to belittle Deb like that.

I'm a feminist. I believe in equal pay.

Women should pay equally for dinner.

Oh, what's this?

Oh, my God!

What?

Did you know they've got problems with money?

Now you're saying that, it is ringing a bell.

Do you think Deb would take me back

if I paid for something?

I think so. Yeah.

Wow. Deb's not a feminist.

Yeah. Well, neither am I.

Feminism's gone too far.

I mean, look at us stuck here.

All these women are out gallivanting around.

They've tricked us.

For too long, men have stayed at home with the children

while women just do whatever they like.

I've not been hiding.

I've been in a cage.

It's time we broke free.

How do we do that?

Pub?

A really, really fit man.

In here? I don't think so.

He's really good at drawing straight lines.

Oh, Nicky. Um, no, I haven't seen him for months.

Oh, must be a different Nicky.

I don't know why we're here. He's never been to a casino before.

Yeah, maybe not with you, but we were always in here.

He said I was his good luck charm,

which is why he always bet with my money.

Two shots please.

Do you remember the last time we went out?

Not really, I was so drunk.

Me too. I don't remember anything.

Unless you do.

[glasses clink]

Now, since we're here, do you want another drink?

Well, it is nice being away from little Nicky.

I'll have an Old Passion.

D-Do you mean an Old Fashioned?

Don't think so.

[♪ bright music playing]

So, I just tap my card down?

Yeah, i-it's contactless.

Well, I'll be damned. [laughs]

-Just tap it. -I know. I... I know.

[machine beeps]

[Dev exhales]

Well, isn't that a thrill?

Such a little lad, isn't he?

He's going to be a heartbreaker when he's older.

A CEO or a footballer.

Doesn't say much, does he?

The strong, silent type.

Um... Nicky's a girl.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I did my best, boys.

Well, she could be like a secretary or something.

You know, like-like a really, really good one.

Like a PA to a, an astronaut or a, or a king.

Absolutely.

[baby crying]

Oh, God. What do we do now?

I want to comfort her, but I can't help but feel like

she's only doing it for attention.

Agreed. So dramatic.

Why do girls always ruin our lads' night out?

-[bell ringing] -Oh,

just when I'd gotten the hang of paying for things.

See, I'm not cheap.

If only Deb could see me now.

Where else can we go to spend money?

I know a place we can go,

but we need to get rid of this dead weight first.

[baby crying]

Oh, have a day off, love.

[♪ bright music playing]

[Josie] What's happening?

Late night book club.

It was your idea.

Not that you ever come.

It's become really popular with uni students actually.

Why are you putting lipstick on? It's only Seb.

Claire.

Seb.

Josie, it's your turn to watch the baby.

It's lads' night.

Aw, of course we can watch him.

He's a cutie.

Come on then.

Hello.

Hi there.

You left your book here, um, from last week.

Oh, whoops.

You've been coming to book club?

The discourse is very compelling.

Right. See ya.

You are determined for this baby to ruin my social life.

I thought you were a feminist.

-I'm not a feminist anymore. -[Claire] Me neither.

A house with traditional values where a man works

and a woman stays at home is a tried and tested method.

That sounds a bit of alright to me.

I just need to find a man first.

[both laughing]

[Wendy] Ooh, this looks fun.

Maybe we shouldn't gamble tonight.

Classic Debbie Downer.

Still on the scooter, are we?

Only had a car for 10 minutes before her lesbian daughter totaled it.

Nevermind. James, go for it.

[Wendy] Haven't got any chips.

How 'bout these?

James, not little miss Minnie.

We can't accept these, sir.

They do in Casino Royale.

Yeah, but not in Crawley.

And that was an Aston Martin, not a Mini Cooper.

Uh-oh. Here we go.

Right, well then.

[James clears throat]

You know what they say,

"When the fun stops, stop."

Have a wonderful evening.

James, how could you?

I was just being silly.

We're getting a new one soon anyway.

[Wendy] Well, James Bond.

I'll get some martinis, shall I?

-Yeah. -[Wendy purrs]

[chuckles]

You're selling your car?

[Bianca singing]

Oh, do you sing as well?

Yeah. Um...

Nicky said I sound just like Amy Winehouse.

Weird.

Must have got us mixed up 'cause I sound just like her.

He said to me, he's working on the recording contract.

He just needs me to fund the studio and hire the manager,

so I'm just waiting for the loan to go through.

He said my voice is so good that I need to keep it to myself

because the world isn't ready.

Do you think he knows any Amy Winehouse?

-[baby crying] -That's such an interesting point, Theo.

Did anyone else have thoughts they'd like to share?

[baby continues crying]

Sorry. Is this your baby?

Uh, I've been left with it.

Oh, God, that's awful.

A single mother?

-Um... -So brave.

So impressive.

I guess I am quite brave.

[baby coughing]

So, you're in the market for a car, Debbie?

How much do you want for it?

James Bond doesn't do this for the money.

What do you want then?

I think you know.

I don't.

I want you to fuck me.

You what?

Oh, come on, please!

Please, fuck me.

I've been thinking about it for ages.

Oh, come on. You know you want to.

I'll give you my car!

Aww! [laughs]

Yeah, I guess we just have a special connection.

-They're gorgeous. -Alright, pedophile.

Honestly, all this attention is too much.

Don't mind me, everyone. Just carry on reading.

I'm just looking after my baby.

Charlie.

It's me. Josie from the psych ward.

Would you like to meet my baby?

Is it yours?

What, do you think I'm some weirdo nonce with someone else's baby?

Of course it's mine.

[Charlie] Oh.

Wow.

He's not a sex pest. He's James Bond.

James Bond is a sex pest.

[Wendy] I knew you'd say this.

Suddenly, you get dumped and I'm the more fuckable sister,

and it's hard for you to take.

I understand, but don't start making up lies

just for attention.

You're just jealous 'cause I'm happy.

And you're back to being Debbie fucking Downer.

Listen to me. He begged to fuck me.

No, Debbie, you listen to me.

It's not my fault your life's shit.

Two feral daughters.

One is a lesbian, pardon my French,

but don't take that out on me.

I am the more fuckable sister.

Boys, get ready for the wildest night of your lives.

[both laughing]

[machine beeps]

[sighs]

Come on please.

For old time's sake. I was your best croupier.

[sighs] Oh, for God's sake. It was a prank call on my stag.

Of course I don't have a gun.

What, you think I'm just going to whip out a gun

and shoot everyone?

What, you think I've got a gun in my bag?

I'm trying to get inside to finish the job?

Seriously?

Go on.

♪ Well, sometimes I go out by myself ♪

♪ And I look across the water ♪

♪ And I think of all the things, what you're doing ♪

♪ And in my head, I paint a picture ♪

♪ But since I come on home and my body's been a mess ♪

♪ And I miss your ginger hair ♪

Fuck feminism.

Women don't control us. We play by our own rules.

♪ Won't you come on over ♪

♪ Stop making a fool out of me ♪

♪ Oh, why don't you come on over, Valerie ♪

Wow, you do sound just like her.

-So do you. -Oh!

I knew it, and you're still a feminist.

-Only for you! -Oh!

[furniture clatters]

-Say it! -[Deb] Ah!

Say I'm the more fuckable sister!

Book another smear test, you single old hag!

Look at you two. This isn't feminism.

Feminism has gone too fucking far.

I don't need feminism.

I've got a boyfriend.

You should both be ashamed.

This is what a feminist looks like.

Come on, baby.

Look, Deb, I am sorry your life has turned out this way.

Two lesbian daughters?

Men take one look at you and run for the hills.

Spencer was right to leave you.

And I'm not surprised Dev doesn't pay for anything

'cause you're not worth anything.

You're right. Thank you.

Have you ever heard the phrase,

"Ask for forgiveness, not permission?"

No. Why?

No reason.

[♪ bright music playing]

Run away with me.

Oh, where would we even go?

Paris, just you and me.

We'll run Bianca Bar together.

Le Bianca Bar.

You'd really do that?

Bianca, listen to me. You're everything. We're going.

We're starting again. We could do it ourselves.

Raise Nicky with two mums. What's more feminist than that?

It'll be the most naturally blonde baby in all of Paris.

Yes, yes. Let's do it.

-When? -Now.

We're getting little Nicky, and we're leaving.

Wait.

Can I still be in the Perfect Pussy Club even though I've had a kid?

I don't know.

You'll have to let me have a look.

A single mother? I, I had no idea.

And stealing your education back from university too?

-It's amazing. -[Josie] And look at me,

holding it completely normally,

not thinking or doing anything weird.

I got you completely wrong, you know.

I thought you were a bit crazy,

but postpartum depression is a very real thing.

That's okay. Most people don't understand me.

But maybe you do.

Where is she?

Please be quiet. We've got a mother and baby here.

-That's not her baby. -It's mine.

[Billie] You don't even like babies.

[Josie] Look, it's not my fault. Okay?

Everyone was giving me attention.

What was I supposed to do? Tell the truth?

I can't handle the truth!

You need help.

You should be back on the psych ward.

She did try. They just wouldn't take her.

[♪ light music playing]

That was quick.

Yeah, my card's been blocked because of unusual activity.

What's the unusual activity?

I've been using it.

All been okay out here?

It was rough.

I kind of felt like that time

you all forgot me at the petrol station.

Oh, no, we didn't forget you.

Josie asked us to drive away.

-What? -Yeah,

when Deb was shouting out the window, "She's gay!"

I thought she was saying, "This way, Seb. This way."

I thought she was telling me to follow.

Be honest with me.

Do you think Josie doesn't want to be with me at all?

If I'm being honest...

I really don't think Deb was shouting, "This way."

I think Josie might be a lesbian.

She married me. We're trying for a baby.

Why would a lesbian do that?

I just don't think there's any pleasing these women.

I think I'm going to stay out just a little longer.

Where will you go at this time?

Seb?

[Bianca] This is so exciting.

A one-way coach trip to Paris with no stops.

-Croissant for three! -[both laugh]

Perfect Pussy Club on tour.

Perfect Pussy Club on tour.

I know. So excited.

I'm just going to go and ask the driver when we're going. One sec.

[sighs]

[engine revving]

[bus rumbling]

[♪ upbeat music playing]

[Seb] I love you.

[Josie] I think I do want to have a kid with you.

I don't know.

I'm not sure we're ready.

I know you don't want one.

I changed my mind.

I got so much attention with that baby earlier.

It was amazing. I was a natural.

I think I should leave you on your own for a bit.

What? Please don't go.

I'm starting to worry we're not right for each other.

You can't leave.

Um, uh... I'm pregnant.

What?

Oh, my God. What?

How far along are you?

When did this happen? I've got so many questions.

I'm... It's not important.

I'm just so happy.

You were out late.

Where have you been then?

Book club.

What did I tell you, girls?

We don't need men.

A boot full of gone-off goodies and door-to-door service.

It doesn't get better than this.

Hector's back. Hector Two.

-He's so handsome. -He is.

How did you get him?

Forgiveness, not permission, girls.

Forgiveness, not permission.

[car alarm chirps]

Now that's feminism.

[♪ "Laissez Faire" by Michel Lepop playing]

[♪ song fades out]