Original subtitles

Miss Leslie Knope,

I present to you

Herb Scaifer.

Again, Andy,

you don't need to bow.

As you wish, ma'am.

Okay, Herb,

what can I do you for?

Well, please

prepare yourself.

I have terrible news.

You do?

The world is going to

end tomorrow at dawn.

Oh, nuts.

You're sure it's tomorrow?

Afraid so. Right at dawn.

Zorp is going to be here

to free you from your flesh.

For a while

in the 1970s,

our town was run

by a freaky cult.

And every few years,

the remaining members

predict the world

is going to end,

and they have an all-night

vigil in the park.

It's super annoying.

Turns out, when you think

the world is ending,

you don't aim so carefully

in the Porta-Potties.

Why does the cult

call themselves

The Reasonableists?

Well, they figure if

people criticize them,

it'll seem like

they're attacking

something very reasonable.

That's weirdly brilliant.

Look, there's

nothing to worry about.

They've said

that the world is

gonna end 15 times,

and the only bad thing

that's ever happened

on any of those dates

is Lance Armstrong

dumping Sheryl Crow.

That was a tragic day.

LIVESTRONG.

Mmm.

At any rate, I think

Ben and I should

accompany you tonight.

Oh, I don't think

we have to do that.

No, no, no. I insist.

These people live

on planet Nutbrain.

I live on planet Nut Bran.

Bran and nuts

are very helpful

for your colon.

Well, looks like

we're kind of forced to

hang out with each other.

Yeah. Listen, I mean,

I'll come for a bit.

But if it's okay with you,

I'm not going to stay.

It's just, you know,

still kind of weird, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Totally get it.

Definitely get it.

Ben and I don't

hang out much these days.

Big deal. Lots of

people don't hang out.

Jerry and April.

Obama and Madonna, probably.

We're in good company.

Hello!

So, it looks like

we each end up with

about $5,000 apiece.

Stop. We get five G's each?

That's amazing.

You started out

with $450,000.

Entertainment 720 is dead.

It's up in company heaven.

Along with Pets.com,

Blockbuster,

and Ask Jeeves.

My company is

no better than a company

where you ask a fake butler

to Google things for you.

So what's next,

Tommy Davidson?

I say we invest

our 10 large,

and then I accidentally

get run over by a city bus,

and we start our

own hip hop label.

We have this place for

one more night, right?

We're outtie

tomorrow at noon.

What if we took

every dime we had left,

threw one last party?

Made it the essence

of everything we wanted

the company to be.

A party for

the end of the world.

You had me at

"every dime we have left."

Because I'm in

like Lara Flynn Boyle

from The Practice.

Diddly, diddly, diddly,

diddly, diddly, diddly, swag.

What should we do tonight?

I don't know.

I just figure

we'll just

order some pizza.

You watch me play Xbox.

And then I can watch

you make some

prank phone calls.

We get hammered, make out.

We do that every night.

That's because

repetition is the key

to a good marriage.

Let's do something weird.

Come on. It could be

the last night on Earth.

We could do something

off my bucket list.

You have a bucket list?

Catch the winning touchdown

at the Super Bowl.

Make the most amazing

grilled cheese sandwich ever.

Win the lottery.

Ride a unicycle.

Invent something.

I'd like to remake

the movie Kazaam

with Shaquille O'Neal

where he plays a genie,

and I'd like to get it right.

Go skydiving. Outrun a hippo.

Fly first class on a plane.

When people are

walking by,

be like this.

All right, well, this is

what we're doing tonight.

Wait, which one?

This one.

$800, $900, $1,000.

And how much is left

in the bank account?

$18.04.

Whoa! Still a lot left over.

Okay, you wanted

to hold $1,000 cash

in your hands.

That's super disappointing.

$998, $999, $1,000.

Yes! Now, this is

what I imagined.

Have you ever

seen this much cash

in your entire life?

I just handed it to you.

Nickels.

I want nickels.

A billion nickels!

No. Andy.

Evening, gentlemen.

Oh, hey, Ron.

Hail Zorp.

It is a beautiful night

for the end of the world.

Congratulations to

all of you for

reaching the finish line.

The Zorpies

are ridiculous.

But like

the Founding Fathers,

I believe in absolute

freedom of religion.

Also their ceremonies require

the playing of flutes.

I happen to make flutes

in my wood shop.

Flutes are $80 apiece,

and recorders are $150.

Hey, they're beautiful.

Would you take a check?

You can cash it tomorrow.

Sure.

Welcome to E 720's

End of the World Celebration.

The entire party

is a VIP area.

There's also

a double VIP area.

A triple VIP area.

And a Centurion

Club Elite VIP area.

Sponsored by SoBe Lifewater.

No one is allowed in there.

Not even us.

Mmm-mmm.

We also hired

10 huge, scary bouncers

with ear pieces.

What up, Keith?

He actually once tossed me

out of a club three years ago.

Water under the bridge.

D.J. Bluntz is mixing up

some new beats.

Ballers and baller-ettes,

fasten your seatbelts.

The perfect party begins...

Now.

Oh, thank God.

No one shows up to

a good party on time.

If anyone had actually

shown up right now,

the whole party

would have been ruined.

Would have been a disaster.

I don't want to

go to that party.

Does the city consider them

a threat to public safety?

Not at all,

Shauna Malwae-Tweep.

So I shouldn't

interpret anything

from the fact that

there are two people

from the City Manager's

office here?

Well, nothing except

that I had

nothing better to do,

which probably says more

about me than them.

Thanks.

Headline idea.

It's the End of the World

as They Know It,

but Pawnee Feels Fine.

It's a little long.

Okay.

Zorp Shmorp.

Doomsday Prediction Falls Flat

as Citizens Spend

Pleasant Evening

Enjoying One of

Pawnee's Finest Parks.

Somehow longer.

Right. Okay,

let's go with the first one.

Great. Hey, also, he's cute.

Is he single? Do you know?

Chris? No, he's actually

dating Jerry's daughter.

I'm sorry. I meant Ben.

What's his story?

Who?

Ben.

I...

I don't know. I'm not sure.

He's a man,

and he's a worker,

and he is...

We've never

discussed sex, so...

We've always just been

very business-like,

so your guess is as good,

nay, better than mine.

The end. By Leslie Knope.

Okay. Cool. Thanks.

Happy to help.

What's happening?

The world is ending.

Oh, boy.

I know how this goes.

I know how

Shauna operates.

She smiles,

and then they fall in love,

and then they get married,

and then she

changes her name to

Shauna Malwae-Wyatt.

Or he's going to be

really progressive

and change his name

to Ben Wyatt Malwae-Tweep.

God, I am so annoyed

that he would

hypothetically do that.

I'm going to remind you

that the reason

you're not dating him

is because you decided

to run for City Council.

So just because

I can't go out with him,

someone else can?

Oh, boy. Okay.

Wow!

I'm sure this is nothing.

Okay, well, that was

definitely something.

Oh, my God.

I know that move.

They're going to have

sex in five minutes.

I've gotta stop this.

I've gotta keep them

away from each other

for the rest of their lives.

How are you

going to do that?

Unclear.

Oh, yeah! 10 bucks.

That counts as

winning the lottery.

Okay, now, is this

the most amazing

grilled cheese

sandwich ever made?

Mmm. It's pretty awesome.

Honey, my bucket list

doesn't say,

"Make a pretty awesome

grilled cheese sandwich."

We gotta

go back to the store.

We're gonna get

a different kind of cheese.

No, no, no, no, no.

Dude, seriously.

This is the most amazing

grilled cheese

sandwich ever made, okay?

Okay. What's next?

Hey, there you are.

Wow, you two are

still talking?

Ben hasn't bored

you to death by now?

Hey.

He's so boring.

Actually, we were

having a really great talk.

Keep your pants on.

What?

I mean,

keep your pants on, girl.

I mean,

those are really nice pants.

I really like your pants.

Where did you get them?

Do you want to go

buy some more pants

or walk away from here?

I might head over to that

End of the World party.

That's where all

the losers are going.

Yeah, what is that?

Tom emailed me.

I could check that out.

Or... Well, then you

should stay here, then.

Because you can't go.

I mean, what if you're not

here when Zorp shows up?

Boy, would your face be red.

When Zorp shows up,

your faces will be

melted off and used as fuel.

You want

to be here for that.

I think I'll take my chances.

Leslie, thanks as always.

Wow, what an unbelievably

unpleasant person.

Melissa, get in there

with your bad self.

All right.

You ready?

I'm ready.

Anything you grab

is yours to keep. Hit it.

Yes.

The perfect party,

it's an elusive idea.

People have to be

completely entertained

from the moment they walk in

until the moment they leave.

It's a grand experiment,

and I am a party scientist.

Welcome to my laboratory.

That was Symphony for

the Righteous Destruction

of Humanity in E Minor

by the late Lou Presotovich.

Reminder. These flutes are

available for purchase.

You can't take it

with you, people.

Herb, I just speed-read

both of your books.

And full disclosure,

I think

they're bonkersville.

But I did notice that you're

interested in reincarnation.

Tell me about that.

Well, it makes sense,

doesn't it?

From the universe we emerge,

and to the universe we return.

And there are infinite

forms we can take

in infinite universes.

What a lovely thought.

Well, this morning at dawn,

you will take a new form.

That of a fleshless,

chattering skeleton

when Zorp the Surveyor

arrives and burns

your flesh off

with his volcano mouth.

That was very strange,

what you just said.

I don't like it as much

as that other thing you said.

Hey. Hey.

Where are you going?

Where are you

headed off to?

Do you want to play

a fun game with me

that I made up

called ChessRisk?

It's half-chess, half-Risk,

and it takes 15 hours to play.

Okay, yeah,

I think I'm going to go.

I... Okay.

All right?

Oh, my God!

What?

I forgot I have a thing

I need to show you.

Oh.

I need to bring you

there right now.

It's so amazing.

It's going to freak you out.

It's something

that we need to get

in my car and go to.

So let's do that.

Okay.

Come on.

Leslie, where are you going?

I'm going to the thing

that I told you

about with Ben.

No spoilers, Ann.

She's been there before.

Let's go.

Okay.

What's up? What's up?

Are you guys having

a good time tonight?

Yeah!

I think we've got to take

things to the next level.

Drumline, hit it.

Here we go! Here we go!

Okay. I'm ready.

Good.

Wait. I'm not ready.

Super scared.

Andy, you said

you wanted to be

an action star.

This is your chance.

Okay.

Okay. You, Natalie,

follow the action.

Whatever.

What do I have to do?

Just hold up

this butter knife

to my throat

and pretend like

you're holding me hostage.

What?

Ready?

I don't know.

This seems a little crazy.

Just crazy enough to work.

Help!

Whoa!

Oh! My face!

My face is fine,

Mikhail Petrov.

Forget it, Macklin.

You're too late.

I'm sorry, guys.

I need my cheaters.

Jerry.

You're doing really good.

Really?

Yeah.

Help me, Agent Macklin.

Help me.

He's stolen my jewels.

And now, he's going

to ravish my body.

And he stinks!

He really stinks!

Okay. Janet Snakehole

belongs to mother Russia now.

That's what you think.

No.

I hope you like pain.

Say the line.

Looks like this

Siberian husky is

going to be Russian

off to jail.

Hey, you know what?

Can I go?

Gayle is making a roast.

We've already been

down this street.

Just out of curiosity,

where is your

favorite place to go?

Like, ever.

Well, I don't know.

Tom's party

sounded kind of fun.

Here we are.

We're at the special place.

Well, here we are.

What do you think?

Are you going to

murder me and bury me

at this gas station?

No, this is

a great gas station.

This gas station was

owned by Mick Jagger.

Uh-huh.

I came across some

financial records

when I was doing

research for my book,

and this gas station was

owned by an M. Jagger.

Which, at first,

I thought was a woman.

Maybe Meg or something.

But I think the most

likely explanation

is that legendary

Rolling Stones front man

Mick Jagger owned this

gas station from 1951 to 1958.

I know what you're doing,

Leslie.

I am showing you a part of

rock and roll history.

You know,

you can't do this.

You know, we broke up.

And I kind of feel

like we shouldn't

hang out together,

just the two of us.

Because every time we do,

it just makes it harder.

You know?

Okay.

Okay.

I think we've done

everything on the list

that we can actually do.

What about this?

Oh, my God.

That would be awesome.

That's impossible.

No, it isn't.

We have a $1,000

in our bank account,

and we're young

and irresponsible.

I mean,

our car would break down.

There's no way

we could even get there.

So I'll steal my dad's car.

Look, this is a stupid idea,

but right at this

exact second,

we have enough momentum

to do something stupid

before we realize

how stupid it is.

You are absolutely right.

No thinking. Just stupid.

Yes.

Buddhists feel

that human beings are

unlikely to be reincarnated

as human beings.

So the problem

with reincarnation

is that you could be

reborn as a pretzel

or a socket wrench.

Ron, if you could

be reincarnated,

what would you like to be?

Socket wrench sounds

pretty good, actually.

What religion am I?

Well, I'm a practicing

none of your...business.

I think the danger

in believing in

reincarnation is

that you spend so much time

trying to figure out

what you're going to

be in the next lifetime

that you forget to enjoy

the one you're in now.

Ann Perkins,

that was beautiful.

Drumlines, personalized

gift bags, tigers.

This is the best

party I've ever been to,

and I'm not just saying that.

For real, TT.

Think about it, man.

It's pretty great.

But it's not perfect.

Tom.

Hey. Lucy,

what are you doing here?

Jean-Ralphio

called me and told me

that this was

a very special occasion,

and I should come down.

It's nice to see you.

Yeah, good to see you, too.

You want to go dance?

Yeah, yeah.

Give me a minute.

Okay.

I can't believe

you called her for me.

That's really

nice of you, man.

For real. Thanks.

No, no, no. Thank you.

I mean, for everything,

I actually forgot

they ever dated.

I was trying to hit that.

Dawn is nigh.

Zorp the Surveyor approaches,

and all earthly debts

will be repaid.

Last call for donuts.

Can I speak with you

about a personal matter?

Normally, no.

But given

there's only 20 minutes

until the end of

human existence,

also no.

I lost my mind tonight.

I tried to screw up

even the potential of

Ben dating someone else.

Did you not

hear me when I said no?

We broke up because of me.

But I have to tell you, Ron.

If the world was

ending tomorrow,

I'd want to be with him.

Well, that's significant.

The problem is, Leslie,

the world is

not ending tomorrow.

The sun's going to

rise right over there.

It will be a regular Friday,

and you'll be in

the exact same position

you were in before.

I know.

It's just the thought of

him with someone else

is making me miserable.

If it makes you feel

any better, Leslie,

we'll all be

dead in 20 minutes.

That does

make me feel better.

Thank you, Herb.

We did it!

This car is nice.

How long do you think

it will take us?

The map says 30 hours,

but I drive really fast.

30 hours?

Oh, crap.

I didn't bring any music.

No.

I tell you what.

You play whatever you want.

I'm just going to

take a real quick

snooze for, like,

12 hours so I'm fresh.

Thank you guys

so much for coming out.

If you're

too drunk to drive,

please take

one of our shuttles home.

Our valet service

will drop your

car off later today.

If you're one of our

designated drivers,

please take a thank you bag

and enjoy the giant

bows I put on your car.

Hey.

It was great seeing you.

You, too.

Are you sticking around

for a bit or...

No, I'm heading to

Bloomington right now.

Grad school is fun,

but I do miss this town.

Yeah.

What's wrong?

I don't know.

After this is done,

I'm going to be broke,

and I'm not

going to have a job.

Well, if it's

any consolation,

this was honestly

the best party

I've ever been to.

It was pretty great.

I was really aiming

for something that...

I'll see you around.

Ooh! Wow!

You saw that.

You saw that, too.

Shauna Malwae-Tweep

thinks you're cute.

What?

That's why I took you

to Mick Jagger's

abandoned gas station.

Because she

thinks you're cute,

and I was afraid

you guys were

going to make out

and have babies.

And I had no right to

do that to you

or your future children.

And it wasn't until

just now that I realized

the romantic part of

our relationship is over.

So I'm sorry.

And why don't

you tell Shauna

to make herself decent,

and I'll apologize

to her as well?

Oh, well,

Shauna is not here.

Oh.

See what I did?

I do.

I'm very sneaky.

Okay. Okay. Well.

It's so much more beautiful

than I could have

ever even imagined.

Yeah.

I'm trying to find

a way to be annoyed by it,

but I'm coming up empty.

Thank you so much.

I never would have

ever done this

without you.

Thank you.

Where's all the faces?

Like the presidents.

All the scholarly work

that I did

on these texts indicated

that the world would end.

Gosh, I'm as disappointed

as you are, Herb.

Yeah, but I went home

and began to

re-evaluate the texts.

You don't say?

And I realized

that I had made

some crucial errors.

Well, math is hard.

The actual end of

the world is May 19th.

Okay, let's see

what we've got.

Um, oh, on the 19th,

we can't give you the park.

We have a Spring Spectacular

free ice cream giveaway.

I misspoke.

Yeah, it's May 20.

That is free. Okay.

Thanks.

End of world. May 20th.