Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians

♪ Slimy Stewarts Vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen, savage Fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories We do that

♪ And your host A talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to... ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

Ah! Who doesn't love going on their holibobs by the sea?

I adore a trip to the beach with my family

and King George III was the same.

He especially loved holidaying

in the British seaside town of Weymouth,

although his family were slightly less keen on the trips.

SEAGULL TRILLS

Oh, no! This happens every time.

My hair is not a nest!

Family on tour!

So excited!

OK, Dad, tell us where we are.

Oh, well, we are in Dorset on a royal family holiday

going to the best town ever.

What could be better, girls,

than going to Weymouth?

Er, NOT going to Weymouth.

That would be better.

Weymouth is more dull and stupid than I can find words to express.

You're the King, Father, we could literally go anywhere.

I know, which is why we're doing a special surprise stop on the way!

It better not be a farm.

HORSES NEIGH

Ooh! Hello, piggies!

Isn't it great? I love farms!

I can't believe you're my sister!

SQUELCH Urgh! I stepped in something!

Argh!

Did you like the farm? Now I'm bored and I smell of cows.

Right! Girls...

...let's do a bit of Weymouth shopping, shall we?

Shop till we drop, that'll cheer you up.

It's half past five in the morning, Daddy.

I know, that's why I had my favourite shop, Delamotte,

open specially.

Look at the shopkeeper, loves getting up at 5am.

This holiday's almost as bad as last year's. In fact, it IS as bad.

It's the same exact holiday again!

Although I guess last year's was a bit worse

because we had to go on a boat trip.

BELL RINGS Boat trip!

SHE GROANS

Bup-bup-bu-bup! Weymouth!

SHE RETCHES

I've got nothing left in me to throw up.

It's all the excitement of being on a boat.

She's loving it.

SHE RETCHES

BELL RINGS

I think it's safe to say that was a huge success.

SHE RETCHES

Please, Father, we're so miserable!

Fine. I give up. Never again.

Really, Father? Thank you!

Brush your teeth first.

Now we can find somewhere else to holiday finally.

Oh, no, I meant we'll never do the boat trip again.

We'll definitely come back to Weymouth. Yay!

Weymouth is cool! Weymouth!

SHE RETCHES

Hello, holiday-makers! Queen Victoria here.

Queen of Great Britain and Ireland,

Empress of India

and massive fan of going on holibobs!

In addition to ruling and having lots of children,

I did like to be beside the seaside.

I was a particularly big fan of going wading in the sea.

My husband, Albert, even persuaded me that the salty water

was good for my health.

But tell me, what special bit of equipment did I like to use

when I went to the sea?

Was it...

The answer was...

B, a big shed on wheels called a bathing machine,

like this one.

It would be wheeled into the sea with me inside it,

so then I could get out into the water without prying eyes

watching me and splash around a bit, hmm!

And let me tell you, this ride was pimped!

It's got a changing room in there

and curtains that go around the front, so I couldn't be seen.

And there's even a royal working toilet inside.

TOILET FLUSHES I might be the Queen,

but I do not royal wee in the sea!

Unless it's an emergency.

Excuse me! Monarch on the move!

Agatha? Agatha?!

That can't be you.

John! What brings you to Hawaii?

You, Agatha! I publish your books and we're expecting another one.

I did not expect to find you, Agatha Christie, detective writer,

on a beach in a...

It's a bathing suit, John.

Whatever it is. It's not a book and that's what we need.

People need more Poirot.

I've been trying to get a hold of you for weeks.

Well, you've caught me red-handed.

Why are you even here?

Because of that little lady over there, Jonathan.

I can't see anyone. Is it, Miss Marple?

The sea, John. Do you know what this is?

Er, an insole for a very big shoe?

It's a surfboard, John! I've been learning to surf.

So what are you now, a-a-a surfer?

Could we at least fix a typewriter on this thing?

I'm still a ground-breaking crime novelist, John. I've just

discovered a totally epic new hobby while on my vacation.

Well, you know what would be "totally epic", Agatha? A new book!

I do have a new idea for a book.

Oh, great. It's about a British prince...

Terrific. ..who gets murdered...

Intriguing. ..while surfing in Hawaii!

Oh, that's ridiculous!

People simply won't take you seriously

if you keep telling tales about surfing princes.

Edward! John, have you met the Prince of Wales?

What is...?

Ha... Hail, your wonderful Majesty.

Chill, bro. Oh, it's awesome out there, Agatha.

I just stood up on the board.

I think I'm the first British dude to do it.

Check this out.

Woohoo!

Later, bro!

Tell me more about this royal murder story then, how does it start?

Well, the prince is in the water and there may be a shark. Hmm.

It's a great first chapter. No, no, no!

The Prince is in the water and there may be a shark!

Your Royal Highness, watch out!

It's true. Famous crime writer Agatha Christie

really did get hooked on surfing

and her surfboard really was called Fred.

When I go abroad on my hols,

as well as souvenir hunting in their exotic bins and sewers,

I love a bit of sightseeing -

and people in the past did, too.

Alexander the Great once actually took a break from waging a war

so he could go and visit the tomb of his hero,

the legendary Greek warrior Achilles.

Oh, oh! They're emptying the bins!

I've got to get a snap. Oh, oh! The bins. Mm!

Hail, fair Alexander.

Welcome to the ruins of ancient Troy.

Thanks, buddy.

We're actually on our way to attack the Persian Empire but, er,

we couldn't resist a little holiday in Troy on the way.

All war and no play makes Alexander the Great a dull,

and yet still strangely awesome, emperor.

Well, let me be your tour guide to this historic ruin.

All I ask is the honour of your company

and also a large bag of coins.

Right, what do you want to see?

Show me the resting place of Achilles,

the greatest of the Greek warriors and hero of the Trojan War.

Behold...

...the tomb of Achilles!

Oh, it's right there, bro.

Eeh! I can't believe I'm stood

right in front of the actual tomb of Achilles!

Hephaestion, look!

Yeah, I'm looking. It's great, bro.

You really like Achilles.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, massive fan.

I even sleep with a dagger under my pillow,

just like he did.

You know, I always tell Hephaestion,

if I have an Achilles heel,

it's probably how much I love Achilles!

Yeah, he's always saying that, bro.

Oh, it's good to meet someone who respects the legends of Troy.

Just a bit.

Might have to pour a load of oil over the tomb in tribute!

Whoa, there it goes!

You probably don't need that much oil.

You know what? I'm going to crown it in garlands, too.

Garlands and oil!

Oh, do we have to spend ALL day

at the tomb of Achilles, bro?

Er, yeah. In fact,

I'm going to run around it naked.

Race you, Hephaestion!

Does he do this a lot?

Yeah. You better join in,

otherwise he gets a bit grumpy.

Oh, watch out for the oil!

Whoa! Oh!

Ha! Who wants to go and look at famous landmarks

when you can look at me?!

Yes, when I, the great Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte

was captured at Waterloo,

the impressive sight that people travelled to see

was me!

And I don't blame them.

I am a rather handsome chap.

Go on. Treat yourself to an imperial close up.

It's 1815 and thousands of people have gathered

in hundreds of small boats

to catch a glimpse

of the captured French Emperor, Napoleon.

Welcome to Goggleboats.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Boney!

Oh, he looks smashing!

Totally worth travelling all the way from Glasgow.

Och, totally!

I do like a man in uniform.

Do you like a man who's been fighting Britain

for the last 23 years?

If he's in uniform, yeah.

THEY LAUGH

I mean, it's good, but I wish something would actually happen.

Look, Mum.

Napoleon took his hat off.

Oh, that made it worth travelling 400 miles.

Can we go home now?

Boo!

Yeah! Yeah!

Boo!

Yeah! Yeah!

Boo! Yeah!

Boo! Yeah! Boo!

Boo! Yeah! Boo! Yeah!

Go on, take a bow, son!

Take a bow.

These British, they're easily amused, no?

Yeah, there is no nation as foolish as we are.

NAPOLEON LAUGHS

So, er, you see Napoleon? Mm-hm?

He's wearing a bicorn hat, isn't he, with the two points?

Yeah, and three points is a tricorn. Mm.

Do you reckon if he got one point, that makes him a unicorn?

THEY LAUGH

# Allons enfants de la patrie... ♪

Oh, they're singing him his national anthem!

But those aren't the words

to the national anthem.

No, Mum.

They're singing him the French national anthem,

in French.

Why?

Cos he's Fre... never mind.

What's he doing here, anyway?

He's been captured by the Royal Navy and he's being kept here

until he gets moved to a prison on a tropical island

in the middle of the Atlantic, where he'll be for the rest of his life.

Hmm, tropical island!

Ha! Oh...

If I knew that was the punishment,

I would have invaded Holland years ago.

THEY LAUGH

Well, I'm not sure sitting watching that little French fellow

waving his hat all day

really floats MY holiday boat!

Oh! Gusty! I've always got problems with wind, one way or the other.

PARP

HE CHUCKLES

Maybe you've been abroad for a holiday.

Well, in the past, that was something that only very rich

and powerful people could afford to do.

In the 17th century, wealthy people went on trips called Grand Tours.

I don't think you'd be getting much rest

and relaxation with this lot, hmm.

Every year, young lords from England set off across Europe

to learn about Greek and Roman classic history.

Arrrrrr!

And they don't always behave themselves.

Lords on Tour!

Welcome to Grand Lords on Tour 1758.

I'm the Bear Leader.

It's my job to ensure these young gentlemen

have a educational and enriching time.

Give us a kiss, Bear Leader!

PLEASE put that back. That is a priceless article!

SMASH Oh!

LORDS LAUGH Oh, no! It was so old!

Made a bit of a mess.

Ha-ha, priceless! We're having a smashing time!

THEY LAUGH

The Tour is a cultural experience for the young lords.

Ohhh!

James Cecil,

sixth Earl of Salisbury,

er, King's cousin and wealthiest man in Shropshire,

and I'm here to explore the philosophies

and sights of, erm, the ancient past, and...

...to party!

LIVELY CLASSICAL MUSIC

No, no, no!

I'll be careful!

I'm not going to lie, I'm having the time of my life.

We're going to the beach.

I've spent so much money. £3,000.

Is that a lot?

Come back here now!

The whole point of the Grand Tour

is like, it's a kind of finishing school for landed gentry,

you know what I'm saying?

We get to see all the places we've studied in real life,

like Florence, Constantinople,

Rome, the...

HE BURPS ...Balkans.

THEY LAUGH

Yeah, we started in the Alps, climbing.

It was actually quite tough. No, no, no, not for me.

I got one of the locals to carry me up in a chair.

Some people get very upset with the young lords' behaviour.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

The folly of British boys has gained us the title

Golden Asses, all over Italy.

THEY SHOUT

Next week, the tour moves to Athens...

Last one in the lake's lame!

...where the boys study Pythagoras

and Lord Cecil is sick on the Parthenon.

Yo, yo, yo!

It's your boy Ibn Battuta here,

international traveller

extraordinaire!

Naire! Naire!

Follow me as I go on the Hajj.

That's an Islamic holy pilgrimage to Saudi Arabia.

Next stop, Mecca. Boy!

Yo! I'm in India!

What?!

I did go to Mecca,

but then I love travelling so much, I just kept on going.

Oh, and guess what?

The Sultan of India's only hired me

as his ambassador!

Best holiday ever!

The Sultan of India is sending me to China. I can't wait!

Bandits are coming. Run for your life!

Eh?

I'm in a ditch, hiding from the bandits.

Worst holiday ever!

He's hiding in the ditch!

Probably shouldn't have shouted that out.

Worst holiday ever!

It's your boy Battuta here.

The bandits are keeping me prisoner in a cave.

As caves go, it's a nice one, but...

Ah!

I'm OK...

...I think.

A villager freed me! Yay!

All I had to do was give him all my clothes!

But he let me keep my trousers.

From now on, they are officially

my lucky trousers!

Yeah. Now, onward to China!

Yeah, boy!

So, on the way to China, I stopped off at Ceylon.

Say what? Nothing but blue skies ahead

for your boy Battuta!

Best holiday ever!

THUNDERCLAP

I'm sure that'll blow over.

My ship got caught in a storm. The others made a raft,

but they said there was no room for your boy Battuta

so, you know, here I am...

...on a sinking ship.

Worst holiday ever.

HE THROWS UP

Ah!

SPLASH

Rrrrrrrr-escued!

New ship, new friends!

Battuta's luck's in, boy.

Best holiday ev...

Pirates are coming, run for your lives!

Oh, come on!

The ship was robbed by pirates

and my clothes were stolen again.

But it's not all doom and gloom.

I've still got my lucky trousers!

Woo!

And I have travelled 75,000 miles,

so, actually...

...best holiday ever!

Ever, ever!

Oh, what are we going to do this summer?

Oh, probably nothing again. Hmm.

Not if I have anything to do with it!

Who are you?!

Hi, I'm Thomas Cook,

and I'm going to give you the trip of a lifetime.

Oh! Oh! Oh, she's gone.

New Thomas Cook Holidays!

In the first holiday of its kind,

I'm packaging together an incredible trip for the whole family,

all the way from Leicester

to Loughborough.

Wait, did you say, "Loughborough"?

Ooh, Loughborough!

Er, yeah.

Well, that's only 11 miles away.

That's right!

A whole 11 miles

of luxury train travel!

Oh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Steady, mate.

Oh, so we're going first class? Well...

Second class?

One carriage of holiday-makers will be going second class.

The other nine will be going third class.

Your very own seat on a train!

Probably.

And this trip is all-inclusive,

with food provided at our destination.

Oh, that actually sounds quite good. What are we having?

A cup of tea and...

Oh. So much for luxury.

We'll be giving out free flags to wave

and there'll be a band playing

to welcome you on your arrival.

It's a dream getaway!

It's a third class train ticket,

a ham sandwich and a cheap flag.

Yeah, it doesn't really sound like a holiday.

Look, there are no other package holidays.

This is the first one, so it's literally just this or stay at home.

Sign me up. Yeah. Me, too.

Oh, thanks, guys.

Thomas Cook Holidays.

Where will your next adventure take you?

To be honest, it's probably going to be

Loughborough again next year, but...

When I'm on holiday, I love a treat.

That might be a trip to something like a theme park,

or eating something tasty!

Hello, you!

Nice candyfloss!

And in my book, the bigger the better.

In Victorian times, though,

they had teeny tiny servings of ice cream called penny licks.

Mm. Ah!

I dropped my candyfloss in the bin.

Oh! I'll go and get it.

Oh, bonus!

I love toppings!

Mm!

Just when you thought the British summer time couldn't get any better.

Oh, look over there! It's the ice cream cart!

Yes, it's everyone's favourite Victorian summer treat -

the penny lick,

the refreshing instant snack that you can share with friends.

One penny lick, please.

Our taste sensations include lemon,

strawberry, vanilla

and the saliva and germs

of whoever had the glass last.

Flavour?

Erm, er, vanilla,

without the saliva and germs.

They ain't optional.

Right. And how much is a penny lick?

Are you trying to be funny?

The penny lick costs you

just one penny...

Well, yes, I suppose that is cheap.

...and a fairly high risk of infection.

You do wash these glasses, don't you? Yeah, sometimes.

Achoo!

I mean, if it's been properly licked clean, there's no need.

HE SPITS

Beautifully licked clean.

You could eat your dinner off that.

I love them because the cold gives me

relief from the sores around my mouth. Ah!

Pick a penny lick.

They're quick, they're thick

and there's a chance they won't make you sick.

One penny lick, please, and have one yourself.

You're joking, ain't you?

I'm not eating that.

HE SNORTS

Madame, I present the most thrilling new experience in Paris,

the first of its kind in the whole world.

But it's just a wooden cart on a tiny train track.

It is so much more than that.

I'm sure that's fine. Oh!

In years to come, people will travel the world

and queue all day, just to ride one of these.

We call it Les Montagnes Russes.

Bon chance. Oh, aha!

After those huge ice slides that look like little mountains.

Precisely-y-y! Ah!

Of course, we don't have much ice here in Paris.

That is why we use the tracks.

So we are just in a box, hurtling down a hill very, very fast.

Oui! Isn't it awesome?

Er, shouldn't we wear some kind of safety strap

to keep us from flying out if it stops suddenly?

That sounds like a great idea,

but it's a bit late right now!

Ahhh!

Oh! I'm sure the tracks

will keep us going in the right direction.

BANG

Er, what happens if the wheels come off?

I guess we're about to find out!

Oh, the exhilaration! The danger!

That is so much fun! Woohoo!

Ahh! Why would anyone find danger fu-u-u-u-un?

I don't know, Madame,

but the more injuries people have on this ride,

the more popular it becomes!

I would like to get off now.

I am going to be sick of it.

I'm afraid there is no way to stop the ride

until we get to the bottom.

Woohoo! Ahhh!

Yeah!

Oh! Ah! Ooh...

That's if we do stop at the bottom.

Just because the track stops, doesn't mean we will!

Hee-hee-ee!

Scream if you want to go faster!

Ahhh!

COW MOOS

Let's go again!

I am going home. Oh.

So, you go on roller-coasters and eat ice creams on your holidays?

I've got no idea what roller-coasters and ice creams are!

Or holidays.

In Medieval times, we don't have anything like that.

Well, not exactly, anyway.

Bit more, bit more. Bit more.

I'm trying to do it safely.

Ah! Ahh!

Oh, hello.

We're just building a medieval church.

It's hard work, innit, Dave? Yeah!

I'm shattered. A bit like my foot.

HE WHIMPERS

But luckily, building medieval churches

does mean you get a bit of time off now and again.

But can you tell me why?

Is it because...?

...and pretend it's the end of the day.

The answer is...

...B. We get some holy days off.

In fact, that's where your word "holidays" comes from -

our holy days.

Yeah, where you going for your holy feast tomorrow, Ted?

Church, same as everyone else.

Cor. Well, we'd better finish building it, then!

Ah! Oh...

You're all right.

Hey! Hi, guys!

Holiday time!

I can't believe I am going to my first

Thesmophoria!

She is going to love it!

A girls-only festival,

right here in Ancient Athens,

celebrating the fertility goddess Demeter!

Woo!

You are an absolute

bottom-faced poop-for-brains

for having not gone before! That's actually quite hurtful.

Oh, no, babes, that's the pre-party bit of Thesmophoria

where we all insult each other.

You hairy smellbag!

You have... a butt like the Parthenon.

Because it's big, old and smelly.

Yay! Great Thesmophoria insult!

Oh, hiya!

Olympia,

you look... amazing!

She knows about the pig guts, right? What?

Girlies love guts!

We sacrifice piglets

and then we mix their guts with dough!

Hit the link for more easy-breezy guts and dough recipes!

And then we throw them all into a big pit.

Yay!

One woman gets chosen to be something called the bailer

and they have to kind of

go into the pit and scooch around in all of the

pig gut mush,

and then they scoop it all up and spread it on the altar.

Congratulations.

We thought it'd be cool if you were the bailer this year.

You're so lucky, Olympia.

Hashtag blessed.

She bailed!

Can you believe you got to be bailer at your first Thesmophoria?

I honestly can't.

Thesmophoria gift time!

SHE OINKS LIKE A PIG

Hit below to buy our very own terracotta piggy collection,

perfect for you and your friends!

You know, sometimes we just give each other the gifts instead

of bothering with all the bailer and somebody scooping around

in all the pig gut mush stuff! Wait, what?

What, so the... the gunk smooshing, that was all optional?!

You butt-brained,

bone-headed, baboon-bottomed bores!

Awkward. Actually, erm, the insults are at the START of the festival.

Yeah, that was actually quite hurtful.

Don't forget to like and subscribe.

Pig guts? Now, that sounds like my kind of festival!

Is it all you can eat?

LOUD RUMBLING

Oh! That's made me hungry now.

Still, nothing beats my favourite kind of holiday.

I do like to be beside the seaside,

and we've got Queen Victoria to thank

for helping make seaside holidays popular.

But it was people like holiday camp pioneer Billy Butlin

who really changed things.

Thanks to him, seaside breaks became more affordable

for everyone - from queens to rats.

Happy holidays!

♪ Yeah

♪ Ah!

♪ Oh, no

♪ The beach was not traditionally where one would go

♪ And here in Bognor

♪ Yeah, this water's so cold!

♪ But doctors said it helps to make your gout go

♪ Gout go

♪ It's cool to be by the sea

♪ Now it's cool to be by the sea!

♪ I like to be by the sea

♪ And to take all my family

♪ I change in a bathing machine

♪ I see the sea but it can't see me

♪ Even a royal empress needs this vacation by the sea

♪ I'm promenading

♪ While the kids are bucket-and-spading

♪ Oh, yeah!

♪ In the sea we're paddling and wading

♪ Na-na-na-na

♪ Break by the ocean Break by the ocean

♪ Donkey rides, baby

DONKEY BRAYS

♪ Or they'll dig a sand castle maybe

♪ Oh, yeah!

♪ Watch a Punch and Judy show daily

♪ Na-na-na-na

♪ Break by the ocean Break by the ocean... ♪

Ayy!

Ahh!

♪ Seaside

♪ Factory workers sure like to be beside

♪ I thought for their week off I could provide

♪ A holiday with entertainment supplied

♪ Supplied

♪ Holiday camp by the sea

♪ My holiday camp by the sea

♪ I called it "Butlins" cos I named it after me

♪ I'll do everything I can

♪ To make my campers all happy

♪ Catering for all their needs... ♪

Obviously, for a fee.

KER-CHING!

♪ Candyfloss, baby

♪ Or a knobbly knee contest maybe

♪ Oh, yeah!

♪ Grandparents, mums, dads and their babies

# Everyone has fun by the ocean

♪ Break by the ocean

♪ It's cool to be by the sea

♪ Now it's cool to be by the sea

♪ Yeah, yeah, when we came along

♪ It became a cool place to be

♪ I wish that we could stay It's cool to be by the sea

♪ And it's all thanks to him and me Na-na-na-na

♪ Break by the ocean Break by the ocean. ♪

Shall we all go and get fish and chips?

Yeah!

♪ Candyfloss, baby. ♪

Shall we all go and get fish and...? LAUGHS

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪