Original subtitles

I'm not saying that I definitely

don't want to go back to the salon,

but I have been dabbling with better-paid, other employment.

- "Dabbling"? - I've applied for 30 jobs.

God, save some for the rest of us! Jesus!

Babe, I haven't got one interview!

Why does nobody want me?

"But what qualifications do you have, Ms Moscrip?"

- "Why, the ones you get free from school." - "Oh, how common!"

Excuse me! Excuse me! Sorry.

BUZZ OF CONVERSATION

Oh, my God! You look amazing! Should I look amazing?

I've been saving Rhyme Time with Rocky until it was really needed.

Ah! Excuse me! We're on the list.

Excuse me, excuse me, we're on the list. Hiya.

- Name? - Oh, Cherry Lewis and Gemma Moscrip.

And do you actually have a baby with you? Otherwise...

That baby belongs to both of us.

We are very much in love.

Don't make me report you

to the Equality and Human Rights Commission.

Me and the EHRC...

..are like that.

- Have a lovely Rhyme Time. - Thank you.

Rocky's been at this library every week for the past eight years.

He's an institution.

- This has been quite the build-up. - That...

..is Rocky.

HE EXHALES

Whoa.

TINKLY MUSIC PLAYS

Ah, well,

there's always tomorrow.

HE CHUCKLES

BABIES GURGLE

So, to end this session,

we're going to hold our babies tight...

..and we're going to tell 'em we love 'em.

I love you.

I love you so much.

- Namaste. - Namaste.

Right, can I have my baby back now?

Oh, soz.

Come here, you!

Rocky's captivating, isn't he?

Yeah, he is very nice to look at,

but I'm not sure it was entirely necessary for him to be topless

during Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Skin-on-skin contact is essential for babies, Gemma.

Yeah, he didn't have a baby with him!

SHE GASPS

He's coming over.

Oh, my God! What do I look? Give me the baby.

Give me the baby. No, you take the baby. No, I'll take the baby....

- No, you take... - Shush.

- Hi. - Hi.

I used to bring my twins to all your sessions,

but they've started school now, so I can't bring them any more.

Little bastards.

Aww...

- I love babies, me. - Oh!

Yeah, and I love women who carry babies.

There's something about the female body after childbirth that...

..I just find...

HE SIGHS

..intoxicating.

Oh...

Oh, my God.

I know.

I love him.

I baked you these!

HE CHUCKLES

It's from a Paul Hollywood recipe, you know, not one by a woman!

Yeah, I'll try one later.

So, Malcy, are you busy on Friday?

- Evening? No. - How do you know?

Malcolm, the day you have Friday night plans,

is the day I can finally hold my umbrella up,

float off into the sky to find some other pathetic loser

to teach in the ways of being a great bloke.

OK, fair enough.

Friday morning. Early.

Oh, I'm not sneaking you out of a hotel without paying again.

Took days, last time, for my anxious tummy to recover.

The Jag needs a service and the only place I trust with her,

is a 50-minute drive into the Peak District.

Thought you might like to tag along.

Can I think about it?

Nope, doesn't need to.

We're in.

Great.

We should have done something like this years ago, Malcy.

Me and you, the open road,

your pet pillock in the back...

Hey...

ROCKY CHUCKLES

Mmm...

Can I have a word?

Yeah.

I just... I can't stop thinking about you.

We met three minutes ago.

HE CHUCKLES

Are you trying to tell me you haven't had half the mums in here?

No, I never mix business with pleasure.

And you...

..are all business.

You see, only the ripest ladies make their way to Rocky's bed.

How ripe am I, exactly?

- You know when a banana's gone really, really brown? - Mm-hm.

That...ripe.

HE EXHALES

So, can I get your number?

Hmm?

Rocky?

Mm-hm...

She is your baby.

I don't know why you keep pretending she's not.

- Ah... - Are you going to throw us out on the street again?

ALL MURMUR What do you expect us to do, Rocky?

You're her dad!

WOMEN GASP

Rocky?

You said you loved me, Rocky!

I don't know... I don't know this woman!

What?

So, I've just checked my schedule, and the Peak District is a go-go!

You know what this means, don't you?

- Lads on tour! - Lads on tour!

Malcolm in the back! Derek in the front!

- No, I should be in the front! - Shut the fuck up!

Alphas in the front, betas in the back.

We don't like sigmas, they go in the boot!

Oh, come on. Cheer up, Malcolm.

We're getting to spend time with your awesome dad. Look at him.

He's so cool.

- He's not, though, is he? - He fucking is! I think I'm in love with him.

- I'd probably kiss him if he asked me. - He's a conman and a...

..and a womaniser.

Oh, someone lobbed THAT apple very far from the tree, didn't they!

All right, so he was a bit of a dick in the past,

but it feels like this road trip is his way

of trying to reconnect with you.

- You know, like a bit of father-son bonding. - Do you think so?

Definitely, mate.

So, why are YOU coming?

Cos it's a really cool fucking car, Malcolm!

I want to ride in a really cool car.

Jesus!

My God! It was a joke!

You humiliated Rocky.

He's told the library he's never going back after what you just did.

He's a creep who charges 15 quid to sing at babies!

- And takes his top off! - Yeah.

Are you telling me you really enjoy all that namaste shit?

I do, actually!

Loads of the mums do.

God, you are so judgmental.

And you are overreacting!

My God, what's going on with you?

Lance has filed for a divorce.

Babe...

Means he's never coming back.

Do you want him back?

Well, I didn't want to be a divorced mum of two at 25.

Widowed...fine.

I'm so sorry.

I just wanted to get dressed up and have fun

and watch a man get his nips out,

but you've ruined that cos Rocky's never going back again.

SHE SCOFFS

How can I fix this?

Work it out for yourself.

Oh, look at that view, eh!

Makes you glad to be alive, doesn't it, Dad?

Malcolm, shut up.

Why did you need me so urgently?

- Is this about your appeal? - No.

I've decided...

..I'm going to have one of them.

No, right, listen,

they've got a really cushty mother-and-baby unit here.

I'm talking single-occupancy cell, en suite.

No bars.

- Mother-flipping A-game. - Hmm.

And how are you going to get pregnant in prison?

You're assuming that none of the women in here have penises.

OK, JK Rowling.

OK, fair enough....

Wait, no, that's a terrible idea, no matter whose penis it is.

Gemma...!

SHE LAUGHS

I'm going to have a baby with Gary.

We've rekindled our relationship.

God, you paid someone to push him off a fire escape.

Yes, I did,

and it is amazing what that kind of experience can do for a person.

Yeah, he is much less pathetic, boring and needy.

Gary is great now.

He is actually...quite hot.

- Right, well, good for you. - Thanks.

And where do you plan on... You know?

Well, this is where I need you to come up with a plan

to get me some day release.

And how am I going to do that?

I was actually thinking, maybe, you could have...

..a pretend wedding...

No! I've got it!

Fake funeral.

You're an idiot.

Well, I'm not the reason that Rocky had to quit Rhyme Time.

- How the hell do you know about that?! - I told you,

I've been hanging out with "The Mums",

and those bitches talk.

Jackie Moscrip!

MECHANIC LAUGHS

Heard you were back in town.

What, the doctor's taking another look under your bonnet?

Just visiting...

..with these two morons.

Don't you worry about this beaut, pal.

Yeah, she'll be purring like a kitten

by the time I've had my way with her.

Definitely going to rub his knob on the car.

Right, lads, time for some fun.

It's up to you to get us back to Stockport

while the Jag's in the garage.

- Well, we can do that, no problem, Dad! - Can I borrow a hammer?

Easy. Just call an Uber.

JACKIE GRUNTS, MALCOLM GASPS

- What the fuck, Jackie? I'm on SIM only! - Phone.

Obviously, don't give him your phone, Malcolm.

You're not going to smash it, are you, Dad?

Don't you trust me, son?

HE GRUNTS

I knew you'd do that!

Right.

I want you two to get us back home using your smarts,

your ingenuity,

your survival skills.

- We haven't got any of them! - No phones.

Phones have infantilised us.

Real men don't need phones.

All of my bank cards are on my phone, you fucking maniac!

Yeah, and he pays for everything, so I didn't bring any money!

Was this your plan all along, eh? To keep us stranded on the Peaks?

Your grandad once left me at the top of Scafell Pike

with nothing but a compass, three shilling and some woodbines,

and that was the making of me.

Yeah, the making of you into a massive arsehole. Am I right, king?

No.

No, this is good.

I can prove myself to him.

Come on! We can do this!

- PHONE RINGS - Oh, get that, will you, Gemma?

Rita, I'm on maternity leave.

I'm not asking you to pick it up with your fanny! Please!

Oh, I just wish that my best ever salon girlie

might come back to work...

..maybe a few weeks early?

Don't let her rush you, Gemma love.

That baby'll be a middle-aged woman

throwing bricks through windows before you know it!

How is your Margaret?

Oh, the ankle tag's made a world of difference.

- How's my little cherub doing? - Yeah, she's OK.

She had a bit of a cold this week but she's perking up now.

- No, I meant Malcolm. - Oh. He's in the Peak District with Grandad,

which is why I need you to look after Sadie for me.

Oh, no! I hope he's OK.

You need to be very careful in the Peak District.

- Well, there's no ice. I checked before they went. - Not ice.

I once saw a roadkill monkey whilst driving through the Peak District,

and I've found the whole area deeply unsettling ever since.

- A roadkill monkey? - Yeah.

It obviously escaped from one of the science labs.

Who knows what experiments had been done to it

and what things it had seen?

What intelligence it possessed...

- I mean it might have been trying to get help. - Oh...

Yeah.

I often think about that little monkey.

- OK. I'll be back in an hour. - Mm...

Do not touch my baby's hair!

Spoilsport.

Maybe... Maybe we should get a map or something, eh?

Show him that we're making an effort.

You make loads of effort, Malcolm.

You clean his flat once a week, you cook, you do his laundry,

and you mainly do this while HE is out shagging!

All right.

JACKIE COUGHS

Hey, are you all right, Dad?

Maybe we should just use your mobile, eh, and phone for a taxi?

Are you giving up already, son? I left my phone at home,

and I haven't got any cash on me.

We have been walking for an hour, we're totally fucking lost,

- and Malcolm is missing a boot. - Yeah, well,

I had to throw something to distract that bull, didn't I?!

Maps!

They've got maps!

Wait, it's shut? Why is it shut? Why is it fucking shut?!

It's not even lunchtime? It not even lunchtime!

Open up you lazy, work-shy, country, wanking...

- Hey! Hey! This one's open. - Oh...

SHOP BELL TINKLES

Morning.

Hello, er...

- ..we're looking for a map. - Oh, yes.

We've got lots of maps. What area do you want?

Um, this area that we're currently and presently located in?

Aye. Bit lost, are you?

Why the fuck would we need a map if we weren't lost?

Well, most people buy a map BEFORE they get lost.

CHUCKLING

- There you go. - Thank you.

- Do you know how to read a map? - I'm 35, Malcolm,

I've literally never used a map in my entire life.

- You're 35?! - Do YOU know how to read a map?

Davina read all the maps in our house.

We don't know how to read a map.

The art of map-reading is a long-forgotten skill.

Hmm, you don't fucking say. Can Jackie read maps?

Yes, he can. He can do anything, can't he?

Cash or card?

Oh, good questi-o-ny.

Cash or... Run, Malcolm, RUN!

SHOP BELL TINKLES

I'm sorry!

Run, Dad, run!

- Yes? - Hiya, is Rocky in?

Ricky?

No, he's not, he's at doctor's having his anal fistulas looked at.

You his girlfriend?

No.

In that case, do come in.

I'm Sue, his mummy.

Hi, Sue.

Yeah, so many girls come calling for my Ricky.

The fistulas are my way of testing 'em.

Oh, so he doesn't have them?

Oh, yeah, does, yeah.

He's got loads and loads of them, 70% fistula.

Ouch!

And he's not very fond of babies,

if you were thinking of having one with him.

Well, his whole brand is "guy who loves kids"?

He doesn't.

Hates them.

Right.

And he's gay, actually.

Won't go near a vulva, as much as I've tried to convince him.

DOOR CLOSES

Mummy!

- I've hurt my finger on the door again. - Oh, darling.

It's just there. Thank you.

What do you want? How did you find me address?

I paid someone at the library.

They don't give a shit about GDPR.

And I brought you this...

There's protein bars in there.

I mean, I don't know what you like, but assumed.

Oh, well, um... I'll leave you to it.

Yeah.

She seems lovely.

Well?

I came to apologise.

Yeah, you were way out of line.

- You were being sleazy. - Oh!

I wasn't being sleazy,

I was being poetic...

Ro... Romantic?

Neither of those, I'm afraid.

But I could have just said no.

Please come back to the library.

They all love you there.

Did they say that?

- That they love me! - Yeah.

Who said that?

Everyone.

Hmm. OK.

I suppose you think I'm pathetic, living with my mother?

No.

I live with my dad.

Yeah, not forever, though?

No, not forever.

I bet he doesn't lie about you having anal fistulas,

so that you never find a partner, and leave him.

Does he do that?

No.

He does not do that.

Can I have three singles to the nearest town, please?

- You need to download the app. - Oh, right...

- Oh, my fucking God, no! - It's a cashless system.

What would Bear Grylls do if he had to get the bus?

Bear Grylls doesn't get the fucking bus, Jackie!

- He'd pay with snails. - Oh, my God.

Can I pay you with snails?

How about you just take this,

and then, whatever's left you can have it for yourself?

Did you steal it?

- Yeah. - No.

- OK. - OK.

OK. OK.

Thanks. Here you go, eh?

How long does it take?

This is the stopping service.

Be there in about two hours.

Oh, no!

Oh, fucking no!

I'm really hungry.

Actually, son, I've got some berries in my pocket.

Don't eat the berries, Malcolm.

Well, if Malcolm ate the berries,

then the driver would have to call an ambulance

and that would take us back to Stockport.

You'd get us home...

..and that would make me proud.

HE RETCHES

Spit them out! Come on.

HE CHOKES

I am really sorry for not asking about Lance.

I know you are.

It's just been a tough few months.

Moving here, selling the house...

Rocky holds space for me.

Well, he's agreed to go back to the library

and I've got something which I think might help

make up for me being such a terrible friend?

Box of doughnuts and some Molly?

Nope.

A Rhyme Time Black Card.

CHERRY GASPS

Yep.

You can use it whenever you want.

No entrance fees.

No baby required.

Oh, my God! I didn't think these actually existed!

Use it wisely.

I'm going to use it all the fucking time.

It's not my fault, is it? I just couldn't hold it in,

and she wouldn't stop the bus.

OK, shut up.

According to the driver, the nearest town is over there.

JACKIE COUGHS

Are you all right, Dad?

- I'm fine. Stop fussing. - Hey, are you sure?

You look a bit pale. Unless, it's your tan finally rubbing off?

I said, "Stop fussing."

Always...fussing.

Cooking, doing me laundry, cleaning...

When did you ever see me CLEAN anything?!

It's like having another bloody wife! Pathetic!

Well, I just do those things to help you, don't I?

You could help me, Malcolm, by being more of a man.

That's all I wanted from today.

I'm going for a piss.

In a bush!

Come here.

Malcolm, at what point

are you going to tell him to go fuck himself?

Never.

As your bestest friend, I don't like seeing other people belittle you,

- especially not your father. - Aww, thanks, mate.

No! Just takes the shine off me doing it.

Just such a massive arsehole!

Hey, what are you doing?

You can't steal them.

We're not stealing these kayaks, Malcolm! They belong to me.

I don't think they do...

HE SHUSHES

They're mine.

They were mine all along.

Grab an oar, king.

We're going on a friendship adventure.

Dad?!

We'd be going faster if you could paddle, Dad.

I'm not paddling.

Yeah, and just how did you think we were going to get home, Jackie?

Steal a car?

Seduce a woman?

Get dropped off by a taxi near the flat and run off without paying?

That's... That's not a bad idea, actually.

Leave it to Malcy, and the day's a disaster.

Is that a phone...?

You had a phone the entire time?! Fucking hypocrite!

You're pathetic, Malcolm. No wonder Gemma wants out.

- What? - Yeah, 'course she does.

She might not say it, but she does.

Yeah, she only lets you live with her because she feels sorry for you,

- but nobody wants their kid's pity. - Jesus, Jackie, that's a bit harsh!

Yeah, I'm not interested in anything you've got to say either!

She deserves a lot better than being stuck with her useless dad.

You're in her way!

Fuck you, Jackie Moscrip!

You've been an awful father to me all my life!

Well, the little time you've spent in it anyway!

And you know what, I pity you.

Yeah, I pity you, living on your own,

conning everyone you come into contact with!

Your friends, your family, your girlfriends! Yeah!

Well, my kids want to be near me, because they like me.

Yeah, at least one of them does.

You know, I love you, Dad, but I don't like you.

So, if you want to be with us -

with me, and Gemma and Sadie,

then things have got to change, do you understand?

Hey!

WIND WHISTLES

Malcolm?

Dad?

Malcolm...

Dad!

Oh, fuck...

I love Rita, but I can't sweep up hair until the day she dies

when I'll finally get a go on the scissors.

Well, my career plan is to take Lance to the fucking cleaners.

- Cheating arsehole. - Good plan!

SHE CHUCKLES, MOBILE VIBRATES

Grandad?

Derek?

MALCOLM SOBS

I killed him...!

No, you didn't, Malcolm.

The paramedic said it was heart attack.

- Because I shouted at him. - No.

It...

You know what, silver lining,

he was probably already dead

before you dropped your long-withheld truth bomb.

- Well, that's even worse! - I know, that's terrible.

- Why would you say that?! - Pretend I didn't say...

Oh, Gem!

- I'm here. - Oh, God...

Oh...

What? I'm sad, as well!

I had to prise his fucking eyes open to unlock the phone!

Jesus Christ!

Thank you.

MALCOLM SOBS