Original subtitles

This is an ABC color presentation.

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet," starring

the entire Nelson family.

Here's Ozzie.

Here's Harriet.

Here's David.

Here's Rick.

Here they are, America's favorite family, the Nelsons.

Hello.

Hi, Oz. This is Joe.

- Oh, hi, Joe. - Are you alone?

- Well, yeah, I'm alone. - Good.

I want you to meet me right away.

Well, what's up?

I can't tell you, Oz.

It's a secret, but you gotta get right over here.

Where are you?

I can't tell you.

Now hurry up.

How am I supposed to meet you someplace

I don't know where you are?

I was not to tell anybody, but I'm over

at Ben's house in the garage.

OK, I'll be right there.

Good.

Make sure you're not followed and bring your checkbook.

What's going on over there, a floating crap game?

Now come on.

OK.

Joe? Ben?

Oh, hi, Oz.

Come on in.

What's going on? Where's Ben?

Oh, he's in the house packing some stuff.

They're moving, you know.

Yeah. What's that got to do with us?

Well, I just wanted you to see this pool table.

Isn't it a beauty?

Well, yeah, it's very nice.

But what's the big secret?

Well, if nobody else finds out about it,

I think we can steal it?

Steal it?

Well, no, no, I don't mean steal it like putting it

under your coat.

Ben isn't going to take it with him when he moves,

so it's up for sale for practically nothing.

Sure is a beauty.

Yeah, it's in good shape, too.

Be a shame to let somebody else grab it when you could buy it.

Me?

If you like it, why don't you buy it?

I would in a minute, but you know our house.

We just don't have enough room for it.

Well, neither do we.

Sure you do.

You have the boys' whole bedroom.

Well, we couldn't use that?

Why not?

Well, we've always kept that just in case the kids

wanna use it sometimes.

And when was the last time they used it?

Well, Rick stayed there the night before he got married.

Harriet's very sentimental about it.

She wants to leave it just the way it is.

I'm sure you could talk her out of that.

I don't know.

Well, why don't you talk Darby into buying it.

He likes to shoot pool.

Are you kidding?

Why should I walk clear down to the end of the block

to play when I could just walk across the street

to your house?

Counting on me, forget it.

Well, OK, Oz.

If you want to miss out on a great opportunity like this,

it's up to you.

7 ball of the quarter pocket.

Now how could I miss that?

You hit it too hard.

Hit it just hard enough to drop it in the pocket.

Well, I left it set up for you.

OK.

I'll play a combination here.

Oh, cut it too much.

I can see why you don't wanna have

a pool table in your house.

Be a little embarrassing to have Harriet

see you miss all these shots.

You could have made that shot I suppose.

Blindfolded.

Oh, that's a beautiful shot.

Line them up and kiss the ball-- a child

could make a shot like that.

Well, if you think you're so good, let's play.

Rack 'em up.

OK.

Oh, wait a minute, Oz.

Maybe we better not.

After all, the table belongs to Ben,

and we don't have his permission to play.

Well, he won't mind.

Well, you know how some guys are about their own property.

Hey, I'll tell you.

Why don't you make out a check, and if Ben comes in and catches

us, you can hand over the check and tell him

you're buying the table.

Do you wanna shoot pool, or do you wanna back out?

Let's go.

All right.

Hey.

Too easy.

That's 25.

Oh, well, go ahead, Oz.

You might as well finish them off.

Yeah, that was a lot of fun.

Yeah, looks like you win.

Here's your dollar.

You know, you're a much better player than I thought you were.

Oh, thank you.

You seem to have a natural talent for this game.

You really think so?

Oh, sure.

With a little practice, you could be great.

Well, I'd better be going.

You know, I think I will speak to Harriet about converting

the boys' bedroom.

We could put the pool table up there and have a lot of fun.

Attaboy, Oz.

I thought you might be interested to know

that I had already decided to do that before you threw the game.

Thanks very much for the dollar.

Come back here, you hustler.

Oh, there you are.

What are you doing?

Oh, I just had the broom here.

I was, you know, just kind of sweeping.

Does it need it?

Oh, no, no, no, I just happen to be up in the room here

kind of looking around.

Oh, yeah, a lot of wonderful memories here, aren't there?

Oh, yeah.

I think though it seems a shame to have a nice room like this

going to waste.

What do you mean going to waste?

Well, I mean it just seems a shame

not to be getting any use out of it.

Oh, yeah, I know what you mean.

Of course, I realize you like to keep it

the way it is in case the kids ever wanna use it.

Well, to tell you the truth, I think that's pretty unlikely,

don't you?

Oh, yes, I do.

In fact, I was a little afraid to mention it to you,

but I was just thinking the other day

it might be nice to change the furniture here and do something

with the room.

Well-- yeah, I think that's a great idea.

Good. Then why don't we do that?

I think it'd make a perfect guestroom.

Well or a game room maybe.

Yeah, that's an idea.

Yeah.

We could put a pool--

why don't we think about it.

OK.

OK.

Oh, hi.

Hi, Oz.

How did it go?

How did what go?

About the pool table.

Did you talk to Harriet?

Shhh, not so loud.

Oh, so you chickened out, huh?

No, no, I didn't chicken out.

Well, then how come you're whispering?

, Well I talked to her, and she agrees to do something

about the bedroom. Great.

Let's go get the pool table.

No, no.

I thought you said it was OK.

Well, yeah, she agrees to do something about the bedroom,

but I haven't exactly spoken to her about the pool table yet.

Well, why not?

If we wait any longer, it might be gone.

Well, those are the chances we'll have to take.

Gotta use a little finesse, you know.

Can't just walk in and say to your wife let's

change the children's bedroom into a pool hall.

OK.

Hey, I've got an idea.

Why don't you pull a Doc Williams.

Doc Williams? What's that?

Well, remember the time you wanted to buy that sports car

and he was afraid his wife wouldn't go for the idea?

Oh. Yeah, I think so.

Well, he just went down and got it and drove it home.

What could she say?

Well, as I recall among other things

she said to take it back.

Yeah, I suppose she did.

But look at it this way.

At least he had the fun of driving it both ways.

Yeah, but you can't drive a pool table.

You gotta carry it.

Oh, but it's such a beautiful table.

I'm sure she'd love it if she saw it.

You really think so?

Oh, sure.

Why don't you just put it up in the room

and surprise her with it?

You're be pretty daring with my marriage, aren't you?

How about it?

I'll have to think it over.

Hey, I told you you were chicken.

That's right.

I'm a happily married chicken, and I'd like to stay that way.

Hi.

Oh, hi, Clara.

Come on in.

How are you this morning?

Fine.

- You good for a cup of coffee? - Sure.

I'll get it for you. No, don't bother.

I'll get it. What are you drawing?

It's a layout of the boys' old room.

Ozzie and I have been thinking about redoing it.

Oh, that's a wonderful idea.

Make a perfect sewing room.

Well, yeah, but I saw it more as a guestroom,

and Ozzie seemed to go along with the idea.

Oh, yeah, that sounds good.

Can I help you decorate it? Sure.

Wonderful.

I love spending other people's money.

You know, I've been thinking.

I'd love to get back to antiques again.

You remember that beautiful old bed we saw downtown.

Oh, I sure do.

But if you got that, you'd have to redo the whole room.

Yeah, good thinking, huh.

Oh, beautiful.

And Ozzie really went along with this whole idea?

Well, he agreed that we ought to do something about the room.

Well, that's close enough.

When do you wanna get started?

Right now.

Let's go.

Harriet.

Harriet.

OK, fellas.

Easy does it.

Boy, that'll teach me to answer the phone

at the fraternity house.

Yeah.

Oh, this thing weighs a ton.

Keep going, fellas.

Lose your momentum.

Well, won't Mrs. Nelson be surprised

when she sees this upstairs.

Gonna be surprised to see it up there myself.

Just hold a second, will you, fellas.

We gotta get the beds out of here first.

Well, what the heck is this?

Hey, I don't know.

Was this your bed, David?

Not that I remember.

Well, I never seen this before.

Maybe you've taken in a boarder.

It was probably Harriet.

She said something about turning this into a guestroom.

A guestroom?

I thought this was going to be our game room.

- Well, that was my idea. - It was not.

It was my idea.

Well, OK, I mean, it was your idea.

Well, obviously it wasn't mom's idea.

What do we do with this?

Well, we throw it out and move in the pool table.

Yeah.

That's easy for you to say you can go home and be safe.

Well, what are you gonna be, a man or a mouse?

According to you, I'm a chicken.

The important thing right now is to hide the pool table.

If mom comes up here and finds it,

you're a dead duck or a chicken or whatever you are.

That's right.

Well, what are we gonna do with the pool table?

We gotta hide it someplace.

OK, let's go.

What are you doing?

I'm just testing this.

Harriet should happen to find the pool table,

I may be spending the night here.

What do you think?

I don't think it looks too bad at all.

In fact, it's a darn nice looking bed.

Yeah, I think so.

Well, it's safe and sound up in the attic, pop.

- Oh, good. - You get it all covered up?

Yes, sir.

Hey, when's mom coming back?

- I really don't know. - Well, come on.

Let's play a little pool.

We sure have earned it.

Don't you think that might be a little dangerous?

Oh come on, Oz.

Be a sport this may be my last chance to play pool here.

- I'm getting out of here. - What the heck.

I'll play. I don't live here anyway.

OK, somebody rack 'em up.

Oh, might as well join you.

I really don't think it's a good idea--

Harriet's liable to come along any minute.

Holy smokes, here she is now!

Well, I'll be seeing you, Oz.

No.

Come back here, you cowards!

Help me put this stuff together again.

Well, OK, but we gotta make it quick.

Hey!

Heck is this?

Ozzie!

Ozzie, are you home?

Am I here?

Of course, you're here.

Yes, he's here, Harriet.

Is that you, Joe?

Oh my gosh, Clara's coming up, too.

Just relax and act natural.

Joe!

What's the matter?

Put it away.

Are you up here?

Yes.

We're right up in the boys' bedroom.

What's that?

It's the ball returning.

- Hi. - Hi.

I see you've seen the bed. Were you surprised?

Oh, yes.

We sure were.

Well, we'll see you later.

Nice to see you.

I better be going, too.

Clara's probably home by now.

No, I'm right here.

Oh, well, what are you doing here?

Come on. Let's go home.

Oh, no, Harriet asked us to stay and have dinner.

Oh, good.

Let's go down and eat.

Wait a minute.

You didn't say anything about the bed.

Oh, well, it's very nice.

Oh, good.

I'm glad you like it.

Oh, and it's so soft.

What's the matter with you.

We don't want you to mess it up.

- That's right. - I don't think you like it.

Well, yes, I do.

Well, you don't seem very excited about it.

Oh, yeah, it's-- it's beautiful.

It's just that we're hungry, aren't we?

Not me.

Oh, yes, you are.

Oh, yes, I'm hungry.

Yeah, see, you're hungry.

OK, I'll go down and get dinner started.

You know, somehow that bed looks

longer than it did before.

Of course, Clara.

You don't have your high heels on.

Oh, that's right.

I forgot.

Maybe I ought to figure out a way

to tell her about it at dinner.

Oh, sure, if you can get a word in while

they're talking about lace curtains, antique tables,

and new wallpaper.

Maybe I ought to just tell the truth.

That's a fine defeatist attitude.

Sounds like you've given up.

Well, do you have a better suggestion?

Well, sure.

Instead of trying to talk her out of the guestroom,

let's get her interested in playing pool.

Oh, just like that.

Well, now wait a minute.

The women are starting to play pool these days.

They've got these family pool rooms all over the place.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Sure I am.

I understand there's a beautiful one just opened up

last week around the corner from the Emporium.

Well, OK, we'll take the girls down there right after dinner.

Who knows?

They may really get interested.

Well, come on before you chicken out.

Oh.

Now I'm a chicken again.

We just got a very interesting idea.

Oh, hold everything, Harriet.

They're gonna take us out to dinner.

No, no, that's--

I think it's a wonderful idea.

Sure, Oz, why not?

Why not?

Well, you know, a nice dinner, everybody's

happy and agreeable afterwards.

But then we wanna take you someplace after dinner.

That's right someplace very interesting.

Are you sure you're not up to something?

Of course not.

Well, they have dancing in the Moonlight Room, you know.

Well, that's-- that's not exactly what we had in mind.

Well, just exactly what did you have in mind?

Well, we thought maybe you'd like to go down

to a billiard academy.

A what?

A pool hall.

All that cigar smoke and gangsters?

No, no, no, there's no cigar smoke.

It's a nice family place.

Joe's been there.

No, I haven't been there.

I've just heard about it.

He's heard about see.

They're springing up all over town.

Everybody's playing pool these days.

It's really catching on.

Wait 'til you see.

You'll really enjoy it.

I doubt it.

What do you think?

Well, I don't suppose we could have dinner out

and just forget the pool hall.

No, it's-- it's a package deal.

See, what'd I tell you?

No smelly cigar smoke, no suspicious looking characters,

just a nice friendly atmosphere.

Thought you said this was a family place.

Well, it is.

Pretty swinging family if you ask me.

Good evening.

Oh, good evening.

Would you like a table?

No, we've eaten.

Clara, she means a pool table.

Yes, we would please.

Well, I think number nine is available.

Louise.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

Number nine please.

Right this way.

What kind of a pool hall is this?

I don't know. I'm as surprised as you are.

It looks pretty good though.

There you are.

The cues are over there.

If you need anything else, just call me.

My name is Louise.

Thank you very much.

Nice.

Very nice.

Now I can see why they wanted to come here.

Yeah, but why did they wanna bring us?

Honestly, girls, we just wanted to play a little pool.

We've never been here before.

Why don't you girls go on over and pick out a couple of cues.

Come on, Harriet.

Let's go arm ourselves.

Boy, this was a great idea.

, Yeah I kind of like it.

You kind of like it?

This is gonna make them hate pool and us, too.

Well, now that we're here, we might as well relax and enjoy

it.

Hey, wait a minute.

This may turn out to be just what we're looking for.

Yeah.

But not with the wives along.

No, no, no.

Listen to me.

This is perfect.

Now when the girls get back, just let me do all the talking.

Now let's get this over with.

No, no, no, no, wait a second girls.

You don't need these.

There's something I've gotta tell you.

Oz.

No, no, after all, honesty is the best policy.

It always pays to be truthful.

Truthful about what?

Well, we brought you down here for purely selfish reasons.

We're just hoping to get you interested in playing pool.

Oh?

See, there was a pool table for sale,

and I thought it might be nice if we bought it and put it up

in the boys' room.

But I've already bought the bed.

I didn't know you wanted a pool table.

I know.

That's why I say it was selfish on my part.

So just forget I even mentioned it.

But, Oz--

No, no, no, no, no, if Harriet wants

to make a guest room up there, she has a perfect right to.

After all, she doesn't want a shooting pool up there

every night.

Well, I could send the bed back.

No, no, no, that's OK.

Any time Joe and I wanna play pool,

we can just come down here and play without bothering you

girls. Yeah, that's right.

We can always come down here and play.

Do you need any help here?

Well, yes, I was just wondering if you

have any chart for these cues.

Oh, yes, here's some right over here.

Let me do it for you.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

Could you help me please?

Sure.

I seem to have forgotten how to hold the cue.

Is it like that?

Oh, no.

Here let me show you.

There.

Oh.

Yeah.

It's all coming back to me now.

Well, thank you very much.

Any time.

Go ahead.

I'll give you all you get on the break.

Hey, where are the girls?

I don't know.

Oh, well.

Oh, hi. Dave.

Hi, pop.

I hear mom gave in let's keep the pool table.

That's right.

She put up much of a fight?

No, she was very reasonable about it.

Well, play a little game?

Not right now, thanks.

Gee, for a guy who just got a nice pool table,

you don't seem very happy about it.

Oh, I'm happy.

Oh, sure you are.

What's a matter, pop?

Harriet!

What's this?

It's your mother's bridge club.

I understand they meet here every afternoon between 3:00

and 6:00 and on Tuesday and Thursday evenings.

You're kidding.

I wish I was.

Four ball in the center pocket.

Harriet, oh, a beautiful shot.

Getting better all the time, huh.

Oh, Harriet.

I'll trying for the hook.

Oh!

Yeah.

My wife the pool shark.

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