Original subtitles

This is an ABC color presentation.

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet," starring

the entire Nelson family.

Here's Ozzie.

Here's Harriet.

Here's David.

Here's Rick.

And also starring in tonight's episode, here's Kris.

Rick, would you get that?

OK.

Oh, hi Wally. Come on in.

Oh, thanks. Hi Kris.

Hi Wally.

You're just in time for dinner.

Oh really?

Well, now, who are you kidding?

I know.

You're having a nice little pot roast.

And it's your favorite and you found out about it.

Yeah, a friend of mine works down at the meat market.

He told me.

Well, come on and make yourself comfortable.

I've got a place all set for you.

You have? How'd you guess?

Your friend at the market phoned and warned me

you were on your way over. Oh.

You feeling all right?

Oh yeah, fine, why?

Well, you just look a little different, that's all.

Oh, it must be my new sport coat.

How do you like it?

Oh, looks fine.

Don't you think it's a little--

I mean, are you sure it fits all right?

Oh, of course it does.

The only thing I have to worry about is the--

I think you lost a couple of buttons.

Aw, doggone it, that's what I was afraid of.

I'll sew them on for you after dinner.

Oh thanks, but it's no use.

I just pop them off again the first time I laugh or sneeze.

Why don't you get a coat to fit in the first place?

Are you kidding? I tried.

They just don't seem to make clothes to fit

like they did when I was a kid.

I wonder why.

You don't know why? You know why.

And don't get familiar.

You should be able to get a coat that fits someplace.

Are you kidding? I tried.

If the shoulders fit, then the waist is too tight.

And if the waist fits, then the shoulders

hang down to my elbows. Can't you get one to measure?

Well, they're too expensive.

I'm just about getting by as it is.

It's pretty tough to buy any clothes at all

when you're going to college. I know that.

It just shows you how much you listen to me.

About what?

I showed you that order blank a couple of weeks ago.

What's that?

Oh, Kris got the address of a tailor in Hong Kong where

you can get your clothes made to order for practically nothing.

Well, that's great, but it's a pretty long swim to Hong Kong.

They send you the stuff.

You send them your measurements, and they send back

a suit made to order.

Got the order blank here someplace.

Well, come on, let's see it, huh?

He's not interested in that. Who says I'm not?

If it's cheap, I'm interested. Sure.

At least let me show it to him. Yeah.

OK, but in the meantime, I hope

you don't mind if I go get my dinner.

Just a second.

I don't think you ought to do that.

After all, I mean, I hate to see you eat alone.

Why don't you leave them there? I'll look at it after dinner.

You just pick out your material from here

and fill in the measurements.

Of course, there's a slight added charge

for unusual measurements.

There is.

What would a coat and a pair of slacks cost?

Well, that depends on the material.

But you could get them for around $30.

$30?

Well, that sounds pretty reasonable.

That must be just for the slacks.

No, that's for the coat and slacks or for a suit.

What are they made out of, rice paper?

No, they're all standard materials.

Here's one of worsted and here's of mohair.

Some are more expensive than others.

Exclusive tailors for ladies and gents.

Fong Fu's.

Getting interested, huh?

Well, I must admit, a sport coat and slacks for $30

sounds pretty good.

In fact, it sounds impossible.

Hey, listen, it might even be less than that.

We could get them for nothing.

If you want to go to jail.

No, no, listen.

For every 10 suits sold, you get one flee.

One flee?

That's what it says.

F-L-E-E.

Who needs 10 suits?

The guys at the fraternity.

All I'd need is nine more orders.

Nine? I thought you just said 10.

Well, yeah, 10 including yours.

You could use a new suit, couldn't you?

Wait a minute.

Why should you get the free suit?

I was the one who let you in on the deal?

Who did?

Well, OK, we did.

OK, I'll tell you what.

We'll get 20 orders and then we'll each get a free suit.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Then you two could become partners.

Sure, Nelson and Plumstead, suits made to order.

Put her there, partner.

Wait a second.

If I'm your partner, then I'm responsible for your debts.

Let's just call this a friendly business arrangement.

I'll settle for that.

He's a very cautious fellow, this husband of yours.

Well, his brother's a lawyer.

It's probably your dad.

He was going to stop by to borrow a card table.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I think I am.

- Hi, Kris. - Hi, Dad.

Come on in. I'll get the card table for you.

- Oh, thank you. - Oh, hi Mr. Nelson.

- Hi fellas. - Here, let me take your coat.

- I can't stay. - Oh, that's all right.

I got it.

What the heck are you doing?

Let's see.

Waist 46.

Wait a minute.

Waist 34.

No, no, hold it.

Try that again.

Waist 31.

No, I really don't think so, Rick.

Me either. I'll see you guys later.

I got a class. Just a second.

Show him the blue serge. Blue serge?

They haven't worn that since my father was in college.

It's coming back in style.

This tweed doesn't look too bad.

Good.

We'll put you down for a tweed coat.

Now we'll get you some slacks to match.

How about a nice cashmere coat for Shawn?

Cashmere?

What do you think I am, a millionaire?

Burlap is more my style.

Not at these prices. You want the best, don't you?

- No. - Sure you do.

You can afford it. Look at these prices.

They're ridiculous. Let me get some measurements.

Here, let me get your sweater.

What for?

What are you doing?

Oh, just getting a little deposit.

$5 for the coat and 5 for the slacks.

- What slacks? - To go with the coat.

Dark green slacks.

Look at me, honey, they'll go beautiful with your eyes.

Don't overdo it.

Which would mean that after taxes,

we would show a net profit of about 13%.

Did you say 13?

23.

Oh.

Was there a question?

Oh, no sir.

Yes, now we have already discussed the depreciation

factors.

We must bear in mind, however, that our net rentals must not

exceed 50% of our total income in order

to avoid being marked as a personal holding company.

Oh, yes, McWhirter?

Oh, yes sir?

Go ahead.

Could you repeat the question, please?

I say, what was your question?

Oh, too bad.

Glad to see you're trying, though, McWhirter.

Thank you, sir.

Class dismissed.

41.

41.

52.

Thanks a lot.

Miss Edwards, would you run off some copies

of this on the machine? OK.

How many? Oh, about 50.

50. Is that his waist size?

No, 30.

Oh.

Hold still, will you, Dave?

Come on, will you?

This is a law office, not a tailor shop.

Well, just a couple more measurements.

You'll be all set.

How about you, Miss Edwards.

You'll be getting married one of these days.

You may want to wear the pants in the family.

OK, we'll put you down for the brown sport coat

and the gray flannel slacks.

OK, fine.

Are you sure you don't want to order

another pair of those slacks?

You'll be wearing them around the office here quite a bit.

No thanks.

Speaking of the office, you're supposed to be working for me,

you know, not for Fu Fong or whatever his name is.

Oh, sure, OK.

Yeah?

Oh.

OK, tell him I'll be right out.

OK.

Well listen, Judge Willoughby is out there.

Let's at least pretend we've got a law office going here,

shall we?

Sure.

Chest, 42.

Chest, 42?

Did you put those measurements down on the order forms yet?

Well, I haven't had time.

I've got a report here that has to be

turned into marketing class first thing tomorrow morning.

But the sooner we send in the orders,

the sooner we get our suits.

Well, I realize that, but you don't want me

to flunk out of school, do you?

I'll be the best dressed dropout in town.

Why don't you just give me the notes?

I'll copy them down.

OK.

I've got them here someplace.

Here's Fred.

I think I left the rest of them on the desk.

Here's Charlie's.

And this is Al's.

And this is Jack's at the malt shop.

Naturally.

You guys send those orders in yet?

- Sorry, no refunds. - Relax, will you?

We just want to make a few changes.

Let's change the color of my coat.

My brother doesn't like green and he's paying for half of it.

OK, if we can find your order.

Well, you guys sure are organized?

Can't you come back later? I'm trying to get a report done.

I just want to change the color of the coat

from brown to charcoal with side vents instead of in the back.

OK, Rick, make a note of that, will you?

- OK, I got it. - Well, now, what about mine?

I want to change the color of my coat from green to plaid.

You know, that brownish plaid you showed me.

Well, I'll change it as soon as I find your order.

Hey, that's part of my report.

Oh, yeah, sorry. Plaid.

I'll remember. I hope so.

Let me have that.

I don't want it to get wrecked before I even hand it in.

Oh, I'll get that.

What is this, Grand Central Station?

Hey, you guys, I want my money back for those clothes.

Sorry, no refunds.

Well, if you don't have the money,

you better be out of town before the other guys hear about it.

- Hear about what? - The Dean wants to see you.

Something about a regulation against selling on campus

without written permission.

He's over at the house right now.

He sent me over to get you.

Well, don't look at me.

I didn't know about it.

Well, I forgot about it.

OK, OK, I just didn't think it was worth mentioning.

What are we going to do now?

Don't tell me all this has been for nothing.

- I want my money back. - Me too.

- And right now. - Now, just relax.

You'll get your money.

It's as safe as if it were in a bank.

It is, isn't it?

Of course, I've got it right here.

Now, now, fellas, fellas.

Now, wait a second.

At least give us a chance to go and talk to the Dean.

Maybe we can straighten it out. Well, OK.

For God's sakes, you act like you don't trust us.

Well, now that you mention it.

We have certain rules and regulations at the university

and they have been adopted for the protection of the students.

We don't want unsuspecting freshmen

buying phony oil stocks or campus uranium rights or seats

at the college library.

Yes, sir, we understand.

We wouldn't think of taking advantage of anybody, sir.

You should see the prices of these suits.

Actually, we're doing the guys a big favor.

Well, that's not the point.

This is a rule that was made to protect

the interests of the students, and it's my duty to enforce it.

What is the price of the suits?

$30 and $35, sir.

$30 and $35?

Well, I must admit, that's quite reasonable.

However, we do have a rule here.

Excuse me, sir, but this would be quite a disappointment

to the students who have ordered their suits in good faith.

Well, you men should have thought of that

before you started this.

How many orders do you have?

Oh, we're just one short.

That is, we have 19, sir.

I see.

Well, I'm sorry, but rules are rules.

And do you have any English tweeds?

Yes sir, beautiful tweeds.

Just take a look at these. Wally.

Oh, now now, Rick.

If the Dean wants a tweed, we can give him a tweed.

Although a cashmere would be very becoming.

Cashmere?

Yes sir, and very reasonable too.

If I might suggest sir, a brown cashmere coat

and these dark gray flannel slacks would go well together.

Wow, I didn't realize you had such broad shoulders, sir.

- Thank you. - Yes, sir.

You probably wouldn't want much padding.

I'll bet you do push ups too every morning, don't you, sir?

Look, Plumstead, you've made the sale.

Now, let's not overplay it.

I am probably one of the few people

you've ever met who is both thin and flabby at the same time.

My wife beat me in an Indian hand wrestle the other night.

Let's get on with it, shall we?

Relax, will you?

Everything's fine.

The order was just sent in a couple of days ago.

We'll let you know when they get here.

No, I don't know how long.

It may be a few days.

They're coming all the way from China, you know.

OK.

So long.

Another call about the suits, huh?

Yeah, boy, those guys sure are nervous.

Let's see.

Who hasn't called yet?

Hello?

Oh, hi Don.

Look, will you stop worrying about it?

Everything's fine.

Where'd you hear that?

No, I'm sure I would have heard about it.

Now stop worrying, OK?

So long.

What is it now?

Oh, he heard there was a typhoon heading

north from the Philippines.

He wanted to know if the clothes were insured.

What next?

Next we get an unlisted number.

That might not be a bad idea.

I'll sure be glad when this is over.

Rick.

Hi Wally, come on in.

- Oh, thanks. - What are you doing?

I just want to make sure I'm not being followed.

Look, if this is some gag to raid the icebox,

just turn on the lights and help yourself.

No, this is serious.

How can you think of my stomach at a time like this?

You know that report I did for marketing class?

Yeah.

Well, I mailed it to Hong Kong by mistake.

Hong Kong?

Yeah, to the tailor.

You mean you got it mixed in with the orders for the suits?

Well, no, not exactly.

I turned those in to Professor Higgins.

The orders for the suits?

Yeah, I got a B+ on them too.

I told you he never reads those reports.

Oh, that's all right.

We can still mail the orders in.

They'll be a little late, that's all.

It's not quite as simple as that.

What do you mean?

Well, I didn't do everything wrong.

I may have turned the suit orders in to the professor,

but I sent the money to the right place, Hong Kong.

Along with your marketing report?

I'm afraid so.

Well, you had a return address on it, didn't you?

I wish you hadn't asked me that.

You mean you didn't?

Unfortunately not.

In other words, Fong Fu Incorporated

are going to get a bundle of money

and they won't even know where it came from.

- Shh, not so loud. - What do you mean not so loud?

What do we tell the guys at the fraternity?

What about Dean Hopkins and Judge Willoughby

and your father? Shh, not so loud.

What time is it now?

I think it's about 1:30.

Well, it's way past my bedtime.

Me too.

I still think you could just mail the orders to him.

That'd take too long.

He might not be able to connect the money with the orders.

You know what I'm afraid of?

Those Chinese love to gamble.

For all we know, he may have lost a whole boodle on Mahjong

by now.

You're not going to do any good sitting

around talking about it.

If you're going to phone him, go ahead.

OK.

I'm just trying to figure out what to say.

Well, here goes.

Make it short.

Hello, operator.

I'd like to place a long distance call to Fong Fu

Tailors in Hong Kong.

That's in China.

Hello, my name is Rick Nelson.

I'm calling from the United States.

Is there anybody there who speaks English?

Oh yes, Fong Fu speaking.

May I help you? Yes, sir.

You see, we intended to order some suits from you

and we sent an envelope with a money order in it,

but we forgot to put the suit orders in the envelope.

I was wondering if you received it.

This may be difficult to determine.

We receive a substantial volume of mail from the United States.

Could you identify the parcel further?

Can you identify the package?

Well, the marketing report had my name on it.

Hello, there was a marketing report in the envelope

and it had Wally Plumstead on it.

No, no, I had the last name first, Plumstead, Wally.

Just a second.

That was Plumstead Wally.

Hello?

I say the marketing report in the envelope

had Plumstead Wally on it.

What kind of jelly?

No, not jelly.

Plumstead Wally.

Hello?

Are you still there?

Oh yes sir, but could you tell me please

what is a Plumstead Wally?

Well, that is Wally Plumstead.

That's the name of the guy who sent the letter.

Plumstead Wally, Wally Plumstead.

Oh yes, Mr. Wally.

Well, anyway, the money that was sent

should have been accompanied by an order for 22 suits.

22?

22 suits from USA.

Listen to this.

Hey, how about that?

Do you realize what this is costing you?

Excuse me, sir.

Sir?

I just wanted you to know we're sending the measurements

and the suit orders by airmail.

I assure you, I will give it my personal attention.

Oh, good. Thanks a lot.

You're welcome.

Goodbye.

Holy smoke.

I'd better stop number one son before he blows all that money

at the racetrack.

- Hi. - Hi, Kris.

I don't believe it. They finally arrived, huh?

Yeah, I can hardly wait to see them.

Me either. Have any trouble getting them?

Just one minor complication.

What was that?

A slight import duty of $140 the boys forgot about.

$140?

Where'd you get it?

What do you suppose I'm doing here?

Pop bailed us out.

Don't worry, Mr. Nelson. We'll get it from the guys.

Well, they might not be too happy when they find out

they owe another $7 apiece.

Well, they'll have to pay it.

No money, no suit-y.

Open the box and see what they look like.

Hey, they look great.

Here's yours.

Let me see.

Here's yours, Rick.

Oh, thanks Pop.

- Why don't you try them on? - Don't go away.

We'll be right back.

Have you got a tie I can borrow?

Yeah, sure.

How do you like it?

Hey, great.

Look, it fits and no buttons pop off.

Oh, they fit beautifully.

And the tailoring is very nice.

Much better than I expected.

Well, that's debatable.

No.

That can't be yours, Dad.

It must be some mistake.

Well, here's my name on the order blank

and this is the material I ordered.

Well, it certainly isn't your pants length.

Well, how could that be?

Ours fit perfectly.

This is great.

You put the measurements in the wrong space.

You got his chest measurements mixed up

with the sleeve length.

What about the pants?

I don't know.

That must be his hat size.

Well, I'm sure sorry, Mr. Nelson.

Oh, that's OK.

I guess you'd call these long shorts.

Imagine walking along the beach.

Yeah, especially at high tide.

Well, this has Greg's name on it,

but it sure doesn't have his shoulders.

You mean he goofed up another one?

Oh boy.

This is Judge Willoughby's.

Looks like somebody shot a couch.

Well, wait till Dave hears about this.

I think you guys are in for a lot of trouble.

How could you get everything so mixed up?

Well, I was writing them down so fast

and I was worrying about that report I was working on.

Besides, they're not all wrong.

Yours and mine fit perfectly.

Because I was the one who measured ours.

Besides, that makes it look worse.

Ours are the only ones that fit.

Well, you're just going to have to make good or give

everybody his money back.

Look, maybe we better not tell anybody the clothes are here.

At least not until we figure something out.

I wonder who that is.

It's probably the Better Business Bureau or the bunco

squad.

Oh, well, it could be some of the guys from the house.

Why do you say that?

Unfortunately, I think I put a notice up

on the bulletin board.

You mean you asked them to come over here?

- Well, yeah. - Great.

We gotta get this stuff out of sight.

Got to get your father out of sight too.

- Hi. - Hi, Kris.

Well, let's see the clothes.

Oh, hey, pretty nice.

Oh, thanks.

Well, if you like a perfect fit.

Well, come on. Let's see our stuff.

Well, now don't get excited, but there's a slight problem.

What kind of problem?

Well, uh, you tell them.

There's an import fee we forgot to mention.

It's about $7 apiece.

- $7? - You never told us about that.

- I refuse to pay it. - Me too.

Well, you've got to.

We owe it to my father.

Your father?

What's he got to do with it?

Well, I advanced the money.

Oh, I imagine you're wondering about the suit I'm wearing.

It's, I--

I don't understand it.

I ordered charcoal gray.

Well, if the law business goes bad, judge,

you can always become a racetrack cow.

I suppose this could be made into a vest.

Get a load of this.

Well, at least you don't have to worry about any shrinkage.

May I make a suggestion?

You know, I wouldn't be at all surprised,

Greg, if that coat that Dean Hopkins is wearing

would fit you.

Yeah, you might be right, Mrs. Nelson.

And I kind of like that material too.

Well, try it on.

If it fits, you're welcome to it.

For $25, of course.

Of course.

Hey, this is great.

You got a deal.

As soon as I can get rid of this one.

Hey, let me try that on.

OK.

How about this one, Dean Hopkins?

Try this one on. Oh, thank you.

Oh, that's fine.

That'll press out.

Yes, that does fit very nicely, doesn't it?

Mr. Nelson, those look like they might fit me.

You're welcome to try them.

Come on into the closet.

Here's the last of the duty money, Mr. Nelson.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, you look pretty jazzy there.

- Jazzy? - Oh, thanks.

You look pretty sharp yourself.

Oh, thank you.

- I hope everybody's happy. - Are you kidding?

It worked out great. Sure did.

- So long, fellas. - See you later.

Boy, we sure are lucky to get out of that one.

You're not kidding.

Yeah, I was worried for a while,

but it worked out beautifully.

Yeah, everybody seems to be happy.

That's all according to how you look at it.

Oh, look at those the two free outfits.

At least the price is right.

Let me try your coat on. It looks like it might fit me.

No, no, this is fine. I like it.

That's no fair. I saw him first.

You guys have got your own coats.

More than one ballplayer has been

so sure he's good that he starts missing easy catches.

It's like that with driving a car.

The National Safety Council says a really good driver never

takes anything for granted.

He expects the unexpected and is prepared to react fast.

Drive as though your life depended on it.

It does.

And so do the lives of others.

Live up to the rules.

Drive carefully and courteously too.

For your own protection, insist on strict law enforcement.

When traffic laws are obeyed, deaths go down.