Original subtitles

This is an ABC color presentation.

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet," starring

the entire Nelson family.

Here's Ozzie.

Here's Harriet.

Here's David.

here's Rick.

Here they are, America's favorite family, the Nelsons.

- Hi. - Oh, hi, Wally.

What brings you down here?

Oh, I just thought I'd stop by.

I got a present for you.

Have one.

Oh, thank-- Wait a minute.

If you've got any notes or a book report for me to type,

I'm too busy.

Oh, no, for goodness sake, nothing like that.

Just thought I'd ask.

Oh, would you mind not taking one of those.

They're my favorites. Oh.

Well, how about this one? Oh, sure.

Any place from here over.

Thank you.

Oh, hiya, Rick.

You're just the man I'm looking for.

- Hi, Wally. - I got a present for you.

No, thanks, not while I'm working.

Oh, you don't know what you're missing.

They're awful nice. Mm, he's right.

Well, I hope you won't feel offended

if I view your generosity with a certain degree of suspicion.

What's that mean?

It means what kind of free legal advice

are you looking for?

Well, makes you say a thing like that?

Well, the last time you came over here with a box of candy

you wanted to sue Ginger for breach of promise.

And the time before that you wanted to charge your chemistry

professor with mental cruelty.

No, this is serious.

It's about a traffic ticket.

Well, why don't you just pay the $10 or whatever it is?

No.

I want some real legal advice, not just from a law clerk.

- Oh, thanks a lot. - Where's David?

He's in his office, but he's busy right now.

Well, that's OK.

This will only take a second. OK.

I'll tell him you're here.

Oh, wait a second.

Don't forget this.

Hey, what's Wally want this time?

The usual, free legal advice.

He got a traffic ticket.

Tell him to pay the $10.

I already tried that.

Look, I'm awful busy. Can't you handle it?

Well, I already tried that, too.

He wants to see a real lawyer.

Is that the same box of candy he usually brings in?

I thought we finished that off.

It does look a little picked over.

Well, tell him I'll take the case,

but I want a retainer of $100.

$100?

What do you want to do, kill him?

You could throw him into a small panic for $0.50.

OK.

Send him in.

OK, come on in.

Oh, thanks.

Hi, Dave. Hi, Wally.

This will only take a minute.

I mean, I realize you're busy and all.

Oh, did you have some candy?

Oh, no thanks.

I understand you've got a little traffic ticket problem.

Oh, that's right.

I hate to sound mercenary, but this is a business office.

I'm going to have to charge you a nominal fee of $5.

Oh, $5?

Right.

Oh, well, see you later, Wally. Now, wait a minute.

It's worth it.

I mean, if you want a good lawyer,

you have to pay top prices.

Here you are, Dave.

- Are you sure? - Of course, I'm sure!

When you're the victim of a miscarriage of justice,

which is exactly what happened to me, you've got to fight it.

You have no alternative. OK.

Sit down. Let's hear about it.

Well, thank you.

Well, here's what happened.

I went through this stop sign.

I admit that.

But it wasn't my fault.

Go ahead.

Well, I couldn't see the stop sign.

What do you mean you couldn't see it?

It was there, wasn't it?

Well, yeah, but there was an ostrich standing

in front of it.

- OK, here you are. - Oh, wait a minute!

You sound like the cop that gave me the ticket.

I tell you I couldn't see the sign

because there was an ostrich standing in front of it.

At least my own lawyer ought to believe me.

Well, start from the beginning, will ya

OK.

I was driving down Mentone Street,

minding my own business, when suddenly a big bear loomed up

in front of my car.

I turned the wheel quickly and just missed him.

A bear?

Well, as it turned out, it wasn't a bear,

but it certainly looked like one.

It was a big, shaggy dog.

OK.

You almost ran into a bear, which

turned out to be a shaggy dog.

Then what happened?

Well, when I reached the corner of Mentone and Farragut,

there was this ostrich standing on the corner

with a baby bonnet on its head.

So naturally I kept right on going.

I mean, I didn't want to get involved.

Did you explain this to the officer?

I mean, about the ostrich?

Yeah.

It's lucky you weren't arrested for drunk driving.

Oh, no, I had no trouble blowing up the balloon at all.

Weren't there any witnesses?

Just Charlie.

Charlie who?

The shaggy dog.

His name was on his collar.

There's no chance he's a talking dog, is it?

Come on, Rick.

This is serious!

Well, what do you say, Dave? What do I do?

Well, my advice, pay the fine.

Here's your $5 back. Oh, no, you don't.

I want to go to court and fight this thing through to a finish.

Well, of course a man is innocent

till he's proved guilty.

Oh, yeah, but he admits he went through the stop sign.

Well, yeah, but he also claims that the ostrich

was obstructing his view.

I'll admit it sounds ridiculous just to say it.

And don't forget that's something he has to prove.

And apparently he's the only one who saw it--

he and Charlie.

Who's Charlie?

I'm glad you asked me that.

He's the shaggy dog.

Oh.

I'd forgotten about him.

Do you think he'll make a good witness?

Well, he might help a little if we pull on his ears.

Well, tell me this.

Do you believe Wally's story?

Oh, I believe he believes it.

I also believe that nobody else is going to believe it.

Well, of course, I don't have to remind you

that he's entitled to have his case presented

to the best of your ability.

After all, he is your client.

Yeah, all $5 worth.

Oh, by the way, Pop, I'd appreciate it

if you wouldn't mention this to anybody.

It's not exactly the kind of case we specialize in.

Dave.

Oh, hi, Eddie.

This is my father, Eddie Benson.

He works for the law firm across the hall from us.

Nice to know you.

Hey, I heard about the big case you're handling.

I just wanted to congratulate you.

Oh, you mean the Harrison Construction Company?

Oh, no, I mean the big ostrich case.

Where'd you hear about that?

Well, I'm not sure it's ethical to reveal

the source of my information.

But my wife's cousin has a sorority sister

who has a boyfriend named Wally Plumstead.

And I believe he mentioned something about it.

Figures.

Naturally, I was a little disappointed

we didn't land the case over at our office.

But those are the breaks.

Well, maybe I can work something out.

Oh, no, thanks just the same, but I wouldn't hear of it.

After all, this is an opportunity every young lawyer

dreams about.

I can only wish you the best of luck.

Well, thank you for your kind words.

Well, nice to have met you, Mr. Nelson.

Thank you.

And I'll be reading about your case in the papers, Dave.

Oh, I'm sure you will.

And may the first robin of spring fly up your nose.

It looks like the word's gotten around.

Yeah, well, we get the reputation

of being the best ostrich lawyer in town.

Well, don't knock it.

Think what the monkey did for Clarence Darrow.

Rick, would you file this for me, please?

Yeah.

Kelly and Nelson.

Oh, yes, Mr. Delaney.

Just a moment. Mr. Delaney.

- Jim Delaney? - Yeah.

Wonder what he wants.

He's on the Entertainment Committee

for the Bar Association dinner Friday night, I think.

Who told you that?

It seems to me I read it in the paper.

I'll take it inside.

Mr. Delaney, he'll be right with you.

Hi, Jim.

What's on your mind?

Oh, yeah, Rick mentioned that.

A speech?

Thanks anyway, Jim.

I think I'll pass it up.

OK.

Bye.

He wants you to help out with the entertainment?

He wants me to give a speech.

What about?

About the care and feeding of ostriches.

Sounds like you're becoming quite a celebrity.

I'd sure like to buy back my introduction to Wally.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Be careful.

He's in a pretty bad mood.

Thanks for the warning.

What's that?

I don't know.

It just arrived. Go on.

Open it.

"Best of luck from the United Ostriches of America."

Pretty funny.

Well, maybe not.

I think we'd all better get back

to work before we die laughing.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir, I'll be sure and tell him.

Goodbye, Judge.

That was Judge Willoughby.

What did he want?

Oh, nothing.

What do you mean nothing?

You'll be sure and tell me what.

Well, apparently he's heard about the case.

That figures.

What did he say?

Are you sure you're ready for this?

Probably not, but tell me anyway.

He said not to be chicken.

But if this ostrich case turns out to be a turkey,

you'd better duck, or your goose will be cooked.

Nothing funnier than a corny judge.

Careful, this place may be bugged.

It'd serve them all right if I took the case and won it.

Without any witnesses or any evidence?

OK.

I hereby assign that job to you.

What job?

- You're going to find some. - Me?

That's right.

You better get on it right away.

Well, I'm not even sure I know what an ostrich looks like.

I have a general idea.

OK.

Let's get back to work, shall we, on something else?

I don't want to hear another word about ostriches.

Have you got Henderson contracts ready yet?

I'll bring them in to you.

- What's that? - Nothing.

Miss Edwards.

You're treating me like a hostile witness!

Well, you want to win the case, don't you?

We're just trying to shake up your memory a little.

Now, think hard.

You sure nobody else was around when you got the ticket?

I told you, just Charlie.

Charlie?

That's a dog.

Oh, wait a second.

There was this good-looking blonde.

Blonde? What blonde?

- Haven't I told you about her? - No.

Well--

Well, just a small bite.

Are you sure you're not making this up just to get the pie?

No, honest!

Well, did you get her name or a phone number or address?

No, all I know is she was wearing tight stretch pants

and was getting a lot of whistles.

Well, who are the guys that were whistling at her?

Maybe they saw the ostrich.

Well, she was getting a lot of whistles,

but there was only one guy, me.

Wait a second!

It's pretty obvious what happened.

This good-looking blonde was walking by,

and he turned to whistle at her and ran through the stop sign.

I did not! That's not the way it happened!

I tell you there was this ostrich standing

in front of the sign.

He was blocking it, and I couldn't see it.

That's the truth, the whole truth, and nothing

but-- the ice cream is melting, Mrs. Nelson.

OK.

This is scene of the crime, right?

I tell you there wasn't any crime.

OK.

The scene of the alleged traffic violation.

Now, let's hear the story right from the beginning.

Well, I was coming down this way.

And the blonde was over here someplace.

And the ostrich was standing right here, blocking the sign.

Look, I'm on your side, and I'm trying to believe you.

But how could an ostrich block the sign?

It's too high.

Well, they're big birds, you know.

They've got those long legs and that great, big body.

Yeah, but the body's not high enough to cover the sign.

Well, sure it is.

It was standing on the bench like this.

I suppose it's possible.

Oh, hi, boys.

Say, have you fellas seen an ostrich in the neighborhood?

I guess they haven't.

Yes?

Oh, pardon me, but last Thursday

about 3:30 in the afternoon, did you

happen to notice an ostrich standing down

by the stop sign at the corner? Thank you.

I've got all the magazines I need.

I don't think she saw it.

- Yes? - Pardon me.

We'd like to ask you a couple of questions, if you don't mind.

Of course.

Is this one of those surveys?

- Oh, not exactly. - Oh.

Well, why don't you come on in anyway.

I was just having some tea and cookies.

Really?

Oh, thanks just the same.

That's very nice of you.

But we'd just like to ask you a few questions.

Well, if it's about the freeway going through here,

I'm definitely opposed to it.

You're not in favor of it, are you?

Oh, no, ma'am.

That's good.

Do you have a petition or something you want me to sign?

Well, no, actually, I don't know too much

about the freeway situation.

Well, they're trying to have the whole area rezoned and run

the freeway right across Park Street, which would just

destroy the entire neighborhood.

Well, yes, I can see that.

It was bad enough when they put up all those

dreadful-looking apartment houses on Poplar Street.

And then they built the airport right out here.

Sometimes it sounds like those jets are coming right

through the roof.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You said you had a petition you wanted me to sign?

No, I just wanted to ask you a question about an ostrich.

Oh.

Forgive me for laughing.

My hearing isn't what it used to be.

It sounded as if you said you wanted to ask

me a question about an ostrich.

Well, I know it sounds silly, but that's what I did say.

You did?

Yes.

You see, I represent this law firm.

And one of our clients claims he saw an ostrich

on the corner of Mentone and Farragut the other day.

You're putting me on.

No.

He was standing on the bench over by the stop sign.

You didn't happen to see him?

No, I'm afraid I didn't.

That reminds me, did you ever hear

the story about the old lady who saw the elephant

in the cabbage patch?

I don't think so, no.

Well, there was this old lady, and she lived in the country.

And she had a cabbage patch in the backyard.

Oh, pardon me.

There goes my phone. Now, don't go away.

I'll be right back.

Pardon me.

I know this sounds like a silly question,

but you didn't happen to see an ostrich around here, did you?

An ostrich?

Yes, sir, a large ostrich.

It was a couple of days ago, and he was over by the stop sign.

This was in the daytime?

That's right, last Thursday afternoon to be exact.

No, I'm afraid not.

I make it a point not to do any drinking during the daytime.

Everyone's talking about that.

I remember one night I saw rhinoceros

running down the street here.

But that was New Year's Eve.

You know something?

My wife doesn't believe that till this day.

But I swear I saw it just as plain as the nose

on your face, a rhinoceros, a large, full-grown rhinoceros.

- Thank you. - OK.

Any time.

This isn't an ostrich. It's you.

Yeah, but that's where the ostrich was standing.

And it shows that it's possible.

You'll notice that I'm obscuring the sign.

Yeah, but it also shows my client standing

on a bench making like an ostrich.

I guess it wouldn't be such a good idea

to show this in court.

What happened to that blonde you were supposed to have seen?

Well, I couldn't find her.

Nobody saw her either.

Well, this is great.

We got a beautiful case.

We got a dog that can't talk, a blonde we can't find,

and an ostrich nobody else has seen.

Well, what's your next move, counselor?

I don't know, but it better be a good one.

Practically every lawyer in the building

will be there to see the performance.

Well, I'm sorry to put you to all this trouble, Dave.

But I really did see an ostrich. Believe me.

I'm telling you the truth.

I believe you.

Gone this far.

I might as well see it through.

Well, I sure appreciate it.

That's OK.

I'll probably be the first attorney in history

to throw himself on the mercy of the court.

So long, Dave.

See you later.

There's nothing in the paper here about Dave going to court.

When is that, anyway?

This afternoon.

Oh, it'll probably be in tomorrow's paper.

Yeah, in the funny session.

Poor Dave.

I wish we could do something to help him.

Yeah.

Hey, Tickle Feather.

Tickle Feather? What are you talking about?

Well, she's an exotic dancer.

She's appearing at the Bijou.

Well, good for her, but what's that got to do with anything?

Well, she's a blonde.

Oh, well, that makes a difference.

No, no.

Who do you think works in the act with her?

I don't know.

Who?

Fifi La Plume.

Fifi La Plume?

Are you ready for this?

Fifi La Plume is an ostrich!

OK.

She's an ostrich.

No, no, don't you see?

Wally said he saw a blonde with an ostrich.

Now, how many blondes do you know with ostriches?

None.

How many do you know?

Well, that's not the point.

This is just what David's looking for.

Who are you calling?

The Bijou Theater.

How come the number?

Well, it's right in the paper there.

Just thought I'd ask.

Oh, hello.

I'd like to reach Miss Tickle Feather.

Is it convenient for her to come to the phone?

Oh, well, you don't have her home number, do you?

This is perfectly legitimate.

My wife is right here.

Oh.

Well, OK.

What'd they say?

Well, there's no way to reach her

until she gets to the theater.

What time is that?

1 o'clock for the matinee.

What time do the boys go to court?

1:30.

Doesn't give me much time.

What do you mean?

Well, I've got to get down to the theater.

I'll catch her in her dressing room.

Not without me you won't.

Oh.

It's the first door to the right.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

You're welcome.

Gee, I don't know.

Do you think this is a good idea?

Don't ask me. I just came along to chaperone.

Well.

Come in.

Hi!

Hi.

Miss Tickle Feather?

That's right.

Well, my name is Nelson.

And this is my wife.

- How do you do? - Hi.

Would you like to sit down?

Oh, no thanks.

We'd like to ask you a few questions, if you had time.

May I see your badge?

Oh, no, we're not the police.

We're not the fuzz or anything like that.

We're just trying to help a friend who

got a traffic ticket.

A friend?

Somebody I know?

No, I don't think so.

You see, my son is a lawyer.

And this young man is his client.

And he was driving down Mentone Street,

and he went through a stop sign on Mentone and Farragut.

And he claims the sign was obscured by an ostrich.

Wait a second, was that last week?

Yeah, Thursday, I believe.

Do you remember it?

Yeah, that must be the same guy who honked the horn

and whistled at me.

He scared my poor Fifi to death.

Oh, that sounds like Wally.

He made poor Fifi so nervous that she laid an egg

at the next performance.

And I mean a real egg.

Oh.

Gee, well, I'm awfully sorry.

We'd really appreciate it if you could help us.

Well, what would you like me to do?

Well, see, you're the only one who

can prove that an ostrich was really hiding the stop sign.

And we were wondering if you could appear in court

and testify.

In court?

Well, just as a witness.

Well, I don't know.

I always get so nervous.

You know, you're sitting up there

with all those people staring at you,

and you got all your clothes on.

Oh, no, no, see, it isn't that kind of a court.

It's just a traffic court.

I'm sure it'll be very simple.

And there might be some good publicity in it.

Hey, that's right.

You know, helping a college man prove his innocence.

Hey, I like that!

Do you think I'll get my picture in the paper?

Will there be any photographers there?

Well, sure, there are always reporters and photographers

around the courtroom.

Only thing, though, I'm on in 45 minutes.

Well, you can make it if you hurry.

It's just a few blocks from here.

OK, I'll be right with you.

An ostrich?

Yes, sir.

I know this sounds like a rather unusual set of circumstances.

It certainly does.

Did anybody else see this ostrich?

Just Charlie.

Now, now, just a minute.

Who's Charlie?

Is he in the court?

Oh, no, sir.

He's a dog.

Now, let me get this straight.

There was a dog and an ostrich.

Yes, sir.

But the fact that the dog was there is obviously irrelevant.

Unfortunately, my client doesn't have any corroborating

witnesses.

But we submit that he's a man of great integrity.

Personally, I believe he's telling the truth.

I've known him for many years.

Well, I appreciate your confidence in your client.

But you must admit it's a pretty crazy story he's telling here.

Did you ever see an ostrich roaming around the streets?

Well, no, sir, but it is possible.

Your Honor, please.

I think we have a hostile witness.

That's her and the ostrich!

Case dismissed.

Frat man?

Well, that's pretty close.

They're just not very good at spelling.

Well, anyway, I want to thank you, Dave.

You're a good lawyer.

I really didn't think you could do it.

Well, I didn't think I could do it either.

You can thank my mother and father.

Well, actually, you can thank old Dad here.

He's the one who reads the burlesque ads.

I'm not sure just how much this

is going to add to your legal prestige, Dave.

It is a little bizarre, shall we say,

to win a case by having an exotic dancer

and her bird come parading down the aisle of the courtroom.

You're just too conservative, Pop.

I'll bet you this case wins us a whole bunch of new clients.

Dave, I'm afraid he's right.

- What do you mean afraid? - Just take a look outside.

There's a whole flock of them waiting for you right now.

Oh, boy.

Your kind of lovin' is my kind of love.

And my kind of lovin' is your kind of love.

And your kisses, they're so thrillin'.

And when you hold me, you know I'm willing.

'

Give your love to me now.

I don't have to tell you what's on my mind.

Bud-duh-duh-buh.

'Cause, baby, you know we're two of a kind.

Bud-duh-duh-buh.

You've got something I want, and I want it so bad.

Bud-duh-duh-buh.

Come on, come on.

Give me all the lovin' you have.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Your kind of lovin' is my kind of love,

and my kind of lovin' is your kind of love.

And your kisses, they're so thrillin'.

And when you hold me, you know I'm willin'.

Give your love to me now.

Girl, it's time that you stop shying away.

Bud-duh-duh-buh.

Yeah.

Stop listenin' to what the others all say.

Bud-duh-duh-buh.

Yeah.

Doo-doo.

Girl, you're out of sight.

Girl, you're out of sight.

We'll do it up right.

We'll do it up right.

Let me hold you tight.

Let me hold tight.

Oh, tonight's the night.

Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah.

You're kind of lovin' is my kind of love.

And my kind of lovin' It's is kind of love.

And, oh, I need you lovin', baby, uh-huh, so bad.