Original subtitles

This is an ABC color presentation.

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet," starring

the entire Nelson family.

Here's Ozzie.

Here's Harriet.

Here's David.

Here's Rick.

Also starring in tonight's episode.

Here's June.

Good morning.

Hi.

Oh, careful. Those muffins are hot.

They just came out of the oven.

Oh, yeah.

You look very nice.

You're all dressed up this morning.

Thank you.

I think a wife ought to make a special effort to look nice

at the breakfast table.

Makes for a happier marriage, don't you think?

I sure do.

Besides, I'm driving you to work this morning.

I need the car.

I figured there must be some good reason.

You mean I don't always looking

real nice in the morning?

Oh, yeah, sure.

I meant the muffins, they're great.

Well, they're not really that good.

Oh, don't be so modest.

Believe me, nobody makes homemade muffins like you.

And these are just about the best you've ever made.

They are the best.

I bought those at the market.

Really?

Yes, really.

Well, they must have stolen your recipe then.

If you want to sue them, I'll be your lawyer.

Never mind.

I thought you liked my muffins, I mean, the ones I really make.

Well, I do.

You just like muffins.

You can't tell mine from the ones I buy at the store.

Oh, wait a second.

No, these are definitely not as good as the ones you make.

It was the butter that had me fooled.

And don't tell me you bought this butter at the store.

I didn't?

No, you didn't.

You can't fool me, you sly little minx.

- I can't? - No, you can't.

You got up at 4 o'clock this morning

and went out to the barn and milked old Nelly.

Who?

Old Nelly, our cow.

And with your own little hands and arms and muscles

you churned and churned and made this delicious butter

and then even put this little paper on it just to fool me.

Oh, you're just too smart.

Well, what are you gonna do?

You really don't like these muffins?

I hate 'em.

Now give me another one and I'll put a lot of butter on it.

Hi, can I help you?

I'm afraid so.

I've got a flat and I just don't know the first thing

about fixing it.

I thought maybe you could call the fire department or the Red

Cross or whoever it is you call.

That's OK.

I can change it for you.

Oh, I couldn't let you do that.

You'll get your clothes all dirty.

Oh, don't worry about that.

I'll be careful.

Well, I'd certainly appreciate it.

I was afraid I was going to be late for work.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

You're Monica Londonberry, aren't you?

Well, yes, I am.

I thought so.

I never miss your television show.

I'm one of your biggest fans.

Well, thank you.

That's always nice to hear.

Oh, Dave, this is Monica Londonberry.

Oh.

Well, I guess he's not one of my biggest fans.

She has a morning television show.

Oh, yes, it seems to me I've heard about it.

It's one of those conversation shows.

I give advice to housewives and discuss domestic problems.

Sometimes we get a little controversial.

Oh, sure.

I've heard June speak about it. Oh, that's me.

I'm June Nelson.

And this is my husband Dave.

Well, it's nice to know you.

Nice to know you.

I just can't tell you how much I enjoy your show.

Thank you.

June Nelson, didn't you send me a letter once?

No, but I'm liable to any day now.

What do you think of a husband who can't even

tell his own wife's cooking?

Did you have any special husband in mind or can

I answer that? No, I mean it.

You'd think after four years of marriage

he'd be able to tell the difference,

even if he didn't like it.

Careful how you answer that.

Remember I'm changing your tire.

He's got a good point there.

And he's doing a beautiful job.

I wouldn't even know where to begin.

You certainly know how to change the subject.

Oh, I'm just trying to be diplomatic.

But you know, actually, I don't think

it makes too much difference who cooks the food.

I think the important thing is if the husband likes it.

I told you those muffins were good.

You mean the ones I didn't bake?

That's right, but not quite as good as the ones you made.

You didn't even notice the difference.

Uh, ladies, this is a jack.

It fits very neatly right under the bumper.

Hey, wait a second.

I bet that would be a good idea for your show.

Oh, what's that?

You try to have a little contest

and find out how many men actually do

recognize their wives' cooking.

You can have a housewife and a couple other people

and have them bake, oh, say, muffins.

Then you get her husband on the show

and let him taste all the muffins

and try and pick out the ones his wife baked.

And you have a car outside with the motor running just

in case he picks the wrong one. Cut it out now.

I think it's a pretty good idea.

So do I. I think it'd be very interesting.

There, you see?

So how are you coming along there?

Anything I can do to help?

No, not a thing.

Thanks.

Say, I have a wonderful idea.

Do you suppose your husband would like to be on the show?

You mean your television show?

Sure.

Oh, of course.

Oh, well, thanks for asking me,

but I really don't think I'd be much

good at that sort of thing.

Oh, I'm sure you would.

We have husbands on the show all the time.

Sometimes they demonstrate things

and sometimes we just put them on the spot, all

in fun of course.

Oh, honey, please.

Well--

Oh, he'll do it, OK?

OK.

Yeah, I knew he would.

He just wanted to be coaxed a little.

Now, let me finish this, will you?

I'll just be a minute.

Well, I must say this has been a lucky day for me.

I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't come along.

Yeah, I've got a better idea, for the show, I mean.

Oh, what's that?

Instead of muffins make it something like banana cream

pie.

Then in case he doesn't get it, he

can get it right in the face.

Monica Londonberry?

You're kidding.

I wish I was.

Anyhow, now I've gotta sample three pies

and pick out the one June made.

Well, that sounds like fun.

Yeah, right up until the time he picks out the wrong pie.

I hope it's not coconut custard.

It's banana cream.

Oh, that's even worse.

Don't you think that's a little undignified?

I mean, what are your clients going

to think when they see their favorite attorney get a banana

cream pie right in the kisser?

You're assuming, of course, that first of all, I won't

recognize my wife's cooking.

And in the event I don't recognize it

that she'll get mad.

And they're both reasonable assumptions,

don't you think so?

Don't get me involved in this.

Well, let's get back to work, shall we?

Hey, what's this?

What?

Well, I hate to complain, but I can't read your writing.

Oh, I wrote that.

It's a note to myself.

How long you been working here now?

Oh, about five years.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

How do you figure to recognize your wife's cooking

when you can't recognize your secretary's handwriting?

And she's been working here longer

than you've been married.

She didn't write it, you did.

Well, that's even worse.

How do you figure to recognize your wife's cooking

when you can't even recognize your own brother's handwriting?

It's the most illogical conclusion I've ever heard of.

Well, maybe so.

That's the kind of stuff that convinces juries.

Oh, get lost, will you?

Besides, I may not even be able to go on the show.

I probably have appointments Monday morning, don't I?

Nope, not a thing.

How do you like that?

If I'd wanted to play golf, I probably

would have had a full schedule.

Look, why don't you go skiing this weekend.

Maybe you'll get lucky and break a leg.

Actually, I wouldn't be surprised

if the whole thing was called off anyway,

when she gets back to the studio and realizes

what a silly idea it is.

By the way, she's on right now if you want to catch a show.

Oh, no thanks.

I've got a little too much work to do.

And girls, you'll all be happy to know

that while chivalry has been dying for years,

it got a sizable shot in the arm this morning.

The nicest young man stopped to helped me change a flat tire.

His name is David and June Nelson.

Well, that is June is his wife's name.

She's a charming girl and very bright, too.

In fact, she gave me a wonderful idea for a show.

Now just imagine, if you will, if you baked a banana cream pie

and we have and your husband on the program.

Now first of all, we have him taste

your pie and then one that's been baked by a local bakery

and then one baked by one of the mess

cooks from the local army base.

Now doesn't that sound like fun?

Anyway, girls, do you think your husband could

tell which pie was yours?

Well, we'll see next week.

Yeah, I can hardly wait.

I just found out where the other pies are coming from.

Oh, where's that?

A local bakery and an army mess cook.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

Can you imagine what's going to happen if I pick the army

cook's pie instead of June's?

Well, if you like it, you can always join the army.

If I like it, I may have to.

Oh, hi, Dave.

Oh, hi, Pop.

You finished playing so soon?

Yeah, if you can call it that.

You didn't play so well, huh?

Well, I couldn't keep my mind on the game.

Oh, you're a little worried about the television show

Monday morning?

Where'd you hear about that?

Oh, June told your mother.

Oh, by the way, we're having dinner at your house tonight,

in case you hadn't heard about it.

Oh, OK, Pop, I'll see you tonight then.

Dave, don't stop to change any tires on the way home.

Hi, honey.

Can I help you?

That's all right.

Get out of there.

Oh, you got some special ingredients for the pie there,

huh? Afraid I might get a clue?

That's right.

Cut that out!

Oh, shampoo.

That's right, banana shampoo pie.

Now, go on and get out of here and leave me alone.

You know, we've been talking about banana cream pie so much

lately, I'd kind of like to have some for dessert tonight.

How about you?

Oh, no, you don't, no free samples.

You can go down to the malt shop and pick up some ice cream.

Ice cream?

When I've got the best pie baker in town right here?

Oh, well, thank you, dear.

Now go on down and get the ice cream.

Hi, Rick.

Oh, hi, Dave.

What are you doing down here?

Oh, I'm ordering some ice cream, thanks to you.

What do you mean by that?

Well, I made the mistake of mentioning

this little contest or whatever it is

that you and June have going.

And the next thing I knew, Kristin

decided that she won't bake any pies or cakes or cookies

or even iron any of my shirts until you go on television

and prove that a husband really can tell his wife's cooking.

Won't iron your shirts?

What's that got to do with anything?

Who knows?

You know how those discussions are,

one thing just led to another.

I'm getting the feeling that this is just

too much responsibility for one man.

- Here you are, Rick. - Oh, thanks, Jack.

- Hi, Dave. - Hi, Jack.

I understand you've gotten yourself into a little mess.

Boy, word sure gets around.

In the first place, this whole thing is ridiculous.

Well, what difference does it make

if you pick out somebody else's cooking,

just as long as it tastes OK?

Well, now just a minute, after all, a cook

likes to get a little appreciation

the same as anybody else.

Oh, I'm not kidding you guys.

Cooking is an art the same as anything else.

You're absolutely right, Jack.

You make the best hamburgers in town.

And with the most onions in 'em, too.

He slices them that thick.

Oh, you've noticed that too, huh?

Well, not exactly, but a couple of my

friends have mentioned it.

OK, you guys, a guy stands here and slaves

over a hot grill all day.

Yes, dear.

I thought I left you at home.

Well, I can see I'm not going to get any sympathy around

here. What are you gonna have, Dave?

Well, I'll take a couple of quarts of ice cream, one

chocolate and one vanilla.

OK.

There are 22 ingredients in my banana splits.

Just see how many you can name.

I hope June isn't as sensitive about her cooking

as Jack is about his.

Well, I wish it was something a little easier to identify.

After all, one banana cream pie tastes just

about the same as another.

Unless one of 'em is really bad.

Hey, yeah.

If one of 'em was really bad--

Hey, that's it.

Sure.

If the terrible pie was June's, then I'd know right away.

- Are her pies really that bad? - Are you kidding?

They're great.

But this calls for a slight case of sabotage.

Well, do you think that's fair?

Well, of course, it's fair.

Everything's fair in love and war--

and this is both.

Come on.

I didn't see any pie.

She hasn't baked it yet.

Well, what are we going to do?

Well, we gotta fix it so that when she does bake it,

it has an unusual taste of some sort.

Well, I'm sure you can handle it.

I better get going.

Wait a second, where are you going?

I thought you were going to help me.

Oh, we better do something.

She's liable to come out here any minute.

Well, the first thing we gotta do

is figure out how to sabotage a banana cream pie.

I've got one idea.

What's that?

I remember one time I put salt on my cereal instead of sugar.

It sure tasted funny.

You mean put the salt in the sugar container

and the sugar in the salt container?

Yeah.

Only thing though, what if I want

to put some sugar in my coffee?

Well, suppose you don't guess the right banana cream pie?

Get the salt.

We'll switch 'em back after she's baked the pie.

Oh, that certainly was a good dinner, Juney.

Thanks, mom.

It sure was.

I don't what you're complaining about here, Dave.

Oh, thanks a lot, Pop.

But I'm not worried.

Oh, he is too.

How about some dessert?

Oh, not for me, thank you.

I'm trying to be good.

The cleaner's been shrinking my dresses lately.

I know what you mean, me too.

I got a surprise for dad.

Dave, too, if he behaves himself.

Oh, what's that?

My banana cream pie.

We can't have that.

That's for the show tomorrow.

But I baked two of them.

Well, what'd you do a crazy thing like that for?

Oh, I just thought I'd give you a little sample tonight.

Give you more of a chance tomorrow morning.

Well, it'd be kind of like cheating.

What's the matter?

Don't you have any confidence in me?

Well, of course I do.

Well, maybe you're right.

Well, at least dad can have a piece.

Oh, no, he can't have one either.

Well, why not?

Yeah, why not?

Well, because you're my father.

He's my father.

And families stick together.

Besides, he's liable to taste and then tell me about It.

Oh, no, I wouldn't do that.

What's the matter with you, David?

What is the matter with you, David?

There you are.

Oh, thank you.

Aren't you on a diet, Pop?

Well, not when there's banana cream pie around.

Homemade banana cream pie.

That's what I said, not when there's homemade banana cream

pie around.

Oh, well.

What are you doing?

Well, I might as well be the first one to taste it.

I've gotta do it on television tomorrow.

Big deal.

Mm.

Great

Well, what do you say now, Mr. Nelson,

was that pie from the bakery or was that baked

by some army cook or by your lovely and talented wife?

It was definitely baked by my lovely and talented wife,

no doubt about it.

All right. Here you are, dad.

It's your turn.

I was beginning to wonder.

Why are you so determined to keep me from eating this pie?

Say something, Pop.

Keep smiling, Pop.

How do you like it, dad?

Say something.

He loves it, honey.

He loves it, honey.

Oh, it's great.

What happened to it?

It's got salt in it.

Oh, you noticed it too?

I put it in there so I could tell

which one was June's tomorrow.

Oh.

Boy, you sure did a good job.

So--

You really like the pie, dad?

Oh, it's just great.

But you're not eating it.

Well, I'm eating it slowly, that way it lasts longer.

Don't you want any, Dave?

Oh, I'll have some later, honey.

Yeah, he's-- the dinner was so good.

There's something very funny going on around here.

Well, better luck tomorrow.

Aren't you coming to bed, honey?

Well, I may be able to get a little sleep,

as soon as I finish baking this other pie with sugar

and just a touch of arsenic.

Arsenic?

Just enough to give you a hint.

You mean I'm still in the doghouse?

Oh, you may be out by tomorrow, if you're lucky.

Look, honey, it's silly for you to bake another pie.

I won't have you cheating.

No, I mean this whole thing is silly.

I've got an idea that'll be a lot better for the show.

Instead of three pies, why don't we

have three beautiful girls, you and two others.

Then I'll be blindfolded and kiss each one

and try to guess which one is you.

Well, the way I figured, if I didn't guess right,

it wouldn't be a total loss.

Sorry, honey, did my sneezing wake you up?

No.

What's the matter?

Were you sneezing?

Yeah.

I might be getting a little cold.

Gee.

I think I've got a fever.

You don't feel warm to me.

Gee, I hope you're right.

Hate to wake up in the morning with a cold.

You know what a cold does to your sense of taste.

Can't taste the darn thing.

Don't worry, honey.

You'll be fine.

No, I think I'm coming down with something.

My head's hot and I've got cold hands.

I don't think so, dear, just cold feet.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

Now don't go away.

We have a wonderful surprise for you

right after this brief message.

I think we'd better wait here.

A little nervous, Dave?

Not any more than necessary.

Oh, you'll be fine, dear.

I hope so.

Oh, I hope so too, for your sake.

Well, I wouldn't worry about it.

The car's right outside with the motor running

and your old room is still available.

Good morning.

It's so nice to see you again.

Oh, thank you.

This is my mother and father, Monica Londonberry.

- Well, how do you do? - How do you do?

How do you do?

I hope it's OK we just came down to watch.

Of course.

Are you all ready, Dave?

Well, ready as I'll ever be.

You've got nothing to worry about.

We have everything all prepared for you.

There are a few instructions, if you don't mind coming with me.

Oh, sure.

- Would you excuse us a minute? - Ms. Londonberry?

Yes.

Where shall I put the pie?

Pie?

Oh, isn't that lovely.

Is that for me?

It's for the show, for Dave to taste.

Taste?

Oh, yeah, don't you remember?

I'm supposed to taste the three banana cream pies and then tell

you which one is June's.

Oh, dear.

Oh. What's the matter?

Oh, I'm afraid there's been a little misunderstanding here.

What do you mean?

Well, we're not doing the thing with the pies

until tomorrow.

You mean I'm not on today?

Oh, you're on, but the pies aren't.

I don't get it.

Well, what's he gonna do?

He's gonna demonstrate how to change a tire.

I am?

Well, yes.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I thought you understood that.

I thought it would be interesting for the women

in our audience.

You know, you'd be amazed at how many women don't

know how to change a tire.

Oh, you will do it, won't you?

Oh, sure.

Oh, he'd rather change a tire than eat.

Oh, good for you.

Only thing though, I'm not exactly dressed for it

Well, that's even better.

I'll make a special point of it--

how to change a tire without messing up your clothes.

Come on, Dave, we don't have much time.

See you later.

Good luck.

Well, how about that?

Looks like you baked that beautiful pie all for nothing.

Oh, that's OK.

I wonder if this is all a plot of David's to get out

of tasting those pies.

Oh, I wasn't worried anyway, mom.

He would have guessed the right one.

You sound pretty confident.

After all, banana cream pies do taste alike.

Not when one of them has salt in it instead of sugar.

You didn't?

You don't think I'd let him guess the wrong pie in front

of a couple of million people, do you?

Give me the pie.

The producer thought it might be kind

of a cute idea of Ms. Londonberry passed it out

among the audience. David.

Don't worry, she'll tell 'em you baked it.

Oh, what am I gonna do?

And now here he is, the handsome young attorney who's

going to demonstrate to us how to change an automobile tire

and still stay neat and tidy, Mr. David Nelson.

Tonight's "Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

was brought to you by Vectra, the revolutionary fiber used

in Ozite Town'N'Terrace carpet.

So durable, it's used outdoors.

So attractive, it's used indoors.