All language subtitles for The.Adventures.of.Ozzie.and.Harriet.S14E08.Wally.The.Author.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-WADU_track3_[eng]

This is an ABC
color presentation.

"The Adventures of Ozzie
and Harriet," starring

the entire Nelson family.

Here's Ozzie.

Here's Harriet.

Here's David.

Here's Rick.

Here they are, America's
favorite family, the Nelsons.

Helen, would you take care
of these as soon as you can?

- OK.
- Thanks.

- Hi, everybody.
- Oh, hi, Wally.

- Oh, hi, Wall.
- How's my favorite secretary?

Just fine, thanks.

If you want something
typed, she's too busy today.

Well, what a suspicious guy.

Can't I even pay a
girl a complement?

Of course, you can.

OK, what do you want me to type?

Nothing, honest.

I just dropped in to say hello.

You mean you're
not selling anything

and you don't want
to borrow anything?

You don't want us to
do anything for you?

Of course not.

Well, hi, Wally,
glad to see you.

Oh.

Can I get you a cup of coffee?

Oh, that'd be fine, thank you.

She asked me.

I didn't ask her.

Relax, will you?

How have things been going?

Oh, fine, thanks.

I played poker last night.
I was a big winner.

Oh?
What'd you win?

I won back a bunch
of my old IOUs.

Well, that's
something, anyway.

You know what
that reminded me of?

Yeah, I've still got
three of your IOUs myself.

No, I was thinking
about the time

we played poker
over at your house.

Remember?

June was out, and a
couple of us got hungry.

A couple of us?

OK, I got hungry.

And we ate that great
big chocolate cream pie.

You mean the one June baked
for the woman's club bazaar?

How can I forget it?

Oh, what happened
with that anyway?

How'd you explain it to her?
I didn't.

You mean you never
told her about it?

Are you kidding?

Well, what'd you do?

I'll tell you what he did.

He called me about
midnight, woke me up,

said how's my
favorite secretary,

and talked me into baking
a chocolate cream pie.

Oh.
You sly devil.

And that's the pie you
took to the woman's club.

Shh.

June might be downtown shopping.

Oh.

And her name was Pat, wasn't it?

Well, yeah, but,
for gosh sake's,

don't mention her
around Barbara.

She doesn't know
anything about her.

Oh, no, of course not.

Oh, hiya, Rick, I'm
glad I ran into you.

I have a question
I want to ask you.

Oh, here it is.

What was the name
of that girl you

had a date with the night
Kris was up in the mountains

with her folks?
A date?

What's this?

I didn't have a
date with anybody.

Well, sure you did.
Don't you remember?

We went over to
her house and she

cooked that beautiful
spaghetti for us.

That wasn't a date,
and you know it.

I went bowling with
Wally and Ginger,

and this girlfriend of Ginger's
asked if we'd drive her home.

Oh, that's OK, Rick.

You don't have to explain.

Well, he makes it
sound like a big deal.

Well, it was.

That was the best
spaghetti I ever tasted.

That's why I was so late.

It took him forever to finish
his usual three helpings.

Oh, forget it.

What was her name, anyway?

Well, how should I know?

Jackie something.

Oh, yeah, Jackie Weatherby.

What did Kris say when
you told her about it?

About what?

About the little
midnight spaghetti party.

Well, nothing.

I didn't tell her about it.

I didn't think it
was that important.

Well, if you ask me,
I think Wally's been

getting pretty nosy lately.

Yeah, he sure has.

What's it all about, Wally?

Wally?

Well, where'd he go?

He probably went
up to his room.

That's where he's been spending
most of his time lately.

That doesn't sound like Wally.

What do you suppose he's up
to with all those questions?

I don't know, but
I'm gonna find out.

I never even seen the
girl before or since.

Go ahead, open it.

What's the matter?

Well, it sounds
like a typewriter.

Wally?
Come back later.

I'm working.
Working?

You sure that's Wally in there?

This guy must be an imposter.

Come on, will you?

We just want to talk
to you for a minute.

Wally?

Wally?

Hey, Willie, let me borrow
that dinner gong for a second.

Don't ring it.
Dinner isn't ready yet.

Well, that's OK.

This is an emergency.

You guys better stand back.

First call for dinner.

Dinner is served.

Wally!

Boy, talk about
Pavlov and his dogs.

Hey, look at this.

It says June Nelson.

June?

Hey, that's my girl.

June Nelson?

No, here on the pad--
Barbara Clark.

Hey, what are you
guys doing here, anyway?

Get away from this stuff.
What is all this?

It's private,
that's what it is.

Now come on, you
guys, get out of here.

We're not gonna get
out of here until you

tell us what's going on.

It's none of
your darn business.

Now everybody out.

We just want to know
what you're up to.

What are you talking about?

You know darn well
what we're talking about.

You've been asking an awful lot
of personal questions lately.

Yeah, and what
about all these names?

OK, if you must
know, I'll tell ya,

but only if you promise to get
out of here and leave me alone.

OK, what is it?

I'm writing a book.

A book?

You're writing a book?

That strikes you
as being so unusual?

That strikes me
as being ridiculous.

How can you write a book when
you've never even read one?

Ha, ha, ha, very funny.

Now come on, everybody out.

Now wait a second.
OK, you're writing a book.

Well, what's all
this big mystery?

Well, I just
don't want anybody

stealing my ideas, that's all.

Nobody's gonna steal anything.

We just want to know
what's going on.

That's between me
and my publisher.

Your publisher?

You mean somebody is actually
interested in publishing

your book?
That's right.

And you sent
them a manuscript?

Well, not exactly.
I sent them the first chapter.

And they said they liked it?

Well, I'm sure they will.

I haven't exactly
heard from them yet.

Oh, well, then you haven't
exactly gotten any money.

Are you kidding?

It was so bad, they haven't
even sent me a rejection slip.

OK, you guys can
laugh if you want to.

OK.

Just a second, fellas.

We're interrupting
his creative thinking.

Oh, sorry.

Just imagine, a real, live
author right here in our house.

Wait till I write home
and tell my mom and dad.

To think it all
started right here.

No, no, don't touch anything.

Someday this humble dwelling
may be a national shrine.

Hear, hear.

OK, you guys can
laugh if you want to,

but you'll be sorry when
I'm rich and famous.

Hey, we can laugh
again, fellas.

I'm home, dear.

Oh, good, I wanted to ask
you a couple of questions.

Hi, Wally, I didn't
know you were here.

Oh, yes, sir.

Mrs. Nelson said
it was all right.

Oh, sure.

I mean, I just didn't
drop in to say hello.

I'm working here.

Could you come in the den
for a couple of minutes?

Well, sure.

Just a second.

This isn't a surprise party?

I mean, it's not my
birthday or anything, is it?

Oh, no, nothing like that.

Let's see.

Oh, here it is.

How is your memory, Mr. Nelson?

Oh, pretty good.

What is it you want to know?

Well, you remember a couple
of years ago, three years

to be exact, when you had
that great New Year's Eve

party over here?
That was a great party.

Oh, yeah, we did
have a lot of fun.

Oh, if you mean who was
it called the police,

we never did find out.

Actually, we weren't
making that much noise.

No, I wasn't thinking
of that, but do you

remember that redheaded girl?

You remember her, right?

You were dancing with
her, and all the wives

were glaring at her.

Oh.

Well, there were a lot
of attractive girls

here that night.
Well, you remember this one.

She's the one that
brought the fruit punch,

and she left the punchbowl
locked in the trunk of her car,

and you went out to
help her bring it in.

Oh, oh.

Yes, it seems to me I
do remember something

like that vaguely.

Vaguely?

You were gone for
almost an hour.

Yeah, now I remember.

The reason it took so long
was because of the flat tire.

What was her name?
Do you remember?

Gloria Tannehill.

Well, for someone who
couldn't remember her,

you sure came up with
her name in a hurry.

Oh.

Well, it's-- it's kind of
an easy name to remember.

What are you writing there?

Oh, nothing.

Did you have any trouble
explaining it to Mrs. Nelson?

Oh, no.

Well, actually, I didn't
bother to explain it to her.

See, it's kind of a
long, involved story.

Tannerhill.

Is that with two N's?

Yes, I believe it is.

It was all perfectly innocent.

See, she got the
flat tire when we

parked at the side of the road.

See, we had to pull over
because she ran out of gas.

Oh, you mean the flat tire
wasn't in front of the house?

No.

See, the punchbowl was
in the trunk of her car,

and she'd forgotten
the key, so we

had to drive over to
her apartment to get it.

See, she had the
key to the ignition,

but she'd left the key to
the trunk in her apartment.

I see.

You can understand why I--

I didn't bother to explain
this to Mrs. Nelson.

Oh, yes, sir.

I wouldn't try that
story on my father.

Fortunately, Mrs.--

Hi, dear.

Oh!

You scared me half
to death there.

I'm sorry.
Dinner's ready.

Oh, great, I'll
go wash my hands.

Excuse me.

Wally tell you
about his project?

What project?

He's writing a book.

He's writing a book?

Can you believe it?

Be careful what you say.

It's liable to wind up in print.

Oh.

Hi, Jack.

Oh, hi, Mr. Nelson.

What'll you have?

Oh, I think I'll have
a quart of strawberry,

a quart of chocolate,
and a quart of vanilla,

and a container of
chocolate syrup.

Yes, sir.

Oh, would you like
that in a cone

or do you want to
take it with you?

Just put it in a big bag
and I'll take it with me.

OK.

Gee, I think there are
a couple of relatives

of yours over there.

Oh, yeah, thanks.

- Hi, Pop.
- Hi, fellas.

Hi, Pop.

Hi, Mr. Nelson, sit down.

Oh, thanks.

How'd you guys manage to
escape the wives tonight?

Well, the fraternity had its
quarterly "get the husbands out

of the house" meeting.

Oh.

How'd you manage
it, Mr. Nelson?

Well, I just came down
to buy a little ice cream.

A little?

Well, quite a little, but I'll
have plenty of help eating it.

Wally's at the house.

So that's why you came.

Yeah, he says he's
working on a book.

So that's what he's up to.

I was wondering why he was
writing in that notebook.

Is that panic I
see in your eyes?

What'd you tell him, Dave?

Well, nothing.

At least nothing he
could use, I hope.

What's wrong with a guy's
secretary baking a pie for him?

Oh, is that all?

That's nothing.

That doesn't sound
half as bad as--

well, see, there was
this big redhead--

well, there was this redhead,
and she ran out of gas.

Well, anybody is liable
to get a flat tire.

Well, it's-- never mind.

I doubt if
anybody has anything

to worry about, anyway.

He'll never get the
thing published.

Hey, I never thought
about that angle.

The odds on that must be
about a thousand to one.

It's tough enough for a good
writer to get a book published.

Wally's flunked
English four times.

Besides, he never
finishes anything he starts,

unless it's food.

Oh, hi, Gary.

Hi, fellas.

Hey, have you guys seen Wally?

Well, yeah, what
do you want him for?

Oh, I picked up this
letter of his by mistake.

Oh, I'll give it to him.

He's over at our house.

Oh, thanks, Mr. Nelson.

Hudson Publishing Company.

Let me see that.

Oh, it's probably
just a rejection slip.

For a hundred dollars?

Hey, how about this?

They're gonna buy my book.

Oh, that's wonderful, Wally.

Sure is.

Yeah.

They even sent me a check.

Yeah, for a hundred dollars.

A hundred dollars.

That seemed like a
reasonable advance.

Boy, a hundred dollars.

You realize how
much money that is?

That's almost as much as I owe.

Well, we're very
happy for you, Wally.

Yeah, we sure are.

Yeah.

You sure you want to
finish the book now?

Of course.

I wouldn't think of
letting my publisher down.

Well, better get back to work.

Wally?

Yes, sir?

You are familiar with the
laws of libel, aren't you?

Well, sure.

I mean, Dave would be happy
to look over your manuscript

and give you any
advice you might need.

Oh, that's OK.

As I understand it,
nothing is libelous

as long as you tell the truth.
Well, it's--

- That's not always true.
- Not always.

As Pop said, I'll
be happy to look over

the manuscript for you.
He's a lawyer.

- Just to make sure.
- Oh, well, that's OK, Dave.

I don't think that'll be
necessary, but thanks anyway.

- No charge.
- It's--

Well, I better get back
to the old drawing board.

A writer must write, right?

A bite to eat, fellas?

Oh, no, thanks, Mom.

I better be getting home
before I get in more trouble

then I may be in already.
Yeah, me too.

- Well, say hello to the girls.
- OK.

Pop, you've got
to find some way

to get a look at
that manuscript.

Well, gee, I don't
know about you guys,

but I'm completely innocent.

- So am I.
- Yeah, me too.

It's just that I
never got around

to telling June about
this particular incident,

and, well, if it
ever got into print,

I'd have a little
explaining to do.

That's my situation exactly.

Yeah.

I'll see what I can do about it.

- Who is it?
- Just me.

Oh, yes, sir.

Mrs. Nelson told me you
were working down here.

Yes, sir.

I-- isn't it kind of damp
down here in the cellar?

Well, yes, sir, but writers
are supposed to suffer,

you know?

Oh.

So they say.

Besides, I'd kind of
like to be away from people

who might want to snoop around.

Oh.

Yeah, well, I just
came down here

to-- to look for something.

Oh, well, it's your
basement, go ahead.

Well, see, I--

If you're looking
for these love letters,

they're in this box right here.

- Love letters?
- Yes, sir.

They fell out when I was
trying to move this trunk.

Who's sweetie poo?

You read them?

Oh, no, of course not.

I just saw one or two of them
when I was putting them back.

Oh.

Well, sweetie-- I--

it's just-- I-- somebody used
to call somebody sweetie poo.

Oh, I see.

Well, if you're all
done trying to spy,

I'd kind of like to
get back to work.

Spy?

No.

Whatever gave you that idea?

Well, a fella
can't be too careful.

I don't mean to
hurt your feelings,

but a man has to
protect his ideas.

Oh.

Yes, of course.

Ah.

Well, I'll-- I'll let
you get back to work.

Oh, I think I'll take these
with me, if you don't mind.

Oh, and by the way,
I'm not sweetie poo.

That's Mrs. Nelson.

I just thought I'd
straighten that out for you.

Oh.

Yes, sir.

And if you-- if you want
anything, just let me know.

Yes, sir.

Boy, I'll tell you one thing.

If Caroline ever finds out
I was up at Lookout Point

with Cynthia, I'm gonna
wring that Wally's neck.

Hey, wait a minute.
You were up there with Cynthia?

My girl?
No, no, not your girl.

Cynthia Adams.

Cynthia Adams?

That's my girl.

What were you doing up at
Lookout Point with my girl?

Relax, will ya?

We were just delivering some
stuff for the church picnic.

How was I supposed to know it
wasn't until the next week?

Just remember, you guys.

The night we raided the
dean's house, I was sick.

What about pumping ice
water into the girls shower?

We didn't do that.

Maybe not, but we
took credit for it.

Well, I don't know what you
guys are so worried about.

I may be in trouble
with my wife.

Maybe he used
fictitious names.

Oh, sure, something
like Nicky Relson.

Well, what are we
gonna do about it?

Why don't we quit
fooling around?

Let's just tell him we want
to see what he's writing.

Well, sure.

I mean, if we're
gonna be in it, we

ought to have the
right to see it.

There's not much
chance for that.

He won't show it to anybody.

My father tried to get a
look at it all last week.

Your father?

Yeah, it's got something
to do with a flat tire

and a redhead named Gloria.

Gloria?

My mother?

I say we go over there right
now and take a look at it.

Yeah, me too.
Where is he, Rick?

Well, last I heard, he
was down in the basement.

Well, how are we gonna
get him out of there?

We'll smoke him out.

Come on, let's go.

Oh, hi, Rick.
Hi, fellas.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Mrs. Nelson.

If you guys are
looking for ice cream,

I'm afraid I'm all out.

As a matter of fact, I'm
just about out of everything

since Wally's been here.

Where is he?
We want to have a talk with him.

Well, I haven't seen
him for quite a while,

but I imagine he's downstairs
in the basement working

on his book.

Thanks.

Is that you, Wally?

Yes, ma'am, I
was just up there

putting the typewriter away.

Oh, well, some of the
boys were looking for you.

I sent them down
to the basement.

Oh, thank you.

Will you tell them
I'll be right back?

I want to run this manuscript
down to the corner mailbox

in time for the 4 o'clock mail.
OK.

Oh, by the way, I put
apples on the grocery list.

This is the last one.

- Hey, Mom, he's not down there.
- Yes, I know.

He'll be right back.
He wants you to wait for him.

He just went down at the corner
for a minute to the mailbox.

The mailbox?

- To mail a letter?
- No, his manuscript.

He finished it.

His manuscript?

Hey, fellas.

What was the stampede all about?

I guess they're trying
to catch up with Wally.

Wally?
What for?

Well, I just told them
he went down to the corner

to mail his manuscript, and
they all tore out of here.

His manuscript?

Wally!

Hiya, fellas.

Where's that manuscript?

Oh, I just mailed it.

What do you mean,
you just mailed it?

Oh, just what I said.

I walked down to the corner
and dropped it in the mailbox.

Why shouldn't I?
It was finished.

Well, I'll tell you this much.

There had better not be
anything libelous in there.

What do you mean,
anything libelous?

Of course, there isn't.
Hey!

What happened?
Are we too late?

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

Oh, great.

Well, that figures.

What's the matter
with everybody, anyway?

Just answer me one question.

Did you or didn't
you mention Carolyn?

Who?

Carolyn, the girl
I'm engaged to.

Did you or didn't you mention
her in that book of yours?

Is that what
you're worried about?

Why didn't you say so?

Of course, I mentioned her.

And I mentioned Barbara, and
Cynthia, and the spaghetti

girl.

Now, look, there was nothing
to that, and you know it.

Are you kidding?

That was the beginning
of my spiciest chapter.

That's just great.
Thanks a lot.

- What about June and the pie?
- Oh, wait a minute.

Did I forget that?

No, that was in there, too.

OK, Wally, we want to know
exactly what's in that book.

Oh, no.

Sorry, fellas, but
the interview's over.

If you want to know what's in
it, you'll have to buy a copy.

That is if you can get one.

The presses might not be able
to keep up with the demand.

Well, I'll see you guys.

Oh, and rest easy.

I'll be glad to autograph all
your copies free of charge.

Oh, well, let him go.

There's nothing we can
do about it now, anyhow.

I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna tell
June about the pie

before she reads it
in that book and jumps

to the wrong conclusion.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Honesty is the best policy.

As long as we're gonna
get caught anyway.

For goodness sake's,
Harriet, be reasonable.

Anybody can have a flat tire
and-- and run out of gas.

Ah.

Well, it looks like I'm gonna
be making a long-distance phone

call to Barbara.
Long distance?

It's only in the next block.

Yeah, I know, but
I think I'd better

call her from out of town.

You're lucky.

I've got a date with Cynthia.

I'll make a deal with you.

I'll go on the date and explain
the situation to Cynthia

and you go over to
my mother's house

and explain my
problem to her and ask

her to explain it to Kris.

Now, wait a minute.

Why are we so excited about
these big explanations, anyway?

I mean, we're not
guilty of anything.

That's right.

Sure, we haven't actually
done anything wrong.

Of course not.

Well, that sounds logical
to us, but don't forget we're

dealing with women.

Well, what are we gonna do?

Well, I don't
know about you guys,

but I'm gonna pick up my
books and go home for dinner.

It's a little early, isn't it?

Well, it won't
be by the time I

pick up some ice
cream, candy, flowers,

check on my life insurance
policy, and rehearse my speech.

- You might have an idea there.
- Which part?

No, no, listen.

And when is the best time to
tell a girl something that you

don't want to tell her?
Oh, when she's in a good mood.

Right.

You turn the lights down
low, put on some soft music,

take her gently in your arms.

Then pin them to her
side so she can't hit you.

They can still kick
you in the shins.

Now, wait a minute, you guys.

Here's my idea.

We throw a party here
at the house tonight,

and while the girls
are in a good mood,

we just casually make
our explanations.

And if that doesn't work,
we can always run upstairs.

They're not allowed up there.

- Hi.
- Hi, Rick.

- Having a good time?
- Oh, yeah.

What a surprise.

I mean, having a dance like
this on the spur of the moment.

Well, we just thought
you girls might enjoy it.

Oh, yeah.

Say, listen, there's
this little something

I'd like to tell
you about, honey.

What's that?

Well, why don't we
dance a little more first?

OK.

Hi, Jim.

Oh.

Hi, Rick.

Guess I'm a little nervous.

You talk to Barbara yet?

No, not yet.

I'm waiting for
the right moment.

Well, I thought that
was the idea of the dance.

Well, yeah, I'll
get around to it.

Have you told Kris about
the spaghetti party yet?

No, I haven't
had the chance yet.

Same with me.

Good luck.

Thanks.

Hi, Dave.

Oh, hi, Rick.

You explain to June
about the chocolate pie?

No, not yet.

How about you?

Have you told Kris about
the girl and the spaghetti?

No, but I'm going
to any minute.

I know what you mean.

I just thought I'd
get June some punch

or some of those little
cupcakes or something.

Oh, Kris is helping
out in the kitchen.

I thought maybe I'd have
another dance with her first

and then break the news.

I wonder how the rest
of the guys are doing.

I think they're all moving
in the right direction.

They're probably waiting
for the right kind of music.

Something like
"Goodnight, Sweetheart."

- Wally.
- Hi, Wally.

Oh, a fine thing.

Why didn't you guys tell me you
were having a dance tonight?

We thought it
didn't have anything

to do with you, sort of.

Are you kidding?

With all this food here?

Boy, who baked these cupcakes?

Charlie's mother.

They're great.

Doggone it, I wish I would
have tasted these last night.

I could have put the
recipe in my book.

Wouldn't that be
a little mild to

that scandalous expose of yours?

Scandalous expose?

It's a cookbook.

A cookbook?

OK, so now you know.

But no fair stealing
any of the recipes.

You'll have to buy the book.

Well, what about
all those questions

you were asking me about Jackie?
You know, the spaghetti girl.

Well, I had to
find out her name.

How else could I get
in touch with her

and find out the recipe
for the spaghetti?

And that's why you were asking
about the chocolate cream pie?

Oh, I got two
recipes for that--

June and Ms. Edwards,
your secretary.

You mean that's all
you wanted was a recipe?

Well, of course.
What else?

We thought you were writing
the story of your life.

Are you kidding?

Food is the story of my life.

And I've got documented
evidence right here to prove it.

A cookbook.

Yeah.

Well, at least I won't have
to explain anything to June.

And I won't have to explain
anything to Kris, either.

Hey.

What about the other guys?

Yeah.

Gee, honey, I don't
know how to tell you this,

but, well, you're gonna find
out about it anyway when

you read Wally's book.

Sean, I just heard you
talking about Wally's cookbook.

Cookbook?

Yep, there's nothing
in it but recipes.

Where was I?

Oh, yes, I was about
to tell you that Wally

has written a cookbook.

Well, I know that.

He phoned and asked me
for one of my recipes.

Oh, I didn't know that.

May I cut in, please?

Oh, well, certainly, Dave.

I got good news for you.

Wally's book is a cookbook.

You're kidding?

No, he just told us.

Great.

Well, I think
we got everybody.

- That sure was a close call.
- Yeah.

It's pretty funny
though, when you

think about it-- a cookbook.

Wait till we tell Pop.

Yeah.

Pop!

Holy smokes.

Hello, Pop?

I've got good news.

You don't have to do
any explaining to Mom.

Wally's book turned
out to be a cookbook.

Yeah, he just wanted
the name of that

redhead so he could get the
recipe for her fruit punch.

Oh.

That's-- that's
very interesting.

Yeah, just in time.

OK, thanks for calling.

Bye.

Who was that, dear?

That was Dave.

Oh, what'd he want?

Oh, nothing important.

How do you like the flowers?

Oh, they're just
beautiful, dear.

And the candy?

Oh, it's my favorite.

Now what was it you
were going to tell me?

Oh, it-- it was
really nothing.

I just wanted to tell
you about the big sale

they're having down
at the flat tire--

the mall.

Some big redhead-- a big
sale on candy and liars.

Cowards and-- candy and flowers.

I thought you'd
never get through that.

I thought you might
run out of gas again.

Who told you?

Told me what?

Oh, nothing.