Original subtitles

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet," starring

the entire Nelson family.

Here's Ozzie.

Here's Harriet.

Here's David.

Here's Rick.

And also starring in tonight's episode, here's Kris.

But sweetie pie--

Don't you "sweetie pie" me.

Don't you call me anything.

In fact, just don't call me at all.

But, sweetie pie, you don't understand.

Oh, yes, I do.

You're the one who doesn't understand.

Jack, may I have a glass of water, please?

Here we are.

Thank you very much.

No charge.

Now, to make myself very clear,

you and I are all washed up.

It was very refreshing.

Hey, there's Wally.

What happened to him?

I don't know.

Oh, hi.

Hi, what happened to you?

Since when are they serving showers in here?

Please, you're looking at a wet, unhappy man.

- Ginger? - Who else?

She tried to kill me.

She knows I can't swim.

Don't tell me you two had another argument.

This isn't just another argument.

This is the last one. Oh, come on now.

It's not as bad as all that.

It must be my fault. Seems like everything I do nowadays

turns out wrong.

Look, why don't you come over to our house for dinner

tonight? Maybe we can cheer you up.

Well, if you really want me to,

I suppose I could come over.

I don't want to hurt anybody else's feelings.

There we are. That's more like it.

- What time should I be there? - About 6:30.

- OK, great. - My folks will be there too.

Oh, that'll be nice. Well, look, I've got a class.

I'd better be going.

Oh, no.

- What's the matter now? - How do you like that Ginger?

She not only bawls me out and pours water all over me,

but she leaves me with a check.

This is too much.

Then there was this time when I was about eight years old.

I wanted a water pistol and my dad wouldn't buy it for me.

He was afraid I'd squirt my arithmetic teacher.

And you had a feeling of rejection?

That's right.

Well, what did you really want it for?

To squirt my arithmetic teacher.

I see you're feeling better already.

You're laughing again.

Oh yeah, but my heart wasn't in it.

Did you notice how I laughed? Way up here.

Well, how did you used to laugh, I mean,

before you felt so depressed?

Well, I used to laugh like this.

Oh, let's face it,

I'm just a big old fat failure.

You mean just because you had a little fight with Ginger?

That happens every week.

She'll make up with you.

She always has before.

Yeah, but I have a feeling this time it's different.

Well, maybe she kind of takes you for granted.

Why don't you go out and get yourself

a date with somebody else?

Well, who, for instance?

Don't ask me.

I've been out of circulation for about 30 years.

There are a lot of attractive girls around the campus,

aren't there?

Well, yeah, but most of them go steady with somebody.

Besides, I've been going with Ginger for so long,

I've kind of lost my confidence. I think Dad's right though.

It sure would shake her up if she saw you out

with another girl.

Yeah, how about Sally Parker?

She's a terrific-looking girl.

She sure is.

How'd you know about her, Pa?

Well, she's the homecoming queen, the queen of the prom,

isn't she?

Yeah, how'd you know that?

Oh, never mind about that.

How did you know about her?

And how many times have I told you not

to sneak up on me when I'm talking about other girls?

Oh, never mind, how did you find out about her?

Her picture's in the paper here, campus news.

Oh, hey, she is attractive, "Homecoming Queen Sally

Parker."

She's very friendly too.

- How friendly? - Very friendly.

How do you know?

Well, she sits next to me in psychology.

Mm, psychology, huh?

How come you haven't mentioned her before this?

Are you kidding?

After all, I learned something in the course.

Well, you all are putting me on anyway.

I'd never stand a chance of getting a date with her.

Well, you never know until you try.

That's right.

Mrs. Nelson didn't think she'd stand a chance with me.

But she just called me up one night and proposed.

And we've been happily married ever since.

Until tonight.

Hey, Rick?

Hm?

I've just been reading this chapter in your psychology

book.

And it gave me a wonderful idea on a plan

to get Wally and Ginger back together again.

They'll get back together again.

They always have.

Well, yeah, but the homecoming dance is this Saturday night.

I know she's dying to go.

So we don't have much time.

What's the plan?

You ask Sally Parker to go to the dance.

Sally Parker?

The homecoming queen?

You want me to take her to the dance?

No, not exactly.

But it sure woke you up in a hurry.

- I thought you said-- - Wait a second.

I said, I want you to ask her to go to the dance,

but with Wally.

Well, first of all, she goes steady with a guy

named Randy Stuart.

And second, how is this going to get Wally and Ginger back

together?

Well, it's all in the book here.

Wally's problem is that he's insecure.

He's lost his self-confidence.

So he's taking out his aggressions on Ginger.

You must be kidding.

No, listen.

You get Wally to ask Sally to go to the dance.

Meanwhile, you let Sally in on the plan so she accepts.

Well, this restores Wally's confidence.

So he goes to Ginger and straightens

out this misunderstanding and asks her to go to the dance.

- That's ridiculous. - Oh, come on.

You can talk her into it.

All you have to do is pour on a little of that Ricky Nelson

charm.

Yeah, I'll talk to her tomorrow right after class.

Now, let's get some sleep, huh?

What's the big idea?

That's just to remind you, don't be too charming.

Only thing though, Randy's is going

to be driving down to take me. And I've already promised him.

Oh, well, that's OK.

Wally isn't actually going to take you to the dance.

We just want to build up his confidence

so he'll straighten things out with Ginger.

Oh, you mean then he'll call off his date with me?

Yeah I guarantee you won't have to go with him,

not that he isn't a real nice guy.

Come on, how about it? You'll be doing me a favor.

You'll be doing him a favor.

And it'll be a very interesting experiment in psychology.

Well, I should know better, but OK.

Oh, thanks a lot, Sally.

I better get out of here before you change your mind.

This is ridiculous.

She doesn't even know me.

Well, maybe not personally, but she knows who you are.

Everybody does. She's the queen of the prom.

She wouldn't go with me.

Why don't you just call and ask her?

She may surprise you.

Why are you so anxious to have me call her?

Because we don't want you to miss a dance.

We want you to go and have a good time.

Don't you want to go?

Well, yeah, sure, but she wouldn't go with me.

There must be hundreds of guys that like to take her,

practically everybody on the campus.

Look if everybody figures like you do, nobody's called her up

and asked her yet.

For all you know, she may be sitting there just

waiting for someone to call.

Well, at least you would show Ginger something,

that I can be turned down by the most popular girl in school.

Wait a minute, I don't know her number.

Granite 22359.

How do you know her number?

Because you looked it up for me this morning.

Sure didn't take you long to memorize it.

Now what's the matter?

I don't seem to have a dime.

Do you have a dime?

Thanks.

Sally Parker, please?

Oh, Sally, my name is Wally Plumstead.

We've never met, but I've heard a lot about you.

I know this sounds ridiculous, but you

wouldn't like to go to the prom with me Saturday night,

would you?

You would?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I think that would be a lot of fun.

Yeah, OK.

I'll see you Saturday night.

How about that?

- What happened? - How about that?

- Did she accept? - Yeah, how about that?

Wonderful.

How about that?

I've got a date with the queen, the queen of the prom.

Fat old me, how about that?

- How did you do it? - Are you kidding?

I just told her who I was, turned

on a little of that old Wally Plumstead charm.

That's all there was to it.

Jack, a root float for everybody, all three of us.

Well, he's back.

- Kris? - Hi.

I've got the most wonderful news.

Everything's working out just like we planned it.

Oh, great.

Yeah, Ginger phoned me this afternoon

and she's real sorry about the fight she had Wally.

- That sounds promising. - It's even better than that.

She wants to go to the dance with him.

All he has to do is call her and ask.

- Oh, good. - Now it's up to him.

Have you talked to him today?

Yeah, for a few minutes.

What did he say?

Well, nothing about Ginger, if that's what you mean.

Oh, I'm sure he'll ask her.

It's just a matter of time.

Well, the dance is this Saturday night.

Wally?

Yeah.

Come on in.

- Oh, thank you, kind people. - Oh, what's the good news?

Well, I'm a new man again. That's the good news.

Well, not exactly a new man, I'm back to my happy, lovable self.

What happened?

Well, I got to thinking about that silly fight Ginger

and I had.

So I went over to see her a little while ago

and told her I was sorry.

I figure there's no sense in us being mad at each other.

- That is good news. - That's great.

And just to show there was no hard feelings,

I borrowed $10 from her.

Well, I needed it to get a corsage.

- What's she going to wear? - Who?

Ginger.

What is she going to wear to the dance?

Is Ginger going to the dance too?

Well, you're taking her, aren't you?

You said you were going to get a corsage.

Well, yeah, for Sally, I'm taking her.

Don't you remember?

I have a lot of homework to do.

I'll see you guys later.

Just wanted to stop by and tell you the good news.

I can't figure it out.

It seemed like such a good idea.

Well, part of it worked.

What's Sally going to say?

I don't know.

She thinks she's got a date with Randy Stuart.

What are we going to do?

Well, let's see if we can analyze this and come

to some logical conclusion.

OK, professor, it's all yours.

Well, Wally's got a date to take Sally to the dance.

which we engineered.

And Sally's got a date to go with Randy.

And Ginger would like to go with Wally.

And if she finds out he's taking Sally to the dance,

she's going to break his arm. Yeah, if he's lucky.

Now I know how Dr. Frankenstein must have felt.

You know what I think we should do?

No, what?

Let's go back to the psychological approach.

Sure am glad I'm taking this course.

What'd you have in mind?

Well, I was reading a chapter in your book

on subliminal influence.

You put an idea in somebody's subconscious mind,

and he doesn't even realize it's happening.

You mean we convince him he should take Ginger, not Sally?

That's right, without his knowing it.

You mean, sort of like drops of water dropping on his head?

Yeah, or a voice whispering in his ear.

You love Ginger.

You want to take Ginger to the dance.

You love Ginger.

- Hi, Kris. - Hi.

I don't suppose you've seen Wally anywhere, have you?

Yeah, he's sleeping on the bench back there.

Great. Thanks a lot.

Mm-hmm.

You love Ginger.

You want to take Ginger to the dance.

You love Ginger.

- Who's this Ginger? - Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were somebody else.

Oh, that's OK.

Are you Ginger?

No!

You sure you want me to give this to him?

Yeah.

Well, OK, you paid for it.

Here you are, Wally.

Oh, thanks Jack.

Wait a minute. What's the matter?

Well, I ordered chocolate. This isn't chocolate.

Oh, I just thought you might enjoy

the new flavor of the week.

What is it?

Ginger.

Ginger?

Yeah, and it's good.

It is good.

Just remember, Ginger is good.

Hello.

Wally Plumstead?

Yeah, speaking. Who's this?

I don't believe that we have met formally,

but I am a foreign exchange student here at the university.

Yes, what can I do for you?

Well, there is a very charming young lady

who sits next to me at one of my lectures.

Her name is Ginger.

Yeah what about

Her are you, by any chance, taking this Ginger

to dance tonight?

No, I'm escorting the queen of the prom, Sally Parker.

Oh, magnifique.

I am sure you will not have any objection

if I escort the Ginger.

How did I do?

That was great, pop.

I think that was even better than the Swedish guy.

Take me to the casbah.

I seem to detect the slight odor of ham in here.

Not now, now, Mom.

He's doing great.

How about an Englishman now, Pop?

Gee, you don't think we're overdoing it, huh?

I don't think so.

Apparently we haven't gotten through to him yet.

Well, OK.

Plumstead, queens escort speaking.

Look, old boy,

I shan't take much of your time.

I just wanted to ask you something.

Who is this?

This is Cushcam Bushcam here.

Who?

No matter, I was just wondering,

are you taking Ginger to the dance tonight?

No, I am escorting Sally Parker, the prom queen.

Why?

You're not taking Ginger?

No, why?

Just wondering.

Thanks, old boy.

Pip, pip.

Good show.

What'd he say?

He hasn't changed his mind.

Hey, fellas, may I say a word here?

Please do.

Well, in all fairness to the prom queen,

don't you think it's about time somebody told her

this little scheme has backfired?

Hey, maybe she could have two escorts, Wally and this guy

she goes with. Randy?

- Yeah, whatever his name is. - Oh, fine.

And Wally could get two black eyes, one from Ginger

and one from Randy.

There must be some way of talking Wally

into taking Ginger.

Don't look at me.

I've run out of accents.

Gee, I hate to tell you this after you've

been such a good sport about everything,

but I'm afraid our experiment sort of backfired.

What do you mean?

Well, Wally got so excited about the idea of taking you

to the dance we can't talk him out of it.

Wait a second, that might work out OK.

Well, what about Randy?

I thought you had a date with him.

Well, that's it.

Randy's taking midterms exams.

And I really think he'd just as soon stay up there and study.

Well that sounds great. That solves everything.

Gee, thanks, Sally.

Oh, that's OK.

By the way, what does this Wally Plumstead look like?

Oh, well, he's got a great personality.

He's a lot of laughs.

The girls all like him.

Someone said he was on the chubby side.

Yeah, I guess you might say that.

Well, don't look so worried, Rick.

I'm not going to back out on you.

I just want you to describe him to Randy.

That's different.

He's about 2 and 1/2 feet tall.

- Mom? - Oh, hi, Kris.

Come on in.

You're just in time for a cup of coffee.

Oh, thanks.

I was just wondering, is Rick still here?

No, he left about a half an hour ago.

Oh.

Do you know if he had any luck with Wally?

Oh, no, I'm afraid not.

Well, that's a shame.

I sort of feel responsible.

The whole thing was my idea.

It seems there should be some way of talking him

into taking Ginger. Hey, wait a minute.

Maybe you've got an idea there. What do you mean?

Well, you've been concentrating on talking Wally

into taking Ginger.

And maybe you should be talking him out of taking Sally.

There's a slight difference.

What would you suggest?

Sally is a beautiful girl, you know?

Beautiful and glamorous and queen of the prom,

how do you talk him out of that?

Well, what are Wally's weaknesses?

He likes to eat.

Yeah, and he hates to spend money.

- That's it. - It i?

I hope he's still at the fraternity house.

What are you going to do?

We're going to hit him at his point of weakness,

his pocketbook.

This is Wally Plumstead speaking.

Is this the Wally Plumstead who is escorting

Miss Sally Parker to the prom?

Oh, that's right.

Is this a newspaper reporter?

No, I'm with the Executive Limousine Rental Service.

What time would you like to have our driver pick you up, please?

We phoned Miss Parker.

And she said it was entirely up to you.

Well, I really don't know.

Would you prefer the limousine or the town car?

Well, uh--

And by the way, we've taken the liberty

of making reservations in your name

at the Rendezvous Club for late supper.

About the billing, should we bill you through the university

or would you prefer to pay tonight?

Oh, well, actually, I may not be taking this Parker.

You see, I haven't been feeling too well lately.

May I suggest that I call you back in about an hour?

Oh, would you do that.

Thank you.

Your worries are over.

It worked?

I can practically guarantee it.

Tell me this, Mom, did you ever study psychology?

No, but I've been married for almost 30 years.

Kris?

Hi, I was worried about you.

I had to pick up my suit at the tailor's.

Hey, you look beautiful. Well, thank you.

I thought I'd get dressed now.

We might be a little rushed after dinner.

I've got some good news for you.

I tried to call you before and tell you,

but there was no answer.

Oh, I must have been over at your Mom's.

And I know all about the good news.

Ginger phoned me.

She's so excited.

What's she excited about?

About the dance, Wally phoned and asked her to go with him.

Your mom really deserves all the credit.

Hey, wait a second. Something's wrong here.

What good news were you talking about?

Well, Sally's going to call off her date with Randy

so she can go with Wally.

Well, don't get mad at me.

I'm not getting mad at anybody.

I'm just trying to figure out what to do.

Well, didn't Wally call Sally to tell her?

I guess he didn't know what to say to her.

It's probably my fault. I told Ginger to tell him

you'd call Sally and explain it to her.

I thought it was working out beautifully.

Well, it's not your fault.

I hate to answer this.

Hello?

Rick?

Oh, hi Sally.

Hey, have you talked to Randy yet?

Uh-huh, I called him right after I talked with you.

You know, at first, he made me believe he was a little upset.

But when I described Wally to him,

he admitted he should stay up there and study.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Rick, what I wanted to know

is, what time will Wally stop by for me?

Well, how about 8 o'clock?

OK.

You and your wife are going, aren't you?

Oh yeah, we'll see you there.

Goodbye.

Why didn't you tell her?

Well, what could I say?

Maybe I can find somebody else to take her.

This is really something, queen of the prom

and she doesn't have a date.

Well, I know she's beautiful, but I've already

got a date for tonight.

Well can't you ask around?

Well, the guys that haven't got dates

have gone home for the weekend.

Wait a minute. Hey, how about it one?

Of you guys want to escort the prom queen to the dance?

I've already got a date.

I got engaged last night.

Sorry, Rick.

Oh, wait a second.

Maybe there's one more chance.

Greg, come here a minute.

Would you like a date for tonight?

With a girl?

Yeah.

I'll put Greg on.

Rick wants to talk to you.

Hello?

Greg?

I've got good news for you.

I've got you all lined up to go out with the queen of the prom

tonight, Sally Parker.

Hello?

Hello?

Sorry, Rick.

Better forget it.

Oh, kid, you want to give me a hand here?

Well, what are we going to do? She can't go alone.

Somebody has to take her.

Yeah, I know, but who?

Darn it all.

This is all your fault.

What do you mean my fault?

You should have told me to stop

reading your psychology book.

Well, look, there is one solution to the problem.

What's that?

Well, you were the one who said somebody had to take her.

Yeah, but I didn't say that somebody had to be my husband.

The answer is no, you're not going out

on a date with Sally Parker.

Well, look, in the first place,

that was a very flattering picture of her in the paper.

I've seen her. And it isn't.

Besides, it wouldn't be like going out on a date.

I'd be like an escort, a chauffeur.

Forget it.

OK, I was just trying to suggest something that

would get you off the hook.

No, thanks.

Look, it's not so unusual, you know?

The dean escorted of the queen last year.

Well then, why can't he take her again this year?

I don't know.

Maybe his wife was worried about it as you are.

Well, I'm not worried about it.

Besides, I wouldn't be taking her alone.

You'd come along with us.

Oh, you mean I'd go along as sort of a spare?

Oh, of course not.

Look, why don't we just forget it?

If this girl's crazy enough to go along with the idea,

that's her tough luck.

We can't do a thing like that.

Well, which side are you on anyway?

Well, OK.

OK, what?

OK, you can be your escort or whatever you want to call it.

- You're sure now? - Yeah.

Don't ask me again.

I may change my mind.

I'll call and tell her we'll pick her up.

We won't. I'm not going.

Why not?

Look, if you want to take this girl to the dance, OK.

But I'm not going to be tagging along.

Look, I don't want to take her to the dance.

I know, but you can't expect me to be too nice about it.

- Who are you calling? - Your mom and dad.

They said they were going to a show,

so I thought I might go with them.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Well, don't worry.

I won't be late.

I'll get a couple of the other guys to take her home.

Wait a second, where are you going?

- To the dance. - Dressed like that?

Boy, she sure looks great, Rick.

Oh, yes, she does, doesn't she?

Pretty shrewd, if you ask me, pretending

to try to find somebody else to take her to the dance.

Look, I couldn't find anybody else,

so I had to bring her myself.

Oh, I'm going to have to remember

that for when I get married.

- Hey, where is she? - What do you care?

You're a married man, remember?

Yeah, no, but I'm supposed to be her escort.

Oh, there she is. I'll see you later.

OK.

I hope you didn't mind not staying for the second feature.

Oh, that's OK.

I don't like those love triangles anyway.

You know what I mean.

Would you like a cup of coffee or something?

Oh, no, thank you, dear. I think we'd better go on home.

Oh, no, please don't. It'll only take a second.

Well, OK.

Think he's home yet?

No, guess not.

More coffee, anybody?

- No, thank you, dear. - No thanks.

- More pie? - No, no thanks.

No, three pieces are plenty.

I sure hope so.

This is ridiculous.

What's ridiculous?

What are they doing out this late?

You mean Rick?

Yes, Rick and Sally.

and Sally, what are they--

well, they're at a dance.

They're probably dancing.

All this time?

Well, then maybe they're not dancing.

They're not?

Then what are they doing?

Oh, well, I--

I-- I don't-- what are they--

I don't know.

I'm sure everything's all right.

I probably should have gone with him in the first place.

But I just didn't want to seem like I was spying on him.

After all, that would seem pretty

childish to go all the way over to the dance

just to spy on your husband. Sure.

Do you want to borrow our car?

Yes, please.

- The keys. - OK, thanks.

We'll wait for you.

Well, I hope it works out OK.

Oh, I'm sure it will.

Do you think I ought to phone ahead?

What for?

Well, to warn--

to-- would you like another piece of pie?

Why not?

- Oh, hi, Kris. - Oh, hi, Kris.

Hey, we sure want to thank you.

Don't we, sweetie pie? That's right.

You're the greatest when it comes

to getting people together. Oh, thanks.

Well, I'll see you later.

Excuse me, may I cut in?

I'm sorry!

I thought you were somebody else.

You're Kris, aren't you?

Yes.

I just wanted to tell you how beautiful your dress is.

Well, thank you.

This is Randy Stuart.

This is Rick's wife, Kris. Hi.

Hi.

Randy decided to come down to the dance after all.

Oh, well, that's wonderful.

I really don't think he trusts me.

Oh, she's kidding.

Well, it's nice to have met you.

I see you met Randy.

Oh, yeah.

He showed up right after the dance started.

Personally, I think he was a little jealous,

just like somebody else I know.

Oh, really?

Hey, wait a second, if Randy showed up right

after the dance started, what have you

been doing hanging around here all this time?

Well, I haven't been hanging around.

I went right home.

You were at the movie, so I went to bed and fell asleep.

Then I woke up and I heard Mom and Pop talking.

And they said you were over here, so I rushed right over.

You mean you were in bed asleep when I got home?

That's right.

Don't you believe me?

I'm not sure.

Tonight's "Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

was brought to you by Scott, makers of new Cut-Rite plastic

sandwich bags, the first and only sandwich bags that seal

themselves and stay sealed, Cut-Rite.