Original subtitles

Previously on "Southern Charm".

They did a scan on the spot on my kidney.

- Cancer? - I mean, they don't know.

Just when we thought Brett's health

was in the clear, he dropped a bomb on me.

Meanwhile, the rumor mill put Taylor in a sour mood.

Sally and Shep, they were just being

very negative about Gaston.

I [bleep] hate her boyfriend.

You're not alone.

Nobody else knows him.

Well, I think he needs to come around.

And as Craig was keeping a low profile at home-

I don't want it to be just a podcast room.

I think it's crazy that you and Austen

live in the same place, and you don't record

your podcast in person.

He's usually too hungover to do it.

Pat invited some of us

to celebrate her birthday.

Where's Craig?

I thought he was in Sonoma.

We don't really talk, or text anymore.

We see each other when we podcast,

but it's turned into business

more than like a friendship.

Which left Craig and Austen's bromance

on shaky ground.

Our friendship will never look like it used to.

I knew that that's how you were gonna take it.

You can either swim or leave.

♪ Ooh, ooh

♪ The rising tide

♪ Flip it up now

♪ He's a lonely sailor

♪ Sailor, sailor, sailor

♪ Mm-Hmm

Ew!

What is that?

Get the electrolytes.

Start the day strong.

See, we all need water.

You're not alone.

Huh.

Boots.

Wanna help me water the plants?

What is that?

Is that scary?

Yo.

Hello?

Where you at?

- What's up? - Not much.

I haven't been here in a long time.

I just passed my old house.

Oh my god.

It's come a long way, hasn't it?

It's like a real house.

It was just a piece of grass, remember?

- For the big boy. - I know.

This is a very good investment.

Dude, I literally can see it out my back window.

If this tree weren't here,

I think that I could see straight onto your house.

You gonna get anything?

Let's see what you got going on in here.

Like a Waterloo, or-

I might do an energy drink.

Those are energy drinks.

Okay.

I'll try this.

Are you aware of Taylor's

birthday on Friday? - Yeah.

Did you get the invite?

No? - No.

- No. - Are you kidding?

She won't even have, she won't even shake my hand,

it sounds like, barely.

I thought that maybe you'd wanna get

like a cup of coffee, or some ice cream.

Your new girlfriend doesn't care about that?

I don't know, I haven't really run that by anybody.

Are you gonna crash?

No.

Go have fun.

I'm gonna be down the street

at a concert that my friend's in the band in, you know?

Yeah.

And I'm gonna have fun.

Anyway.

I'm dying to hear about yesterday.

I thought that I was doing a good thing.

I was like, Craig, I'm coming to you

from a place of like missing my friend.

Like, if I'm going to lunch,

you're not on my phone call list.

If I'm going to get a beer,

you're not on my phone call list.

Because your answer is normally

I'm gardening or-

When's the last time you asked me to lunch?

That's what I'm saying, Craig.

Because it's always-

- But that's a you thing. - Okay.

And maybe I didn't get that part across.

So this is just like what you wanna do?

Like, you just wanna hide out

and not make the effort anymore.

Not make the effort?

Than what we do.

- We record- - I know.

- Twice a week- - I know, but-

And we see each other at the gym.

But Craig, man, that's business.

My whole life is business now.

He just like can't handle

any sort of constructive criticism,

'cause Craig Conover is living life perfectly,

and how dare anybody say otherwise?

Did you leave okay?

I actually haven't talked to him.

Is he so thin skinned now

that it's like talking,

it's not even worth bringing anything up?

My expectations have been here

of what our friendship should be,

so I'm not gonna bring it up anymore.

I'm just gonna lower the bar, I guess.

I mean, I told you guys in Camden.

It sounds to me like you just don't see

relationships the way I do.

Craig and I will never really be, like, close.

No, no.

You're right.

- It's all good. - Yeah, yeah.

Craig and I, we've just known each other

so well for so long, even though I sometimes wonder

how well I know him.

But I'm not as hurt by Craig's nonsense.

I don't want to be in a [bleep] place, dude.

I don't know, I hate that.

Yeah.

That's too bad, but nothing lasts forever anyway, you know?

We hope it does.

The best times, you know, always come to an end

with different people.

There's a lot of Shakespeare plays.

Henry IV part one and two

are about that.

- Hello. - Hi!

How are you? - How we doing today?

- Good. - Hello.

- Welcome in. - Thank you.

We know that it's soft shell crab season.

It is.

So we want to do the soft shell crab.

Yeah.

- Two of those? - Yes.

Perfect.

- Fun. - Yeah.

Birthday girl.

- It's your birthday? - Yeah.

- Big three-oh. - Oh.

I'm jelly. - I'm getting old.

So maybe I'll get you

a little key lime later

for to celebrate.

- Oh, wow. - Oh, thank you.

- Why not? - Why not?

Just keep this bucket near you, ladies.

- Oh, awesome. - And we'll find you shortly.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Enjoy, my pleasure. - Thank you.

Anytime.

Leslie will get in the car at any given moment

if I allowed her to come anytime she wanted.

We talk all the time.

We're texting all the time.

And I'm very thankful for it.

Well I'm glad you're here.

So glad to be here.

I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else-

- Did you have fun? - On your 30th birthday.

So catch me up on your life.

Tell me how you are doing these days.

- Doing good. - Okay.

This weekend, I will be throwing

a little birthday soiree.

Oh, I bet.

You know, I keep thinking about

me when I was 30, how different our lives are.

I was married, I just had your brother.

And thinking about how great it was

to be a mom and have a family.

My perception of 30 was not,

I'm like, oh, they're ancient, you know?

It was like my parents.

Now that I'm here, I'm like, holy

how did they do this?

Like, how did my mom have three kids

at the age of 36?

I'm like six years away from that.

Wow.

That looks incredible.

Thank you!

Oh, this looks great.

Ah, love collard greens.

Yeah, so anyway, you know,

I look at what you're going through at the same age.

I don't know where you know,

we lose your brother.

I have to say, I know this is hitting hard for you,

because your brother passed away after filming wrapped,

and I send my condolences to you.

Thank you.

And for you to go through all this stuff

in your 20s is really unfathomable.

- Mom, I can't- - Okay, we won't.

- I just, I really can't. - Okay.

Everything that I've been through

is just kinda like crazy.

I have my ups and my downs.

But your dad and I, we're so proud of you,

and how you've navigated these horrible waters.

And I know that if Worth were here right now,

he would just say, "Baby girl, you're rocking it."

It's been about nine months

since my brother's passing,

and I think hitting this big milestone

without a very key component in my life,

it is gonna be really tough.

Pardon me.

As I promised.

Hey, thank you.

- I was gonna do a candle. - Oh!

Oh, it would've blown out.

But it was way too windy.

- Thank you. - Appreciate it.

- My absolute pleasure. - Very sweet.

Enjoy, ladies.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

So Taylor Ann, what do you

most want for your birthday?

To be left alone.

Do you think that would be good for you?

Really, just kinda be sitting there by yourself?

Not on my own, by myself.

You know, you seem so happy

in this relationship that you're in with Gaston,

because he has been so good to you.

And he's been there by your side.

Gaston never got the chance to meet my brother,

and he stepped in at a very scary moment, I guess.

Your mom called me, and obviously this is a big one,

first without your brother.

Like right now, I just try to

not really think about it.

Yeah.

But it's like those moments where-

- You're by yourself. - It's kinda quiet.

Or like you really think about it.

Yeah.

Sorry, baby.

So.

Sorry.

Sorry. - It's okay.

And instead of running away,

he's like, can I help you pick up the pieces?

You know, I've never been a big celebrator.

Yeah.

I was so pissed off at Worth when he did the-

- I know, that surprise. - The surprise party.

And that was your 27th.

It wasn't even like a big one. - Yeah.

That's why I'm saying though,

if he were here, he'd be so excited

about baby girl turning 30, you know?

Oh yeah.

It would be such a big deal,

and just in honor of him,

for you to have a special day.

- Hey Paige? - Yeah?

Gorgeous.

- I do good? - Yeah, you did great.

Good job, chicken.

Good job.

One of your secret talents

is you were a florist in another life.

It's actually just being a girl.

Like, we do it all.

Does that come with the territory?

How many hats can I wear?

Look at us with an impromptu party.

Hi, what's up?

Taylor's birthday party

that we're supposed to go to tonight,

she canceled it.

So what does that mean now?

I don't know, should we have people over

in the backyard?

Yeah, whoever was going to Taylor's

can come here.

Well, I mean, I guess we were supposed to

celebrate Taylor, but instead we can celebrate my swimmers.

I don't know how comfortable I am

having a party for your sperm.

You'll be going in here.

Okay.

There's lubrication over there.

We have a TV setup if you need to use it.

Yeah, that's okay.

And then there are cups over here.

Make sure to get it all in the cup.

Okay.

Chicken.

You better get comfortable with my sperm.

I think I'm plenty comfortable with it.

Because part of the sperm process

is you have to decide what happens

to your sperm if you die.

Oh my god.

So I'm leaving you my sperm.

Is there a return policy?

In the rom-com world that I live in,

I die, and you're like, but I still wanna

have his children.

I would never do that.

What, I'm gonna have a child,

and then actively not give them a dad?

Baby, I know, but it's just,

instead of throwing it away immediately,

I want you to have the choice.

I'll talk to it, and put it in a jar-

- It's my gift. - Over my mantle.

It's my gift to you.

Um, let's go over what we're doing

for the party.

I ordered the barbecue.

Okay.

Even though I would've liked to cook for everyone,

I think you were right. - Yeah, I know.

Austen, does he know that Taylor's got canceled

and people are coming here?

I haven't talked to him since he came over here

and knocked my hustle.

I just, Austen just confuses me,

because I feel like he makes things up.

Like you just saw him at the gym.

You see him once a week

because you have a business together.

Well I mean that's why I was dumbfounded

when he said it.

I was like, if you don't value all of that time

spent together, and if there's something lacking

in our relationship, then you should go find a new friend,

because I'm never gonna be the bar guy again.

Our friendship will never look like it used to.

That's fine, man.

I understand.

I just would never tell you

how to live your life.

I also have this deep feeling

that Austen is foaming at the mouth

to say that the reason you're changed

is because of me. - Right.

Like, he's not gonna show up to our house

and be like, "Oh, you don't come to the bar anymore,

I never see you."

Like, get the outta here.

No, I know, baby,

and that's why I'm disappointed.

Austen likes to take people and blame them for stuff,

so in Austen's mind, people are the problem, not him.

I think he'd rather us break up.

100%.

I'll take my jersey off the wall

and head back to the bars.

Like, guess what makes me happy?

Me.

Yeah, and your boobs.

Or your butt.

Craig, come over.

Just kidding.

Not really.

Coming up.

Craig's hosting a party today.

Of course he is.

I did not hear about this party from Craig.

- Hey. - Hey!

What you doing?

Just messing with my flowers out here.

Mine look pretty good.

Yeah, they look real good.

I love it. - Thank you.

I had to do my own.

I did my own too.

Oh, okay.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, what are you drinking?

- Homemade lemonade. - Lemonade?

Yeah.

I made it myself.

- I guess you made that, too? - Of course I did.

No, I didn't. - Little homemaker.

I know.

You're the best little wife.

I'm trying to be.

I got, Brett told me some news.

What's that?

So he did some blood work,

and it didn't come back normal,

and they found a tumor on his kidney.

We don't know, we don't know what it is, but still.

So it's like, okay, like I didn't start crying,

or you know, but if I lost him, I would die-

You just gotta pray.

I just kinda, I don't know.

I don't know what to do.

All you can do is comfort him and love him,

and just keep telling him that you're right here

by his side.

I wished I'd done more for your dad,

but your dad was too far gone.

You know?

This is definitely the worst year of my life, for sure.

Because my dad was diagnosed with cancer, too.

But he didn't last.

This is life, I guess.

I just [bleep] hate it.

And I'm like, I [bleep] hate it.

Whatever it is, they're gonna get it,

clean it up, and life goes on.

All right, well I might switch this out

to something a little stronger.

All right. - Okay, baby.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

- Talk to you later. - Okay.

Bye, honey.

Oi, oi, oi.

I hate folding clothes,

but also, it's kind of therapeutic.

I'm surprised you even know

how to turn on the laundry machine.

You mean the washer?

I don't know why you bitch all the time.

I don't bitch, you bitch all the time.

About my inability to fold properly.

Very good. - Mm-hmm.

I like everything lined up,

I think from my glory days

of working at Abercrombie,

spraying Fierce on everybody that walks by.

What's up, baby tits?

- What's up? - Nothing much.

But I woke up today to find out

that Taylor's party is canceled.

I don't know if you talked to Craig or not,

but I mean he's hosting a party today.

Of course he is.

Well, I mean.

I did not hear about this party from Craig,

which I guess tells me everything I need to know.

Oh, Lord.

Damn.

Are you guys good?

I mean, that's what I'm trying to figure out.

Wait, wait, wait.

Hold on.

Just reverse, rewind.

What happened?

I kinda just had a convo with him.

How was that?

I thought that I was coming from a place

of being constructive with him,

because I didn't know how Craig was gonna react.

Yeah.

But I think that this kinda tells me

what I need to know.

I see what he's doing.

I know exactly what he's doing.

He's not extending the invite to me

'cause I told him something that he didn't wanna hear.

He's a petty little bitch.

I feel like you guys

have a little tension still.

It's like dueling brothers, but.

All right guys, we'll catch up next week.

- All right, babe. - All right.

All right.

- Bye. - Bye.

Jesus Christ on a [bleep] cross.

Come take my pulse.

I need my emotional support dog.

Coming up.

- I love that. - What is that for?

It was for Taylor's birthday.

I guess everyone has dick on the brain.

I was trying to have a classy party.

Do we need that stuff?

Well, we should bring the plates out on this.

Look, it matches my dress.

That's why I got it for you, chicken.

I don't know if we have any silverware.

We have regular silverware.

- Maybe they packed some. - up.

Home team probably did.

Should we take this out, or?

Sure.

I gotta get a lighter for the citronella.

Okay, well that's not a priority right now.

What's the priority?

This.

'Cause there's gonna be a lot of people-

Well, you know what happens when you take food out?

The bugs come, so citronella.

I did spray the yard, though.

I mean, do you want the food out?

I don't know.

Or do you want people to hang?

I don't know.

Oh, this is what I have to drink, look.

- Oh, perf. - White wine.

We don't have wine glasses.

Champagne.

No, these are outdoor wine glasses.

Here, let's put the food away.

Okay.

And then we'll make everyone a drink.

Okay.

Pull the whole thing, put it on that.

Yeah, I like having this clear.

Yeah, I agree.

This is my dream scenario.

Like, I built a backyard for entertaining.

I wanna be the house that my friends

can just show up to, or we can call an audible

and just be like, you know what?

We're going to Craig's for the night.

Is my eyelash falling off?

Don't touch, just look.

You have to ask one of the girls or the gays.

Why, you don't have eyes?

I've never been asked

are your eyelashes falling off, Craig?

Okay.

Turn 'em on.

- Well hello. - Hello!

Oh my god, the lady of the house.

Two hot new bombshells have entered the villa.

No, I love it!

I really was only concerned if you two were coming.

Duh, oh, thanks for bringing some ice.

Oh my god, of course.

Oh, thank you.

We've got white wine, champagne, rose.

I've got Modelo.

I'll make Ultra inside. - I'll do a Modelo.

That's perfect.

Hello!

- Hey, welcome! - Hi!

Hi!

- How are you? - Hi.

- So nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

Wait, that's amazing.

Thanks for coming. - It was for Taylor, but-

- It's good on ice. - I figured I'd bring it here-

- We'll eat it. - And we have a dick cake, so.

- I love it. - What is that for?

It was for Taylor's birthday.

Oh, that's funny.

But, you know, that didn't happen.

It says "Entering your 30s doesn't suck too bad."

Because everyone has dick on the brain.

I was trying to have a classy party.

I've never actually touched his wiener,

so like, chill out.

Craig and I, we used to sext each other.

I mean, I'm not trying to steal him

from Paige or anything.

Like, we only ever knew each other online.

They lived in the same town?

Wait, what is happening?

It's like a light, god is just giving us

a little sprinkle.

Craig, why don't you open this

for like two seconds? - Okay.

You can go to the screened in porch.

My weave, my weave!

Jeez, those raindrops are huge.

Oh no, our fruit, Craig!

Oh no!

Oh my goodness!

It's [censored] pouring!

Is it a hailstorm?

- Girl, run! - Oh, Venita!

God, it's a rainstorm!

Oh my god.

You look so cute. - Thank you.

Wait, I'm obsessed with your voice.

Ah, everybody.

- I hate it. - I love it.

Let's check the radar.

I had laryngitis, which is not contagious right now.

Also I've never seen Craig's backyard.

It's so pretty. - It's so cute.

All right.

I mean, the flowers are insane.

All right, Craig's got it.

- Oh my god I didn't even- - His landscape guy-

- Realize. - Really did do-

- He did a great job. - Such a great job.

Aye, aye, aye.

What?

The rain? - Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Why did Taylor cancel the party?

You know, I'm just getting vague information

in this game of telephone, so.

Yeah, I heard she went to her mom,

did lunch with her mom, got upset,

and then just canceled the party.

Is Craigy on the grill?

No, we had it catered.

Yes!

Nice.

He wanted to do it, and I was like, no.

I'm wearing a babydoll dress.

Yeah no, you can't.

You're like, I just wanna look good.

I'm not gonna lie, I was like,

didn't have anything for a Hawaii themed party,

so this couldn't have worked out better for me.

I know.

I was going-

Oh, that was the original theme?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah.

I had something, it wasn't full on Hawaiian,

but it was a nod to- - To the flowers?

- Colors. - Yeah.

Were you gonna have a pig,

roasting a pig?

I don't know what was gonna happen,

but when Craig said it was canceled,

I was like yeah, why would we not

just have everyone here? - Yeah.

You talk to Austen?

No, I'm not really talking to Austen right now.

Yeah, well he seemed a little perturbed

about you having a party.

He just came over the other day

and said he was mad at me,

and he doesn't think I'm a good friend,

so I was like, I invite you over here

all the time, and he's like, this doesn't count.

How'd he word it?

He was just like, "Oh, Craig invited you over there?

Oh, I wasn't invited.

Oh, I see how it is."

Yeah, that's what happens if you,

look, Austen, if you don't think I'm a good friend,

and if you don't consider this part of the friendship,

then I don't, I'm not gonna chase you down

and convince you to be my friend.

Craig has created a very beautiful bubble,

but sometimes it's nice to leave the biodome.

I mean, Craig can have an NA beer

and still go out and have a good time.

You know, there has to be a concession

to kinda keep these friendships going.

I don't know where any of this is coming from.

I feel like you guys

are like dueling brothers at this point.

Yeah, except like I'm kinda growing out of it.

You're like, I have my own brother.

- Yeah. - My own brother to deal with.

And I have a girlfriend.

Like, I'm not your boyfriend, Austen.

I mean, look, I'm not gonna extend

an olive branch to him right now.

Coming up.

Me and Gaston, we had a conversation yesterday.

Mm-mm!

He told me to keep his name

out of my [bleep] mouth.

- Hey, everyone. - Hi.

It's done raining if we would like

to come out here.

- Oh, is it? - Yes, we would.

Welcome, Venita.

Have you ever been here? - No.

Your home is so beautiful.

Oh, thank you.

I mean, I like that you put

those mature trees in along the fence.

- Hi, Leva! - Hi!

- Hello! - Oh, you look so pretty!

You look so cute!

It is so nice back here, Craig.

Thank you.

Like, why do I have chill bumps?

- Oh, wow. - It looks so good.

It looks so good.

It looks like an ad. - Thank you.

It's so good.

It's fun to share with everyone.

Aloha!

Oh, you look so cute.

- Hey, how's it going? - Good, welcome.

What up, sugar tits?

What are you about to call me?

- Sugar tits. - Slut and now.

- Hi. - Hi!

You look so pretty!

- Hey, how are you? - Good, how are you?

- Good, thanks for coming. - Thank you for having me.

Of course.

This is Paige.

- Hi. - Hi.

So nice to meet you. - Thanks for having me.

- You look so cute. - I love your dress.

Oh, thank you.

Is Craig getting you a drink?

Um, I don't know.

Okay, what do you want?

I love that we're all wearing blue and white.

I know, Brett was like,

"Oh my god, you look like a Mormon."

I was like, "I look like a Baptist."

Yeah.

I was like, are you kidding me?

He was like, okay.

I look like the hottest of the Sister Wives.

Yeah.

Molly, are you dating anybody right now?

No.

How are you single right now in Charleston?

'Cause I hate everything.

I think the ratios are off.

I think there's more women than men.

Yeah.

It's a mess.

It's always been a mess.

Then you think about the gay men,

so it makes the ratios even worse.

Yeah, that's true.

I debate dating.

And then I get, I don't know.

I don't know.

I never even know if anyone's flirting with me.

Like, I've had sex twice

in the past two and a half year.

Maybe one day.

Or I'll just, my hymen will grow back,

and I'll re-virginize.

Where's Manny tonight?

Is he in New York?

Oh, I didn't, did I not tell you?

- She's sad. - Manny moved to New York.

- Oh. - For Broadway.

Guess what?

Our anniversary's tomorrow.

It is.

And we've been dating specifically for eight months.

You are moving to New York

for the next four months minimum.

I feel like we need to have a conversation

about the fact that you keep saying four months,

and like it's probably gonna be longer than that.

Well, I knew he got the Broadway gig-

Oh no, baby, he's not coming back.

I didn't know that he's not coming back, though.

Mm-mm.

How do you feel about that?

- I'm here. - Okay.

Yeah.

New York is his dream.

Broadway's his dream.

But I was not included in a lot of the plans.

Yeah.

But yeah, so one day at a time.

My mom's disappointed.

- 'Cause they're close, yeah. - Yeah, very.

And this is the only boy she's ever liked.

And I've dated quite a few men.

Oh you have, have you?

Yeah.

Here, I'll put out the food.

This looks so good.

This is really good.

I'm gonna take that home with me tonight.

I'm so glad this worked out.

Me too.

This vibe is way better.

I'm confused on what happened with the other one.

Y'all, I don't know about you guys,

but Taylor never even told me it was canceled.

Oh, I didn't get invited.

Oh.

You beef with her?

We don't beef.

- But you're just not like- - We're not-

Besties?

She's dating my ex.

- Got it. - Yes.

Yeah, that'll throw a wrench right in there.

Yeah.

Wait, were you guys serious?

You and the guy?

- We said I love you. - Oh.

But, and that's not why we,

I don't think that's why we beef.

I have history with Shep.

Small history.

Like a two hour kinda- - History, got it.

And then she just didn't like-

- She found out? - Because of that.

Yeah. - Oh, okay.

Yeah.

It wasn't during their relationship or anything.

And then she said some things about me.

And they got back to me.

Classic.

Tell us.

What she said.

Yeah, we gotta know.

I mean, come on.

You can't sit on that.

You're just like, what'd she say?

Yeah.

She spread that I was a hooker.

She said high end, though.

- That's nice. - Well, that's nice.

Like, for politicians and stuff.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

She did the same thing to me last year.

Yeah.

Not that I was a hooker,

but just that I, well basically a hooker.

Yeah, I mean.

Wait, she said that about you?

Yeah, pretty much.

She said that I had another boyfriend

in New York City.

What about your girl cheated on you?

I was like, wait, I hope he's hot.

- Yeah. - Right.

I mean, I kinda, I don't know

her boyfriend at all,

but I'm definitely curious

what people like about him,

because I personally don't think he's attractive,

so I'm like trying to-

He can hear you from a mile away.

Wait, he's here?

No, I'm talking about his ears.

- Oh! - That was so mean.

It was so mean. - I was like, wait!

I didn't-

That was mean.

I kind of need to see a picture.

- Oh, I have plenty. - Okay, we'll see one.

How long have they been dating?

- Six months. - Since July,

'cause it overlapped with me a little bit.

- Oh. - Oh.

Like, he met my family on July 4th.

He was on my dad's boat.

And then like two weeks later, he was with her.

- Oh my god. - Yeah.

That is not what I was picturing.

- That's him. - Uh.

He's cute.

He's cute.

Okay.

We were, like, hot and heavy for a minute.

Yeah.

Wow, that looks passionate.

That does look passionate.

- He was great in bed. - Oh!

I got a more passionate man now.

You know him. - Oh, he's cute.

He looks like Jesus with tats.

Mm.

Also, Taylor slept with him.

Salley, way to bury the freaking lead.

Me and Andrew were best friends.

He was the one that got me

through the Gaston [bleep],

and I helped him get through the Taylor [bleep].

Why did you take your shirt off?

I've seen a lot of videos that start like that.

We bonded over it, and yeah, now we're dating.

Okay, well I'm happy that you have a new man.

Yeah.

How did you and Gaston leave?

I mean, are y'all like friendly, or not?

Oh, mm-mm.

- Don't speak? - Mm-mm.

Well.

Give it to us, Salley.

You're gonna sit in my backyard

and make eyes at Madison,

and not tell me the gossip.

I invited you to my home. - Well, nobody knows this.

We had a conversation yesterday.

Mm-mm!

First time since July.

What happened?

He told me to keep his name

out of my [bleep] mouth,

'cause he heard that I was,

I was like, listen.

I'm keeping a lot to myself.

It was like a two minute conversation.

And it escalated very quickly,

and he started raising his voice,

and I was like, I think I ended the phone conversation

with thank you for reminding me

of the kind of person you are.

And it proves to me that nothing has changed.

Oh, wow.

Coming up.

Austen said I'm a bad friend,

so I recorded the podcast by myself last night.

This is what you're supposed to use, right?

What is the difference?

Dude, I don't know.

I mean, literally.

It could be a broom.

The amount of times my dress has flown up,

and my hoo-ha has almost flown out.

Do you not have on underwear?

I don't have on anything under this dress, honey.

- Wait, you are scandalous! - I don't own underwear.

So it's just airing out the whole day?

Yeah, it's airing out, baby.

Let that thing breathe.

Hi, guys.

- Hey, babe. - Hey.

I saw you over there

smelling all the things Craig was making you smell.

It smells good, though.

Craig was telling me all the ways

that you have made things- - Lovely, nice?

Yeah.

Craig was like, she helped me

start doing things around here.

Like, doing the dishes, you know?

Yeah, just like folding laundry.

- Folding my laundry. - Here's a crazy thing.

Let's put our folded laundry away.

You want the place to look good

for your partner, like to show off.

Well I like houses that look like no one lives there.

So what is your thing that you don't like to do?

Oh my god, you're really putting me on the spot.

Popped right into my head.

Really?

Paige doesn't cook.

I don't not cook.

I just don't-

Well, you don't have to, 'cause I cook.

Cook, yeah.

Rodrigo, be honest with me.

Why did this party get canceled today?

I think that emotionally, Taylor's just a spin.

I feel like the stress of Salley coming around,

and having things to say

about her relationship with Gaston.

Well, what if there is some truth

to what Salley is saying?

I mean, why is Gaston calling Salley?

Why'd he call her yesterday?

- He did? - Yeah.

To say what?

To silence her.

- Are you serious? - Mm-hmm.

I mean, they shouldn't be having communication,

but like, from my knowledge,

you know, I heard that they were

both very toxic people to one another.

Right.

So I'm like, if you guys can both own

how you were in your relationship,

fine, do that.

But I mean, at this point, why is he calling her?

From what I've just heard,

it was to say, "Hey, listen, I'm hearing

what you're saying about me,

and you need to keep your mouth shut."

He told me to keep his name

out of my [bleep] mouth.

This town is like a soap opera on steroids,

with people dating each other's exes,

and it makes me worried about my friend,

because I don't want her to go through

the same things again with Gaston

that she went through with Shep.

Well, that makes this party cancellation

seem a little more, ooh.

His idea?

She's dating a dirt bag.

I'm cutting the cake, sweetie.

Please hold on. - Oh yes!

Let's all have a little bit of dick.

Do we have a candle?

I'm actually gonna stay here

and pretend this is my pool.

Yeah.

After you, my guest.

Oh, thank you.

Whoo!

Ooh, air conditioning is, Paige!

Not you in here cutting flowers!

She's so good at it.

I mean, she is doing housewife duties.

I'm so good at it.

Let me get you a water.

What about just engagement,

without being engaged?

- All good. - Well, we basically are.

Mm-hmm.

I think Paige has so much confidence,

she could care less.

Like married, engaged, whatever.

She, I don't think is gonna give a [bleep].

You guys should do this more often.

- Well yeah. - I think we will.

Yeah.

Did you feel-

I might call the cops on my own party.

So everyone goes home.

You did so good.

Thanks.

I socialized a lot. - You did.

And see?

It's fun.

I frickin' chatted it up.

Craig, what's going on with you?

So where are you with the boys?

Like, Austen texted me and was like,

it was very clear what you were doing at Patricia's,

and I said, "Taking over Craig?"

He's like, "We were not here to bash Craig."

And I was like, "Well, it kinda seemed that way."

You know, he is improving himself.

It's not like he's like- - Yeah.

- Doing anything bad. - No, no.

I mean-

It's turned into business

more than like a friendship.

Did you tell Madison Austen came over the other day?

He came over here,

and he basically knocked my hustle,

and said I'm a bad friend.

And I guess where I'm at is

if what we do already isn't good enough,

then he has to move on,

because like, I'm never going back

to that guy that he misses.

But also it's like, you're a grown man!

Who the [bleep]?

What grown man goes over to another grown man's house

crying that he misses them?

I was dumbfounded.

I was like, we're not dating.

Yeah.

Like, what are you talking about?

Paige, I think Austen wants to be you.

- I know. - Dress included.

Watch my back.

I mean, Craig's in love.

He doesn't wanna be with Austen anymore.

I love him, and I thought we were good.

I thought he was on the same page as me.

Apparently he's not.

So I recorded the podcast by myself last night.

Oh, really?

Like, I like doing the podcast with him and stuff,

but not when he acts like this.

I love when you get riled up.

Coming up.

JT just texted me.

I just know that Austen's gonna get really mad

if I have coffee with him.

Hola.

What's up?

Good to see you.

I got you some gardening shoes.

Oh, thank you.

Is that what those are?

I mean, I think they're for rain,

but they won't-

No, these are great.

You can spray them off the mud and stuff.

Yeah.

I've actually been looking for-

- Good. - Something like this.

- Good. - Thank you.

I'll tell you that these gardening shoes

will actually get a lot of use.

I love it.

All right, all right, all right.

What's up, man?

- What's up, brother? - How you doing?

Good.

You all right? - Yeah, good to see you.

- Yeah, you too, brother. - How are you?

Good to see you.

- I'm just gonna have a water. - Water?

Yeah.

I'll do a water, Diet Coke,

and do you have the Sam Adams NA here?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll do that too, thanks.

How are you gonna drink all that?

Well, I get to drink a little of everything.

You should try one of these.

They're really good.

- There you go. - Thank you.

No problem.

Can we do the jerk chicken quesadilla?

- The nonalcoholic beer? - We got dips.

Yeah, it's great. - Yeah, sure.

I'll try it.

- Cheers. - Is this good?

Taste it. - Yeah, okay.

It tastes just like beer.

Just like it. - Yeah.

Good beer.

Any, you can have it while you're driving,

you can have it-

While you're driving?

I always have it, yeah.

That's funny.

Thank you.

Ooh, yeah.

- Appreciate it, man. - Not a problem.

No, I texted you this morning

because this is insane.

The internet, I was coming to meet you,

and the internet knew that.

And created this montage,

but I think it's really sweet.

Here.

Look at the babies.

I know.

Just the two of us, and then sometimes the three of us.

Well yeah, we've had some great times.

It gives me goosebumps, man.

All the good times we've had

all around the world, and the United States.

Yeah, but that's why-

We don't have to live in the past.

As soon as we accept each other

for who we are- - Or who we become.

Yeah, yes.

I don't think I'm a very good mediator.

I've never really been asked to be a mediator.

Just think it's important to at least try

to maintain the bonds that were formed

over the years, you know?

And of course they're gonna be frayed,

but to try to repair them

is a beautiful thing, you know?

And I know Austen feels bad.

He's a little confused right now.

But I certainly have an opinion and a point of view,

so I could maybe butt in and try to

make them see eye to eye,

because Austen seeks friendship,

and I mean, how could you not be on his side

a little bit?

He's like, I miss my friend.

I mean, that's kinda lovely.

It's kinda nice and sweet.

My thing's just kinda-

Are you gonna give him a chance,

like, or you're not still pissed,

but you're just a little frustrated?

What's the deal?

You know, look.

You and I, when we have like,

disagreements and don't understand each other,

we can take space, because there's nothing

tying us together, other than our friendship.

Yeah.

So I honestly think the solution

would be to take a step back from the podcast.

Because then how you live your life

won't annoy me. - It's not a bad idea.

Instead of forcing yourself.

It has to be exhausting.

Well, especially when your chemistry isn't there.

You know, with the podcast, he wouldn't show up.

- Really? - Or he'd be hungover,

like Xanning out, or just miserable, you know?

And like, he bitched about our podcast tour.

And he was like, "I was there to have fun,"

and all this stuff.

I was like, "Yeah, no [bleep].

I had to do everything."

To your credit.

When I was doing y'all's podcast,

you were in control of the whole situation.

Well you know, it's supposed to be

the most fun time of the week,

and I started to dread it.

I didn't know all that.

I treat the podcast as a job.

We get paid a lot of money to do it,

and I do it responsibly.

He treats it as a party.

So maybe I'm outgrowing the arrangement

that we had before.

I think we can all get back to a great place.

Yeah, I guess.

JT just texted me.

"Would love to meet up with you, buddy.

Seems to be a lot of miscommunication going on here.

Hit me back if you're interested."

Do it.

I'm interested to see what comes out of it.

Um, I just know that Austen's gonna get

really mad if I have coffee with him.

But whatever.

Next time on "Southern Charm".

I don't know how to begin.

I've kinda got some butterflies,

if I'm being honest with you.

You can start.

I'll leave it to you, however you wanna start.

Why did Craig meet up with JT?

It felt like a direct ax in the beef.

I'm done.

I'm not doing this anymore.

How much would I have to give you

to sign papers saying Craig owns "Pillows & Beer" now?

- Wait, we're doing this? - Wow.

Madison said that you were saying

that Gaston was great in bed.

He was great in bed.