Original subtitles

MUSIC: The Cutter by Echo & The Bunnymen

So, let's firm up those plans, then, eh?

You, me, a bottle of pop and a large fish supper.

What about the kid?

What, Malcolm?

I suppose I can ask 'em to stick a saveloy in, as well.

I mean, he's not gonna be there, too, is he?

Not again?!

I've bought him a Walkman.

He can't hear a thing, I promise.

MUSIC BLASTS ON HEADPHONES

You can make as much noise as you like.

Jackie Moscrip, you're a terrible father.

Yeah. But I'm a great...

I'll see you Saturday.

Both of you.

HE EXHALES

They really are the most glorious things in the world, Malcolm.

Forget the flowers.

When I die, I want that church filled with beautiful women.

Wall-to-wall stone foxes.

No pigs.

And no eulogy.

Come on.

# Conquering myself until... #

So that's why it would be great

if you could come to my dad's funeral.

I don't think so.

Sorry.

Have you got any mates?

Are you sure you want me to do all these baps with Lurpak, Gemma?

It's very expensive.

Just use what's in the fridge.

All I'm saying is I can do you a mix of spreads -

it'll bring the cost down without necessarily diminishing the taste.

You know, the key thing is to, erm, whip the Stork up,

add a bit of salt, a tiny bit of lard,

and then add whatever butter of your choice before rounding it out.

Will you just use what's in the fridge?

I could save you up to �2, Gemma.

I don't care about �2.

And that attitude is why you'll never be a businesswoman

and I'm the OG boss bitch.

HE SNIFFS

HE MUMBLES

Dad...

How are you feeling?

TEARFULLY: I've still not managed to get any beautiful women

to come to the funeral.

RITA GUFFAWS

Oi, cheeky!

I'll be there.

RITA GIGGLES

I killed him, and then I let him down.

Oh, my God, you need to stop this.

You didn't kill him -

he was on the list for a triple heart bypass.

Those pills were the only things keeping him alive.

And you've written such a lovely eulogy.

He always said he didn't want one.

Well, I bet he didn't want Rita's mad sandwich spread either,

but that's what he's getting.

Look, you've done the hard part,

now you just need to read it out.

Mmm, you'll just...

- You'll say something nice, though? - FRONT DOOR SHUTS

Nobody wants to hear the truth at a funeral.

Morning!

Here you go. One eulogy.

Oh, I changed the font from Impact to Times New Roman.

Felt like the respectful thing to do.

TEARFULLY: That's perfect. Thanks, mate.

Go on, mate. Go cry it out.

Oh, can I have one of those?

I skipped breakfast.

I've been fasting.

- WHISPERS: - I found a rat in my bread bin.

- Ew! - Excuse fingers. - Oi!

These are for Jackie.

I hate to break it to you, ladies, but Jackie is...

Fine!

Fucking hell, you get less food at a mafia funeral.

Unless of course you've invited all of Jackie's exes -

in which case, there's not enough.

You pig! Gemma's been working really hard on that buffet all week!

- Oh! - HE MOANS SENSUALLY

HE PANTS

I can put them back if you want.

He is such a bellend.

Comments like that only make me stronger.

HE MOANS

ALL: Ew!

Isn't he a terror?!

RITA CHUCKLES

RITA CLICKS TONGUE

Disgusting!

Shit.

Shit!

Oh, jogging bottoms at a funeral, eh?

I admire the sentiment, king.

One last "fuck you" to the old man.

I'm not doing that!

Why would you think I was doing that? I'm not doing that!

Relax, Malcolm, it was a JK.

This is the last thing I'll ever get to do for him.

And I just want today to be appropriate, all right?

And I thought I'd bought a suit from the charity shop

and I can't find it now!

I mean, what if didn't buy it, eh? What if I just dreamt it?

- Gemma! SOFTLY: - Fucking hell.

- You yelled? - I got a suit from the charity shop, didn't I?

Yeah, I took it to the dry cleaners, like you asked.

Well, where is it now?

Probably still there. I gave you the receipt.

Did you? I can't find... I've lost the receipt.

I've lost the receipt!

Dad, it's fine. You've got loads of time, OK?

You can go down there now and just give them your name.

- What? - It's Malcolm Moscrip.

I can write it down for you, if you want.

Gemma, do you have any fancy bowls?

What kind of bowl?

Well, I wanted to decant the coleslaw from the plastic tubs

into something nice, show a bit of respect.

Oh, that's lovely! I can use that.

That's an ashtray.

That was my grandad's.

It's fucking filthy, is what it is.

Yeah, I can wash it, Gemma!

If I have to.

He's dead now, of course.

Will you use a normal bowl, Rita?

Yeah, but I can't find any.

Ooh, I could decant it into a mug!

No. We're not serving coleslaw from a mug at my grandfather's wake.

You know what I've just realised?

I'm finally an orphan.

- SIGHS: - Dad.

Right, you take him to get his suit.

Roger that. Come on, Little Orphan Annie.

It starts in 86 minutes, doesn't it?!

Yeah, we'll meet you at the crematorium.

OK?

MALCOLM SOBS

And, Rita? I'll find you something for the coleslaw.

Something fancy.

Mariah Carey there won't let me have a mug.

DEREK CHUCKLES

For your grief.

Ah, you sexy little bitch.

Whoo!

Can we go in yours?

Why?

It's nicer, isn't it?

Than the Jag? No, it fucking isn't.

Surely, you want to arrive in your dad's classic car.

It was his pride and joy.

I can't.

If I drive it, it means he's really dead, doesn't it?

Malcolm, I think the fact that we're setting fire to him later

is enough to suggest that he's really dead.

Look, it's been over a month.

You've got to drive it sometime, king.

Yeah, well, I will! Just not today, all right?!

Jesus! All right.

Such a baby.

Good girl. Ooh, can somebody help us?

- You all right? - Yep... - Oh, God!

Mm-hm. Sounded like a sloppy one.

All right, you just don't get any on you.

I'll take care of this.

- Hiya. - Thanks, babe.

Oh, God! You are a stinky bum today, hey?

Oh!

Oh, Sadie didn't shit herself on purpose!

I just wish I'd taken more photos of her and Grandad when...

Aw, luvvie.

- Now it's too late. - No, it isn't.

Don't say that. It's never too late.

Rita, it is too late.

They can do anything with computers these days, Gemma.

If you want, I can get you a picture of Sadie, Jackie,

Jesus and Freddie Mercury, you know,

all inside a barn that's floated out to sea.

I know someone that can do that.

You know, and not just photos.

I could get that image printed on a mouse mat for you.

A mouse mat.

Imagine that, eh?

- No. - Oh, can you have another look, please?

There isn't anything under the name Malcolm Moscrip.

I have a photographic memory.

What, and you put that to use in a dry cleaners?

I also do alterations.

Are we sure this is the right place?

PHONE VIBRATES

What is it?

We're at the dry cleaner's and they haven't got my suit!

Which one did you take it to?

The one on Mayford Road.

A dick called Johan works there.

Is your name Johan?

- Yes. - And are you a dick?

Do you see any customer service awards in front of me?

They haven't got my suit, so what am I gonna do?

OK, can you sort this out yourself?

Look, it's my dad's funeral in an hour.

Have you got anything? Anything? Please.

I have a something that might fit.

It's not black.

OK.

Hiya, Cat.

Catherine! Cat! Catkins.

Oh, Gary-bear!

Gary, did you get taller?

Oh, it's the pins in my legs.

I might get my arms done, too.

Can you imagine being able to reach things before other people?

Amazing.

Yeah.

I gotta say, Gemma, thank you so much for sorting all this.

What?

- Cat said you'd come through on the day release. - Hmm.

You hid Grandad's heart pills, didn't you?

Don't even joke about that!

We'll tell the baby, Auntie Gem-Gem moved heaven and Earth

to make their conception possible.

- Right, and special thanks to Grandad Jackie. - Oh!

Who sacrificed himself so our baby could be.

Fucking hell!

Ahem!

- Oh, yeah, this is Suki. - Yeah.

Prison officer.

My job is to help Catherine make correct decisions today.

Or else.

- Pow, pow, pow! - Ooh!

CATHERINE CHUCKLES

I've missed you so much, Cat.

- Aw! - I'd let you push me off a million fire escapes.

So things are properly back on with you two, then?

- Yeah. - Catherine explained it was a crime of passion.

She's always been very passionate.

- Yeah. - Not the word I'd use to describe her, but, OK.

UNDER BREATH: Shut up.

Catherine! Oh. Oh!

Dad, what the hell are you wearing?

Well, the dry cleaners lost my suit, didn't they?

So you borrowed one from RuPaul?

Er, I think Dad looks magnificent.

Oh, thanks, love.

Hey, it didn't look so bright in the bag, did it?

- It did not. - Come here!

Oh, ha, bums.

Sorry, Dad, I've used up all my hugs for today.

It's prison rules.

Oh, right, well...

What if I forget how to talk?

You know, I've ready gone a bit dry.

Have I gone dry?

Dad, no. It's a beautiful eulogy.

Thanks. I better go and practise. OK?

There is no way you think Dad looks good in that suit.

Oh, yeah?

Prove it.

MALCOLM SNIFFLES

MOURNFUL PIANO PLAYS

You know, my dad never cried.

Not even when he sliced his toe off

kicking that samurai sword.

Just different people, aren't you?

- Hi! - Hi.

MESSAGE CHIMES

I'm sorry.

Why? What have you done?

For your loss.

Yeah.

Missed you. Thanks for coming.

What is it?

Your Auntie Jess, she's not going to come.

Aw, Dad.

Yeah, well, they had a tough relationship, you know?

- Yeah. - Well, I think she thought he was a bit judgmental.

Oh, but I'd hoped she'd come.

MESSAGE CHIMES You know, just for me, but...

- I'm sorry. - Oh, look.

Here's a message from Tyrone.

- Oh, God! - Oh, God, that's not very nice, is it?

Right, I think it's time to kick off.

Oh, no, sorry, we've... we've got to wait for the celebrant.

Well, hello. Who do you think I am?

Francis. I'm your...

..your celebrant super sub.

I'm afraid your guy had a tiny bump on the A34 this morning.

Is he OK?

Yeah.

He did manage to WhatsApp me some very comprehensive notes

while he was waiting to be cut out of the wreckage.

Erm... Such a pro.

Where are my glasses?

HE CHUCKLES

Ooh!

Ah, silly old Francis.

I-I think we need to get on.

- Yeah. - Great.

- SOFTLY: - Who's that dick?

"John Richard Moscrip -

"Jackie, to his friends and family..." Mmm.

"..was a devoted and loving father to Malcolm and Jessica..."

Who's not here.

"..and adoring grandfather to Catherine..."

Yes! Top of the list.

- Made it. - Well done, baby girl.

"..Gemma and...

"Mice?" What...? Does that say Mice?

Mia.

That's my sister's daughter.

Mia? What, that's a name, is it?

- Yes. - Hmm!

Do you know, I've never heard that name before. Wow. Mi...

Mia?

Huh. You learn something new every day.

Mia. Mia. Mia!

I like it.

Actually, I really like it, yeah.

Right, back to Jackie.

"Very recently, he'd become a great-grandfather to..."

- Whoo. Scrolled past it. - Sadie. - "..Sadie."

Yeah, now... now, I do know that name.

Well, Sexy Sadie. Isn't it?

Is she sexy, your Sadie, hmm?

MALCOLM SOBS

She's a year old.

Ah.

Anyhoo, "Malcolm Moscrip will now say a few words

"about his dear dead dad."

You've got it, king. You've fucking got it.

- OK, mate. - Slay. - OK.

Fucking destroy it. Come on.

My dad, erm...

..Jackie...

There's a lot to say about my dad.

There's a lot I'd like to say.

PAPER RUSTLES

TEARFULLY: He didn't want a eulogy.

He was very firm about that.

And I'd like to honour him in the best way I can,

if that's OK with you.

MIC SQUEALS

Thank you.

Oh, shit.

OK.

MUSIC: I'm Your Man by Wham!

OFF-KEY: # Call me good, call me bad... #

- SOBS DROWN OUT SINGING - I'm going in, Gemma. I'm going in.

I can't... I can't do this.

Yes, you can, Malcolm! Yes, you can!

Eyes on me, king, you've got it.

- Am I going in? Am I going in? - Yes!

All right, I'm going in. I'm going in.

I'm going in. I'm going in.

# Baby, I'm your man... #

Here we go, it's you.

# Don't you know that...? #

OFF-KEY: # Baby, I'm your man... #

We'll go together, we'll go together. Come on.

- BOTH: - # If you're gonna do it, do it right

- BACKING TRACK: - # Do it with me

# If you're gonna do it, do it right

- # Do it with me... # - RITA: - Whoo!

# If you're gonna do it, do it right

# Do it for me

- # If you're gonna do it, do it right - Do it right

# Do it with me

# Whoo! #

I thought everyone would join in once we hit that second verse.

Yeah, me too.

And you wrote that song yourself?

Amazing.

I wish you'd told me you were gonna do that.

What, so you could talk him out of it?

Yeah.

MALCOLM SIGHS

- Hi. - Hi!

Wow. That was something.

Yep.

DEREK, MALCOLM WHISPER

Thanks for coming.

- I'm sorry for your loss. - It's OK.

Sorry for your loss.

- Fun I got to keep my clothes on, though. - Yeah.

Oh, you're being so brave.

WHISPERS: It's OK, Rita. Thank you.

Oh, please, take your fucking time.

You're not the only one incinerating

a family member today, mate.

MUTED CHATTER

There's, erm...

There's quite a lot, isn't there, babe?

Well, yeah, I didn't want people gossiping

about there not being enough food.

But, of course, what they're going to be talking about

is you hiring a chorus line of strippers.

Oh, you make it sound so seedy, Gemma.

You should've seen them at the audition. Oh!

Gemma! I can't shake Suki off.

How are me and Gary supposed to go and make a baby

if they keep following me around all day?

Maybe this is God's - or HM Prison Services' -

way of saying, "Don't bother."

You're having a baby?

We're trying.

We're trying to try.

No thanks to Gemma!

Cat, what more do you want me to do?

Draw him a map of where to stick it?

Get him hard for you?

Guide him in like cock Air Traffic Control?

Don't be so crude, Gemma!

GEMMA GASPS

I think it's a wonderful way to honour your grandad.

Thank you, Daddy.

- HISSES: - You fucking bitch.

- They weren't at the crematorium. WOMAN: - ..grab one of these.

- So, er, h-how did you know Jackie, then? - Whee!

- Hiya. - Hey, you. - Hey!

Derek's just told me how much they get paid.

Fucking hell!

Have you thought about a career dancing at funerals?

Well, I might have to.

Three months of applying and no bites.

I mean, what's wrong with me?

You're a single mum on maternity leave with zero qualifications.

Do you think I should stop putting that on my cover letter?

- Maybe. - Yeah?

I don't think they even knew who Grandad was.

- No? - No.

I'm gonna get my baps off that woman.

OK.

- Have you been with Auntie Cherry? - Right, come on.

MUFFLED CONVERSATION

Giv... Don't! Give me...

MUFFLED PROTESTS

Give! Give!

Hiya.

I love a man in a suit.

- SCOFFS: - What, even this one?

I wish you'd have asked me to dance for you, Malcolm.

I've got a very taut core.

Watch this. Whoo!

Whoa!

- Rita, can I have a word? - Oh, no... - Quick word.

- Yeah. - Derek...

Will you stop trying to seduce my grieving father?

I'm trying to lift his spirits.

Well, his spirits need to stay exactly where they are.

- Gemma? - What?

Can you distract Suki for me?

We only need a couple of minutes.

Like 90 seconds, max.

Jesus, Gary's a lucky guy.

I know.

Right, what do you want me to do? And nothing illegal.

Right, well, Suki - they really fancy your fit mate.

- Cherry? - Yeah. - Right.

So, could you like introduce 'em or summat?

And then me and Gary, we'll slip off to the bogs,

make a baby - as is Moscrip family tradition.

Go on!

- Fine! - Yes!

Suki, can I introduce you to Cherry?

Oh, God. Yes, please. Ha!

Cherry, this is Suki.

Suki is my sister's...

Guardian angel.

- You what? - Just go with it.

Oh, hiya. You are very pretty.

Do you...work with Catherine?

She's in prison.

Cheese twist?

You have not stopped all day today.

Yeah, well, I'm just trying to make sure

that everyone's having a really great time.

- At a wake? - I love wakes.

I think they're like weddings,

but you just don't have to get anyone a gift.

Why don't you sit down and get a glass of fizz?

No, because if I stop thinking about the food,

- then I'll think about my... - Hiya.

Hi, Gary. Where's Cat?

GASPING

No!

Gary...

SHOUTING

Run, my goddess!

CROWD EXCLAIMS

I'll find you. Just go!

- Love you, Gaz-bear. - You're my world!

- Fucking kill her. - SUKI: - Get off! Get...

Gary, that's not how you make a baby.

SIREN WAILS

Bloody hell.

- SOFTLY: - The food...!

- Right, on your way, Gary. - Malcolm.

Malcolm...

Sorry again, Malcolm, about the table,

and the food,

and your dad.

Ah, I should have said "dad" first.

Why didn't you say "dad" first?

SHE SIGHS

All I wanted was for my dad to have an appropriate send-off, you know?

Well, I think we achieved that.

HE SCOFFS

Plus we've got a family member on the run now.

- Oh! - He would have loved that.

FAINT CHATTER

I just wanted to say - the whole day was great.

I mean, a bit weird, but great.

My mum wanted a karaoke machine at her funeral,

got talked out of it by family.

Regretted it ever since.

I'm Elodie. Here's my number.

Yeah?

SHE CHUCKLES

Love the suit, by the way.

Pff! Yeah. Nice.

HE CHUCKLES

Like I'm gonna hire her again.

She cost a fortune.

God...!

DOOR SHUTS

DOOR OPENS

Oh... Oh!

Have I missed it?

I can't believe I've missed it.

There was a crash on the A34.

Malcolm.

Tommy?

Finally, in the flesh.

Well, you're a lot taller than I thought you'd be.

And about ten times more handsome.

I mean, how sexy is this guy?

Come on!

Bring it in.

TOMMY CHUCKLES

Oh. Oh.

Dad, who's this?

It's Tommy Moscrip.

Yeah. Jackie's son.

The other son.

Dad, you've got a brother?!

Erm...

Yeah.

Me.

CHUCKLES: Yeah.

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