Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,760 --> 00:00:05,560
MUSIC: The Cutter
by Echo & The Bunnymen
2
00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:10,359
So, let's firm up
those plans, then, eh?
3
00:00:10,360 --> 00:00:14,839
You, me, a bottle of pop
and a large fish supper.
4
00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:16,799
What about the kid?
5
00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:18,080
What, Malcolm?
6
00:00:18,081 --> 00:00:21,359
I suppose I can ask 'em to stick
a saveloy in, as well.
7
00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:23,679
I mean, he's not gonna be
there, too, is he?
8
00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:24,759
Not again?!
9
00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:25,999
I've bought him a Walkman.
10
00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:27,399
He can't hear a thing, I promise.
11
00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:28,959
MUSIC BLASTS ON HEADPHONES
12
00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:31,119
You can make as much
noise as you like.
13
00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:34,239
Jackie Moscrip,
you're a terrible father.
14
00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:35,719
Yeah. But I'm a great...
15
00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:37,120
I'll see you Saturday.
16
00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:39,440
Both of you.
17
00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:45,560
HE EXHALES
18
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:53,160
They really are the most glorious
things in the world, Malcolm.
19
00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:56,199
Forget the flowers.
20
00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:59,319
When I die, I want that church
filled with beautiful women.
21
00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:01,559
Wall-to-wall stone foxes.
22
00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:02,760
No pigs.
23
00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:05,680
And no eulogy.
24
00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:08,039
Come on.
25
00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:11,199
# Conquering myself until... #
26
00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:12,399
So that's why it would be great
27
00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:14,239
if you could come
to my dad's funeral.
28
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:15,799
I don't think so.
29
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:16,850
Sorry.
30
00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:19,600
Have you got any mates?
31
00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:29,319
Are you sure you want me to do
all these baps with Lurpak, Gemma?
32
00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:30,879
It's very expensive.
33
00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:32,439
Just use what's in the fridge.
34
00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:34,559
All I'm saying is
I can do you a mix of spreads -
35
00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:37,839
it'll bring the cost down without
necessarily diminishing the taste.
36
00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,879
You know, the key thing is to,
erm, whip the Stork up,
37
00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:42,999
add a bit of salt,
a tiny bit of lard,
38
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:46,639
and then add whatever butter of
your choice before rounding it out.
39
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,399
Will you just use
what's in the fridge?
40
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,759
I could save you up to �2, Gemma.
41
00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:52,239
I don't care about �2.
42
00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:54,319
And that attitude is why
you'll never be a businesswoman
43
00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:55,999
and I'm the OG boss bitch.
44
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,440
HE SNIFFS
45
00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:00,400
HE MUMBLES
46
00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:00,399
Dad...
47
00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:02,159
How are you feeling?
48
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:04,439
TEARFULLY: I've still not managed
to get any beautiful women
49
00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:05,919
to come to the funeral.
50
00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:07,880
RITA GUFFAWS
51
00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:07,879
Oi, cheeky!
52
00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:10,160
I'll be there.
53
00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:10,159
RITA GIGGLES
54
00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:12,039
I killed him,
and then I let him down.
55
00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:14,079
Oh, my God, you need to stop this.
56
00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:15,479
You didn't kill him -
57
00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:17,639
he was on the list
for a triple heart bypass.
58
00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:20,359
Those pills were the only things
keeping him alive.
59
00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:22,759
And you've written such
a lovely eulogy.
60
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:24,239
He always said he didn't want one.
61
00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:26,199
Well, I bet he didn't want Rita's
mad sandwich spread either,
62
00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:27,559
but that's what he's getting.
63
00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:28,799
Look, you've done the hard part,
64
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:29,999
now you just need to read it out.
65
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:31,239
Mmm, you'll just...
66
00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:32,919
- You'll say something nice, though?
- FRONT DOOR SHUTS
67
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,279
Nobody wants to hear
the truth at a funeral.
68
00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,479
Morning!
69
00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:39,879
Here you go. One eulogy.
70
00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:42,519
Oh, I changed the font
from Impact to Times New Roman.
71
00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:43,879
Felt like
the respectful thing to do.
72
00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:45,599
TEARFULLY: That's perfect.
Thanks, mate.
73
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:46,719
Go on, mate. Go cry it out.
74
00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:47,959
Oh, can I have one of those?
75
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:48,999
I skipped breakfast.
76
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,519
I've been fasting.
77
00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:51,759
- WHISPERS:
- I found a rat in my bread bin.
78
00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:53,799
- Ew!
- Excuse fingers. - Oi!
79
00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:54,879
These are for Jackie.
80
00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:57,360
I hate to break it to you,
ladies, but Jackie is...
81
00:02:58,800 --> 00:02:59,850
Fine!
82
00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:05,039
Fucking hell, you get
less food at a mafia funeral.
83
00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:07,239
Unless of course you've invited
all of Jackie's exes -
84
00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:08,319
in which case, there's not enough.
85
00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:11,119
You pig! Gemma's been working really
hard on that buffet all week!
86
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:13,879
- Oh!
- HE MOANS SENSUALLY
87
00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:15,159
HE PANTS
88
00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:16,640
I can put them back if you want.
89
00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:20,479
He is such a bellend.
90
00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:22,439
Comments like that
only make me stronger.
91
00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:24,439
HE MOANS
92
00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:26,079
ALL: Ew!
93
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:27,439
Isn't he a terror?!
94
00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:28,559
RITA CHUCKLES
95
00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:30,000
RITA CLICKS TONGUE
96
00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:30,000
Disgusting!
97
00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:33,919
Shit.
98
00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:34,999
Shit!
99
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:37,679
Oh, jogging bottoms
at a funeral, eh?
100
00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:39,359
I admire the sentiment, king.
101
00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:40,679
One last "fuck you" to the old man.
102
00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:41,839
I'm not doing that!
103
00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,439
Why would you think I was doing
that? I'm not doing that!
104
00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:45,039
Relax, Malcolm, it was a JK.
105
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:47,479
This is the last thing
I'll ever get to do for him.
106
00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:50,399
And I just want today
to be appropriate, all right?
107
00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:52,399
And I thought I'd bought
a suit from the charity shop
108
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:53,719
and I can't find it now!
109
00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:55,999
I mean, what if didn't buy it, eh?
What if I just dreamt it?
110
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,519
- Gemma!
SOFTLY: - Fucking hell.
111
00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:00,799
- You yelled?
- I got a suit from the charity shop, didn't I?
112
00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:02,719
Yeah, I took it to the dry cleaners,
like you asked.
113
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:04,079
Well, where is it now?
114
00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,999
Probably still there.
I gave you the receipt.
115
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:08,239
Did you? I can't find...
I've lost the receipt.
116
00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:09,439
I've lost the receipt!
117
00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:11,839
Dad, it's fine.
You've got loads of time, OK?
118
00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:13,719
You can go down there now
and just give them your name.
119
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:15,239
- What?
- It's Malcolm Moscrip.
120
00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:16,919
I can write it down for you,
if you want.
121
00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:19,359
Gemma, do you have any fancy bowls?
122
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:20,599
What kind of bowl?
123
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:22,839
Well, I wanted to decant
the coleslaw from the plastic tubs
124
00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:25,599
into something nice,
show a bit of respect.
125
00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:27,919
Oh, that's lovely! I can use that.
126
00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:29,239
That's an ashtray.
127
00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:30,639
That was my grandad's.
128
00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:31,879
It's fucking filthy, is what it is.
129
00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:33,479
Yeah, I can wash it, Gemma!
130
00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:34,879
If I have to.
131
00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:35,999
He's dead now, of course.
132
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:37,639
Will you use a normal bowl, Rita?
133
00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:39,839
Yeah, but I can't find any.
134
00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:42,039
Ooh, I could decant it into a mug!
135
00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:45,759
No. We're not serving coleslaw
from a mug at my grandfather's wake.
136
00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:47,440
You know what I've just realised?
137
00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:51,280
I'm finally an orphan.
138
00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:54,359
- SIGHS:
- Dad.
139
00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:56,159
Right, you take him to get his suit.
140
00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:58,479
Roger that.
Come on, Little Orphan Annie.
141
00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:00,759
It starts in 86 minutes,
doesn't it?!
142
00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:02,599
Yeah, we'll meet you
at the crematorium.
143
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:03,880
OK?
144
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:03,879
MALCOLM SOBS
145
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:06,719
And, Rita? I'll find you
something for the coleslaw.
146
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:08,239
Something fancy.
147
00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:10,319
Mariah Carey there
won't let me have a mug.
148
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:11,520
DEREK CHUCKLES
149
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:15,160
For your grief.
150
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,720
Ah, you sexy little bitch.
151
00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:26,839
Whoo!
152
00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:28,199
Can we go in yours?
153
00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:29,959
Why?
154
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:31,399
It's nicer, isn't it?
155
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:33,919
Than the Jag? No, it fucking isn't.
156
00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:36,519
Surely, you want to
arrive in your dad's classic car.
157
00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:37,719
It was his pride and joy.
158
00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:39,559
I can't.
159
00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:42,359
If I drive it, it means
he's really dead, doesn't it?
160
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:44,719
Malcolm, I think the fact that
we're setting fire to him later
161
00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:46,920
is enough to suggest
that he's really dead.
162
00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:51,239
Look, it's been over a month.
163
00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:52,919
You've got to drive it
sometime, king.
164
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,719
Yeah, well, I will!
Just not today, all right?!
165
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:56,839
Jesus! All right.
166
00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:58,720
Such a baby.
167
00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:05,559
Good girl.
Ooh, can somebody help us?
168
00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:07,919
- You all right?
- Yep... - Oh, God!
169
00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:09,839
Mm-hm. Sounded like a sloppy one.
170
00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:11,519
All right,
you just don't get any on you.
171
00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:12,599
I'll take care of this.
172
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:14,079
- Hiya.
- Thanks, babe.
173
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:18,119
Oh, God! You are
a stinky bum today, hey?
174
00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:19,400
Oh!
175
00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:28,040
Oh, Sadie didn't shit
herself on purpose!
176
00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:33,279
I just wish I'd taken more
photos of her and Grandad when...
177
00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:34,560
Aw, luvvie.
178
00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:37,879
- Now it's too late.
- No, it isn't.
179
00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:40,519
Don't say that.
It's never too late.
180
00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:42,119
Rita, it is too late.
181
00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:45,519
They can do anything with
computers these days, Gemma.
182
00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:48,119
If you want, I can get you
a picture of Sadie, Jackie,
183
00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:51,079
Jesus and Freddie Mercury, you know,
184
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:53,479
all inside a barn
that's floated out to sea.
185
00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:55,719
I know someone that can do that.
186
00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:58,119
You know, and not just photos.
187
00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:02,119
I could get that image
printed on a mouse mat for you.
188
00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:03,959
A mouse mat.
189
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:05,880
Imagine that, eh?
190
00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:23,919
- No.
- Oh, can you have another look, please?
191
00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:26,799
There isn't anything
under the name Malcolm Moscrip.
192
00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:28,239
I have a photographic memory.
193
00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,879
What, and you put that
to use in a dry cleaners?
194
00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:30,999
I also do alterations.
195
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:32,599
Are we sure this is the right place?
196
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:35,719
PHONE VIBRATES
197
00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:37,039
What is it?
198
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,879
We're at the dry cleaner's
and they haven't got my suit!
199
00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:40,799
Which one did you take it to?
200
00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:42,039
The one on Mayford Road.
201
00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:43,999
A dick called Johan works there.
202
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:45,199
Is your name Johan?
203
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:47,879
- Yes.
- And are you a dick?
204
00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:50,559
Do you see any customer service
awards in front of me?
205
00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:52,639
They haven't got my suit,
so what am I gonna do?
206
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:54,480
OK, can you sort this out yourself?
207
00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:59,719
Look, it's my dad's funeral
in an hour.
208
00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:01,840
Have you got anything?
Anything? Please.
209
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:13,879
I have a something that might fit.
210
00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:15,319
It's not black.
211
00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:16,840
OK.
212
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:35,479
Hiya, Cat.
213
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:39,039
Catherine! Cat! Catkins.
214
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:42,160
Oh, Gary-bear!
215
00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:44,639
Gary, did you get taller?
216
00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:46,399
Oh, it's the pins in my legs.
217
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,279
I might get my arms done, too.
218
00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:50,839
Can you imagine being able to reach
things before other people?
219
00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:52,039
Amazing.
220
00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:53,279
Yeah.
221
00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:56,119
I gotta say, Gemma, thank you
so much for sorting all this.
222
00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:57,439
What?
223
00:08:57,440 --> 00:09:00,479
- Cat said you'd come through
on the day release. - Hmm.
224
00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:02,919
You hid Grandad's
heart pills, didn't you?
225
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:05,159
Don't even joke about that!
226
00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:08,719
We'll tell the baby, Auntie Gem-Gem
moved heaven and Earth
227
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:11,119
to make their conception possible.
228
00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:12,999
- Right, and special thanks
to Grandad Jackie. - Oh!
229
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:16,199
Who sacrificed himself
so our baby could be.
230
00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:17,479
Fucking hell!
231
00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:18,919
Ahem!
232
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:21,839
- Oh, yeah, this is Suki.
- Yeah.
233
00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:23,079
Prison officer.
234
00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:26,119
My job is to help Catherine make
correct decisions today.
235
00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:27,639
Or else.
236
00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,640
- Pow, pow, pow!
- Ooh!
237
00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,640
CATHERINE CHUCKLES
238
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:32,719
I've missed you so much, Cat.
239
00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:35,799
- Aw!
- I'd let you push me off a million fire escapes.
240
00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:38,239
So things are properly
back on with you two, then?
241
00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:41,959
- Yeah.
- Catherine explained it was a crime of passion.
242
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:43,159
She's always been very passionate.
243
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,999
- Yeah.
- Not the word I'd use to describe her, but, OK.
244
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:47,079
UNDER BREATH: Shut up.
245
00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:50,319
Catherine! Oh. Oh!
246
00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,159
Dad, what the hell are you wearing?
247
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:54,199
Well, the dry cleaners lost my suit,
didn't they?
248
00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:56,039
So you borrowed one from RuPaul?
249
00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:57,519
Er, I think Dad looks magnificent.
250
00:09:57,520 --> 00:09:58,719
Oh, thanks, love.
251
00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:00,639
Hey, it didn't look
so bright in the bag, did it?
252
00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:02,399
- It did not.
- Come here!
253
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,359
Oh, ha, bums.
254
00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:07,639
Sorry, Dad,
I've used up all my hugs for today.
255
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,439
It's prison rules.
256
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:11,239
Oh, right, well...
257
00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:13,079
What if I forget how to talk?
258
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,839
You know, I've ready gone a bit dry.
259
00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:16,079
Have I gone dry?
260
00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:18,919
Dad, no. It's a beautiful eulogy.
261
00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:21,360
Thanks. I better go and practise.
OK?
262
00:10:21,361 --> 00:10:25,359
There is no way you think
Dad looks good in that suit.
263
00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:26,759
Oh, yeah?
264
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,120
Prove it.
265
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:45,880
MALCOLM SNIFFLES
266
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,320
MOURNFUL PIANO PLAYS
267
00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:01,519
You know, my dad never cried.
268
00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:03,439
Not even when he sliced his toe off
269
00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:05,399
kicking that samurai sword.
270
00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:07,200
Just different people, aren't you?
271
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:10,160
- Hi!
- Hi.
272
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:10,159
MESSAGE CHIMES
273
00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:11,359
I'm sorry.
274
00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:12,639
Why? What have you done?
275
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,039
For your loss.
276
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:15,160
Yeah.
277
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:19,080
Missed you. Thanks for coming.
278
00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:23,840
What is it?
279
00:11:23,841 --> 00:11:27,279
Your Auntie Jess,
she's not going to come.
280
00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:28,799
Aw, Dad.
281
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:31,999
Yeah, well, they had
a tough relationship, you know?
282
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:35,239
- Yeah.
- Well, I think she thought he was a bit judgmental.
283
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:36,599
Oh, but I'd hoped she'd come.
284
00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:37,959
MESSAGE CHIMES
You know, just for me, but...
285
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:39,959
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, look.
286
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:41,640
Here's a message from Tyrone.
287
00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:45,799
- Oh, God!
- Oh, God, that's not very nice, is it?
288
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:47,639
Right, I think
it's time to kick off.
289
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:50,399
Oh, no, sorry, we've...
we've got to wait for the celebrant.
290
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,599
Well, hello. Who do you think I am?
291
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,039
Francis. I'm your...
292
00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:55,479
..your celebrant super sub.
293
00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:58,639
I'm afraid your guy had a tiny bump
on the A34 this morning.
294
00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:00,159
Is he OK?
295
00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:01,479
Yeah.
296
00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:03,479
He did manage to WhatsApp me
some very comprehensive notes
297
00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:05,439
while he was waiting
to be cut out of the wreckage.
298
00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:06,959
Erm... Such a pro.
299
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,240
Where are my glasses?
300
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:11,760
HE CHUCKLES
301
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:14,639
Ooh!
302
00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:15,880
Ah, silly old Francis.
303
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,039
I-I think we need to get on.
304
00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:21,120
- Yeah.
- Great.
305
00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:28,120
- SOFTLY:
- Who's that dick?
306
00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:40,119
"John Richard Moscrip -
307
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:42,879
"Jackie, to his friends
and family..." Mmm.
308
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:47,319
"..was a devoted and loving father
to Malcolm and Jessica..."
309
00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:48,639
Who's not here.
310
00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:51,359
"..and adoring grandfather
to Catherine..."
311
00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:53,279
Yes! Top of the list.
312
00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:54,839
- Made it.
- Well done, baby girl.
313
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:56,719
"..Gemma and...
314
00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:59,159
"Mice?" What...? Does that say Mice?
315
00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:00,559
Mia.
316
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:02,199
That's my sister's daughter.
317
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:04,159
Mia? What, that's a name, is it?
318
00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:05,479
- Yes.
- Hmm!
319
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,719
Do you know, I've never heard
that name before. Wow. Mi...
320
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:08,959
Mia?
321
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:10,479
Huh. You learn something
new every day.
322
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:12,159
Mia. Mia. Mia!
323
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:13,719
I like it.
324
00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:15,639
Actually, I really like it, yeah.
325
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:17,279
Right, back to Jackie.
326
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:20,639
"Very recently, he'd become
a great-grandfather to..."
327
00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:22,519
- Whoo. Scrolled past it.
- Sadie. - "..Sadie."
328
00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:24,279
Yeah, now...
now, I do know that name.
329
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:25,799
Well, Sexy Sadie. Isn't it?
330
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:28,239
Is she sexy, your Sadie, hmm?
331
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,240
MALCOLM SOBS
332
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,239
She's a year old.
333
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:31,679
Ah.
334
00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:35,239
Anyhoo, "Malcolm Moscrip will
now say a few words
335
00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:38,000
"about his dear dead dad."
336
00:13:38,001 --> 00:13:41,519
You've got it, king.
You've fucking got it.
337
00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:43,039
- OK, mate.
- Slay. - OK.
338
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:44,840
Fucking destroy it. Come on.
339
00:13:57,560 --> 00:13:59,160
My dad, erm...
340
00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:02,720
..Jackie...
341
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:08,040
There's a lot to say about my dad.
342
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:11,600
There's a lot I'd like to say.
343
00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:18,719
PAPER RUSTLES
344
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:20,719
TEARFULLY: He didn't want a eulogy.
345
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:22,440
He was very firm about that.
346
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:29,319
And I'd like to honour him
in the best way I can,
347
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:30,680
if that's OK with you.
348
00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:35,000
MIC SQUEALS
349
00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:34,999
Thank you.
350
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,080
Oh, shit.
351
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:39,599
OK.
352
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:41,680
MUSIC: I'm Your Man
by Wham!
353
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:57,279
OFF-KEY: # Call me good,
call me bad... #
354
00:14:57,280 --> 00:14:59,999
- SOBS DROWN OUT SINGING
- I'm going in, Gemma. I'm going in.
355
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,319
I can't... I can't do this.
356
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:02,999
Yes, you can, Malcolm! Yes, you can!
357
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,319
Eyes on me, king, you've got it.
358
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:05,919
- Am I going in? Am I going in?
- Yes!
359
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,119
All right, I'm going in.
I'm going in.
360
00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:08,719
I'm going in. I'm going in.
361
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:13,519
# Baby, I'm your man... #
362
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:14,639
Here we go, it's you.
363
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:16,359
# Don't you know that...? #
364
00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:20,599
OFF-KEY: # Baby, I'm your man... #
365
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:23,319
We'll go together,
we'll go together. Come on.
366
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:25,799
- BOTH:
- # If you're gonna do it, do it right
367
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,199
- BACKING TRACK:
- # Do it with me
368
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,079
# If you're gonna do it, do it right
369
00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:30,599
- # Do it with me... #
- RITA: - Whoo!
370
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:32,959
# If you're gonna do it, do it right
371
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:34,999
# Do it for me
372
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,039
- # If you're gonna do it, do it right
- Do it right
373
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:38,279
# Do it with me
374
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:40,960
# Whoo! #
375
00:15:40,961 --> 00:15:45,399
I thought everyone would join in
once we hit that second verse.
376
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:46,679
Yeah, me too.
377
00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:48,199
And you wrote that song yourself?
378
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:49,479
Amazing.
379
00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:51,119
I wish you'd told me
you were gonna do that.
380
00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:52,599
What, so you could
talk him out of it?
381
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,160
Yeah.
382
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,159
MALCOLM SIGHS
383
00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:56,920
- Hi.
- Hi!
384
00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,639
Wow. That was something.
385
00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:02,000
Yep.
386
00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,999
DEREK, MALCOLM WHISPER
387
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,159
Thanks for coming.
388
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:05,479
- I'm sorry for your loss.
- It's OK.
389
00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:07,199
Sorry for your loss.
390
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,490
- Fun I got to keep my clothes on,
though. - Yeah.
391
00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:12,799
Oh, you're being so brave.
392
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:14,319
WHISPERS: It's OK, Rita. Thank you.
393
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:16,599
Oh, please, take your fucking time.
394
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:17,919
You're not the only one incinerating
395
00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:19,320
a family member today, mate.
396
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,680
MUTED CHATTER
397
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:29,639
There's, erm...
398
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:31,399
There's quite a lot,
isn't there, babe?
399
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:33,119
Well, yeah,
I didn't want people gossiping
400
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:34,559
about there not being enough food.
401
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,439
But, of course, what they're
going to be talking about
402
00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:38,559
is you hiring
a chorus line of strippers.
403
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:40,839
Oh, you make it sound
so seedy, Gemma.
404
00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:43,239
You should've seen them
at the audition. Oh!
405
00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:46,359
Gemma! I can't shake Suki off.
406
00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:48,759
How are me and Gary
supposed to go and make a baby
407
00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:50,959
if they keep following me
around all day?
408
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,279
Maybe this is God's -
or HM Prison Services' -
409
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:54,719
way of saying, "Don't bother."
410
00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:56,159
You're having a baby?
411
00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:57,479
We're trying.
412
00:16:57,480 --> 00:16:58,759
We're trying to try.
413
00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:00,159
No thanks to Gemma!
414
00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:01,519
Cat, what more do you want me to do?
415
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,359
Draw him a map of where to stick it?
416
00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:04,439
Get him hard for you?
417
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:06,359
Guide him in like
cock Air Traffic Control?
418
00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:07,839
Don't be so crude, Gemma!
419
00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:09,119
GEMMA GASPS
420
00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:11,319
I think it's a wonderful way
to honour your grandad.
421
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:12,639
Thank you, Daddy.
422
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:13,839
- HISSES:
- You fucking bitch.
423
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:15,999
- They weren't at the crematorium.
WOMAN: - ..grab one of these.
424
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:19,199
- So, er, h-how did you know
Jackie, then? - Whee!
425
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:21,199
- Hiya.
- Hey, you. - Hey!
426
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,479
Derek's just told me how
much they get paid.
427
00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:25,039
Fucking hell!
428
00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:27,119
Have you thought about
a career dancing at funerals?
429
00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:28,599
Well, I might have to.
430
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:30,239
Three months of applying
and no bites.
431
00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:31,519
I mean, what's wrong with me?
432
00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:34,159
You're a single mum on maternity
leave with zero qualifications.
433
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,119
Do you think I should stop putting
that on my cover letter?
434
00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:37,399
- Maybe.
- Yeah?
435
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,319
I don't think
they even knew who Grandad was.
436
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:40,639
- No?
- No.
437
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:42,199
I'm gonna get
my baps off that woman.
438
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:43,559
OK.
439
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,359
- Have you been with Auntie Cherry?
- Right, come on.
440
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:47,279
MUFFLED CONVERSATION
441
00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:48,880
Giv... Don't! Give me...
442
00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:48,879
MUFFLED PROTESTS
443
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:50,280
Give! Give!
444
00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:54,039
Hiya.
445
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:55,319
I love a man in a suit.
446
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:56,919
- SCOFFS:
- What, even this one?
447
00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:59,079
I wish you'd have asked me
to dance for you, Malcolm.
448
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:00,559
I've got a very taut core.
449
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:02,479
Watch this. Whoo!
450
00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:04,119
Whoa!
451
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:07,239
- Rita, can I have a word?
- Oh, no... - Quick word.
452
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:08,439
- Yeah.
- Derek...
453
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:11,359
Will you stop trying
to seduce my grieving father?
454
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:12,799
I'm trying to lift his spirits.
455
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:15,799
Well, his spirits need
to stay exactly where they are.
456
00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:18,279
- Gemma?
- What?
457
00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,279
Can you distract Suki for me?
458
00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:21,759
We only need a couple of minutes.
459
00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:23,319
Like 90 seconds, max.
460
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:25,399
Jesus, Gary's a lucky guy.
461
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,039
I know.
462
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:29,199
Right, what do you want me to do?
And nothing illegal.
463
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:33,639
Right, well, Suki -
they really fancy your fit mate.
464
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:36,239
- Cherry?
- Yeah. - Right.
465
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:39,759
So, could you like
introduce 'em or summat?
466
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:42,879
And then me and Gary,
we'll slip off to the bogs,
467
00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:47,119
make a baby -
as is Moscrip family tradition.
468
00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:48,839
Go on!
469
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:51,439
- Fine!
- Yes!
470
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:54,159
Suki, can I introduce you to Cherry?
471
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:55,879
Oh, God. Yes, please. Ha!
472
00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:57,599
Cherry, this is Suki.
473
00:18:57,600 --> 00:18:59,279
Suki is my sister's...
474
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:00,519
Guardian angel.
475
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:03,159
- You what?
- Just go with it.
476
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:06,440
Oh, hiya. You are very pretty.
477
00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:10,080
Do you...work with Catherine?
478
00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:13,119
She's in prison.
479
00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:14,319
Cheese twist?
480
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,119
You have not stopped all day today.
481
00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:17,799
Yeah, well,
I'm just trying to make sure
482
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:19,759
that everyone's having
a really great time.
483
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:21,879
- At a wake?
- I love wakes.
484
00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:23,119
I think they're like weddings,
485
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,759
but you just don't have to get
anyone a gift.
486
00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:26,399
Why don't you sit down
and get a glass of fizz?
487
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:28,319
No, because if I stop thinking
about the food,
488
00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:29,999
- then I'll think about my...
- Hiya.
489
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,040
Hi, Gary. Where's Cat?
490
00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:34,880
GASPING
491
00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:34,879
No!
492
00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:36,079
Gary...
493
00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:37,439
SHOUTING
494
00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:38,719
Run, my goddess!
495
00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:39,759
CROWD EXCLAIMS
496
00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:41,399
I'll find you. Just go!
497
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:42,679
- Love you, Gaz-bear.
- You're my world!
498
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:44,279
- Fucking kill her.
- SUKI: - Get off! Get...
499
00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:46,120
Gary, that's not how
you make a baby.
500
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:49,440
SIREN WAILS
501
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:49,440
Bloody hell.
502
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:52,319
- SOFTLY:
- The food...!
503
00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:54,130
- Right, on your way, Gary.
- Malcolm.
504
00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:56,559
Malcolm...
505
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:59,279
Sorry again, Malcolm,
about the table,
506
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:00,959
and the food,
507
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,919
and your dad.
508
00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:04,399
Ah, I should have said "dad" first.
509
00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:05,960
Why didn't you say "dad" first?
510
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:12,920
SHE SIGHS
511
00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:18,730
All I wanted was for my dad to have
an appropriate send-off, you know?
512
00:20:18,731 --> 00:20:21,479
Well, I think we achieved that.
513
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:22,840
HE SCOFFS
514
00:20:22,841 --> 00:20:26,799
Plus we've got a family member
on the run now.
515
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,199
- Oh!
- He would have loved that.
516
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:29,439
FAINT CHATTER
517
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:32,199
I just wanted to say -
the whole day was great.
518
00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:35,159
I mean, a bit weird, but great.
519
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,719
My mum wanted a karaoke machine
at her funeral,
520
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:39,919
got talked out of it by family.
521
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:41,479
Regretted it ever since.
522
00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:43,919
I'm Elodie. Here's my number.
523
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:45,200
Yeah?
524
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:45,199
SHE CHUCKLES
525
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,639
Love the suit, by the way.
526
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:50,039
Pff! Yeah. Nice.
527
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:51,200
HE CHUCKLES
528
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:55,399
Like I'm gonna hire her again.
529
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:56,839
She cost a fortune.
530
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,440
God...!
531
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,439
DOOR SHUTS
532
00:20:58,440 --> 00:20:59,999
DOOR OPENS
533
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:01,639
Oh... Oh!
534
00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:03,239
Have I missed it?
535
00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:05,519
I can't believe I've missed it.
536
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:07,040
There was a crash on the A34.
537
00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:10,679
Malcolm.
538
00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:12,439
Tommy?
539
00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:15,200
Finally, in the flesh.
540
00:21:15,201 --> 00:21:18,519
Well, you're a lot taller
than I thought you'd be.
541
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:20,679
And about ten times more handsome.
542
00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:22,999
I mean, how sexy is this guy?
543
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:24,719
Come on!
544
00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:26,200
Bring it in.
545
00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:26,200
TOMMY CHUCKLES
546
00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:29,639
Oh. Oh.
547
00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:31,400
Dad, who's this?
548
00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:34,839
It's Tommy Moscrip.
549
00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:37,679
Yeah. Jackie's son.
550
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:38,959
The other son.
551
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:40,839
Dad, you've got a brother?!
552
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:42,280
Erm...
553
00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:45,399
Yeah.
554
00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:47,119
Me.
555
00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:48,680
CHUCKLES: Yeah.
556
00:21:48,730 --> 00:21:53,280
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
38769
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.