Original subtitles

(dramatic music)

(wind whooshing)

(ominous music)

(upbeat jazz music)

- [Woman] Judgment day.

For the 15 American beauty finalists seeking the coveted

national beauty title, it's the long-awaited moment.

We'd say they all look like prize winners.

Picked from entries representing

practically every state in the union,

they're the cream of the crop.

- And, of course, a good deal

of this credit goes to my mother.

(upbeat music)

* The most beautiful girl in the world *

* Picks my ties out, eats my candy *

* Drinks my brandy

* The most beautiful girl in the world *

* The most beautiful star in the world *

* Isn't Garbo, isn't Dietrich

* But the sweet trick who can make me believe *

* It's a beautiful world

* Social, not a bit

* Natural kind of wit

* She'd shine anywhere and she hasn't got platinum hair *

* The most beautiful house in the world *

* Has a mortgage, what do I hear *

* It's goodbye care

* When my slippers are next to the ones that belong *

* To the one and only, the one and only *

* The one and only beautiful girl in the world *

(dentist tool whirring)

- How long till they're straight?

- You'll have beautiful teeth by your 16th birthday.

- Just in time for Junior Miss.

- So how are you going to be paying for this?

- Cash, monthly.

(coins rattling)

10, 30, 50.

(light playful music)

(bike horn squeaking)

- Where you been?

(door slamming) - Out.

- Answer your mother.

- Out.

- Don't you be a smart-ass.

- Lurdy, she's my kid, not yours.

- Well, as long as she's living under my roof,

she ain't gonna talk- - Your roof?

- To me that way- - You ain't got a roof.

This is my roof.

Where are you going?

- To work. - Well, you want some pizza?

- That's my pizza. - I deserve it, too.

- Can you get me a beer? - I deserve it as well.

(door thudding)

So, do you want some pizza?

- Knock first!

- Oh, Mona, don't aggravate me.

I got a headache.

- When the "Do Not Enter" sign is up, you knock first.

- Mona, do you want something to eat or not?

- I want you to knock first.

(door slamming)

(fist pounding)

- Can I come in? - No.

Hi, my name is Ramona...

Okay.

Hello, my name is Ramona Hibbard, but my, ugh.

(Mona sighs)

Hello, my name is Ramona Hibbard,

but my friends call me Mona.

I'm the owner of MND, Mona's Neighborhood Deliveries.

I have a variety of household items that you may need,

but don't have enough time to go

all the way to the store to buy.

In laundry detergent, I can offer you Fab or Tide.

Here's my card.

Here's my card.

Here's my card.

- You want a five percent discount now?

- No, Gerald over at Piggly-Wiggly told me

he'd give me a five percent discount.

It's 10 to you.

- I can't do that.

(Mona scoffs) Nice doing business with you.

- Hold on, wait a minute, Mona.

(bag rustling) - All right, there you are.

- There you go.

- Thanks.

Why, how generous and completely unexpected.

Thank you, ma'am.

I'll see you soon.

(door creaking) (door thudding)

- And the winner of the Little Miss Starlet

fashion model contest 12 to 14 age division is...

Autumn Meadowbrook! (audience applauding)

(gentle music)

And that concludes the fourth annual

Verna Chickles Little Miss Starlet fashion model contest.

I want to thank you all for coming today,

and thank you for being so beautiful!

(audience applauding)

(Verna laughing)

(somber music)

- Where have you been?

- I was feeling a little sick,

so I went and got myself a drink. Come on, let's go.

- Look what I won, Mama.

Look what I won. - You won?

(Nedra gasps)

"Participant?"

You didn't win.

You bought this with whatever you paid to get in this thing.

What did you pay?

- $135 registration fee.

- $135 for that.

Come on, get your bags.

Let's go, come on.

(Mona sighs)

Don't ask me to drive you to any more of these things.

- I'll pay for the gas.

- I don't need you to pay for my gas.

- Well, I don't need you either!

I, I can ride my bike.

- Mona, you're aggravating me, and I got a headache.

Now, let's get outta here.

Hurry up.

Go on, go on.

(soft music)

- Goodbye, dear.

(door creaking)

(Lurdy chuckling)

- Oh, my God.

(Lurdy groaning)

(Lurdy chuckling)

(whistle blowing) (Lurdy gasping)

Wait, shit!

Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait!

- All right, listen to me! - I was in the wrong room!

- If he tries that bullshit again-

- Ow! - I'll kill him!

And I'll turn you in for not protecting me!

And I'll go live with a foster family while you rot in jail!

(toilet flushing) Got that?

- Nedra, don't believe the brat.

I went into the wrong room.

I was looking for the bathroom.

No, she's a lying brat. (light dramatic music)

- [Announcer] Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois,

is your new Miss American Miss!

(audience applauding)

- [Crowd] Mona, Mona, Mona, Mona, Mona.

(Verna chuckling)

- Mona, honey, I don't know why

you haven't won any pageants.

- It's not just that I haven't won.

After 18 pageants, I haven't even made it into the top 20.

It's the wardrobe, isn't it?

- I'm gonna tell you a little secret.

I have started a modeling academy

for the most promising young ladies.

A little basic training,

and you will be winning pageants in no time.

How would you like to pay for that?

- Um, cash, monthly.

- And it's Hibbitt? - Hibbard.

- Mona? - Mona, yes.

- Of course.

Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, wrist.

Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, wrist.

Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, wrist.

Very good, very good.

All right, all right.

Now, ladies, let's move on.

Today, I'd like to introduce you to the step,

pivot, turn around, head snap.

All right?

Now, watch me very carefully.

All right, now, one little step.

Eye contact, eye contact.

Turn your body slowly.

At the last moment, snap.

Now, remember that, ladies.

All right, your turn.

Now, one little step forward.

Keeping your eyes on your audience.

Turn your body slowly.

Very good, eye contact here.

All right, now, then, snap.

Oh, very good.

All right, let's try it moving.

If your eyes are not on them, their eyes will not be on you.

- Move over, Scumona. (girls giggling)

(light dramatic music)

- Oh, sorry. - Ouch.

- Ouch. - Sweet Jesus.

- It's in the details where we see true craftsmanship.

Thank you, dear.

Looks like the school assembly has been canceled.

We're going to have to share our pinking shears.

(bell ringing) (students laughing)

- Whoa! - Don't sit here.

- [Student] Go on, why don't you go get your girlfriend

and get cooties. - Move!

- [Student] Go sit by your girlfriend, sissy!

- Move! - Come on,

I'm not going to let her sit here!

- Girl, stupid girl! - You're a girl!

(cup thudding) - Ah, that's cold!

Oh, man! - Damn.

- Get her, Eric, get her! - Get her, Eric.

- You guys made me spill my lemonade.

- [Student] Gonna let a little girl get ya?

(whistle blowing) Sissy!

- Jason, Eric, Richard, you've got cleanup.

Get over here.

- We didn't do it! - He pushed me!

- [Teacher] I don't want to hear it, I've heard it before.

(boys arguing) Oh, inside now.

Go, go, go, go. - He started it!

- [Teacher] Go, go, go.

(bag rustling)

(students laughing)

- Yeah! - Yeah, it's so cool.

You gotta try it. - Okay.

- Yeah, don't you hate that? - Yeah!

- All right. (muffled talking)

- [Girl] Oh, that's awesome!

- I hate lunch.

(food tray scraping) - Me too.

- I'm in your home ec class.

I'm Mona. - Ruby.

(birds chirping)

- Where'd you learn to sew so good?

- My grandma.

I don't have a lemonade to give you,

but do you want my orange?

- I'm on a diet.

- Well, whatever I've got, it's yours.

- And the winner for the most unique pageant outfit,

12 to 14 division, Mona Hibbard!

(Mona screeching) - Yes!

(audience applauding)

(birds chirping)

Grandma!

Grandma, we won, Grandma!

- Oh, hello, sweetheart.

- I can't believe it, we won! - Did you now?

- Yeah, I'll take your bag in. - Thank you.

Come on in.

- [Mona] Hello, Mrs. Stillwell.

- Come on in. (Mrs. Stillwell chuckling)

- So, I'm just as pretty and talented as the girls who win.

The problem is my outfits. - Well, so, you won.

Isn't that nice?

- The title, no. - My outfit won, Grandma!

- Oh! - Yes, but I was wearing it.

- Isn't that nice?

- I can pay you $25 for each dress.

- Oh, my, look at you.

- I can also get you certain supermarket clearance items.

- You just worry about paying for the fabric.

(light music)

- How come you're being so nice to me?

You hardly know me.

- Must be your looks.

It's hard to say no to someone as beautiful as you.

You go wash up for dinner.

(gentle music)

(dogs barking)

- Okay, how much time do we have?

- The show starts in 20 minutes.

But I wish we could watch it at my place.

- Yeah, but you don't have a TV.

- I know. - Oh, come on, it'll be fine.

Where do we stop next?

- The Millers, then the Stewarts, then the fashion complex.

- They're just two seconds from my house.

- Just two seconds.

- All right.

The Miss American Miss contest

is not gonna start without me!

- Yeah! - Yee-haw!

(light dramatic music)

Come on, Ruby.

Come on.

- Mona? - Come on, it's okay.

- Alls I'm saying is you gotta get out

of that chair and find a job.

- I'm working on this here motor!

- What smells? - What doesn't?

Come on. - You've been working

on that thing for two years!

- [Lurdy] And I'd be done if you'd stay off my ass!

- Come on, get the money box.

(box clanking)

- Hold on, wait!

Wow, Mona, you've got a lot.

- Yeah, I know.

We're gonna need it.

Okay, okay, I've got my booklets.

I've got the clippings.

Come on, let's go.

(box clanking) (zipper buzzing)

Hurry up, what are you doing? - Wait, I'm ready.

- We're going to miss the opening credits.

- Okay, let's go.

(door slamming)

- [Announcer] And here they are,

the beautiful 1986 Miss American Miss contestants.

- Where are my cigarettes? - Wow.

- Here, I made these for us. - They just keep getting

prettier and prettier. - Thanks.

- Where are my damn smokes?

I just bought a pack of smokes

- [Announcer] From the Sunshine State, Miss California.

- Damn it! - Debbie Don Viedel.

- Lurdy. - She likes to play-

- I cannot watch this beauty crap.

Nedra, I do not know where your damn cigarettes are.

- From the great state- - Whenever they're missing-

- Of Texas, we have Pam Seal. - You got 'em!

- I dunno, well I don't- - You wouldn't know it,

but this blonde beauty is a bronc rider.

She can tame a wild beast and she can treat them.

She's studying to be a vet at Lubbock State.

(muffled arguing)

Miss New Mexico, Lucy Ann Miranda.

Lucy's hobbies are aerobics and spelunking.

But she gets her greatest rewards

from working with the terminally ill.

- [Lurdy] Would you turn that down?

- [Announcer] She says it makes her feel alive.

Virginia Sue Walker, Miss Florida.

Virginia, or Ginny Sue as she likes to be called,

loves to scuba dive.

(muffled talking)

- [Announcer] The second runner-up is Miss North Carolina,

Cheryl Lynn Kennan!

Our first runner-up is-

- Miss Nevada's first runner-up, Miss Texas has got it.

- [Announcer] Miss Nevada, Michelle Willis.

This makes our 1992 Miss American Miss,

Miss Texas, Mindy Jo Gilbert!

- [Mona] It's always Miss Texas.

- [Lurdy] I've been looking for work,

I'm just overqualified. - Overqualified?

- What do you think about that?

- Stand up. - I dunno.

- [Lurdy] Everywhere I go, they say I'm too cut out for it.

- You know that's the second year in a row a dancer's won.

- Uh huh.

You know it's statistically proven;

Singing and dancing and having a platform to do

with children and getting choked up during the interview.

- Would you go get me- - It's the only way to go.

- A beer, please?

(Mona scoffs)

- What? - May I, please?

- Mona, what are you doing?

- I'm, I'm, you need a new look.

- What do you mean a new look? - You just, I'm-

- And I like my hair. - Come on, Laura Ingalls.

It's so over. (both giggling)

- Look.

- So, what do you think?

- I think you need to learn to dance and sing.

(light piano music) (woman singing)

- [Dance Instructor] Six, seven, inside, and two, one.

Two, back, three, four and five, six, seven, eight.

And one and two and three, drop, four,

over, five, six, seven, eight.

(car engine rumbling)

(car door slamming)

- [Joey] Hey, baby, come on over.

- You can invite Martin in.

He doesn't have to wait outside.

- That's not Martin.

That's Joey.

- What happened to Martin?

- He got on my nerves.

- [Ruby] They sure come and go quickly.

- [Mona] Come on, hurry.

Let's fit this so Joey can drive me home.

(Mona retching)

(Mona coughing) - Mona, are you all right?

- No.

- Must be nerves.

- Yeah, must be.

You got everything?

- Yeah, we got interview, evening,

bathing suit and your outfit for talent-

(Mona groaning)

(Mona retching)

Do you want some crackers for the bus?

(Mona coughing)

(light country music)

- Animals love me.

(muffled talking)

- [Contestant] This ruffle's coming off!

Could you stitch that?

- Jo Jo, I thought you were doing

an interpretative jazz routine to "Yankee Doodle Dandy."

- No, "Bicycle Built For Two"

while I'm twirling my fire baton.

- But I'm twirling a fire baton while I do

an interpretative jazz routine to "Bicycle Built For Two,"

and you knew that!

I told you that at registration.

- What a shame.

Thank goodness I'm going first.

(Mona gasps)

- Okay. - Now, see?

- [Contestant] Thank you.

(muffled talking)

(light dramatic music)

- Ladies and gentlemen,

our first contestant in the Miss Naperville County

beauty pageant, Jo Jo Oberschmidt.

(audience applauding)

- Good, good, good luck to you.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

(light music)

(Jo Jo panting)

(muffled talking)

- It's hot.

(Jo Jo panting)

- Ooh, I like this one.

(Jo Jo gasping)

(extinguisher hissing) (crowd gasping)

- [Jo Jo] I'm fine.

(Jo Jo crying)

- I'm so glad I could be here to help, you know?

This could have been an absolute tragedy.

- Yes. - It could.

(Jo Jo crying) - Oh, Jo Jo.

- What went wrong? - Oh, my goodness.

It's fine, honey.

This is an outrage.

Just, grab her. - Oh!

Grab on.

- You remember Alexandra Valente?

When she tripped up Princess O'Mahoney,

nobody said anything.

And her nose has never been the same since.

She works in Rite-Aid now.

- Oh, the one on Pratt Street?

- Can you help?

I mean, this is the fourth scandal I've been involved in.

- Give me a handle. - Oh.

They never proved anything.

- Mona, everything will be all right.

- No, it won't.

I can't compete in the county anymore.

- All right, so we'll think of something.

We'll move to a different county.

All right, it's gonna be fine.

- Even if we move, I can't.

- Yes, you can, we'll figure it out.

- No, we won't! - Yes, we will.

- Ruby, I'm pregnant.

- You should have a flaming act too.

That would do it, dear.

- It's not gonna be fine.

Rule number five in the handbook.

Mothers and legal guardians are ineligible.

You know, I needed to win tonight.

I needed the money.

I needed it.

Now I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do.

- I always loved the circus.

Didn't you, Mona? - Yes, Mrs. Stillwell.

I think I'll join it.

- Now you stop this, Mona.

- It's over. - No, you listen to me.

I will figure it out.

We've made it through a lot of stuff,

and we'll make it through this.

(Mona sniffles)

Okay?

Do you remember when Verna Chickles accused you

of cutting the rear end out of Kelly Megan's swimsuit

in the Miss Tiny Little Darling Princess pageant?

You thought your career was over then and it wasn't.

(light music)

So we're gonna make it through this, okay?

Now, let me see that smile.

Let me see it. (Mona sighs)

Nope, that's not the one I wanna see.

(Mona crying)

I wanna see that Miss American Miss smile.

There it is.

That's it.

That's the one I was looking for.

- Mother, Mother!

Mom, Mom, Mom!

Mother!

Mom, I gotta go, now!

- Wait a second, sweetie. - The winner.

- Your Aunt Mona's up there. - Miss Illinois for 2000.

- See? - Yeah, I see,

but I still got to pee. - Who'll represent

the great state Illinois

at the Miss American Miss pageant later this year is:

Miss Dupage County, Mona Hibbard!

- Oh, my God! (audience applauding)

- But she did it.

She won.

(audience cheering)

(Mona gasps)

- Ow! - I'm sorry, did I poke you?

- Look, sweetie, she's being crowned Miss Illinois.

- Well, congratulations, Mona.

What a surprise, huh?

How many judges did you do to win this pageant?

- Everyone except your daddy, his dick was too small.

- Isn't she lovely, ladies and gentlemen?

26-year-old Miss Dupage County, Mona Hibbard!

(man whistling)

(Mona chuckling)

(Mona laughing) (Ruby laughing)

- Would you stop?

If you carry on doing that

your face is gonna get stuck like that, you know?

- Vanessa, sweetheart, eat your dinner.

- Here, look, put the crown on her head.

Come on, every little girl wants to be a beauty queen.

- Not me.

I want to be a professional soccer player.

Oh, get this thing off me.

- No, no, no, Ruby, make her put it on.

- Leave it on, Vanessa.

- Come on, it's like mine.

- Vanessa, it's sweet.

Let me see, just look at me.

It's cute.

Aw.

You know what?

I bet Grandma's smiling down from heaven right now.

- Oh, yeah, I wish she could have been here.

- I know.

- So my mom never showed, did she?

- I didn't see her.

- Nah, ah, no one gives a shit about the state thing,

but it counts in the big one.

You know when they cut to the contestant's family

in that little box on the side of the screen?

I mean, she's gotta be there.

- Your mother's gotta get in a little box?

- No, Vanessa, 99.9% of all Miss American Misses

have had their parents in the audience,

except Brianna Donna Macomb, 1971, remember that?

- Right. - She was an orphan.

So, the interview went really well.

- Did it? - Yeah.

They especially liked the part where I got choked up-

- Mom! - And said that

good parenting begins at home- - Mom!

- What is your problem?

- Aren't you ever gonna take that stuff off?

I mean, everyone's staring at you.

- No, it's...

Yeah, 'cause I'm pretty.

Vanessa, if people were to see me

without my crown and sash,

it would be really upsetting for them.

Now, give me one of those fries.

- Hey, that's mine!

Mona, you're gonna get fat.

- I am not. - Uh huh.

- Am not. - Mona, don't tease her.

- All right, anyway, this is my last French fry

until after the big contest

which is exactly two months and nine days from now.

- Excuse me.

Are you Miss Illinois?

- Why, yes, I am.

- Oh, could my little girl have your autograph, please?

- Sure!

First one.

- Is this your daughter? - No, no, no.

She's um...

You can't be Miss Illinois and have a child.

- Oh, of course.

Well, she looks just like you.

- No, I don't. - No, she doesn't.

- It's ridiculous, she's mine.

- Amanda wants to be Miss American Miss when she grows up.

- Oh, well, get her teeth fixed and the mole removed,

and then you know, you never know.

And remember, Amanda, it's what's inside that counts.

- Okay. - Okay, let's go.

- Thank you. - There you go.

Okay, my pleasure.

(Vanessa humming)

Uh, Ruby, make her stop.

She's doing it again.

- Vanessa, stop, cut it out. - Stop it!

I don't walk like that.

- Mm hm! - I do not.

- Mm hm. - I do not!

- You do too. - Rise and shine, Illinois.

I'm sitting here with Mona Hibbard,

who was crowned Miss Illinois last Saturday.

Welcome, Mona, and congratulations.

- [Mona] Thank you, Joyce.

It's nice to be here.

- Oh my, it looked looked like you were having so much fun.

- Oh, I was, Joyce.

Me and the gals, we were just like sisters.

Had a ball. - Well, I bet you did.

Mona, many people feel that pageants

are antiquated rituals that perpetuate

sexist perceptions of women.

What's your response?

- Well, I, um...

I, I would have to say that it's America's

largest scholarship program for women.

- So you don't think pageants exploit women?

- No, uh uh, mm mm, no.

No.

- But- - And I mean,

it's not as bad as that kind of exploitation

they make you do, right?

Come on, it must be so hard having your face plastered

on buses and billboards, you know?

Just to increase viewership and advertisers' dollars.

- Ah, yes, yes, yes, that's very true.

But thank goodness I don't get judged

while parading around in a bathing suit and heels.

- Yes, thank goodness.

- Mona, as beautiful as you are and, oh, my goodness,

yes, yes, you are- - Thank you.

- Controversy surrounds you.

I understand that you were accused of viciously sabotaging

many innocent girls, a behavior that went on for years.

- It's not true.

- It's not? - No.

- According to this, Candy Bartholomew

had a nervous breakdown after you stuffed

a sock down her saxophone.

Misty Waters had to go into psychotherapy

after you smeared Vaseline on her toe shoes.

And a lovely young girl, Jo Jo Oberschmidt's

right hand was scarred.

- Excuse me.

I'd have preferred to use this opportunity

to discuss my platform (crying),

empowering America's youth for a brighter tomorrow,

which I feel very, very strongly about,

instead of responding to this mean-spirited-

- Thank you so much. (light music)

We'll be right back with tips on how to look young

in your 20s and 30s and all the way into your 40s.

Don't go away. - You're clear.

We got 30 seconds till we're back.

- [Man] All right, let's reset.

- Ow, ow.

(Mona scoffs)

Excuse me.

Yeah, oh, excuse...

- Thank you.

(muffled talking)

- Oscar!

- Oscar!

Are you in here?

- Where is he?

- You see, I told you.

No Oscar. - Oh.

He'll be here.

He's coming for me.

He won't forget.

- Mrs. Walters, if you just tell me who Oscar is

then maybe I could give him a call.

How about your son?

What's his name? - Bob.

- Not Oscar? - Not Oscar.

- Well, I could call Bob and tell him

to come and visit his mother.

- Forget about Bob.

He's uh, he's my friend, my son.

His name is Bob.

And forget about him.

Oscar?

Oscar?

(light music)

(car door slamming)

- Where were you?

- At a convention in Schramsberg.

Now, I believe I have asked you to stay off my dance floor.

And this is not a toy, it is a mic stand.

- [Vanessa] You were supposed to take me to my soccer game.

- Well, I got tied up.

I was signing autographs and posing for pictures.

You know?

I'll take you to your next practice.

- It was a game, not a practice!

- Well, sorry!

- My mom never forgets to take me to my soccer games.

- I did not forget.

Vanessa, these roach and small rodent fumigators,

they came from all over the country.

Now, I could not let them down.

Miss Illinois.

What's this?

(tape ripping)

- [Vanessa] It's 6:15, I wanna pick my mom up from work.

- Why are they sending me a camera?

(paper crinkling)

"Dear Contestant of the 2000 Miss American Miss Pageant.

Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh.

This year we would like each our of contestants-"

- Did you hear me? - "To take photos of

a day in your life."

- Mona, I wanna pick my mother up from work.

- "What kind of a girl are you?

What is your family like?"

Oh, my God, no.

I wanna go pick up Ruby right now.

Come on, we gotta go right now.

Now, now, now, now! - I just said that.

Hey, Mom.

- What are you two doing here?

Why aren't you at your soccer game?

No, no, Clara, Clara just wait until we get into your room.

Okay? - Ruby, Ruby, wait, look.

Vanessa, show her.

The pageant sent me a camera.

They want me to start taking pictures of family outings.

You know, day-in-the-life stuff.

I mean, I thought we could get some candid, fuzzy like,

I don't know, family-style pictures

with the old people here.

- All right, Clara. - What do you think?

They want human-interest stuff.

- Let's get this off. - What is human interest?

I don't get it.

- It's stuff that humans find interesting, Mona.

- Like what? - Like people.

Take pictures of people. - What?

What if there aren't that many people you're interested in?

- [Ruby] Can you take the wheelchair

and put it in the hallway? - Sure.

People, people I find interesting.

Who do I find interesting?

John Tesh, Vanessa Williams.

You know, I can't take their picture-

- Okay, here we go. - Here we go.

- Up and over.

- My goodness. - Oh, wait, hold on.

You got your hands, hold on.

- I just need ideas, like- - I seem to be stuck.

- Are there anybody, is there anybody-

- Hurry up, dear. - I'm hurrying.

Mona, could you go to that cabinet and get,

there's a white lace robe in the back of that closet.

Will you get it, please? - Oh, yeah.

Ew, there's a smell in here.

- There you go. - I want this robe.

- [Ruby] Into bed you go.

- Well (giggling).

- [Ruby] I've got to get Clara's medicines.

You two behave yourselves.

- Okay, Vanessa, get the camera out.

Hi. - Hi.

- I'm just gonna arrange this so it's pretty.

All right.

- That's lovely. - Mind if I brush your hair?

- No, I don't mind. - Okay, all right.

Right, just take the picture.

- How do I do it? - I don't know.

Just figure it out. Come on, just take the picture.

Ready? (camera clicking)

That's great.

Oh (giggling).

Take the picture.

- All right, you two, that's enough.

Go wait for me outside.

- Okay.

- [Ruby] I'll just be a few more minutes here with Clara.

- The car's right out front. - Okay, sweetie.

- All right, Clara, let's take your pill,

and you'll get a good night's sleep tonight.

- Thank you, honey.

- Mom, Mona's making me take pictures

of her with the other old people.

- [Ruby] Just tell her to stop and go get in the car.

- Okay, see you out there.

- Where is it, dear? - It's in the cup.

- No, it's not there.

- Huh, I thought it was in there.

All right.

- Ruby dear, would it be wrong

if I asked you for two tonight?

I have such a hard time sleeping.

And tomorrow's going to be such a busy day.

- All right, but just this once.

- Oh. (pills rattling)

- Now, here, drink up.

I need to see you swallow 'em down,

and then I have to run off.

That's good, drink, drink, drink.

That's good, Clara.

That's good.

All right.

I'll see you tomorrow, okay?

- No, dear.

No, Oscar's coming to get me.

He looked so handsome in his uniform.

He said he would be back for me.

(Clara giggling)

- Good night, Clara.

- Goodbye, Ruby dear.

Oh, oh. (light dramatic music)

(mop thudding) (light music)

* You'll say I'm the only one

Two, three, four- - Mom!

- I can't concentrate with all the noise!

(Vanessa giggling) - Sorry.

- Okay. - Come on, Vanessa.

- [Vanessa] No.

- [Ruby] What do I have to do to convince you?

- [Vanessa] I don't just want to.

- [Ruby] Just do it, you know?

- [Vanessa] I have to practice.

I don't have time. - Nessie, come on.

Just do it.

- I don't want to. - It'll be fun.

Just take a bunch of pictures of her wherever she goes.

That's easy, right?

- No.

- Don't you want Mona to win? - No.

- [Ruby] Nessie, you don't mean that.

- [Vanessa] Will you rub my back?

If she wins, she'd be gone for a year.

Right? - Yep.

She'd be gone for almost a whole year.

- Okay, I'll do it.

- Thank you.

You're sweet. (lips smacking)

You're very sweet.

You're made of sugar.

You're like a big rock candy mountain.

(camera clicking)

- Oh, stop it would you?

- Just trying to help.

- No, no, no, not now, not now.

I'll tell you when.

You know any handicapped people?

- Only you.

- Oh, forget it.

- What are you so upset about?

- I got six weeks to try and top a marrow transplant

to a dying foster sister.

- How about orphans? - Do you know any?

- No.

You know who Oprah is? - Love Oprah.

She's thin right now, right?

- How the heck should I know?

So, listen to this.

She said that if a little baby never gets hugged or kissed,

when it grows up it doesn't know how to love.

And if anyone tries to touch it,

it cries and gets all stiff and rigid.

- Oh, my gosh! - Oh, oh!

- Oh, my gosh are you okay?

My gosh! - My God, oh, my God.

- Are you all right? (woman groaning)

- Ooh!

Oh, get the camera out.

Get the camera out now.

Now.

Okay, let me talk to her.

Let me talk to her!

Okay, I'm Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois.

Okay, what's your name?

- Yes? - Theresa.

- Okay, Theresa, Theresa, everything's gonna be fine.

Nobody panic.

I'm Miss Illinois.

I have everything under control.

(Theresa groaning) All right, Theresa,

I am gonna get you safely to a hospital, okay?

Can you hang in there? (Theresa screaming)

Oh, oh, oh, my God.

Breathe!

Did you, whoa what's that song?

* It must have been cold there in my shadow *

- I'm taking it. * To never have sunlight

* On your face

* You were content to let me shine *

* That's your way - Maybe she has

a medical problem.

* You always walked a step behind *

(Theresa screaming)

* Did you ever know that you're my hero *

* You're everything I wish I could be *

- It's coming! (car horn blaring)

- Oh, God! - Get her away from me!

You're crazy!

* You must have been-

Keep shooting!

* Cold there in my shadow (camera clicking)

I'm holding for Lance DeSalvo,

the national pageant director.

It's Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois.

Yeah, I was just wondering if he received

the press clipping I sent him.

- [Vanessa] Just a few minutes, Mom.

- Yeah, I wanted to know if he wanted to use the shot

for next month's newsletter

because I think it is a lot- - That was a great cross.

- More upbeat than Miss Texas - And their on their feet.

- In a coma.

Uh huh.

So, can you...

No, I'm, I, oh- - There's Bierhoff

with the ball to Hasler.

Hasler with the quick header to Klinsmann.

Klinsmann long ball to- - Well, I don't know

about you, but I think my platform,

empowering America's youth for a brighter tomorrow

is so excellent because- - He's good, he's good!

- There is so many things you can do-

- [Vanessa] Goal!

- You know what?

I'm gonna throw that ball out the window.

- I'm practicing.

- Well don't do it in the house.

- Come in here and help me.

(phone beeping)

(phone ringing)

- Hello? - Hello, Lurdy?

- Yeah. - Is my mother there?

- Who is this? - It's Mona.

- [Lurdy] Nah, she ain't here.

- Why is it whenever I call she's not there?

Hello?

Well, can you just tell her that I need her

to come with me to Long Beach, California?

- California, when? - In a month.

- What for? - For the contest.

- [Lurdy] Why should she?

- Because I need her to be in the little box

on the right-hand side of the screen.

- [Lurdy] What little box, what do you mean?

- Okay?

Well, no, I mean, you just, can you tell her?

- Yes, I'll tell her. - Okay.

Are you there?

You're, okay.

(phone beeping) (phone thudding)

- But Miss Hibbard, I'm wondering about

the promise you made?

- The promise? (baby crying)

- Yeah, the promise you made on camera.

Allow me to refresh your memory.

"A vote for me is a vote for the end

of the objectification of women."

With the pageant in three weeks,

how will you make known your opposition

to the sexist tyranny of traditional pageants?

- I, you, you'll just have to tune in

and find out, won't you?

- Yes, we will. - Okay.

- Cut. - Uh, okay.

Who belongs to this?

- We'll use it as a promo, okay?

In fact, we'll use it at the promo.

- He's a sweet, sweet child.

Uh, Mr. Hendrix? - Beautiful.

- Perhaps- - Did you get the kid

crying over there? (man burping)

- [Man] Pardon me.

- Excuse me, miss.

- Yes?

- Table for two, please.

- I'm not a hostess.

I'm Miss Illinois.

- What'd she say?

- She asked if we wanted smoking or nonsmoking.

- Oh, smoking.

- Hm, fine.

Right this way.

Come on, come on, come on.

(muffled hospital announcements)

- That's good exercise, Mr. Bryan.

(fist knocking)

- [Mr. Willoughby] Come in, please.

- Oh, excuse me, Mr. Willoughby.

I didn't know you were busy.

I thought you wanted to see me.

- Yes, I do, Ruby.

Come in.

(door creaking)

- [Mr. Hendrix] With my pageant in three weeks,

how will you make known your opposition

to the sexist tyranny of traditional pageants.

- Um, well, I, uh- (baby crying)

Could you please just turn that off?

Tune in and find out. - Yeah, I guess-

- Thank you.

- Hello. - Hi.

- Hey, Mama! - Hey, baby.

Did you do your homework?

- Ruby, can you get me into the cancer ward

of your hospital?

- There is no cancer ward at my hospital.

- Well, you know, any hospital.

- Mona, can you sit down? - Sure.

(doorbell ringing) Now, I don't want

crippled people. - I'll get it.

- Vanessa. - I have old people.

It would definitely have to be bald kids.

I mean it'd have bald kids, right?

- Mona, please listen to me, okay?

I need to talk to you.

- What?

Ruby, whatever Vanessa told you, I didn't do anything.

- No, today at the hospital-

- [Vanessa] Mom, there's someone that wants to see you.

- Thank you, young lady. - Oh, God.

- What? - Just wanted to talk

to your mother.

I'm just here to see your mother.

- [Mona] Ruby, what, what are you, what-

- Excuse me, Miss Stillwell.

I'm Lieutenant Bloomfield, we met this afternoon.

- Right.

- I'm very sorry, but we're gonna have to take you in.

- What, what do you mean, take her in?

- But I didn't do it.

- You do have a right to call an attorney.

- What, what's going on?

- I don't know where she got the pills, honest.

I didn't give 'em to her.

- It's a good idea if you don't say anything right now.

- Wait, wait, wait, what's going on?

- Do you understand your rights?

- Ruby, Ruby! - Yeah.

- Ruby, what is going on?

- Clara Walters died.

- Well, so what?

She was like, 500 years old.

- Yeah, but she died of a drug overdose,

and they think I did it.

- What?

Where are you taking her? - To the police station.

- You two look after each other until I come back.

Okay?

- I'm not staying with her.

- Nessie, you have to be a big girl, okay?

Because Mona needs you.

- No, no, no, I don't need her. I need you!

- Just don't worry, okay?

Everything's gonna be all right.

Don't worry. - Take her away.

(car door slamming) (car engine rumbling)

(somber music)

- Mom!

- What, what are you doing? - Getting a foster family.

I'm not living with you!

Hi, I'm a kid who needs a foster family.

- Okay, come on, give me the phone, just...

Hi, no, it's my niece.

She's just playing around.

I, uh, listen, do you have any kind of month-to-month plan?

(door slamming)

Okay, I'm sorry.

I gotta go.

Goodbye.

- What's the sign on the door say?

- Don't take that tone with me.

- You know the rules!

(fist knocking) - Can I come in?

- [Vanessa] No!

- You're not leaving.

- Yes, I am!

- No, you're not! - Yes, I am too!

- This is your home and you're staying put.

And that's final!

(light dramatic music)

* I know somethings never change *

* But this can't be one of them *

* Are you scared

* Are you scared

* Are you scared

* 'Cause if you're scared you're not alone *

* I once thought I was great

* But I can't stop crying

(birds chirping)

- In the case now known as the Angel of Mercy Killing,

Nurse Ruby Stillwell has been named the prime suspect

for the murder of an elderly patient in her care.

Let's go to the camera inside.

- Miss Walter was a very elderly woman.

- You Honor, that is precisely the point.

She was confined to a wheelchair,

yet the autopsy has revealed that she died

of a massive overdose of barbiturates-

- I object that. - Drugs that she herself

was unable to obtain.

How did she receive such a massive mis-medication?

- [Lawyer] No, that has never been proved-

- We submit that it was Miss Stillwell,

her nurse, who administered the drugs.

- Your Honor. - Either through negligence

or perhaps some misguided Kevorkian imitation.

- Your Honor, this isn't fair.

He never lets me talk.

- All right.

I've heard enough.

This court sets a trial date for September 15th.

Four-and-one-half weeks from today.

Bail is set at $150,000. - Thank you, Your Honor.

- Next case. - It's just a minor setback.

All right, don't worry and I'll see you Thursday.

- Oh, Ruby. - Mommy, so we give them

the money and they let you out?

- No, it's bail, sweetie.

We don't have that kind of money.

- What are we gonna...

Hey, Ruby!

- Let me be the first to report

a very interesting side note.

Ruby Stillwell is the roommate of Mona Hibbard,

who will be representing our state in three weeks

at the Miss American Miss pageant.

Somehow I feel there will be more to uncover on this story

and I'll be there first to report whatever.

This is Joyce Parkins reporting live

from the county courthouse.

Back to you, Kyle.

(upbeat music)

(car horns honking)

- Come on, you moron!

Vanessa, your soccer game.

- Yeah, what about it?

- You know, I know we're a little late,

but maybe we haven't missed it.

- I missed it!

- Well, so you'll go the next game, right?

I mean the way you practiced, you'll...

Come on, I'm really sorry.

I was really busy.

I tried, you know I was all the way out at the edge of town.

It was a really, really long way away, okay?

Come on, I'll make you some chocolate something.

- Your mother finally called.

(gentle music)

- What did she say?

- Oh, some stuff.

- No, come on, tell, what did she say?

- I can't remember. - Vanessa, tell me!

What did she say?

Is she gonna come with me to Long Beach?

- She's not.

- Oh, are you serious? - Mm hm.

- Get in the car.

- [Vanessa] Why? I don't want to.

- [Mona] Get in the car.

- [Vanessa] I don't want to get in the car.

- [Mona] I don't care what you want to do.

I'm afraid you're getting in the car.

- Where are we going? - We're going uh,

we're going to my house.

She has to go.

I mean, she has to go.

She has to go.

- How come your mom and dad hate you?

- He's not my dad.

I don't know.

- Maybe they hate you 'cause you're mean,

'cause you forget stuff.

Important stuff.

And you never mean it when you say you're sorry.

- Vanessa, I am sorry.

- I don't believe you.

- Oh.

(Mona sighs)

(light music)

Okay, we're here.

(car doors slamming)

(fist knocking)

- Nedra, get the damn door.

(silverware clanking)

- Hi. - Mona?

- It's me.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Wow.

Wow, well look at you.

- Yeah, well, I was at a convention in Hatcher County.

- Oh, yeah.

- Hi. - Hi, hi, hello.

- Hi.

So?

- This is Ruby's little girl Vanessa.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Well, we've been driving for about an hour,

so perhaps we could have something to drink.

- Sure.

- I gotta use the bathroom.

- [Mona] It's down the hall to the right.

- Well, look at you, huh? - Right.

- Huh?

Look at your hair.

- I know, I straighten it now.

- Oh.

Here you go.

- So are you coming to the pageant or what?

- Didn't you get my message?

Lurdy don't want to.

- Then come alone.

- Well, when is it again?

- [Mona] It's a week from this Saturday.

- Uh huh, no, that's not good for me.

- Why not?

- It just isn't, Mona.

- [Mona] Why can't you just rearrange your schedule?

You know how important it is to me.

- [Nedra] I can't, Mona, I can't.

- [Mona] Ask, ask someone to change shifts with you.

Just change shifts with someone.

I mean, why is it such a big deal, you know?

I'm just asking you, just for one night.

- [Nedra] No, Mona, I just can't.

Don't you understand what I'm sayin'?

Oh, I just can't.

No! - "You are beautiful."

"Never give up."

- Quit asking me all these questions, Mona.

I said no.

- Mom, I never asked you for anything.

It's one night.

It won't cost you a dime.

I swear to God, it won't.

I'll get you room service and a car.

I've been working toward this since I was eight years old.

- No.

- Why do you hate me?

- I don't hate you.

I don't understand you.

- Well, what don't you understand?

- I don't know.

You scare me.

That look in your eyes.

Like you was always hungry,

and then you never would eat anything.

- Hey, Ma, you ever heard of those Pomeranian orphans?

- What kind of orphans?

- The Pomeranian.

- What are you talking about, Mona?

- It's Romanian, Mona, Romanian.

(Nedra sighs)

- I thought she was talking about a dog.

(Nedra laughing) - She don't know shit.

She never did. - No, my point...

I got the word wrong.

- I was picturing one of them little yappy things

you know that Roberta has, all them dogs of hers.

- Oh, you know, actually she kind of looks like

one of Roberta's dogs. - Now, now, now.

- Look at me, look at me, I'm Miss American Miss.

- Stop it. - No, listen.

Listen, listen.

It's like love is a sort of language,

and they never learned the words.

That's what I meant.

- You're just not a happy girl, are you?

(somber music)

- I wanna go now, Mona.

- Okay, we're going.

- You tell her good luck.

- Mona, I got- - I'm not moving till

you tell your daughter that she's one

of the 50 most beautiful, talented ladies in America.

- She just wore the judges down.

- You're mean, you're a mean, mean lady.

- Mona, get her outta here!

You're both aggravating me and I got a headache!

What?

(door slamming)

(gate creaking)

(gate slamming)

- Mona. - Hey.

- What's happened?

Where's Vanessa? - She's outside.

- Why didn't you send her in?

I wanna say hi. - 'Cause I just,

you gotta tell me what I'm gonna do.

'Cause I can't win if there's no one in my family box.

And my mother won't come, so I got no one.

- Oh, Mona.

- I know, I just need you to tell me what to do

'cause I worked really hard,

I mean Rubes, you know how hard I worked.

You know?

Just tell me what to do, Ruby.

- For crying out loud, Mona.

- Please tell me what to do, Rubes.

- Tell you what to do.

- Ruby, I, what, what's going-

- My God, Mona!

Look around, I'm in jail. - I know.

- I can't help you.

I can barely help myself right now,

and who's gonna help Vanessa?

I'll tell you what to do, Mona.

Why don't you go home and cook Vanessa some dinner.

And then maybe you rub her back

until she falls asleep for once.

- I can't. - Grow up, Mona!

You're not the one who needs a mother anymore.

- [Mona] Come on, Ruby, I just need you to tell me-

- No, no, you stop it, and you listen to me, Mona.

Look at me.

I'm gonna get out of this

because I didn't do anything wrong.

And then I'm gonna forget about it

and it'll just be something bad that happened in my life.

I'll let it go.

But you won't let the bad things go, Mona.

You just hold onto them like, like everything bad

that's ever happened in your life.

You never see the good things,

good things that have been in your life

for a really long time now.

(light dramatic music)

Go home, Mona.

Send Vanessa in.

I wanna say hi.

(door slamming)

(light music)

(Nedra laughing)

- [Lurdy] She don't know shit and she never did.

- [Ruby] You never see the good things.

You won't let the bad things go.

- [Verna] I think you would fit in beautifully.

- [Vanessa] Why do your mom and dad hate you?

- [Nedra] You didn't win.

- [Lurdy] She just wore the judges down.

- [Ruby] Don't you want Mona to win?

- No. - Move over, Scumona.

- [Man] Oh, no, no, I think it's Mohona, baby.

- Oh, Mohona. (people laughing)

(whistle blowing)

- Mona?

Mona?

Mona?

So, how was your day today?

Oh, I see you had a Walmart opening.

You didn't go, did you?

(trash crinkling)

Mona?

Mona, can you hear me?

Oh, come on, Mona, answer me.

(light music)

(bus hissing)

(door slamming) Get up, Mona.

Get up!

Ruby told me to tell you.

You have to pack.

You have to go. - Mm.

- You're supposed to leave for the pageant tomorrow.

You've worked your whole life for this.

Don't worry about me.

I'm gonna stay with Susie O'Connors.

- Who's that? - Right wing.

- She's a Republican? - On my soccer team.

- Oh. - Ruby says if you win,

then I'll go to a nice foster family.

You know, if you win.

- [Mona] What do you mean, if I win?

- Well, how can you win lying on that couch eating all day?

Wanna look at the mail?

Look, it's your Miss American Miss souvenir book.

Oh, wow, look at all these really pretty girls.

So, let me see.

Miss Indiana wrote a children's book

about a dyslexic mouse based on the adversities

she overcame in her own life.

And Miss Rhode Island was in the Peace Corps,

and assisted in building housing for 500 families.

- Up hers. - That's the spirit.

And here you are.

Did they take this picture special?

'Cause it's great.

- Eh.

- It says your hobbies are aerobics

and riding roller coasters.

Since when?

- It makes me look carefree.

The judges like carefree.

- Here's the one who donated marrow

to her dying foster sister. - Oh, yeah, Miss Lame.

- Hey, you two are exactly alike!

Her hobbies are aerobics and riding roller coasters too.

- What?

Let me see that.

That fat, pug-nosed, lyin'-

- Bitch. - Hey!

You just watch your mouth.

- Fine.

- I'm allowed to say shit like that.

You can't. - Whatever.

- Oh, God!

- Well, come on, Mona.

Don't just sit there.

I can help.

- Really? - Mm hm.

I've gotta sit on a suitcase so that they'll shut.

Let's see, we'll pack this and this.

And this.

This.

Come on, Mona, let's go pack.

- Wait, hey, Vanessa.

- What?

- Well, I was just thinking maybe you know,

you could come with me and help me with my costumes.

You know, 'cause, I, well, I mean, I got an extra ticket.

- Won't that be bad?

- No, I, you know, you just stay out of sight and...

I think it would be really good for you.

You know, to see what you can accomplish

with a lot of hard work and a serious attitude.

(upbeat music)

- Greetings from the Hawkeye State.

I'm Fauna Fairchild, Miss Iowa!

I'm a senior at Iowa State, majoring in agriculture

and my platform is encouraging youth

to postpone sexual activity.

Hey, America, just say no.

- Greetings from the mountain state.

I'm Ashlee Carruthers, Miss West Virginia.

I'm devoted to developing civility through care,

courtesy and respect of power.

Vote for me and help me make a more polite America.

Please and thank you.

- I'm Wanda Love, Miss Tennessee.

I'm a performing arts major at Murfreesboro Junior College.

And my platform is preventing

birth defects and infant mortality!

- I'm Lorna Larkin, Miss Texas.

I'm a magna cum laude graduate

of the University of Texas with a double degree

in genetics engineering and cosmetology.

My personal crusade is to assist the transplant community

in increasing organ and tissue donation.

Share your life, America.

Share an organ.

- Hi, I'm Mona Hibbard from the prairie state of Illinois.

I'm passionately devoted to empowering America's youth

for a brighter tomorrow by promoting character strength

and encouraging our youth to take control of their destiny.

All it takes is focus, aim and drive.

(ball thudding) - Cut.

Miss Illinois, I've asked you three times to gently,

gently toss the ball to Miss Texas.

- Well, is it my fault if she can't catch?

- Not at all. - She's not very athletic.

- She isn't.

Let's do it again, okay? - Oh, okay, fine.

- All right, people, let's go!

We gotta get this before lunch.

Hey, who's got a 20 on the beach ball?

Thank you.

All right, who's throwing it in now?

(contestants talking over each other)

- [Woman] Yeah, it looks great.

- [Woman] Oh, I love it, I love it!

(woman gasps)

- [Woman] Hey, look, there's Belindy Lindbrook.

Who's that interviewer? - I really get it.

Thank you for coming.

Belindy Lindbrook, the current Miss American Miss.

A beauty queen.

It's like people think that all we do

is just stand around and look pretty.

- Hey!

- Hi.

- Hello, good to see you. - Hello, Mr. DeSalvo.

Oh, likewise.

- Mr. DeSalvo? - Yes?

- Miss Illinois. - Really.

(light dramatic music)

- [Woman] Alexis, save our seats, hon.

- [Woman] Where have you been?

- Miss Texas.

Oh (chuckling) my word.

I'm Lance DeSalvo.

I'm the director of the pageant.

It's so nice to meet you.

And who's this?

- Oh, this is Steve.

Steve, say hello to Mr. DeSalvo.

Hey, how do you do?

- [Mr. DeSalvo] That's incredible.

Your lips, they didn't move once.

Howdy do, Steve?

(Mr. DeSalvo chuckling)

- [Vanessa] Hey, how's it going?

- Where were you? - Getting some food.

- What?

Did anyone say anything?

- No.

- Well, just stay out of sight and give me the plate.

- Hey, did you know that this hotel's

got an indoor swimming pool?

- Yeah, great.

These elevators take so long.

- Hi, Mona.

- Oh, hey, Lorna.

- Oh, you sure know how to tuck it away, don't you?

- I have a very fast metabolism.

- Yeah, right.

Who are you?

- Vanessa.

- Oh, how do y'all know each other?

- We don't.

We just happened to be waiting for the same elevator.

- Yeah.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I could have sworn I saw y'all talking.

- We were. - Yeah, yeah, we were.

- We were. - Yeah.

Yeah, we were. - Nine, please.

- She's a little girl who was wondering

where the indoor swimming pool is.

It's on the top floor.

- No, it's not, it's on second.

(foot thudding) (Vanessa groaning)

- Oh, no, not here.

I could have sworn I saw y'all talking

at the airport this morning.

- The airport?

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Hi.

- I just can't wait to- - Hi, Lorna.

(contestants talking over each other)

- Oh, sure. - I forgot my sunglasses!

- They're on your head, silly.

- The interview! (woman laughing)

The interview.

- [Woman] Oh, my stomach.

My stomach aches just thinking about it.

- Oh, is that what I smell in here?

(woman laughing)

- This group of women is representative

of the women in our society today,

and we are the role models for the women of tomorrow.

- [Woman] Excuse me, I'm sorry,

but are you Jo Jo Oberschmidt?

- I was a long time ago.

But it didn't look right in TVGuide,

so now I'm Joyce Parkins.

- It's me, Cricket, Cricket McCordie.

You remember cheerleading camp two years ago?

- Do I remember?

- [Both] Hey, hey, ho, let's go!

- How are you? - Fine!

I'm Miss Minnesota now.

- Okay, sixth floor. - Can you believe it?

- Who wants out?

Anyone? - Anyone?

- Anyone? - Come on, go.

- Anyone?

- Mona, Mona?

Isn't this your floor?

- Uh, yeah, yeah!

Oh, six, yes.

That's me, excuse me.

- Well, well, well.

I had no idea the infamous Miss Illinois

was in the elevator.

- [Mona] Yeah?

So what are you doing here in Long Beach, California?

- Special assignment.

The story I'm working on is gonna catapult me

to a position nationally.

- Sounds painful.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute!

I'm gonna wait for the next one.

(light dramatic music)

- All right, all right.

Lenny, drop everything and check on something for me.

- Vanessa?

Vanessa? - What?

- What are you doing?

- What do you think I'm doing?

Have you completely lost it?

- No, not yet.

I mean, what if I do lose?

What if I don't even make it into the top 10?

(Vanessa sighs)

- Well, let's see.

You won't be going all over the country for a whole year

and I won't be going to a nice foster family.

- Yeah.

Then we'll both be losers.

- Yeah.

Have you slept at all?

You look like crap.

- No.

- Want me to rub your back?

My mom would always rub my back.

Get under the covers.

Are you cold?

- No. - No?

Ruby says there's a good chance you're gonna win.

- She did?

Really?

- Really.

- You know, Vanessa. - Yeah?

- I want you to know I would've rubbed your back.

But I wouldn't have done it good.

- No, probably not.

- See, I've never had a mother to teach me how to do it.

Not like you have.

(light dramatic music)

(Mona sighs)

Boy, it must be great to have a mother who (sighs).

- Who what?

- Who loves you.

- Yeah.

(somber music)

(contestants talking over each other)

- Miss Alabama, you're gonna- - Miss Alabama.

- That's fine, honey. - I know, I know.

- Next, Miss Alabama.

- Free, free. - Usually go back and forth.

- [Woman] Okay, okay.

(fist knocking)

- How'd it go? - Great.

- You're gonna win, you're gonna win,

you're gonna win! (Mona hushes)

- We don't know that for sure.

(toilet flushing)

- Hello? - Hi.

- So, how'd it go? - Oh, great.

- That's good.

Now, who's this?

- Vanessa.

- Wait are you guys related?

- No. - Yes.

- Well, what is it?

- Um, yes. - Yes?

- Yes. - Yes, what?

- Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Yes, what's the big deal?

She's my niece.

- Who is? - She is.

- Oh.

Wait, you said that you two didn't know each other.

- Yeah and I thought I read in the souvenir book

you're an only child.

Whose hobbies are aerobics and riding roller coasters.

- [Mona] They are.

- I don't know about you guys,

but I'm totally confused here.

Honey, where do you belong?

- You're driving me crazy!

All of you!

I don't know where I belong and besides,

what's it to you?

Get out of my way.

Away!

I hate this hotel!

I hate this hotel!

- Well, that just...

I gotta go to a dance rehearsal now,

so good luck with your lip gloss.

And bye, Steve.

That's your light. - Okay.

- If you stay in this area right here, you're in it.

- No problem. - Buzz, Buzz.

Hi, excuse me, sorry. - Sure.

- Just wanna make sure we're not washing out here

in the opening moments.

When the lights come up,

we don't wanna lose her face because she's-

- Hi. - Hi.

- Okay. - So if you could bring

the white light down. - I feel as a friend

I gotta tell you.

They're onto you.

You and the little girl.

I heard the reporter Belindy talking.

- I don't know what you mean. - Thank you, Buzz.

- Thank you, Buzz. - Your lips never moved.

- Miss Illinois.

Miss Illinois, you're up.

Hey, hey, people, where's her music?

You're killin' me here.

Come on.

(light music)

- Vanessa!

Stay in the room from now on.

- Well, the door's open.

I can just dive in like this.

(lamp thudding) - No, (sighs).

Vanessa, what are you doing, goddamn it?

- [Vanessa] Hanging out in the hall.

- [Mona] Well, don't destroy the hotel!

- I'm not.

- Well, what do you call this?

- Modern art? - No, it's not!

You just stay in the room.

- [Vanessa] Why can't I just go out into the hall?

- Because you can't. - Who says?

- I do!

- Well, who do you think you are, my mother?

(phone ringing)

- Miss Illinois.

- [Ruby] Mona, it's Ruby.

- Ruby, it's Ruby.

- [Vanessa] Oh, oh, I'm here too!

- Vanessa's here too.

Yeah, I brought her with me.

- [Ruby] You did?

- Yeah, I mean, it's okay.

I thought you'd be pleased.

- Mona's doing good.

Real good.

- I'm sure she is, sweetie.

I miss you.

I love you. - I love you too.

- Nessie, can you put Mona on the phone?

- She wants to talk to you.

- Hi. - Hey.

Mona, I just wanted to wish you luck.

Not that you need it.

(Mona sighs)

I'm proud of you, Mona.

- Really? - Yes.

- Ruby.

- All right, there's people here who need to use the phone,

so I have to go.

Listen, do you know a Joyce Parkins?

She's a newswoman. - What, yeah, why?

- Well, she came here to talk to me.

I thought she was doing a story on me,

but she spent the whole time asking questions about you.

- Well, what, what, what did you say?

- I didn't say anything.

Just watch out for her.

Listen, they're gonna let us watch the show tomorrow night,

so I wanna see that Miss American Miss smile.

- Okay.

You shouldn't have-

- All right, I'll call again when I get a chance.

I love you, I love you both.

- Okay.

- Bye.

(somber music)

- Great.

Great.

Great, great.

I can even believe it.

I can't believe this.

(muffled talking)

- Hold it.

You know better than that.

I want my cue light directly in front of me.

Come on, get it higher.

Move it.

Higher.

(muffled talking)

- Buzz!

Listen, there's a new cue at 127-A.

It replaces 127. - Okay

- It's good, now, come on, let's go.

Thank you very much.

- [Announcer] 10 minute warning.

10 minutes to curtain.

(dramatic drums rolling)

- Okay, ladies.

Listen up.

Lance DeSalvo, our pageant director,

needs to meet with you all in just a few minutes, okay?

So, can we hurry it on up, please?

- Okay. - All right.

Um, Miss Illinois?

The director would like to see you before the show.

- Oh, okay. - Hey, Mona.

Could I ask you a huge favor?

Since nobody's seated in the area reserved for your family

and I have so much family, and my Bible school teacher,

he's coming too, could I use-

- No.

- Miss Illinois, please.

It's 10 minutes to show.

- Excuse me.

- [Contestant] Okay, let's speed up.

- [Contestant] What is this thing over there?

- [Contestant] My error, I know.

- Take it, take it, take it.

Thank you.

Come on, okay.

It's show time, folks.

- [Announcer] Channel Five is proud to bring you

the following special broadcast.

- [Narrator] Tonight on E.I.,

a special inside look at Miss American Miss Pageant 2000.

Brought to you by Chicago's Joyce Parkins.

(crowd talking over each other)

- There you are.

Miss Illinois.

No one seems to be seated in the area

reserved for your family.

- I have someone.

(light dramatic music)

Vanessa, Vanessa.

Hey, I need you.

- For what?

- To, you know, sit in the section.

'Cause when they cut to my family box,

no one's gonna be there and I don't want

Miss Texas's goddamn Bible school teacher to have my seats.

So, you know, I don't care what anyone thinks.

Just comb your hair, sit up straight and come on.

- Why should I?

I don't want you to win.

- Oh, come on.

Yeah, you do.

- No, I don't.

- Well, what do you want?

I'll do anything for you.

What do you want me to do?

- I want you to answer me one question.

- Okay.

- Why do I look so much like you?

- You're just lucky, I guess.

- Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it, stop it!

I'm seven, I'm not stupid!

- Look, Vanessa, I don't, I don't know what you're thinking.

We gotta go.

The pageant's beginning. - Tell me!

I want you to tell me!

- I can't. - Answer me!

- I can't!

Even if I was who you say I am...

I couldn't, I couldn't do the things...

Everything I've worked for, I...

I'd be nothing.

I'd be a big nothing.

And come on!

You wouldn't want me anyway.

(Vanessa sighs)

- I just wanna know where I belong.

- You belong in the family box.

(light dramatic music)

(door thudding)

- I'm here in Long Beach, California,

where in just a few moments, 50 state representatives

will be vying for the crown of Miss American Miss,

including a very controversial Miss Illinois.

So, please stay tuned for my special expose,

"The Ugly World of Beauty."

(muffled talking)

- Hi. - Great to see you.

- Great. - Hi, Bill.

Good to see you again.

(upbeat music)

- [Announcer] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome.

I'll be your host tonight for

the Miss American Miss Pageant 2000.

(drums rolling)

(upbeat music)

* I'm every woman

* It's all in me

* Everything

- Miss Illinois!

You're late! - I know.

- Ready?

Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

* I'm every woman

* It's all in me

* I can read your thoughts right now *

* Every one from A to Z

* Whoa, whoa, whoa

* Oh, yeah

* Whoa, whoa, whoa

* I can cast a spell

* Secrets you can't tell

* Mix a special brew

* Put fire inside of you

- Oh, I did the best I could, Joyce.

Which, in most cases, I must say, was,

well, how do I put this?

Plenty. * I'm every woman

* I'm every woman, I'm every woman *

* It's in me * I'm every woman

* Whoa, yeah

* I'm every woman, oh

* I'm every woman

* Oh, yeah, I'm every woman

* Every woman, oh yeah

* I'm every woman, I'm every woman *

* I'm every woman

* It's me

* Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

* Me

(audience applauding) (audience cheering)

- Oh, Joyce, Joyce, to have to be constantly less

than what you really are! - Miss Oregon!

- Okay. - When I was younger,

you know, I knew- - I'm sorry, Miss Chickle.

I'm gonna have to interrupt.

Thank you so much.

But I am being told they are making the announcement

for the top 10 finalists. - Miss West Virginia.

- So, let's go inside.

- Our next contestant, Miss Alabama!

(Miss Alabama screeching)

As you can see, we've got a very excited Miss Alabama.

All right, number eight.

Wanda Love, Miss Tennessee. - Oh!

- Finalist number nine, Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois.

And contestant number 10, Lorna Larkin, Miss Texas.

And there you have your top 10 finalists.

One of these beautiful young women

will become our new Miss American Miss.

And now it's my pleasure to introduce

the bathing suit competition.

Miss Alabama. (audience applauding)

(audience cheering) - Come on.

(soft music)

- Miss Florida. (audience applauding)

(Lorna sighs)

Now listen closely, everyone.

It's time now to announce our final five.

Best of luck, ladies.

Now, in random order, our final five are:

Miss Tennessee. (audience applauding)

Miss Alabama. (Miss Alabama screeching)

(audience applauding) (audience cheering)

Miss Hawaii. (audience applauding)

Miss Texas. (audience applauding)

And Miss Illinois. - Woo, yay!

- Yes, yes, woo!

- And there they are, ladies and gentlemen,

our top five finalists.

Now, once she becomes our new Miss American Miss,

one of these beautiful young women will

say goodbye to her family, her friends,

and for one solid year, she'll travel the globe,

speaking out on the issues of the day,

spreading good will and let's face it, ladies and gentlemen,

just reminding everyone of what truly beautiful really is.

Don't you think so? (audience applauding)

Now, let's see how talented they are.

(dramatic piano music)

- As we listen to the talented Miss Hawaii on the piano,

I ask myself, what makes a woman beautiful?

And how far will some go to be called the most beautiful?

(upbeat violin music)

(audience applauding) (audience cheering)

(dramatic music)

(soft music)

(light dramatic music)

(audience applauding) (audience cheering)

- [Man] Miss Illinois, this way, please.

(playful music)

* He is the very model of a modern major-general *

* I've information vegetable, animal and mineral *

* He knows the kings of England *

* And he quotes the fights historical *

* From Marathon to Waterloo in orders categorical *

* He's very well acquainted too *

* With matters mathematical

* I understand equations both the simple and quadratical *

* About binomial theorem he is teeming with a lot of news *

* With many cheerful facts

* About the square of the hypotenuse *

* He's very good at integral and differential calculus *

* I know the scientific names of beings animalculous *

* In short, in matters vegetable *

* Animal and mineral

* He is the very model

* Of a modern major-general

(audience applauding) (audience cheering)

* Tonight you're mine

* Completely

* You give your love

* So sweetly

* Tonight

* The light of love is in your eye *

* But will you love me tomorrow *

* Tonight with words

* Unspoken

* You'll say I'm the only one

* But will my heart be broken

* When the night

* Meets the mornin' sun

* Oh, oh, whoa, hey

* I need to know

* That your love

* Your love, your love, your love, your love *

* Your love is a love I can

* Be sure of

* Hm, so tell me now

* And I won't ask again

* Will you still love me tomorrow *

* Ooh

* Will you still love me tomorrow *

* Will you, will you, will you, will you *

* Will you still love me

* Tomorrow

(audience applauding) (audience cheering)

- Time now to narrow it down to our final three contestants.

And here they are in no particular order.

Finalist number one: Lorna Larkin, Miss Texas.

Finalist number two: Wanda Love, Miss Tennessee.

(Wanda sighs) - Thank you.

- The third and final contestant:

Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois.

(audience applauding)

Which one of these beautiful young women

will become our new Miss American Miss?

It's your call, America.

That's right, let your voice be heard.

So, while they're changing into their evening gowns,

please write down the number at the bottom of your screen.

This year's Miss American Miss should represent you.

So, speak up, America.

And here they are in evening gown.

Miss Tennessee. (audience applauding)

Miss Illinois. (audience applauding)

- I have the final piece of information

to disqualify Mona Hibbard,

Miss Illinois, right here. - Miss Texas.

(audience applauding) (audience cheering)

And there you have our contestants in evening gown.

Next, we're gonna roll out our soundproof booth

and we'll begin our final round

of competition, the questions.

And we'll start with Miss Texas.

I'd also like to tell you that the construction

of this booth renders it absolutely soundproof.

I doubt if they could hear a bomb go off, once inside.

All right.

(both sigh)

- Have you ever been to Appalachia?

- No.

- I want out, and there's only one crown.

Look at us.

Two white trash girls tryin' to crack the code.

- Wanda Love, Miss Tennessee. (Wanda sighs)

- Tell me it's all true.

Tell me that you grew up with foster brothers and sisters,

and that you risked your life to save one of 'em.

Tell me that you love aerobics and roller coasters.

'Cause if it's true, then you deserve to win.

- What difference does it make?

- Well, I don't know if I want to be a pretend role model

to thousands of little girls.

Or a real role model to one.

- And now Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois.

(audience applauding)

Here we go.

What quality do you most like about yourself, and why?

- That's an easy one.

Mona, Mona, it's your sincerity.

(Mona sighs)

- Come on, Mona, come on.

- Could you repeat the question?

- What quality do you most like about yourself, and why?

(somber music)

- I don't like myself.

(crowd gasping) (muffled talking)

- What are you...

- But I'm going to.

(Mona chuckling)

Vanessa, you're my little girl.

(muffled talking)

Mine.

(light dramatic music)

- Huh?

- Come on.

You belong with me.

We're goin' home.

- I don't think that was the right answer.

- Hm, hang on.

(crowd talking over each other)

- What is she doing? - How would I know?

- She can't do that!

- All right, what do you wanna do?

Go to commercial? - No, no, no!

Keep going, keep going. - All right.

- Be funny.

- Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's uh,

that's kinda what makes live television so interesting.

And uh- - We actually had a chance,

and then she goes nuts.

- Shut up, Lurdy!

- But I do remember- - Wait, wait a minute.

What, what just happened?

- Miss Illinois just made a statement

that women with children should be allowed

to be Miss American Miss.

- And I mean, he talked to- - Sorry, you can't exit here.

- [Host] Everybody who would talk back to him

for 12 minutes on stage. (woman applauding)

- Please.

- The following year, this poor sucker went over there

again and the same thing happened-

- Hey, no one can come in and out until after the show.

Now, they need you on stage now.

- Didn't you hear?

I'm ineligible.

This is my daughter, and I wanna go.

Please. (people applauding)

- [Host] I do remember a time where the host-

- We are live on TV.

Please, just please, please.

Please, just go.

Please.

- Cut it.

Hang on, what's going on?

Let me just go on for a sec.

What's going on in here? - Never had this experience

with a contestant before.

But I do remember...

- If she just did what I think she did,

she's fuckin' brilliant.

- You go, Mona Hibbard! (woman cheering)

- And I mean he talked to- - Right on.

- I'm gonna call. - For 12 minutes on stage.

- What's that number? - Where's my phone?

- No finalist has ever sacrificed the crown

in order to make a statement about the realistic

psychological and socioeconomic conditions

of today's American women.

- But she can't win! (phones ringing)

Mothers and legal guardians are ineligible.

- Listen, listen to the crowd.

We must evolve with the times.

- What's happening?

- [Host] And we all have to go to bed sometimes, don't we?

- I don't get it, what happened?

- She's making a statement about the difficulties women face

maintaining high self-esteem in a patriarchal society.

- [Host] They're back, so something's up.

Let's find out.

- They've scored her.

The judges have scored her.

Go on with the show. - Okay.

- Okay.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

if I could have your attention, please.

Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois, has given her answer

and she has been judged by our panel.

So let's now bring our other

two finalists out of the booth.

And we'll continue in our countdown

to find out who will be Miss American Miss 2000.

Our judges have tabulated the scores along

with your telephone call-in votes.

- Touche.

- So, here we go.

Our second runner-up.

Lorna Larkin, Miss Texas! (audience applauding)

- [Crowd] Mona, Mona, Mona, Mona, Mona, Mona, Mona,

Mona, Mona, Mona, Mona, Mona, Mona, Mona.

- You cracked the code.

You found the new frontier.

- [Crowd] Mona, Mona, Mona, Mona, Mona, Mona, Mona.

- First runner-up, Wanda Love, Miss Tennessee!

- Congratulations. (audience cheering)

- That means Mona Hibbard, Miss Illinois,

is our new Miss American Miss!

- We won, we won, we won.

(women cheering)

- She won, she won!

- Wow.

(audience applauding) (audience cheering)

- Congratulations.

- She's ineligible.

Wait, you guys know that I was gonna break this story.

She, I had it first!

You guys all know this.

Tom Brokaw, if you're out there watching, you know that...

Wait a second, I didn't say cut.

I didn't say cut.

Back it up.

I'm not through. - Let's go guys.

Yes, you are.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Back it up, come back here.

(audience applauding) (audience cheering)

(gentle music)

- Ruby's watching. - Hi, Ruby, hi.

- Hi, Ruby. (Ruby giggling)

We did it!

We did it!

- We did, we did it, we did.

Vanessa, Mona, we did it!

(audience applauding)

(gentle music)

(woman cheering)

We did it.

* With you right here beside me *

- [Mona] Woo!

She's free, she's free!

She's free!

Oh, my God! * And I allowed your hand

- Oh, I missed you! * To guide me

- You're so lucky!

(muffled talking) * Like a perfect stroke

* Of genius

* I might've known the strength beneath my very nose *

- I can't believe that I won for a while.

* As I was thrashing through the thorns *

* Stumbled on the rose (muffled talking)

* Well, with every angel near and far *

* Know how beautiful you really are *

* Then heaven might go right to sleep *

* Its work complete

* I do believe you can carry

* Twice the weight of every suffering fool *

* Had I the wisdom that you share *

* We wouldn't have these tears to stroll through *

* I might've noticed I'd forgotten what I'd set out to win *

* And where I want to arrive

* Is where you've always been

* Oh, with every angel near and far *

* Knew how beautiful you really are *

* Then heaven might go right to sleep *

* Its work complete

* For every prize on earth I might've won *

* I'd trade them all away for just this one *

* Just a sight of him getting it right *

(gentle music)

* Oh, if every angel near and far *

* Knew how beautiful you really are *

* Then heaven might go right to sleep *

* Its work complete