Original subtitles

>> Taylor: I'M TAYLOR TOMLINSON AND THIS IS "AFTER

MIDNIGHT".

THE LATE NIGHT GAME SHOW THAT TAKES OFF ITS GLASSES

AND MAKES YOU GO, "WHOA...

SHE WAS HOT THE WHOLE TIME."

LET'S MEET TONIGHT'S PANELISTS!

SHE'S A STAND-UP COMEDIAN YOU CAN SEE LIVE AT THE

LINCOLN THEATRE IN WASHINGTON, DC ON MAY 17,

IT'S JESSICA KIRSON!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> HI.

I AM JESSICA, I CAN BARELY GET OUT OF BED, AND I JUST

ATE SIX DOUGHNUTS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I KNOW.

I'M JUST KIDDING, 86.

>> Taylor: [LAUGHS] YOU CAN HEAR HER ON HER PODCAST,

"STEPH INFECTION," AND SEE ON HER "FILTH QUEEN TOUR"

NOW, IT'S COMEDIAN STEPH TOLEV!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> I'M DISGUSTING.

IT'S ME, BULK AREAS IT'S ME, BULK AR BULGARIA'S OWN STEPH

TOLEV.

DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE I LEFT MY BAG OF BLOOD?

I LEFT BLOOD SOMEWHERE AND I CAN'T FIND IT.

CHECK UNDER YOUR SEATS!

>> Taylor: HE'S A COMEDIAN AND ACTOR YOU CAN SEE TAPING

HIS LATEST SPECIAL AT LINCOLN HALL IN CHICAGO ON

MAY 31ST, IT'S EDDIE PEPITONE!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> THANK YOU!

IT'S AN HONOR TO BE HERE ON NETWORK TV!

MY TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC!

HELLO TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE DIED IN FRONT OF THEIR

TELEVISION!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Taylor: OH, FINALLY SOMEONE

SAID IT.

OKAY PANELISTS, TONIGHT YOU'LL ALL BE PLAYING FOR...

THE BATHROOM KEY FOR A LOCAL GAS STATION!

[APPLAUSE] THEY MAKE IT SO BIG SO YOU DON'T STEAL IT,

BUT THEY CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

WIN, AND THE GAS STATION BATHROOM ON MELROSE IS ALL

YOURS.

YOURS. BEFORE WE GET STARTED: WHAT'S YOUR GOAL HERE

BEFORE WE GET STARTED: WHAT'S YOUR GOAL HERE

TONIGHT?

JESSICA?

>> TO HAVE FUN AND GET LAID.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] OKAY.

OKAY.

>> Taylor: HOW ABOUT YOU, STEPH?

>> I FINALLY MET MY REAL PARENTS ON LIVE TV, SO...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> [BLEEP]!

>> WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?

I DON'T KNOW.

>> Taylor: HOW ABOUT YOU, EDDIE?

>> I WANT TO MAKE ENOUGH MONEY ON THE SHOW TONIGHT TO

PAY FOR A NEW POLYURETHANE HEART.

>> Taylor: HOW MUCH DO THOSE COST?

>> A LOT.

AND I ALSO WANT TO MAKE PEOPLE WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN

ME BELIEVE IN ME.

AND NO ONE WHO I HAVE MET BELIEVES IN ME.

NO ONE.

>> I BELIEVE IN YOU.

>> EDDIE!

>> YES?

>> ARE YOU DOING CROWD WORK RIGHT NOW?

>> I HEAR THINGS.

I HEAR THINGS.

>> Taylor: OH, MAN.

OKAY.

I'M REALLY WORRIED ABOUT GETTING THROUGH THE SHOW.

SORRY, WE ARE PROFESSIONAL.

LET'S START WITH THE "GROUP CHAT!"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THESE DAYS, EVERYTHING GETS CAUGHT

UP IN THE CULTURE WARS.

PEOPLE POLITICIZE EVERYTHING: MOVIES, BOOKS,

EVEN BREAKFAST CEREAL.

>> WHAT DO YOU CALL THESE?

>> FRUITY PEBBLES.

>> WHAT ARE THEY?

>> FRUITY PEBBLES.

>> Taylor: YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST, FOLKS.

FRUITY PEBBLES IS PART OF THE GAY AGENDA.

INFORMATION IS PART OF A BALANCED BREAKFAST!

SO WHAT ARE SOME OTHER POLITICIZED MESSAGES HIDDEN

IN CEREAL?

>> CAPTAIN CRUNCH IS PROMOTING THE

MILITARY-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX.

HE TRAFFIC WEAPONS TO COUNT CHOWCHILLA.

THAT'S RIGHT.

LOOK IT UP.

>> Taylor: [LAUGHS] JESSICA.

>> THE TRIX RABBIT IS A DRAG QUEEN.

THAT'S WHY THEY ARE FOR KIDS!

>> Taylor: STEPH.

>> TOUCAN SAM IS FUNDED BY GEORGE SOROS AND MY HIGH

SCHOOL BULLIES.

TAKE A PEEK.

>> Taylor: [LAUGHS] OKAY NOT TO BE BLEAK, BUT SOMETIMES

PEOPLE DIE.

NOT ME, THOUGH.

CBS WOULD NEVER LET THAT HAPPEN.

BUT NOW, SNAPCHAT HAS MADE IT POSSIBLE TO TALK TO THE

DEAD...

SORT OF.

THANKS TO NEW CHAT GPT-POWERED TECHNOLOGY,

USERS CAN QUOTE, "RECREATE THE LIKENESS OF, AND

COMMUNICATE WITH, THE DEAD."

I'D SHOW YOU A VIDEO OF THIS BUT IT'S SO SAD.

ALSO, THE ONE GOOD THING ABOUT DYING IS YOU DON'T

HAVE TO TALK TO FAMILY ON THE PHONE ANYMORE.

[LAUGHTER] AS A DEAD PERSON, MAKE AN EXCUSE TO GET OFF

THE PHONE!

EDDIE.

>> SORRY, I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW, I AM BEING REINCARNATED

AS A WOLF WITH NO MOUTH.

AS KARMIC PUNISHMENT, I HAVE DONE UNSPEAKABLE THINGS,

TAYLOR!

>> Taylor: [LAUGHS] JESSICA.

>> SORRY CAN'T TALK, THE 72 VIRGINS ARE HORNY.

>> Taylor: OH, MY GOD, THE TONGUE.

>> SO SLIPPERY AND NICE.

>> MY TONGUE IS LIKE A FLAG IN A WINDSTORM.

>> Taylor: I COULD NOT FIND THE WORDS FOR IT.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.

>> I AM TURNED ON.

>> Taylor: MY GOODNESS.

STEPH.

>> I'M SORRY YOU HAVE AN MY GREAT GRANDMA GRANDFATHER

RIGHT NOW, AND I AM SORRY THAT I HAVE WATCHED SO MUCH

PORN OKAY, GRANDPA, LEAVE ME ALONE.

>> Taylor: GUYS, WHEN YOU'RE TEXTING A GIRL YOU'RE

DATING, YOU'RE NOT JUST TEXTING HER, YOU'RE ALSO

TEXTING A ROOM FULL OF HER FRIENDS.

THEY'RE ANALYZING WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, CREATING A

PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE OF YOU, AND CRAFTING THE LIKE

IN THIS TIKTOK.

>> WHAT SHOULD I SAY BACK TO HI >> WHAT SHOULD I SAY BACK

TO H HIM?

>> NOT MUCH, IT'S UP IN THE AIR.

>> YEAH, WHAT ABOUT ALL OF US?

>> SO NERVOUS.

>> LIKE IF YOU ARE LUCKY.

>> Taylor: OH, MY GOD, THE REACTION THAT GOT.

SHE SAID THE WORD "LOVE!"

WELL, THIS LOOKS FUN, SO AS HER BRAINTRUST, TELL HER HOW

SHE SHOULD RESPOND TO THE TEXT MESSAGE: "WHAT ARE YOU

DOING FRIDAY?"

IN A WAY THAT MAKES HER SEEM REALLY NORMAL.

IT'S IMPRESSIVE.

EDDIE.

>> CAP'N CRUNCH IS PART OF THE MILITARY -- OH SORRY,

THAT'S NOT IT.

THIS IS -- THAT WAS THE LAST ANSWER.

I'M SORRY.

I SAID CONFUSED.

BY THE WAY, ALL OF THE WOMEN I DATE HAVE NO FRIENDS.

THAT WOULD NOT HAPPEN.

>> IT'S TRUE.

>> I PICKED UP THE ISOLATED WOMEN.

>> THEY ARE NOT REAL, THEY ARE MADE OUT.

>> THAT'S YOUR OPINION.

>> I HAVE MET THEM!

>> SO THIS IS MY ANSWER.

I WOULD SAY "SORRY, I CAN'T TALK NOW.

I AM BEING REINCARNATED INTO A WOLF -- >> Taylor: THIS IS

THE DATING ONE.

>> FRIDAY, BUT I AM SORRY COME ON FRIDAYS I GOOGLE

"BLOOD SPLATTER."

DO YOU KNOW IT CAN TRAVEL UP TO 8 FEET?

>> Taylor: [LAUGHS] >> WE ARE CLAPPING AT THAT?

REALLY?

>> Taylor: IT WAS SUCH A JOURNEY WE WENT ON.

STEPH.

>> FIRST OF ALL, ME AND MY FRIENDS DON'T TALK ABOUT

THAT AT ALL.

WE ARE VERY DIFFERENT.

I ASSUME YOU ARE THE SAME.

>> I DON'T HAVE FRIENDS.

>> MOM AND DAD TOGETHER AGAIN!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> YOU WOULD BE SURPRISED!

>> DO YOU HAVE A VAGINA?

>> YES.

>> Taylor: THIS COULD BE A CBS A SITCOM.

>> THEY REALLY KISS!

>> Taylor: WE ARE GOING TO BE HERE TILL MIDNIGHT.

JESSICA.

>> I WOULD SAY "I AM SORRY, I CAN'T.

I'M WATCHING SCHINDLER'S LIST AND TRYING NOT TO

LAUGH."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WAIT!

>> Taylor: THERE IS MORE?

>> I'M NOT ALLOWED -- I'M ALLOWED TO SAY THAT, BECAUSE

I AM JEWISH.

>> Taylor: OH, MY GOSH.

I'M GOING TO GO BACK TO THE TELEPROMPTER NOW.

AND IT'S GOING TO FEEL JARRING.

BUT HERE WE GO.

A PARTY CAN BE ANYTHING.

[LAUGHTER] I TOLD YOU!

A PARTY CAN BE ANYTHING.

60 PEOPLE IN A SWEATY NIGHTCLUB, OR 32 TURTLES ON

A BRANCH.

THIS PICTURE FROM NEW YORK'S PROSPECT PARK WENT VIRAL

THIS WEEK OF A BUNCH OF TURTLES HANGING OUT ON A

LOG.

AM I WEIRD FOR HAVING FOMO?

I KNOW IT'S SO CUTE.

SO SINCE THIS IS THE NEWEST EXCLUSIVE CLUB IN NEW YORK,

HOW WOULD YOU GET ON THE LIST?

>> YOU BRING A REUSABLE STRAW TO SNORT THE COCAINE.

AND THE TURTLES, AND THE COCAINE.

>> Taylor: EDDIE.

>> GOT TO LOOK HOT AS HELL.

THAT'S HOW I GET INTO CLUBS.

IT'S ALL ABOUT ACCESSORIZING.

>> Taylor: JESSICA.

>> GET A RESERVATION 98 DAYS IN ADVANCE SO YOU CAN GET

THERE ON TIME.

>> Taylor: GOOD TIP.

GOOD TIP.

>> THAT WAS CUTE.

IT WAS NICE.

>> SHE JUST CALLED MY JOKE CUTE.

>> Taylor: MIND GAMES, STARTING EARLY.

IF YOU LEARN ONE THING FROM THIS SHOW, IT SHOULD BE

THIS: DON'T GET DRUNK AND USE THE INTERNET.

IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL YOU'VE SPENT $500 DOLLARS ON

MATCHING MINIONS NECKLACES.

FOR LETTING SOMEONE KNOW YOU ARE THE "BA" TO YOUR "NANA."

BUT NOTHING TOPS THIS VIDEO FROM TIKTOK USER "INSERT

JUICEBOX," CAPTIONED: "WHEN MY MOM GOT DRUNK AND

ACCIDENTALLY LISTED MY LITTLE BROTHER ON EBAY" WOW.

>> LET'S [BLEEP] GO!

>> Taylor: HOW IS THIS LAVA LAMP LIKE A BABY?

>> A DOCTOR HAS PULLED BOTH OF THEM OUT OF ME.

>> Taylor: YOU ARE FUN!

YOU SEEM FUN.

STEPH.

>> I THINK IT ALREADY LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THOSE DISGUSTING

BLOBS INSIDE A LAVA LAMP.

NO OFFENSE TO THE MOTHER!

>> Taylor: EDDIE.

>> FILLED WITH TOXIC PLASTIC LIKE ALL OF US.

I HAD TUPPERWARE REMOVED FROM MY LOWER ABDOMEN.

THANKS, MONSANTO.

>> Taylor: EDDIE AND STEPH ARE TIED FOR FIRST PLACE

WITH 800 POINTS.

AFTER THE BREAK, WE'LL BE WEAPONIZING WORDPLAY WITH

"HASHTAG WARS!"

STICK AROUND!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ >> KYLIE JENNER, TAYLOR SWIFT.

ARIANNA GRANDE!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Taylor: WANT MORE?

FOLLOW "AFTER MIDNIGHT" ON INSTAGRAM.

♪ >> Taylor: WELCOME BACK TO "AFTER MIDNIGHT"!

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, THIS IS WHAT TALKING SOUNDS LIKE.

DON'T BELIEVE ME, IT'S TIME FOR THE TALK SHOW PORTION!

JESSICA, RANK THE FOLLOWING: RED, WHITE, AND BLUE.

>> I THINK RED IS MY LEAST FAVORITE, BECAUSE I AM

ENRAGED.

>> Taylor: [LAUGHS] >> BLUE COME SECOND, BECAUSE I'M SO

SAD.

>> Taylor: SO WHITE IS NUMBER ONE?

>> WHITE IS NUMBER ONE, BECAUSE COCAINE ALMOST

RUINED MY LIFE.

[APPLAUSE] >> I HAVE A STRAW FOR YOU IF YOU NEED IT.

>> Taylor: THAT WAS A GREAT CALL BACK.

>> ONLY I >> ONLY I HAVE GOOD CALLBACKS.

>> DAMN IT.

>> Taylor: [LAUGHS] STEPH, WHAT'S SOMETHING THAT YOU

WANNA EAT BUT PEOPLE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY CUTOFF DENIM SHORTS BECAUSE THEY

KIND OF LOOK LIKE A JERKY.

REALLY CRISPY.

>> Taylor: EDDIE, WE DO HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU.

WE ALL KNOW WHERE BABIES COME FROM, BUT WHERE DO YOU

THINK BABIES SHOULD COME FROM?

>> BABIES SHOULD BE MADE IN AMERICA AND AMERICAN

FACTORIES BY AMERICAN WORKERS!

USA!

USA!

USA!

WHERE AM I?

>> Taylor: [LAUGHS] OH, MAN.

AND FINAL QUESTION FOR EVERYONE, SOUP, SALAD, OR

BREADSTICKS?

YOU CAN ONLY PICK ONE.

>> BREADSTICKS, BUT NOT ORALLY.

>> I WANT TO SAY BREADSTICKS, BUT LEGALLY AS

A WOMAN LIVING IN LOS ANGELES, YOU CAN'T SAY THAT.

SO I WILL EAT THEM IN PRIVATE.

>> Taylor: YOU ORDER THE SALAD.

HOW ABOUT YOU, EDDIE?

>> I WILL GO A SPAGHETTI.

>> THIS IS GREAT, BREADSTICKS.

WHAT ARE YOU HAVING, EDDIE?

>> ARE YOU RECAPPING THE GAME?

>> I AM TRYING TO DO A CALL BACK, BITCH!

>> I KNOW THE BUSINESS!

[BUZZER] >> Taylor: THERE IT IS.

THAT SOUND MEANS IT'S TIME FOR "HASHTAG WARS!"

MOTHER'S DAY IS THIS WEEKEND, A DAY WHEN MOMS

FINALLY GET THE GRATITUDE AND RECOGNITION THEY

DESERVE.

JUST KIDDING, THEY GET [BLEEP] MACARONI ART.

IT DOES SUCK, YOU ARE RIGHT.

JOSH, GO BACK IN YOUR ROOM AND DON'T COME OUT UNTIL

YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T BRING SHAME TO THIS

FAMILY.

IN HONOR OF MOMS EVERYWHERE, OUR HASHTAG TONIGHT IS

HASHTAG #MomSongs.

FOR EXAMPLE, "DROP IT!

LIKE IT'S HOT," AND "GILMORE GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN."

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND YOU'LL BUZZ

IN WITH AS MANY JOKES AS YOU CAN THAT FIT TONIGHT'S

TOPIC.

GO!

STEPH.

>> DOWN WITH THE MORNING SICKNESS.

>> Taylor: NICE.

JESSICA.

>> BABY GOT BACK FAT.

>> Taylor: EDDIE.

>> BITCH BETTER BE MY MOMMY.

>> MY MOM WILL COME OUT TOMORROW.

>> Taylor: EDDIE.

>> MY NECK, MY BACK, WOULD ANY OF YOU KIDS LIKE SOME

SNACKS.

>> Taylor: JESSICA.

>> SMELLS LIKE TEEN HITS.

>> TAKE MY BREAST MILK AWAY.

>> MOMMY ESPRESSO.

>> PARTY IN THE USA.

>> I WANT TO DANCE WITH SOMEONE, JUST NOT YOUR

FATHER.

>> ME HIT BABY ONE MORE TIME.

>> Taylor: EDDIE.

>> THANK YOU AMY FOR BABYSITTING.

I REALLY NEEDED A NIGHT OUT.

>> Taylor: JESSICA IS IN THE LEAD WITH 1900 POINTS!

PLAY ALONG WITH YOUR OWN #MomSongs ON THE "AFTER

MIDNIGHT" SOCIAL CHANNELS!

OUR FAVORITE WILL BE FEATURED ON TOMORROW'S SHOW!

WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'RE GONNA DIVE INTO AN INTERNET

RABBIT HOLE AND HOPEFULLY NOT COME OUT RADICALIZED.

STAY TUNED!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ >> Taylor: WELCOME BACK TO

"AFTER MIDNIGHT"!

WE'RE HERE WITH JESSICA KIRSON, STEPH TOLEV, AND

EDDIE PEPITONE!

THE INTERNET IS FULL OF RABBIT HOLES TO FALL DOWN.

FOR EXAMPLE, I LOST A WHOLE AFTERNOON WATCHING TIKTOKKER

KATELYN SHOWALTER RENOVATE HER DAUGHTER'S DOLLHOUSE.

>> ABOUT THIS DOLL HOUSE FOR MY DAUGHTER FIVE YEARS AGO,

AND TRY TO MAKE IT OVER, AND I DID MAKE TO THE INTERIOR.

I ALMOST GAVE AWAY THE STALL HOUSE, BECAUSE MY GIRLS

WEREN'T PLAYING WITH IT, BUT LO AND BEHOLD, MY PATIENCE

PAID OFF AND NOW MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTER IS REALLY INTO IT.

>> Taylor: IN L.A., THAT PLACE IS 1.2 MILLION.

ALSO THIS VIDEO WAS NOT ON MY FY P, BUT IT [BLEEP]

FEELS LIKE IT WAS.

WE'RE GONNA GET A GLIMPSE INTO WHAT RABBIT HOLES OUR

PANELISTS HAVE FALLEN DOWN IN OUR NEXT GAME.

THE APPROPRIATELY TITLED: "WHOSE HOLE IS IT ANYWAY?"

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU AN INTERNET RABBIT HOLE THAT

SOMEONE ON THIS STAGE HAS FALLEN INTO.

THEN I'LL ASK EACH OF YOU TO TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT THIS

CORNER OF THE INTERNET.

SOMEONE IS TELLING THE TRUTH, THE OTHERS ARE

BLUFFING.

YOU'LL EACH GUESS WHOSE RABBIT HOLE THIS IS.

AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, IT COULD BE ANYONE ON THIS

STAGE, INCLUDING ME, AND SOMEONE COULD GO TWICE.

IF YOU'RE CORRECT, YOU GET 300 POINTS.

BUT IF IT'S YOURS, AND YOU CAN GET PEOPLE TO GUESS

INCORRECTLY, YOU ALSO GET 300 POINTS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THE FIRST RABBIT HOLE IS NEAL

THE SEAL!

>> THIS IS NEIL THE SOUTHERN ELEPHANT SEAL, HE IS HARD TO

MISS.

PARTICULARLY IF HE GOES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR.

>> SOMEONE LIVES HERE, MATE.

>> Taylor: [LAUGHS] THIS IS NEAL THE SEAL, WHO'S BEEN

TERRORIZING A SMALL TAZMANIAN TOWN.

STEPH, WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT THIS?

>> I THINK THAT'S THREE KIDS STACKED ON TOP OF EACH

OTHER.

SAME SIZE.

>> I WOULD NEVER -- ITS REALLY CUTE.

I REALLY -- >> Taylor: WHOSE RABBIT HOLE DO YOU THINK IT

IS?

>> YOU.

YOU ARE SO INNOCENT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THESE TWO ARE KILLERS.

>> I LOVE THIS, I LOVE THIS, I LOVE THIS ONE.

NICK.

>> I KNOW WHO IT IS!

IT'S KIRSON!

YOU LOVE IT!

>> Taylor: EDDIE THINKS IT'S JESSICA, JESSICA THINKS IT'S

ME.

STEPH, WHO DO YOU THINK?

>> I THINK IT IS EDDIE.

>> Taylor: WHO ACTUALLY WENT DOWN THIS RABBIT HOLE?

THE ANSWER IS STEPH.

>> I [BLEEP] LOVE NEAL.

I FOOLED YOU ALL!

>> Taylor: 600 POINTS.

>> THAT WAS STRATEGY.

THAT WAS GOOD.

>> I'M SORRY, JESSICA.

>> IT'S OKAY, ELAINE.

>> Taylor: OKAY, LET'S SEE THE NEXT ONE.

HOCKEY FIGHTS.

I KNOW, YOU ARE LIKE WHEN DO THEY START HAVING SEX?

THIS VIDEO IS FROM THE WEBSITE, HOCKEY FIGHTS DOT

COM, WHICH IS APPARENTLY AN EXTREMELY POPULAR WEBSITE?

EDDIE, WHAT'S A SURPRISING FACT ABOUT THIS RABBIT HOLE?

>> PEOPLE PROBABLY THINK, OH, THIS IS EDDIE'S, HE IS

MALE.

THERE'S A LOT A LOT OF REPRESSED ANGER AND THAT'S

WHAT THESE ARE ABOUT.

I JUST LIKE WATCHING GRAIN BEING MAILED.

THAT'S MY THING.

THIS IS CRAP TO ME.

THIS IS LOWBROW CRAP.

>> GRAIN BEING MAILED.

>> Taylor: DECISION TIME.

WHO DOES EVERYONE THINK HOCKEY FIGHTS BELONGS TO.

>> I THINK IT IS JESSICA, WHO IS GOING TO TYPE IN

HockeyFights.com ?

THAT'S CRAZY.

>> Taylor: JESSICA, WHO DO YOU THINK IT IS?

>> I THINK IT IS EDDIE.

>> I DON'T THINK THAT'S FAIR.

>> YOU SAID IT WAS ME.

>> I DON'T THINK IT'S FAIR, BECAUSE STEPH'S HAS ALREADY

BEEN REVEALED.

>> Taylor: PEOPLE COULD GO TWICE.

>> WHAT?

>> Taylor: PEOPLE COULD GO TWICE.

>> I WAS NOT BRIEFED ON -- >> Taylor: I SAID IT 3

MINUTES AGO.

I WAS RIGHT HERE.

>> THEY PULLED ME OUT OF MY APARTMENT TO DO THE SHOW.

I WAS HAPPY WITH MY DOG.

I WAS PLAYING WITH MY DOG AND THEY WERE LIKE, COME DO

"AFTER MIDNIGHT" "AFTER MIDNIGHT."

"AFTER MIDNIGHT."

[LAUGHTER] >> YOU WERE IN YOUR CAR.

>> Taylor: EDDIE, DO YOU THINK IT WAS JESSICA?

WHO DO YOU THINK IT WAS?

>> I THINK IT WAS ME.

I DO, BECAUSE YOU ASKED ME IN A QUESTION "WHAT IS MY

RABBIT HOLE" AND I SAID HOCKEY FIGHTS.

SO I'M GOING TO GO ME.

[LAUGHTER] >> Taylor: THE ANSWER IS EDDIE.

>> YEAH.

>> Taylor: 300 POINTS FOR JESSICA.

THE HUNDRED POINTS TO EDDIE, AND AN EXTRA 300 POINTS TO

EDDIE FOR BEING HONEST.

NOW TO BE CLEAR, BECAUSE THERE IS ONE VIDEO LEFT, AND

YOU DON'T GET POINTS FOR BEING HONEST, IT WON'T WORK

AGAIN.

THIS IS AIRTIGHT, THE SHOW.

OUR LAST RABBIT HOLE IS HIGH PROTEIN SNACKS.

AND THIS COULD BE ANYONE'S, EVEN MINE.

>> JUST LIKE THIS MUCH, WHICH IS YOUR PALM, THERE IS

THE BERRIES, DELIVER, AND THEN WE WILL ADD THE MILK.

[BLUNDER NOISE] CHEERS!

>> SHE IS TAKING IT DOWN!

[LAUGHTER] NO.

>> Taylor: YEAH.

IF THAT'S WHAT GETTING YOUR PROTEIN LOOKS LIKE, I DON'T

WANT TO DO IT.

EDDIE, ENLIGHTEN US ON WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT?

>> THIS IS ABOUT WEIGHT LOSS.

I HAVE STRUGGLED WITH WEIGHT LOSS MY WHOLE ADULT LIFE AND

PART OF WHEN I WAS A TODDLER.

I MEAN, THAT IS WHAT THIS IS FOR.

YOU KNOW?

WHO DOES NOT LIKE LIVER AND BERRIES?

>> Taylor: OKAY, STEPH?

>> YOU ARE ROCK HARD RIGHT NOW.

THIS HAS TO BE JESS'.

>> NO, WHY WOULD I EVER?

I DON'T EAT RED MEAT.

>> Taylor: THAT WAS SORT OF A PURPLE.

A PURPLE MEAT.

>> OF ALL THE SNACKS, RED MEAT?

>> I HAVE NOT HAD MEAT SINCE I CAME OUT.

>> ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT...

>> YES.

>> Taylor: THAT WAS A JOKE AND EVERYONE WAS LIKE OH, WE

LEARN SOMETHING!

SO STEPH THINKS THIS IS JESSICA'S.

AND EDDIE DOES TOO.

JESSICA, WHO DO YOU THINK IT IS?

>> ME.

>> Taylor: THE CORRECT ANSWER IS JESSICA.

I'M GOING TO GIVE EVERYONE 300 FOR THAT.

EVERYONE IS ALL TIED UP WITH 2500 POINTS.

WHEN WE COME BACK, OUR PANELISTS WILL BE ACTING,

AND MAYBE MAYBE I WILL FINALLY FEEL SOMETHING.

STICK AROUND!

♪ >> Taylor: WELCOME BACK TO "AFTER MIDNIGHT"!

TO MAKE IT BIG IN SHOW BUSINESS, YOU NEED ONE

THING: FOR YOUR PARENTS TO ALREADY BE BIG IN SHOW

BUSINESS.

BUT IF YOU DON'T HAVE THAT, THERE'S TIKTOK!

THE PLACE WHERE PEOPLE POST ACTING CHALLENGES FOR OTHER

ASPIRING ACTORS TO DUET WITH, LIKE THIS: >> THIS IS

AN ACTING CHALLENGE, DO TO ME.

>> HOW DO I LOOK?

>> HOW DO YOU LOOK?

>> WHAT?

[LAUGHTER] >> Taylor: GIVE THEM A MARVEL FRANCHISE!

WE'RE GOING TO GIVE OUR PANELISTS THE SAME SHOT AT A

BREAKOUT DEBUT WITH OUR NEXT GAME, ACT WITH ME!

♪ YOU'RE GOING TO DO A LIVE DUET WITH ONE OF THESE

ACTING CHALLENGES IN FRONT OF OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE.

YOUR LINES WILL BE ON THE SCREEN, AND YOU REALLY GOTTA

SELL IT.

IF YOU DELIVER AN AWARD CALIBER PERFORMANCE, YOU MAY

RECEIVE UP TO 400 POINTS.

FIRST UP, IT'S JESSICA.

JESSICA, YOU ARE UP.

AND HERE IS YOUR SCENE PARTNER.

>> JUST WONDERING IF YOU WANT TO GO OUT WITH ME

SOMETIME.

>> OH, NO, YOU FREAK.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE ME SICK!

I SAID STOP TALKING, YOU ARE DISGUSTING!

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WOULD EVER GO OUT WITH SOMEONE

LIKE YOU?

>> I THOUGHT WE WERE COOL?

>> OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU CRYING?

ARE YOU GOING TO CRY LIKE A LITTLE BABY?

DOES THE LITTLE BABY WANT HIS MOMMY?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WOW!

CHILLS.

CHILLS.

300 POINTS.

INCREDIBLE!

NEXT, IT'S EDDIE.

HERE IS YOUR ACTING PARTNER.

ACTION.

>> YOU ARE THE BLUE LINE.

WHO IS THAT GUY YOU WERE WITH YESTERDAY?

>> WHAT GUY?

>> THE GUY WHO WAS SUPER MATURE, DRIVES YOU AROUND

AND TAKES CARE OF YOU.

>> THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

>> IF YOU WANT TO BREAK UP, JUST LET ME KNOW.

>> NO, IT'S JUST A MISUNDERSTANDING.

>> WHO ELSE DO YOU WANT BESIDE ME?

>> HE IS MY DAD.

HE IS MY DADDY DADDY.

>> I'VE HAD ENOUGH.

IT'S OVER.

>> NO, NO -- DON'T WORRY, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY FAKE

DADDY!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Taylor: 400 POINTS!

400 POINTS!

OH, MAN, HARD TO FOLLOW.

A LOT TO FOLLOW.

STEPH, HERE IS YOUR SCENE PARTNER, AND ACTION.

>> YOU ARE THE BLUE TEXT.

I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD GO IN.

>> COME ON, DON'T BE SCARED!

SPEAK I KNOW THIS HOUSE IS HAUNTED, IF SOMETHING

HAPPENS TO US...

>> DON'T WORRY, THERE ARE TWO OF US, WE WILL BE SAFE.

COME ON, LIVE A LITTLE.

>> ALL RIGHT.

IT'S SO DARK IN HERE.

WHERE WE GOING?

>> YOU WILL SEE, YOU WILL SEE.

WE ARE HERE.

THE CENTER OF THE HOUSE.

YOU ARE NOT LEAVING.

YOU SEE THIS HOUSE IS NOT HAUNTED.

BUT PEOPLE THINK THIS HOUSE IS HAUNTED!

SO NO ONE CARES IF SOMEONE GOES MISSING!

DON'T BE SORRY!

>> LET GO OF MY ARM!

>> I AM SORRY I PICKED YOU TO BE MY NEXT VICTIM!

[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING] EDDIE WROTE THAT.

>> Taylor: I'M GOING TO GIVE STEPH 600 POINTS, BECAUSE I

WAS GENUINELY AFRAID.

I WAS GENUINELY AFRAID.

WOW, THOSE PERFORMANCES WERE SO BEAUTIFUL, I THINK EACH

OF YOU CAN CALL YOURSELF DOUBLE THREATS NOW.

THAT WAS AMAZING.

WHEN WE COME BACK, ONE OF OUR PANELISTS WILL BE SENT

TO A FARM UPSTATE.

AND BY THAT I MEAN ELIMINATED.

STICK AROUND!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ >> Taylor: WELCOME BACK TO

"AFTER MIDNIGHT".

CURRENTLY STEPH IS IN THE LEAD WITH 3900 POINTS.

HAVING ROOMMATES CAN BE DIFFICULT.

SOMETIMES THEY'RE MESSY, SOMETIMES THEY'RE

FREELOADERS.

AND FOR TIKTOK USER AT ELIAS FILMS, SOMETIMES THEY'RE

BOTH...

BECAUSE THEY'RE A COW.

[ALARM RINGING]

[LAUGHS] >> Taylor: I LOVE THIS AUDIENCE SO MUCH, EVERY

SHOT OF THE COW YOU ACTED LIKE IT WAS THE FIRST TIME

YOU SAW THE COW.

EVERY NEW ACTIVITY -- IT WAS PRECIOUS.

OH, MY GOD.

HAVING THIS ROOMMATE, OR SHOULD I SAY MOO-MATE?

NO, NO, SIT DOWN.

MUST CREATE ALL SORTS OF UNIQUE PROBLEMS.

WE'RE GONNA EXPLORE THIS SITCOM-TO-BE WITH OUR NEXT

GAME: "YOU HAVE A COW, MAN!"

I'M GOING TO PLAY A VIDEO OF THIS ADORABLE ODD COUPLE

MAKING A SANDWICH.

FOR 500 POINTS, YOU'RE GOING TO BUZZ IN WITH THINGS YOU

MIGHT OVERHEAR IN THIS HOUSE.

BUZZ IN AS MUCH AS YOU CAN UNTIL THE VIDEO ENDS.

AND A REMINDER, WHOEVER IS IN LAST PLACE WILL BE

ELIMINATED.

YEAH!

YOU HEAR THAT, JESSICA?

YOU ARE IN LAST PLACE, STEP YOUR GAME UP.

IT WILL BE OKAY.

YOU'RE NOT THAT FAR BEHIND.

OKAY, GET THOSE COW ROOMMATE JOKES READY...

>> HOW DID THE DATE GO?

DID HE EAT YOUR GRASS?

>> ARE YOU GOING TO START HELPING OUT AROUND HERE?

IT FEELS LIKE YOU ARE ONLY GETTING 2%!

>> Taylor: WOW.

STEPH.

>> OH, MY GOD, WE HAVE THE SAME UTTERS.

>> Taylor: EDDIE.

>> SORRY I ATE ALL OF YOUR LEFTOVERS, I HAVE FOUR

STOMACHS.

>> Taylor: JESSICA.

>> HOW CAN WE BE OUT OF MILK?

>> Taylor: STEPH.

>> I'M SORRY I AM NOT FEELING SO GOOD, CAN YOU

STICK YOUR WHOLE [BLEEP] HAND UP MY -- >> Taylor:

STEPH AGAIN.

>> GOD, WE BOTH NEED TO BE MILKED.

WE LIVED HERE FOR THREE YEARS, WHEN WILL YOU PUT

OUT?

>> Taylor: JESSICA.

>> GO CLEAN THE [BLEEP] LAWN, HUMAN.

>> Taylor: THAT SOUNDMAN'S TIME IS UP!

>> MY BUZZER!

NO, THIS WAS NOT -- THIS IS RIGGED!

>> Taylor: STEPH IS IN FIRST WITH 5900 POINTS.

JESSICA IS IN SECOND WITH 4300, AND EDDIE,

UNFORTUNATELY IN LAST PLACE WITH 3900, THAT MEANS EDDIE

IS THE MANDATED.

THIS >> I OWE PEOPLE MONEY!

I NEED THIS.

>> Taylor: YOU WILL STILL GET PAID, EVERYONE GETS PAID

THE SAME.

BUT BEFORE YOU GO, PLEASE MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER

PLACE, AND GIVE A PSA FOR OUR AUDIENCE IN THE STYLE OF

"THE MORE YOU KNOW."

>> AM I DOING THAT?

>> Taylor: YOU.

>> CORNISH GAME HENS DON'T TASTE LIKE REGULAR CHICKEN.

IT'S NOT THAT IT'S WORSE.

IT'S JUST DIFFERENT.

AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW BEFORE YOU TAKE A BITE, IT'S

HORRIBLE.

SO REMEMBER, ALWAYS CHECK IF IT'S A CHICKEN OR A CORNISH

GAME HEN.

AND DO DRUGS!

[LAUGHTER] >> OH, MY GOD.

>> Taylor: OH, MAN.

THAT WAS REALLY IMPORTANT.

WE'VE COME TO THE FINAL ACT OF OUR SHOW, WHICH MEANS,

WE'VE COME TO THE FINAL ACT OF OUR SHOW, WHICH MEANS, IT'S "FOR THE WIN!"

IT'S "FOR THE WIN!"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AS YOU ALL KNOW, THIS WEEK CBS SAW

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ >> Taylor: WELCOME BACK TO

"AFTER MIDNIGHT"!

NOW IT'S TIME TO PICK A WINNER FOR TONIGHT'S SHOW,

AND AS A REMINDER, YOU'RE PLAYING FOR...

THIS GAS STATION BATHROOM KEY!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I DON'T BELIEVE IN LOCKED

BATHROOMS, SO THIS IS MY TINY PROTEST.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I ASKED OUR PANELISTS TO PITCH A NEW

FAMILY-FRIENDLY TV SHOW.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.

ANSWER NUMBER 1.

NOT FRIENDS, A GROUP OF PEOPLE THAT LIVE TOGETHER

THAT ACTUALLY HATE EACH OTHER AND EVERY EPISODE THEY

THAT ACTUALLY HATE EACH OTHER AND EVERY EPISODE THEY TRY TO KILL ONE ANOTHER.

TRY TO KILL ONE ANOTHER.

[APPLAUSE] >> Taylor: I WILL WATCH THAT.

ANSWER NUMBER 2.

THE BARELY LEGAL BACHELOR, HE IS 18 AND LOOKS 12 AND HE

IS READY FOR LOVE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] LOOKS LIKE NUMBER 1 WAS THE

WINNER, WHO WROTE A NUMBER 1?

>> I DID.

JESSICA KIRSON IS THE WINNER!

CONGRATULATIONS!

THANKS TO OUR CONTESTANTS JESSICA KIRSON, STEPH TOLEV,

AND EDDIE PEPITONE!

I'M TAYLOR TOMLINSON, AND THIS HAS BEEN "AFTER

MIDNIGHT"!