Original subtitles

Take some notes here, son. I'm falling about like the devil's ball. I'm a

stranger bomb in the middle of the gate in a strange hotel.

And let me tell you that man with a trench coat and he'll take you downtown.

Nasty and in the corner street. He's an animal and I'm a bag of blood.

We shouldn't be doing this. I know but you're so goddamn sexy.

You don't even know who I am.

Isn't that what makes it so exciting? You know, and you seem so familiar.

Really? Yeah, I feel like we've met before, have we?

Well, I get that all the time.

I used to do a little bit of modelling, so you might have recognised me from

that. What have you done?

Well, you know the photographs on the packets of cigarettes, the one with the

really foul foot and the gangrene infection?

That's me.

Wow. Yes.

That's me. That's you.

Hang on a second. That's crazy because I've got the... Oh, wow. You see, when I

saw you before in the pool and I saw your foot with the blood and the pus and

the gangrene and the stench, I thought to myself, that looks really familiar,

but I couldn't place it. You're famous.

Oh, yeah. You're pretty special yourself.

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, we commit the soul of

John Barrington Yersey unto thee, my Lord.

that he may repent his sins and find eternal salvation in heaven.

Through Jesus Christ, our Lord.

Amen.

Prepare the prisoner for execution.

Oh.

Sorry, I almost forgot.

Would you like to choose the carbon offset option for your execution?

Sorry?

Execution by electric chair takes a lot of energy. It amounts to an emission of

about one carbon tonne. By ticking that box, you can offset the emissions.

Well, what do most people do?

Most people do it.

Yeah, most people do it.

It's only an extra ten bucks.

You want me to pay for my own execution?

And help create a more sustainable future.

Sustainable future?

You're about to kill me.

Well, for other people.

What do I get?

We plant a tree. What kind of tree?

Do you know what kind?

Nice one.

Oh, definitely a nice one.

Yeah, they don't skimp. You'd like it.

Would you say that you're concerned about your planet in general?

Not at this very moment. If you were, we do offer... Caleb, could you bring in

the... We do offer another alternative.

It's a wind -powered execution.

Much greener option.

And why don't you use it all the time?

Oh, well, it has its pros and cons.

It's definitely greener, but it takes a bit longer.

How long?

14 days. 14 days? 15 tops.

We give you books and magazines to park the time.

Free Bible.

But it's definitely greener. Oh, yeah, incredibly green. Definitely, yeah.

What?

All right, sure, let's go with that then, yeah?

Brothers, it is Allah's will that after five intensive years of training and

three years of planning, we are finally ready to carry out our plot.

For we are all committed soldiers in this war.

And by Allah's will, the date that has been chosen...

For this holy jihad is next Tuesday, July 12th.

Yeah, that's actually not ideal for me. I promised the ex that I'd pick up the

kids from school that day.

I'd probably do the evening.

I can't do evenings throughout that whole month. I'm in a community theatre

show, My Fair Lady.

My Fair Lady?

Yeah. I'm one of the second late, so it'll be poor form to pull out.

All right, fine.

How's everyone looking for August then? Oh, now you're just getting into the ski

season, aren't you?

I've already put a deposit on a ski chalet.

Ski chalet?

Yeah, well, I've never seen a snow before, so... I can do late August,

Late August, then. Late August.

Let's have a look.

Shall we say... August 24th. Duh!

What? No good?

No, it's the season finale of Breaking Bad.

I've been watching the whole series. I don't want to miss the finale.

Can't you download it in advance?

What? Yeah, but that's the US on air date, so not until 3pm. And

you can't actually download the time until about 4 or 5.

And I've only got a dongle, so it's going to take longer.

My mum and dad have got broadband, so I'll just download it at their joint and

put it on a USB stick for you. Can I get Homeland off you? You haven't seen

Homeland? He hasn't even seen the wire yet.

What? I tried. I downloaded the first step, but I can't understand what

saying.

You've got to give it more than that.

Brothers, please.

Let's all just focus on their purpose here.

Are we committed with jihad or aren't we?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We are soldiers of Allah.

In a war against Western decadence, this is our time to rise up in jihad.

So let us please hear no more about ski chalets or Breaking Bad or USB dongle.

Yeah. Yeah.

You feeling anything?

Not really, no.

Not even a slight sense of electrocution?

Sorry. Okay, Caleb, stop. Stop it.

Just quietly.

The family of the woman that you murdered in the viewing area, as you can

are getting a little impatient.

They want us to hurry things up.

Hey.

Oh, we might just have to go back to plan A, if that's okay with you.

Why don't we just...

Take the chair outside.

What are you talking about?

Well, I was thinking that maybe the problem is that there's not enough wind

here to power the turbine.

Not exactly a drafty room.

But if we took the chair out onto an open plane, probably get the job done in

next to no time.

Yeah.

Might be something in there. Yeah, I like that. I really like that.

Actually,

it's much windier. I think that's going to do the trick. That was a great

suggestion.

Where's he gone?

There he is.

Oh, crap.

That didn't work out well at all, did it?

Come back.

Lawrence, I love you. I miss you so much.

For fuck's sake, Helena.

Which part of till death do us part is giving you so much trouble?

Martin, come in. Thank you.

How's the farewell going?

Yeah, good, very well. Pete's very happy and the cake was very nice.

Oh, any left?

A little bit, yeah.

Good, I'll pop over soon.

Yeah, and I'd be sad to see Pete go. He's very, um, very dedicated.

Yes, well, you have to be. It's a tough job. Yeah, absolutely, no doubt. The

hours he puts in, I'm not sure if he sleeps.

I wouldn't do that job for all the tea in China.

Actually, that's what I want to talk to you about.

Why don't you take a seat?

Sure.

Look, Martin, I've been very impressed with your work the last six months.

That's why I'd like to offer you Pete's old job.

Oh, my God!

I can't believe... That's right, and the pay packet.

is China's annual tea production.

Oh, uh... Add some in there.

You want to pay me in tea?

Yes.

You'll receive all the tea in China per annum.

How much is that?

About 1 .4 million tonnes.

What are we going to do with that?

Sell it, I should think.

Sell it? Who am I going to... Sorry, who am I going to sell it to?

I did that with the Chinese.

Did you pay Pete in tea?

No. We paid him in pork.

Would he be happy with that?

Not overly.

I think that's why he's leaving.

Thank you very much for the offer.

I feel like I maybe still have things I need to accomplish in my current role,

and if I was going to take on Pete's job with all the vigour that that requires,

I feel like I would need to be remunerated financially and not with

products. All right.

Think about this, Martin. Any other firm, you'd be offered $150 ,000? Yeah.

Or you could receive 30 % of the world's tea production.

Why not just give me the money the company is spending on the tea?

Did you hear what I just said?

30%. That's more than India and Sri Lanka combined.

Yes, I heard you. I just don't... I mean, I'd understand your hesitation if

was offering you all the tea in, say, Kenya, a paltry 399 ,000 tonnes, but all

the tea in China.

If I'm putting in long hours, how am I going to sell a significant tonnage of

tea? You don't have to go door to door.

I mean, you employ a management team to run your global tea empire.

It's basic economic.

I'm sorry, if the salary is tea, I am going to have to decline the promotion.

Then you're fired.

What? If you're not progressing, I'm going to have to let you go. You can't

that. I need movers and shakers in this company, Martin.

Not the kind of person who'd turn down the chance to build a local tea

Yeah. It's move up or move out, I'm afraid.

Okay, I'll take it.

For all the tea in China?

Yeah. For all the tea in China.

Excellent. I'll call HR and let them know.

Congratulations.

Yeah.

Thanks. I'd better go organise some warehousing stuff.

Start learning Cantonese, I guess.

Yeah, you do that.

Oh, and send in Daisy on your way out, please.

Yeah. Thanks.

Ah, Daisy.

Hi, Bob.

Saved you a piece of cake. Oh, fantastic.

Um, Mum seemed a bit dejected.

I just offered him Pete's old job.

Oh, really?

I think you'd be a bit happier. I mean, Mum's job is very important, but, you

know. Very thankless.

I mean, I wouldn't do it for a small Greek island, a flotilla of luxury

and a threesome with Brad Pitt and Ryan Gosling.

Actually, that's what I want to talk to you about. Take a seat.

OK, it's looking pretty good.

Now, have you decided?

Would you like to know what you're having?

Yeah, why not?

Okay, let's have a look.

Oh, okay.

What's the matter?

I really think your doctor should probably talk to you about this.

Oh, no, whatever it is, we want to know now.

What is it?

What's wrong with our little boy?

He's...

A dickhead.

So you can see here, he's going to be a pretty massive

dickhead.

It could be worse. He could be a fuckwit.

Look, I can actually, I can give you a pamphlet on it at the moment. There's a

lot you can do to manage it these days.

I'm so sorry.

Sweetheart. Look, it's often hardest on the dads.

I had a woman come in earlier today and she's going to have twin skanky bitches.

I mean, can you imagine?

I'm in favour of getting our troops out of Iraq, but I'm against bringing them

home.

Are you all right with the exit road, sir?

Yes, yes, perfect.

Good leg room.

Oh, that's interesting.

Is everything okay?

It looks like we've actually overbooked economy on this life.

So what I'm going to do is I'm going to upgrade you both to business class.

Okay. Business class.

I'm in my business class as well.

Sweet. Eddie.

Yeah, is this all three of us?

Sorry, sir, just these two. Thank you. Oh, sorry, sir, just these two.

Business class. Next please.

Man, these are the comfiest seats I've ever, ever sat in.

So what?

Wait.

Hey, it's got 20 past. We've got to do this in five minutes.

Can you make it 10? I've nearly finished this episode.

Sean, we have to do this.

Yeah, I know. We will do this.

Modern family.

I'm nearly finished. Yeah, it's a really funny episode.

Yeah, it's really good. Hey, please.

All right?

Settle down.

Hey, I can't hear you because these are noise -cancelling headphones.

Have you got these in economy?

They're amazing.

You should check out the menu, too. There's six different items to choose

It's incredible. The chairs go up. Ow!

Good things to do.

More champagne here?

Oh, yes, please.

No. No, she's fine. No, no, no, no. I said yes. I said yes, please.

Um, no, because we don't drink, do we?

Um, I'm sorry, sir, but I'm going to have to ask you to go back to your seat.

Like, now.

Four minutes.

Four minutes.

Now, can I interest you two in some complimentary eye masks or slippers for

sleep this evening? Yes, that'd be amazing.

Yes, please. And can you also fix my iPad?

Slow. Oh, I'll be out of juice.

Let me fix that for you.

Sure can.

Can I get another pillow, please?

Yes, certainly. Thank you.

Hello? It's me. What happened?

Um... Yeah, I might put Sean on the phone, if that's all right.

Oh, fuck.

Hello? Where are you?

We're in New York.

What do you mean, you're in New York?

Um, we... we had a slight complication.

What kind of complication?

We got an upgrade.

Oh, don't say that. An upgrade?

Yeah, to business classes.

What?

We're fired.

He doesn't want to work with Aussies. What?

Good, that guy's a dickhead anyway.

Over it. Hey, let's go see the Lion King.

Yes! Yeah, that sounds nice.

Yeah.

But it's his 21st.

G'day, boys. Hey.

G'day, mate. How are you?

I'm good.

Taro. G'day, Taro. How are you? Great. Good. You must be the flatmate.

The flatmate?

Us two.

Is it?

I thought you said... No, I didn't say flatmate.

Oh.

Do you want a beer, Greg?

Yeah. Hang on. Yeah, that'd be good. What did you say?

Uh, nothing. I don't know.

Well, maybe you said something that sounded like flatmate, like, um,

fatmate.

Is that what you said? You said, come and see my...

Fat, mate?

Yep.

But I said, come and see my fat, comma.

Mate?

What do you mean, fat?

You brought it down here to look at your dick.

Erection.

Well, come on then.

Let's see it.

Let's see the fat man get it out. It's gone down.

Michael is a big fat bum head.

I know the line's not really saying that.

Hey, what the hell's going on? Officer Rampage, what's it look like?

That was my idea, dickhead. Yeah, well, I was here first.

Gives you the right, did it? You're a temp.

Yeah? Do you know how much photocopying I've done since I've been here? Tons?

Spencer account nearly killed me. And Rick wanted it bound, not stapled.

Binding? I've been overlooked for every major promotion for the past ten years.

Yeah, well, I hate binding.

Oh, Peter.

Peter was on my list, man.

What list?

I don't know. It's okay. It's just my... What the fuck? That was Mark.

He's never done anything to anyone.

Yeah, well, he could have.

All right.

My list.

Vijay. Uh, he's not in today.

What? Yeah, he called in sick.

Okay.

All right.

Sorry. Clean up?

No, Doris from Accounts. Oh, man, Accounts is on fire.

Everyone's dead?

I guess so, but...

I hate binding.

Who the hell are you?

I'm the new girl.

Would you

like a

coffee or a tea? No, thanks. I think I'd just like to get on with it.

Laurie, I'll have a ristretto, please.

Are you sure?

Oh, okay. A flat white with one. And a flat white with one, please.

Oh, and cancel the restrainer.

I'm sure you're eager to meet Mbantu.

Is that his name?

Mbantu. Is Mbantu okay?

Mbantu's great.

There is just a small matter of the final payment. Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

Sorry to be direct. No, no, no, no. I should have brought it up. I was just

putting it in my wallet this morning.

There you go.

All right, Mr Branforth. By the power vested in me by the government, I would

like to introduce you to your legally adopted son, Mabantu.

No,

no. This... This isn't from Uganda.

From where?

Uganda.

I thought you said Annandale.

Uh, I clearly said, more than once, Uganda.

Says here Annandale.

No, that's my address. I live in Annandale.

Oh, really? Because that's where Mavento's from.

You guys got a lot in common. Sorry, there's been some mistake.

I haven't adopted this man.

Yes, you have. No, I fucking haven't. Don't you want me?

That's not the point, mate.

Mbantu.

Mbantu?

You're not what I paid for.

So you like me?

That's not really the issue.

What, you don't like it? Why don't you like me, Daddy?

You're not my son.

You need to stay calm. No, I'm calm. You know as well as I do. I have paid good

money for a small child from Uganda, Africa.

Well, you can choose your friends.

But you can't choose your family. You can if you pay $48 ,000 for them.

I'm sorry I had to hear that, Laurie.

I'm sorry.

I'll get you a bit of this.

Now you've upset the baby.

It's all right, hey.

Can he stop that, please? You might if you put him on the boot.

What?

This way, mate. Easy.

Careful.

Nothing's coming.

What do you expect? I'm not his father.

This is sick.

I want you to accept your son.

Excuse me. Hi, Steph.

We asked earlier if it might be possible for Joshua here to maybe go up and feed

the cockpit.

Right.

Very thin planes.

Well, now's probably not such a great time.

Please, it would really mean a lot to him, and you won't be any trouble, will

you, Josh?

It is his birthday, so... Um...

All right. Very quickly, though, and you have to promise to stay out of the way,

okay? It's a little bit hectic up there. Be good.

All right.

This is Joshua. He just wanted to come and see the cockpit.

Help!

He won't be any trouble. He just don't.

Is it okay if he stands and watches? Are you being serious? No, get out!

It's just he's very interested in planes.

And it's his birthday.

Move the kid over here.

I said move over here!

Watch your step, sweetheart.

What are you doing?

This is your first time on the cockpit, kid? Huh?

I would too.

What happened to them?

Travel sickness.

So you want to learn how to fly planes, huh?

Okay, come here.

I'm here. Sit here.

Good.

What is this thing? That's the landing gear. Don't worry about it. Don't be

needing that.

What is this thing?

How the hell would I know what that does? Do I look like I went to pilot

Take it easy.

Let's just, you know, show him some of the best things.

What? The kid's interested in planes, okay? It's his birthday.

No.

See this control stick I'm holding?

This is what I use to steer the aircraft.

Want to hold it? Hold it.

Easy, easy. Easy does it. Easy does it. Be careful, good boy.

Look at that.

That's great.

You're flying the plane all by yourself.

He's flying the plane all by himself.

Good, good, good.

Do you see that stadium over there?

If you just go straight...

into that stadium, that would be great.

The kids are natural.

Want to be a pilot when you grow up?

Shame.

Maybe in the next life, huh?

Maybe in the next life!

Allah!

And I'm taking out the land on my landing strip. But when you're big, this

like writing those things like a lie. That man is an animal.

That dude ain't right.

That man is an animal.

That blood sucker ain't right.

That man is a...

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