Original subtitles

Take some notes here, son. I'm falling about like the devil's ball. I'm a

stranger ball in the middle of the day in a strange hotel.

And let me tell you that man with a French coat and he'll take you downtown.

I'll try it.

It's not even working out. It won't even let me access the server.

Could you send someone up, please?

No, not.

Is there anyone else?

All right, send him up then, I guess.

IT.

IT. Yeah, Jacob.

I think it's a new iOS because it's not recognising me as a user now.

That's just the monitor. I think it's fine.

Tim, how are you going with the notes on that report?

Not too good. My computer's not working.

Will Jacob put that up again soon?

Yes, Mark. Yeah, I'm sure he will. Maybe he'll knock me up a barn.

Look,

look, look. He's currently playing in the monitor, okay? He has absolutely no

idea about IT. He's learned nothing.

Tim. No, I'm sorry, Jacob. Look, you're a really nice bloke, but I'm sick of

everyone ignoring the elephant in the room, okay?

You are Amish.

I? Yeah. Yeah, you fundamentally reject technology.

Well, sometimes old ways are the best ways. Do you know what the T in IT

for? Technology.

Well, I wouldn't know anything about that. No, you wouldn't know anything,

you should.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

But it is broke, Jacob. It's broke, okay? Please fix it. What is that?

A sextant.

You're going to fix it with a sextant now, are you?

I'm sure.

I think you need a new computer. There's a surprise.

Okay, I'll order that now, shall I? No, no, I don't need a new computer. This is

Jacob's solution to everything.

I've had 12 new computers this month, okay? The last one, he just didn't plug

in. Tim, it's fine. No, it's not fine, all right? This company is hemorrhaging

money. All right, we laid off 60 people last week. There's no milk in the tea

room because we keep ordering new computers every time Jacob can't fix a

IP problem.

Oh, oh, yeah. That's definitely broken. How did you get this job?

He interviewed very well. We had a lot of applications. Who ordered the new

computers? Oh, great. Yeah, just over there. Thanks. I'm sorry. Am I the only

one here? This is beyond... You are a joke. That is enough.

Okay? Just get your things and leave, please. Make a copy of my report and

talk tomorrow.

Jacob, I am so sorry. I had no idea you came with prejudice.

No harm, Mark.

Yes. Didn't hear me coming, did you?

why you didn't hear me coming?

Oh, that's too bad.

Janie!

Janie, Janie, Janie, Janie.

Can you answer the question why none of you heard me coming?

What's that? I didn't hear you very well.

You drive a Prius? You're goddamn right I drive a Prius!

Whisper quiet!

I keep it under 24 kph.

The engine doesn't even kick in!

Jeff, please, take a seat.

What did you say to me?

I just said take a seat.

Have you eaten?

Let me ask you this, Paul.

What are you driving around these days?

Jeff, now you know what I drive.

2007 Subaru Outback. Oh, so you're driving around raping frees. I didn't

anything. I get 3 .7 to 100 clicks.

Maybe when you start saving the planet, maybe then you can tell me what to do.

Mother of God!

Breathe.

Breathe.

They got me.

They got me.

I'm not going to make it.

You've got to promise me something.

Promise me you'll look after my kids.

Oh, mate.

You shouldn't have brought them.

Oh,

wow. Beautiful.

I love those ceilings.

This is fabulous.

Such a modern feel to it. Yeah, it's lovely.

Do you mind if we get a feel for it? No, not at all.

Babe? Yeah?

Where are the blueberries?

In the freezer.

No, not the frozen ones, the fresh ones.

I ate them.

What?

I ate them.

I was going to make muffins, but I guess I'm not now.

Oh, sorry.

I knew that because I'm psychic.

No, I didn't know that because I'm not psychic. Go and get some more.

They're $12 a punnet. Why are you spending $12 a punnet on blueberries?

they're organic and I'm detoxing. Oh, give me a break.

You're so selfish.

Yeah, well, at least I don't go through people's private text messages.

Oh, so now... I'm the bad person, am I? Charlotte, it was one text message.

Well, I don't even know why you still need to have contact with her. She's my

friend! God!

Damn it!

I love it.

Wow. Um, the council rates are $5 .40 a quarter, yeah?

Yeah.

I wanted to visit the pyramids, but...

Then I found out they were made under atrocious sweatshop conditions.

I turn my back and he puts the ball in the hole, I'm sure.

It was a great day. It was a great day. Thank you.

So, Mum and Dad, we actually have something that we want to tell you.

Oh. Here we go. You've come here with an ulterior motive.

Do you want to do it together?

Yeah. Okay.

Three, two, one.

We're pregnant.

What did you say?

We're pregnant. We're having a baby.

You're going to be a grandparent.

You're telling me that... No, don't. No, no. Fine.

He's a big boy. He said it.

Timothy?

I just have to get it straight in my own mind because otherwise I get a bit

confused sometimes with the details.

So, Timothy, I just want to... If you could just... You come into my house

yeah, in front of my wife in my beautiful house and you announce to the

that you put your penis into my daughter.

Well...

Yeah, and then you brag about it. Yeah. Oh, I put my penis into your daughter.

Oh, there she was, and I did it to her. Yeah, not round the edges, just right in

there. You think I should be happy about this or something. Is that right,

Timothy?

We're having a baby.

Oh, a baby.

Oh, that's great, isn't it? A baby.

Well, that's terrific. Now there's going to be a little baby running around.

Wah!

grandy grandy pick me up oh that's terrific a constant reminder of you

your penis right into my daughter yeah every family event every every christmas

every birthday i see this little innocent child running around smiling at

though its head is your penis just looking up at me a constant visual

of your penis or sweaty and vulgar veins and throbbing just waning in the breeze

without any sense of direction. It could go anywhere, but where does it go?

Wacko, bajingo, right into my daughter's vulva.

Bullseye. And you think, my only daughter, that is, my innocent, only,

-to -this -moment daughter, and your penis right in there, up to the hilt,

think this is an image that I want to be haunted by.

No. No.

Look, I'm sorry if the details of this are disgusting to you,

You're going to have to move past that. I love your daughter. That's why I

married her.

We're very much looking forward to bringing this child into the world, as

sure you were, Don, when Ruth was pregnant with Lucy.

Are you talking about my penis entering my wife?

Hey, baby Jesus.

Why do you keep holding your hands like that?

Just practicing.

Ah!

Captain Cook and Mr.

Bank. Yes, sir. Welcome home, gentlemen.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

What is the spread of your marvellous acquisitions in the Southern Ocean?

Oh, yes, the Antipodes. Well, keep me in suspense no longer. Come, show me the

new corners of the Empire.

Have a look.

There it is.

That's a good island. Good fern. Great fern. I see.

And what name did you bestow on these islands?

They're the Cook Island.

Captain, your sense of humour is matched only by your navigation skills.

Come now, what are they called?

They're the Cook Island.

Named after?

Me.

I know.

That's my first time there.

Never really won anything before. Surely you jest.

No, sir.

No.

Am I to understand you've named this entire region after yourself?

No, sir. No, no, no. This appears 1770.

I thought it would be contemporary.

Contemporary name.

Contemporary, really.

Am I to inform the king that the only names you could come up with were your

own? And when you exhausted those, the year.

Not just the year.

Thursday Island.

Easter Island.

Christmas there. Christmas Island.

And what time of year? Were you in the region of Christmas Island? Please.

Late December.

Christmas.

You gave me a phone.

Yeah, as a New Year present. And what did you name these islands here? And if

you answer with your name or a time of year, it will be your next.

Sandwich Island.

The what?

Sandwich, like the... So instead of naming them after your king or country,

decided to name it after your lunch.

Yeah. You were sort of rushing them at that point.

You know, they were pretty rushed.

Sandy Beach and Breakfast Point and Tallest Stop, they were all very... But

there's a lot of islands, you know.

Oh, he named a tree after himself.

Fangsia. Fangsia tree.

I'm a botanist, but, you know, and it's pronounced... Fangsia.

Fangsia. It's a really silent bank. I pity the both of you when the king gets

word of this.

We can go back. We can go back.

We can go back. We'll rename it all. 12 months, you saw the king, and 18 months,

top. We'll have no cook.

No, no.

What's he doing?

We don't talk to him.

Do you like the chicken, Jeff?

It's fine, why?

Well, it's organic.

Is that about them bread to me?

No. We just found an organic chicken farm. You think I've never had organic

chicken before?

No, no, no. She didn't mean it like that. I drive a goddamn Prius, Miranda.

I'm doing a little of all for this planet.

They're just trying new chicken.

Jeff. What?

Is there, um, would you like some dessert or anything?

Actually, you know what? I do want a little something something.

Mm -hmm.

I want you and Jane to kiss.

Sorry, what?

To make out!

You should probably do it.

He drives the Prius.

Yeah.

That's nice.

That's very nice.

That's it.

Yeah, yeah, cut the breast.

Cut it.

That's the stuff.

Poor sexual performance can be a warning sign of future medical problems.

Yeah?

Like what?

Like that, soft coke.

Rosa, compliments of the chef. Oh, thank you.

Amazing.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

No, you don't drink.

Rosa will doubt you.

Oh. Oh, my,

it's delicious.

That's amazing.

Beautiful. Yeah.

Have you decided on your man?

Well, would you be up for the embellishante?

Embellishante. Yeah.

Up for it. Totally.

Embellishante, brother.

I'll bring it straight out. Merci beaucoup.

Thank you.

Yeah, sorry.

I have only... Fine. Fine.

I haven't had the rosado since I lived...

in Provence.

Wow. Yeah, and they do it, they fit it for just the taste. Yeah.

I've never heard of that.

It's Proven, Provencial.

It's only there, so.

Oh, wow.

On Belasanti.

Wow, that's amazing.

On Belasanti.

Please, after you.

No, no, you.

Of course, I insist.

Okay.

Two, four, six, eight.

No, sir.

Use the hands.

Use the hands.

Of course.

Oh, my God.

Oh,

my

God. That is off the chart.

That's delicious.

You going for a swim?

Oh, maybe.

Perhaps later.

Can I talk to you about something?

Yeah, what is it?

What? A swimming cap?

Yeah. Yeah, I said I might go for a dip later. Yeah, but you always wear it and

you never go for a swim.

I mean, you can't even swim.

I'm weighed.

You know what I'm talking about, Stuart.

Fine. If you don't like it, I'll take it off.

Happy?

Darling. Well, what? You didn't like the swimming cap. I took it off. It's not

just the swimming cap.

It's all the hats.

Oh, sorry.

I like hats. What, but you rather I was into heroin and hookers?

Stuart. We've been married for nine years.

And together for almost 13. And not once during that time have I ever seen your

head. I mean, you sleep in a sleeping cap.

You shower in a non -transparent shower cap.

The clear ones are for women. And I know you only bought the motorbike so you

could wear the helmet everywhere.

Oh, that is ridiculous.

Look at our holiday photos.

Every one of them.

Hatted. Yeah, they're my holiday hats.

Darling.

I think you may be... bald.

I'm not bald.

Oh, my God, darling, that is funny.

All right, then, let's see your head. Hey, darling, no, hey, sweetheart. No,

not... Stuart, I wanted to see your head. Hey, hey, hey, OK, OK, OK, OK.

I know what this is about.

You think I'm bald.

And therefore I have cancer.

And I'm going to die.

Darling, I don't have cancer.

You're such a worry pot.

Stuart, I know you don't have cancer.

I just think you're bald.

Bald as in what?

Bald as in you don't have any hair on your head.

Darling, I love you.

I don't want you to hide anything from me.

You know, I just want you to feel like you can be yourself with me.

I don't care if you're bald.

I just want you to be honest with me.

I'm serious.

I'm not interested.

Your profile said you were 18.

All

right,

I'm bored now.

I'm going to go.

Thanks for a lovely evening, everyone.

Prius.

Pizza. Extra spicy sausage.

Thanks. I just love extra spicy sausage. I can't get enough of it.

Well, maybe you've got some room for a little more.

I do, and I haven't fit you yet.

I'll take care of it.

Okay. Just take a pause. Cut.

What's going on? I just have to do a quick safety check on this. Again, mate,

are way behind today. I do understand, but rules are rules. Going to tick some

boxes here. Sorry, Brian. If you could just put your tackle back on your wide

front there.

Just take me through a few of your actions there. Victor, what are you

here? Well, I'm just going to pump her this way and then go from behind.

Yep. On the bed? Yep.

Just step down there. Just be careful.

Be alert. Watch around.

That's the way. You can just come down here.

Thanks, Cindy.

That's the way. Just hold. Are we all right?

Yep.

That seems to be holding quite open.

Yeah, it's fine.

It's got a little bit of give in it.

No, I think it'll be fine. Just get a couple of G -clamps. No, no, no. All

right. We're all good. Just take me through your second action there.

I pull out.

We've got the blowjob and then the facial. Okay,

if you'd just like to put these on for me.

Cindy, protect the eyes there.

No, no, no. She's not going to wear those. It's semen, mate. It's not acid.

Okay, it tends to irritate my eyes. Sure.

Okay, roll up, everyone.

Roll up. You're the boss. Okay, yes, I am. All right, let's go.

Searching positions, everyone.

Make safe. Everyone, lock it down.

Roll up and... Be alert, not inert.

Okay. All right, I'll get down. Jordan, action.

Pizza. Extra spicy sausage.

Thanks. I just love extra spicy sausage. I can't get enough.

Well, maybe you want some more.

Oh, I don't have any money to tip you with.

Don't worry. I'll take care of the tip.

Maybe I could be your pizza. Well, no, just hold it there. I'm really worried

about this lower back support here. Gordon, tight cut, everyone.

There's a bedroom here. Maybe we should just move it all to there. Do you know

the name of this film that we're shooting, Gordon?

Kitchen Flux 5. Kitchen Flux 5. Kitchen Flux 5.

So, it wouldn't really work in the bedroom. I've got to work there. Yes.

all right. Good on you, Gordon. Well pointed out. Okay, let's just... If you

could just get off the set, back away, sit out there. That'd be great. That's

good. Skip the intro. Let's go to the...

Okay, roll up, everyone, and action.

Oh, God.

No,

no, just stop there. Please, mate, look.

There is absolutely nothing going in the bottom seven there. The thoracic is

taking a pounding.

Look, if I could just... We just don't have time, honestly, Gordon. Make safe,

alert people.

Now, Cindy, what I'm going to do is I'm just going to take your weight. As I

insert myself in here, I can get some nice weight distribution going on here,

okay?

Cindy, you can just put your hands on my hands here. You see, we can both share

the load.

See that? Nice and safe. Got my weight over my knees and over my ankles there,

so there's no strain on the lower lumbar. Like that, okay? Okay.

All right.

Just lay on your stomach there.

Cindy, just got to watch that heart rate. It does get up a bit on the more

rigorous actions.

I've got her here now, and you see this. I can go hands -free.

Cindy, you can put your hands back here.

And you can actually brace your weight on my weight so we can share that.

See, no one's going to get hurt this way.

That's the way. Good girl.

I can get my feet up like this. If I were to increase the angle like this, I

actually come from this angle like that.

And that actually allows me to get a deeper penetration.

Once again, it can go quite quick if I need.

Nice and easy. You see, I'm watching around, making sure nothing's going to

fall. And I'm watching the edges.

You see, I've got my weight nice and even.

Over my feet like that.

There's nothing that's safe.

It's safe for everyone.

I'm being...

Victor,

over to you.

I think you should get off the set.

My wife just recently left me. Get out. Yeah, okay.

Okay, let's roll up, guys. Sorry about that.

That dude ain't right.

That man is an animal.

That motherfucker ain't right.

That man is a...