Original subtitles

This is a Cal Vista presentation.

Well can I get you anything?

All I want is you.

Oh, he's so sweet.

I love you so much.

I want to live with you forever.

It's only a second.

An eternity is a moment with you.

I have great inspiration.

Oh.

Honey, do you remember what we were talking about the last time we were

together?

Yes. Do you still feel the same way?

Yes,

I do.

Well, so do I.

Bye.

Done. Hold me, darling.

I will make you feel good forever and ever.

Well, I'm going to miss this wherever we end up.

Past mortals who wish to enter the kingdom of heaven, listen for your name

called. When it is your turn, step forward and prepare to be judged.

The Honorable St.

Peter presiding.

All right, all right. Knock off the nonsense and call the first soul.

Sorry, boss. I call Carl J. Bryant III.

Fuck's going on here?

Don't you get snotty with me, sonny, or I'll send you to hell faster than you

can shake your... bippy.

Well, that chick over there said something about heaven.

The last thing I remember, I was doing my morning exercises, and pow, here I

Morning exercise is my foot.

It states here, Kyle J. Bryant III...

that you died from a broken neck after falling off a trapeze.

This accident occurred when you were attacking your new housemaid, a Miss

Pruitt. Do you have anything to say in your defense?

Damn right, Your Honor. I'm innocent.

She was merely helping me into the swing.

Into the swing of things, you mean.

The great book of judgment does not lie.

I'll tell you what really happened.

Good heavens, Mr. Bryant. What on earth are you doing?

Oh, think nothing of it, Miss Pruitt.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to interrupt anything.

I realize this is your first day on the job.

Just doing my morning exercises.

Keep the blood pumping, you know.

Here, let me give you a hand.

Miss Prude, I wonder if you could give me a hand on to the exercise bar as long

as Mrs. Bryant isn't around.

Of course.

Thank you.

Mr.

Bryant!

I thought you just wanted me to help you up.

I did.

But I decided to go up on you.

I can't be doing this sort of thing.

Hey, Miss Pruitt, come back here.

Oh.

You need a bath.

Oh,

that was your

bath.

Very commendable, Mr.. The first day on your job

See, young man, you can't beat the book of judgment.

This court finds you completely full of crap.

Carl Bryant, you're going to the basement.

But, Your Honor, please let me explain.

Will the newly deceased Robert E. Maywood step forward?

Hey, did somebody up here call the Auto Club?

All I saw was a couple of chariots on my way up here. We ain't equipped to fix

chariots. Step up here, you stupid twit.

You're dead, and you're here to be judged.

Dead? Are you sure?

I was on my last call.

This is your last call, dummy.

Now, let's see what you're accused of.

Ah, yes.

It seems you've gotten yourself... smothered to death by shoving your face

the crotch of a Mrs.

Jane Gilmore.

That's a bum rap, Your Honor. I was just trying to fix her fuses.

You mean blow her fuses, don't you, Bob?

Will you people never learn that you can't fool the big buck?

It would appear that on the morning in question, you answered a call to

start a disabled car.

horn won't blow. It's got to be the electricity or wiring or something.

Yeah, it's probably your battery lane or else your distributor.

I'll check them out right here.

See who the perpetrator is.

That's all right.

Distributor checks okay.

Well, I know the car is broken. Maybe there's something underneath the car you

could find.

Yeah, uh... Great.

Jeffy.

I'll take care of it.

Did you see anything under there?

What?

What'd you say? I said, did you see anything under there? Uh, yeah.

No, I mean, no.

I mean, I haven't found it yet.

Maybe I could find a loose wire.

Well, look at this knob. We haven't tried it yet.

Oh, lady, that's going to go off if you keep messing with it.

Oh, that would be nice.

Oh lady, that's good.

Maybe I'm losing my concentration here.

Oh lady, that's good.

Hey, does your car break down often, lady?

Boy, you're really prepared lady.

It's so good.

Thank you.

Yeah, come on.

Thank you.

Oh good.

But, Your Honor, she forced me.

I don't want to hear any of that bull, Bob.

I didn't read anywhere about her holding a gun on you.

But, but... No buts, Bob.

In the light of the evidence, I'm afraid I'm going to have to send you...

Let's get on with this. I haven't even had a break for lunch.

Right on, boss.

Cutterhay, please come forward.

Come, come, young man.

I haven't got all eternity to mess around.

Step up here.

I swear to God, I think I just killed myself falling off a ledge.

Who the hell are you?

Now, don't you get ahead of yourself, smart guy.

I'm St. Peter, and you're deader than a doornail.

This is also your big chance to con your way into heaven.

I see that is what you do best.

Now, just a minute, sir.

It states right here that you fell to your death from a height of 80 feet

Jack Cannoli had found you.

in flagrante deletto et fornicazione with Betty Cannoli.

Sir, I'll have you know I was merely demonstrating a vacuum cleaner to Mrs.

Cannoli. I admit that things sort of got out of hand, but everything was

perfectly innocent.

What you really mean, Meatball, is that Jack Cannoli came home and found the

vacuum cleaner salesman hosing his wife.

I can assure you, sir.

Basta, basta.

Let's take a look at the facts, big mouth.

It states right here.

Yes? Good day, madam. This is your lucky day. I just happen to have in my

possession the very last, that's right, I said the very last demonstration model

of the new redesigned Super Sock Vacuum Cleaner.

It beats, it sweeps, it cleans. It'll make your life a perfect joy.

That's right, I said a perfect joy.

Now, if you'll just show me where the nearest wall outlet is, I'll prove my

point.

Come right in, little lady.

Well, I suppose it's all right.

I'm a newlywed and we haven't had much time to shop.

I've been awful busy.

Busy? I'll bet I know just what kind of busy.

Right, little lady?

You're making me blush.

I don't want you to fret about a thing, little lady. You just sit right there on

the couch, and I'm going to show you how to make your life a lot more fun.

Oh, God.

That's what I said, a lot more fun. Why, I'll bet you didn't know that the all

-new Super Suck not only sucks, but it blows.

Here, let me show you what I mean.

Gee, mister, that makes me hot.

Another novel feature of this machine, when I take the hose off here and put it

in this hole, is that it sucks.

Sucks?

Let me show you what I mean by that.

What are you doing?

Well, I guess I could suck harder than that, also.

Oh, except that bit.

Thank you.

You like the cottage, don't you?

Fuck me.

Oh, yes.

Help me.

Oh, that's my husband, Jack.

Sir, just allow me to put my pants on. I'm sure I can explain everything.

I know this looks a little odd, but it's not what you... Sir?

Such a nice threesome.

I swear, St. Peter, this is all just a misunderstanding.

I think at this time, Mr. Mouth, that you ought to be thinking about where

you're standing, because you're soon going to be standing under it.

If you'd just give me a second to explain... Angel Face, I think we've

just one more before we break for lunch.

Who's next?

I believe we have Mr.

Elgin Tweedy.

The report states that he checked out from a heart attack.

Belgian Tweedy, front and center.

Lordy me, where on earth am I?

Now, now, Mr.

Tweedy. Coraggio.

According to the book here, you are the only person present today who is truly

not guilty.

I feel awful. Just awful.

I've never... I mean, I've never... I do realize that you were a

virgin, Mr. Tweedy.

That bit of evidence is strongly in your favor.

It seems that you were sitting at home...

Two ladies realize what time it is. I'm certainly not interested in buying

anything. Please, sir, let us explain. My name is Kitty Skeggs, and this is my

friend Laura Schmutz. We're two college students trying to win a trip to Hawaii.

If you'll give us a few minutes, I'm sure we can explain.

Now, you'd certainly give two college students a little bit of your time,

wouldn't you?

Well, I do have a rather profound interest in education, certainly. Come

Thank you.

Okay, you little prick, this is a stick -up. Grab a wall.

Well, I never... You look like you've never done anything your whole fucking

life, Jack.

My name happens to be Elgin. I don't give a shit what your name is. Get those

goddamn rags off.

I beg your pardon? You heard her. Move it.

What?

Book.

Nothing but fucking book.

This creep doesn't even own a TV.

Well, I guess you know what that means, don't you, chump?

My name is Elgin. That does it. Get your ass on the floor.

We don't hold nobody up for nothing. And since you don't have anything to give

us, we're just going to have to get off.

Get off? I don't think I understand.

Get down, cocksucker.

Suck my cock's poor eyes.

Your cock's poor eyes? No, I could never do a thing like that. Yes!

And I'll be a dick.

Better, better.

You're

cocky,

Beth.

Bad as it's tough.

What's wrong with this rubber?

No rubber coming here.

Better come on better you get killed shoot your cock off if you don't get it

What's happening?

Happening.

I've never felt this way before.

You better not come, you cocksucker.

It's my turn. I want to feel this cock in my pussy.

Okay.

Come on, roll over.

get on top and fuck me come on do it i

want you to suck me to eat me good

We'll see.

That's right, baby.

You're doing it real good.

I can certainly believe you were the victim.

In my judgment, you surely deserve a place in the Paradiso.

I can hardly wait to get my hands on those two harlots when their time come.

Thank you, St. Peter.

I can assure you that all the things they did to me were totally against my

will.

But a couple of things did feel kind of nice.

I'm sure it was all in your imagination, Mr. Tweedy.

And now that you are duly registered, no doubt you are anxious to settle into

your new quarters.

By the way, we have a fine library here.

I can't tell you how immensely pleased I am, St. Peter. Thank you.

Please escort our new guest and see that he is given a...

Seven and one quarter inch halo with a pair of wings, medium size, and

nice in a flowing row.

Mr. William Gilmore and Miss Mona Barton.

Gilmore. The name sounds familiar.

Step up here, please, would you?

Hmm.

A case of double suicide.

Perhaps you would be so good as to let me know the reasons behind such a rash

action.

Begging your pardon, St. Peter, we love each other very much.

We just couldn't stand being apart.

It seemed to be the only solution.

It says here, Mr. Gilmore, that you're married.

Yes, I tried for a long time to obtain a divorce, but my wife, she just wouldn't

cooperate. She flatly refused.

We just couldn't go on living in sin any longer.

We have quite a record on Mrs. Gilmore.

This case seems to be one that presents special circumstances.

Perhaps you would leave the matter to me?

Yes, of course.

Oh, we love each other so much, St. Peter.

Well, come on, Angel Face. I'll take you to lunch.

Okay, boss.

Mona?

Mona?

Baby, wake up. Wake up. What?

Will. Oh, baby, I had the weirdest dream. It's okay. It's okay.

It's okay.

God,

listen to this.

What? Early this morning, the police discovered the nude body of Mrs. Jane

Gilmore. lying dead in the backseat of her automobile.

What? The police were alerted by an anonymous phone call.

Upon their arrival at the Gilmore residence, they found the garage locked,

after gaining entry, the corpse of Mrs. Gilmore was discovered.

The police are still investigating the case, but up until now, there was no

evidence of foul play and preliminary examination, but the county coroner

indicates the deceased was a victim of a heart attack.

Heart attack?

Well, Jane was in perfect health.

Don't you realize what this means?

Will, you're free.

We're free.

I love you.

It's like a message from heaven. We were meant to be together.

Maybe a present.

Please stay tuned for our coming attraction.