Original subtitles

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Excuse me, sir. Sit down and fasten your seat belt, please.

We are landing in Rome.

Oh, yes, sorry. But can I-- Just a moment, to the toilet?

Sit down and fasten your seat belt, s'il vous plaît.

- Oh, come on! Just a moment to the toilet. - No, you can't! Silence!

We are landing.

- Hello. - Hello!

Hey?

Is everything all right in there?

I'm paralytic!

Do you need any help?

- He sounds shaken. - I feel better now!

Good!

- Get away from the door, please! - No worries, I'm feeling much better now!

What happened?

I slipped on the floor.

But where's your wheelchair?

They stole it.

How did the thieves get away?

I… I don't know!

Please, don't! Help me get him up, please.

We urgently need an emergency wheelchair and a fruit juice.

I'm sorry, Uncle. I turned up without telling you.

My love life is total chaos.

No worries. I'm glad you came to see me.

By the way, when I saw you on that wheelchair,

I almost had a heart attack.

I'm so sorry, Uncle Fulvio.

They wouldn't let me go. Those obnoxious, zealous people.

"Zealous"? What a nice word. Zealous.

My dear Martino, this is the find of the century.

What do you see?

- Tainted water? - No! Look closer.

Ringed worms?

Yes! Leeches. Worms.

Listen carefully.

Their mating calls.

That's her.

And that's him. He's shy.

Leeches have always been known to be mute, Uncle.

- This find is-- - Sensational, I know.

Last time I went to Stuttgart, they treated me like a hopeless fool.

I'll make them eat their words!

Rice pilaf's ready.

And that's how it all ended. Me and Nadine broke up.

Come on, you met at school. Life goes on.

Yeah, but she was such a brilliant scientist.

I'd wake up in the middle of the night to watch her analyzing stool.

Why did you break up with her then?

She ran away with a thug! That's enough of a reason.

Martino Berese, don't forget that you come from a family of great scholars.

Your mom, me, your genius grandfather, Pal.

The same man who received this gift from Nobel himself.

Go ahead. Open it.

By the way, Martino, do you know that story--

- Amedeo? - A little man gets out of jail--

- Amedeo! Our cocktails? - Yes, sir.

But this was Granddad's gold watch.

- It was, but now it's yours. - Uncle, I can't accept it.

Listen, Martino.

Right now, in my opinion, you need something a bit more… a bit more…

A bit more?

Captivating, that's it. Something a bit more captivating.

- Do you think so? - Of course!

Actually, let's make a toast. Cheers to falling in love!

Yeah.

Someone's calling me. Who is it?

Let's find out.

Hi, there.

What? That's awful. Forget about it.

No, we can't put it off. It's too important.

I have an idea! I'll send you my nephew, Martino.

What? He can borrow my car.

Sure. Which one, you ask? My sport car.

You asshole!

Hey! Minzoni school, early 1990s.

We were classmates. Don't you remember me?

You had a "Take That" school planner. You're…

- Tea. - I'm Martino!

- Martino? - Don't you remember?

You used to hold hands with a blonde kid, during recess.

Those first schoolyard kisses. Well, I'd look at you all the time.

I'm sorry, but I don't remember you.

But that's my fault. I was never a cool kid.

Are you all okay? Are you all in one piece?

Yeah, I'm okay. But, come on, you can't drive.

Look at my handbag.

I'm sorry! I'm kind of drunk. My uncle--

I'm developing a drinking problem, you know.

I drink a cocktail every six years.

I can't stop.

Cool. Everyone has their own vices.

Do you need a… Wait.

Excuse me, do you have a lighter?

Is this your car?

Do you think I'm a thief? Of course it is.

It's a weird car.

Well, it's not mine. I borrowed it from someone.

Thanks. It's funny, though.

I come back from Switzerland after so many years, and I meet you.

I've been to Switzerland.

There are so many clocks. Are you a clockmaker?

No. I moved there with my parents, I graduated, and now I'm an entomologist.

- I study insects. - Really? Is that a job?

- Yes, it's my job. It's my life. - I'm sorry about that.

I mean, I get it.

Look at what's going on in the world. We have to make do somehow,

but come on, maybe, one day. Who knows?

Yeah. By the way, why don't we swap phone numbers?

I feel lucky to have met you.

Give me yours.

Great.

And he is?

Linda, he's Martino, your babysitter.

Martino, this is Linda, the head of our family.

Hi.

And where's Gaia?

Darling, I've already told you. Gaia couldn't make it.

- And so, you come from Switzerland. - I do.

- How was your flight? - It was great.

Unfortunately, I fell prey to some zealous people at the airport.

You said "zealous."

- Yeah. - I like it. Zealous. Good.

- Are you new to babysitting? - Yes, I am.

Well, two summers ago, I took care of my limping auntie.

- If that counts. - Honey, we're late. Tick-tock! Tick-tock!

Come on, let's go.

Lulù is not coming.

She's French, so she says she deserves an advantage.

Last time, she brought her own letters.

Can you imagine it? I mean, we weren't going to jail!

- But, who's Lulù? - Didn't they tell you about her?

No.

Anyway, bye! Please, be good!

- Bye! - Take care. Bye.

Can you imagine?

Monkey? Those two keep hiding my champagne.

- Champagne! - No, I'm good!

- I never overdo with drinking. - Really?

Cheers!

Happy New Year!

Darling, it's not New Year's Eve every time I open a bottle!

She's so silly.

Come on, monkey! Let's liven up this party!

Do an arabesque!

Excuse me, I…

I'm going to answer the phone. Well, if…

Tea, it's nice to hear from you.

Please, help me. I'm in danger.

In danger? How?

You should go to my parents' house and get something for me.

- I can't move. - What? Where are you?

I can't tell you right now, but… It's a matter of life and death.

Of life and…

Music!

Call the widow Cincotti on the intercom.

She never goes to sleep, so she can let you in.

The keys are under the doormat. Staircase C, third floor.

But please keep it down. My parents are asleep. Got it?

What? Are they in the house?

There's a cabinet on the right. In the first drawer,

there's a yellow envelope with some money in it.

Grab it, leave, and come here. I'm at Mamunia.

Wait. So, widow Cincotti, doormat, envelope with money.

I'm meeting you at Mamunia.

Yes, I'm going to text you the addresses.

- Martino? - Yes?

I wanted to tell you I'm so happy you recognized me today.

I've found our schnook. Are we done with this farce?

Listen, I'll never stop saying that breasts are so important.

- The breasts? - Yeah, the breasts.

- The boobs. - Yeah, I know them.

Good boy.

A man that doesn't know what breasts are, can't understand women!

I always tell this to my granddaughter. Linda?

A man that doesn't know what breasts are…

Is a peanut!

Move those tiny legs!

Come on! Like a swan! Yippee!

I must go. It's for an emergency. But I'll be back soon.

But you can't go.

You're here with her. I'll be back in an hour.

No, I can't be alone with her.

Thirty thousand euros on red!

- What are we going to do? - We're going to skin the girl and eat her.

- You're too tense. - I told you to wait in the car!

What's going on? Is the widow not answering?

Yeah.

Wait.

Who is it?

- It's me, Dad. Open the door. - Go fuck yourself!

- No, it's that he clearly didn't hear me. - We need to climb that wall.

Climb what? Lulù!

- Stop, Lulù! No! - Are you pushing or pulling me?

- What are you doing? - Stop, let me do it!

- You're touching my butt. - No!

A woman's butt, in order to be classy,

must fit in a man's hand, or in a champagne glass.

Lulù!

Let's go, come on!

The last time I hurt myself this bad was when I fell down from Mount Mario.

- But that's a neighborhood. - And so? Whatever. It's still very high.

Be careful, they are asleep.

I love it! Madness and adventure are part of our lives now!

Come on.

So, there's a cabinet on the right.

A yellow envelope…

Here it is!

- What? - That's gross!

- What? - A coquillage!

Whatever. You scared the life out of me! They're just shells all glued together.

- I'm sorry, but I must break it. - Lulù, you're not going to do that.

- I must. - I forbid you to break that coquillage.

Put it down, right now.

Okay.

Oops!

It fell down.

Well, I'm going in. I'll be back as soon as I'm done, okay?

- Are we not coming? - No way.

But we're a team!

Where are you going all alone? You're not made for this city.

I'll take that as a compliment.

You're the only one who could take it that way.

I'll take that as a compliment, too. You know what?

You're going to sit in the front. I'm not your driver!

And you're going to tell me how a butt can fit into a glass.

Listen, if you keep me tied up here, we can't meet up with the Swiss.

Unless he has already left.

Hey! I'm looking for a girl called Tea! Do you know her?

- What? - A girl's waiting for me--

- Fuck off! - Thank you!

I told you. It's too late to become a vegan.

Your brain is long gone. It's screwed. Bye!

I bet you've been pigging out on sausages all morning.

Where do you keep them? In there?

Are they in there? Come on, show them to me.

No! Come on. No! Damn it!

Come on!

I'm sure you keep a charcuterie board in there.

Come on.

You're shy, how cute! Poor thing. How cute.

Come on! Damn it.

Oh, I'm sorry, miss!

- Let go! You're hurting me! - I'm stuck!

You're pulling my hair!

Don't move! Come on, don't be difficult!

Help me! This guy's nuts!

No! Guys, I'm telling you, you're losing a customer!

Here.

Assholes!

Reggi, you're out!

What?

But are you sure they're here?

- This is the impound lot. - If you say so.

Here, keep the change. Enjoy it.

- Enjoy what? You still owe me two euros. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Human beings are mammals. They are split into two types,

the male and the female.

They were both born genetically prone to carry out different tasks.

Honey, where are my underpants?

In the drawer.

The male, for example, seems to be incapable of finding things.

I can't find them.

Goddammit.

But the female steps in promptly.

She's a natural at these things.

Excuse me?

Is anybody in there?

Moreover, the male keeps producing belly button lint.

He saves it for the nest.

In her turn, every 28 days, the female lays an egg.

Hello?

- I'm pushy, huh? - Hello!

As always, your uncle is crushing it.

If this continues, we're leaving early.

How is it going?

I don't think "menfio" is a word.

BEETLE MENFIO

- What? - Menfio. Menfio. Menfio.

It's what you'd call a poor guy who thinks highly of himself.

I say it all the time.

"He's a menfio!" Am I right, Amedeo?

Sure, he keeps calling me that anyway.

Enough.

- Are they being good? - Sure, they're so sweet!

Even Lulù?

The good old Lulù. She's a real star--

- Linda went to bed, right? - Hours and hours ago.

Good. See you in a bit.

Yeah, but don't rush. Have fun. Tonight's your night!

I met your granddad in a car like that. It was the summer of '67.

In Ventimiglia. Or maybe we were in Battipaglia?

- I thought you two met on a ski holiday. - Oh, God, you're right!

It wasn't him then. What a summer, though!

Wait.

What do we have here? It's a sandwich!

It's with baby artichokes. I love them.

Pasta is no fun for me! Don't you agree?

I love pasta.

I could live on sandwiches and tartlets alone.

Hi!

- Finally! Where have you been? - Me?

- We were caught by a tow truck. - You were caught, huh?

We had such a horrible experience!

Lulù, I was there. You didn't lift a finger.

I wasn't born yesterday!

Is that a handbag?

- How cute! - It's Tea's.

Never mind. It would be pointless asking you where our car is, right?

Area D, row 16. Over there.

On the other hand, the female is like a walking box,

waiting to be filled.

That's why her doors are always open.

After spring, when larvae are hatching, the cycle starts all over again.

Keep it down!

- So? - It's closed!

- What? - It's all shut.

I can't believe it, it's so early! We're in Rome!

Keep it down. Wait.

"I'm in danger. Bring me the envelope."

I didn't do it. What if they killed her?

They didn't. You wanted to do it all alone.

My head's spinning, my stomach hurts. Give me some drugs, or a bucket!

You're as white as mayo.

- Why don't you call her? - I tried to, but her phone's off!

So, where are we going now?

I don't know where I'm going, but you're going home. No more trouble.

Are you nuts? What about Tea? Are you turning your back on her?

- Give it to me! - What do you want from me?

- Clues. We're looking for clues. - What are you doing, Lulù? Let's go home.

When Linda's parents are back, I'll go find Tea.

The tiniest detail is enough for me to understand what happened.

Last year, I dated a KGB agent.

- The KGB was dissolved 30 years ago. - That's what they want you to think.

Hair spray. How gross. Nobody uses it anymore.

It makes your hair look fake.

- What the hell? - Here it is!

Restaurant O' Vesuvio, The Rude Brothers.

Let's go check it out!

In the worst case, if we can't find Tea… Bon appétit!

Seventeen, bad luck.

Fifty-four, the hat.

O' VESUVIO THE RUDE BROTHERS

Fifty-two, the mom.

Shake up that basket.

- Come on. - Sixty-six, the two maids.

The two maids. Boy!

- Twenty-three, the fool. - That's your number.

Excuse me? Are you the Rude Brothers?

- How dare you? - Mom, it's our surname.

Oh, right.

The buffet is over. Did you forget anything?

Are you playing the Neapolitan tombola? I love it!

- Anything to drink? - A shot of lemon liqueur, thanks.

- She'll get a tonic water. Right, monkey? - Listen, I'm looking for someone.

But I don't know what to do anymore. You might help me, though. Her name's Tea.

Thirty-four, the head.

- Nice to meet you. I'm Martino. - Martino.

- Do you know her? Is she your girlfriend? - Well, "girlfriend" is--

We've been looking for her for months. We thought something bad happened.

Don't worry, she's fine. I was going to meet her at Mamunia.

Wait, let me guess. She didn't show up.

If I were you, I'd go nuts. She's like an illusionist.

You've almost caught her, and then puff, she's gone.

Anyway, no worries. You can pay off her debt.

- Excuse me? - You can pay us.

Eighty-eight, the cheese.

- That's me! - What a great start!

- Are you guys from Naples? - Of course.

That's weird. You speak like those who come from the outskirts.

Tea owes us a bunch of money.

If she's your girlfriend, and she owes us money,

then you owe us money too.

- Well said. - What? Come on, we're good people.

You know, my uncle always says that a money debt is not a real debt.

- Fifty, the bread. - Come on, Martino, don't spoil the party.

Give them that envelope.

Which envelope?

No, she's talking nonsense. She's having a sugar spike.

And congratulations on your restaurant.

It's so bizarre. We'll definitely come back.

But we really must go now.

If I'd known that, I'd have beaten the shit outta you!

- What? - What was that?

I'm gonna beat the shit outta you. Got it?

Please, don't do that.

- You want the envelope, right? Here. - Good boy.

That threat always works.

Forty-eight, the talking dead.

"Smack from Cervia."

What's this junk?

I love Cervia.

And the sea… Actually, the entire coastline.

Martino, I have some news for you. I don't like you. You're annoying.

That makes sense, it takes time to like me--

- I'm gonna kill him. - Don't be like that.

You're always thinking about money.

…the amazement.

He's like a shark that's following the smell of…

What do sharks smell?

- Blood. - Blood.

You're obsessed with it. Let's get back to business.

Let's talk about hair.

About your hair.

You have nice hair. Do you know that, Martino?

Seventy-three, the hospital.

I'm a mess. I'm doomed. Look.

Do you use a blow dryer?

Do you use a blow dryer?

- He does. - Shut up.

If you listen to me, your hair will grow thick and shiny.

You could show off your new hair everywhere.

And I don't mean at Christmas, with your family,

but at meetings, university conferences, or on TV.

TV is so close to my heart.

Excuse me, who are you? Are you a scientist?

- Thirty-nine, the hanged man. - That's me!

Ma'am, is he a real scientist?

- A Swiss one. - He's so charming.

- Gosh! - He still hasn’t paid us!

Again? You only care about money!

Excuse him, he's jealous. He has no chance of growing it back.

- So, get the yolk of an egg. - Okay.

Add some nourishing rapeseed oil to it.

And-- Are you going to take notes, or--

He's right. We have the chance to talk to a scientist. So, take notes.

Excuse us. Rapeseed oil and…

- A shot of liquor and some mustard. - So, rabbit oil, licorice, mustache…

And some cottage cheese.

- How much? - Fifty grams.

- Anything else? - No, thanks.

You rub it vigorously, wrap it all up, and leave it on for 30 minutes.

- Does it work? - You tell me!

Seventy-one, the asshole.

He's right, though. It takes time to like him.

I like you. Martino, you're a great scientist.

Let me give you a hug. I truly admire you.

What's going on here? Where's Linda?

Sixty-three, the bride.

Hello!

Thirty-eight, the punch.

Are you nuts? He has nothing to do with it!

Excuse me.

- Hey, how are you? Are you okay? - I'm fine, really.

What do you want? Do you want money? Take it!

Come here.

- Come here, sit down. - Don't worry, my other eye is fine.

Let me see.

Poor Martino. You're so dear to me.

You're the first person who truly cares about me.

- Really? - I truly appreciate it.

Oh, Tea…

I was so hurt for such a long time.

I was in love with you without knowing it.

I kept looking for something, while riding buses, listening to songs…

inside my lab worms.

Deep down, I was always looking for you.

I realized it when I saw you.

I told myself that a crush couldn't last for 20 years, right?

You're right.

And you're so…

beautiful.

I'm going to sit on your lap.

- Is that okay? - Yes, thank you.

It's nice, I must admit that, but…

Tea?

They're staring at us.

Tea?

What are you doing to me? Who are you?

I'm trying to break free. Can you help me out here?

Oh, okay.

- I'm Gaia. - She's this monkey's babysitter.

- What is she doing here? - I called her.

You looked pretty helpless, so I thought it was a good idea.

- A great idea. - And I rushed here to save you! So?

To save us? Can't you see where we are?

- You made a real mess. - Me? You made it. Actually, he made it.

How nice of you. Are you friends with her?

We ended up here because you were running after a girl.

"A girl"? Tea's a dear friend of mine. I came here to give her a hand.

- Only one. - Don't worry.

Gaia has been taking it out on everyone lately.

- Her boyfriend dumped her. - Actually, he asked me to marry him.

And you said no, so he dumped you. That's it!

Two hours later, he'd already found a hot Spanish girl.

Olé.

You're angry with me because of what I said to your daughter.

Come on!

Anyway, you played dirty.

You let her drink a shot.

- It was a big glass. So great. - You were drunk.

Well, she has no enzymes.

If she doesn't drink, she'll never develop them!

I don't want to barge in on your family arguments,

but if we don't hurry up,

you'll keep arguing in a refrigerating cell forever.

Let's get up on my three.

- No, wait! - Come on, you too! Let's try!

- One, two… - Come on.

- Yes. We're almost there. - Come on.

- Help me out! - Good! We're great. Yeah.

Wait, let's try it this way.

- Ouch! Are you nuts? - I'm sorry.

- Sorry, it's just that I am a bit… - Wait, let me think.

We're in a restaurant cellar, right? It's a public establishment.

There must be an emergency door somewhere.

- Let's try down there. - Okay, but be careful.

- Like this? Yes. Very good. - Here we go.

- Yes. Very good. - Are you not ashamed of yourselves?

Do we have an emergency door?

God, we're safe.

Are they following us?

- No. - Let's go get some pastries!

- Yes! - No way.

I want a savory one!

Calm down! What are you talking about? I must find Tea!

And savory pastries are not a thing.

- But I need to pee. - God!

What a night. What a surreal experience.

Gaia is right on this one.

I bet no one has ever lived anything like this before!

- Thank God we managed to break free. - Yeah, but tonight really sucked.

Let's go get some sandwiches!

- What? I must find Lea. - I need to poop.

ZEALOUS

- "Zealous"? - What?

Yeah. Zealous.

I'm afraid that doesn't count, because it's spelled Z-E-A-L-U-O-U-S.

- It comes from Latin. - Can we use Latin words?

Gosh, no! We said no English, Latin, or Greek words.

Captain Cafiero has spoken.

You translate from Russian. That's interesting.

Only a few people can speak Russian. Is it a family thing, or what?

Yes, it is. Mom's called Ruslana, and Dad's called Russell.

- That's a good one. - Translators have a sense of humor.

- It's her hobbyhorse. She always says it. - Shut up! Focus and try to pee.

But he's looking at me.

That's impossible. I stopped doing that after a nun, at a rest stop--

You should make her close her eyes and cover her ears.

It's an old technique from the '80s, but it's always effective.

I beg your pardon. It's late. How rude of me. I'm Renato.

I'm Martino.

You might have recognized me.

I'm the last New Romantic singer, or that's what the press calls me.

I mean, I'm the last time-wise.

It's funny, because I've always been fond of that movement. I feel connected to it.

Listen, I'm here to ask you for a favor.

Yeah, I saw your car.

Could you please give me a ride to the Tabasco Club?

I'm performing tonight.

Well, it's not the right time. She's trying to do her business.

Oops. Pardon, lady.

By the way, you'd be my guests. Ça va sans dire.

Damn it. You see…

I'm sure that you're a special guy, and a great singer too. Seriously!

But, unfortunately, we shouldn't even be here.

Okay, forget it. Everyone has their own battles.

- Go crush it! - Au revoir!

Eyes and ears, huh?

Let's give it a try. Come here, Martino. Stand behind her and cover her ears.

- Like this? - Good. Linda, focus. Close your eyes.

- Martino, you too. - What?

- He should close his eyes. - They're tightly shut.

Are we ready?

One, two, three, go!

He kidnapped her. He was a fake New Romantic singer.

He was wearing blush and shoulder pads.

Only you could fall for a contemporary New Romantic.

- But I'm sure the kidnapper is Lulù. - Fuck!

- He said "fuck." - What am I doing here?

I should be hugging Tea on a couch, but I'm here with you two instead.

Are you taking it out on us?

No, I'm angry with you! Why couldn't you babysit her tonight?

Why do you think I'm wearing a uniform? It's not for a manga meetup.

Well, you look like a cartoon character with those bulging eyes.

What? How dare you! My eyes are beautiful.

- Listen, I'm calling the authorities. - You can't.

- I'm calling the police then. - It's the same!

They'd call her parents immediately.

What should we tell them? That we got ourselves into trouble

because we wanted to hug Tea on a couch?

- Do you think so? - I never stop thinking.

You should try to think sometimes.

Let's go, I've had enough with this bullshit.

- You said "bullshit." - Hey, wait! Do this.

- Why? - Do it.

- What's that? I'm not doing it! - It's to know if you're having a stroke.

Where are you going? It's a rough area.

I'm calling a taxi, because Lulù stole our car.

- Shit. - He said "shit."

Yes, Linda, I admit it. I said "shit."

- And I'm about to say something worse. - Like?

- Fu-- - Whatever.

Let's go, Linda.

Won't they be mad at us?

- Who? - The guys with that kid.

- I thought you knew them. - I don't know them!

- No. Is this the right road? - Yes, take the next one on the right.

But let's get back to us. So, you met him. What kind of man was he?

- Who? Frank Sinatra? - Yes.

I'd say he was greedy.

- Greedy? - Yeah.

- And Mick Jagger? - He's a great artist.

But he has no calves. Well, he's all bones right up to his knee.

- It's a nightmare. - Like Barbra Streisand.

Huh?

She didn't use to have such a big nose. She got a nose job.

- Really? - She used to have a tiny turned-up nose.

But, after all,

she was only one step away from perfection.

- I have some gin in my handbag. - Okay.

And what about George Harrison?

He was so loud.

I've always thought the same thing.

Why me? I never got into trouble, or took an aspirin on an empty stomach.

It's happening all at once.

SUPERMARKET

- You blew it up. Admit it. - And so what?

My uncle always says, "Despise a mistake, understand who's mistaken."

- Whatever. - No, it's a life philosophy!

Understanding over blaming the first ass-- blaming a random guy.

Civilization. That sanitizer smell.

- Is anybody here? Hello? Where's everyone? - Maybe we've been invaded by the aliens.

Mario? We need urgent help at cash register number four, thanks.

Maybe his name is not Mario.

If we were the last people on Earth, what would you do?

- I'd eat all the food. - Let's go!

- Martino? - Yes?

You dropped something.

Oh, God. I'm sorry. I didn't--

- I didn't do it on purpose. - What? I didn't--

Do you need a trumpet? Do you want to check--

How funny.

He pretended he hadn't heard it! How polite of you, Martino!

- Mario's here. - Who?

Mario's here.

- Ninety-two euros and ninety cents. - Ninety-two?

I could have taken over the entire company.

Where's the telephone? I want to book a taxi.

No. No telephone.

We're getting this too. There's a telephone booth outside.

Ninety-seven and ninety.

- What's this? Leave it, come on. - No. It's a thing between me and her.

- What's the address of the store? - No. No address.

No, I'll tell you once again. The store is behind you.

You have a '60s style building in front of you.

- It's '50s style. - It's '50s style. Kind of fascist.

- And that's the end. - You've already told me.

There's a huge empty parkway in the middle.

- The streetlights. - With many streetlights.

- I told her. - You didn't.

I need an address.

I would have given it to you, if I'd known it!

Listen, can't you track the location of this phone call?

Good. With a computer.

Yes, with a computer.

Ma'am, we're a taxi service, not the CIA.

Okay, thanks. Goodnight.

We've called five people. They need an address or it's pointless!

Let me try.

Hello.

So, a little man gets out of jail. Okay?

Good heavens! And where's the old lady?

With a singer? That's great. Yes, I got it.

We just finished here. Yeah, sure.

What? I'm going to take care of it.

And the guard replied, "You ass!"

You've always been quite a character, huh?

No one's leaving!

Someone breached the rules!

My dear Mariella, there's a storm brewing.

Someone wrote "action" with two Ns. We must start a new round!

- We're in the middle of nowhere. - Mosquitos are eating me alive.

They're not mosquitos.

They're drosophila melanogaster, or fruit flies.

I used to come here with Grandma to get wine.

That's how you started drinking.

Maybe it was another place.

Listen, with all due respect, I don't think it's the right time

to take a trip down memory--

Look. It's a party. There are some people.

I've never seen them so close. Have you?

Yes, I think I'm made for this city.

What?

Sorry, I was lost in my th-- What were you saying?

- Nothing. - Sometimes the mind goes fast.

- But words travel slower. - Travel slower.

Guys, are you here? Guys?

Honey, stay there! We're coming!

Let's go, before she falls down a well.

Yeah, I mean if she falls down, she can't go anywhere.

What?

No, what I meant to say is that we would find her easily.

Falling down a well is better than falling down a volcano.

- Or-- - Let's go.

Let's go.

Honey, don't slip away. Just in case.

I wanted to leave you two alone.

Thank you, Stellini.

- I shall thank you, my dear brother! - Listen.

Hooray for St. Hilarius!

When the moon will be up in the sky

I will hold you tight to my chest

Hello!

Who are you?

- Who are you? - Me? Everyone knows me!

Everyone and their mother, and don't forget their brother!

I'm the greatest--

Damn it.

Well, I'm the Great Stellini.

- We're lost. - We're looking for a nightclub.

Ting! You're hypnotized.

In your future, I see a super-hot club!

The Tabasco club!

- You got it! - That's our place!

He read our minds.

No, it was an easy one. Everyone is going there tonight.

I'll be performing my magic tricks.

Right, you're a magician! That's why you look so--

Sure! You think I'd leave my house dressed like this?

- Exactly. - Actually, I would.

If I want to, I'll leave my house dressed like this. Ting!

Well done. Mr. Stellini, you must excuse him…

- Did I say something wrong? - You sounded kind of mean.

All right then, follow me.

It's dark, but there's a way through the woods,

which leads to Tabasco. Would you like to explore it?

Did you see it?

Are you a little girl or a dwarf?

- I'm a little girl. - What a pity!

Because my assistant, Alberto, has mumps.

If you'd been a dwarf, you could have stood in for him.

- And worn a wig. It's a pity. - Yeah.

My wife used to be my assistant.

- We're sorry about that. - Accept our condolences.

What? She's not dead.

But now that we're wealthy people, she can stay at home and be a good wife.

- That's even better. - It is! Look. She's stunning.

She's so beautiful! Look at her.

- She is, right? - It's a dark photo.

What? He's just like her.

If I switch the lights off, she gets angry with me.

The other night, I switched them off, and guess what? She was blinded with rage!

And I'm not even trying to be funny! But don't expect me to tell you her story.

- We didn't mean to be nosy. - No worries.

- I'm going to tell it to you! - Yes!

A while ago, I don't exactly know why,

I was sure my wife wanted to cheat on me.

So, an old friend of mine got me a mysterious tool.

A hypnotic spiral.

I started to use it gradually.

She'd look at it and get hypnotized.

I used to say,

"Agata, your magic side is talking to you."

"You're never going to cheat on me, Agata."

I went out that night.

I mean, why sleep? The world is such a beautiful place.

Anyway, I was wandering around, when… boom, crash!

A man in a tuxedo came out of nowhere, saying, "You're the millionth passerby

of this bridge, built by Hannibal in…"

Or was it Hasdrubal? Well, who cares. They're both dead.

They interviewed me, took pictures, and gave me…

TO THE MILLIONTH PASSERBY OF THIS BRIDGE - ONE EURO

…a gigantic check that weighed at least 2.5 kilos.

I was even on the news on TV.

My friends were so impressed. I was their hero that day!

I even got a call from our Mayor, who congratulated me on my success.

It was magical. I'll never forget that moment.

- And then? - What?

How did your story end?

- Right, I almost forgot. It just ended. - Like that?

A corpse once said, "I went to bed and woke up dead."

- What a beautiful ending. - Wait. Your story makes no sense.

You better be thinking about yours.

Guys, here's the shining bright Tabasco!

I'm going to get ready.

The bill's on me. You're my guests!

Go crazy on the drinks! But not on the bill.

Where's Lulù?

I have no idea.

- You stay here. I'm going to the restroom. - Okay.

I have my own theory on this matter.

You are what you look like.

If you look like an asshole, I mean, that's what you are.

Doctors have said it before me.

I mean, you look like a criminal, and what are you actually?

A brilliant scholar? No, you're a criminal.

- Also-- - No, Tea.

You've been such a pain in the ass. My head's about to explode. You know what?

Guys!

Hey, is there a telephone booth here?

Guys, you saved my life. I love you!

You know what? One of these nights, we could go swimming.

I know an amazing place.

We want the money, Tea.

I hate to say my brother's right, but he is.

You disappeared. You never answer your phone.

No! Don't talk to me like that.

By the way, who told you I was at Mamunia?

Your boyfriend.

- Do I have a boyfriend? - He's Swiss.

Oh, Martino.

- What an asshole. He's got the money. - No, he hasn't.

He does, trust me.

Let's do it this way. Call him and ask him to bring the money.

But we took his phone.

By the way, my phone's not working.

That dickhead threw it into a glass of beer.

Sorry, but what's this cheese smell?

Oh! It's a nourishing hair mask. It's 100% natural.

- That scientist told me to try it. - Shut up! It's working.

Martino?

- Did I miss something? - He's a butt drummer. He's so great.

Lulù is not here.

She'll turn up at some point. Let's get some drinks.

- Can we get a strawberry daiquiri? - I'll get a tonic water!

- It's the salty one, right? - No. It's made with strawberry juice.

Hell, yes! Enough with the suffering.

Two strawberry daiquiris and a tonic water, please.

And some snacks.

What a beautiful night. What a beautiful place.

This city is stunning.

Things like this never happen in Switzerland!

Good evening, everyone.

Someone once said that living means coping with nausea and twists of fate.

I don't remember who said that, but they were right.

Twists happen suddenly sometimes.

That's why I associate them with fate.

It's simply because the word "fate" reminds us of…

faith.

Meeting you was fate

Because you are just like me

It was fate

Good morning, how are you?

What are you up to?

I don't know, I'm with you

I was there, sitting at the bar

Minding my own business

With my cup of coffee

But I couldn't drink it

When you asked me

If I wanted some sugar or not

There you were

You introduced yourself, I mean

You're perfect for me

Meeting you was fate

Because you are just like me

It was fate What are we up to tomorrow?

I don't know

Me neither, we'll see

I was there, sitting at the bar

Minding my own business

With my cup of coffee

But I couldn't drink it

When you asked me

If I wanted some sugar or not

There you were

You introduced yourself, I mean--

Go, Stellini, it's your turn. Guys, I want you out!

All the spice! London, Paris, Toronto. If my trick's fail, I'll have to pay.

Boas do crawl, cannon ladies don't fall, and this cloth will turn into a moth!

- Damn it. - Buzz off!

Lulù.

- Drink some. - Guys, let me do my job.

Did she pass out?

- Have you called the police? - What? Why the police?

London, Paris, Toronto. If my trick's fail, I'll have to pay.

All the spice! London, Paris, Toronto.

I'm on the escalator!

Hey.

- No! - Come on!

Gentlemen, I've already told you! I know nothing!

Come on, spit it out, you clown!

Are you a real magician?

No, I just go around dressed like this.

Actually, yes. I go around dressed like this.

If you're a magician, find them using your third eye!

Aw, look at that muzzle!

Is it a magic rabbit?

Yes, he's Gaspare. He has telepathic powers.

Why are you touching his ears?

I told you!

Listen to me, Stellini. Don't be a hero. Just speak.

- So? - Okay.

- I'm going to find things out for you. - Good.

Of course, we all know I have to go through the fifth dimension.

- I can't do it. - He can't do it. Why not?

I can't do it! I need to use a tool that's here behind me.

- Can I turn and get it? - Please.

Here we are. I'm setting it up.

It's all--

It's spinning, the ship's wheel is spinning,

and nobody can stop it--

What are you doing? That's embarrassing.

Do you think we are rubes?

Yuck.

The ship's wheel. No one can stop it.

Peekaboo! You think you're a magician.

You thought you could hypnotize people just like that, you thought--

- Hey! Tonino! - What, Vincenzo?

It works.

Well, you must believe in it. It's all an illusion.

Really? Do you believe in this thing? Place your ha on the ta!

- Place what? - Your ha on the ta!

- My ham? - Your ha--

- Your hand on the table! - No.

- Then-- - I'm actually having a vision!

I see a blonde lady.

- I see a blonde lady. - She's blonde, we got it. Go ahead.

She's French. She passed out.

Let's go to the emergency room!

Go ahead.

Oh, you're here. You didn't have to come, you know.

How are you feeling?

Well, I'm a bit all over the place.

What did the doctor say? Am I going to die tonight?

No, you just passed out. It can happen, you know.

One time, I went to a party, and had too many fries.

Then, I went to play table tennis, had a thermic shock and,

well, yeah, I passed out.

It never happened to me. I've never passed out before.

But you're a strong woman.

I'm good at selling lies, huh?

I'm such a loud person. You know, the music, the toasts,

the charm, whatever. It's all bullshit.

Whenever I had to deal with serious stuff in my life…

I ran away.

You know what? It's a good thing that I've passed out.

At some point, we need a pause, right? Yeah.

Or else, we keep moving and running at full speed, like horses.

And now, I need to rest a bit.

Come on, you guys go home.

- I can take them home, and then come back. - No. Thank you, baby.

You can't go anywhere with that black eye.

Go home.

What are you doing? Wait! Stop!

- Stop! - Let's go for a ride.

Careful! You see, I have a lazy collarbone.

- I have a lazy collarbone! - Let's go!

Guys, let's calm down.

Can I say something? We have nothing to do with this.

Why did you run away then?

You know, when I'm all tied up, I tend to loosen up and break free.

- Typical me. - It's time for a makeover.

Listen, I really like you. You're sweet. I love your people.

The thing is that Tea has something that belongs to you, but we don't have it.

Ta-da! The magic is done.

- Tea, how are you? - Well, what do you think?

Look at him. Blessed among women.

My aunt used to say

that a blind man lives well with his dog and his cane.

He even wears sunglasses. But he still steps on shit.

It's an interesting concept. Very graphic.

Enough with this bullshit. Give them the money.

What money? Please, not you too.

Listen, you might think they want to play, but those are real hammers.

Give them the envelope you got for me!

I gave it to them, am I right? But it was full of postcards.

- Postcards? - "Smack from Cervia."

He got the wrong one!

Sorry, I didn't know he was such an idiot.

- He's a real dummy, a complete loser. - Hey, I only--

Listen.

When you called me from that club, I still believed in you, but now--

You didn't go to the restroom. You called her behind my back.

- You're a wretch. - Well, a wretch--

That's why you came back all cocky. "I love this place and these snacks!"

- I really loved those snacks. - So? Give us the money!

How much is it? Eight thousand euros?

- Eight hundred. - Eight hundred thousand?

- Eight hundred euros! - Eight hundred euros!

We can sort it all out then!

So, I have 50 euros with me. And you, Gaia?

- Twenty euros. - And that's 70 euros. Tea?

- One euro and seventy cents. - Great, and that's 71.70 euros in total.

If you want, I can withdraw 100 euros from an ATM.

I still haven't turned off parental controls on my credit card.

You're insulting me, Martino.

No!

- No! - No! Wait! Stop!

No!

Take it, it's yours.

You know, it's a Belpit gold watch. It's from the '30s.

My grandfather got it from… Who cares.

Who do you think we are?

My grandfather was gifted a Bel-- Benefit too.

A gold one. He got one.

I mean, he got one just like this.

I don't know. I can feel my hair is growing.

My hair bulbs… But let's not talk about it.

I want to keep this emotion to myself. You're a great scientist.

You're charming, Martino.

Tea, your boyfriend is cheating on you with that tennis player.

Start the car!

Benefit!

Benefit!

I mean, what a story, huh?

You gave them your watch. How cool was that? So clever.

I remember you. We went to the Manzoni school together--

Manzoni?

Yeah, it was our school.

No, it's not Manzoni. It's Minzoni. I went to the Minzoni kindergarten.

Sorry, but after all this mess, you don't even know each other?

- I believe this is yours. - Thanks.

Anyway, Manzoni, Minzoni, Manzotti, I mean, who cares, right?

We've already come this far. Would you give me a ride?

Taxi!

Can you lend me some money? I have no cash.

"Call the widow Cincotti on the intercom. She never goes to sleep."

"Doormat, cabinet, yellow envelope. And keep it down."

- Got it, Martino, but-- - Good night!

So…

- Good night. - Night.

Next time, if Cafiero is invited, I'm not going.

And let's not talk about Mariella, his niece.

She's a jinx, a bird of ill omen. I bet she brings bad luck.

Who are they?

We're back.

Hey? Hey?

Lulù says that if a man leaves at dawn without saying goodbye, he's a peanut.

You guys didn't wake me up. I feel dumb.

Well, you looked quite dumb while you were asleep.

- And Tea? - She wasn't Tea.

Oh. Who was she, then?

To be honest with you, I have no idea.

And Gaia?

- What about her? - Well, I was just asking.

It's interesting, because I was thinking about her too.

I think I screwed it all up. I mean, with Gaia.

She followed me around all night. It was so nice of her.

She's funny.

You see, what's so special about her is that she's funny without even trying.

I mean, she's funny without knowing it, which is funny enough on its own.

Well, just a bit.

And I didn't say a word.

But this time, I felt like I had to say something.

I don't know. How… how old are you, maybe?

I could have said something. How… many square meters…

I should have asked her out for breakfast.

What do you say? Hey?

So?

TO CARLO MAZZACURATI AND PAOLO POLI

Subtitle translation by Noemi Zucca