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Ladies and gentlemen,
get loud.

Make some noise
for the hilarious

Abhay Nadkarni!

What's up, everyone?

Thank you for coming
to the show.

Yeah.

I'm just happy
to see you all in person

because anytime there's
a group of people indoors,

I'm always very grateful.

Because for the longest time,

I was running a bunch
of outdoor comedy shows,

and they all sucked.

Because it's very stressful
to put those shows together.

Like, you have to get a venue,
you have to get electricity,

you have to get
propane tanks for heat.

At one point,
I was driving around

with six propane tanks
in my Honda CR-V,

looking like this.

Just hoping
I don't get pulled over,

because there's gonna be
many questions.

Like, "What are you doing
with six propane tanks?"

"It's for a comedy show."

"Where is it happening?"

"It's a secret location."

"Why is it a secret location?"

"We want to pack in as many
people as possible."

Maximize our impact, you know.

"We ran Facebook ads
for this campaign."

It doesn't help
that I look this way.

I grew this beard to find out
who my real friends are.

Because people's comments
change every week

when you grow facial hair
as a brown guy.

The first week,
they're very excited.

And they're like,
"I like this stubble look.
Very nice."

And then two weeks in,
"I like this rugged look.
Looking zaddy."

And then three months into it,
they're like,

"Uh, whose side are you on?

"Are you with us or against us?

"What is your plan?"

It's like, "I don't know.
I'm driving around

"with six propane tanks
in my car.

"Anything could happen."

They say beards make you
look suspicious.

I think it's complete bullshit.

I think beards keep you honest.

Because this is
a walking forensic lab.

Beard trap all kinds of smells.

People, if you think your man
is cheating on you,

make him grow a beard.

Then you can sniff his chin
for evidence.

I did this joke a few weeks ago,
this woman got very offended.

She's like, "My husband
can't grow a beard."

And I was like,
"Yeah, he's cheating on you."

Grow a beard,
fix your life, you know.

That's my motto.

But whatever you do,
make sure that

if you do grow a beard,

if you go to a barber,
make sure that he has a mustache

that is not skinnier than yours.

Because in my case,
I had a barber that,

you know, had a skinnier
mustache than mine.

I went to this guy,
and then he shaved
on my mustache

and made me look
like El Chapo's bodyguard.

I was like, "This is awful.

"You gotta take care of that."

They don't talk
about man grooming

when you grow up
in an Indian household

because, you know,
that's not our forte.

Like, I had a unibrow
till I was 24.

And one of my friends
pulled me aside and told me,

"Listen, man, you need
to take care of that

"if you want to get
some action."

Got rid of it.
Next thing I know,

I was hooking up
with a co-worker.

And I was like,
"Wow, that's the power
of two eyebrows.

"Incredible."

This isn't a good look
for the ocean, though.

I'm a choking hazard
for sharks because...

...if a shark bites off my head,
they'd be like,

"This is bad
for the environment.

"Indian men and plastic bottles

"should be away
from the shoreline."

I'm just happy you're all here,
guys, this is great.

Thank you for coming.

Because, you know, I...

I've been here for 18 years,
18 years in America.

Uh, I... Thank you.

Um...

Thank you for
letting me stay. Um...

But I do have some notes.

You know, getting into America
is very difficult

if you're from India.

You know, getting into
America is like

getting into the best
strip club.

Because there's long lines
of people waiting to get in.

And once you're inside,
you're like,

"Wow, this place
is a fucking rip-off.

"But I'm going to stay
as long as I can.

"I want to see what happens
to my bank accounts."

I once went to a strip club
with a lesbian comedian,

and I was exposed to
a whole level of catcalling

that I haven't heard before,

and she was very aggressive
with all the performers.

We were eventually kicked out

because she showed signs
of toxic masculinity.

I was just there for the buffet.

But it takes time
to get adjusted to life here

because, you know,
they don't tell you

about the crazy side
of this country

when you move here.

I used to live
in Downtown Los Angeles.

I came here for grad school.

And they don't tell you
about the gangs of Los Angeles

in the "Come to America"
brochure.

You know, there's the Crips
and the Bloods, right?

The Crips wear blue,
the Bloods wear red.

I was very naive.
I thought they were Democrats
and Republicans.

They were taking the politics
a little too seriously

outside a Taco Bell at 2:00 a.m.

And slowly, things didn't
make sense.

"Why are these Democrats
carrying guns?

"And why are there so many
black people
that are Republican?

"This is...

"This is very confusing."

And me, like an idiot,
I go up to them,

I was like,
"Hey, guys, don't fight.

"Go vote."

I was robbed. Um...

I went back home thinking,

"These politicians
are all the same."

But I didn't lose much money

because I gave them
Indian currency, you know.

Indian currency has
the face of Gandhi on it.

So somewhere in the gangs
of Los Angeles,

someone's making eye contact
with Gandhi right there.

You have to adjust
to the gun culture here

because we don't have
a lot of guns in India.

Like, the rank-and-file
cops in India,

they don't have guns.

They just carry sticks
that they beat people up with.

It's not even a baton.

It's just a branch
they tore off a tree.

And then I moved here
and found out that

one of my roommates had a gun,

and he told me
after he signed the lease.

And I was like,
"Oh, no, I should have
brought more sticks.

"I should have come prepared
for this situation."

He moves in,
and then a few weeks go by,

and then I find out
he's got a peanut allergy.

I was like, "Aha."

I kept leaving peanuts
all over the living room.

And he was like,
"What the fuck is this?

I was like,
"This is self-defense."

He's dead now. Um...

But yeah, it takes time
to get adjusted to life here.

Because, you know, like,

this whole ghosting phenomena
is very foreign to me.

You know, like, in my family,
if you don't respond

to a text message within a day,
we assume the worst.

We assume that you're either
kidnapped or you're dead.

Okay? It's very extreme.

I took that same thinking here
and I go out on dates,

and these women wouldn't respond
for second dates.

And I was like,
"Damn, this country
is so unsafe."

It's like all these women
keep disappearing.

Every day it seems
like a Law & Order episode.

And I bumped into
one of them a few weeks ago.

I was like, "I thought
you were dead."

And she was like,
"Please leave me alone."

Because I'm a direct person.
I say what's on my mind.

I don't like
passive-aggressive behavior.

Like, my neighbors keep leaving
these Post-it notes

outside my apartment.

One of my neighbors
left a note saying,

"Apartment 1, keep it down.
"Signed, apartment 4."

And the whole note
was in all caps.

So I replied,
"Hey, guys, thanks.

"But why are you yelling?"

And they replied,
"Don't be a dick.

"Signed, apartment 4."

And then I took that note
and put it on apartment 3...

...which is
where my landlord
lives, so, uh...

Apartment 4 is now
vacant, guys. You can...

You can move in.

But this is cool, man.

I've been in San Francisco
for 12 years.

I like living in this city, man.
It's great.

But you need to really
prepare people

to come to San Francisco,

especially if those people
happen to be

your conservative relatives
visiting you from India

during the Pride Parade.

Because they don't know
what to expect, right?

We saw a guy dragging
another guy on a leash.

They're wearing crotchless
leather pants.

And my uncle just goes, "Hmm.

"The weather's nice today."

It's like, the weather
is always good here, man.

There's too much waste
in San Francisco, man.

There's, like, all these
self-driving cars,

and it's very annoying.

Because they drive
really slowly,

and I get really frustrated,
because I grew up in India.

That's how... We just like
overtaking people.

That's just how we drive.

I got so frustrated
with this self-driving car

because it was driving
so slowly,

and I yelled at
a self-driving car.

And then I saw my reflection,

I was like,
"Oh, no, I'm the problem."

Yelling at a self-driving car
is like yelling
at your thoughts, you know.

It doesn't make any sense.

AI is going to
take away all the jobs.

That's what
they're saying, right?

AI is going to
take away all the jobs.

But the one job
AI can never take away

is the job of
a stand-up comedian.

Because AI has
more self-respect.

You'll never see AI doing that.

Been here for a while.

And here's the thing
about San Francisco
that I do like

is I like exploring
the Tenderloin.

Yeah, it's the only neighborhood
in San Francisco

where you have to jaywalk
to feel safe.

I was like,
"I'm gonna cross the street

"and take my chances
with oncoming traffic...

"...because that seems
like a safer option."

But people here in San Francisco
are very friendly.

They're very, like, open-minded
and, you know...

I was walking down the street
to the show,

and this guy yelled at me,

"Oh, look, Brown Jesus."

And I was like,
"Oh, you mean Jesus?"

And then I told him
the rapture is coming.

And that's how you deal
with a Jehovah's Witness.

I grew up Hindu, by the way.
I grew up Hindu,

and I'm an atheist now,

so that means
I'm very confused...

...is what my lawyer
told me to say because...

Because he's an agnost.
He doesn't give a crap.

Yeah, I've changed a lot
after moving here, man.

I've been in California
for so long

that my whole outlook
in life has changed.

I've become very progressive
after living here for this long,

but it backfires very quickly
when I travel back to India.

Like, the last time
I went to India,

I realized I've become
so progressive

that Indian swear words
now have no effect on me.

I was driving in India,
I cut someone off in traffic,

and the guy yelled
at me in Hindi,

"Behen ke lauda,"

which translates to
"sister's dick."

And I was like,
"That is so progressive.

"This rickshaw guy
is an activist.

"We need to celebrate
his cause."

Or their cause.
I don't know. It's...

You have to get
people's pronouns right.
That's, uh...

That's a first-world problem
you've to adjust to.

Because we don't have
such issues in India.

We've got bigger
fish to fry, you know.

Like, uh, electricity.

India is amazing.
If you haven't been there,
you must go,

because technology
is used so well over there.

Like, Uber works
very differently in India

because the drivers
have a lot of confidence

that they can beat the GPS.

It was going to take us
an hour and 45 minutes

to get to the airport,

but the driver of the cab said,

"Don't worry, sir,
we'll get there in 10 minutes."

I was like, "How can you
beat Google, man?"

The guy shuts off the GPS,
goes off the divider

onto the other side
of the road...

...drives against traffic,

and we made it in seven minutes.

I got to the airport
and found out

that my flight was delayed
by seven hours.

Google rigged the system, man.

Got back into San Francisco

and found out that
my car got broken into...

because I'm a local, you know.

My car got broken into,

and the guy stole
a bunch of books.

Yeah. I was like,
"Who is this thief...

"...that's a voracious reader?"

And one of the books
that was stolen

was The 7 Habits
of Highly Effective People.

Because I guess self-improvement
applies to all professions.

I think this guy is getting
a false sense of confidence.

He's just reading
this book, going,

"Hmm. Seven habits
of highly effective people.

"First habit: be proactive.

"Be proactive?
I just stole this book.

"That's pretty proactive."

"Second habit: communicate,
collaborate, teamwork.

"Teamwork? I already
have a gang.

"Third habit..."

Hey, sorry, guys.
That joke is not complete

because I still haven't
finished the book.

It's...

It's a work in progress,
you know.

Because I'm a lazy person,
you know.

Any lazy people in the audience?
Make some noise.

The rest of you not clapping,
also lazy. You're part...

You're not better than us.

They say evolution
is the survival
of the fittest, right?

I think it's bullshit.

I think evolution is
the survival of the chillest.

Because at some point in time,

there must have been
a lazy hunter

who couldn't keep up
with the fit hunters,

and he stayed back in the cave
and fucked all the gatherers.

And here we are today,
guys, that is...

...Evolution 101.

I told this to a friend of mine.

He's like, "Did you do
any research on this?

I was like, "I was too lazy
to do the research...

"...thereby proving my point,
you know."

I don't like my phone
because it gives me

a lot of useless information.

I found out that I gained
a bunch of weight

because my face ID
on my phone stopped working.

I was like, "That's a subtle
fat-shame filter, Apple."

I asked my friend at Apple,
"What's the deal?"

He's like,
"Man, it's not the beard.

"Your face is blubber.
Hit the gym," you know.

So I got this smartwatch.

Highly recommend
getting a smartwatch

because it tracks your steps,
also tracks your sleep,

and it gives you points
for both.

I've been using this
for the last few months,
and it turns out,

I've been sleeping
more than I've been walking.

And Apple's like,
"You're crushing it."

I was like, "Thanks, Apple.
You're such a good
workout buddy."

Because sleep, food and sex,
that's the trifecta of pleasure.

I think sleep wins
over food and sex

because it's free.

Food and sex, so expensive.

And when you have good food
or good sex,

you get better sleep,
so sleep always wins.

I told this to a friend of mine.

He's like, "Hey, man, I think
you might be depressed."

I was like, "You're just jealous
because you don't sleep well.

"Figure it out, man."

Every year, at the beginning
of the year,

I buy clothes
that are one size smaller

to motivate myself
to go to the gym.

And at the end of the year,
I check my progress

and donate all those
clothes because...

...getting a tax benefit
feels so much better

than a runner's high, you know.

It's the exact same feeling.

Losing weight
is really difficult.

Like, losing weight
is like starting a fight

between muscle and fat.

Because muscle's like a rebel
and fat's like the Mafia.

Because it's impossible
to get rid of

and it always ends up
winning the battle, right?

I think if muscles could talk,
they'd sound like

that British action hero,
Jason Statham.

Any time there's a showdown
between muscle and fat,

muscles would just be like,

"I thought
I saw you yesterday...

"...and I thought
I told you to piss off.

"I'm gonna count to three,

and if you're not
burnt up by that time,

"there's gonna be a lot of pain.

"One, two, three."

And that's when I get a cramp.

And that's when I give up.

I've been trying
to get fit, though.

I've been trying to get fit.

And I went to my doctor
to get an MRI scan,

and here's the thing.

It took five months
for my doctor to tell me

that I don't qualify
for an MRI scan.

I was like, "Screw this,
I'm just gonna

fly back to India,
get the scan there."

You can get an MRI scan
in India for 90 bucks,

no questions asked. All right?

I get the scan, show it
to my doctor over here.

He's like,
"Whoa, that's impressive.

"Maybe I should go to India
for my medical checkups."

I was so kicked about
this workaround, right?

And then three days later,
I find out

the MRI scan was someone else's.

Apparently, I have the lumbar
of a 12-year-old boy.

And somewhere in India
is a kid running around

with an MRI of a comedian
in San Francisco...

...with a prolapsed disk,
you know.

I've reached
that age in life now

where my back has
an HR department, you know.

It tells me what I can
and cannot do, you know.

It's almost like
I have to go through

harassment training
to not harass my sciatica.

After moving here,
I found out that I have ADHD.

I was diagnosed for ADHD.

Because they don't diagnose
ADHD in India.

They just call you a dumbass.

Because when you tell people
you have ADHD in India,

they're like,
"Oh, just try and concentrate,
figure it out."

So they don't diagnose
you for that.

When I was growing up,
they didn't have that, you know.

And then I moved here,
got on Adderall, and I was like,

"Wow, what a great country."

That should be America's slogan.
"Take drugs, feel smart."

I got on Adderall,
and here's what happens, right?

Adderall makes you so efficient.

But in my case,
it makes me efficient

in useless activities.

Like, I became
a productivity guru
for laundry.

You know, I...
I became the Einstein
of folding clothes.

And I was on Adderall
for a few months,

and I lost so much weight.

I felt really good.

I was like,
"Oh, what a great drug."

But the problem is
it doesn't help you

organize your life.

It doesn't make you figure out
what's important, right?

So I would color code my socks,

and every time,
I would miss my flight.

"This is not useful," you know.

I would clean up my house,

but almost burn down
the house, you know.

Because the gas is on.

I got so productive,
at one point,

I finished Netflix, you know.

I saw all the
productivity documentaries.

I saw a documentary
about Marie Kondo,

where she teaches people
how to be clean

and stay clean, right?

And, you know, what she does
is she goes to people's closets,

cleans out the closet
and hugs their old clothing

and gives it away.

And I was like,
"That's some psycho shit."

Like, if you saw somebody
in your closet

hugging your old clothes,
you'd be like,

"That is Ted Bundy."

Marie Kondo looks like

the lady from The Ring
just got a makeover.

She's crawling around
people's homes

like a Roomba on meth...

...just eating dirty socks
every day.

I don't like Marie Kondo, man.
She's a psycho.

Don't trust people that always
walk in straight lines.

That's my motto in life.

She's like, always like this,
you know.

So then what happened was,
because of Adderall...

There's a lot of side effects
of Adderall.

You start getting angry
for no reason at all, right?

I was like,
"I'm not a very angry person.

"I'm just going
to switch to weed."

Yeah.

Highly recommend weed

because it cancels
the effect of Adderall,

and you just feel
normal again, right?

Yeah, I feel like they should
legalize weed everywhere.

Not just in California.

You know, like, they should
give weed to kids.

Because they're giving them
Adderall, you know.

They might as well
give them weed

so that they feel normal again.

They should give weed
to politicians.

- Yeah. Yes.
- Yeah.

You know, because
it'll make them high,

they'll eat a bunch of munchies
and they'll go to bed.

Nobody started a war
with a belly full of munchies.

It would be great if Trump
just started getting weed.

Every time, he's just
going to be like...

"This indica is fantastic.

"Kamala Harris
is a wonderful human being.

"We're just gonna
chill and chill out.

"We're just gonna chill."

It'd be great.

He just starts speaking Spanish
to get more votes.

Like, every rally,
he'd just be like,

"Como estas, mi amigos.

"Bienvenidos, mucho gusto.

"Gusto is a good friend
of mine."

Yeah, folks, you just heard
an Indian guy

do a Trump impression
while high, in Spanish.

I'm living the American dream,
you know.

Because I did
that joke in Canada,

and they were like,
"Hey, go back to where
you came from."

So, after I stopped taking weed,

I, uh...

tried psychedelics.

By mistake.

Because you need to travel
to get perspective

You know, like, I went
to Machu Picchu for hiking,

and along the hike,
someone was like,

"Do you want to try
Peruvian chai?"

And I was like, "Yeah, sure,
let's try Peruvian chai."

And they forgot to tell me
that it was ayahuasca.

It's a psychedelic drug
with DMT.

You see all kinds
of weird stuff.

And if you've never been
on ayahuasca,

it unravels your subconscious,

you start seeing a lot of stuff,

and you have
a lot of revelations

when you have ayahuasca.

In my case,
I had the revelation,

after having ayahuasca,

that you can poop and barf
at the same time.

And I was like,
"Oh, everything is connected."

So try ayahuasca
at your own risk.

You should travel, man.
You should travel
to get perspective.

I, um...

I went to Thailand recently
for a friend's wedding.

And Thailand's one
of the few Asian countries

to have never been
invaded by the British.

Because they had an agreement
with the British, saying,

"Hey, don't invade us

"and we'll give you guys
hand jobs for life, so..."

Those massage therapists
are not sex workers.

They're freedom fighters.

Give them the respect
they deserve.

The British, man...

Sneaky motherfuckers.

I took one of my British friends
to this Indian restaurant.

He goes,
"Sorry, not a huge fan

of this whole
spicy food business.

"I prefer sandwiches. Mmm."

And I was like,
"Hey, man, a long time ago,

"a bunch of your people
killed a bunch of my people

"for bags of chilies.

"So we're gonna have
this fucking food.

"And you're gonna pay
for the bill.

"Your diarrhea
is a small price to pay...

"...for colonialism."

Because Indian food
is the BDSM version of food,
you know.

It looks very messy at first,

but when you get into it,
it's very enjoyable.

We have safe words
like "More water."

I used to live
in the Middle East.

I used to live in Qatar.

And I don't tell people that
for obvious reasons.

I have a lot
of Pakistani friends,

growing up in Qatar.

And when you go back to India,
there's always...

There's always this rivalry
that shows up

when you're back in India,

and it's hard for me to adjust
to that level of animosity.

So, you know,
here's what happens.

Like, when you're
an Indian citizen,

and you meet
a Pakistani citizen
here in America,

we just get together
and start restaurants.

And we have to work
with Mexicans

to keep the peace.

Because our differences
dissolve the distance.

You know, like,
that's what happens.

Like, for example,
America and Russia

don't get along on planet Earth,
but for some reason,

they're always hanging out in
the International Space Station.

Because I guess,
when you're in a confined space

with limited air,
people just get along.

It might not look like it,
but I am a programmer
by race, okay?

Didn't have much of a choice.

Because peer pressure
works differently

when you grow up in India.

Like, in most countries,
peer pressure

makes you drink alcohol
or take drugs at a young age.

In India, you just
become an engineer...

...with a drug
and alcohol problem.

I used to program vibrators
for a living.

You're welcome.

Kept a lot of people together
in their relationships.

Worked on something
called the Rabbit.

It was featured
on Sex and the City.

That's my only TV credit.

Worked on something that has
multiple arousal levels.

You can't put that
on your resume.

People will cancel you
immediately.

One of my friends was like,
"Oh, you worked on vibrators.

"That's not a very
Indian thing to do."

I was like,
"Hey, man, I've given people
more orgasms remotely

"than in person.

"That's pretty Indian."

But I had to explain
what I was doing
to my folks in India.

I was like,
"Well, I'm spreading joy. Yes.

"That's what I'm doing."

I like watching documentaries
that have Indian people in it

because I want to see
how we're being represented

in mainstream media.

So I saw this documentary
called Bikram Yoga.

Have you guys seen this?

It's not flattering.

It's about a creepy
yoga instructor.

Here's a tip, guys.

If your yoga instructor
is always wearing Speedos...

...he's gonna show you
his third eye.

Do your research, please,
you know.

Figure it out.

I like watching
reality TV shows.

I saw the show calledNaked and Afraid.

Have you guys seen this?

If you haven't seen it,
I highly recommend skipping it

because...

The premise of the show
is that there are

these two people
that are naked in the jungle

and are trying
to survive in the wild.

I was like,
"This is a bullshit show.

"I'm not going to go
to the jungle anytime soon.

"I need more practical advice.

"I need to know how to survive
a hate crime in the city.

"I need to know
how to be fully clothed
and still alive."

I want to watch a show calledVery Brown and Very Safe.

Like, that is...

...the kind of show
I want to watch.

But the production value
is very low.

No one is making that show.

Any single people
in the audience?
Make some noise.

Single people here?

What about couples?
Couples, make some noise.

What about married people?
Married people,
make some noise. Yeah.

All right, cool.

Oh, one married guy
came alone. That's good.

That's what it does to you, man.
This is good.

I'm actually recently single,

but my ex-girlfriend
still keeps in touch with me

by dating my friends.

It's an amicable breakup.

All my friends are married,

and they keep inviting me
to these house parties.

And I realize very quickly
that I have nothing in common
to share with them

because they've got
real problems.

Like, single people problems
are very trivial

in comparison, right?

They were complaining,
"It's so expensive
to live in the Bay Area.

"Can't buy a house here.

"Can't send our kids
to a good school district.

"What are we gonna do?"

And I was like,
"Hey, guys, I think we've got
bigger problems.

"The chips at this party
are stale.

"The beer is warm and where's
the fucking weed?"

And they were like,
"This is a baby shower.

"What is wrong with you, man?
Get your life together."

Being single in your 30s
is the best time of your life

because you can hook up
with someone in their 40s

or their 20s, and no one cares.

Right? If you're in your 20s

and you hook up with
someone in their 40s,

you've probably got
a drinking problem.

And if you're in your 40s,
and you hook up
with someone in their 20s,

you're in a midlife crisis...

...that is going very well.

That is...

...an excellent
midlife crisis, man.

Anyone in a midlife crisis here,
make some noise?

All right.

One self-aware individual.
This is good.

I think I'm in a midlife crisis

because I'm getting
a bunch of white chest hair.

That's gentrification.

Because it's displacing
a bunch of black hair
on my back.

I was like, "This is not right."

One of my friends
is in a midlife crisis,

and we found out
that he got into a threesome,

and we were super happy for him.

And then he showed us
the people he hooked up with,

and we're like, "Are you okay?"

Because my friend's
a strong five,

but he hooked up
with a three and a one.

I was like, "Bro,

"your collective score
is less than 10."

You can't call it a threesome
if it's less than two digits.

It is wedding season, though.
It's wedding season.

Right? Anyone
getting married soon?

One person. Yeah.

Who are you getting married to?

While he's sitting in the back.

Preparing already. This is...

They say marriage
is an institution.

But an institution
is like a place of learning.

Like university
or college, right?

If they had a university
of marriage

where they taught people
how to be married

and stay married,

no one would go there.

You know,
because the dropout rate
would be, like, 60%.

There wouldn't be
any dropout billionaires,

because even after you leave,
you have to keep paying tuition.

When I do that joke,
single people love it.

There's always that laugh.

Married people
are thinking about it.

I, uh... I like going
to weddings, man.

I went to a bunch
of white weddings

to get a taste of the culture.

And I gotta say,
it's pretty bland.

Once, I went to this one
white wedding

where they had beer
and pizza for dinner,

and I was like, "What kind
of frat party is this?"

Like, "Where are the kebabs,"
you know.

What are you guys doing?

If you've never been
to an Indian wedding,
you must go.

An Indian wedding is amazing,

and the happiest people
at an Indian wedding

are white women.

Notice how quiet it is in here.

White women love Indian weddings

because it's like Eat Pray Love

unraveling itself.

Every Indian wedding
is a spectacle.

Because, you know,
it's like a documentary
you would see,

like Planet Earth, you know.

And I wish David Attenborough

could narrate that
entire situation, right?

"We're here at an Indian wedding

"where people dance around
like peacocks.

"It doesn't matter who they know
or who they don't know,

"they dance around all the time.

"And in the distance
lies a Caucasian female...

"...in the throes of ecstasy
over a chicken tikka masala."

I love David Attenborough, man.

He talks about all thesePlanet Earth documentaries.

He gives you lot
of useful information

for useless conversations,
you know.

Like he was talking about
the capybara, right?

"The capybara is the largest
rodent on the planet.

"It's the size of a small
German Shepherd."

I was like,
"That rodent is a dog."

One of my friends
was complaining

about his rodent problems,
I'm like, "Hey, man,

"look on the bright side.
It's not a capybara.

"That's the largest rodent
on the planet.

"You just killed a baby mouse.

"You should continue
staying here."

I had a rodent problem at home.

And here's what happened,

I ended up killing five rodents,

five rats that entered my house.

I felt very guilty
killing all those rats,

and I decided to become

vegan for a month.

And a week in, I was like,

"I want to kill all vegans.

"I want to put them
in a mousetrap

"where they can only escape
by eating cheese."

So I've been trying to get fit.
I've been trying to get fit.

We went...
I went with some friends
to go hiking.

And we went to the outdoors
to explore the outdoors.

And we got so tired
of the hike halfway through,

we're like, "Let's just go
to an escape room."

Because that's how
much we hate hiking.

If you've never been
to an escape room,

it is the biggest Ponzi scheme
in this country.

It's a prison guard side hustle.

The economy is so bad
that Hannibal Lecter

has a 401K plan.

And that's trapping people
for rent.

If you've never been
to an escape room,

it's a place where people

pay to get trapped
to solve a crime.

All right? In our case,
we had to solve

a missing persons case

of a woman that went
missing in the woods

on a hike.

And I was like,
"Oh, shit, we should have
gone on this hike."

We've missed some
major clues, you know.

So, while we're in there,
we had to solve a crime,

and, um, they...

They leave you
in this room for an hour,

and you have to solve a crime.

I thought it was a real crime.

I thought this was
a real person that's missing.

And after an hour, we found out

that it was a fake crime.

We had to solve a crime
that didn't happen

to find a person
that doesn't exist

in a room that used to be
a RadioShack.

I felt like, "Oh, this is how
crypto works."

I felt like I went to an ATM
and put my card in,

and the ATM just laughed at me.

They should use escape rooms
for more practical things.

They should have an escape room
for conspiracy theorists.

You know, like, we should
have an escape room

where we trap a bunch
of flat-earth people

and fake-moon-landing people,

and make them assemble
a telescope...

...to look directly
into the sun.

That will show them the light.

Life is a series
of escape rooms,
if you think about it.

Because before you're born,

you're trapped
in the womb, right?

That's a big escape room.

Then you're trapped
in childhood.

That's a big escape room.
For 18 years, right?

Then you transition
to adulthood.

You're trapped in that.

And then you get married,
and, uh...

We know what that's called.

That's a massive trap.

Then you have kids,
they're just puzzles

that are pooping all the time.

You're trapped in a situation

where you have
to figure that out.

And then you retire
and end up in an old age home

where you hook up with people
in a midlife crisis.

I need to find
a new therapist. Um...

Because, uh...

I need to figure out
my life, man.

My life has been weird, man.

I've had a weird life because
I used to program vibrators,

I used to drive around
with propane tanks in my car,

running outdoor comedy shows.

Like, my life is perfect for
an Alex Jones conspiracy theory.

He would just start
his conspiracy theory.

"These Indian people
are coming in here,

"they're getting
advanced degrees

in how to make dick vibrators.

"They're driving around
with propane tanks,

"trying to have
'comedy shows'...

"...in underground basements
in San Francisco.

"And he goes by the code name
of Brown Jesus."

You guys have been amazing.
Thank you so much.