Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:05,657 --> 00:00:06,006
.
2
00:00:06,049 --> 00:00:07,442
- Hey.
3
00:00:07,485 --> 00:00:08,791
For Emma's quinceañera,
4
00:00:08,834 --> 00:00:10,271
am I supposed to
just get her money,
5
00:00:10,314 --> 00:00:11,707
or if I wanted to
add something extra,
6
00:00:11,750 --> 00:00:14,057
would she like
a NutriBullet,
7
00:00:14,101 --> 00:00:16,103
makeup, rosary beads,
8
00:00:16,146 --> 00:00:19,497
a T-shirt that says
"Slay all day"?
9
00:00:19,541 --> 00:00:21,282
- She's gonna like
whatever you get her.
10
00:00:21,325 --> 00:00:22,457
- I just want it
to be good, you know?
11
00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:24,067
I always feel like
Emma doesn't like me.
12
00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:25,590
- What? Why?
13
00:00:25,634 --> 00:00:27,853
- She always goes to her room
whenever I come over.
14
00:00:27,897 --> 00:00:29,507
And there was the time
she saw in the towel
15
00:00:29,551 --> 00:00:30,682
and it was never
addressed.
16
00:00:30,726 --> 00:00:33,207
- Jonah, she's 15 years old.
17
00:00:33,250 --> 00:00:36,427
If you're not Ariana Grande
or Gritty, she's not into it.
18
00:00:36,471 --> 00:00:37,820
- Yeah, but I'm,
like, the guy
19
00:00:37,863 --> 00:00:39,778
who stole her mom
away from her dad.
20
00:00:39,822 --> 00:00:41,693
- Yeah, no, you're right.
It's true.
21
00:00:41,737 --> 00:00:45,436
I was in a happy, fulfilling,
blissful marriage
22
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:47,699
that would have just gone on
forever and ever
23
00:00:47,743 --> 00:00:50,311
if you hadn't swooped in
and started whispering
24
00:00:50,354 --> 00:00:52,226
"This American Life"
stories into my ear
25
00:00:52,269 --> 00:00:53,227
until my panties dropped.
26
00:00:53,270 --> 00:00:54,619
- I'm just saying.
27
00:00:54,663 --> 00:00:57,187
I don't need to go if
it's gonna make things weird.
28
00:00:57,231 --> 00:00:59,102
I mean, between
Emma and Adam...
29
00:00:59,146 --> 00:01:01,365
- It's not going to be weird.
30
00:01:01,409 --> 00:01:03,541
Calm down.
I want you to be there.
31
00:01:03,585 --> 00:01:06,196
It would be weird
if you weren't there.
32
00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:07,545
- [sighs]
You sure?
33
00:01:07,589 --> 00:01:10,461
- Yes.
- Okay. Okay.
34
00:01:10,505 --> 00:01:12,637
Has she ever brought
up the towel thing?
35
00:01:12,681 --> 00:01:15,423
Because it was
tied pretty low.
36
00:01:15,466 --> 00:01:17,120
- It's been discussed.
37
00:01:17,164 --> 00:01:20,123
[upbeat music]
38
00:01:20,167 --> 00:01:21,864
♪
39
00:01:21,907 --> 00:01:25,215
[upbeat music]
40
00:01:25,259 --> 00:01:30,481
♪
41
00:01:30,525 --> 00:01:33,702
- Emma, hey!
Happy quinceañera.
42
00:01:33,745 --> 00:01:36,139
- Thanks.
- That dress is great.
43
00:01:36,183 --> 00:01:39,403
Somebody is ready
for the red carpet.
44
00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:41,144
- Okay.
45
00:01:41,188 --> 00:01:42,450
- Hey, you two,
could I get a photo?
46
00:01:42,493 --> 00:01:44,756
- Ah, oh, yeah. Sure.
- All right.
47
00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:46,628
Go ahead and smile.
48
00:01:46,671 --> 00:01:48,934
Ah, go ahead and actually
get close together.
49
00:01:48,978 --> 00:01:50,849
- Oh, hey, Adam,
how's it going, buddy?
50
00:01:50,893 --> 00:01:52,547
- Hi. Hey.
- All right.
51
00:01:52,590 --> 00:01:54,201
Emma, what don't you take
a little step forward?
52
00:01:54,244 --> 00:01:55,724
And, Dad, go ahead
and throw your arms around her.
53
00:01:55,767 --> 00:01:57,291
- Ew, he's not my Dad.
- Yeah, I'm not...
54
00:01:57,334 --> 00:01:59,249
"Ew" seems strong.
- I'm the father.
55
00:01:59,293 --> 00:02:00,946
- Yeah, I'm just the boyfriend.
56
00:02:00,990 --> 00:02:03,384
Oh, no,
the mother's boyfriend.
57
00:02:03,427 --> 00:02:05,603
I'm not--I'm not her boy--
58
00:02:05,647 --> 00:02:07,431
You know what? You should
probably do this instead of me.
59
00:02:07,475 --> 00:02:09,651
- The father-daughter photo?
Yeah, maybe.
60
00:02:09,694 --> 00:02:11,000
Probably should.
61
00:02:11,043 --> 00:02:12,697
- Oh, wow, I'm gonna have
to zoom out on that one.
62
00:02:12,741 --> 00:02:15,396
You're so much taller, right?
- Thank you.
63
00:02:15,439 --> 00:02:17,441
- There he is. Yeah, I like it.
That's good.
64
00:02:17,485 --> 00:02:19,791
- Yeah, you guys,
you're both so--so beautiful.
65
00:02:21,532 --> 00:02:22,794
- Thank you.
66
00:02:22,838 --> 00:02:25,623
- Oh, you guys,
went all out.
67
00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:27,625
- Yeah, it was gonna be
a little smaller,
68
00:02:27,669 --> 00:02:31,629
but then I--I got my promotion,
and I was like, "o it up."
69
00:02:31,673 --> 00:02:32,848
- Bo really wanted to come,
70
00:02:32,891 --> 00:02:34,763
but one of his suits
is at the dry cleaner's
71
00:02:34,806 --> 00:02:36,591
and the other one's haunted.
72
00:02:36,634 --> 00:02:38,854
- Okay. Yeah,
those things happen.
73
00:02:38,897 --> 00:02:41,552
- Oh, and, Amy,
Jerusha had to watch Rose,
74
00:02:41,596 --> 00:02:44,860
but there was no way that I was
gonna miss this celebration
75
00:02:44,903 --> 00:02:47,645
of Emma's transition
from girlhood to womanhood
76
00:02:47,689 --> 00:02:50,387
with cultural roots
in Mesoamerica.
77
00:02:50,431 --> 00:02:52,868
- Thank you, Glenn. Did you
spend some time on Wikipedia?
78
00:02:52,911 --> 00:02:55,305
- Yeah, I did. How?
79
00:02:55,349 --> 00:02:57,264
- Where's Emma?
- She's over there.
80
00:02:57,307 --> 00:02:59,309
- Oh.
- Aw.
81
00:02:59,353 --> 00:03:01,268
- Look at her,
in her dress.
82
00:03:01,311 --> 00:03:02,878
I wore that dress
to my quinceañera.
83
00:03:02,921 --> 00:03:04,793
I can't believe it.
84
00:03:04,836 --> 00:03:07,317
Just yesterday,
she was this little baby,
85
00:03:07,361 --> 00:03:10,973
and now she's
this grown woman.
86
00:03:11,974 --> 00:03:14,498
I'm so sorry.
I have a lot of feelings today.
87
00:03:14,542 --> 00:03:16,065
Excuse me.
88
00:03:16,108 --> 00:03:18,415
- I don't think I've ever
seen Amy show emotion before.
89
00:03:18,459 --> 00:03:20,243
- I know, it's so weird.
90
00:03:20,287 --> 00:03:22,419
It's like, I once saw
my dentist yell at a stripper,
91
00:03:22,463 --> 00:03:26,336
and it was like,
"Oh, you do have feelings."
92
00:03:26,380 --> 00:03:29,731
- Amy doesn't cry often,
but when she does, oh, boy.
93
00:03:29,774 --> 00:03:32,299
- What do you mean?
- Oh, it's awful.
94
00:03:32,342 --> 00:03:34,301
It's like...
[wails]
95
00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:37,391
No, it's, um...
[whines]
96
00:03:37,434 --> 00:03:39,001
No, I can't do it.
97
00:03:39,044 --> 00:03:41,003
- I would really like
to see that.
98
00:03:41,046 --> 00:03:42,961
- Me too.
- Mm.
99
00:03:43,005 --> 00:03:46,965
- ♪ I've never been afraid
100
00:03:47,009 --> 00:03:50,404
♪ I've loved the life
we've made ♪
101
00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:53,407
- Why are you lurking
in the corner?
102
00:03:53,450 --> 00:03:55,322
- I'm not lurking.
103
00:03:55,365 --> 00:03:57,802
I'm standing silently
in the shadows.
104
00:03:57,846 --> 00:03:59,282
Lurking works, yeah.
105
00:03:59,326 --> 00:04:01,806
I'm just trying to stay out
of everyone's way, you know?
106
00:04:01,850 --> 00:04:04,287
- Jonah, relax.
It's a party.
107
00:04:04,331 --> 00:04:06,724
You should be mingling.
Go talk to someone
108
00:04:06,768 --> 00:04:08,683
about how second season
of "Patriot" gets better.
109
00:04:08,726 --> 00:04:09,727
- It doesn't.
110
00:04:09,771 --> 00:04:11,555
See? This is
a great conversation.
111
00:04:11,599 --> 00:04:12,904
Get out there.
112
00:04:12,948 --> 00:04:16,299
Oh, Mom, Dad!
Come! Come here!
113
00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:17,909
Just talk to them.
- I--I'm fine...
114
00:04:17,953 --> 00:04:19,694
- You remember Jonah.
115
00:04:19,737 --> 00:04:22,827
- Hey, guys! Hey!
- Nice to see you.
116
00:04:22,871 --> 00:04:24,786
- Hi, Jonah.
- It's been a while. Hi.
117
00:04:24,829 --> 00:04:26,614
Er, yeah, yeah.
It's good to see you.
118
00:04:26,657 --> 00:04:29,051
Connie, I love that dress.
119
00:04:29,094 --> 00:04:31,880
Somebody is ready
for the red carpet.
120
00:04:31,923 --> 00:04:33,925
- Thank you.
121
00:04:33,969 --> 00:04:35,405
- [clears throat]
You know, I think
122
00:04:35,449 --> 00:04:37,102
you're running low on ice.
- I don't think we are.
123
00:04:37,146 --> 00:04:38,626
- Well, nobody ever thinks
they're running low on ice
124
00:04:38,669 --> 00:04:40,715
until they're actually low
on ice, and then it's too late,
125
00:04:40,758 --> 00:04:43,065
so I'm gonna go get
some ice from outside.
126
00:04:43,108 --> 00:04:45,372
Uh, excuse me.
127
00:04:48,157 --> 00:04:49,767
- It's his
first quinceañera.
128
00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:51,726
- If everybody could
take their seats,
129
00:04:51,769 --> 00:04:53,771
we're gonna begin
the presentation of Emma
130
00:04:53,815 --> 00:04:55,730
and her court
ofdamas y chambelanes
131
00:04:55,773 --> 00:04:58,602
in just a few minutes.
132
00:04:58,646 --> 00:05:00,343
- They're breasts!
133
00:05:00,387 --> 00:05:03,346
- I wasn't--I was just--
- Uh-huh.
134
00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:06,480
- It was a bold choice
to wear a dress like that
135
00:05:06,523 --> 00:05:08,482
at a party full
of a bunch of horny teens.
136
00:05:08,525 --> 00:05:10,092
You're really putting
the ladies out there.
137
00:05:10,135 --> 00:05:11,833
- Why should I
have to police my body
138
00:05:11,876 --> 00:05:13,748
because the men of this world
can't keep it in their pants?
139
00:05:13,791 --> 00:05:15,793
- I agree.
- I mean, if Emma was Wiccan,
140
00:05:15,837 --> 00:05:16,925
we would be all
naked right now,
141
00:05:16,968 --> 00:05:18,361
dancing around
a fire pentacle
142
00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:19,667
and grabbing
each other's crotches.
143
00:05:19,710 --> 00:05:21,146
- It really sounds like
you've done that before.
144
00:05:21,190 --> 00:05:22,844
- A couple of times.
145
00:05:22,887 --> 00:05:26,804
- ♪ Didn't I, didn't I,
didn't I see you crying? ♪
146
00:05:26,848 --> 00:05:31,853
♪ Oh, didn't I, didn't I,
didn't I see you crying? ♪
147
00:05:31,896 --> 00:05:33,507
♪ Feelin' all alone
without a friend... ♪
148
00:05:33,550 --> 00:05:37,380
- And put your hands together
for Marco and Daniela.
149
00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:40,165
[cheers and applause]
150
00:05:40,209 --> 00:05:42,907
[upbeat percussive music]
151
00:05:42,951 --> 00:05:45,954
All right, and now,
everybody, on your feet.
152
00:05:45,997 --> 00:05:47,782
It gives me great pleasure
to introduce to you
153
00:05:47,825 --> 00:05:51,655
thequinceañera herself,
Emma Dubanowski!
154
00:05:51,699 --> 00:05:53,396
[cheers and applause]
155
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,180
- ♪ I wanna see you
when I turn around... ♪
156
00:05:55,224 --> 00:05:57,966
- Oh, uh, I'm sorry, I didn't
realize you guys were--
157
00:05:58,009 --> 00:05:59,620
I'm so sorry.
- Oh, watch out.
158
00:05:59,663 --> 00:06:02,013
- Oh, so sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'm sorry, I was getting ice.
159
00:06:02,057 --> 00:06:04,015
- We can see that, big guy.
Just get out of the way.
160
00:06:04,059 --> 00:06:07,018
- Okay, I'm sorry. I'm--
[all gasp]
161
00:06:07,062 --> 00:06:08,150
Okay, sorry. I'm sorry.
162
00:06:08,193 --> 00:06:10,108
If you guys--
just--just back up.
163
00:06:10,152 --> 00:06:12,415
I don't want anybody to slip.
It's--it's slippery.
164
00:06:12,459 --> 00:06:14,591
- It's good to see
Jonah again.
165
00:06:14,635 --> 00:06:15,940
I'm glad that's
happening for you.
166
00:06:15,984 --> 00:06:17,681
- Thank you.
- You know what?
167
00:06:17,725 --> 00:06:19,030
we're gonna take a break
and clear the floor,
168
00:06:19,074 --> 00:06:20,292
so everyone just chill
169
00:06:20,336 --> 00:06:21,990
and we'll take it again
from the top.
170
00:06:22,033 --> 00:06:25,472
- Okay, again, very sorry.
171
00:06:25,515 --> 00:06:26,908
If you need anything,
I'm just gonna--
172
00:06:26,951 --> 00:06:28,257
you don't need anything.
You guys are good.
173
00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:32,043
I'm...okay. I'm gonna
stop talking right now.
174
00:06:32,087 --> 00:06:35,220
- So, uh, I'm gonna
write down my email.
175
00:06:35,264 --> 00:06:38,049
If you could send me
a copy of this video,
176
00:06:38,093 --> 00:06:39,703
that would be great.
177
00:06:39,747 --> 00:06:43,577
It could be any file, any size.
I don't care.
178
00:06:46,188 --> 00:06:46,406
.
179
00:06:46,449 --> 00:06:48,103
- Come on,
it wasn't that bad.
180
00:06:48,146 --> 00:06:49,365
If anything,
you did her a favor.
181
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,193
How many girls get to do
their entrance twice?
182
00:06:51,236 --> 00:06:54,501
- One of the kids said,
"Smooth move, dick."
183
00:06:54,544 --> 00:06:56,328
Like, just so uncalled for.
184
00:06:56,372 --> 00:06:59,462
- I'm sure most of them
didn't even notice.
185
00:06:59,506 --> 00:07:01,986
Look at them.
Hey!
186
00:07:02,030 --> 00:07:05,033
Hey! Hey!
187
00:07:05,076 --> 00:07:06,600
Hello?
188
00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:08,384
Oh, my God.
189
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:10,255
- Look, I just
want you to know
190
00:07:10,299 --> 00:07:12,127
that nothing happened
between Jonah and Amy
191
00:07:12,170 --> 00:07:13,476
while you guys
were together.
192
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,043
I mean, sure they kissed
during the tornado,
193
00:07:15,086 --> 00:07:16,174
but I'm pretty sure
that was it.
194
00:07:16,218 --> 00:07:17,654
- well, thanks for
letting me know that.
195
00:07:17,698 --> 00:07:20,004
- Yeah. But then, of course,
there was the sex tape
196
00:07:20,048 --> 00:07:22,006
that happened at work.
197
00:07:22,050 --> 00:07:26,402
If it helps, we found out
later, Amy didn't finish.
198
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,535
Jonah did, though, so...
199
00:07:28,578 --> 00:07:31,494
Sorry about that.
- Buddy, cut it out.
200
00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:33,714
- Cut what out?
- Dude, look,
201
00:07:33,757 --> 00:07:35,455
I was your age once.
I was obsessed with breasts.
202
00:07:35,498 --> 00:07:37,152
I'm still a fan,
but she's my friend,
203
00:07:37,195 --> 00:07:38,675
so stop staring at her.
204
00:07:38,719 --> 00:07:41,939
- I wasn't. I don't care about
some lady's fake boobs.
205
00:07:41,983 --> 00:07:43,158
- [chuckles]
Okay, all right.
206
00:07:43,201 --> 00:07:44,725
Well, they're real,
but whatever.
207
00:07:44,768 --> 00:07:46,466
- They're totally fake.
208
00:07:46,509 --> 00:07:48,206
You can tell when they're
too round like that.
209
00:07:48,250 --> 00:07:50,078
- Dude, don't act like
you know about breasts.
210
00:07:50,121 --> 00:07:51,558
I dated her.
they're real.
211
00:07:51,601 --> 00:07:53,385
- You dated her?
212
00:07:53,429 --> 00:07:54,561
So you've, like, seen them?
213
00:07:54,604 --> 00:07:56,519
Yeah.
When adults date each other,
214
00:07:56,563 --> 00:07:58,086
they show each other
their boobs.
215
00:07:58,129 --> 00:08:00,088
- What are they like?
Are they awesome?
216
00:08:00,131 --> 00:08:04,527
- Buddy, I'm not telling
you about that.
217
00:08:04,571 --> 00:08:06,573
But the right one's a little
perkier than the left one,
218
00:08:06,616 --> 00:08:09,227
but not in like
a weird Picasso kind of way,
219
00:08:09,271 --> 00:08:11,621
and they're sort of spread out,
but not like Admiral Ackbar.
220
00:08:11,665 --> 00:08:13,057
It's like they're--
221
00:08:13,101 --> 00:08:15,190
[sighs]
You know what?
222
00:08:15,233 --> 00:08:17,322
I'll just draw 'em for ya.
Come on.
223
00:08:19,281 --> 00:08:21,631
- And on this day
of your quinceañera,
224
00:08:21,675 --> 00:08:25,983
I wanted to get you
something muy especial,so...
225
00:08:27,202 --> 00:08:28,333
both: Holy [bleep].
226
00:08:28,377 --> 00:08:31,249
- It's the traditional
last doll,
227
00:08:31,293 --> 00:08:32,599
última muñeca.
228
00:08:32,642 --> 00:08:35,297
Jerusha and I worked
really hard on this.
229
00:08:35,340 --> 00:08:36,385
Do you like it?
230
00:08:36,428 --> 00:08:38,430
- Yes, mm-hmm.
Just say thank you.
231
00:08:38,474 --> 00:08:40,476
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
232
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,565
Oh, if you're wondering
why the hair looks so real?
233
00:08:42,609 --> 00:08:44,088
Because it is.
234
00:08:44,132 --> 00:08:47,004
Yeah, Jerusha got her hair
caught in the garbage disposal,
235
00:08:47,048 --> 00:08:50,051
so, you know,
we saved it for you.
236
00:08:50,094 --> 00:08:52,532
- Thank you.
237
00:08:52,575 --> 00:08:55,447
Put her away.
238
00:08:55,491 --> 00:08:57,449
Keep her safe.
- Yeah.
239
00:08:57,493 --> 00:09:00,322
[Terrell Burt's
"Come and Dance" playing]
240
00:09:00,365 --> 00:09:06,154
♪
241
00:09:06,197 --> 00:09:08,373
- Emma, if I could give
you any advice,
242
00:09:08,417 --> 00:09:10,288
it would be,
never give your virtue away.
243
00:09:10,332 --> 00:09:13,291
Hold it, protect it
until you meet
244
00:09:13,335 --> 00:09:15,163
that special man
that you will call husband.
245
00:09:15,206 --> 00:09:16,556
- This is, like,
the fifth speech in a row
246
00:09:16,599 --> 00:09:17,774
about Emma's virginity.
247
00:09:17,818 --> 00:09:19,080
It's weird.
- I know.
248
00:09:19,123 --> 00:09:22,300
It's like, who hasn't lost
their virginity by 15?
249
00:09:22,344 --> 00:09:24,389
- Studies show that
pushing abstinence on kids
250
00:09:24,433 --> 00:09:25,826
actually makes them
want to have sex more.
251
00:09:25,869 --> 00:09:27,610
Or it encourages them
to try butt stuff,
252
00:09:27,654 --> 00:09:29,569
which, hey, God bless.
253
00:09:29,612 --> 00:09:33,529
- So it kind of curves
up here to décolletage.
254
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:34,617
That's a crumb.
255
00:09:34,661 --> 00:09:37,185
That's not, like,
a third nipple.
256
00:09:37,228 --> 00:09:40,101
Then over here, there's sort of
a quick little dip,
257
00:09:40,144 --> 00:09:42,538
like that first drop
in Batman: The Ride.
258
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:45,193
And I know it seems like
I'm spending a lot of time
259
00:09:45,236 --> 00:09:49,240
on the sternum, but it's really
all about that negative space.
260
00:09:49,284 --> 00:09:51,199
- Because losing
the precious gift of chastity
261
00:09:51,242 --> 00:09:53,157
would be the biggest mistake
of your life,
262
00:09:53,201 --> 00:09:55,116
almost as big a mistake
as when this guy
263
00:09:55,159 --> 00:09:56,378
ruined your big entrance.
264
00:09:56,421 --> 00:09:58,598
[laughter]
265
00:09:58,641 --> 00:10:00,208
- [chuckles weakly]
266
00:10:00,251 --> 00:10:02,340
From before, yeah. Zing.
267
00:10:02,384 --> 00:10:08,520
- ♪ Fire, baby
268
00:10:08,564 --> 00:10:12,089
- Because, as we all know,
269
00:10:12,133 --> 00:10:16,572
the unopened chips
always stays the freshest.
270
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,226
[applause]
Thank you.
271
00:10:18,269 --> 00:10:19,662
Ah, who's next?
272
00:10:19,706 --> 00:10:21,533
- Oh, God, no.
Pass.
273
00:10:21,577 --> 00:10:23,666
- Ouch, so cold.
274
00:10:23,710 --> 00:10:26,843
- I don't--I don't mean pass
like I-I-I don't care.
275
00:10:26,887 --> 00:10:29,237
I just--uh...
276
00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:30,717
I--sorry, when I--
277
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:32,240
when I said, "Pass,"
278
00:10:32,283 --> 00:10:33,763
I just meant, like,
I don't want to say anything.
279
00:10:33,807 --> 00:10:37,419
Not--sorry,
not because I don't like Emma.
280
00:10:37,462 --> 00:10:40,727
It's just, it feels silly
for me to be giving a speech
281
00:10:40,770 --> 00:10:43,860
when I'm not even
a part of the family yet.
282
00:10:43,904 --> 00:10:45,253
- Oh!
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
283
00:10:45,296 --> 00:10:46,689
That doesn't--
that's not a--no.
284
00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:47,908
Don't read into
the word "yet," no.
285
00:10:47,951 --> 00:10:49,170
Believe me, we're--
[chuckles]
286
00:10:49,213 --> 00:10:50,911
we're not
getting married, okay?
287
00:10:50,954 --> 00:10:52,347
I mean, I don't mean
that we're never--
288
00:10:52,390 --> 00:10:53,653
we're never gonna get married.
289
00:10:53,696 --> 00:10:55,306
[stumbling]
I mean, we haven't even
290
00:10:55,350 --> 00:10:57,265
talked about it, right?
291
00:10:57,308 --> 00:10:59,180
You know what?
I should probably
292
00:10:59,223 --> 00:11:00,747
just stick with
the standard script
293
00:11:00,790 --> 00:11:03,445
and say, um, congrats, Emma,
294
00:11:03,488 --> 00:11:07,667
and I guess stay a virgin
or don't--or don't.
295
00:11:07,710 --> 00:11:10,887
You know, that's--
your sexuality is your own.
296
00:11:10,931 --> 00:11:12,236
- Okay.
- Thank you.
297
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:16,806
- Thank you for those
kind words, Jonah.
298
00:11:16,850 --> 00:11:18,634
- Here.
- Just...
299
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:22,246
But, uh, we got some more
partying to do, folks.
300
00:11:22,290 --> 00:11:25,423
I budgeted six shrimp
per person, so go to town.
301
00:11:25,467 --> 00:11:27,556
And if there aren't
any more toasts--
302
00:11:27,599 --> 00:11:30,385
- Actually, Amy, uh, I just
wanted to say a few words
303
00:11:30,428 --> 00:11:31,778
on the topic
of female pleasure...
304
00:11:31,821 --> 00:11:33,518
[feedback squeals]
305
00:11:33,562 --> 00:11:36,521
- Oops, it's--
it's broken.
306
00:11:38,785 --> 00:11:39,002
.
307
00:11:39,046 --> 00:11:42,092
- Hi.
308
00:11:42,136 --> 00:11:45,835
How are you doing?
309
00:11:45,879 --> 00:11:48,185
- Fantastic.
Life of the party.
310
00:11:49,404 --> 00:11:51,014
- [yawns]
311
00:11:51,058 --> 00:11:53,147
Man, I am so tired.
312
00:11:53,190 --> 00:11:55,323
I really wish
I could go home now.
313
00:11:55,366 --> 00:11:57,107
You can, though,
if you wanted to.
314
00:11:57,151 --> 00:11:59,806
You know, if you're--
if you're feeling beat.
315
00:11:59,849 --> 00:12:01,372
- I mean, it's only 8:30.
316
00:12:01,416 --> 00:12:05,289
- Oh, okay, only 8:30,
Mr. Party All Night.
317
00:12:05,333 --> 00:12:07,074
I wish I could be in bed
with a good book.
318
00:12:07,117 --> 00:12:08,771
Doesn't that
sound great?
319
00:12:08,815 --> 00:12:11,208
- You've literally
never read in bed.
320
00:12:11,252 --> 00:12:13,863
You play "Candy Crush"
until you're snoring.
321
00:12:13,907 --> 00:12:16,387
- Ha! Yeah, that's true.
I love that game.
322
00:12:16,431 --> 00:12:20,000
- Maybe I should take off.
- No, no.
323
00:12:20,043 --> 00:12:21,784
That's--that's not
what I want.
324
00:12:21,828 --> 00:12:26,093
I-I want you be here,
just not so noticeably.
325
00:12:26,136 --> 00:12:29,357
- That's what I want.
- Fingers crossed.
326
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:31,228
[upbeat dance music]
327
00:12:31,272 --> 00:12:32,795
- Excuse me.
328
00:12:32,839 --> 00:12:34,797
Were you the one who drew
these breasts for my child?
329
00:12:34,841 --> 00:12:36,930
- What? No. What?
Who's your son?
330
00:12:36,973 --> 00:12:38,148
- In the future,
I'd appreciate
331
00:12:38,192 --> 00:12:40,324
if you didn't give
pornography to my child.
332
00:12:40,368 --> 00:12:42,587
- Mm-hmm.
- He's a child.
333
00:12:42,631 --> 00:12:44,198
- Got it, child.
334
00:12:44,241 --> 00:12:45,503
- Those are my breasts.
335
00:12:45,547 --> 00:12:49,246
- What? No.
I drew those from scratch.
336
00:12:49,290 --> 00:12:50,813
- I think I'd recognize
my own breasts.
337
00:12:50,857 --> 00:12:52,423
I have over 40 mirrors
in my house.
338
00:12:52,467 --> 00:12:54,469
- Okay, fine, yeah,
they're your breasts,
339
00:12:54,512 --> 00:12:56,253
but it was just
that this nerd kid
340
00:12:56,297 --> 00:12:58,386
said that they were fake, and
I was like, "No, they're not."
341
00:12:58,429 --> 00:12:59,822
And he's like,
"Yes, they are," so I--
342
00:12:59,866 --> 00:13:01,432
- This is a really
impressive level of detail.
343
00:13:01,476 --> 00:13:02,825
Did you just do this
from memory?
344
00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:03,870
- Yeah.
345
00:13:03,913 --> 00:13:05,915
- Wow. I guess
I didn't realize
346
00:13:05,959 --> 00:13:07,003
how obsessed
you are with me.
347
00:13:07,047 --> 00:13:08,439
- What?
348
00:13:08,483 --> 00:13:10,050
- Well, it's almost sad.
349
00:13:10,093 --> 00:13:11,921
Poor Garrett,
pining after a woman
350
00:13:11,965 --> 00:13:13,488
who barely knows
he's alive.
351
00:13:13,531 --> 00:13:15,533
- No, I think you are reading
way too much into a drawing.
352
00:13:15,577 --> 00:13:17,100
I draw Garfield too.
353
00:13:17,144 --> 00:13:20,495
I don't want to have sex
with Garfield. I'm not Jon.
354
00:13:20,538 --> 00:13:23,498
Stop!
- [laughs]
355
00:13:23,541 --> 00:13:26,066
- Emma is the spitting image
of you by the way.
356
00:13:26,109 --> 00:13:30,200
- Oh, I know.
I'm trying not to cry.
357
00:13:30,244 --> 00:13:32,942
- Yesterday she was this
little girl in pigtails
358
00:13:32,986 --> 00:13:34,074
running around the house,
359
00:13:34,117 --> 00:13:36,990
and now she's this
smart, confident,
360
00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:38,208
beautiful young woman.
361
00:13:38,252 --> 00:13:40,558
You must be so proud.
362
00:13:40,602 --> 00:13:42,256
- I am.
363
00:13:42,299 --> 00:13:45,868
- And pretty soon, you're
gonna be at her graduation
364
00:13:45,912 --> 00:13:50,003
and then her wedding,
then her funeral.
365
00:13:50,046 --> 00:13:51,134
- What?
366
00:13:51,178 --> 00:13:54,268
- I mean, you know, someday.
Not now.
367
00:13:54,311 --> 00:13:56,400
She's not gonna
live forever.
368
00:13:56,444 --> 00:13:58,881
Hopefully you'll die first.
369
00:13:58,925 --> 00:14:01,275
- Okay.
370
00:14:01,318 --> 00:14:03,625
I'm gonna go, um,
371
00:14:03,668 --> 00:14:07,281
mingle with some other--
over there.
372
00:14:07,324 --> 00:14:09,587
- She didn't mean it.
373
00:14:09,631 --> 00:14:12,895
Oh.
- Wow, she is a robot.
374
00:14:14,331 --> 00:14:16,159
- [speaking Spanish]
375
00:14:18,727 --> 00:14:20,424
- Hey, have you
tried these?
376
00:14:20,468 --> 00:14:23,514
These are called
pastelitos de perro.
377
00:14:23,558 --> 00:14:26,213
It's a traditional
Honduran food.
378
00:14:26,256 --> 00:14:27,997
- Those are pizza rolls.
379
00:14:28,041 --> 00:14:29,520
- Oh.
380
00:14:29,564 --> 00:14:31,392
- The Honduran food
is here.
381
00:14:31,435 --> 00:14:33,350
- Oh, well, that's what I want.
382
00:14:33,394 --> 00:14:35,526
I'm not some boring gringo,
you know.
383
00:14:35,570 --> 00:14:38,007
Well, give that spice.
Show me the mole.
384
00:14:38,051 --> 00:14:41,097
- Oh, that's it.
[laughs]
385
00:14:41,141 --> 00:14:42,185
- [coughs]
386
00:14:42,229 --> 00:14:44,231
[gulps]
387
00:14:44,274 --> 00:14:49,584
both: ♪ Did you ever know
that you're my hero? ♪
388
00:14:49,627 --> 00:14:52,195
- You're Emma's hero, Amy.
- You really are.
389
00:14:52,239 --> 00:14:56,678
both: ♪ Everything
I would like to be ♪
390
00:14:56,721 --> 00:15:00,029
- You're her role model.
- She's your only daughter.
391
00:15:00,073 --> 00:15:05,121
both: ♪ I can fly higher
than an eagle ♪
392
00:15:05,165 --> 00:15:07,297
- Leaving the nest so soon.
- Never coming back.
393
00:15:07,341 --> 00:15:12,346
both: ♪ You are the wind
beneath Emma's ♪
394
00:15:12,389 --> 00:15:19,396
♪ Wings
395
00:15:21,355 --> 00:15:24,967
- Thank you, guys.
Very cool. Thank you.
396
00:15:25,011 --> 00:15:27,970
[applause]
397
00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:29,972
- Do you have the dead grandma
song from "Coco"?
398
00:15:30,016 --> 00:15:32,496
- No, no, maybe we should get
back to the dancing.
399
00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:33,845
- I think you're gonna
wanna hear this.
400
00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:35,238
- You're gonna wanna
hear this, definitely.
401
00:15:35,282 --> 00:15:37,240
- Like at night, when
you fantasize about me,
402
00:15:37,284 --> 00:15:40,200
do you think of a specific
incident of us having sex,
403
00:15:40,243 --> 00:15:42,245
or is it more just picturing me
there in the moment?
404
00:15:42,289 --> 00:15:45,118
- Please stop.
- All right.
405
00:15:45,161 --> 00:15:47,381
If you're not obsessed with me,
then I guess you won't care
406
00:15:47,424 --> 00:15:48,991
if I ask McLovin over
there to dance.
407
00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:51,385
- Be my guest.
- Okay, I will.
408
00:15:51,428 --> 00:15:53,300
Hey, acne...[snaps fingers]
Let's dance.
409
00:15:53,343 --> 00:15:56,564
- Me? Yeah. Sure. We did
ballroom in gym one time.
410
00:15:56,607 --> 00:15:58,653
- Oh, good.
411
00:15:58,696 --> 00:16:02,265
- ♪ Party like a movie star
412
00:16:02,309 --> 00:16:04,528
- Hey.
413
00:16:04,572 --> 00:16:06,269
- Hey.
414
00:16:06,313 --> 00:16:07,618
- Everything all right?
415
00:16:07,662 --> 00:16:08,619
- [sighs]
416
00:16:08,663 --> 00:16:11,753
- Yeah, I hear ya.
417
00:16:11,796 --> 00:16:14,364
Look, I'm sorry about all
the--you know, the ice
418
00:16:14,408 --> 00:16:18,064
and the speech,
the towel incident.
419
00:16:18,107 --> 00:16:20,327
I really didn't think
that you were home.
420
00:16:22,416 --> 00:16:25,114
Here's the thing: I...
421
00:16:25,158 --> 00:16:28,596
I really like your Mom
and I know she loves you
422
00:16:28,639 --> 00:16:31,468
and then I get all in my head
about wanting you to like me.
423
00:16:31,512 --> 00:16:33,383
And then--
424
00:16:33,427 --> 00:16:35,820
- I am so high.
425
00:16:35,864 --> 00:16:38,432
- What?
- I'm freaking out.
426
00:16:38,475 --> 00:16:40,260
- Oh.
427
00:16:40,303 --> 00:16:42,740
- ♪ Party up,
live it up with me, baby ♪
428
00:16:44,612 --> 00:16:44,786
.
429
00:16:44,829 --> 00:16:47,702
[upbeat pop music]
430
00:16:47,745 --> 00:16:54,752
♪
431
00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:58,060
- My cousin Marco
brought a vape pen,
432
00:16:58,104 --> 00:17:00,106
and, at first,
I didn't feel anything
433
00:17:00,149 --> 00:17:01,716
and so I did some more
434
00:17:01,759 --> 00:17:03,935
and then I wasn't even sure
if there was anything in it
435
00:17:03,979 --> 00:17:05,459
because Marco is a liar
436
00:17:05,502 --> 00:17:07,809
and now I am very feeling
something a lot.
437
00:17:07,852 --> 00:17:10,681
- Okay, okay,
it's--it's--it's gonna be okay.
438
00:17:10,725 --> 00:17:12,683
- I feel like my heart's
filling with blood.
439
00:17:12,727 --> 00:17:14,772
- Then it's doing its job.
440
00:17:14,816 --> 00:17:16,035
Listen, you know what
I'm gonna do?
441
00:17:16,078 --> 00:17:17,079
I'm gonna get your Mom--
442
00:17:17,123 --> 00:17:18,907
- No, no, you can't
tell my parents.
443
00:17:18,950 --> 00:17:21,562
- Right. Right. Right.
Okay. Okay.
444
00:17:21,605 --> 00:17:25,696
Well, then we're just gonna
sit here and ride it out.
445
00:17:25,740 --> 00:17:29,048
- Hey, can I sit
with my little princess?
446
00:17:29,091 --> 00:17:30,701
- Nah, we're good.
447
00:17:30,745 --> 00:17:32,442
- I'd like to sit
with my granddaughter--
448
00:17:32,486 --> 00:17:34,053
- Connie, please!
449
00:17:39,188 --> 00:17:41,930
- The kid says he thinks
I'm hotter than Tia Carrere.
450
00:17:41,973 --> 00:17:43,888
- Well, no, I--
- Yeah, yeah.
451
00:17:43,932 --> 00:17:45,455
He's super into me!
452
00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:47,805
- Okay, cool.
453
00:17:49,024 --> 00:17:50,156
- What is she doing?
454
00:17:50,199 --> 00:17:52,158
- She's trying to seduce
a 15-year-old kid
455
00:17:52,201 --> 00:17:54,769
in order
to make me jealous.
456
00:17:54,812 --> 00:17:56,858
- Is it working?
- Not really.
457
00:17:56,901 --> 00:17:58,773
- This is a really nice party.
458
00:17:58,816 --> 00:17:59,861
You know, this whole tent
459
00:17:59,904 --> 00:18:02,168
and the DJ
and the centerpieces--
460
00:18:02,211 --> 00:18:04,953
you went--I mean,
you went for it.
461
00:18:04,996 --> 00:18:06,737
- Yeah, yeah, I did,
thank you.
462
00:18:06,781 --> 00:18:10,045
It was really nice
to be able to this for her.
463
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:11,090
- Yeah.
464
00:18:11,133 --> 00:18:13,004
And when it's time
for her wedding,
465
00:18:13,048 --> 00:18:16,095
I will--I will handle
the lion's share.
466
00:18:16,138 --> 00:18:17,879
- Yeah, yeah, don't sweat it.
467
00:18:17,922 --> 00:18:19,620
It's good.
I got it covered.
468
00:18:19,663 --> 00:18:23,014
- I actually just bought
some stock in a drone company,
469
00:18:23,058 --> 00:18:25,800
so it's gonna even
out pretty quick.
470
00:18:25,843 --> 00:18:28,150
- Sounds promising.
471
00:18:28,194 --> 00:18:30,805
- Those things
are gonna be everywhere,
472
00:18:30,848 --> 00:18:34,025
flying.
473
00:18:34,069 --> 00:18:36,637
- This is my first quinceañera!
474
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:40,075
I love your
Latinx traditions.
475
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:41,250
Huh? How am I doing?
476
00:18:41,294 --> 00:18:42,817
- All right,
477
00:18:42,860 --> 00:18:44,558
I'd like to ask everybody
to please clear the floor.
478
00:18:44,601 --> 00:18:46,255
It's now time for
the father-daughter dance.
479
00:18:46,299 --> 00:18:48,170
- Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
480
00:18:48,214 --> 00:18:49,345
- No, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
481
00:18:49,389 --> 00:18:51,173
It's gonna be fine.
- He's gonna know.
482
00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:53,654
He's gonna know.
- No, he's not gonna know.
483
00:18:53,697 --> 00:18:56,004
You can do this.
484
00:18:56,047 --> 00:18:57,266
- Okay. Okay.
485
00:18:57,310 --> 00:18:59,834
- Gonna be great.
486
00:18:59,877 --> 00:19:01,183
[gentle piano music]
487
00:19:01,227 --> 00:19:02,967
- [whimpers]
488
00:19:03,011 --> 00:19:07,668
♪
489
00:19:07,711 --> 00:19:10,801
Okay, maybe just
try to walk normal.
490
00:19:10,845 --> 00:19:12,238
- Is this not normal?
491
00:19:12,281 --> 00:19:14,240
- No, no, no, no, no, no,
this is--this is great.
492
00:19:14,283 --> 00:19:16,677
This is how people walk.
You got it.
493
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,679
- ♪ How to be brave
494
00:19:18,722 --> 00:19:21,072
- She looks nervous.
- It's fine.
495
00:19:21,116 --> 00:19:23,684
- ♪ When I'm afraid?
496
00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:25,642
- No, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
497
00:19:25,686 --> 00:19:27,166
- You know what?
Sorry.
498
00:19:27,209 --> 00:19:29,733
Uh, I think, actually, we're
gonna try and squeeze one in,
499
00:19:29,777 --> 00:19:31,648
uh, before the father-daughter.
500
00:19:31,692 --> 00:19:32,780
- What?
501
00:19:32,823 --> 00:19:34,869
And this is the song
we practiced to.
502
00:19:34,912 --> 00:19:37,698
- Yeah, uh, well,
we can play it again for you.
503
00:19:37,741 --> 00:19:40,570
You know, I'm sure the DJ has
a repeat button on the thing.
504
00:19:40,614 --> 00:19:42,006
- What?
- Jonah.
505
00:19:42,050 --> 00:19:44,183
- Hmm?
- You need to sit down.
506
00:19:44,226 --> 00:19:47,664
- No, no, not until
this song is over, at least,
507
00:19:47,708 --> 00:19:51,233
and maybe--maybe just a few
more after that, you know?
508
00:19:51,277 --> 00:19:53,714
- You're makin' it weird, dog.
Just let her go.
509
00:19:53,757 --> 00:19:55,106
- Let her go!
510
00:19:55,150 --> 00:19:57,196
- Not--not gonna happen,
Connie.
511
00:19:57,239 --> 00:19:59,676
- ♪ I have loved you for...
512
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,157
- So this has
one terabyte on it.
513
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,246
If you could just put all
the raw footage on there.
514
00:20:04,290 --> 00:20:06,205
You don't have to edit it.
I'll take care of that.
515
00:20:08,294 --> 00:20:10,209
- This is fun.
516
00:20:16,954 --> 00:20:20,349
- I know. I'm sorry.
I ruined the quinceañera.
517
00:20:20,393 --> 00:20:22,917
I made it weird.
I-I-I don't know why I--
518
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,919
- She was high.
519
00:20:24,962 --> 00:20:26,660
She told me.
520
00:20:26,703 --> 00:20:27,791
- Ah.
521
00:20:27,835 --> 00:20:31,273
- That was a very nice
thing you did.
522
00:20:31,317 --> 00:20:33,232
But, uh, for future reference,
523
00:20:33,275 --> 00:20:36,278
the next time my child
is on drugs, tell me.
524
00:20:36,322 --> 00:20:37,932
- Got it.
525
00:20:37,975 --> 00:20:40,413
I did see Parker
snorting cocaine
526
00:20:40,456 --> 00:20:42,415
off his "Paw Patrol" table
last week.
527
00:20:42,458 --> 00:20:43,894
- Oh, yeah, no,
I knew about that one.
528
00:20:43,938 --> 00:20:47,202
- Hey, Amy, you've gotta see
this video of a deaf kid
529
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,160
hearing his mother's voice
for the first time.
530
00:20:49,204 --> 00:20:50,945
- Um, I'm okay,
thank you.
531
00:20:50,988 --> 00:20:52,947
- It's really moving, though.
532
00:20:52,990 --> 00:20:54,296
- Just not--not right now.
533
00:20:56,820 --> 00:20:58,213
Ow!
534
00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:01,347
Ow!
What the hell, Cheyenne?
535
00:21:01,390 --> 00:21:03,871
- Um, uh, I'm sorry.
536
00:21:03,914 --> 00:21:06,047
I was just trying something.
It didn't work, okay.
537
00:21:06,090 --> 00:21:07,831
Sorry, night, okay.
538
00:21:11,182 --> 00:21:13,184
- You really should've
kick her back.
37201
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof