All language subtitles for Connie.and.Carla.2004.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP5.1.x264-QOQ

( bell rings )

Boy:
Hey, check it out.
Look at those two losers.

- Girl: Hi, everyone,
we're Connie...
- Girl #2: And Carla.

- ( laughing )
- Nerds.

PA:
Attention please.
The yearbook committee

will meet today at 3:40
in the library.

- Good crowd.
- Connie, are you sure
we should?

Don't forget
the harmony in
the second verse, okay?

- Okay.
- This is going
to work, Carla.

- We just have
to stick to my plan.
- Right, the plan.

We're gonna be huge.
Huge.

PA:
All students registered
for the planetarium

field trip should
now be on the bus.

- ( tape playing "Oklahoma" )
- Boy: Get off the stage!

- ( kids laughing )
- * Oklahoma

* Where the wind comes
sweeping down the plain *

- * And the waving wheat
- They're freaks.

* Can sure smell sweet
when the wind comes right
behind the rain... *

* Oklahoma

* Every night
my honey lamb and I *

* We sit alone and talk

* And watch a hawk

* Makin' lazy circles
in the sky *

* Oklahoma.

( woman over P.A.)
United Airlines flight 539

to Minneapolis
is now boarding at

- gate 31B.
- ( airport PA chatter )

* Jesus Christ

* Superstar

* Do you think you're
what they say you are? *

* Papa, can you
hear me? *

* Papa,
are you near me? *

* Papa, how I miss you

* Kissing me

* Good night *

* Papa. *

- ( blows )
- Thank you, you've been
a great crowd.

All of you.

* Memory

* All alone
in the moonlight,
I can smile... *

Man:
And the greatest thing
about that car show is...

you can sit
in any car you want
for as long as you want.

Yeah, I remember
that from last year.

Cut it out, Al.

You know, Carla,
me and Al just got
this new job.

- We're loading stuff
in this warehouse.
- That's great.

- What's your problem?
- I'm trying to eat, okay?

What are you
doing here anyway?
I told you we broke up.

- Again?
- Let's go, Carla.

- Where you going?
- Mikey, the second show.

Yeah, Mikey,
the second show.
Have some respect--

don't you realize
we're in the presence
of the great waitresses?

- Al, shut it.
- No, you shut it, Connie.

You and that stupid show,
you're like sad, you know?

After all these years,
just face the fact

it's not going to happen
and give up.

- What?
- What's your problem?

What is wrong with you?
Why can't you just be normal?

Al, I only have one life.

I want it to be a happy one.
Let's get out of here.

Come on, Carla.

Carla, please.

Let's go.

You're a dreamer, Connie.
Wake up.

I told you that layover
from Madison would
bring people in.

Connie, Carla!

We're gonna
be able to pay you
back soon, Frank.

We needed more wigs
than we thought, and we have
to do some advertising.

- Good show.
- Oh.

- You girls are great.
- ( giggles )

- I gotta go see
about a delivery.
- Both: Thanks, Frank.

Hey, Frank,

Rudy's looking for you.

Carla, dinner theater
will be so in again.

Yeah, Debbie Reynolds
definitely knew what
she was doing.

- Debbie Reynolds--
"Darling!"
- Darling.

- Chins up, boobs out--
- It's show time.

- Oh.
- Oh, actually,
the show's over, sorry.

- Come back in a month when
the show will be huge.
- Huge.

- We're Connie...
- And Carla.

- Do you like musicals?
- Stop talking, strange women.

I can tell by your lovely
accent you're a visitor
to this country-- and welcome.

Where is fat man?

He has
a gland problem.

( gasping )

Where's Frank?

He just left, Rudy.

- Where does he park?
- On the rooftop.

Tibor, let's go.

- ( gasps )
- Nice to meet you,
Connie, Carla.

( airport PA chatter )

- We gotta warn Frank.
Let's go.
- ( gasps )

- ( groaning )
- The shipment
is short-- again.

Frank:
I didn't take
anything, Rudy.

You were the only one
who handled the transport.
So now I have to kill ya.

- Frank: No, don't!
- Let's go get security.

- Rudy: I don't want
to do it.
- Look.

- Rudy: Where's the money?
- ( screams )

- How long has this
been going on?
- Just in time.

- ( sobbing )
- How long?

Officer, look
these guys are big time
coke dealers.

You take me in,
I'll tell you anything
you want to know, okay?

I left the stuff
at the lounge
with some girls.

You just go ask
for Connie and Carla,
Connie and Carla.

( chuckles )

- ( gunshot )
- ( both screaming )

Connie and Carla!

( yelps )

( continuing screaming )

( gunshot )

Carla:
Oh God, oh God,
oh God...

- Carla, please, Carla--
- ( thumps )

( gasps )
Okay, why the throat?

I can't believe
you actually--

Carla, calm down,
your voice is giving me
cramps.

- Those guys
are going to kill us.
- Carla, we're okay.

Oh my God,
there they are!

( screams )

- ( gunshot )
- Did I get 'em?
Did I get 'em?

- They're still coming.
- ( gunshots )

- Please say
where you're going.
- We don't know, Ma.

We just realized
we have to make a move
for our careers.

- We're not in trouble
or anything.
- Connie, Carla!

Are you prostitutes?

- ( gasps )
- We'll call you.

Okay.

- ( screams )
- What is that?

- What are you doing here?
- Your moms called.

- Where were you going?
- We're going away for a while.

Oh, I get it.
Last week you supposedly
break up with me,

now you pretend you're
leavin' and bump-bump-a-da,
I'm supposed to propose.

- You want us to marry you.
- What are you talking about?
We're not even pre-engaged.

Mikey, if you want
to propose, I'm ready.

( sighs )
Oh...

Mikey, don't get trapped.
We been dating other girls
anyway.

Yeah, we've been--
What?

( gasps )

Drive, Thelma, drive!

Rudy:
What do you got?

Sputnik,
you can't find
two stupid women

who have my kilo
and saw me blow
someone's head off?

This is all
that was there.

Tibor:
Business contacts.

"Old Town Dinner Theater,
St. Louis.

Lincoln House Dinner Theater,
Kansas City.

- Balcony Dinner Theater--"
- They've left town.

Wait, where's my work tote?
Oh God.

( gasps )
I think you left it.

Great, now those guys
know everything about us.

- You don't have our
home address in there?
- No, no.

( sighs )
We should just go
to the police.

A cop shot poor Frank.

Just let me think.
I'm trying to make up
a new plan.

Where can we go?

- New York?
- New York?

- New York's too obvious.
- Florida?

- Florida?
- They can't hide.

We can't hide.

- We gotta go someplace
where we can blend in.
- Okay.

Somewhere where
they'd never look for us,
because there's no theater,

no musical theater,
no dinner theater,
no culture at all.

Los Angeles.

We could be LA girls now.

We should work out.

( laughing )

- Good one.
- Thank you.

Oh, oh.

I think I have a tissue.
Here.

What's this?

I don't know.

( screams )

I can't see.

- ( coughs )
- Oh, it tastes
really funny.

Don't inhale.
Spit it out,
stop breathing.

- Where'd you get that?
- I didn't get it.

- Carla, it was in your bag.
- ( coughing )

( honks )

Carla:
We've been rehearsing a lot
and he's got that new job.

What if he doesn't even
have a new job?

What if he's found
somebody else?
That's it,

Mikey cheated
'cause I was working nights.
It's not his fault.

It was that waitress
at Dodo's Dinner.

She looks at him funny
when she brings him
his cheese melt.

"Hi, Mikey..."
( mock giggles, gags )

She makes me sick she's
so sweet-- so sweet like
the devil in devil's food cake.

She makes me want to puke.
She makes me want to vomit.

- It's okay, Carla,
it's okay.
- ( sighs )

We deserve better though,
that's for sure.

You know what?
No more time for losers,
Carla.

( sighs )
Mm-hmm.

When one door closes,
another door opens.

Yeah, life is like a patio door,
you never know which side
is going to be open.

Mm-hmm, and you walk
into the glass.

( "Born to be Wild" playing )

* Get your motor runnin'

* Head out
on the highway *

* Looking for adventure

* And whatever comes
our way *

* Yeah, darlin',
go make it happen *

* Take the world
in a love embrace *

* Fire all of your
guns at once *

* And explode into space

- ( honking )
- * Born to be wild...

Carla:
They look friendly here.

- Ooh, I really like it here.
- Connie: Yeah, me too.

- I got a good feeling
about this.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Me too.

- ( giggles )
- Okay, it really
feels safe here.

- ( bangs )
- Oh, gunshot!
Connie, they found us.

- We're gonna die!
- Let me look,
let me look.

( bangs )

- ( bangs )
- Oh, we're okay,
we're okay.

- ( jackhammering, bangs )
- ( chuckles )

( sighs )
Oh, cute.

Connie:
Don't bother, Carla.
They're all just

Als and Mikeys
with a tan.

No more boyfriends
for us.

Oh, wait, backup,
backup.

- Connie's mom:
Where are you? Are you okay?
- Carla's mom: They're not okay.

- Are you eating?
- Mom-- We're eating!

What are you doing
for money?

- I'm sure they've got jobs--
- Yeah, as prostitutes.

Tour guide:
I'd be hard-pressed
to say I can't remember

a better looking
group of tourists
and I mean that.

I hope you're ready,
'cause today is the day

when all the stars
are coming out.

So, keep your cameras ready,
'cause here we go.

- ( police siren )
- Oh, look at that,

another celebrity
getting arrested.

( laughs )
Kidding, I'm kidding.

- Okay, now--
- Excuse me, sir.

- Could we please drive by
Debbie Reynolds' house?
- Oh yeah!

No, that's not
on the tour.

- ( gasps )
- Keep your eyes peeled
both left and right--

- Sir, sir.
- because celebrities will just
pop out at ya at any time.

Connie: Sir.

Hi, are there
any dinner theaters
in town?

Not in this decade.

- Now--
- Sir, isn't there a place

- where we could sit
for dinner and a show?
- Yeah, my face!

Man:
Hey, it's Jeff,

I came by to see you again,
but you're not home again.

But I'm bound to run
into you sometime, right?

I'm gonna keep trying.
So...

anyway,
I can't wait to see you.

I will talk
to you later.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

( sighs )
None of these jobs
pay real money.

- I know.
- I'll go make some calls.

Okay.

We'll find something.

We're the only salon
in Los Angeles

that does the Hijiki
Herbal Clay Wrap.

You have done
wrapping before?

Oh, yeah,
there's a ton of these
salons in France.

Where we're from...
( mimics French accent )
originally.

Oh, très bien.

You can finish it then.

Seal it tightly
with ductile sheathing.

Right.

- Excuse me,
Mrs. Morse.
- Oh, sure.

Okay.

- Is that too tight?
- No, no, this is good.

It'll help squish out
all that water I've been
retaining.

- 15 lbs. to go.
- Mrs. Morse, you're thin.

- No, no, I'm not.
- You are really.

No, no, no.

- Oh...
- I can't even get my butt
through this door.

- ( rings )
- Hello, the "I Hate
My Body" Salon.

- May I help you?
- ( giggles )

Hello?
Hello? Hello?

- Oh, they're gone.
- ( laughs )

( gasps )

Connie:
Mrs. Morse,
are you okay?

The girl said
it's the new look.

Straw hair
and beige lipstick?

It's the new
California look, right?

- Yeah, for dead
Californians.
- ( groans )

Don't be sad,
we can help you.

( gasps )

( sighs )
I love it.

( all laugh )

You're fired.

Now we don't have
any money for rent.

This is so hard!

I miss Mikey
and poor Frank is dead.

When they find us,
we're dead too.

What are you doing?

- We need to get drunk.
- What?

( dance music playing )

( disco music playing )

( cheering )

( whistles )

- Man: Shake it, girls.
- ( wolf whistles )

* Shake your groove thing,
shake your groove thing,
yeah, yeah *

* Show 'em
how to do it now *

* Shake your groove thing,
shake your groove thing *

* Yeah, yeah

* Show 'em
how to do it now *

* Show 'em how
to do it now... *

- They sound great.
- They're lip-synching.

* Bad enough
to strut our stuff *

* The music gives us
a chance... *

- Mary?
- Yes, Mary?

Did you hear,
they're moving
their act to Vegas.

- Wow.
- This is it.

If we could do
our act here,
I could die happy.

Can anyone
audition?

Yes, I can.
We're going
to get the job.

Don't get your
hopes up, sweetie,
it's an audition.

We have to
practice tomorrow.

Ooh, I know what
we're going to wear--
chickapow!

( cheering )

* We've got the rhythm
tonight! *

( whispers )

- Are you crazy?
- Why not?

- Because we're women.
- No one needs to know that.

No way, Connie,
no way.

Ready? Smile.

Yeah?

( deeper voice )
Mary, we heard you were
looking for a new act.

That's right--
Mr.... Mary.

Doll, stop praying,
you're looking at
the second coming.

Sign in.

Go backstage,
you're on last.

- God, I'm beautiful.
- Where does he find that?

- Grab your tapes.
- Here you go, girl.

- Tape, your tape.
- Thank you.

Here, here, here, here.

- Go again, eh?
- Thanks.

This isn't working.

All right, try this.

( deep voice )
Girl, what you wearing,
your prom dress?

( deep voice )
Girl, what you wearing
your prom dress for?

( snaps )
Better?

- Mm-hmm.
- What about our voices?

- Way too high to be guys.
- See, this is going
to lower the key.

( tape squeaks )

Don't forget to adjust
on the harmony.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Carla, come on,
throw your shoulders back--
have some attitude.

It hurts.
These tight tops
make us so flat.

Right, we look
just like them,
except they have these.

There...

Al and Mikey were right,
we are dreamers.

That audience
is going to see
straight through us.

- It could get ugly.
- Carla, for one night
we get to sing again.

Come on, chins up,
boobs out, it's show time.

- Shazaam.
- ( laughs )

( recording playing )
* It's just a jump
to the left *

* Then a step
to the right *

* With your hands
on your hips *

* You bring your knees
in tight *

* But it's the pelvic thrust

* That really
drives you insane *

* Let's do
the Time Warp again. *

Man:
That's awful.

( sparse clapping )

Bar manager:
How about a big...

hand for our very own

Peaches N' Cream?

That's enough hitting me
with that duster.

- I loved it.
- You were better than me.

All right, our next act
is in town from... Winnipeg.

They're new,
so be nice.

- You didn't tell
him our real names?
- I took care of it.

Please welcome
Al and Mikey.

( piano music playing )

Oh-- "Cabaret,"
original.

Wait, it's Liza-- again.

- I can't do it.
- Yes, you can.

No...

( crowd chatting )

* Maybe this time

* I'll be lucky

* Maybe this time
he'll stay *

* Maybe this time *

* For the first time

* Love won't hurry away...

Is she singing?

Yes, he is.

* He will hold me fast

* I'll be home
at last *

* Not a loser anymore *

* Like the last time

* And the time before

* Everybody *

* Loves a winner

* So nobody loved me

* Lady Peaceful

* Lady Happy

* That's what
I long to be *

* All the odds are *

* In my favor *

* Something's bound
to begin *

* It's gotta happen

* Happen sometime

* Maybe this time *

* Maybe this time

* I'll win.

- Bravo.
- ( cheering )

Oh my God.

- ( giggles )
- Thank you.

We're Connie...

And Carla.

Hit it.

( piano playing )

* I'm just a girl
who cain't say no *

* I'm in a turrible fix

* I always say
come on, let's go *

* Just when I oughta say--

* Don't cry for me,
Argentina *

* The truth is
I never left you *

* All through
my wild days *

* My mad existence

* I kept my promise

* Don't keep your distance

* Have I said
too much? *

* There's nothing
more I can think of
to say to you *

* But all you have to do

* Is look at me to know

* That every word

* Is true *

All:
* Don't cry for me,
Argentina *

* The truth is
I never left you *

* All through my wild days

* My mad existence

* I kept my promise

* Don't keep your distance.

( cheering )

( Connie squealing )

- What just happened?
- Oh my God.

You guys, where the hell
did you queens come from?

The "Evita" stuff
made me tingle.

The "Evita" stuff
made me tingle.

Wednesdays and Sundays--
200 a week.

300 a week
and 10% of the door.

No way, okay, fine.

Congratulations,
you guys were fabulous.

- Thanks.
- Thank you.

Come on, Toto.

Having trouble making
ends meet-- not the first time.

May not be able
to pay you that much.

- That's okay.
- Yeah.

See you tomorrow,
Connie and Carla.

Ooooh-- they all know
our real names.

Who cares? We're in!
Oh my God, we're in.

Oh, Carla,
we're in, we're in.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Chorus:
* You coax the blues
right out of the horn *

* Mame

* You charm the husk
right off of the corn... *

- ( phone rings )
- * Mame

- * You've got the banjos
strummin'... *
- Hello.

Rudy:
Tibor, what are you doing?
Are they there?

No, Rudy, they're not here.
Hey, what about tracing
the license plate?

( mocks )
What about tracing
the license plate?

If you had written
it down, idiot!

Carla:
* You'll be lost

* You'll be
so so sorry *

* When I'm gone

* Sleep and I shall
soothe you *

* Calm you
and anoint you *

- * Myrrh for your
hot forehead *
- * Oh

* Then you'll feel
everything's all right *

* Yes, everything's fine *

* Close your eyes,
close your eyes
and relax *

* Because everything's fine.

( cheering )

- You've been great.
- You've been real.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

You know...

it's hard to meet
a guy in this town,

let alone in Nazareth.

Hey, Carla, I feel sorry
for Mary Magdalene.

Oh, why is that, Connie?

She finally decides
to mend her ways,

go on the straight
path and she falls
for this guy--

33 years old,
still living
with his mother,

who's never gonna accept
a shiksa with a past
for a daughter-in-law.

( all laugh )

I love it.
I can finally say
what I think.

I know.
When we were doing
the show in Chicago

and you would say,
you know, dirty stuff,

I could feel
the audience going,

"Oh no, don't do that.
Where's my dessert?"

- But now, dressed like a guy...
- We can say anything we want.

...but with LA men,
the bulge in their pants
is a cell phone.

( all laughing )

All right, that's it.
I have not seen you laugh
once tonight.

Can you not see
how fabulous we are?

I love the show.

Mary, that is scary,
your face doesn't move
when you talk.

Oh... botox.

Cow poison?

( gasps )
Oh, no.

How many of you deaden
your wrinkles with that crap?

Hmm,

four, huh?

- Five.
- Oh, come on,
be honest.

( laughing )

Connie:
Yeah, mmm-hmm.

Boys and girls,
God put us on this earth
to have a laugh,

hence the term
"laugh lines."

( deep laugh )

That's what it looks like.
Do yourselves a favor,

let your eyes crinkle,
let your skin wrinkle.

Our lines show
that we've lived.

If he doesn't love you
when you look like a map,
tell him to hit the road.

( cheering )

Wow, good one.

What you got there,
Carla?

Well, Connie,
I do believe

it's time
for "South Pacific"
sing-along!

( cheering )

There you go,
get it around
your neck.

Come on people,
get 'em on.

There you go.

- They're so much fun.
- I wish I had the nerve
to sing live.

I wish
I had the nerve
to be that good.

- We are such idiots.
- Don't be mean to us,

just because you
look fat in white.

I do--
Look at how busy
we're getting.

Are you guys thinking
what I'm thinking?

- No more Spandex?
- No, sweetie.

Well then,
what honey?

If you can't lick 'em,
join 'em.

- Who's getting licked?
- ( chuckles )

- ( piano music playing )
- ( cheering )

* I'm gonna wash that man
right outta my hair *

* I'm gonna wash that man
right outta my hair *

* I'm gonna wash that man
right outta my hair *

- * And send him
on his way *
- ( cheering )

* I'm gonna wave that man
right outta my arms *

* I'm gonna wave that man
right outta my arms *

* I'm gonna wave that man
right outta my arms *

* And send him on his way.

We are geniuses.

Do you know where
the scissors are?

I think they're
in the kitchen
in the third drawer.

- Okay.
- ( knocks )

I spy your little eye.

It's the bartender
from downstairs.

- Hello? I can hear you.
- Connie: Give me that.
Put it on.

What's going on in there,
you can't say hi?

Connie:
The guacamole.

I can't hear them.
Should we go?

- How're you doing?
- What's going on?

- Welcome wagon.
- We live on the top floor.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Oh... dear,
girlfriends need a decorator.

- Hi, I'm Paul.
- I'm Brian. My stage
name's "Patty Melt."

By day, I'm Robert.
This is my roommate, Lee.

By night, we're a duo act
Peaches N' Cream.

- I hate our name.
- I think it's beautiful.

That's because you're
the Peaches part,
I'm N' Cream.

My name is N' Cream.
What does it even mean?

- Carla: That's really nice.
- Fabulous.

Come, come on,
come on, join us.

All queens rise.

O blessed Saint Mary
of Drag Queens,

please grant your
never humble servants

and our new friends
with grace,

jewels and support hose.

- All: Gay-men.
- Gay-men.

And bless me
with a new name.

- Hello?
- I don't even
have a drag name.

- Why not?
- What's up with that?

I'm new,
so I can't name myself.

- You want N' Cream?
- No, thanks.

- Rosemary Chicken.
- Eh.

- Mary Queen of Shots?
- Uh-uh.

- Estée Louder
Harder Faster?
- What?

- Ooh, can I borrow this?
- Hey, hey, what time is it?

- 5:00-ish?
- The show.

We have to shave...
everything.

You're lucky
to be paid to perform.

- Sorry?
- Excuse me?

- What?
- All: Perform.

There are very few
paying drag gigs
in this town.

I have to bartend
at the Handlebar,
and it's beneath me.

So, here it is.

Have you ever
thought about adding a few
fabulous friends to your show?

If you need choreography,
I know fabulous
dance steps.

- I'm great with wigs.
- I can sew a dress
in three hours.

I'll lend you my jewels.

Call us.
We could use the buck.

- We'll give it
some thought.
- Great.

Excellent. Come on,
you guys, let's go
clean our apartment.

- For your brother?
- You invited him over?

- Are you drunk?
- A little.

Robert left home
when was just 16.

- Robert: Brian!
- I'm glad I don't have
a straight brother.

Now, now,
we mustn't be prejudiced,
straights are people too.

Come on.

Look at all
the people, Carla.

- ( door slams )
- ( both scream )

* Don't tell me not
to live, just sit
and putter *

* Life's candy
and the sun's
a ball of butter *

* Don't bring around
a cloud to rain
on my parade *

* Don't tell me not to fly,
I've simply got to *

* If someone takes a spill
it's me and not you *

* Who told you
you're allowed to rain
on my parade? *

* I'm gonna live
and live now *

* Get what I want,
I know how *

* One roll
for the whole shebang *

* One throw, that bell
will go clang *

* Eye on the target
and wham *

* One shot, one gunshot
and bam! *

* Hey, Mr. Arnstein

- * Here I am!
- ( cheering )

* I'll march my band out

* I'll beat my drum

* And if I'm fanned out

* Your turn at bat, sir

- * At least I didn't fake it
- * Hat, sir, I guess
I didn't make it *

* Get ready for me, love,
'cause I'm a comer *

* I've simply got to march,
my heart's a drummer *

* Nobody, no, nobody

* Is gonna

* Rain on my

- * Parade...
- ( cheering )

Connie:
Oh, shush.

Oh, all right.

Enough already.

Yeah, that's right.
Yeah.

- That looks great.
- I'm glamorizing
our new look a bit.

I mean, under the lights,
these could be great,

especially on turns.

- ( beads clattering )
- Woo, these could be dangerous.

( laughs )
Yeah.

- Aw.
- What?

It's just, it's great
to see you happy.

Come on, admit it,
you do love the show.

Yeah, it's a drag,
pun intended.

Hey, my plan worked.

Yeah, I'm worried about
how well known we're getting.

- Only in West Hollywood.
- And I miss--

- Don't say Mikey.
- Boys.

I miss boys
who like to kiss girls.

Forget it, okay?
Because we have no time
for losers

and we can't blow
our cover.

Are you there?
I lost you.

Now I hear ya.
Now I lost you.

Robert,
are you all right?

Sure,
I'm just going to go
meet my brother

for the first time
in 106 years.

- Did you have a fight?
- Robert: No.

Look, I haven't had
any contact with my family

in a long time--

my choice.

Six months ago,
I get a little sentimental
watching TV--

Hallmark commercials.

So I send my grandma
a birthday card

with my return address
label on it.

So then my brother
starts coming around,

starts leaving me messages,
"Hey, let's be brothers again."

- You don't want a brother?
- ( sighs )

He's just gonna hate me.

No, he won't.

Does he know
you dress with style?

Yeah, I told him on the phone.

I figured I'd go
without the ball gown,

just to ease him
into things.

Let me see.

There you go.
Blue is your best color.

Thanks, sweetie.

Well, this was a mistake.

( groans )

* You coax the blues
right out of the horn *

* Mame *

* You charm the husk
right off of the corn *

- * Mame...
- Hello, Rudy, it's Tibor.

- What do you got?
- I'm in St. Louis.
They're not here.

Hey, I'm down a kilo
and I'm up two witnesses!

- Find them!
- * ...Since you brought
Dixie back to Dixieland *

* You make the cotton
easy to pick... *

- Oh, for God sake, what?
- What?

What are you doing?
Following me?

- Watching every move I make?
- I'm not watching you.

I just thought it would be
fun to hang out.

- Why?
- Why not?

- Why?
- Why not?

- Grow up.
- You grow up.

- You grow up.
- Make me.

At least do some
shopping yourself.

Please.

- Mom likes irises too.
- Save it for Dr. Phil.

Okay.

- Hi, Mrs. Phillips.
- Hi, Mrs. Phillips.

Hello.

I thought it'd be nice
to spend a beautiful
Saturday--

Why this sudden interest
in my after all this time?

For a long time,
I couldn't find you,
remember?

And I think I'm gonna
marry someone.

And if that's gonna happen,
I want you to be there.

Oh...

Come on, I need cheese.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, yeah.

- ( phone rings )
- Oh.

- That's my girlfriend.
- Take it, I'll see
if they're home.

( knocks )

Robert:
Bonjour, my filles...

c'est moi.

- Hello.
- Sorry, sorry.

Ouvre la porte.

- Here, your hair.
- I got it.

- Get your robe.
- Take it with you.

- Get a robe, get a robe.
- Here it is, take that.

I hear running.

- How're you doing?
- What's going on?

Wow, good look.
( chuckles )

So how's it going
with your brother?

Jeff!

I'll call you later.

Jeff, these
are my girlfriends,
the "Connie and Carla."

Hi, Jeff, welcome
to the dollhouse. Want me
to condition your hair?

No, I ran a cream rinse
through it this morning,
so I'm good.

So, I'll take a rain check.

( snaps )

You all work
at the Handlebar too?

- Oh, yeah, we all
work there.
- Work?

Jeff, these broads
have transformed that dive
into a legit cabaret.

I wish I was in that show.

- Hint.
- All right.

- Hint.
- We heard you.

- Hint.
- Back off.

All right, get out
of my way.

Let's get out
of here.

Oh, hello.

- Hi, I'm Brian,
this is Paul and Lee.
- I'm Robert's best friend.

- His what?
- Best friend.

- He's also my roommate.
- Come see my apartment.

- No, ours.
- Down, girls, down.

Are you hungry?
You like fish sticks?

I make them Filipino style.
They taste just like chicken.

- ( sighs )
- Oh my God.

Oh, I like him.

I saw him before
when were still girls.

He was standing out front.
We had this moment, Carla.

- He was nice to me.
- What are you talking about?

Right.
Why would he ever be
attracted to me?

- I'm a drag queen.
- No...

- you can't blow
our cover for some guy.
- Oh, yeah, I know.

I know.

I know.
( groans )

- Thanks.
- Have a good show tonight.

Stanley, we want to add
some friends to the act.

You got to get
a food license
and expand this place.

Here's my plan.
We're adding more leg,
you got to add legroom.

What would that cost?

I'll add up
some figures.

Excuse me,
I'll be back.

- What are you doing?
- What?

This show is our destiny
waiting to happen--
dinner theater.

We can't expand.
We'll get even more well known

and word will travel
straight to those killers.

- They're not looking
for drag queens.
- How do you know?

They're serious,
they have connections.

They haven't found us.
They're not connected
to this world.

- We're safe,
we're drag queens.
- You're a freak.

Yeah, and you're
a freak with me.

* You coax the blues
right out of the horn *

* Mame...

Tibor:
No, no, yes, no, no, Rudy,
I'm telling you,

I have seen almost
everything on Broadway.
They're not in it.

I saw "Gypsy" last night.
They're not there.

I saw "Rent,"

which was surprising
to be so poignant,

with a narrative added to
by emotional performances

which bring the audiences
into the story.

Intimate story?
Intimate story, I got
an intimate story.

- I'm gonna kill you
if you don't--
- Okay, okay, okay.

I have good news.

I got a ticket
to the matinee of "Hairspray."

Hello?

Lee:
Five, six,
seven, eight.

And knee up
and hands at your side.
Chickapow.

Charleston, Charleston.

Downstage, do-si-do.

- Let it--
- Ow.

- Robert: Carla!
- What? He pushed me.

- I am a trained dancer.
- Yeah, right.

Connie, Carla,
move more like this.
Hide all your masculinity.

- Chickapow.
- No one fall on me
this time, I'm delicate.

- All right,
Crystal Decanter.
- That's not my name.

- How about Patty,
like me, Patty Cake?
- No.

- Patty O'Furniture.
- No.

- Patty Pooper.
- No.

- ( chuckles )
- Great, can we all
please dance now?

What's this?
Why do you wear
a bra during the day?

Well, if you must know,

being in drag helps us
practice our moves.

Good falsies.
What do you use?

None of your beeswax.

They're really good.
You should all
have a feel.

- Supple. Good.
- Robert: Oh, they are good.

Hmm.

- Brian: Back to work.
- Okay then.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
No way! Put it back.

No. Whoa, I don't have
this kind of money.

Stanley, here's my plan.

You only have
to do 80% capacity,

you'll make it back
within three months.

All you gotta to pay out now
is the construction.

I got it all
under control.

Sir? Hi, we've talked
about this.

Yeah, the tables have
to be this high, right?
Right.

Why?
Stanley, look at me.

I'm eating my surf-n-turf.
Watching a terrific show.

Eating, watching.
Dinner, theater.
See, dinner theater?

Where do you think
the TV dinner
came from?

- Right, Carla?
- Uh, yeah. This high.

Stanley?
Come on.

All: Stanley?

All: Stanley.

- I'll get a loan
from my mother.
- ( cheers )

( whistles, cheering )

* Life is a cabaret,
ol' chum *

* Only a cabaret,
ol' chum *

* So come to

* The cabaret. *

( cheers, applause )

- Both: Whoa!
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

- I should watch
where I'm going.
- That's okay, doll.

I'm Connie.
I met you.

Oh, yeah.

I'm here to take
Robert out for lunch.

Just-- you know.

That's nice.

Well, he's my brother.

So... taking him out...
taking him out to lunch.

- Well, you're nice.
- You're nice, too.

I mean, uh...
you know...

Hello!
I'll be right down.

- What?
- ( softly ) Aiyiyi.

I have to go to the show
after lunch, so I dressed.

Is there a problem?

Jeff?

- You want to cancel?
- No! No, no, no.

- I'll be right down.
- Oh, boy.

Take him to the Tube
around the corner.

The owner's one of us.
People won't stare as much.

- Thank you.
- Sure.

You like my garbage?

Um... a little bit.

Anything good in there?

Hey, sweetie.

- Robert.
- Nails.

Nails.

* You coax the blues
right out of the horn *

* Mame

- * You charm the husk
right off of the corn *
- ( phone rings )

- * Mame
- Rudy: Tibor!

- Mama's pizza.
- Knock it off.

- You're telling me
you found them, right?
- No, not yet.

- Come on.
- Maybe you put someone
at Mexico border

- to search for their car?
- That's a great idea.

I'll put somebody
at the Canadian border
and we can put--

( singing along )
* You make the cotton
easy to pick *

* Mame *

* You give my old
mint julep a kick *

* Mame

* You make the old
magnolia tree blossom
with the mention of your name *

* You make me
feel alive again *

* You given me
the drive again *

* To make the South
alive again *

* Mame.

- ( grunts )
- Whoa, Nelly.

- You okay?
- Yeah, are you okay?

Yeah, padding.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Robert's out
having a manicure.

- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.

- Here, here.
- Oh.

- Want to come over?
- What?

No, no, no,
I have something--

I have some--
I have a--

I got a prior commitment.

No problem.

( sighs )

Um...

you know,
the other day when I said
that you were nice?

I meant it,
you are very nice.

I just meant it
in a...

a friendly way.

I'm not gay.

- Neither am I.
- What?

Nothing,
it's complicated.

- I bet.
- Mm-hmm.

- All right, all right.
- Okay, good.

- All right, okay.
- See ya.

Hey, do straight guys
drink coffee?

- What do you do for a living?
- How long you been
a drag queen?

- Sorry.
- I'm sorry, I just...

I've never...

known a cross-dressing
person before.

- You know your brother.
- Oh yeah... no...

- it's been a long time.
- Yeah, it's hard.

It's hard, but I'm
a bit of an optimist.

- Me too.
- I'm stubborn.
I don't give up.

I wasn't always
in a successful show.

And I had this friend,

he told me to give up.

He called me a dreamer.

- That's not very nice.
- Yeah.

Well...

( humming )

- I got to go.
- Okay.

I just want to know
why you do it.

Why you like to dress up,
you guys.

- Oh...
- I'm sorry,
that's personal.

No, that's okay.

It's kinda like this--

it's like dressing
how you feel inside.

You know?
You know what, Jeff?

I haven't known your brother
for very long, but I think--

I mean, I think
he's happy.

We've only
got one life.

It's just strange
that my brother's out
getting a manicure.

- What, haven't you
ever had one?
- Oh God, no.

You live in LA.
Everybody gets their--

- backs waxed,
and things plucked--
- I don't pluck.

I-I never--
I've never been plucked--

And I don't do manicures.

- Connie: Relax your hand.
- I'm relaxed.

Wait, look at it,
it's like a claw.

Okay, I'm relaxed.

- Open.
- No polish, though.

Deal.

And?

Nothing.

Oh come on,
spill it.

Only because we're
talking guy to guy.

- Right.
- I've been seeing
this woman.

- You got a girlfriend.
- I'm going to propose.

We're at that stage
where I should make
a commitment, but--

I'm not really sure
if we're right
for one another.

She doesn't
make me laugh.

You got to get out.
You gotta pull the cord
on that mission. Abort!

That could be me
being afraid to take it
to the next level.

I had this girlfriend once
who told me I had issues
about getting too close.

I stopped talking to her.

Have you told
your girlfriend about Robert?

No.

- But you're going to?
- Oh yeah.

No.

Maybe.

No.

I've really got to go now.
This was fun.

I've never missed
a day of work.
I work all the time.

- Oh yeah.
- But it's nice
just to hang out.

Thanks
for the manicure.

- Don't tell anybody.
- Okay.

( sighs )

Lee: Aren't you nervous?
How can you eat at
a time like this?

I can't believe it!
Hoy! Is there lipstick
on my teeth?

- No.
- Liar!

( laughing )
Let's go.

- Chickapow!
- Chickapow!

Where were you today?

- Hm?
- You were supposed
to meet me.

I thought we were
gonna go shopping.

You know, Carla,
maybe we should watch
our weight a little.

We practically need olive oil
to grease the zippers
on these costumes.

What?! Don't go
all LA on me, Connie.

All these women
come to our show
and idolize us

because as men, we have better
female self-esteem than they do.

Boy, you have some nerve.

- You all right?
- No!

I was at that mall
all day by myself, Connie.

People stared at me.

I felt naked.

I can't hide out
like this much longer.

I need to get
out of this closet!

- Well, you can't!
- ( sighs )

Come on,
let's go.

A polar bear walks into a bar
and says, "I'll have a...

...beer."
Bartender says,

"What's with big pause?"

And the polar bear says,

- "Always had 'em."
- ( crowd groaning )

- Man: You suck!
- You're outta here, Brad!

All right, well,
please welcome...

Connie and Carla
and the Belles of the Balls!

( cheering )

( "Let Me Entertain You"
playing)

* Let me

* Entertain you *

* Let me make you smile

* Let me do a few tricks,
some old and then
some new tricks *

* I'm very versatile

* And if you're real good,
I'll make you feel good *

* I want your spirits
to climb *

* So let me

* Entertain you

* And we'll have
a real good time, yes, sir *

* We'll have
a real good time. *

( cheering )

Ladies and gentlemen,
good evening.

Welcome to the show.

- Aren't we all divine?
- ( cheers )

- Here's the show we have
planned for you tonight.
- Wait, wait, stop!

I have an announcement
to make.

- It's time you all knew.
- ( softly ) Carla, don't.

I...

am...

an eater!

( cheers )

That's right,
ladies and gentlemen,

and soon we're gonna be
a full-service dinner theater.

This is what America needs--

to eat and watch a show
where real women are real women.

- ( cheers )
- If you're naturally
slim, fine, okay,

but come on!
Starving ourselves
to get thin?

No hips, no breasts,
until we look just
like little boys.

Girlfriends,
big or small,

thin or fat,
worship that body!

It's the only one
you've got.

( cheering )

Hit it!

* So

* Let me entertain you *

* And we'll have
a real good time, yes, sir *

* We'll have

- * A real good--
- * A real good time!

Good night, Stanley.

- Ow!
- ( grunts )

- ( chuckles )
- Jeff: Oy...

( chuckling )
Oh man...

Here you go.

Thank you.

Cotton absorbs.

Uh...

I'm surprised they don't
market it like that.

Mm-hmm...

( spits )

I-I'm looking for Robert.

His cell phone is off.
Uh, is he in there?

No, she's gone.
You missed our show.

I'm not ready to see that yet--
no offense about your job.

None taken.
I'm not itching to come
and watch you flip burgers.

I'm a financial advisor.

Of course.
I can smell
the stress on you.

I'm not as uptight
as you think I am.

Yes, you are.

- ( loud music playing )
- ( chattering )

Hey, bartender!
I'm thirsty!

Hey, why are you--

why are you different
when you're away from
the other drag queens?

- What do you mean?
- It's like there's
some kind of

drag queen code of behavior
or something, you know,

it's like...

"Stripes? Mary,
Holy Martha Stewart's
Prison Collection!

I-I-I got three words
for you, Miss Thing.

No, no, no and--

four words-- yesterday!"

- ( laughing )
- That's ridiculous!
What is that?

What-- what--
what was that?

Oh please, don't make me
do it again, I think
I pulled something.

I wanna figure it out.
I really do. I mean, are you--

What's the thrill?
Are you hiding?

- Actually, I am hiding.
- Yeah?

Some murderers are after me,
and I'm hiding out
as a drag queen.

Really, really.
I'm asking you really.
I'd like to know.

I wanna figure
this whole thing out.
I mean--

Is this the real you?
Or are you--

playing dress-up?

Do you understand?
Are you playing dress-up?

Or is this the real you?

I don't think you could
handle the real me.

You'd be all,
"Oh, I want my mommy!"

( both laugh )

- Uh-uh.
- It's true.

So a real woman
doesn't scare you?

No! But, Connie,
you're not...

- a real woman.
- Oh, you'd be surprised, baby.

I know your type.
You like uptight girls.

That is not true.
That is so not true.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Am I your type?

- Sure. Yeah.
- You think
I'm attractive?

Connie, I've never seen
you out of drag, but--

I have to say that as a broad,
you're a real looker.

Ah.
( laughs )

Can I get another one please?

( gags )

Tibor: I have been
to dinner theaters in Idaho,
to cabarets in Kansas...

I have watched every show
in this whole country.

Connie and Carla
have disappeared.

Al:
You're just mad because
Connie didn't call you.

Get it through
that chunk-a-head of yours:

Connie and Carla--
they're gone!

Rudy: Hey!

Sorry, Mr. Rudy.

Who are you?

I'm Al.
I'm new.

What's your problem, Al?

Mikey. His girlfriend
took off on him and...

th-that's all.

I love a good story.

So... where are
Connie and Carla?

Ah, we don't know.

But Mikey says he got
a hang-up call last night.

Caller-ID said area code 323.

- Los Angeles.
- Oh.

What a story.

Listen, you guys
are useless to me
here like this.

What I want you to do
is I want you to go
out there,

and I want you
to find your girls.

- ( chuckles ) Are you serious?
- And when you do,

call me.

( chuckles )

- Why?
- I gotta know how it ends.

( chuckles )
Mr. Rudy...

oh, thank you.
Thanks.

Follow that idiot.

Uh... I already saw you.

Hello? I--

Hey!

- Wait!
- Look, I'm not--

- I know you're not.
It was a mistake.
- A big mistake.

- Can't we be friends?
- No. No, we can't.

I mean, I-I--
I don't have time
for this.

This whole thing, okay?
It's not normal.

Don't you think it's weird,
Mr. Rudy giving us this cash
to come out?

- He cares about me.
- Since when?

- I'm not sure.
- There's some things
about Mr. Rudy

that might surprise you.
I heard some stuff.

- What did I do?
- Did you find a map?

- ( horn honks )
- Want a ride?

You missed rehearsal
this morning.

Ugh, Carla,
please.

I just got dumped.

What are you
talking about?

How could I not know?
What, the straight guy?

Yeah, but he thinks I'm a guy,
so it's over before
it even started.

Isn't that Jeff?

Oh yeah, that's interesting.

( engine shuts off )

- It's Jeff? Are you crazy?
- Why the throat?!

- You must be
out of your mind!
- Your knee is in my coochie!

- Get off!
- Are you sick?

Do you have a death wish?
Why would you take a chance
on exposing us?

He'll talk about it
to Robert. She'll talk.

People will talk!
Then those guys will
find and kill us.

Your voice is giving me mono!
Nothing happened! Back off!

( gasps )

You yelled at me.

We're fighting.
We never fight.
What's happening to us?

We're having
a nervous breakdown.

Maybe we're having
a delayed reaction

- to the trauma of being shot
at, like those guys in 'Nam.
- You can't say "'Nam."

You weren't in "'Nam"!
You have to call it Vietnam!

Shut up! I can call it
what I want.

Oh God, I kissed Jeff,
I kissed Jeff

and I want to kiss him again
without my wig!

You can't, Connie!
You can't!

- You did?
- Just my luck.

I meet the guy of my dreams
and he's straight.

Look at us!
We're ridiculous.
I can't do this anymore.

Shut up, Connie!
We're in this because of you.

It was your idea to borrow money
for new costumes even though
you knew Frank was a gangster.

So because of you,
we saw him get killed.

And then we-- yes we--
got shot at.

Shot at with real guns.
And that white powder?
That was cocaine.

You got us mixed up
with some real criminals--
murderers.

And it was your stupid idea
to be drag queens and now
we're in hiding for life

as women dressed as men
dressed as women, so shut up!
Shut up! Shut up!

I--

You've been weird.

Cut it out.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

Brian:
Girls, we need help!

- Girls! Open the door!
- ( banging )

- Peaches and Jeff
are fighting. Come on!
- Let's go quick!

You won't even
go inside.

You won't dare to look
at the show.

I've asked you and asked you.
You won't do it.

Robert, I have invested
days and energy in this
relationship. I'm trying.

But you gotta
give me a break.

It's hard for me
to see you like this.

You can't pick and choose
the parts of me...

that don't make you
sick to your stomach.

You can't have
half a relationship
with me, Jeff.

Jeff?

Jeff:
Oh my God.

What are you--
what are you doing here?

- It's not what you think--
- Jeff, I can see that.

- So this is what
you've been up to?
- No--

Sneaking around when you
said you were working?

( whispers )
That's his girlfriend.

- I thought you were
seeing other women.
- No, Mary.

Her name is Mary.

Jeff?

Introduce me
to your girlfriend.

Mary...

this is Robert...

my brother.

- Oh...
- Connie: Okay...

we're gonna give you guys
some privacy.

Jeff, they're freaks.

( huffs )

( sighs )

She's fine, he's fine,
everything's all right.
Let's leave her alone.

- Maybe a glass of water.
- My heart's pounding.

I thought she was
gonna kill that girl.

The one who should
watch out is that Jeff.

I'm going to knock him
into next week, I swear
to God.

( Connie sighs )

( sighs )

Ouch, you know?

Yeah.

Christ.

Let's eat.

( laughing )

And he wouldn't stop
asking me questions.

It was like I was
Professor Cross-Dresser.

Like he says,
"Why are you called
drag queens?

Nobody's being dragged.
You're not dragging anything."

- It comes from Shakespeare.
- Really?

Yeah, he'd write
so-and-so enters

and in the margin,
he'd put the initials
D-R-A-G--

so-and-so enters
dressed as a girl.

Drag, okay,
Shakespeare,

- how about "Ophelia Up"?
- No.

- ( chuckles )
- Wanda DeCountryside?

- It's not me.
- Devoida Talent?

- Stop it
- ( laughing )

Brian:
I like Wanda DeCountryside.

What are you
looking here for?
That's your side.

- Turn around,
look over there.
- ( chattering )

Come by later
if you want to talk.

Oh, sweetie,
I am all talked out.

Hey?
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- You okay?
- Yeah, I got guy problems.

Oh, sweetie.

Come on.

Welcome to
"What's Up, LA?"

A dinner theater
that's full of drag queens?

- Holy stockings! Gorgeous--
- ...ice cream sundae.

- Connie and Carla.
- ( gasps )

There you are.
If you could spare us
five minutes...

- ( screaming )
- Tell how you've become
such a big hit

in West Hollywood.
Just tell us something.

Don't be shy,
you've made a big splash.

- It's just a local station.
- Our viewers are dying
to know you.

- Okay.
- Connie and Carla, what makes
you the best drag queens ever?

( snaps )
Honey, we do
our own singing.

No lip-synching
for us, toots.

We do all your favorite
show tunes wrapped in
a delicious dinner.

That was a big mistake.

We've been flirting
with disaster since
we went on stage.

- Carla! Connie.
- ( screams )

- What are you doing here?
- What's going on?

- How did you find us?
- How come you're a guy now?

Connie, I think a lot
of people just saw that.

But it's local news,
there's no way that Russian
or Rudy guy saw it.

- Mr. Rudy, our boss.
- You work for Rudy?

- He sent us to find you.
- ( screams )

- Why? What the hell?
- Tell Rudy we want to live.

We're not going
to tell anybody
he killed poor Frank.

- Wait, he killed Frank?
- Yeah.

- You should listen to the guys.
- We saw him kill Frank.

- To death.
- What happened?

Rudy knows you're in LA.
We've got to get out of town.

We can't,
the official opening
is tomorrow night.

We can't let everybody down,
they're depending on us.

- We can't do that to Stanley.
- Why'd you cheat on me, Mikey?

I didn't, Carla, ever.

Al just made that up
'cause he was mad at Connie.

Come on, Carla,
don't go be a guy.

You don't understand,
Mikey, I like doing
the show.

I'm good at it.
I like being Carla
and Connie.

- "Connie and Carla."
- How come your name's
always first?

- It sounds better.
- This is serious.

- We know.
- So, let's go already.

I need time to think.
Your voice is giving me
shingles.

We need time.
Connie's gonna
make a plan.

- I'm gonna make a plan.
- She's gonna make a plan.

Fine, call us at this motel,
room 209, first thing
in the morning.

- Want to stay over?
- Yeah--

- Carla, let's go.
- Call me.

- Connie, miss me?
Yeah, you did.
- Connie: No.

Rudy, I find them.

( knocks )

- I'm an ass.
- ( scoffs )

I should've seen
your show and told my
girlfriend about you.

I should have
just loved you
and accepted you

and been okay
with the fact that
you wear dresses.

I'm sorry, Robbie.

It's just that
when you left home
it was hard on me.

I was 12 years old.
I wake up one morning,
you're just gone.

- You didn't call me,
you never even wrote to me.
- I got kicked out.

- What? No--
- Mom and Dad kicked me out.

They found my bra.

You thought I left?

- Yeah...
- ( sighs )

Whatever happened,

Mom regrets it.

- She does?
- Oh, yeah. Dad too.

- ( scoffs )
- ( chuckles )

No, they want to see you.

Jeff, for the first time
in my life I like who I am.

Forget it.

I just-- I don't know.

I want to be part
of your life.

I'll say hi to Mom
and Dad for you.

- And Grandma too.
- Okay.

Oh and, Jeff,
just a heads up,

my roommate, N' Cream

is on a tear
to kick your ass.

N' Cream, the--?
Oh, the little--

Yeah, the...

- Tell him to bring it.
- Make a joke, I warned you.

- Thanks for the warning.
- Go, go, go.

( knocks )

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Robert's not here.
- I know, I just came
from up there.

- Uh-huh.
- About the other night,
I wanted to--

Yeah.
How's Mary?

We talked about things
for hours.

It's not good, I mean
the relationship, it's--

we broke up.

Oh...

I wanted to apologize
to you.

You're not freaks,
you're not a freak.

I hated seeing you hurt.

Thanks, Jeff.

I have fun
when I'm with you--
all of you.

- It's just, I'm not--
- I know, you told me.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Man:
Good morning, LA.

Looking at the freeways,
three cars

have gotten together
on the 101 at Winnetka...

Mikey, Connie
and Carla will call.

I know.

- Woman: Sahara Motel.
- Hi, room 209.

- I'll connect you.
- ( phone rings )

- Hello?
- Hi, Al.

- Connie.
- We're coming--

- Rudy's on his way.
- What?

- He's gonna kill us all.
We gotta get out of here.
- Okay, bye.

Mikey talked to a guy from work.
Rudy's on his way to LA.
We've got to go.

No.

Carla,
we're going to die.

I'm so sorry
for dragging you
into this mess.

I love this mess.

Thank you for dragging me--
pun intended.

Who says they're gonna
find us in this big city?

Would they be looking
for a couple of queens?

Here's my plan:
We launch the show.
We stay for one night.

The audience sees how great
the guys are and they come back,

- and Stanley
doesn't lose any money.
- That's a good plan.

I know.

( laughs )

One night.

One last show.

- Okay?
- Okay.

I've been thinking,
we should have
the guys enter

from the back of the house
on "Good Morning, Starshine."

Woman:
Oh honey, if you're gonna
enter from the house,

you've gotta do it
on "76 Trombones."

- ( both scream )
- Debbie Reynolds!

( both )
Hi, hi, hi.

Hello there, hello there.

Somebody put a letter
in my mailbox.

I found your house
on the star map.

You know you've got
a pretty hot idea here--
a dinner theater.

- Oh.
- Will you please
be in our show?

Will you? We open tonight,
so there's not a lot
of time to rehearse.

Oh, honey,
I've got sheet music
and gorgeous gowns

and a good underwire bra.
I could go on now.

( both squeal, laugh )

So chins up, boobs out,
it's show time.

( screams )

( honks )

( applause )

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to welcome you

to the official opening
of Stanley's Dinner Theater--

We love you,
Stanley.

Thank you.

And now please say hello
to the Belles of the Balls

and the one, the only
Connie and Carla!

- Oh, sit back, sweets.
- It's just us.

- Have we got a show for you.
- I hope you brought a change
of panties, 'cause...

* I'm just a girl
who cain't say no *

* I'm in a turrible fix

* I always say
come on, let's go *

* Just when
I oughta say nix *

* When a person tries
to kiss a girl *

* I know she ought
to give his face a smack *

- Smack.
- Smack.

* But as soon
as someone kisses me *

* I somehow sorta want
to kiss 'em back. *

Ladies and gentleman,
please welcome

our very special
guest,

Ms. Debbie Reynolds.

( cheering )

* There are worse
things I could do *

* Doo-wop

* Than go with a boy or two

* Two-wop

* Even though
the neighborhood *

- * Thinks I'm
trashy and no good *
- * Ooh, she's no good

* I suppose it could be true

- * But there's worse
things I could do *
- * Wop.

- * Memory
- ( meowing )

* All alone
in the moonlight *

* I can smile
at the old days *

- Police! Drop the cat.
- * I was beautiful then.

On your knees,
hands in the air.

* Kiss today goodbye

* The sweetness
and the sorrow *

* We did what
we had to do *

* Won't forget,
can't regret *

* What I did for love

* What I did for love

* What I did for love.

* Good morning, Starshine

* The earth says hello

* You twinkle above us

* We twinkle below...

Oh my God,
I can't believe it,
what are we going to do?

( screams )

* Good morning, Starshine,
you lead us along *

- * My love and me
- ( screams )

* As we sing

* Our early morning
singing song. *

( audience claps along,
cheering )

* You coax the blues
right out of the horn *

* Mame

* You charm the husk
right off of the corn *

* Mame

* You've got
the banjos strumming *

* And plunkin' out a tune
to beat the band... *

- ( screams )
- Tibor: Come here!

( screams, gasps )

Connie: Okay.

- ( coughing )
- You've got something
that's mine.

- You killed poor Frank.
- You did!

- Let them go, Mr. Rudy.
- Get lost.

- Kick it, girls.
- * Mame

- Let's go, ladies.
- Oh no.

( grunts )

* Mame.

- ( laughter )
- Take care of the Debbie.

I loved you in
"What's the Matter
With Helen?"

- ( groaning )
- ( grunting, screaming )

( screams )

( laughing )

( yelling )

You screwed up the number,
you bastard!

Ow, ow, ow...

( cheering )

( all screaming )

- Get up.
- No.

( girls whimpering )

Beads.

Hey!

Paul:
Get them!

( cheering )

Lee:
You guys are bad!

Police!
Everybody freeze!

- These are the bad guys.
- The bad guys.

- You got to take them away.
- Cop: All right, ladies,
we'll take it from here.

- He killed fat man!
- He had a gland problem.

- Cop: Cuff 'em.
- You're horrible.
How do you like it?

- Oh, what are you doing?
- Oh, Mikey, I love you.

- I love you.
- Thanks, Al,
you did good.

- No problem, Con.
- Hey, good show.

- All: Thanks.
- You need a baritone?

Yeah, call us
when you get out.

( applause )

Okay, on with the show.
"Mame."

Top of "corn."

Hey, what the hell
was that all about?

Um...
the "Guys and Dolls"
tribute.

Oh, save it, Mary,
what just happened?

Come on, Connie.

Let's tell them
the truth.

No more lies.

( faint chatter )

I'm sure you're
all wondering

what the cops and...

First we owed
some money,

and then we saw
something,

and we've been
hiding for a while

pretending to be
something that we're not.

Hey, who saw "Yentl"?

Barbara Streisand wants
to study the Talmud, right?

But she can't,
because she's a woman.

So she pretends
to be a man,

and one thing
leads to the next

and before
you know it--

Everybody believes
that she's a man.

She has to keep lying.

Even though she wants
to stop, she can't,

'cause she has
to keep lying to people
that she cares about--

you know, that have
been really kind.

Look...

uh...

we're women.
( chuckles )

( scattered laughs )

No, you don't get it,
we're women.

( murmuring )

( gasps, screams )

- ( groans )
- ( chuckles )

( gags )

- We're sorry we lied.
- We're so sorry.

( crowd booing )

- Go home.
- Get off the stage.

Let's go back
to Chicago.

The patio door is shut
and our hair is caught
in it.

- I know.
- Woman: Excuse me.

Excuse me, hello?

Didn't you used to work
at the Slimming Salon?

Yes.

Mrs. Morse?

Well, I don't care
what you are,

you always made me
feel beautiful.

- ( murmuring )
- But we thought you were men,
and you're not really men.

Oh, honey,
who is anymore?

( laughing )

( clapping )

( both giggle )

I thought something
was up.

- Me too.
- No, you didn't.

Robert:
Girls, in an
art form based on

being true
to one's real self,
welcome to your outing.

- Jeff?
- Connie?

Oh, great, more drama.

- You came to my show.
- I love show tunes.

Hey everybody,
this is my brother Jeff.

Crowd:
Hi, Jeff.

Hi...

You look...
you look different.

Jeff, I'm a woman.

( laughs )
Oh, it's an authentic look.

- Yeah, but--
- No, I mean I'm female.

We're girls,
we were faking it.
It's this long story--

Please, we've been over that.

Really.

Really?

- Really?
- Crowd: Yes!

I could get used to that.

Jeff is the guy?

Yeah.

- You're the guy!
- ( chuckles )

Well, get up here
and kiss her, you fool.

( whooping )

( whistling )

- Ooh, the finale.
- Crowd: What?

- The finale.
- Oh.

* There is nothing
like a dame *

* Nothing in the world

* There is nothing
you can name *

* That is anything
like a dame *

* There are no books
like a dame *

* And nothing looks
like a dame *

- * There are no drinks...
- Carla's a big star now.

And I'm her boyfriend.

* Nothing acts like a dame

* Or attracts like a dame

* There ain't
a thing that's wrong
with any man here *

* That can't be cured
by putting him near *

* A girly, womanly,
female, feminine... *

( cries )

* Dame.

( applause )

( both laugh )

( instrumental music playing )