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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:19,149 --> 00:00:20,685 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) 2 00:00:30,572 --> 00:00:33,805 Sorry, my name's Edward and I'm calling from Women's Health Plan I just wondered 3 00:00:33,836 --> 00:00:36,972 whether you had a moment to talk to me today? 4 00:00:37,004 --> 00:00:39,852 Well, what Women's Health is offering at the moment is a cheap and affordable 5 00:00:39,883 --> 00:00:44,908 new health plan that will pay you £30,000 if you're diagnosed with one of 6 00:00:44,940 --> 00:00:48,397 seven types of cancer. Now those seven types of cancer, 7 00:00:48,428 --> 00:00:52,237 are cancers that specifically affect women, you've got breast, 8 00:00:52,268 --> 00:00:54,925 ovaries, cervix, uterus... 9 00:00:54,956 --> 00:00:57,805 You didn't hear any of that? Okay. 10 00:00:57,836 --> 00:01:03,277 Maybe, maybe I'll try you again a bit later on in the week then. Okay... 11 00:01:03,309 --> 00:01:06,765 Yeah, have a lovely afternoon Mrs. Painter, take care, bye-bye. 12 00:01:06,797 --> 00:01:08,397 I do, yeah, have you got a pen and paper? 13 00:01:08,909 --> 00:01:12,781 Yeah, it's 0800 624 623. 14 00:01:14,604 --> 00:01:16,461 Brilliant, yeah, I'll pop that in the post for you today. 15 00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:17,995 Thank you for calling us today, Miss Suresh 16 00:01:18,028 --> 00:01:20,301 and welcome to Women's Health Plan. 17 00:01:20,333 --> 00:01:21,997 Yeah, have a lovely day, bye-bye, bye. 18 00:01:59,597 --> 00:02:01,100 COMEDIAN: But not to worry 19 00:02:01,133 --> 00:02:04,684 'cause it wasn't cancer or chlamydia, it was just syphilis. 20 00:02:04,716 --> 00:02:06,316 (CROWD LAUGHING) 21 00:02:06,348 --> 00:02:10,091 And as I told my girlfriend, what you can't spell can't hurt you. 22 00:02:10,124 --> 00:02:11,085 (CROWD LAUGHING) 23 00:02:13,099 --> 00:02:16,845 Um, you're probably thinking, madam, this couldn't go any lower 24 00:02:16,877 --> 00:02:18,605 but don't worry I'm going to do it. 25 00:02:18,636 --> 00:02:20,429 (CROWD LAUGHING) 26 00:02:20,461 --> 00:02:23,853 I went to a funeral this week, incredibly upsetting, 27 00:02:24,524 --> 00:02:25,548 no Wi-Fi. 28 00:02:25,869 --> 00:02:27,373 (CROWD LAUGHING) 29 00:02:30,092 --> 00:02:31,500 I'll see you guys soon thank you very much. 30 00:02:31,532 --> 00:02:33,036 (CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING) 31 00:02:34,796 --> 00:02:36,429 Barnaby Slater! 32 00:02:36,460 --> 00:02:38,124 We've got two more acts to get through, they're equally brilliant, 33 00:02:38,157 --> 00:02:42,412 so will you all, everyone, start clapping, and whooping and cheering, 34 00:02:42,445 --> 00:02:44,685 -and welcome to the stage the brilliant Mr. Ed Watkins. -(CROWD CHEERING) 35 00:02:48,780 --> 00:02:51,116 -Good evening. -CROWD: Good evening! 36 00:02:51,148 --> 00:02:54,412 My father is an orange Nazi. 37 00:02:54,925 --> 00:02:55,885 (CROWD LAUGHING) 38 00:02:56,812 --> 00:02:59,148 He told me that he likes the color, 39 00:02:59,180 --> 00:03:02,636 that he loves the fruit, but that he hates the juice. 40 00:03:03,052 --> 00:03:04,525 (CROWD LAUGHING) 41 00:03:04,556 --> 00:03:06,924 That's right, ladies and gentlemen, that's fruit racism. 42 00:03:06,956 --> 00:03:08,492 (CROWD LAUGHING) 43 00:03:08,524 --> 00:03:12,492 That's a gateway racism, to the far more dark and terrifying racism 44 00:03:12,524 --> 00:03:16,717 that people are facing out there on these streets every day and every night. 45 00:03:16,749 --> 00:03:19,372 And I'll tell you something else that makes me sick. 46 00:03:19,404 --> 00:03:20,972 Being a bulimic! 47 00:03:21,004 --> 00:03:22,061 (CROWD LAUGHING) 48 00:03:24,140 --> 00:03:28,237 Yeah. Um, which... Sorry which free guide was it you said? 49 00:03:28,269 --> 00:03:31,725 The retirement guide, yep, no problem, two seconds. 50 00:03:32,940 --> 00:03:35,692 They've all decided to come and sit here right now. 51 00:03:40,045 --> 00:03:41,933 Songs are still untitled. 52 00:03:44,268 --> 00:03:45,996 (PLAYING FUNKY SONG) 53 00:03:57,868 --> 00:04:00,461 ♪ Shirts and shorts and bouncing balls 54 00:04:00,492 --> 00:04:03,308 ♪ A man that races on a dinosaur 55 00:04:03,340 --> 00:04:05,357 ♪ Bus 25 night back east 56 00:04:05,388 --> 00:04:08,011 ♪ There a gaze you left It's my face of joy 57 00:04:08,044 --> 00:04:10,348 ♪ You're cool and you give good flow 58 00:04:10,380 --> 00:04:13,164 ♪ Bring you home, my dear I better commandeer 59 00:04:13,196 --> 00:04:15,756 ♪ Your sensuality makes sense 60 00:04:15,787 --> 00:04:19,531 ♪ Shake it, shake it Shake it, shake it, oh 61 00:04:19,564 --> 00:04:21,964 ♪ Shake it, shake it, oh Shake it, shake it, oh 62 00:04:21,996 --> 00:04:24,621 ♪ Shake it, shake it, oh 63 00:04:24,652 --> 00:04:27,180 ♪ You got a crazy flow and the feeling is high 64 00:04:27,212 --> 00:04:29,421 ♪ You gotta keep it till the broad daylight 65 00:04:29,452 --> 00:04:31,564 ♪ You got a crazy flow and the feeling is 66 00:04:31,596 --> 00:04:34,092 ♪ Hey, yeah, yeah 67 00:04:34,124 --> 00:04:36,428 ♪ You got a crazy flow and the feeling is high 68 00:04:36,460 --> 00:04:39,148 ♪ You gotta keep it till the broad daylight 69 00:04:39,180 --> 00:04:41,228 ♪ You got a crazy flow and the feeling is 70 00:04:41,260 --> 00:04:42,539 ♪ Hey, yeah 71 00:04:52,300 --> 00:04:56,076 ♪ You gotta let it go 'cause the feeling is high 72 00:04:56,108 --> 00:05:01,228 ♪ You gotta shake it up till the sun goes down 73 00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:05,645 ♪ You gotta let it go 'cause the feeling is high 74 00:05:05,676 --> 00:05:09,741 ♪ You gotta let it go Yeah, yeah... ♪ 75 00:05:09,772 --> 00:05:11,405 I actually brought those with me. 76 00:05:11,436 --> 00:05:12,588 What? 77 00:05:12,620 --> 00:05:14,156 I put them on the side, did you see? 78 00:05:14,188 --> 00:05:15,084 I brought the lyrics with me. 79 00:05:15,116 --> 00:05:16,461 -Oh, brilliant. -No, that's a good thing. 80 00:05:16,492 --> 00:05:17,964 We didn't see them. 81 00:05:17,996 --> 00:05:19,020 -Johnny Cash always did. -Did he? 82 00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:21,836 -Yeah, he always had the lyrics with him. -Really? 83 00:05:21,868 --> 00:05:22,956 Yeah, Johnny Cash always had them... 84 00:05:22,988 --> 00:05:24,844 -You're a Johnny Cash fan aren't you? -So are you. 85 00:05:24,876 --> 00:05:26,253 Yeah. You a big Johnny Cash fan? 86 00:05:26,284 --> 00:05:29,452 -Of course. -Wonderful. Of course. Of course. 87 00:05:31,148 --> 00:05:32,589 (PLAYING BALLAD) 88 00:05:53,996 --> 00:05:55,021 (ELISA GIGGLING) 89 00:05:55,948 --> 00:05:57,965 STEVEN: That was a nice move. 90 00:05:58,956 --> 00:06:00,365 That was great. 91 00:06:00,396 --> 00:06:02,637 -Thank you. -Really great. 92 00:06:02,668 --> 00:06:06,124 -And beautiful. And special. -(GIGGLING) 93 00:06:06,636 --> 00:06:08,205 And specialer now. 94 00:06:10,188 --> 00:06:12,076 -ED: Good night, Steven. -Bye, then. 95 00:06:17,932 --> 00:06:20,491 ED: It's been a long day and Elisa shoots for glory. 96 00:06:20,524 --> 00:06:21,485 -And it's a miss. -ELISA: Oi! 97 00:06:21,516 --> 00:06:22,476 (LAUGHING) 98 00:06:24,588 --> 00:06:26,413 That's not out. Is it out? 99 00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:32,140 (LAUGHING) 100 00:06:37,388 --> 00:06:38,700 ED: Oh, dear... 101 00:06:41,131 --> 00:06:42,732 -Tell me. -Did he say something? 102 00:06:42,764 --> 00:06:44,748 -Yeah. -What did he say? 103 00:06:44,780 --> 00:06:46,860 He said that he thought you were beautiful. 104 00:06:46,891 --> 00:06:48,365 That's sweet. 105 00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:54,541 And that you had an amazing voice. 106 00:06:57,900 --> 00:07:01,835 -You seem to be smiling so you do like him. -I like him. 107 00:07:01,868 --> 00:07:03,947 -But do you "like him," like him? -I don't know. 108 00:07:03,980 --> 00:07:06,412 What do you mean you don't know? Why not? 109 00:07:06,444 --> 00:07:08,972 There's another one, who's Spanish. 110 00:07:09,516 --> 00:07:11,181 Spanish... 111 00:07:14,156 --> 00:07:16,173 -You like Spanish? -Si. 112 00:07:20,300 --> 00:07:22,764 He's called... Jose. 113 00:07:22,796 --> 00:07:26,796 Oh! That's so... (LAUGHS) Jose. 114 00:07:26,828 --> 00:07:29,772 -That's so what? It's true. -I don't know, he sounds so Spanish. 115 00:07:29,804 --> 00:07:32,588 -He is. Jose! -Je, Jose. 116 00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:33,996 -You're so sexy, Jose. -Oh, come on. 117 00:07:38,572 --> 00:07:42,060 Oh, the pressure, you don't think that you can win me? 118 00:07:42,092 --> 00:07:43,372 No, I either have a choice... 119 00:07:43,404 --> 00:07:46,733 -So if you win, I go on a date with him? -Yes. 120 00:07:46,764 --> 00:07:49,132 So actually it would be in my best interest to lose. 121 00:07:52,940 --> 00:07:57,452 ♪ When I was just a little boy 122 00:07:57,484 --> 00:08:00,621 ♪ I asked my mother, "What will I be?" 123 00:08:01,419 --> 00:08:02,732 ♪ "Will I be nothing?" 124 00:08:02,764 --> 00:08:03,725 (BOTH CHUCKLE) 125 00:08:04,524 --> 00:08:06,220 ♪ "Will I be famous?" 126 00:08:06,252 --> 00:08:07,597 Yes. 127 00:08:07,628 --> 00:08:09,964 ♪ Is what she said to me 128 00:08:11,979 --> 00:08:14,188 ♪ Que sera, sera 129 00:08:14,220 --> 00:08:17,197 ♪ Whatever you'll be, you'll be famous ♪ 130 00:08:17,228 --> 00:08:19,692 (BOTH LAUGHING) 131 00:08:19,724 --> 00:08:22,028 Can I also ask at this point whether you've actually been diagnosed 132 00:08:22,060 --> 00:08:23,852 with any cancers in the past? 133 00:08:23,884 --> 00:08:26,284 (WHISPERING) Can you put those away? Not on the desk, mate. 134 00:08:28,203 --> 00:08:31,467 No, that's quite all right. Yeah, no problem. 135 00:08:31,499 --> 00:08:33,165 I'm so sorry to have disturbed you, Miss Dolus. 136 00:08:34,188 --> 00:08:36,653 -Yep. -Bye for now, bye. 137 00:08:37,388 --> 00:08:39,597 Sorry. Yeah, hello, Miss Rubaly. 138 00:08:43,692 --> 00:08:45,420 STEVEN: I'm calling from Women's Health... 139 00:08:45,452 --> 00:08:46,572 (LAUGHS) 140 00:08:46,604 --> 00:08:48,300 Well you know not to do it, Ed... 141 00:08:48,332 --> 00:08:52,013 Well, I'm calling today about a special offer Women's Health are doing for the New Year. 142 00:08:52,044 --> 00:08:55,821 Can I first ask whether you currently have any medical insurance or health cover? 143 00:08:57,068 --> 00:09:00,332 And also no family history is taken into account. 144 00:09:01,260 --> 00:09:03,181 You could be a smoker, that's right. 145 00:09:17,132 --> 00:09:18,092 (CROWD CHEERING) 146 00:09:21,003 --> 00:09:24,332 Hello, everybody, and welcome, welcome, welcome to part two. 147 00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:26,860 -Are we well, boys and girls? -CROWD: Yes! 148 00:09:26,892 --> 00:09:28,908 You've become very hot over there, madam. Aren't you there? 149 00:09:28,940 --> 00:09:31,436 That's it. Yes, you wafting yourself there. I can see. 150 00:09:31,468 --> 00:09:33,612 Is it because I'm on stage? (HUMMING SUGGESTIVELY) 151 00:09:35,948 --> 00:09:39,435 COMPERE: Boys and girls, we are the number-one binge drinkers in Europe. 152 00:09:39,468 --> 00:09:40,972 How do we feel about that? 153 00:09:41,004 --> 00:09:42,380 (CROWD CHEERING) 154 00:09:42,412 --> 00:09:43,405 Look at that. And I like this woman in particular, 155 00:09:43,436 --> 00:09:44,908 cheering before the end of the sentence. 156 00:09:44,940 --> 00:09:46,764 -A proper drunk lady, that's what I like. -I served in Iraq... 157 00:09:46,796 --> 00:09:48,460 As a waiter. 158 00:09:48,492 --> 00:09:49,772 COMPERE: I love drunk women, drunk women are fantastic, seriously. 159 00:09:49,804 --> 00:09:53,644 I served in Iraq as a waiter, I was sent home after two years, 160 00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:58,444 not for being shot, no, but for being fired. 161 00:09:58,476 --> 00:10:03,308 Number one, the hoe. This does not refer to a whore! 162 00:10:03,339 --> 00:10:04,459 (SCATTERED LAUGHING) 163 00:10:04,491 --> 00:10:07,148 But rather a woman who takes money for sex... 164 00:10:07,179 --> 00:10:11,148 While at the same time turning topsoil to allow the planting of vegetables 165 00:10:11,179 --> 00:10:14,573 and smaller flowering bush or scrub plants. 166 00:10:14,604 --> 00:10:20,044 Number two, the trowel, or its more common name, "dwarf spade." 167 00:10:20,076 --> 00:10:23,565 Or if you are a dwarf, simply "spade." 168 00:10:23,596 --> 00:10:28,203 Number three, the rake. No one, not even the most experienced gardeners 169 00:10:28,236 --> 00:10:30,988 in the world can tell you what this tool is for. 170 00:10:31,020 --> 00:10:34,987 But to be without one is to be an outcast, a pariah. 171 00:10:35,019 --> 00:10:40,940 Gardeners found without a rake are often cruelly referred to as a non-gardener. 172 00:10:40,972 --> 00:10:44,908 Number four, Strimmer, or St. Rimmer. 173 00:10:44,940 --> 00:10:46,604 The patron saint of gardening. 174 00:10:46,636 --> 00:10:50,540 Most people will know him by his gardener's moniker Alan Titchmarsh. 175 00:10:50,572 --> 00:10:54,412 And finally, number five, green fingers or enthusiasm. 176 00:10:54,444 --> 00:10:57,388 Without this you might as well be a person who prefers decking 177 00:10:57,420 --> 00:10:59,853 or a nice patio, awkward pause! 178 00:11:01,164 --> 00:11:02,924 (SCATTERED LAUGHING) 179 00:11:11,499 --> 00:11:13,740 Has anybody else ever wondered why so many soldiers 180 00:11:13,771 --> 00:11:18,636 upon returning home from foreign wars decide to become vets? 181 00:11:18,668 --> 00:11:22,956 They must have witnessed some terrible animal atrocities whilst fighting overseas. 182 00:11:24,300 --> 00:11:26,668 (SCATTERED LAUGHING) 183 00:11:26,700 --> 00:11:28,524 I myself served in Iraq... 184 00:11:28,556 --> 00:11:29,709 As a waiter. 185 00:11:32,875 --> 00:11:34,860 I was sent home after two years. 186 00:11:34,891 --> 00:11:38,412 Not for being shot, no, but for being fired. 187 00:11:38,443 --> 00:11:39,403 (SILENCE) 188 00:11:43,947 --> 00:11:48,268 COMPERE: That was interesting. Not funny. Um... 189 00:11:48,300 --> 00:11:51,180 (LAUGHING) Sorry, was that a bit cruel? 190 00:11:52,812 --> 00:11:54,700 So. What do you think, yeah? You enjoyed that, yeah? 191 00:11:54,732 --> 00:11:56,012 (CROWD PROTESTING) 192 00:11:56,044 --> 00:11:58,764 You're crying, are you? I'll give you a refund. So... 193 00:11:58,795 --> 00:11:59,884 (CROWD LAUGHING) 194 00:11:59,915 --> 00:12:02,508 No! Come on, people, it's good, it's good. 195 00:12:02,539 --> 00:12:04,332 It was emotional. It was emotional was it? 196 00:12:04,363 --> 00:12:06,572 Yes, you're a big gardener? Big gardening fan, are you? 197 00:12:06,604 --> 00:12:08,940 Yeah, remembering that patio you had from many years ago. 198 00:12:08,972 --> 00:12:11,339 That's good. Patio? Sorry, I meant to say allotment. 199 00:12:11,371 --> 00:12:12,621 God, I'm shit as well. 200 00:12:14,252 --> 00:12:17,900 So... Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, that was quite good wasn't it? 201 00:12:17,932 --> 00:12:20,460 So, uh... Um... I don't know what to say, really, to be honest with you. 202 00:12:20,492 --> 00:12:21,965 (CROWD LAUGHING) 203 00:12:23,819 --> 00:12:26,572 You look horrified, madam. Come on! 204 00:12:26,604 --> 00:12:29,484 You know, some people come on stage and then they talk about gardening and stuff, 205 00:12:29,515 --> 00:12:31,052 other people tell jokes. 206 00:12:31,083 --> 00:12:32,460 (CROWD LAUGHING) 207 00:12:35,212 --> 00:12:37,643 Come on, you were thinking it, mate. So... 208 00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:40,844 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) 209 00:13:22,508 --> 00:13:25,100 I saw you tonight on the... At the... 210 00:13:25,132 --> 00:13:26,571 (LAUGHS) 211 00:13:33,100 --> 00:13:34,252 (CHUCKLING) 212 00:13:36,779 --> 00:13:38,412 -It was really bad, eh? -Huh? 213 00:13:38,443 --> 00:13:39,724 Bad. 214 00:13:39,755 --> 00:13:42,380 -No. -No, no... Yeah. 215 00:13:42,412 --> 00:13:44,556 -No, no, yeah. -Oh, man. 216 00:13:44,588 --> 00:13:48,236 It wasn't bad, I just, it was just strange. I'd say that, strange. 217 00:13:49,836 --> 00:13:52,043 Strange isn't a complimentary word. 218 00:13:52,075 --> 00:13:54,860 Like, you wouldn't go, "Hey, what a strange looking baby." 219 00:13:54,892 --> 00:13:56,492 That wouldn't like a compliment, would it? 220 00:13:56,523 --> 00:13:58,316 Fine it was awesome, it was brilliant. 221 00:13:58,347 --> 00:14:00,778 -Who told you were funny? -Fuck you. 222 00:14:00,811 --> 00:14:02,572 -(LAUGHING) No, that wasn't a... -Fuck you. 223 00:14:03,468 --> 00:14:04,588 Not you. 224 00:14:04,619 --> 00:14:08,267 I'm being supportive. I'm talking to you. 225 00:14:08,299 --> 00:14:10,892 What's the name of the compere? 226 00:14:10,923 --> 00:14:12,748 I don't know, I was only working there tonight. 227 00:14:12,780 --> 00:14:14,860 -He had bad jokes. -He was just shit. 228 00:14:14,892 --> 00:14:17,772 He was doing all that bloody, "Scream if you want to go..." That was him. 229 00:14:17,803 --> 00:14:18,955 Doing his own bloody buildup. 230 00:14:18,988 --> 00:14:22,411 "Hey, I'm doing my own buildup. I'm an incredible..." 231 00:14:22,443 --> 00:14:23,660 Fuck off, bell-end. 232 00:14:24,619 --> 00:14:26,444 I think you're much funnier on the bus. 233 00:14:26,476 --> 00:14:28,588 (CHUCKLING) Yeah, I'm much funnier on the bus. 234 00:14:28,619 --> 00:14:30,348 Maybe I should just do my whole set on the bus. 235 00:14:30,379 --> 00:14:32,236 What are you doing? What do you do, then? 236 00:14:32,268 --> 00:14:35,308 I kinda paint... Badly. 237 00:14:35,339 --> 00:14:37,996 And where can I see your paintings, your work? 238 00:14:38,028 --> 00:14:39,276 Just in my studio. 239 00:14:39,308 --> 00:14:40,716 You have a studio? 240 00:14:40,747 --> 00:14:42,028 Or my flat... It's like a space. 241 00:14:42,059 --> 00:14:44,012 -Are you rich? -No, no, no. 242 00:14:47,948 --> 00:14:49,676 You wear very trendy clothes, don't you? 243 00:14:49,708 --> 00:14:51,436 Do I? 244 00:14:51,468 --> 00:14:53,036 I bet you're posh. 245 00:14:53,067 --> 00:14:55,276 -What? -I think you're posh. 246 00:14:55,308 --> 00:14:57,419 You're accusing me? Where are you from? 247 00:14:57,451 --> 00:14:59,340 I'm asking you. Sheffield. 248 00:15:00,780 --> 00:15:01,677 North. 249 00:15:01,708 --> 00:15:05,228 -Where are you from? The bus? -This bus. 250 00:15:05,259 --> 00:15:06,187 (BOTH LAUGHING) 251 00:15:06,219 --> 00:15:09,068 -Where? From London? Whereabouts? -South. 252 00:15:09,099 --> 00:15:11,404 I live here. I know London. I know it a bit. 253 00:15:11,436 --> 00:15:13,516 -How long have you lived here? -Twelve years. 254 00:15:13,548 --> 00:15:17,036 It's kinda of long time. I'm from Wandsworth. 255 00:15:18,283 --> 00:15:21,100 -So you're hard. You're a tough boy. -I'm hard. 256 00:15:26,315 --> 00:15:27,947 How old are you? 257 00:15:27,979 --> 00:15:30,604 Um... How old do you think that I am? 258 00:15:30,636 --> 00:15:32,364 No, but you're really sensitive I don't want to offend you. 259 00:15:32,396 --> 00:15:33,676 -Oh! -(BOTH CHUCKLING) 260 00:15:33,707 --> 00:15:35,788 "I don't want to offend you because I'm the kind of person that 261 00:15:35,819 --> 00:15:38,156 "wouldn't say that kind of thing, but your gig was shitty." 262 00:15:38,187 --> 00:15:39,788 How old are you? How old are you? 263 00:15:39,819 --> 00:15:41,068 Guess. 264 00:15:42,956 --> 00:15:44,781 Forty... Twenty-two. 265 00:15:46,283 --> 00:15:47,212 Twenty-one? 266 00:15:47,243 --> 00:15:50,060 -Up, sorry, up. -Twenty-three, 24, 25, 20... 267 00:15:50,092 --> 00:15:52,684 -Ah! -...Five? 268 00:15:52,716 --> 00:15:54,636 I don't care if you think I look older or younger, though. 269 00:15:54,667 --> 00:15:56,652 I don't, I don't. No, you look 25. 270 00:15:56,683 --> 00:15:58,572 Good. It's good to look your age. 271 00:15:58,603 --> 00:15:59,915 Unless you're 70. 272 00:15:59,948 --> 00:16:03,435 -What's wrong with looking 70? -No, I'd rather be 70 and look 25. 273 00:16:03,467 --> 00:16:05,579 -That would be... -Why would you want to do that? 274 00:16:05,611 --> 00:16:08,524 I don't know, 'cause then you'd pull loads of hot people and be like, "Hey." 275 00:16:08,555 --> 00:16:11,820 You want to pull loads of hot people? At 70? 276 00:16:11,851 --> 00:16:14,316 Yes. Probably that's the time when I would most want to pull hot people. 277 00:16:14,348 --> 00:16:15,980 I just want to hang out and have a belly and... 278 00:16:16,843 --> 00:16:18,572 Being old must be fun. 279 00:16:26,828 --> 00:16:28,460 NATHAN: I know, like, it's not really... 280 00:16:28,492 --> 00:16:30,316 There's nothing much in it. 281 00:16:30,347 --> 00:16:31,499 (CHUCKLES) 282 00:16:31,531 --> 00:16:33,228 Yeah, you're really not posh. 283 00:16:37,707 --> 00:16:41,676 That's, like, my little bathroom behind this black sheet here. 284 00:16:42,155 --> 00:16:43,659 (CHUCKLING) 285 00:16:44,460 --> 00:16:46,828 -I'm a bit gobsmacked. -Huh? 286 00:16:46,858 --> 00:16:48,427 I'm a bit gobsmacked. 287 00:16:51,276 --> 00:16:53,323 I think next time we can go to mine. 288 00:16:53,708 --> 00:16:55,340 (BOTH CHUCKLING) 289 00:16:55,340 --> 00:16:56,300 (PANTING) 290 00:17:13,324 --> 00:17:14,764 (MOANING) 291 00:17:43,532 --> 00:17:45,484 (BOTH CHUCKLING) 292 00:17:47,915 --> 00:17:50,315 (PANTING) 293 00:18:02,251 --> 00:18:03,756 (MOANING) 294 00:18:40,139 --> 00:18:41,931 ELISA: Did you get home late last night? 295 00:18:41,963 --> 00:18:44,906 ED: Ah, not bad, no. 296 00:18:44,939 --> 00:18:47,116 ELISA: I didn't hear you. I think I passed out really early, actually. 297 00:18:47,148 --> 00:18:49,259 ED: Lazy. ELISA: Hmm... 298 00:18:49,291 --> 00:18:51,723 ED: No it's good. ELISA: No, don't put it in the pan. 299 00:18:51,755 --> 00:18:52,747 (PAN SIZZLING) 300 00:18:52,779 --> 00:18:55,467 ED: What? It needs to melt. ELISA: No. Not yet. 301 00:18:55,499 --> 00:18:58,411 (LAUGHING) It really looks disgusting, I'm sorry. 302 00:18:58,443 --> 00:19:01,516 It didn't cook yet. You have to wait till it cooks, Elisa. 303 00:19:01,548 --> 00:19:03,146 Like you threw up in the pan. 304 00:19:03,179 --> 00:19:05,260 I'm sorry, it's kind of like... No? 305 00:19:05,292 --> 00:19:06,572 It looks like a Spanish omelet to me. 306 00:19:06,604 --> 00:19:08,107 I mean you or me. It looks terrible. 307 00:19:08,139 --> 00:19:09,419 You don't have to eat it, but... 308 00:19:09,451 --> 00:19:12,076 No, it actually looks all right. I will eat it. 309 00:19:12,108 --> 00:19:13,740 Oh, yeah. It looks disgusting. 310 00:19:13,771 --> 00:19:14,860 -I will eat it. -(LAUGHS) 311 00:19:22,539 --> 00:19:23,339 (STOMACH RUMBLING) 312 00:19:23,371 --> 00:19:25,643 (LAUGHING) My stomach's still rumbling. 313 00:19:26,795 --> 00:19:30,283 -Look, there's ladybirds. -Yeah. 314 00:19:30,315 --> 00:19:31,532 Good luck, isn't it? 315 00:19:31,564 --> 00:19:33,804 Yeah, they're so sexist, those. 316 00:19:33,836 --> 00:19:36,043 What? They're what? 317 00:19:36,075 --> 00:19:37,995 -'Cause they're ladybirds. -Oh, yeah... 318 00:19:42,732 --> 00:19:43,692 (CHUCKLES) 319 00:19:45,451 --> 00:19:47,340 ELISA: (CLEARS THROAT) That line... 320 00:19:47,371 --> 00:19:48,908 ED: You're breaking your heart. 321 00:19:48,939 --> 00:19:52,684 -(PLAYING BALLAD) -♪ I'm breaking your heart I'm not good enough 322 00:19:52,715 --> 00:19:55,788 ♪ I'm breaking your heart, it's true 323 00:19:55,820 --> 00:19:57,964 I think it's a bit spelling it out. 324 00:19:59,147 --> 00:20:02,252 ♪ Don't know what to do 325 00:20:04,043 --> 00:20:07,276 ♪ I just, I just 326 00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:10,507 ♪ Don't want to lose you 327 00:20:10,539 --> 00:20:15,980 ♪ You mean the world You mean the world 328 00:20:16,011 --> 00:20:18,508 ♪ I'm nothing without you 329 00:20:21,867 --> 00:20:24,908 ♪ Don't know what to do 330 00:20:25,611 --> 00:20:27,946 ♪ I just, I just 331 00:20:28,907 --> 00:20:31,692 ♪ Don't want to lose you 332 00:20:31,723 --> 00:20:33,707 ♪ You mean the world 333 00:20:33,739 --> 00:20:36,108 ♪ You mean the world 334 00:20:36,140 --> 00:20:39,180 ♪ I'm nothing without you 335 00:20:42,860 --> 00:20:45,708 ♪ You are made of fire 336 00:20:46,379 --> 00:20:49,067 ♪ You are made of fire 337 00:20:49,099 --> 00:20:50,252 (CHUCKLES) 338 00:20:50,283 --> 00:20:51,852 ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ 339 00:20:51,883 --> 00:20:53,259 I don't know. 340 00:20:53,291 --> 00:20:59,340 And, I want to see, I want to run this script through with you guys. 341 00:20:59,371 --> 00:21:01,771 See if there's anything that you, that you think is going wrong with it. 342 00:21:01,803 --> 00:21:03,211 -Because... -Okay. 343 00:21:03,244 --> 00:21:05,260 We're not getting the sales that we anticipated on this at the minute. 344 00:21:05,292 --> 00:21:07,532 -Let's have a go. -STEVEN: Shall I try it? 345 00:21:07,563 --> 00:21:08,907 -Shall we try it? -JAMIE: Yeah, yeah, do. 346 00:21:08,939 --> 00:21:09,899 Go for it. 347 00:21:09,931 --> 00:21:13,036 -Good afternoon is that Mrs. Ed? -Yeah, um, yes. 348 00:21:13,067 --> 00:21:14,923 Yep, this is... My name's Edward. 349 00:21:14,955 --> 00:21:16,587 Hello, Mrs. Ed, my name's Steve. 350 00:21:16,619 --> 00:21:18,028 -Hello, Steve. -I'm calling from Women's Health Plan. 351 00:21:18,059 --> 00:21:20,364 -Do you have a moment? -I do. Yes, I've got several. 352 00:21:20,395 --> 00:21:23,596 Splendid, well, okay, what Women's Health is offering at the moment is a cheap and 353 00:21:23,627 --> 00:21:26,572 affordable new health plan that pays out £30,000 if you're diagnosed 354 00:21:26,603 --> 00:21:28,427 with one of seven types of cancer... 355 00:21:28,459 --> 00:21:29,835 Oh, with cancer... 356 00:21:29,867 --> 00:21:32,202 I do just need to ask at this point whether you have been diagnosed 357 00:21:32,235 --> 00:21:34,412 -with any cancers in the past? -I haven't. 358 00:21:34,443 --> 00:21:38,155 That... Well, then it sounds to me like you could be very eligible for this. 359 00:21:38,187 --> 00:21:40,555 And Women's Health Plan are also giving out a free gift... 360 00:21:40,587 --> 00:21:41,836 -Yeah. -...as part of our New Year offer... 361 00:21:41,867 --> 00:21:43,052 ED: What is the free gift? 362 00:21:43,083 --> 00:21:45,739 The choice is, you can have £10 worth of supermarket vouchers. 363 00:21:45,771 --> 00:21:46,699 Right... 364 00:21:46,731 --> 00:21:50,732 Or, you could have two "I Heart Me" T-shirts. 365 00:21:50,763 --> 00:21:52,491 Or you could choose our mystery gift... 366 00:21:52,523 --> 00:21:54,572 Wait, no, yeah, what? The second one? 367 00:21:54,603 --> 00:21:56,907 -The second one was... -JAMIE: Guys, come on. 368 00:21:56,939 --> 00:21:58,699 -Two "I Heart Me" T-shirts. -(BOTH CHUCKLING) 369 00:21:58,731 --> 00:22:00,203 JAMIE: You gotta be serious about this. 370 00:22:00,235 --> 00:22:01,867 Just don't mess about, yeah? 371 00:22:01,899 --> 00:22:03,468 ED: Maybe we should push the free gift. 372 00:22:03,499 --> 00:22:04,555 'Cause that was really working this time... 373 00:22:04,587 --> 00:22:06,411 -No, not. No. -But that was... 374 00:22:06,443 --> 00:22:07,851 -ED: What should we do... -Too much. 375 00:22:07,883 --> 00:22:09,963 ED: ...if we do get someone who's really interested in the free gift? 376 00:22:09,995 --> 00:22:11,179 What should you do then? 377 00:22:11,211 --> 00:22:12,652 What do you about that, then? 378 00:22:12,683 --> 00:22:15,051 JAMIE: That's fine. If they're interested in the free gift that's great. 379 00:22:15,083 --> 00:22:18,027 But that's, it's unlikely that people are going to be interested in the free gift 380 00:22:18,059 --> 00:22:20,011 when they're about to take out cancer insurance. 381 00:22:20,043 --> 00:22:21,066 -Right... -STEVE: Yeah... 382 00:22:21,099 --> 00:22:23,820 Another point is, avoid saying... Don't say... 383 00:22:23,851 --> 00:22:26,283 -Cancer. -I'm... Just from... 384 00:22:26,315 --> 00:22:29,515 Ed, you're being, you're being difficult and I don't quite understand why. 385 00:22:29,547 --> 00:22:30,987 I'm not being difficult. 386 00:22:31,019 --> 00:22:33,291 Ed, well you're not doing very well at the moment and part of moving you 387 00:22:33,323 --> 00:22:35,596 to this campaign was so that you can have a fresh start and 388 00:22:35,627 --> 00:22:38,603 -try and do a bit better. -Well, great, that's what I'm here to do. 389 00:22:38,635 --> 00:22:41,931 JAMIE: Well, well, good, well, if you can take it, if you can take seriously then... 390 00:22:41,963 --> 00:22:45,419 Well, I just find your tone with me incredibly patronizing, Jamie. 391 00:22:45,451 --> 00:22:48,940 -Sorry, sorry, Ed, I'm your boss. So... -Right. 392 00:22:48,971 --> 00:22:50,123 And I'm teaching you some new material. 393 00:22:50,155 --> 00:22:51,531 You don't do it to anybody else. 394 00:22:51,563 --> 00:22:53,132 Because nobody else, Ed, is being... 395 00:22:53,163 --> 00:22:55,691 Is, is, trying to undermine me the way you are, 396 00:22:55,723 --> 00:22:58,411 trying to pick out little funny details about the script. 397 00:22:58,443 --> 00:23:00,779 I'm just trying to, like, lighten the mood a bit, like, 398 00:23:00,811 --> 00:23:03,210 it's just a bit boring being here all the time. 399 00:23:03,243 --> 00:23:05,195 -Well, Ed, this is your job. -Yeah, I know! 400 00:23:05,227 --> 00:23:08,907 And I'm sorry if it's not fulfilling your dreams in life, you've got to come in 401 00:23:08,939 --> 00:23:10,923 and you've just got to do it. You've got to lump it. 402 00:23:10,955 --> 00:23:13,804 It's not going to be all fun and games all the time. 403 00:23:15,947 --> 00:23:19,595 Now I'm not, I'm not a stickler, I don't mind a bit of banter. 404 00:23:19,627 --> 00:23:23,852 But you coming in and just being disruptive is not on. 405 00:23:23,883 --> 00:23:25,451 And I won't have it. 406 00:23:27,115 --> 00:23:30,572 Obviously, what we'll do is give you financial assistance at a time when your energy 407 00:23:30,603 --> 00:23:33,899 needs to be focused on getting your treatment and getting better. 408 00:23:33,931 --> 00:23:36,076 Uh, obviously the other benefit of the Women's Health Plan 409 00:23:36,107 --> 00:23:39,212 is that you don't have to do medical examinations, so there's no 410 00:23:39,243 --> 00:23:41,419 awkward health questions. 411 00:24:04,011 --> 00:24:06,060 That is ridiculous. 412 00:24:10,379 --> 00:24:11,723 Are you gonna do it back? 413 00:24:12,363 --> 00:24:13,611 Is that tip... 414 00:24:14,059 --> 00:24:15,019 Tap... 415 00:24:15,435 --> 00:24:16,556 What's that? 416 00:24:17,291 --> 00:24:18,411 Did I do that? 417 00:24:21,163 --> 00:24:22,124 Go away. 418 00:24:24,331 --> 00:24:25,516 Go away! 419 00:24:28,555 --> 00:24:30,316 You have a lot of scars, Nathan. 420 00:24:34,474 --> 00:24:35,722 Why do you have those? 421 00:24:45,931 --> 00:24:48,203 If you ask me again, I'm gonna get out of the bath. 422 00:24:49,771 --> 00:24:50,764 (ED SIGHS) 423 00:25:00,171 --> 00:25:02,188 Hey... It's okay. 424 00:25:05,515 --> 00:25:08,492 Hey. Come here. 425 00:25:08,523 --> 00:25:11,180 Come here. Come here. 426 00:25:46,347 --> 00:25:48,618 -STEVEN: Lovely to meet you. -Nice to meet you. 427 00:25:48,650 --> 00:25:50,442 Hey, sorry I'm late. (SNIFFS) 428 00:25:50,475 --> 00:25:51,339 You okay? 429 00:25:51,371 --> 00:25:53,355 STEVEN: Well, we heard how tall you were. 430 00:25:53,387 --> 00:25:54,859 Huh? 431 00:25:54,891 --> 00:25:56,427 -I told them you were tall. -Cool. 432 00:25:56,459 --> 00:25:58,955 I told them you were tall. 433 00:25:58,987 --> 00:26:00,332 STEVEN: You are tall. NATHAN: I'm standing on the step. 434 00:26:00,363 --> 00:26:02,698 (STEVEN LAUGHS) 435 00:26:02,731 --> 00:26:05,132 -Shall we go in? -STEVEN: Okay, let's do it. 436 00:26:05,163 --> 00:26:08,363 (CLUB MUSIC PLAYING) 437 00:26:08,395 --> 00:26:10,283 STEVEN: Eat the lemon, eat the lemon. 438 00:26:11,307 --> 00:26:12,620 (WHOOPING) 439 00:26:19,179 --> 00:26:20,843 They're like this all the time. 440 00:26:30,026 --> 00:26:31,851 (INAUDIBLE) 441 00:27:50,507 --> 00:27:52,235 (CLUB MUSIC PLAYING) 442 00:28:58,763 --> 00:29:01,259 -Go in? -You go in, I'm gonna smoke. 443 00:29:14,571 --> 00:29:15,819 (INAUDIBLE) 444 00:30:58,282 --> 00:30:59,658 (BANGING) 445 00:31:21,451 --> 00:31:22,667 Fuck off! 446 00:31:44,299 --> 00:31:46,634 (EXHALES) 447 00:31:56,394 --> 00:31:57,771 (INAUDIBLE) 448 00:32:41,579 --> 00:32:43,019 (INAUDIBLE) 449 00:33:01,739 --> 00:33:03,627 It's a great offer. It's a fantastic offer. 450 00:33:03,659 --> 00:33:05,611 -WOMAN ON TV: It's a lot of money, that. -It is a lot of money. 451 00:33:05,643 --> 00:33:06,796 (DOOR SLAMS) 452 00:33:16,459 --> 00:33:17,419 (DOOR SLAMS) 453 00:33:36,394 --> 00:33:38,251 (BOTH LAUGHING) 454 00:33:38,282 --> 00:33:39,658 ED: Why are you not talking to me? What's happening? 455 00:33:39,691 --> 00:33:40,490 ELISA: I don't want to talk to you. 456 00:33:40,523 --> 00:33:41,706 ED: Why are you slamming all the doors? 457 00:33:41,738 --> 00:33:43,659 Honestly, fuck off, Ed. 458 00:33:43,691 --> 00:33:46,442 You just left me there with this guy you met a few days ago 459 00:33:46,474 --> 00:33:48,266 -who was on the verge of tears. -Come on, how old are you? 460 00:33:48,298 --> 00:33:50,698 I mean, bloody hell, like, it's not like, I didn't... 461 00:33:50,730 --> 00:33:53,643 Steve was drunk out of his mind. 462 00:33:53,674 --> 00:33:56,235 Nathan was crying because you stood him up... 463 00:33:56,267 --> 00:33:57,835 Yeah, but there's something else going on. 464 00:33:57,866 --> 00:33:59,755 You can't be pissed off just 'cause I went home. 465 00:33:59,786 --> 00:34:02,891 -(LAUGHING) You can't just leave without saying anything. -Well, I did. 466 00:34:02,922 --> 00:34:05,579 But I mean, I'm a 32-year-old man. I can go if I want to. 467 00:34:05,611 --> 00:34:08,426 "I'm a 32-year-old man, I can go whenever I want 468 00:34:08,458 --> 00:34:10,283 "and just not even fucking tell my friends." 469 00:34:10,315 --> 00:34:11,306 I can, I'm allowed... 470 00:34:11,339 --> 00:34:12,619 Who are waiting in the street, we were waiting... 471 00:34:12,651 --> 00:34:14,603 If I'm pissed off with Nathan, I'm allowed to go if I want to. 472 00:34:14,634 --> 00:34:15,786 Yeah, but you can at least tell me. 473 00:34:15,819 --> 00:34:17,418 3:00 in the morning, what am I supposed to do with these guys? 474 00:34:17,451 --> 00:34:20,971 Yeah, but something else is... This isn't to do with that, what's really going on? 475 00:34:21,002 --> 00:34:23,243 -Why are you really upset? -I'm upset because you... (LAUGHS) 476 00:34:23,274 --> 00:34:26,507 You don't come home and go, "Oh, my God, I slam the door and cry," 477 00:34:26,539 --> 00:34:29,066 -because I went home early. I mean, what the fuck? -(LAUGHING) 478 00:34:30,410 --> 00:34:31,371 What's really going on? 479 00:34:32,395 --> 00:34:35,243 -What? -Nothing. 480 00:34:45,098 --> 00:34:47,786 I like this. Where's this from? 481 00:34:47,818 --> 00:34:49,995 That? 482 00:34:50,027 --> 00:34:53,035 Sweets. You wanna borrow it? (LAUGHS) 483 00:35:01,418 --> 00:35:02,411 (CHUCKLES) 484 00:35:02,442 --> 00:35:03,723 What? 485 00:35:03,754 --> 00:35:06,987 Nothing. I was just imagining if we were going out. 486 00:35:07,850 --> 00:35:10,025 -(LAUGHS) -What? Me and you? 487 00:35:10,058 --> 00:35:11,946 -Mmm-hmm. -You'd be mad at me a lot. 488 00:35:11,978 --> 00:35:14,825 (LAUGHING) Yeah. Definitely. 489 00:35:14,858 --> 00:35:15,819 Mmm-hmm. 490 00:35:22,571 --> 00:35:23,531 (LAUGHS) 491 00:36:00,619 --> 00:36:01,579 (CHUCKLES) 492 00:36:42,122 --> 00:36:43,915 You still mad at me? 493 00:36:43,946 --> 00:36:45,226 -No. -No? 494 00:37:07,882 --> 00:37:11,082 (STAMMERING) Well, we can set up a... 495 00:37:11,114 --> 00:37:13,131 A... Sorry. 496 00:37:13,162 --> 00:37:15,499 We can do a bank transfer from a... 497 00:37:15,530 --> 00:37:17,739 All I need is just some of your details, um, from... 498 00:37:17,771 --> 00:37:18,955 Do you have a checkbook? 499 00:37:20,842 --> 00:37:23,625 You don't. It's in your... In your husband's name, is it? 500 00:37:28,554 --> 00:37:30,251 Is your husband in at the moment? Is he... 501 00:37:30,282 --> 00:37:32,106 STEVEN: I love your work. 502 00:37:32,138 --> 00:37:35,211 STEVEN: I'm sorry. No thank you, thank you. 503 00:37:35,242 --> 00:37:37,002 Okay. 504 00:37:37,034 --> 00:37:39,051 Yep, no problem. We'll try you again later on in the week. 505 00:37:39,082 --> 00:37:41,610 Okay, take care, bye-bye. 506 00:37:41,642 --> 00:37:44,971 Man, it's not... It's not for me to probe into what's going on with you, 507 00:37:45,002 --> 00:37:49,163 but obviously it is affecting what you're doing. 508 00:37:49,194 --> 00:37:52,521 Your sales aren't up to scratch and it does seem 509 00:37:52,554 --> 00:37:55,498 like you've been struggling recently. 510 00:37:55,530 --> 00:37:58,922 -And I need to know whether you think... -What? 511 00:37:58,954 --> 00:38:00,649 I need to know whether you think you can get a hold of that, 512 00:38:00,682 --> 00:38:03,211 really, and kind of... And pull it back, because... 513 00:38:03,242 --> 00:38:05,579 Yeah, I'm fine. 514 00:38:05,610 --> 00:38:07,434 I don't really understand what the problem is? 515 00:38:07,466 --> 00:38:09,579 I've got to... I mean I've got to say as your manager, Ed, 516 00:38:09,610 --> 00:38:11,562 that you do sound negative to me. 517 00:38:11,594 --> 00:38:13,578 I mean, listening in on those calls, 518 00:38:13,610 --> 00:38:16,395 you sound downbeat. You only have to... 519 00:38:16,426 --> 00:38:19,882 Listen around you to other colleagues and they're... 520 00:38:21,098 --> 00:38:22,794 What? Having a great time? 521 00:38:22,826 --> 00:38:24,010 It's not about having a great time. 522 00:38:24,042 --> 00:38:28,138 It's just about bringing a level of professionalism to it. 523 00:38:28,170 --> 00:38:29,322 Okay, I'll be super happy. 524 00:38:29,354 --> 00:38:31,338 I'll come in and I'll sing to the people, I'll be like, 525 00:38:31,370 --> 00:38:33,578 "Good afternoon, Mrs. Pyke, I'm having a wonderful day!" 526 00:38:33,610 --> 00:38:35,147 -No, no, no. -Well, what do you want me to say, Jamie? 527 00:38:35,178 --> 00:38:37,482 (STAMMERING) I don't mind people having off days. 528 00:38:37,514 --> 00:38:39,435 People have off days, that's fine. 529 00:38:39,466 --> 00:38:42,442 But when it's continuous and it's affecting performance 530 00:38:42,474 --> 00:38:45,930 in the way that it is with you, then it does become an issue. 531 00:38:45,962 --> 00:38:47,595 And if it persists... 532 00:38:48,298 --> 00:38:50,187 Obviously we would have to think about... 533 00:38:52,202 --> 00:38:54,826 About terminating your employment, because... 534 00:38:54,858 --> 00:38:58,635 Because we're here representing Women's Health Plan, 535 00:38:58,666 --> 00:39:01,034 that's not the representation that they want. 536 00:39:02,602 --> 00:39:03,883 We work with people, we need... 537 00:39:03,914 --> 00:39:08,235 We need people that can, are capable of coming in and being positive 538 00:39:08,266 --> 00:39:10,219 and being professional on the phone. 539 00:39:13,674 --> 00:39:16,554 STEVEN: They come in standard size, which I've been told is a medium. 540 00:39:16,586 --> 00:39:18,122 Okay. 541 00:39:18,154 --> 00:39:20,490 STEVEN: And they come in a pack of two. 542 00:39:20,522 --> 00:39:22,250 I'm just gonna go to the toilet. 543 00:39:22,282 --> 00:39:26,058 JAMIE: That's fine. Yeah, no, take a few minutes and, uh... 544 00:39:26,634 --> 00:39:28,299 And then crack on. 545 00:39:35,690 --> 00:39:37,065 STEVEN: The other one is a mystery gift. 546 00:39:38,282 --> 00:39:41,483 Well, the mystery gift is... It is genuinely a mystery. 547 00:39:41,514 --> 00:39:43,786 Even I don't know what the mystery gift is. 548 00:39:45,610 --> 00:39:51,402 My understanding is that it would be another gift of equivalent value, 549 00:39:51,434 --> 00:39:53,867 which would be, obviously, in the £10 mark. 550 00:40:05,770 --> 00:40:07,530 See you later, Steve. 551 00:40:13,834 --> 00:40:15,658 JAMIE: You needn't come back, Ed. 552 00:40:15,690 --> 00:40:17,611 -Steve will pick up your things. -Brilliant. 553 00:40:22,730 --> 00:40:26,282 COMPERE: Drank all the wine, lovely party, I loved shagging the vicar. 554 00:40:26,314 --> 00:40:30,795 But it's been fun. I think it's time to go, isn't it? 555 00:40:30,826 --> 00:40:34,282 Yeah. Thanks. I'm going to get drunk. 556 00:40:34,314 --> 00:40:35,499 (CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING) 557 00:40:53,994 --> 00:40:55,627 (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) 558 00:41:27,978 --> 00:41:29,579 (BOTH CHUCKLING) 559 00:41:32,425 --> 00:41:34,059 "I just came to say sorry." 560 00:41:35,658 --> 00:41:36,970 Did you bring anything? 561 00:41:38,026 --> 00:41:39,883 No, you're not that sorry, are you? 562 00:41:41,929 --> 00:41:44,522 Why did you leave? What, were you upset? Did I do something? 563 00:41:44,553 --> 00:41:46,506 Were you jealous? Like... 564 00:41:46,538 --> 00:41:48,107 -Yeah I was a bit jealous. -Of what? 565 00:41:48,138 --> 00:41:49,738 Of everyone leaving me on my own. 566 00:41:49,770 --> 00:41:52,009 -I know it's immature, I know it is. -You're such a fucking idiot. 567 00:41:52,042 --> 00:41:53,322 (MOCKING) "I got left on my own, I... 568 00:41:53,354 --> 00:41:55,146 "You went to the front of the stage, Nathan, 569 00:41:55,178 --> 00:41:58,635 "with these people, you left me with these people. You're all right." 570 00:41:59,946 --> 00:42:01,386 Left alone? Like, I don't understand. 571 00:42:01,418 --> 00:42:05,002 I didn't know anyone there, you knew three people, I didn't know anyone. 572 00:42:05,034 --> 00:42:08,490 Yeah, look, I'm not... I'm saying that you're right. 573 00:42:08,522 --> 00:42:10,730 I just was upset. I don't know why. 574 00:42:10,762 --> 00:42:13,483 -Just reason, just upset and so you just left me. -I'd had a lot to drink. Yeah. 575 00:42:15,529 --> 00:42:17,514 You're really indulgent, you're really, like, self-obsessed 576 00:42:17,545 --> 00:42:20,521 and you haven't really thought about anybody else. 577 00:42:20,554 --> 00:42:22,890 "I don't want to stand at the back of the club 578 00:42:22,922 --> 00:42:26,122 "so I'm gonna get annoyed with you because you left me, 579 00:42:26,154 --> 00:42:28,746 "not because you want to have fun at the front 580 00:42:28,778 --> 00:42:32,490 "or because you want to make the best of this, but I'm upset. 581 00:42:32,522 --> 00:42:35,337 "This is about me. Ed." 582 00:42:35,370 --> 00:42:37,674 -It's shit. Oh, fucking hell! -You're right, you're right. 583 00:42:37,705 --> 00:42:39,306 -Well, you are, you're right. -I'm gonna like... 584 00:42:39,338 --> 00:42:40,651 Well, what do you want me to say, Nathan? 585 00:42:40,682 --> 00:42:42,027 That's exactly right. 586 00:42:42,058 --> 00:42:44,970 Well then, like, I don't know, I don't know what I want you to say. 587 00:42:45,002 --> 00:42:47,818 I feel so ashamed that I'm jealous. 588 00:42:47,850 --> 00:42:49,611 I feel so ashamed of it. 589 00:42:54,698 --> 00:42:57,449 I feel so ashamed that I left you in the thing with my friends 590 00:42:57,482 --> 00:43:01,610 and I had to go and behave like a two-year-old round the corner. 591 00:43:23,754 --> 00:43:24,715 (SHUDDERING) 592 00:44:29,065 --> 00:44:31,530 -Oh! -You didn't have to come with me. 593 00:44:31,562 --> 00:44:34,634 You can stay if you want, like I just wanted to go. 594 00:44:34,666 --> 00:44:37,514 ED: Selfish. ♪ I'm so selfish ♪ 595 00:44:37,546 --> 00:44:38,506 (GRUNTS PLAYFULLY) 596 00:44:40,010 --> 00:44:42,187 -Sorry, did I hurt you? -Yeah, a bit like. 597 00:44:44,233 --> 00:44:45,897 ED: Sorry, sorry. 598 00:44:47,113 --> 00:44:49,642 -Sorry. -That's better. 599 00:44:49,674 --> 00:44:50,858 ELISA: Oh, now look. Two minutes. 600 00:44:51,594 --> 00:44:53,770 ED: Dos minutos. 601 00:44:56,650 --> 00:44:58,186 ELISA: Three minutes. 602 00:45:05,386 --> 00:45:07,945 I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable, I'm just asking. 603 00:45:07,977 --> 00:45:09,194 GIRL 1: Because, because... 604 00:45:09,226 --> 00:45:10,442 Oh, don't be angry, I'm asking. 605 00:45:10,475 --> 00:45:13,129 -Well, what do you mean, yeah, but look now... -GIRL 2: I know... 606 00:45:14,634 --> 00:45:15,626 NATHAN: I just... 607 00:45:15,658 --> 00:45:18,090 ED: Well, you did, so now you should say sorry. 608 00:45:18,122 --> 00:45:20,394 I am sorry, I don't, I don't want her to feel like... 609 00:45:20,426 --> 00:45:21,866 No, I am. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable... 610 00:45:21,898 --> 00:45:24,554 I'm sorry if I said anything that makes you feel uncomfortable because... 611 00:45:24,586 --> 00:45:26,537 "I feel weird about it." 612 00:45:26,569 --> 00:45:28,170 -ELISA: Ed is my friend. -Why do you feel weird about it? 613 00:45:28,202 --> 00:45:29,577 If there's nothing going on, why would you feel weird? 614 00:45:29,609 --> 00:45:31,050 ED: I don't feel weird about it, you do. 615 00:45:31,082 --> 00:45:33,450 NATHAN: Well, of course I do feel weird about it, like, it is strange... 616 00:45:33,482 --> 00:45:34,442 -It's strange that... -ED: Brilliant. 617 00:45:34,475 --> 00:45:36,042 NATHAN: You have a friend that feels that way. 618 00:45:36,073 --> 00:45:37,738 ED: I know, but I'm really sorry. 619 00:45:37,770 --> 00:45:39,914 GIRL 2: So which one is, uh, 620 00:45:39,946 --> 00:45:42,059 the boyfriend of the lovely lady? 621 00:45:43,434 --> 00:45:45,514 Uh, no, she's my flatmate. 622 00:45:45,546 --> 00:45:47,115 Are you two together? 623 00:45:48,201 --> 00:45:49,483 (NATHAN GROANS) 624 00:45:50,313 --> 00:45:51,433 GIRL 2: Was that a yes? 625 00:45:52,618 --> 00:45:54,474 Um, yeah we are. 626 00:45:55,306 --> 00:45:56,330 (GIRL 2 CHUCKLES) 627 00:46:01,066 --> 00:46:05,962 GIRL 3: Was it since when you were born or something, or was it like just decided? 628 00:46:05,993 --> 00:46:09,610 GIRL 1: You can't be born gay. That's bullshit. GIRL 2: Yeah see, it... 629 00:46:09,642 --> 00:46:11,274 No one was born gay. 630 00:46:12,490 --> 00:46:14,986 God didn't make you gay. 631 00:46:15,018 --> 00:46:17,002 GIRL 3: It's just like, you can just decide, innit? 632 00:46:17,034 --> 00:46:20,299 Just like, "Oh, actually, I've tried a bit of that." 633 00:46:21,834 --> 00:46:25,098 (CHUCKLING ) Just dabble in the pool. 634 00:46:25,737 --> 00:46:26,730 (BLOWS RASPBERRY) 635 00:46:26,761 --> 00:46:29,098 (GIRLS LAUGHING) 636 00:46:29,129 --> 00:46:31,050 -GIRL 2: Does it feel good, guys? -That's a no. 637 00:46:31,082 --> 00:46:33,514 ELISA: Why are you asking, honestly? 638 00:46:33,546 --> 00:46:36,138 -What's... -Elisa. Does it matter? 639 00:46:36,170 --> 00:46:38,473 -GIRL 1: We're just curious. -Yeah. 640 00:46:38,506 --> 00:46:41,161 Even black people fucking turning gay now. 641 00:46:41,193 --> 00:46:43,338 -It's not good. -What's not good? 642 00:46:43,369 --> 00:46:44,810 GIRL 1: Which one of you gives and which one takes? 643 00:46:44,841 --> 00:46:45,930 GIRL 2: It's a bit of a disgrace. 644 00:46:45,961 --> 00:46:47,850 (GROANS) Why do you have to be so personal, Martha? 645 00:46:47,881 --> 00:46:51,242 -GIRL 2: Like, black people aren't gay. -I am gay. 646 00:46:51,274 --> 00:46:54,474 -GIRL 1: One of them will take and one of them will give. -I am gay. 647 00:46:54,506 --> 00:46:56,842 -GIRL 2: He's the bitch. -What the fuck, I'm not... 648 00:46:56,873 --> 00:46:58,890 GIRL 1: And the pretty boy is the taker, I reckon. 649 00:46:58,922 --> 00:47:01,321 -Shut the fuck up. -Oh... 650 00:47:01,353 --> 00:47:04,553 -GIRL 2: Are you African or Jamaican? -Why does it matter? 651 00:47:04,585 --> 00:47:08,202 Just wondering, which beatings you would've had more? 652 00:47:08,233 --> 00:47:10,954 -Shut up. -(GIRLS LAUGHING) 653 00:47:10,986 --> 00:47:12,969 -Was it the stick or belt? -Why? What are you? What are you? 654 00:47:13,002 --> 00:47:15,498 I'm Jamaican. 655 00:47:15,530 --> 00:47:17,641 And I know you would have got beaten with a belt 656 00:47:17,673 --> 00:47:19,754 if you ever said anything about being gay. 657 00:47:21,354 --> 00:47:24,330 Where did you read anal sex is the way forward? 658 00:47:24,361 --> 00:47:27,978 -Shut up. Shut up. -Where did you read that makes fucking babies? 659 00:47:28,010 --> 00:47:32,010 It doesn't. It makes fucking AIDS, yeah, it makes fucking AIDS. 660 00:47:32,041 --> 00:47:33,322 NATHAN: Shut up. 661 00:47:33,353 --> 00:47:35,306 There's people in fucking Africa dying because... 662 00:47:35,338 --> 00:47:37,290 NATHAN: What do you know about Africa? 663 00:47:37,322 --> 00:47:39,113 -People in fucking Africa... -What do you know about Africa? 664 00:47:39,145 --> 00:47:41,834 I know enough, okay. I know enough. 665 00:47:41,866 --> 00:47:43,881 -I know enough. -NATHAN: Have you ever been? 666 00:47:43,913 --> 00:47:46,538 -I don't need to go. -Have you ever been? Have you ever been to Jamaica? 667 00:47:46,570 --> 00:47:47,722 Yes, I have fucking been to Jamaica. 668 00:47:47,753 --> 00:47:49,386 -When? -I go all the fucking time. 669 00:47:49,417 --> 00:47:53,034 Fuck off. You're a child with tired cusses, so move on. 670 00:47:53,065 --> 00:47:55,530 -Jog on. -It's all right. 671 00:47:55,562 --> 00:47:57,770 -I know I'm hitting the spots right now. -You're not hitting any. 672 00:47:57,801 --> 00:47:59,017 Not as good as your boyfriend is. 673 00:47:59,050 --> 00:48:00,202 You both look like children to me. 674 00:48:00,233 --> 00:48:02,250 -Of course they are. -No, you are, too. 675 00:48:02,282 --> 00:48:04,010 Why don't you make it about sex? 676 00:48:04,042 --> 00:48:05,386 Why don't you just leave it alone? 677 00:48:05,418 --> 00:48:06,667 You've got nothing to prove. 678 00:48:06,698 --> 00:48:09,321 -Because she's like, here. -GIRL 1: Listen to your boyfriend. 679 00:48:09,354 --> 00:48:11,882 GIRL 2: Do you get used to it after a while? Is it like virginity? 680 00:48:11,913 --> 00:48:13,225 Oh, come on... Shut up. 681 00:48:13,258 --> 00:48:15,338 ELISA: Ever been fucked up the ass? You don't what it feels like? 682 00:48:15,370 --> 00:48:16,522 GIRL 2: No, I don't, my ass is not... 683 00:48:16,554 --> 00:48:18,377 ELISA: Well you should try it 'cause it feels pretty good. 684 00:48:18,409 --> 00:48:20,041 GIRL 2: No, I don't... NATHAN: It feels great. 685 00:48:20,073 --> 00:48:23,017 ELISA: You're way too young to have had anal sex, bitch. 686 00:48:23,050 --> 00:48:25,546 GIRL 2: Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay! 687 00:48:25,578 --> 00:48:26,986 -Miss Whore over there, yeah. -What? 688 00:48:27,017 --> 00:48:29,129 ELISA: Can you fucking sit down? Just sit down. 689 00:48:29,162 --> 00:48:30,857 -Why are you fucking... -Don't point at her. 690 00:48:30,889 --> 00:48:32,425 Take your hand out of my face. 691 00:48:32,457 --> 00:48:34,570 GIRL 1: Pretty girl should turn around, actually. Why is she getting involved? 692 00:48:36,138 --> 00:48:38,346 -NATHAN: Dickhead with a fake tan. -Oh, dickhead, who? What? 693 00:48:38,377 --> 00:48:39,978 GIRL 1: Dickhead? Sorry? 694 00:48:40,010 --> 00:48:41,994 Are you talking to your little boyfriend over there? 695 00:48:42,025 --> 00:48:43,466 -NATHAN: Don't fucking touch me. -Hey! 696 00:48:43,498 --> 00:48:46,058 -What? What? -Don't you fucking touch me. 697 00:48:46,090 --> 00:48:47,850 (ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY) 698 00:48:51,850 --> 00:48:53,770 GIRL 2: What? I don't fucking care, bruv! 699 00:48:54,441 --> 00:48:55,721 Oh! 700 00:48:55,753 --> 00:48:57,322 (ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY) 701 00:48:59,530 --> 00:49:00,650 GIRL 2: Do you wanna die tonight? 702 00:49:00,682 --> 00:49:01,578 NATHAN: Do it fucking now, then. 703 00:49:01,610 --> 00:49:03,658 GIRL 2: I'll making fucking calls, innit. 704 00:49:03,689 --> 00:49:05,898 I don't like getting my hands dirty, unlike you. 705 00:49:05,930 --> 00:49:07,018 NATHAN: What the fuck is wrong with you? 706 00:49:07,050 --> 00:49:09,738 Fucking putting your hands in places they shouldn't be, 707 00:49:09,770 --> 00:49:11,370 dirty fucking gay bastard. 708 00:49:13,289 --> 00:49:15,017 NATHAN: Ed, can we go back to mine, please? 709 00:49:16,521 --> 00:49:18,922 Yeah, but... 710 00:49:18,953 --> 00:49:21,545 Then just come back with me, I don't see what the issue is. 711 00:49:21,577 --> 00:49:22,826 (VOICE BREAKING) I don't understand why it's so easy 712 00:49:22,858 --> 00:49:24,169 for you to say that. I don't... 713 00:49:24,201 --> 00:49:25,738 Because there's no issue. 714 00:49:25,769 --> 00:49:27,081 Why is it so simple for you? 715 00:49:27,114 --> 00:49:29,161 We were getting on fine, I don't really understand what's changed. 716 00:49:29,193 --> 00:49:30,442 Why suddenly tonight on the bus 717 00:49:30,473 --> 00:49:33,194 it's suddenly become a huge issue that we're really close friends? 718 00:49:33,226 --> 00:49:35,050 It's because she loves you. 719 00:49:35,081 --> 00:49:36,938 She loves you so therefore it's a bit different. 720 00:49:36,970 --> 00:49:38,826 It's like slightly different than you've just been friends. 721 00:49:38,857 --> 00:49:41,674 The only difference is that you know, that you've heard about it. 722 00:49:41,706 --> 00:49:42,666 It doesn't make any difference. 723 00:49:42,697 --> 00:49:43,721 Oh, so if it's a secret, it's fine. 724 00:49:43,753 --> 00:49:45,610 No... Well, yeah, obviously, it should have been... 725 00:49:45,641 --> 00:49:47,562 It would have been better... I wish it still was. 726 00:49:51,306 --> 00:49:52,426 Has anything happened? 727 00:49:54,505 --> 00:49:56,808 -No, not really. I mean, we just... -"Not really"? 728 00:49:56,841 --> 00:49:57,802 (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) 729 00:50:00,041 --> 00:50:02,250 Well, yeah, nothing's happened. I... We just... 730 00:50:06,025 --> 00:50:08,298 Nothing's happened. Nothing has happened. 731 00:50:08,329 --> 00:50:09,514 No, because it will just make things worse. 732 00:50:09,546 --> 00:50:11,594 -You're lying. -No. Nothing has happened. 733 00:50:13,609 --> 00:50:15,017 I don't believe you. 734 00:50:15,049 --> 00:50:19,114 Okay, fine, I'll come back to yours tonight, but I need to know when... 735 00:50:19,145 --> 00:50:21,417 What happens after that? 736 00:50:21,449 --> 00:50:23,242 Do I then have to not see Elisa ever again? 737 00:50:23,273 --> 00:50:26,025 No, I'm not saying that. I just want you... I'm not saying that. 738 00:50:26,057 --> 00:50:27,881 What are you saying then? 739 00:50:27,913 --> 00:50:30,474 I don't know, I just need you tonight. 740 00:50:48,169 --> 00:50:49,865 Just come back with me now 741 00:50:49,897 --> 00:50:53,162 and we can just go home and it will be fine, Nathan. 742 00:50:53,193 --> 00:50:55,754 Just come back, it's two minutes down the bloody road. 743 00:50:55,786 --> 00:50:58,249 -No. No! -Please, please, please, please. 744 00:50:58,281 --> 00:50:59,690 -No. -Please, just come back, please just come back. 745 00:50:59,722 --> 00:51:01,066 Why? Why do you need this? 746 00:51:01,098 --> 00:51:03,113 Because it's so easy, I don't want to go on the bus for 28 minutes 747 00:51:03,145 --> 00:51:06,090 bloody hours whatever it is, I just wanna go home, 748 00:51:06,121 --> 00:51:08,394 I'm really freakin' tired. 749 00:51:10,186 --> 00:51:12,202 Let's go home. 750 00:51:12,233 --> 00:51:14,858 It's not my home. It's not my home. 751 00:51:14,890 --> 00:51:17,418 Oh, for fuck's sake. 752 00:51:17,449 --> 00:51:19,850 I know it's not your home, but I just need, uh... 753 00:51:19,882 --> 00:51:22,634 NATHAN: I can't get you, It's like you're empty and you're not 754 00:51:22,666 --> 00:51:26,954 so I'm like who gets it? Who gets this? Who gets it? Fight! Fight! 755 00:51:27,753 --> 00:51:29,225 Argh! Fucking hell, man. 756 00:51:29,257 --> 00:51:31,337 Do something, do something, 757 00:51:31,369 --> 00:51:35,114 be someone. Look, you can't even fight back. 758 00:51:35,146 --> 00:51:36,297 -(CHUCKLING) -You gonna hit me? 759 00:51:36,329 --> 00:51:38,506 No, I'm not going to hit you, Nathan. 760 00:51:38,538 --> 00:51:39,626 -Why not? -'Cause I don't want to. 761 00:51:39,658 --> 00:51:41,705 -Why? 'Cause it scares you? -No, it doesn't scare me. 762 00:51:41,737 --> 00:51:44,041 I just have no physical anger towards you... 763 00:51:44,073 --> 00:51:46,441 Desires of anything? Of any kind? 764 00:51:46,473 --> 00:51:49,418 Not at the moment, no, I just want to go home. 765 00:51:50,410 --> 00:51:53,866 Go to bed. I want to turn the light out. 766 00:52:01,066 --> 00:52:04,714 Then go home. Go home. 767 00:52:04,745 --> 00:52:06,730 -Why don't you go home? -No, you can go home. 768 00:52:06,761 --> 00:52:08,906 I'm not going home, I'm not gonna go home till you go home. 769 00:52:08,937 --> 00:52:12,169 -Go home. -(CLEARS THROAT) No. 770 00:52:12,201 --> 00:52:15,114 I'll wait here till you've gone home. 771 00:52:15,145 --> 00:52:17,610 It's like you can't make a decision. 772 00:52:17,642 --> 00:52:20,138 You can't do anything on your own for yourself. 773 00:52:20,170 --> 00:52:22,921 You wanna go home then go home, go. Go, go, go, go... 774 00:52:22,953 --> 00:52:26,121 Go. Go home. Go home. Go home if you're... 775 00:52:26,153 --> 00:52:27,625 If you're so tired, if you're so fed up. 776 00:52:27,657 --> 00:52:29,609 -Go home. Go! -No... 777 00:52:50,185 --> 00:52:52,488 Ed, fuck off if you're gonna fuck off. 778 00:52:52,521 --> 00:52:55,402 Go, if you're gonna go, go. 779 00:53:00,169 --> 00:53:01,450 (SNIFFLING) 780 00:53:43,785 --> 00:53:46,442 ED: Elisa. What are you doin'? 781 00:53:50,793 --> 00:53:53,002 I'm playing with a ladybird. 782 00:54:02,601 --> 00:54:04,106 (ED CLEARS THROAT) 783 00:54:08,298 --> 00:54:12,329 What did, did Nathan upset you when he said... 784 00:54:12,361 --> 00:54:15,561 It didn't upset me, I was just, like... 785 00:54:15,593 --> 00:54:16,938 (CHUCKLING) 786 00:54:16,969 --> 00:54:17,930 (SNIFFLING) 787 00:54:19,305 --> 00:54:22,281 I was just a bit embarrassed, I mean, I don't... 788 00:54:22,313 --> 00:54:23,818 (SNIFFLING) 789 00:54:24,233 --> 00:54:28,841 I don't even know how 790 00:54:28,873 --> 00:54:33,833 we started to talk about that. I don't know, I don't even know. 791 00:54:33,865 --> 00:54:36,681 It's okay though 'cause I'm, you know, I'm not gonna see him... 792 00:54:36,713 --> 00:54:40,168 (CLEARS THROAT) Anymore so it's okay. 793 00:54:44,233 --> 00:54:45,832 It's done. 794 00:54:54,505 --> 00:54:56,938 But I'm sorry about that, I mean it's, that's... 795 00:54:59,465 --> 00:55:03,497 That's besides my point, anyway. 796 00:55:03,529 --> 00:55:06,986 I don't know, Ed, I have no idea, to be honest. 797 00:55:08,169 --> 00:55:09,737 About what? 798 00:55:13,961 --> 00:55:15,466 (ELISA SIGHING) 799 00:55:21,961 --> 00:55:23,625 Basically... 800 00:55:32,553 --> 00:55:34,122 I think... 801 00:55:37,289 --> 00:55:38,729 I need... 802 00:55:41,865 --> 00:55:45,321 To be alone a bit and... 803 00:55:49,513 --> 00:55:51,465 That means... 804 00:55:58,697 --> 00:56:00,745 That maybe... 805 00:56:05,641 --> 00:56:09,322 It just, maybe it would be better if you go, I don't know. 806 00:56:19,497 --> 00:56:21,321 I think... 807 00:56:21,353 --> 00:56:22,986 (SNIFFLING) 808 00:56:26,537 --> 00:56:28,617 You should go soon. 809 00:56:39,753 --> 00:56:41,354 (SNIFFLING) 810 00:56:42,345 --> 00:56:44,073 I just want... 811 00:56:55,721 --> 00:56:57,930 (ELISA SNIFFLING) 812 00:57:00,392 --> 00:57:03,658 I just wanna have something real, Ed, I really do. 813 00:57:10,153 --> 00:57:12,009 (SNIFFLING) 814 00:57:12,041 --> 00:57:13,514 (SIGHING) 815 00:57:21,961 --> 00:57:23,594 (ED CLEARS THROAT) 816 00:57:25,097 --> 00:57:26,249 Elisa... 817 00:57:35,849 --> 00:57:37,161 Come here. 818 00:57:37,193 --> 00:57:38,602 Come here. 819 00:57:40,201 --> 00:57:44,234 Elisa, come here. 820 00:57:48,841 --> 00:57:52,298 That's exactly what I shouldn't do, you see. 821 00:58:09,289 --> 00:58:10,377 (SNIFFLING) 822 00:58:10,409 --> 00:58:14,665 I'm gonna go. (CLEARS THROAT) Okay? 823 00:58:24,073 --> 00:58:25,642 (SNIFFLING) 824 00:58:43,049 --> 00:58:44,329 (SOBBING) 825 00:58:55,785 --> 00:58:57,578 (CONTINUES SOBBING) 826 00:59:06,473 --> 00:59:09,193 (WHIMPERING) 827 00:59:29,448 --> 00:59:31,977 -Big news. -Go on, what is it? 828 00:59:32,009 --> 00:59:34,921 -What, your star sign? -No. No. 829 00:59:34,952 --> 00:59:37,737 This is the, your, your Independent, no less. 830 00:59:37,769 --> 00:59:42,537 "I have lived in Sheffield for just over 22 years. In this time..." 831 00:59:42,569 --> 00:59:45,449 This is in a national paper. 832 00:59:45,481 --> 00:59:48,425 "I have seen the number of sparrows first decline in the 1990s, 833 00:59:48,457 --> 00:59:51,273 "then steadily increase to their current high." 834 00:59:51,305 --> 00:59:54,218 CAOLAN: Just pause, let him, let him settle that information. Just you know... 835 00:59:54,249 --> 00:59:56,200 "This winter we have even seen... 836 00:59:56,232 --> 00:59:58,121 "Even have what seems to be a small 837 00:59:58,152 --> 01:00:03,177 "breakaway flock of four visiting our very wildlife-friendly garden. 838 01:00:03,209 --> 01:00:09,865 "Incidentally, local ecology researchers refer to Sheffield as a mosaic wetland." 839 01:00:11,305 --> 01:00:13,385 -MOTHER: Because it rains all the time. -"We have more trees 840 01:00:13,417 --> 01:00:15,529 "than all the London parks put together." I bet you didn't know that. 841 01:00:15,561 --> 01:00:18,057 We have more trees than all the London parks put together. There you go. 842 01:00:18,089 --> 01:00:20,138 CAOLAN: They should have that on the motorway shouldn't they? 843 01:00:20,169 --> 01:00:21,897 -"Welcome to Sheffield, a mosaic wetland." -That's the news. 844 01:00:21,929 --> 01:00:24,681 -(ED LAUGHING) -A mosaic wetland. That's it. 845 01:00:24,713 --> 01:00:26,185 -That's part of the mosaic... -So that's the big news. 846 01:00:26,217 --> 01:00:30,793 That's the big news. Part of the mosaic wetland, right out that very back. 847 01:00:35,240 --> 01:00:37,769 So, are you still at the call center? 848 01:00:37,801 --> 01:00:40,009 No. 849 01:00:40,040 --> 01:00:42,185 MOTHER: Did you sort out your benefits since I saw you? 850 01:00:42,217 --> 01:00:44,520 CAOLAN: Five weeks and all that... 851 01:00:44,553 --> 01:00:47,689 The problem is I'm changing me address as well so housing benefit will have to... 852 01:00:47,720 --> 01:00:49,577 MOTHER: Ah, yeah, that's going to be awkward, isn't it? 853 01:00:49,609 --> 01:00:51,209 -Go through it again. -CAOLAN: You'll be off for a few weeks. 854 01:00:51,241 --> 01:00:54,921 It'll be a right pain in me bloody bum. 855 01:00:54,953 --> 01:00:57,801 MOTHER: Does anyone want any more bread or anything? 856 01:00:59,497 --> 01:01:02,121 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION ON TV) 857 01:01:02,153 --> 01:01:04,169 FATHER: Turn it up a wee bit, Caolan. 858 01:01:08,777 --> 01:01:10,409 Now, he's justifying himself now. 859 01:01:10,441 --> 01:01:13,257 He's justifying himself. Not a risk taker. 860 01:01:14,600 --> 01:01:16,586 (CHEERING ON TV) 861 01:01:27,561 --> 01:01:30,313 (MOTHER AND FATHER CONVERSING INDISTINCTLY) 862 01:01:55,145 --> 01:01:56,841 (TUB DRAINING) 863 01:02:00,168 --> 01:02:02,536 (BREATHING DEEPLY) 864 01:02:03,497 --> 01:02:05,098 ALL: Cheers. 865 01:02:07,785 --> 01:02:09,449 (LAUGHING) 866 01:02:09,481 --> 01:02:10,825 MOTHER: Go on then, tell us a joke. 867 01:02:10,857 --> 01:02:12,552 FATHER: Tell us a joke from your act, go on, go, on. Go on. Go on. 868 01:02:12,585 --> 01:02:14,538 Go on, go on. 869 01:02:15,688 --> 01:02:19,144 Um... My best friend told me that he sees dead people. 870 01:02:19,176 --> 01:02:21,769 It's not that weird, though, he's a mortician. 871 01:02:21,800 --> 01:02:23,913 (ALL LAUGHING) 872 01:02:24,905 --> 01:02:26,666 FATHER: That's good. 873 01:02:34,505 --> 01:02:35,657 MOTHER: Like it? 874 01:02:35,688 --> 01:02:40,137 -Yeah, it's very nice, yeah. -Good. 875 01:02:40,169 --> 01:02:44,714 FATHER: It's great. Smoked salmon, I haven't had smoked salmon for ages. 876 01:02:49,961 --> 01:02:52,169 -Ah, yeah... -Stop it. 877 01:02:53,609 --> 01:02:54,858 Can I take your bowl? 878 01:02:54,889 --> 01:02:58,633 FATHER: He's making rules... ED: (LAUGHING) I'm not! Shut up. 879 01:02:58,665 --> 01:03:01,161 (ALL TALKING AT ONCE) 880 01:03:01,193 --> 01:03:03,209 MOTHER: Well, I don't want a plastic carton on the table. 881 01:03:03,240 --> 01:03:04,201 FATHER: Go on. 882 01:03:06,601 --> 01:03:09,065 CAOLAN: I might just cook my steak for a bit longer. 883 01:03:09,096 --> 01:03:10,441 -It's too rare for me. -MOTHER: This is, this is well... 884 01:03:10,473 --> 01:03:11,497 It's well done. It's well done. 885 01:03:11,529 --> 01:03:15,017 CAOLAN: It's not, look! Look at that. What's that? 886 01:03:15,048 --> 01:03:16,712 FATHER: It's lovely. 887 01:03:41,128 --> 01:03:42,824 CABBIE: Are you all right, man? 888 01:03:43,848 --> 01:03:45,417 Yeah. 889 01:03:59,433 --> 01:04:02,121 CABBIE: Heavy night? 890 01:04:03,816 --> 01:04:05,354 Hmm... 891 01:04:07,400 --> 01:04:11,337 Yeah, it was just a funny one. 892 01:04:12,456 --> 01:04:13,641 CABBIE: "Funny"? 893 01:04:13,672 --> 01:04:15,081 ED: Yeah. 894 01:04:21,000 --> 01:04:23,017 CABBIE: So where are you coming from? 895 01:04:23,049 --> 01:04:25,289 Uh, I've just come home from... I was in, I was... 896 01:04:25,321 --> 01:04:27,209 I've been in Sheffield this morning so... 897 01:04:27,241 --> 01:04:31,497 -Sheffield? -Yeah, just come back on the train. 898 01:04:31,529 --> 01:04:33,929 CABBIE: Is that where your family is? Is that where you come from? 899 01:04:33,961 --> 01:04:35,817 ED: Yeah, I've just been back to my mom and dad's house. 900 01:04:35,848 --> 01:04:37,386 CABBIE: Ah, okay. 901 01:04:51,112 --> 01:04:52,841 Are your parents here? 902 01:04:52,872 --> 01:04:54,088 -CABBIE: My parents? -Yeah. 903 01:04:54,121 --> 01:04:58,857 CABBIE: No, my parents live in, uh... They live in Zimbabwe. 904 01:04:58,888 --> 01:05:00,681 ED: Is that where you were born? 905 01:05:00,712 --> 01:05:04,009 CABBIE: No, I was born in America. Born in America and... 906 01:05:04,040 --> 01:05:05,289 ED: Oh. 907 01:05:11,849 --> 01:05:13,577 I'd like to go to New York. 908 01:05:13,609 --> 01:05:16,041 CABBIE: New York? ED: Yeah, man. 909 01:05:16,072 --> 01:05:19,881 Yeah, New York's a nice place. Nice city. 910 01:05:19,912 --> 01:05:21,545 Is that where you lived? 911 01:05:21,576 --> 01:05:23,465 Yeah, I used to live in, uh, Brooklyn. 912 01:05:23,496 --> 01:05:29,641 -Really? -Yeah. Bed Stuy, have you heard of it? 913 01:05:29,672 --> 01:05:31,849 -No, what's it called? -Bed Stuy. 914 01:05:31,880 --> 01:05:32,904 -Bed Stuy? -Yeah. 915 01:05:34,185 --> 01:05:36,840 CABBIE: Some people get a bit crazy there. ED: Hmm. 916 01:05:36,872 --> 01:05:39,529 CABBIE: You know, people go crazy and they... 917 01:05:39,560 --> 01:05:41,705 It's not like here, you know, where people, 918 01:05:41,736 --> 01:05:44,520 they're controlling, you know, they don't, they don't... 919 01:05:44,552 --> 01:05:47,624 They might be going a little bit mad or whatever but they don't say anything 920 01:05:47,656 --> 01:05:53,257 you know, they just sit quiet, stare straight ahead, read the paper. 921 01:05:54,888 --> 01:05:59,176 Whereas in New York sometimes, you know, you'll get people, 922 01:05:59,208 --> 01:06:05,706 that will, uh... They go crazy man. Crazy, crazy. 923 01:06:06,920 --> 01:06:09,000 What, and then they just talk? 924 01:06:09,032 --> 01:06:10,792 No, well, no, they don't just talk. 925 01:06:10,824 --> 01:06:13,257 Well, yeah sometimes they do just talk. 926 01:06:13,289 --> 01:06:16,296 Sometimes you'll get like homeless people that are high or something like that, 927 01:06:16,329 --> 01:06:17,481 they'll st... They won't just talk, 928 01:06:17,512 --> 01:06:21,737 they'll start screaming, shouting, uh... 929 01:06:21,768 --> 01:06:23,945 Maybe they've got something to say, I don't know. 930 01:06:23,976 --> 01:06:28,873 Yeah, sometimes you think that, yeah maybe they have something to say. 931 01:06:28,905 --> 01:06:31,849 I think that... 932 01:06:31,881 --> 01:06:34,505 They're holding on to something that they need to say 933 01:06:34,535 --> 01:06:36,649 and nobody's listening, you know? 934 01:06:36,680 --> 01:06:38,601 Maybe that's what it is. 935 01:06:40,488 --> 01:06:42,408 Yeah. 936 01:06:47,336 --> 01:06:48,745 (ED CLEARS THROAT) 937 01:06:50,663 --> 01:06:52,616 ED: So you will go back eventually? 938 01:06:52,649 --> 01:06:56,009 CABBIE: I don't know, you know. I don't know. 939 01:06:56,041 --> 01:06:59,241 ED: How did you get a visa, then? How did you, like, come to work here and... 940 01:06:59,273 --> 01:07:00,489 CABBIE: Um... 941 01:07:02,568 --> 01:07:03,561 I got married. 942 01:07:03,592 --> 01:07:04,585 Oh, okay. 943 01:07:07,144 --> 01:07:10,857 CABBIE: Married, uh, an old student friend of mine. 944 01:07:10,889 --> 01:07:12,233 ED: A student friend? 945 01:07:12,265 --> 01:07:16,552 CABBIE: Yeah, yeah, well, she wasn't really a friend, she was a... 946 01:07:18,536 --> 01:07:23,337 I have, like, a close group of friends, and I kinda knew her and... 947 01:07:23,369 --> 01:07:24,489 -Okay. -We kind of, 948 01:07:24,520 --> 01:07:27,656 we started seeing each other when I came down to London, 949 01:07:27,688 --> 01:07:30,825 and we just decided... 950 01:07:30,857 --> 01:07:34,153 It was, it was a bit weird 'cause basically I was, you know, I was... 951 01:07:34,185 --> 01:07:39,144 Visa thing, I was like, visa was gonna expire and... 952 01:07:39,176 --> 01:07:43,305 ED: Oh, so it was a... You did as, to get a visa? 953 01:07:43,337 --> 01:07:46,377 -Kind of, yeah. -But you're still together now. 954 01:07:46,409 --> 01:07:50,057 Yeah, yeah, we're still together now, but it's not easy now because, 955 01:07:50,088 --> 01:07:51,177 you know, it's... 956 01:07:55,496 --> 01:07:59,401 'Cause it ain't true, you know? It's not what it should be. 957 01:07:59,432 --> 01:08:02,216 Some of it's kinda false. 958 01:08:02,248 --> 01:08:05,896 I think we were both trying to live a lie, we were kind of trying... 959 01:08:05,928 --> 01:08:08,361 (CABBIE CHUCKLING) 960 01:08:08,393 --> 01:08:11,752 Kind of trying to say, suggest to each other that we are doing it 961 01:08:11,784 --> 01:08:14,953 for the right reasons so that we do end up together and all that, but... 962 01:08:16,552 --> 01:08:18,473 Sounds like my parents. 963 01:08:20,040 --> 01:08:21,225 Are they still together, though? That's... 964 01:08:21,256 --> 01:08:22,793 Yeah, they're still together, yeah. 965 01:08:22,824 --> 01:08:24,905 CABBIE: But you think they a hard time? 966 01:08:25,769 --> 01:08:27,689 I know they did. 967 01:08:28,936 --> 01:08:32,457 And the other thing is, they say that you choose your partners, 968 01:08:32,488 --> 01:08:36,137 sometimes it happens by accident sometimes not, but... 969 01:08:38,057 --> 01:08:41,609 Sometimes it's just right, you know, you won't realize it at the time, you just, 970 01:08:41,641 --> 01:08:46,280 you discover it, it might be difficult at times. But you know... 971 01:08:46,312 --> 01:08:50,120 But you know, that's the thing. I mean, ask your parents. 972 01:08:50,152 --> 01:08:56,424 You know? I'm sure you always think that the choices you make are going to be bad. 973 01:08:56,456 --> 01:08:59,273 Like something will turn out at some point to be a bad choice, 974 01:08:59,304 --> 01:09:01,545 or feel like they might be a bad choice and then... 975 01:09:04,937 --> 01:09:08,329 Other times they feel like the right choice, you can never be certain. 976 01:09:13,065 --> 01:09:17,129 You just have to follow your gut, I think that's the only choice you can make. 977 01:09:18,408 --> 01:09:20,328 To follow your gut or not. 978 01:09:23,464 --> 01:09:26,057 But that sounds like you made a choice and then, 979 01:09:26,088 --> 01:09:28,137 you know, there's other choices then, 980 01:09:28,168 --> 01:09:31,144 you can then chose to not be together. 981 01:09:31,176 --> 01:09:33,289 You can choose, that's another choice. 982 01:09:33,320 --> 01:09:35,977 Why do you have to? You know, once you've made the choice, 983 01:09:36,009 --> 01:09:39,784 you don't then have to just stay on the same... 984 01:09:39,816 --> 01:09:42,441 I think that can lead to... 985 01:09:45,544 --> 01:09:48,201 That just leads to p... You... 986 01:09:51,624 --> 01:09:53,544 To be miserable that way. 987 01:09:58,312 --> 01:10:00,233 Yeah, but... 988 01:10:01,352 --> 01:10:03,881 Believe me, like you know, I've seen that. 989 01:10:04,712 --> 01:10:06,632 I've lived in that. 990 01:10:12,841 --> 01:10:14,953 CABBIE: Hmm. 991 01:10:50,600 --> 01:10:52,169 Are you okay, man? 992 01:10:52,200 --> 01:10:55,465 ED: Yeah, man, I'm just... (SIGHING) 993 01:11:01,160 --> 01:11:03,081 I'm fed up. 994 01:11:07,336 --> 01:11:08,808 CABBIE: Tired? 995 01:11:08,840 --> 01:11:12,104 Yeah, fucking knackered, man, and I'm fed up. 996 01:11:15,272 --> 01:11:16,200 CABBIE: Fed up with what? 997 01:11:16,232 --> 01:11:19,369 ED: Everything, I'm just fed up with everything. 998 01:11:21,544 --> 01:11:23,849 I don't want to be this person anymore. 999 01:11:23,880 --> 01:11:25,769 I'm just fucking fed up with it. 1000 01:11:25,800 --> 01:11:27,913 It's doing my head in. 1001 01:11:30,600 --> 01:11:34,024 Fed up with not knowing what I'm doing half the time, you know? 1002 01:11:34,056 --> 01:11:35,688 CABBIE: Hmm. 1003 01:11:35,720 --> 01:11:39,080 Or all of the time. Most of the time. 1004 01:11:40,584 --> 01:11:42,441 CABBIE: That's all right though, isn't it? 1005 01:11:42,472 --> 01:11:45,256 No it's not all right, no, it's fucking a nightmare. 1006 01:11:48,552 --> 01:11:50,121 CABBIE: How old are you, man? 1007 01:11:50,152 --> 01:11:51,560 ED: Uh... I'm 32. 1008 01:11:51,592 --> 01:11:53,513 CABBIE: Thirty-two? (CHUCKLING) ED: Mmm-hmm. 1009 01:11:54,632 --> 01:11:56,776 CABBIE: You look a lot younger, man. 1010 01:11:56,808 --> 01:12:01,064 (CHUCKLING) I don't feel it. I feel older. 1011 01:12:04,008 --> 01:12:05,416 Like an old person. 1012 01:12:05,448 --> 01:12:08,361 CABBIE: But you know I feel older too. 1013 01:12:08,936 --> 01:12:10,281 I feel... 1014 01:12:15,976 --> 01:12:19,017 You know when you meet people that haven't gone through the same kind of experiences, 1015 01:12:19,048 --> 01:12:24,329 they're not really... Like they haven't really had much, life experience. 1016 01:12:25,736 --> 01:12:27,176 Right. 1017 01:12:27,208 --> 01:12:29,032 CABBIE: Kids, you know. 1018 01:12:29,064 --> 01:12:32,264 -Yeah. -They get older and older these days as well. 1019 01:12:32,296 --> 01:12:35,113 Older and older, younger and younger. 1020 01:12:36,712 --> 01:12:37,768 What the hell does that mean? 1021 01:12:37,800 --> 01:12:40,616 I don't know what it means, actually, but I kind of, 1022 01:12:40,648 --> 01:12:43,433 kind of know what it means, but I couldn't really explain it to you. 1023 01:12:44,936 --> 01:12:45,991 That's Bob Dylan, 1024 01:12:46,024 --> 01:12:48,681 beautiful, but nobody knows what the fuck it means. 1025 01:12:55,816 --> 01:12:57,737 That's poetry, my friend. 1026 01:13:02,120 --> 01:13:04,041 You know you're gonna be all right. 1027 01:13:06,088 --> 01:13:08,008 Yep. 1028 01:13:26,600 --> 01:13:28,424 (SENSUAL BALLAD PLAYING) 77669

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